Carolyn L. Jones, LCSWBehavioral Consultant for Schools and Parents
503-910-8832
Choice Words:Igniting Greatness with the Spoken Word
What ALL kids need…
Warm, inviting atmosphere Belonging Experience success Explicit teaching of behavioral expectations Effective supervision Reinforcement for appropriate behavior 4:1 positive interactions Positive relationship with at least one
significant adult Kathy Helgeson/Southern Oregon ESD
The Nurtured Heart Approach
This is an approach that evolved out of the challenges faced working with families and teachers of intense and difficult children.
Does an approach really make a difference?
The Nurtured Heart Approach
All ages All levels of severity…ADHD, ODD, PTSD, etc. This is all about how to therapeutically create
a profound level of “inner wealth” and to promote transformation, not just improvement.
Beliefs Intensity is a good thing. Medications moderate intensity... The message to the child is: “You can’t
handle your intensity…nor can anyone else.”
Everyone needs to be “seen” and to feel that they have worth.
Behaviors are means of “connection” to others.
Inner Wealth What is Inner Wealth?
Why does a child need it?
How do we help children build their Inner Wealth?
Beliefs Normal parenting and teaching methods
are designed for the average child and often make the situation worse.
The harder normal methods are applied the worse the situation can get despite the best of intentions.
Behaviors that are “rewarded” will be repeated.
Helping Every Child to Flourish And it’s about having powerful ways of
making any moment an opportunity to create success.
It is about helping children develop “inner wealth.”
The Nurtured Heart Approachis about…
Creating a world of first hand experiences: “Here you are being successful…”
Relentlessly reflecting: “This is who you really are… It’s not a question of whether you can or can’t, you are…”
Helping each child build a new “portfolio”—a new way of becoming…
Helping Every Child to Flourish
More than “catching kids being good”...
Cast a bigger net
It’s also about how to add new dimension
to the opportunity. Finding the success in
what IS happening AND in what ISN’T
happening.
The Nurtured Heart Approach The approach has three basic aspects:
1. Super-energizing experiences of success. 2. Refusing to energize or accidentally
reward negativity. 3. Providing a perfect level of limit-setting
and consequences.
Toys R’ Us We are by far our children’s most interesting
“toy”. We have, by far, more features. We are the ultimate entertainment centers.
Children are in the process of forming impressions of the world and their effect upon the world. They do this by getting feedback from every interaction.
Toys R’ Us Given traditional ways of disciplining, it is
remarkably easy for a child, especially an
intense child, to form an impression that
this “Toy” is much more animated,
interesting, and alive in relation to their
unacceptable behaviors.
Toys R’ Us Children experience the truth of what really
gets us going
We operate as if we’re interpreted literally but there’s a current underneath the rational
How much are we radiating?
“Thank you” & “Good Job” pale in comparison to the energy radiated in relation to adversity.
Be the Prize! Our emotions, our reactions, our level of our
involvement…our energies are the prize.
Children have an uncanny way of knowing
where “more” is.
Fortunately we get to choose what we
radiate and how we radiate.
Nintendo Structures Nintendo has a near perfect blend of
structure: the positives and the limits are in
just the right balance…
The timing is right…always in the moment.
The payoffs are not upside down.
Nintendo Wisdom Traditional models of teaching and parenting
aren’t anywhere near as clear or as powerful
as Nintendo.
Kids are confused about what’s an incentive
and what’s a consequence.
Nintendo Therapy Given the right level of structure, children
can really play life to win. The structure
helps them to use their intensity and
energies successfully.
Nintendo Wisdom Wouldn’t it be nice if children applied
themselves to the game of life with the same
zeal? It can be done.
Life is a Nintendo game. We can transpose
the same near perfect blend of structure to
any other environment.
Who is at fault? No Blame: The existing models, methods
and beliefs are the problem….not the
parents, teachers or child.
It’s rarely pathology…and the child’s really
not out to get you…
The Quest
As a behavior specialist, I simply want to
teach an approach that works.
I am on a “Quest” for transformation, and
believe that teachers can be agents of
transformation.
So what do we do from here?
Taking a Stand #1: “I refuse to be drawn into accidentally energizing and rewarding negativity.”
What is our intention? Toll booth worker
Taking a Stand Negative attention is like junk food: No
nutritional value. Although not intended that
way, it makes children weaker on the inside
and downloads as failures.
Taking a Stand Normal attempts to be positive get defended
against. The child inwardly braces with words
or thoughts along the lines of “I can’t hear
that compliment...It’s not the truth…I’m not a
good kid...” They are basing this on the
evidence of what has been energized.
Video MomentsActive Recognition
Ordinary moments are windows of opportunity
to give children a “verbal snapshot” of what
we observe them doing.
Notice both actions and emotions.
Use encouragement rather than praise.
Encouragement vs Praise What does the research say about the value of Praise? Does the wording really make a difference? What are the long-term outcomes of feedback?
Video Moments *Describe back to the child what the child is
doing, saying, presenting, without any kind of
evaluation—be neutral.
Ex: I notice that you are working hard on your
drawing. You have chosen 3 colors, red, blue,
green.
Some examples Students have come in from recess. What behaviors do
you see? What do you want to see? What behaviors can you “energize” with your feedback? Create another example.
More on Video Moments…*These are “neutral” moments.*Try to give 10-20 a day (or every 10-15
minutes you are together.*Do not use during delivery of consequences.*Persist even if child reacts negatively.
PolaroidsExperiential Recognition
When do we typically choose to teach the
qualities and life skills that we value?
How receptive are children to this type of
learning?
Polaroids
Highlight the healthy aspects of the qualities
that you wish to enhance.
Teaching values is like polishing a gem…find
the facet and nurture it.
Polaroids
Children often do not know how to evaluate
their experiences. They need our help.
Ex: I see that you are putting a lot of effort
into playing together. You are being so
cooperative and that helps our class to be a
great place.
Taking a Stand #3: “There are still rules, and this is what happens when you choose to break a rule. I refuse to not provide a true consequence when a rule is broken.”
CanonsProactive Recognition
This builds on the first two techniques to highlight
when the student is not breaking rules. This is a
way to introduce rules to student when they are
being successful.
Ex: Jane, thank you for staying in your seat while
everyone else is working. You are showing
respect for your classmates. I appreciate that
you are following that rule.
Canons When do we normally choose to teach
rules?
How receptive are children to hearing our
words of wisdom under those
circumstances?
Canons We often give out energy to the rules at the
worst possible time…we can easily
accidentally reward the child for breaking the
rule.
Canons A fresh look at rules: Old rules and new
rules.
What kind of rules best helps intense and
challenging children.
Clarity…and more success opportunities.
Canons Creating more experiences of success.
Recognition and appreciation when rules
are not being broken.
Canons Recognition to self-control and healthy power.
There’s always an underlying effort when
rules are not being broken.
Canons These begin to clarify the limits and set the
stage for rules and consequences to really
have an effect.
Creative Recognition How do we normally make requests of our
children?
Advertising options: traditional requests
imply a choice.
Eliminate the options and confusion by
making clear requests: “I need you to….”
Creative RecognitionAlways remember to reinforce with recognition and
appreciation that is a bigger-than-ordinary reaction.
Use simple, clear commands.
Ex. Jim is in the process of sitting in his seat, past
the point of reversing his action. “Jim, I need you to
sit down.) Once he is down say, “Jim, thank you for
sitting in your seat when I told you to. You are
helping me to get the class going on time. You are
so cooperative.”
More on commands Use simple requests that are do-able.
Be sure the content is clear.
Invite compliance.
Use command language and not a
question.
Don’t end your command with “okay?”
Making a Fuss Instead of making a big deal over negativity,
make a fuss over the good stuff.
Don’t get drawn into the usual traps: When a
child does not comply, we often increase our
voice tone , pitch, and volume, displaying
frustration and anger. These are “payoffs” in
terms of energy. We focus on the negative and
show no appreciation.
Ex: “I noticed that you picked up almost all of the
toys. I appreciate that you listened and gave a
good effort. Now I need you to get the last few
toys.”
Multiplying Successes Comments that play both ends of the
opportunity:
What IS happening that can be held up as a
success, AND.
What ISN’T happening that can be held up
as a success.
Setting Limits
We can’t ignore problem behaviors—that would be a disaster!We need reliable and consistent consequences that require little of the teacher’s energy.
Setting Limits Most every consequence is really a form of
time-out.
Most attempts to implement a time-out are
done under less than optimal conditions.
They are contaminated with “rewards.”
And the level of energy for successes isn’t
nearly high enough.
Setting Limits Time-Ins: The payoff of excitement, success,
and emotional-psychological nutrition when
things are going right
Time-Outs: Missing out on life’s payoffs and
options.
Setting Limits The Speed Limit Story: How to get out of
the way and let your child discover the
solution of how to be more aware, use more
self-control, and stay clear of the limits.
Effective Corrections Students have just begun circle time. One student is
twirling around bumping into other students. How do you make a “correction” without energizing it with the reward of your relationship?
Setting Limits You can’t really stop someone from breaking a
rule, but you can give a consequence.
Children already know the truth.
It gets old trying to stop them and it
communicates fear and inability while further
rewarding poor choices.
Setting Limits Children need to see what will happen
when they break a rule. If you put a new
roof on a house, you want it to rain to test
its reliability,.
Children are relieved to realize that they
don’t have to be perfect and if they break a
rule it’s not a big deal.
Setting Limits There’s no longer anything to be gained by
breaking rules. The big reactions are for the
positives. Breaking a rule only gets a true
consequence, not a payoff.
Use very short time outs for a “reset.”
Setting Limits Like in Nintendo, the child becomes much
more interested in not breaking rules.
Like in Nintendo, the attraction to positive
forms of success becomes an overriding force.
A specific child…. Share with a partner about one specific child that is
having some challenges in your classroom. Think of ways that you can transform your thoughts about this child and the way that you notice and interact with her/him.
Remember!
Shamu: The art of creating successes that wouldn’t otherwise exist…
The Toll Booth Attendant: The art of the way we choose to see things.
Remember!We want to develop the inner
wealth and nurture the heart
of each child.
“Treat people as if they were
where they ought to be, and
you help them become who
they are capable of being.” Goethe
Resources for further study: Books by Howard Glasser:
Transforming the Difficult Child All Children Flourishing The Inner Wealth Initiative
Website: www.difficultchild.com
Consultation/Coaching:[email protected] 503-910-8832