Mar

082012

PaGE

8

Dear Whitman ResLife,You do not know me, and I doubt you ever will. I know you try

to get to know every student at Whitman, but you will still never get to know me; because, I am not a student, much as I wish I was. Even though I can use a semicolon with precision and skill, I will never walk the fabled halls of Prentiss, Anderson or even the Pit, which sounds like a place in Hell.

Even though my best friend in all the world, Sarah Thisisnotar-ealpersonwhogoesheredontbotherlookingheruponpeoplesearch, is a freshman this year at your most fine of institutions, I was not allowed to attend. It is not a matter of my intelligence or skill, but rather one of diversity. According to you, I am too diverse for Whitman, seeing as I am not human. I am a dog, Sarah’s dog, and some specist fascist in charge of these things won’t let me live with her.

Whitman may hate dogs, and think them inferior, but for some reason they love fish. It doesn’t matter that a fish cannot love people or interact in any meaningful way with anything outside of its tank. In order to put an end to this gross injustice, I am appealing to the very top of the ladder. Let all animals, no matter how many legs they use for locomotion, live in the dorms. Turn away the cats if you must, I wouldn’t blame you. But let those who love Frisbee, cuddling and rectifying the fact that humans have too little moisture on their faces attend Whitman College. Thank you.

Sincerely,Scruffles “Fetchmaster” Jones

BACKPAGE

Cartoon by Emily Johnson

MAY The cool-down month. Lots of Easy Mac and “30 Rock.”

JUNE Signed up for a calligraphy class at the community college. Never went on ac-count of lack of opposable thumbs.

JULYWent to 4th of July party. Uncle Sam kept asking if he lays the eggs he deliv-ers. Brings up bad child-hood memories.

AUGUSTWent horseback riding with Sasquatch. Felt weird about it.

SEPTEMBERPulled a muscle working out. Treadmill not made for bunny stride.

OCTOBERDressed up as Peter Cot-tontail for Halloween: blue t-shirt, no pants.

NOVEMBERRedecorated the warren—sort of a cubist-rococo feel.

DECEMBERGot a job as a mall Santa. Too awkward to bring up at the Christmas party at the Clauses’ . . .

JANUARYAttempted to change name to E. Sterbun Ni. Sounded classier.

FEBRUARYStarted thinking about getting back in shape . . . hired personal trainer.

MARCHGot a haircut. It looked awful. This would happen just before Easter.

The race for the Republican nomination has become a shit-show. While it seems as though Mitt Romney, former Massa-chusetts Governor, has a solid lead because he has won most of the primaries, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are still fighting. One of Santorum’s campaign managers recently told reporters, “We are pretty

sure we’re not going to win, but it’s still fun to screw with Romney.” Sadly for Romney, he has not caught onto this. He just came out with a new campaign slogan, based off of Ronald Reagan’s 11th Commandment (which Romney has totally ig-nored), “Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican.” Romney’s 12th Command-

ment: “Thou shalt do anything to win, literally.” So far he has stuck to it pretty well. He’s re-lated himself to the lower mid-dle class by having friends who are NASCAR owners, shown that he’s not really a rich jerk by releasing one year of tax re-turns where he pays less taxes than those who make $50,000 a year and making a $10,000 bet

on TV, advocated for drug test-ing welfare recipients, back-tracked on resurfaced views on national healthcare mandates, and by “not [being] concerned about the very poor [because] we have a safety net there.” He’s become such a relatable guy to the diverse population of the United States—how will he not win?

TRUELIFE

Unlike Santa, the Easter Bunny’s off-season is not filled with feverish preparations for next year. He’s got to keep himself busy, staying in shape for all that hop-hop-hoppin’. The Pioneer did a little research, and this was his schedule last year:

I’M THE EASTER BUNNY

ADVERTISEMENT

ANSWERS FROM LAST WEEK: “SPLIT LEVEL”, “DARK CIRCLES UNDER THE EYES” AND “I UNDERSTAND.”

“Thou shalt do anything to win, literally.”

MITT ROMNEY’S 12TH COMMANDMENT

ILLUSTRATION BY ZINSER