1
e Pioneer ISSUE 7 MAR. 11, 2010 Page 12 Backpage Breaking news! Newspaper that is! Whit- man College students only recently dis- covered that the campus has a student-run paper called e Pioneer. “I spilled coffee in Reid,” explained se- nior Bert Bergheffen, who was the first to discover e Pioneer. “So to clean it up, I got some of that giant colored free toilet paper in the blue stands, and then I looked at it for the first time and I was like, this is a newspaper?! I showed the article ‘En- vironmentalism is awesome, rocks’ to my friends and we were all like, ‘GOOD LORD THIS IS PROFOUND, WE SHOULD RE- CYCLE!’ Aſter that, things just got crazy.” “It makes sense that people would get crazy about e Pioneer,” 1 said Professor of Politics Jim Hontalas, probably refer- ring to the paper’s new popularity. Ninety-six percent of the campus has become anarchic, scrounging for any cop- ies of e Pio they can get their hands on. e other four percent are Pio writers, who have been hiding from the violent masses in the Pio office, while imbibing Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider to celebrate their new popularity. e Pioneer covers all the issues that are important,” 2 said Hontalas, probably referring to the paper’s keen sense of the campus’ concerns. And yet, not everyone felt the same at first. “When I found out we had a school paper, I was worried that it was going to contain information on things like the campus’ persistent prescription drug ad- dictions, the total lack of structurally safe off-campus housing, what President Bridges is doing with the budget or the underground rape culture. But I was THRILLED to find that they focus more on subjects that never change,” said soph- omore Jenny Steward, pointing to the ar- ticle “Students return from winter break.” e news that e Pio has an A&E sec- tion hit seniors the hardest. “I feel like I’ve wasted four years here without reading reviews exclusively of for- eign films, followed by a scathing review of the readers themselves,” said senior Rachel Boofus, referring to the article, “‘Monsieur and Madame Smith’ insightful, over your head.” “Oooh, this is supposed to be vigorous and effervescent! I can’t wait to see it!” she said. “e proportion of the student budget that goes towards e Pio is appropriate,” 3 said Hontalas, probably referring to things. Junior Rebecca Trout said, “I only spend $30 a year on this?! And that pays for a FUCKING PUZZLE MASTER?! Pinch me!” “And the headlines are so clever!” said sophomore Tiffany Bennett, pointing to the articles “New condiment buffet in Prentiss delicious, rocks”; “Library securi- ty system effective, rocks”; and “Paper clip tray in computer lab helpful, rocks.” Of all the sections however, all inter- viewed students agreed that the Backpage is the best thing there is, ever. “Before I turned to the Backpage, I was sure that the Pio article ‘Geology majors study boulders, stones’ was the apex of historic journalism. But those Backpage writers are so good at making dick jokes, political references to things they only know about because of Jon Stewart and lists of things that don’t exist! SO GOOD AT IT!” said Bennett. “e Backpage is to God what God was to Jesus, by which I mean that if there were no Backpage there WOULD. BE. NO. HUMOR. OR. POINT. TO. LIFE.,” 4 said Hontalas, probably referring to some stuff. 1 Correction: Full quote should read, “It makes sense that people would get crazy about e Pioneer, given that they’ve misquoted me so badly I got put on an FBI watch list. Twice.” 2 Correction: Full quote should read, “e Pioneer covers all the issues that are important to grandmothers and the overly-sheltered.” 3 Correction: Full quote should read, “e proportion of the student budget that goes to- wards e Pioneer is appropriate for a National Defense System, or at least a substantial increase to the financial aid department.” 4 Correction: Full quote should read, “e Backpage sucks.” attempting humor since 1922...ish Quote Board: As most of you may know, the cost of paper is increasing and there have been discussions about reducing poster funding, which may lead to poster downsizing and ultimately, bare walls. Let’s start by hearing from our treasurer—the Whittie Drinking Poster. Whittie Drinking Poster [slurring words]: Seventy-six percent of the money is always or usually there . . . I love you guys. Quote Board: Are you drunk? Whittie Drinking Poster: I’m 98 to 1000 percent wasted [bursts into tears]. Pterodactyl Tidbits Poster: If you need to throw up, consider using a bath- room. Quote Board: e financial situation could mean downsizing. ey just won’t have enough money to print all of us. So it comes down to who is most valu- able. Whittie Drinking Poster: I think we’re all equalit . . . equalib . . . equally valu- able [burps]. Pterodactyl Tidbits Poster: When assigning a value to members of a group, consider each individual’s personal contribution and rank accordingly. Whiteboard: I mostly get dicks drawn on me. I could probably get taken down. Pterodactyl Tidbits Poster: When drawing a dick on a whiteboard, be sure to use an erasable pen. Permanent marker and ballpoint pens harm whiteboards, making them useless. Quote board: I’m sorry Whiteboard, but you’re not actually made of paper. You’ll have to stay up. I suggest we look to the more decorative posters. ey cost a great deal and contribute nothing to dorm safety or education. Whittie Drinking Poster: Whitties are always safe! Ninety-nine percent of Whitties look aſter their friends when they’re doing body shots off lacrosse play- ers in frat basements. Did anybody see where I set my beer? Pterodactyl Tidbits Poster: To drink a beer, open it and then pour it in your mouth, pausing to swallow and breathe. Whiteboard: Please. Please take me down. I don’t think I can face another day. 50 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women Poster: Hey! I provide a valuable service! I remind dudes exactly why beer is better than women. Rea- son number one: A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer! AM I RIGHT GUYS? [Tries to high-five Whittie Drinking Poster, who falls over.] Quote Board: We’re losing focus people! e question is: Which posters will stay and which ones will go? Pterodactyl Tidbits: Posters go on walls! 50 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women Poster: My life is so empty. In our next installment of Notes From the Meeting of Jewett Dorm Posters . . . 50 Reasons Why Beer Is Better an Women Poster changes his mind, deciding that women may in fact be preferable to beer. Students discover campus newspaper called Pio! Wow! Working at school is so much fun! I get to hang out with such cool kids, like that really cool Simi Singh girl. I think she might be one of my favorite students or maybe even one of my best friends! She is such a special girl. I should grade her test right now because I am so ex- cited to see how much she has learned and be amazed by how much potential she has. I will definitely be telling her parents about her potential at our next parent-teacher conference. ere’s just so much of it. I think I’ll also mention that she has a problem with talking too much during class, but I will just bring that up as a way to tell her parents that we have such great conversations as mu- tual friends! Here’s Simi’s test. Incredible! Simi got practically every vocabulary question wrong! She was probably just up late drawing that seasonal May Day picture on Microsoſt Paint for me that she gave to me on the day of the test. I just really appreciate her friendship. She’s so sup- portive. Like the one time I asked her to stay aſter class because she didn’t do her Bacchus project. It was really nice to just sit down and chat with her like Rachel and Monica do on “Friends.” I wasn’t actually angry. I just like to yell because that’s what Rachel and Monica do and then they are even better friends aſter they yell at each other and then they hug and they are best friends forever! Geez, I can barely read Simi’s hand- writing. Is this cursive? Everyone knows only adults write in cursive. She’s so mature! And she makes so many great jokes. Like the time she changed my computer desktop from the default pic- ture of a sepia-toned chocolate lab ly- ing on a wooden floor to a picture of a very scary clown she found aſter Google image searching “scary pictures” and when I returned to my computer aſter class I screamed very loudly—but it was actually a great April Fool’s joke! at was so hilarious and I yelled so much at her to express how much fun it is to prank friends, like that time Joey got the anksgiving turkey stuck on his head and Rachel and Monica thought it was scary but then thought it was hilarious because friends always pull pranks on each other! I can’t wait to go back to school on Monday and ask the class about their weekend and hear about how Simi went to that cool ceramics painting studio for Angela’s birthday party and painted this awesome mug with a picture of us sit- ting on bean bags with the phrase “amor omnia vincit” written at the bottom of the mug. Every time I finish my cup of coffee, I’ll look down into my mug and remember my friend Simi! Best friend forever! BFF! at’s what I’ll write on her test. A big, red “F” for “friends.” I just hope that she realizes that I’ll be there for her even when her job’s a joke, she’s broke and her love life’s D.O.A., whatever that means. Love really does conquer all. Secret Tunnel Digger Duck Wrangler Prospie Actor Ambassador to Cyprus Prentiss Bellhop iPod Charger Campus Pet Detective Book Burner Bike Collector (Thief) Frisbee Inspector WCTS Mascot Whitmail Converter Missionary Campus Pet Mortician Weed Farmer Butcher Baker Candlestick Maker Gynecologist On-Campus jobs you haven’t heard of Trying to save up a little cash for your Sasquatch Fund this year? e Pio’s got the scoop on some of the hottest on-campus student jobs that are still under the radar and hir- ing. Pick up applications in the Business Office today! How my 8th grade Latin teacher graded my tests as imagined by my 8th grade self by Simi Notes from a meeting of the Associated Committee of Posters, Fliers and Informational Signage: Jewett Chapter Students in Jewett go absolutely crazy when seeing The Pioneer for the first time. Although not captured, they could not contain themselves! New York Times photo editor Please discuss your experience in the world of photojournalism: I have been a part-time photographer for the Daily Bugle for over 30 years. I would have been promoted but I was always busy with . . . other things. I guess you could say I have lots of expe- rience with the “web” ;) Reason for rejection: Totally unquali- fied. Thirty years as a part time pho- tographer in no way qualifies you for a position on the New York Times photo staff. Use of emoticons extremely unprofessional. Also, portfolio con- tains only pictures of Spiderman. Peter Parker’s job hunt Research assistant at the Nuclear Spider Research Institute Experience with spiders, nuclear energy or both: My love of spiders and nuclear energy literally runs through my veins. It is what gives me the energy to wake up every morning and pursue my goals and also to climb up walls and shoot webs out of my wrists (Just kidding!) (Or am I?). Reason for rejection: Applicant possesses only a high school education.This position requires at least an undergrad degree in physics and spider biology. Security Guard Experience with fighting crime: I have fought crime daily since I was 17-years-old. My skills include the rela- tive strength, speed and agility of a spi- der and the ability to shoot webs. Please . . . I really need this right now. I’m so hungry. Reason for rejection: According to former employer J. Jonah Jameson, applicant is lazy, arrogant and far too interested in the affairs of Spiderman. McDonald’s line cook How many hours are you available per week? I AM SPIDERMAN! YEARS AGO I WAS BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE SPIDER, AND NOW I HAVE SUPER- POWERS! I WILL USE THEM ALL IF YOU GIVE ME A JOB! Reason for rejection: Overqualified FENNELL

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The PioneerIssue 7

Mar. 11, 2010

Page 12 Backpage

Breaking news! Newspaper that is! Whit-man College students only recently dis-covered that the campus has a student-run paper called The Pioneer.

“I spilled coffee in Reid,” explained se-nior Bert Bergheffen, who was the first to discover The Pioneer. “So to clean it up, I got some of that giant colored free toilet paper in the blue stands, and then I looked

at it for the first time and I was like, this is a newspaper?! I showed the article ‘En-vironmentalism is awesome, rocks’ to my friends and we were all like, ‘GOOD LORD THIS IS PROFOUND, WE SHOULD RE-CYCLE!’ After that, things just got crazy.”

“It makes sense that people would get crazy about The Pioneer,”1 said Professor of Politics Jim Hontalas, probably refer-

ring to the paper’s new popularity. Ninety-six percent of the campus has

become anarchic, scrounging for any cop-ies of The Pio they can get their hands on. The other four percent are Pio writers, who have been hiding from the violent masses in the Pio office, while imbibing Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider to celebrate their new popularity.

“The Pioneer covers all the issues that are important,”2 said Hontalas, probably referring to the paper’s keen sense of the campus’ concerns.

And yet, not everyone felt the same at first.

“When I found out we had a school paper, I was worried that it was going to contain information on things like the campus’ persistent prescription drug ad-dictions, the total lack of structurally safe off-campus housing, what President Bridges is doing with the budget or the underground rape culture. But I was THRILLED to find that they focus more on subjects that never change,” said soph-omore Jenny Steward, pointing to the ar-ticle “Students return from winter break.”

The news that The Pio has an A&E sec-tion hit seniors the hardest.

“I feel like I’ve wasted four years here without reading reviews exclusively of for-eign films, followed by a scathing review of the readers themselves,” said senior Rachel Boofus, referring to the article, “‘Monsieur and Madame Smith’ insightful, over your head.”

“Oooh, this is supposed to be vigorous and effervescent! I can’t wait to see it!” she said.

“The proportion of the student budget that goes towards The Pio is appropriate,”3

said Hontalas, probably referring to things.Junior Rebecca Trout said, “I only

spend $30 a year on this?! And that pays for a FUCKING PUZZLE MASTER?!

Pinch me!”“And the headlines are so clever!” said

sophomore Tiffany Bennett, pointing to the articles “New condiment buffet in Prentiss delicious, rocks”; “Library securi-ty system effective, rocks”; and “Paper clip tray in computer lab helpful, rocks.”

Of all the sections however, all inter-viewed students agreed that the Backpage is the best thing there is, ever.

“Before I turned to the Backpage, I was sure that the Pio article ‘Geology majors study boulders, stones’ was the apex of historic journalism. But those Backpage writers are so good at making dick jokes, political references to things they only know about because of Jon Stewart and lists of things that don’t exist! SO GOOD AT IT!” said Bennett.

“The Backpage is to God what God was to Jesus, by which I mean that if there were no Backpage there WOULD. BE. NO. HUMOR. OR. POINT. TO. LIFE.,”4 said Hontalas, probably referring to some stuff.

1Correction: Full quote should read, “It makes sense that people would get crazy about The Pioneer, given that they’ve misquoted me so badly I got put on an FBI watch list. Twice.”

2Correction: Full quote should read, “The Pioneer covers all the issues that are important to grandmothers and the overly-sheltered.”

3Correction: Full quote should read, “The proportion of the student budget that goes to-wards The Pioneer is appropriate for a National Defense System, or at least a substantial increase to the financial aid department.”

4Correction: Full quote should read, “The Backpage sucks.”

attempting humor since 1922...ish

Quote Board: As most of you may know, the cost of paper is increasing and there have been discussions about reducing poster funding, which may lead to poster downsizing and ultimately, bare walls. Let’s start by hearing from our treasurer—the Whittie Drinking Poster.

Whittie Drinking Poster [slurring words]: Seventy-six percent of the money is always or usually there . . . I love you guys.

Quote Board: Are you drunk?Whittie Drinking Poster: I’m 98 to 1000 percent wasted [bursts into tears]. Pterodactyl Tidbits Poster: If you need to throw up, consider using a bath-

room. Quote Board: The financial situation could mean downsizing. They just won’t

have enough money to print all of us. So it comes down to who is most valu-able.

Whittie Drinking Poster: I think we’re all equalit . . . equalib . . . equally valu-able [burps].

Pterodactyl Tidbits Poster: When assigning a value to members of a group, consider each individual’s personal contribution and rank accordingly.

Whiteboard: I mostly get dicks drawn on me. I could probably get taken down. Pterodactyl Tidbits Poster: When drawing a dick on a whiteboard, be sure to

use an erasable pen. Permanent marker and ballpoint pens harm whiteboards, making them useless.

Quote board: I’m sorry Whiteboard, but you’re not actually made of paper. You’ll have to stay up. I suggest we look to the more decorative posters. They cost a great deal and contribute nothing to dorm safety or education.

Whittie Drinking Poster: Whitties are always safe! Ninety-nine percent of Whitties look after their friends when they’re doing body shots off lacrosse play-ers in frat basements. Did anybody see where I set my beer?

Pterodactyl Tidbits Poster: To drink a beer, open it and then pour it in your mouth, pausing to swallow and breathe.

Whiteboard: Please. Please take me down. I don’t think I can face another day. 50 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women Poster: Hey! I provide a

valuable service! I remind dudes exactly why beer is better than women. Rea-son number one: A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer! AM I RIGHT GUYS? [Tries to high-five Whittie Drinking Poster, who falls over.]

Quote Board: We’re losing focus people! The question is: Which posters will stay and which ones will go?

Pterodactyl Tidbits: Posters go on walls! 50 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women Poster: My life is so empty.

In our next installment of Notes From the Meeting of Jewett Dorm Posters . . .50 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women Poster changes his mind, deciding that women may in fact be preferable to beer.

Students discover campus newspaper called Pio!

Wow! Working at school is so much fun! I get to hang out with such cool kids, like that really cool Simi Singh girl. I think she might be one of my favorite students or maybe even one of my best friends! She is such a special girl. I should grade her test right now because I am so ex-cited to see how much she has learned and be amazed by how much potential she has. I will definitely be telling her parents about her potential at our next parent-teacher conference. There’s just so much of it. I think I’ll also mention that she has a problem with talking too much during class, but I will just bring that up as a way to tell her parents that we have such great conversations as mu-tual friends!

Here’s Simi’s test. Incredible! Simi got practically every vocabulary question wrong! She was probably just up late drawing that seasonal May Day picture on Microsoft Paint for me that she gave to me on the day of the test. I just really appreciate her friendship. She’s so sup-portive. Like the one time I asked her to stay after class because she didn’t do her Bacchus project. It was really nice to just sit down and chat with her like Rachel and Monica do on “Friends.” I wasn’t actually angry. I just like to yell because that’s what Rachel and Monica do and then they are even better friends after they yell at each other and then they hug and they are best friends forever!

Geez, I can barely read Simi’s hand-writing. Is this cursive? Everyone knows

only adults write in cursive. She’s so mature! And she makes so many great jokes. Like the time she changed my computer desktop from the default pic-ture of a sepia-toned chocolate lab ly-ing on a wooden floor to a picture of a very scary clown she found after Google image searching “scary pictures” and when I returned to my computer after class I screamed very loudly—but it was actually a great April Fool’s joke! That was so hilarious and I yelled so much at her to express how much fun it is to prank friends, like that time Joey got the Thanksgiving turkey stuck on his head and Rachel and Monica thought it was scary but then thought it was hilarious because friends always pull pranks on each other!

I can’t wait to go back to school on Monday and ask the class about their weekend and hear about how Simi went to that cool ceramics painting studio for Angela’s birthday party and painted this awesome mug with a picture of us sit-ting on bean bags with the phrase “amor omnia vincit” written at the bottom of the mug. Every time I finish my cup of coffee, I’ll look down into my mug and remember my friend Simi! Best friend forever! BFF! That’s what I’ll write on her test. A big, red “F” for “friends.” I just hope that she realizes that I’ll be there for her even when her job’s a joke, she’s broke and her love life’s D.O.A., whatever that means. Love really does conquer all.

Secret Tunnel DiggerDuck WranglerProspie ActorAmbassador to CyprusPrentiss Bellhop iPod ChargerCampus Pet DetectiveBook BurnerBike Collector (Thief)Frisbee InspectorWCTS MascotWhitmail ConverterMissionaryCampus Pet MorticianWeed FarmerButcherBakerCandlestick MakerGynecologist

On-Campus jobs you haven’t heard ofTrying to save up a little cash for your Sasquatch Fund this year? The Pio’s got the scoop on some of the hottest on-campus student jobs that are still under the radar and hir-ing. Pick up applications in the Business Office today!

How my 8th grade Latin teacher graded my tests as imagined by my 8th grade self by Simi

Notes from a meeting of the Associated Committee of Posters, Fliers and

Informational Signage: Jewett Chapter

Students in Jewett go absolutely crazy when seeing The Pioneer for the first time. Although not captured, they could not contain themselves!

New York Times photo editor Please discuss your experience in the world of photojournalism: I have been a part-time photographer for the Daily Bugle for over 30 years. I would have been promoted but I was always busy with . . . other things. I guess you could say I have lots of expe-rience with the “web” ;)

Reason for rejection: Totally unquali-fied. Thirty years as a part time pho-tographer in no way qualifies you for a position on the New York Times photo staff. Use of emoticons extremely unprofessional. Also, portfolio con-tains only pictures of Spiderman.

Peter Parker’s job hunt

Research assistant at the Nuclear Spider

Research Institute

Experience with spiders, nuclear energy

or both:

My love of spiders and nuclear energy

literally runs through my veins. It is what

gives me the energy to wake up every

morning and pursue my goals and also

to climb up walls and shoot webs out of

my wrists (Just kidding!) (Or am I?).

Reason for rejection: Applicant possesses only a high school education.This position requires at least an undergrad degree in physics and spider biology.

Security GuardExperience with fighting crime:

I have fought crime daily since I was 17-years-old. My skills include the rela-tive strength, speed and agility of a spi-der and the ability to shoot webs. Please . . . I really need this right now. I’m so hungry.

Reason for rejection: According to former employer J. Jonah Jameson, applicant is lazy, arrogant and far too interested in the affairs of Spiderman.

McDonald’s line cook

How many hours are you available per

week?

I AM SPIDERMAN! YEARS AGO I

WAS BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE

SPIDER, AND NOW I HAVE SUPER-

POWERS! I WILL USE THEM ALL IF

YOU GIVE ME A JOB!

Reason for rejection: Overqualified

Fennell