Nov

172011

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lurkbook

Super intelligent guy who probably should have attended Reed instead of Whitman because he is constantly tweaking out and consequently way too into commenting on metaphysical properties of the weather

Popular kid who posts random, superfluous statuses which people feel obligated to like because they know how popular he is

Girl who thinks she has it all but everyone knows it could be much, much better

Friend who got into Columbia and constantly reminds everyone of how much better his life is than everyone else’s

Guy with no musical talent at all who always posts obscure indie song lyrics to narrate what he perceives to be problems of the day

Girl who posts every mundane detail of her daily life

That girl who takes a photo of every meal she makes and then tries to tag it with a humble tagline to make it look like it wasn’t difficult to make

Girl who hates school and only posts about weekends, breaks or socializing

That one girl who is always changing her relationship status because she thinks that one-night stands are the same as relation-ships

That one girl who is always changing her relationship status because she thinks that one-night stands are the same as relation-ships

loves it when the wind kisses your face with her cold, dry lips.

What’s the deal with carabiners?

Best Weekend EVER!!! Watched the greatest movie of all time, “Mission Impossible II,” then made some brownies and hung out with my girls playing Uno for nine hours! Haha life doesn’t get much better than this

James Franco’s lecture last night about the in-equalities of a modern-day artist was simply fan-tastic. God, I love this university!

“The treacherous streetlights call for the blinders glaring the dark sides of the rule of supply and demand” -Jarle Bernhoft

Laundry, work, lunch, work, class, haircut, dinner, homework, sleep. Here we go again . . .

made some simple choucroute garnie with a lil’ bit of bouillabaisse to top it off for din-din tonight. Yum!

Only FIVE MORE DAYS till the weekend!!!!!!

went from being “single” to “in a relationship.”

went from being “in a relationship” to “single.”

Typical Social Networking @ Whitman

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Girl who’s always trying to prove to everyone how talented she is, but is too busy with “important” tasks to actually prove it I would have made the same thing tonight, but I had to work on a 12-page thesis for my double major, double minor :/ No rest for the gifted, I guess, haha ;)

Girl who hates school and only posts about weekends, breaks or socializing Only two weeks until break tho

39 people like this.

Girl who’s always trying to prove to everyone how talented she is, but is too busy with “important” tasks to actually prove it Yeah, I have to work at all three of my jobs to-day, then go to my four student leader-ship meetings and then go to an extra-credit opportunity for Bio that’s only offered for the A+ students . . . ugh

Girl who hates school and only posts about weekends, breaks or socializing Only FIVE MORE DAYS till the weekend!!!!!!

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Wake up, check the clock. 9:50 a.m. on Nov. 7. Ahh, feels so great to have the

full 10 minutes to get ready for En-counters. As I stroll the six feet it takes to get from Jewett to Olin East, I’m surprised at how few people are walking across Ankeny. I mean, come on—it’s 10 o’clock. What about those hoodrats who

have 9 o’clock classes?! And dang, where’s all my fresh meat at for En-counters? Whatever. As I continue through the courtyard and into my class, I realize some fools must be tripping because a gripload of ran-do upperclassmen are kickin’ it in room 129, having some serious discussion. This is odd . . . what the hell is going on? Don’t these

cats know it’s Encounters time?! Well, this is too weird. Imma just take a two-hour nap before lunch. Waking up, I head down to the dining hall at 11:55. What the heck!! Jewett dining hall . . . closed on a Monday!! Is it dooms-day? This must be the apocalypse!!

I should really spend less time at the library, yo.

Daylight Savings gone wrong

“The Partiers”Characteristics:• Going out every night from

Thursday to Saturday• Dancing or otherwise gy-

rating to music (preferably turned up high enough to make the brain liquify and spill out the ears)

• Devoted worshiping of the deity known only as “Shots”

“The Devoted Students”Characteristics:• An almost disturbing ob-

session with the quiet room in the library and a sick desire to be the last one there in order to receive the highest honor: signing one’s name in “The Book”

• Starting homework the night it’s assigned

• Applying an obscure practice known as “time management” (NOTE: due to scheduling issues, the Backpage has yet to find out to what this refers)

“Basically Everyone”Characteristics:• An intense delusion re-

garding how much work can be fit in an hour before class

• An inclination to disbe-lieve any possibility that they will not finish an assignment before the due date

• An ability to use absolutely anything as an excuse to not do homework (“IS THAT A BABY IN A WAGON? I SIMPLY CANNOT DO HOME-WORK NOW”)

“The Freshmen”Characteristics:• Continually complaining

about a ritual or rite known only as “Encounters”

• General emotional breakdowns during class registration

• Occasionally merging with the Partiers . . . at least until they are kicked out

“Whitties”Characteristics:• A devastating blend of intel-

ligence and good looks• The questionable pairing of

socks with any kind of shoe• At least two unusual talents,

ranging from unicycling to Tuvan throat singing

Now that you have been educated, the question remains: Which cult will suck YOU in?

Comic by Emily Johnson

ILLUSTRATION BY VAZQUEZ

KNOWYOURCAMPUS CULTS