OCT

272011

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8Hallo, Hallo, Hallowhitties,

Welcome to the Halloween issue! For Hal-loween this year, I thought long and hard and eventually came to the decision that I want to be Vampira. You might be asking me, though, aren’t you already a slutty fictional character? Would it be really a stretch to be Vampira for Halloween? I will let you know that Vampira is not a slut but, actually, a whore. And whores are totally differ-ent. So look out—I intend to shock and awe.

Ich bin ein Hallowiener,

Adam “John F’in Kennedy” Brayton

BACKPAGE

Truly Excellent Couple Ideas• Siamese twins (Even better as Siamese cats. Siamese cat twins?)• Native American and Christopher Columbus (A very exploitative relationship)• Hawaiian Punch (One dresses up as a boxer and the other dresses up as a hula dancer)• Pantomime Horse (Who’s gonna be the butt?)• Adam and Eve (Never mind fig leaves—just go naked!)• Priest and Nun (A truly Green-Dot couple)• Hot Dog & Bun (No, this is not an open-faced sandwich)• Harry and Hermione or Ron and Ginny (Someone’s gonna Avada Kedavra somebody . . . )

Costumes That Can’t Possibly Be Sluttified• Slutty pregnant elephant in the third trimester of the gestation period (Other alternatives include beached whale or dumpster)• Slutty Yahtzee (Even if there is a full house, there’s a 1/6^5 chance that nobody’s gonna want that)• Slutty Sasquatch (“Me Sasquatch. Me sexy thang.” Yeah, right)• Slutty Lamp with shade and stand (Nothing says curves like a pole with a lamp shade on its head)• Slutty Fellow of the Ring (Seriously, does anyone have a special place in their loins for Gimli?)

Group Ideas—For the Whole Section!• Gang Green (Everyone in the group wears all green)• Chudley Cannons Quidditch Team (Because nobody gives a hoot about those suckers)• Sandwich Condiments (Just smear it all over y’all’s bodies)• Office Supplies (And then, Rob Schneider found out how hard it was to be a stapler)• Brady Bunch Characters (Wholesome family fun for the whole wholesome family)• Assorted Fruits (Fruit of the Loom style)• Favorite mythical creatures (I’ll be the Pegasus to your Pan)

The official annual Backpage

list of potential costume ideas that

you should really take to heart in seriously

considering for the planning of your personal and

public masquerade on the holiday of .Halloween

Ich bin ein

Hallowiener

Is Halloween just a complete drag for you? Do you just want to punt every little five-year-old you see wearing some dumb costume he or she bought at Wal-Mart? Do you want to incinerate all sorts of

candies in a heaping fire fueled by the rage in your heart? Well, too freaking bad! I’m sure you’re the kind of person who has considered alternatives to this festival of wonderment and joyfulness and happy. And I’m gonna be the guy to shoot down all of those alternatives. Bring it.

Beggar’s Night: You think that giving to those people who need it most would be the best way to spend your evening. You think that maybe, just maybe, your work can help alleviate the symptoms of poverty that not only plague Walla Walla, but also the United States itself. Well, there are dozens, if not scores of children out there who want candy, and they want candy right now. Will you deprive them?

National Caramel Apple Day: You may be inclined to believe that putting a fruit inside your candy will make it somehow healthier. Lipstick on a pig, much?

Irish October Bank Holiday: If you have even thought once about celebrating this holiday that shouldn’t exist, you ought to be beaten mercilessly with a shillelagh. Irish banks don’t deserve holi-days until the economy gets fixed.

Samhain: Oh, you freaking hipster. “I’m going to celebrate the Gaelic holiday that was cool before Halloween existed and took it over.” Get with the times.

UNICEF day: I actually have no problems with this. As long as you are explicitly “Trick-or-Treating for UNICEF.”

ALTERNATIVES TO Halloween

Comic by Emily Johnson

Letter from The Puzzle Slut

For Frankenstein, you'd need more than one.

Joust verbally

A little quarrel

For Lady MacBeth, cover hands in blood and try to rub away that ____

Santa's suit stainer

In a minute

Big help; blessing

Brought into the world

Freddy Kruger make-up needs a large ____

Go left, say

Small glacial lake

Like a lemon

For a classic witch, put a ____ on the side of your nose

Herbaceous plant

Had on, as clothes

Oliver Twist's plea

Or, give your witch a big, hairy ____

Stripper ____

Source of sweat

Pig on a plate

To dress up as Machete you'll want to fill your face with ____ marks

Choose

A hair whorl or cow____

They cause itchy scalps

Darth Maul's face has a long ____ drawn down the forehead and nose

Cabernet or Zinfandel

Send via telegraph

Yorkshire river

Hundred-____ Wood

If you're uninspired, you can always go as a teenager with terrible ____

ILLUSTRATION BY BOWEN