Writing Effectively - English Speaking Course Lucknow -

8/8/2019 Writing Effectively - English Speaking Course Lucknow - www.cdilucknow.blogspot.com

1/37

2003 Prentice Hallwe1

Writing Effectively


2/37


REVISING FOR CONCISENESS

Revise the following sample sentences

(1 6), making them more concise.


3/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #1

ORIGINAL: The reason buying a new house is so

difficult is because the process is so complex.

PROBLEM: Redundancy reason is

because

REVISED: Buying a house is so difficult because

the process is so complex.


4/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #2

ORIGINAL: The first step is to achieve

familiarization with the area in which you plan

to buy.

PROBLEM: Nominalization to achieve

familiarization

REVISED: Buying a house is so difficult becausethe process is so complex.


5/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #3

ORIGINAL: A realtor who is experienced and well

recommended is a must.

PROBLEM: Unnecessary clause.

REVISED: An experienced, well-recommended

realtor is a must.


6/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #4

ORIGINAL: Trying to find a low-interest loan

complicates the home-buying situation.

PROBLEM: Roundabout construction using

situation.

REVISED: Trying to find a low-interest loan

complicates buying a home.


7/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #5

ORIGINAL: It is when you can find a fixed-

interest mortgage loan with single-digit interest

that you should lock it in, rather than settling for

a variable rate loan.

PROBLEM: Unnecessary expletive construction.

REVISED: When you can find a mortgage loan

with a single-digit fixed rate, you should lock it

in, rather than settling for a variable rate loan.


8/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #6

ORIGINAL: Dont forget that your down payment is only

one part of your closing costs. Closing costs may also

include having the home inspected, prepaying a years

worth of taxes in advance, insuring the house and evenhaving the property surveyed.

PROBLEM: Awkward repetition. Revise by combining

sentences and reducing phrases to single words.

REVISED: Dont forget that your down payment is onlyone part of your closing costs, which may also include

having a home inspected, prepayment of taxes, home

insurance and even a survey.


9/37


REVISING FOR COORDINATION OR

SUBORDINATION


(7 12); focus on identifying and

correcting problems of coordination or

subordination.


10/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #7

ORIGINAL: Joan was 35 and she had not lost her

taste for learning and she wanted to finish her

degree.

PROBLEM: Excessive coordination, unclear

relationships among ideas.

REVISED: Although Joan was 35, she had not

lost her taste for learning and wanted to finish

her degree.


11/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #8

ORIGINAL: She announced to her husband and children

that she was going back to college. She registered for

classes. She found somebody to carpool with. She went.

She had a few misgivings. She found herself surrounded

by 18-year-olds. She kept at it.

PROBLEM: Sentences are repetitive, primer-style. Needs

subordination to clarify relationships among these ideas.

REVISED: She announced to her husband and children

that she was going back to college, registered forclasses, found somebody to carpool with and went. She

had a few misgivings when she found herself surrounded

by 18-year-olds, but she kept at it.


12/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #9

ORIGINAL: She had a few early successes, but

she felt she could do it after all.

PROBLEM: Illogical coordination.

REVISED: When she had a few early successes,

she felt she could do it after all.


13/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #10

ORIGINAL: Although her new status as a student

put a great strain on her family, she often felt

like quitting.

PROBLEM: Illogical coordination.

REVISED: Because her new status as a student

put a great strain on her family, she often feltlike quitting.


14/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #11

ORIGINAL: Her children adjusted to the shock of

having a college student for a mother, and she

redoubled her efforts.PROBLEM: Unclear - Subordination would make

the connection between ideas clearer.

REVISED: When her children adjusted to theshock of having a college student for a mother,

she redoubled her efforts.


15/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #12

ORIGINAL: Her family transformed itself into a

support system. She wondered how single

people could manage the workload by

themselves.

PROBLEM: Unclear - Subordination would make

the connection between ideas clearer.

REVISED: As her family transformed itself into asupport system, she wondered how single

people could manage the workload by

themselves.


16/37


REVISING FOR PARALLELISM


(13 - 18); focus on identifying and

correcting problems of parallelism.


17/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #13

ORIGINAL: My fathers boss, losing his temper,

lashed out at my father and my father quit after

running out of patience.

PROBLEM: Unclear - Use parallel construction to

emphasize the contrast.

REVISED: My fathers boss, losing his temper,

lashed out at my father and my father, losing

his patience, quit.


18/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #14

ORIGINAL: My father had been unprepared for this major

change, which forced him to spend a large portion of

his time around the house performing domestic chores

and leading to what I would call a mid-life crisis.PROBLEM: Performing and leading look parallel, but

arent.

REVISED: My father had been unprepared for this major

change, which forced him to spend a large portion ofhis time around the house performing domestic chores.

His new status led to what I would call a mid-life crisis.


19/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #15

ORIGINAL: He had lost his job, but his sense of

identity was also gone.

PROBLEM: Improper conjunction Need to use

correlative conjunctions and parallel form.

REVISED: He had lost not only his job, but alsohis identity.


20/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #16

ORIGINAL: When he wasnt depressed he was

angry: with us, himself, and total strangers.

PROBLEM: Parallel items are not in climacticorder; need to repeat the preposition for

emphasis.

REVISED: When he wasnt depressed he wasangry with strangers, with us, with himself.


21/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #17

ORIGINAL: He fretted over his financial situation.

The fate of his family concerned him. He also

wondered what he would do next.

PROBLEM: Does not underscore closely related

ideas with parallelism.

REVISED: He fretted over his financial situation,his family and his future.


22/37


SAMPLE SENTENCE #18

ORIGINAL: My father began to regain his footingwhen he met Dr. Elizabeth Randall, aprofessional counselor who listens carefully,does not judge, and that helps her clientsarticulate their own feelings.

PROBLEM: Faulty parallelism.

REVISED: My father began to regain his footingwhen he met Dr. Elizabeth Randall, aprofessional counselor who listens carefully,who does not judge, and who helps her clientsarticulate their own feelings.


23/37


REVISING FOR VARIETY

One sign of an undeveloped style is a

series of simple sentences, all very close

to the same length. Without variety in

length and complexity, they lose the

potential for emphasis.

The result is a flat, unemphatic effect.

An unrelieved string of long, complex

sentences can be equally deadly.


24/37


EXERCISE: CREATING VARIETY

Count the number of words in each of the

sentences in the text given.

Describe each sentences structure: simple,

compound, complex or compound-complex.

Then revise the paragraph for variety andemphasis.


25/37


VARIETY EXERCISE TEXT

(1) After the funeral, the family of the deceased has to go

into mourning. (2) In Judaism, this period of mourning is

called Shiva. (3) This lasts for seven days. (4) Upon

returning home, the familys mirrors have been covered so

they cannot look at themselves. (5) A candle is lit for the

memory of the departed. (6) Friends and neighbors supply

the family with eggs as a traditional symbol of mourning. (7)

During the period of mourning, the persons thoughts are

considered to be involved only with the deceased, and themourners are expected to do nothing for themselves. (8)

The making and serving of meals and other household

tasks are done by friends.


26/37


VARIETY EXERCISE TEXT (cont)

(9) The role of friends and relatives is to comfort themourners. (10) During the Shiva the mourners do not leavethe house and the Kaddish or mourners prayer is saidtwice a day by those in mourning. (11) A thirty-day

mourning period is in effect if any close relative dies. (12) Ifit is a parent the period of mourning lasts a year. (13) At theend of the year the family must go to another service calledthe unveiling. (14) This is where the gravestone isuncovered after being covered for a year. (15) A prayer is

said at the gravesite where friends and relatives aregathered. (16) Yahrzeit is the anniversary of the deceased.(17) A memorial candle is lit annually to commemorate thepersons death.


27/37


ANALYSIS FOR VARIETY OF SENTENCE

LENGTH AND STRUCTURE

Sentence number # of words Structure

1. 13 simple

2. 9 simple

3. 5 simple

4. 15 complex

5. 10 simple

6. 14 simple7. 27 compound

8. 14 simple


28/37


ANALYSIS FOR VARIETY OF SENTENCE

LENGTH AND STRUCTURE

Sentence number # of words Structure

9. 11 simple

10. 25 compound

11. 12 simple

12. 12 complex

13. 16 simple

14. 13 complex15. 14 complex

16. 7 simple

17. 11 simple


29/37


REVISED FOR VARIETY

After the Jewish funeral, the family of the deceased goes

into a seven-day period of mourning, known as Shiva.

During Shiva, a candle is lit in memory of the departed;

friends and neighbors supply the family with eggs, atraditional symbol of mourning. As family members are

expected to think only of the deceased, their mirrors are

covered so they cannot look at themselves. Nor are they

expected to do anything for themselves: meals are made

and served and other household tasks performed by

friends and relatives, whose role it is to aid and comfort the

mourners.


30/37


REVISED FOR VARIETY (cont)

During Shiva the mourners do not leave the house. Twice a

day, they repeat the Kaddish or mourners prayer. If the

deceased was a close relative, the entire period of

mourning lasts thirty days; if a parent, one year. At the end

of that year the family attends an unveiling service where

the gravestone, covered for the year, is uncovered.

Friends and relatives say a prayer at the gravesite. In

subsequent years at Yahrzeit, the anniversary of the death,

the family lights a memorial candle.


31/37


VINCENT VAN GOGHS FIRST STEPS


32/37


FIRST STEPS: WRITING AS PROCESS

EXERCISE

Van Gogh (1853 -

1890), whose lurid

colors and bold brush

strokes often bring tomind a rush of

adrenalin, tries here

to capture that

excitement.

Prepare to use the

four process steps to

write about the

painting: Planning and

Shaping

Drafting

Revising

Editing


33/37


Look at the wholepicture.

What visual

parallels do yousee?

What contrasts?

What happened

right before thismoment?

Right after?

Of all the milestones in achilds development, nothing- except possibly the firstsmile or the first words -

causes as much excitementas the first steps.

How do you convey that levelof excitement in words,without using capitalization,

underlining or exclamationmarks?

How much can you capturewith sentence structurealone?

PLANNING AND SHAPING


34/37


DRAFTING

Draft a paragraph that leads up to the

climactic moment of this childs first steps.

Establish the setting, then focus on theadults, then the child, then the actual first

step.

Try to capture the parents excitement.


35/37


36/37


EDITING

Reread your paragraph, checking for

correctness of sentence structure,

grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

Make any necessary changes.


37/37


DISCUSSION

Compare the two paragraphs you have

written.

Which one does a better job of capturing

the excitement of the moment?

Why?

Documents

Writing Effectively - English Speaking Course Lucknow -