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Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life
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I can help you save money now.P e o p le w h o s w itc h e d to A lls ta te s a v e d m o n e y a n d g o t m o rep ro te c tio n . Do lla r fo r d o lla r, n o b o d y p ro te c ts y o u lik e A lls ta te .S o d o n ’t wa it! Ca ll me to d a y.
MARK S GOODSON(334) 347 3333804 B OL L W E E V IL CIRE N TE R PR IS Ea 049146@ a lls ta te .c o m
Coverage and savings based on policy features selected and are subject to terms,conditions and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance Company:Northbrook, IL. © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company
24 Hour TelephoneBanking 334-588-2212
“Serving this fine community since 1905”
334-588-2211334-588-2211101 South Third Street
Hartford, Al
First National Bank Of HartfordFirst National Bank Of HartfordOnline Banking
www.fnbhartford.com
ISSUE 3 AUGUST 2011
PAGE 2 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
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"If you can't change your mind,are you sure you still have one?"
Appreciate your lifeAppreciate all that you have, no matter
how small. For there will always besomeone who dreams of what you
have.
Coupon HeavenWhile handing a 25 cent-off coupon to thesupermarket clerk at the checkout countera woman inadvertently missed her hand,and the coupon slipped beneath the scaleand was gone.
The checker looked distressed so thewoman said, "That's OK, it's in couponheaven now."
“Coupon heaven?" the checker said.
"Yes," the woman said, "That's wherecoupons go when they die."
"Only the redeemed ones!" said thechecker.
"The main problem with mentalnotes is the ink fades so fast."
Drive-Thru Confessional
The elderly priest, speaking to the youngerpriest, said, "It was a good idea to replace thefirst four pews with plush bucket theater seats.It worked like a charm. The front of the churchalways fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priestcontinued, "And you told me adding a little morebeat to the music would bring young people backto church, so I supported you when you broughtin that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our servicesare consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest."I am pleased that you are open to the new ideasof youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good,"said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you'vegone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "myconfessions and the donations have nearlydoubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and Iappreciate that.But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Goto Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.
Optometrist's Sign
"If you don't see what yourlooking for you've come to the
right place."
"Be careful about readinghealth books. You may die of
a misprint." ~ Mark Twain
Laughs and Lifts suggest getting your healthbooks from Health Concepts..
See their ad on page 11
PAGE 4 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
Cabinets Designed For LivingImagine our beautiful and functional custom designed
cabinets in your home.You’ll love the style and affordability.
FREEIn Home Estimates
Southern Installations Cabinet Shop
Dan BarefieldCell 334-726-3459 Office 334-774-9579
A Thought For Parents!We as parents should pay close attention to how we
raise our children, as they are a reflection ofourselves!
"Clumsy Ad Copy"
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady withthick legs and large drawers.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced andget an extra pair to take home, too.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef$2.25; Children $2.00.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Tryus once; you'll never go anywhere again.
"Husband Chair Feedback"
A young man was sitting next to me in one of thetwo "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wifecame out of the change room again.He looked at her and immediately said: "That looksgood on you. Get that one.""Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearingwhen we came in."
AT THE ALTAR
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher'swife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obeyand she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and thegroom said, 'I do,' and then things really began tohappen fast."
Watch Your Step
A man had strapped his 18 month old son into abackpack and was rushing to catch the bus.Apparently he misstepped and fell down an entireflight of stairs (13 to be exact). He was bruised andbleeding and had torn his jeans ... but his mainconcern was, naturally, for his child.His fears were alleviated, though, when frombehind, he heard a gleeful giggle followed by,"Again!"
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
Low prices. Everyday. On everything
School Essentials…At A + prices!
WalmartSave money, Live Better.
I am Third(Author Unknown)
There was a boy who was very popular amongothers his age. He was an excellent leader in hisschool groups.
One of his friends visited him and saw a home-made plaque in his room with the words, "I AmThird" on it.
His friend asked him what it meant and hereplied, "It is the motto I try to use in my life. Itmeans "God is first, others are second, and I amThird.'"
The driving force in our lives should be trying toplease God.
Secondly, we should take into consideration theneeds and pleasures of others.
With our own pleasures subordinated, we willtruly be the humble servants of God.
Marriage Alphabet
After being married for fifty years, a wife asked herhusband to describe her.He studied her and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E,F, G, H, I, J, K."She asked, "What does that mean?"He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful,Elegant, Foxy,Gorgeous, Hot."She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely.What about I, J, K?"He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"His eye is still swollen, but it will get better.
"If you're ever attacked by acircus, go for the juggler."
"The short memories of theAmerican voters is what keepsour politicians in office." ~Will
Rogers
PAGE 6 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
Gitty Up-N-Go#2 #311641 US HWY. 84 507 Stanley Ave.River Falls, AL Andalusia, AL334-222-9669 334-222-4076
#4 #51078 Third St. 500 West BypassFlorala, AL Andalusia, AL334-858-5095 334-222-6473
#6 #743641 AL Hwy 55 23639 AL Hwy 55McKenzie, AL Andalusia, AL334-743-1022 334-222-1848
Plants & FlowersGardening
Tools & Products
Mon-WedThur-Fri 10-6Saturday 9 -5
DALEVILLE
GARDENCENTER693 Hwy. 134 E.
Daleville, Al.709-4079
Fish Bait &Tackle
A college studentchallenged a senior citizen,saying it was impossible fortheir generation to understandhis. “You grew up in adifferent world,” the studentsaid. “Today we havetelevision, jet planes, spacetravel, nuclear energy,computers…”
Taking advantage of a pausein the student’s litany, thegeezer said, “You’re right. Wedidn’t have those things whenwe were young; so weinvented them! What are youdoing for the nextgeneration??”
Curious Chimp
Passing by the primate area oneday, a zoo attendant happens tonotice a chimpanzee sitting on arock with an open book in eitherhand, looking first at one andthen at the other. Upon closerexamination, he identifies thebooks: the Bible and Darwin'sOrigin of Species.Curious, he asks the chimp,"What's with the books?"The chimp replies, "I'm trying todecide whether I'm my brother'skeeper or my keeper's brother."
Music In My Hat
While walking to the ninth hole,one psychiatrist said to hiscolleague, would you believe thatyesterday I had a patient whoclaimed he heard music everytime he put on his hat?”“Really? What did you do?”The psychiatrist answered, “Itook it away and removed theband.”
"There are no new sins;the old ones are just
getting more publicity"
I’m Warning You!Finding one of her studentsmaking faces at others on theplayground, Ms. Smith stopped togently reprove the child. Smilingsweetly, the Sunday Schoolteacher said, "Bobby, when I wasa child, I was told if that I madeugly faces, it would freeze and Iwould stay like that." Bobbylooked up and replied, "Well, MsSmith, you can't say you weren'twarned."
“Find The Pencils”We have hidden FIVE Pencils like the ones picture here
in ads throughout this edition of LaughsLaughs&&Lifts.Lifts.For a chance to Win Up To $100 in Prizes
Find all 5 Pencils& FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
Submit the name of the 5 business’ where youfound the 5 Pencils ,
along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, to:Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361
Or email same to [email protected] the subject line “Find The Pencils Contest”.NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on August 20thThe winner will be notified by phone or email.
3 miles from downtown Enterprise231 County Road 540
Call For An Appointment & Directionswww.twobytwofarms.comwww.twobytwofarms.com
Walk-Thru Indoor ExhibitWalk-Thru Indoor ExhibitLive, Learn,
and LoveA Farm Animal
One fine evening in Aberdeen…
Red Adair walked into an Aberdonianpub after two weeks spent puttingout a fire in a North Sea oil well. Heordered a pint of heavy andfound a table. The man sitting nextto him immediately noticed that thisrugged-looking elderly fellow wasindeed an American and said: "I'vebeen to the States myself, you know.I went there last year.""Oh really..." our oil rig hero said ina rather tired voice."Aye, I spent a month in California.One night I went to a concert with afamous country singer called BennyRogers, and...""Surely you must mean KENNYRogers," Red said, looking at theceiling."Aye, that's right. Anyway, he sang aduet with a bonnie lasscalled Polly Darton.""It's DOLLY PARTON, not PollyDarton." Red was not in thefriendliest of moods now.The Scot realized that he wasmaking a fool of himself and tried achange of topic:"Haven't I seen you on TV? You'requite famous, aren't you?"This made old Red cheer up:"Indeed you have. I'm Red Adair!"he said with a grin."Red Adair?! The REAL Red Adair?So, are you still married to GingerRogers?"
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PAGE 8 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
FAMILY MEDICAL CLINICAn Affiliate of Dale Medical Center
1519 Andrews Ave. Ozark, Alabama
OFFICE HOURSMon. - Fri. 7:30 am - 6 pm
Saturday - 8 am -5 pmSunday 1 - 5 pm
ACCEPTING AND WELCOMINGNEW PATIENTS
YOUR HEALTHCARE NEEDSPROVIDED BY
Rifat Parwaiz, M.D.
Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Anyresemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purelycoincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories,
helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and picturesare published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to causedisillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination orother named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do notnecessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher.
Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603 [email protected]
"Two silk wormshad a race. They
ended up in a tie. "
"Living History Museum"
Marv took his family to visit aliving history museum, whichincluded seeing houses andstores that were more than onehundred years old.After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse Marv pointedto a desk that had an empty holefor an ink bottle."What do you think this hole wasfor?" he asked his kids.His twelve-year-old son Martinreplied, "It's a Coke can holder."
Rain Rain Rain
A newcomer to Portland (orSeattle) arrives on a rainy day.She gets up the next day andit's raining. It also rains the dayafter that, and the day afterthat.She goes out to lunch and seesa young kid and, out ofdespair, asks, "Hey, kid, does itever stop raining around here?"The kid says, "How should Iknow? I'm only 6."
The problems we facetoday are there
becausethe people who work
for a living areoutnumbered
by those who vote fora living.
Agil is like no other hearing device. It's designed to improve your ability tohear and understand with reduced cognitive effort, even in difficult listeningsituations. There's no need to avoid crowded restaurants, conference rooms
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Finally…a hearingsolution
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Come in for aFREE hearing test
FREE DemonstrationFREE Hearing Evaluation
"Sons-in-Law andDaughters-In-Law"
Congratulating a friend after herson and daughter got marriedwithin a month of each other, awoman asked, "What kind ofboy did your daughter marry?""Oh, he's wonderful," gushedthe mother. "He lets her sleeplate, wants her to go to thebeauty parlor regularly, andinsists on taking her out todinner every night.""That's sounds lovely," said thewoman. "What about your son?""I'm not so happy about that,"the mother sighed. "His wifesleeps late, spends all her timein the beauty parlor, and makesthem eat take-out meals!"
"Morning People"
I was sound asleep when thetelephone jarred me awake."Hi!" exclaimed my peppymother-in-law. She proceededto rattle on about the busy dayshe had ahead and all the thingsthat awaited her the rest of theweek."Mom," I interrupted. "It's fivein the morning.""Really? What are you doing upso early?"
"It is the dailygrind that gives aperson polish."
EXPERIENCED ADVERTISING SALESPERSONNEEDED IMMEDIATELY!
Laughs&Lifts is a Family Magazine with Christian BasedContent, Clean Jokes, Recipes, Cartoons and Puzzles.
Everyone Loves Laughs&Lifts!If this sounds like the job you have been looking for,
send your up-to-date resume toLaughsandLifts @live.com
Coffeehouse ~ Arts Center
PAGE 10 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
The HartfordThe HartfordRetirementRetirement
VillageVillage"Independent Living In A Caring Enviroment"
Licensed by Alabama Dept.Of Public Health
Services & Features~Daily Chapel
~3 Delicious Home-cooked A non-profit
meals per day with snacks Organization~24 hour well trained staff
~In house beauty& barber shops~Daily activities& social events
Owned by thecommunity
12196 E. Hwy. 52 Hartford, Alabama334-588-2306334-588-2306
DO YOU HAVE A DISABILITY?ARE YOU DISABLED?
Have you considered applying for Your Social Security?Are you confused about the process or have you already
Been Denied YOUR Benefits?WE CAN HELP!
Faithworkz’ Disability ConsultantFaithworkz’ Disability Consultant
Representing Clients in Disability ClaimsFOR MORE THAN 30 YEARS!!
406 Ben St, Suite 100(Near the Ft. Rucker Gate)
Ozark, Alabama 36360Call Or E-Mail Us For A
Gardening Tips From SharonAh summer, beautiful summer.I just got back from a visit with family in Indianaand although a neighbor faithfully water myplants and garden you could tell it needs someTLC because of my absence. I pulled weeds andpulled out the dead plants. I combined somesurvivors from other pots and filled in my spacesand it sure does look better. In just a week mytomato plant took over the peppers andMarigolds while the cucumbers latched onto thetomato stem. But all in all things are going welland I expect a good crop of vegetables soon.
Now is the time to look at your gardensand evaluate your success, think about yoursuccess and what worked for you. Make a noteof the not so success and revise your strategy.Don’t make a mental note ====go get anotebook and jot down your thoughts becauseby spring your mental note will be stuffed in theback corner of your mind. Get up early onemorning and purge your garden of the weeds,dead leaves and blooms. Pull out the casualtiesand plan what to put there to fill that spot forfall.As you sit in the cool indoor air sipping a coldone contemplating your next planting, don’tforget the animals. Be sure your outdoors petshave plenty of fresh cool water to drink. Fix upa spot for your feathered friends too. Be sure itis not too deep or put a rock in the center of thewater bowl so they have a place to stand. In fact,why not plan to have more of the wild things inyour back yard next year. If you plan well youcan attract songbirds and even butterflies to yourback yard. They are a joy to hear and a joy towatch.Happy Planning,
Sharon
Learn The Natural Way To HealthLearn The Natural Way To HealthKangen Alkaline WaterKangen Alkaline Water
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BOB HOPEON TURNING 70'You still chase women,but only downhill.'ON TURNING 80'That's the time of yourlife when even yourbirthday suit needspressing.'ON TURNING 90'You know you're getting
old when the candles cost more than the cake.'ON TURNING 100'I don't feel old. In fact , I don't feel anythinguntil noon. Then it's time for my nap.'ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING'I ruined my hands in the ring. The refereekept stepping on them.'ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it'scalled at my home, 'Passover'.ON GOLF'Golf is my profession. Show business is justto pay the green fees.'ON PRESIDENTS'I have performed for 12 presidents andentertained only six.'ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER'When I was born, the doctor said to mymother, Congratulations, you have an eightpound ham.ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONALGOLD MEDAL'I feel very humble, but I think I have thestrength of character to fight it.'ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it gotcold, mother threw on another brother.'ON HIS SIX BROTHERS'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for thebathroom.'ON HIS EARLY FAILURES'I would not have had anything to eat if itwasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'ON GOING TO HEAVEN'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hateto blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
GATEWAY REALTYGATEWAY REALTYOF OZARK, INC.See This & All Our Listings OnlineAt SellingOzark.com
LOCATION • LOCATIONThis Home Is Maintenance
Free And Ready For Its NewOwner. Walking Distance To
The The Sam Dale Lake.Parks, Schools, And
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Satellite dish installed.
334-774-4961 ~ 800-334-7403334-774-4961 ~ 800-334-7403RESIDENTIAL ~ COMMERCIALLOTS/LAND ~ MULTI-FAMILY
$141,000
PAGE 12 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
MILLS PRODUCEHighway 52 West ~ Malvern, AL 36349
OwnersMICHAEL & DAISY MILLS
COUNTY LINE METAL SALVAGECOUNTY LINE METAL SALVAGEWE BUY SCRAP METAL & JUNK CARSWE BUY SCRAP METAL & JUNK CARS
We Sell Auto PartsWe Sell Auto Parts
5825 W. CR 36 Ozark, Al.5825 W. CR 36 Ozark, Al.
334-445-9614334-445-9614See Map On Back For DirectionsSee Map On Back For Directions
County Line Automotive, LLC DBA as
WE PAY TOP PRICESWE PAY TOP PRICES
24 HOUR ROAD SERVICE24 HOUR ROAD SERVICE62 Creel Richardson Dr.P.O. Box 391Ariton, Al 363 1 1
ASHLEY PELHAMS. Linc: 1*2*1 1372Cell: 334-697-0302Office: 334-762-27 15
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334-774-5300 Clinic334-774-5305 Fax334-432-3241 Cell
334-774-5219 Homewww.counselingplus.net
258 S. Painter Ave. Ozark, Al. 36360Call For Your Appointment Today!
John D. Rook, MS, LPC, NCCCEO and Primary Therapist
Diet MagicTM
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Richard Logan Mathews
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DALEVILLEGARDEN CENTER693 Highway 134 EastDaleville, Al. 36322Sharon Canaday
Plants &Garden SuppliesFresh Vegetables & Fresh Eggs Fish Bait & Tackle
709-4079
Tory Wenger334-774-8436
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THE PLUNDER PALACEBuy, Sell & Trade ~ New & Used
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334-774-35259 AM - 5 PM Mon ~ Sat
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PAGE 14 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
Aunt T’sAunt T’sKitchenKitchen
Summer Spaghetti Salad
Ingredients· 1 package (16 ounces) thin spaghetti,
halved· 3 medium tomatoes, diced· 3 small zucchini, diced· 1 large cucumber, halved, seeded and
diced· 1 medium green pepper, diced· 1 medium sweet red pepper, diced· 1 bottle (8 ounces) Italian salad dressing· 2 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese· 1-1/2 teaspoons sesame seeds· 1-1/2 teaspoons poppy seeds· 1/2 teaspoon paprika· 1/4 teaspoon celery seed· 1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
Directions· Cook spaghetti according to package
directions; drain and rinse in cold water.Place in a large bowl; add tomatoes,zucchini, cucumber and peppers.
· Combine remaining ingredients; pourover salad and toss to coat. Cover andrefrigerate for at least 2 hours. Yield: 16servings.
Chili Corn Bread Salad
Ingredients· 1 package (8-1/2 ounces) corn bread/muffin mix· 1 can (4 ounces) chopped green chilies, undrained· 1 cup chopped green peppers
Crowd Pleasing Salads· 1 cup chopped green onions· 1/8 teaspoon ground cumin· 1/8 teaspoon dried oregano· Pinch rubbed sage· 1 cup mayonnaise· 1 cup (8 ounces) sour cream· 1 envelope ranch salad dressing mix· 2 cans (15 ounces each) pinto beans,
rinsed and drained· 2 cans (15-1/4 ounces each) whole
kernel corn, drained· 3 medium tomatoes, chopped 1 cup
chopped green onions· 10 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled· 2 cups (8 ounces) shredded cheddar
cheeseDirections
· Prepare corn bread batter according topackage directions. Stir in chilies, cumin,oregano and sage. Spread in a greased 8-in.square baking pan. Bake at 400° for 20-25minutes or until a toothpick inserted nearthe center comes out clean. Cool.
In a small bowl, combine mayonnaise, sour creamand dressing mix; set aside. Crumble half of thecorn bread into a 13-in. x 9-in. dish. Layer with halfof the beans, mayonnaise mixture, corn, tomatoes,green pepper, onions, bacon and cheese. Repeatlayers (dish will be very full). Cover and refrigeratefor 2 hours. Yield: 12 servings.
Cashew Pea Salad
Ingredients· 3/4 cup vegetable oil· 1/4 cup cider or red wine vinegar· 1 garlic clove, minced· 2 to 3 teaspoons Dijon mustard· 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce· 1/2 to 3/4 teaspoon salt· 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice· 1/4 teaspoon pepper· 1/4 teaspoon sugar· 2 (10 ounce packages) frozen peas,
thawed· 4 celery ribs, thinly sliced· 1 cup sour cream· 8 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled
For Reunions, Picnics,BBQ’s & Church Suppers
· 1 1/2 cup chopped cashews· Lettuce leaves and tomato wedges,
optional ( Garnish)Directions
· For dressing, combine the first nineingredients in a small bowl; mix well. Coverand refrigerate for 1 hour.
In a large bowl, combine peas, celeryand onions. Combine sour cream and 4tablespoons dressing (refrigerate remainingdressing); mix well. Fold into the peamixture. Just before serving, stir in baconand cashews. Yield: 12 -16 servings. Note:Remaining dressing may be served on atossed salad.
Festive Potato Salad
Ingredients· 8 medium red
potatoes, cooked and cubed
· 2 celery ribs with leaves, thinly sliced
· 2 green onions with tops, chopped
Holy CowHoly CowBakery & Coffee ShopBakery & Coffee Shop
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· 4 hard-cooked eggs, chopped· 1/2 cup chopped peeled cucumber· 1/4 cup chopped sweet red pepper· 1/4 cup chopped green pepper· 1-1/4 cups mayonnaise· 1/4 cup sour cream· 1/4 cup plain yogurt· 1 tablespoon each minced fresh basil,
marjoram and dill or 1 teaspoon each dried basil, marjoram and dill weed
· 1 teaspoon sugar· 1/2 teaspoon salt· 1/2 teaspoon pepper· 4 plum tomatoes, coarsely chopped· 1 cup frozen peas, thawed
1 cup (4 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese
Directions· In a large bowl, combine the first seven
ingredients. In another bowl, combine themayonnaise, sour cream, yogurt andseasonings. Pour over potato mixture; tossto coat. Gently stir in tomatoes, peas andcheese. Cover and refrigerate until serving.Yield: 14 servings.
Aunt T’sAunt T’sKitchenKitchen
PAGE 16 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
5579 Andrews AvenueOzark, Al 36360
334-375-7900334-375-7923 Fax
“We believe that business goes where it’s invited,and stays where it’s well treated.”
BUY HERE- PAY HERE LOW DOWN PAYMENTS NO CREDIT CHECKS
Junction City Auto, Inc.Member of OIBA
Buster Beeler Ed Adcock Kel Slagle
PIZZA & SUBS
PIZZA & SALADLUNCH BUFFET $6.99
THURSDAY NIGHT AYCE $6.99Spaghetti & Garlic Bread +1 Trip to Salad Bar, Tea Included
ALL YOU CAN EAT!ALL YOU CAN EAT!
BEST HOT WINGS &OVEN BAKED SUBS 222-7891 / 222-5350IN ANDALUSIA
MON - THURS 11 AM - 9 PMFRI - SAT 11 AM - 10 PM
LOCATED IN COVINGTON MALLLOCATED IN COVINGTON MALL
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newnewat Madi’sat Madi’s
Mon - Fri 10 - 6& Sat 10 - 3
110-A Hillcrest Dr.Andalusia, Al.
JT’S CLOSETJT’S CLOSETPre-Loved
Maternity & Childrens Clothing
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Great Is Thy Faithfulness(Author Unknown)
"The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for Hiscompassions never fail. They are new every morning; greatis Your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23 NASBThomas Chisholm faced no crises. There were noemergencies or serious illnesses in his family. He had beena successful pastor, salesman, and writer, with little dramain his life.Yet Chisholm didn't take his blessings for granted. When helooked back, he realized just how much God had blessedhim. Reflecting on the verses from Lamentations, herecognized that the Lord had been faithful.In 1923, when he was 55, Chisholm wrote a hymn called"Great Is Thy Faithfulness." Through his words, he sharedthe truths he had experienced about God. Chisholm knewthat God never changes, and He's the same in everyseason and every kind of weather. Along with all ofcreation, Chisholm had been a witness to God's greatfaithfulness.He had seen how God was faithful to forgive the sins ofeven the most vile of sinners. He recognized that the Lordcould fill troubled hearts with peace. In every situation, Hewas by our side, ready to encourage and direct our steps.He was able to meet every need - physical or financial,emotional or spiritual.What is your story? As you look back at your life, can youremember times when it seemed like you were all alone?When you came to a crossroads and didn't know what todo? When you didn't know where to turn? When the futurelooked bleak and uncertain? When someone you knewfaced a crisis?What happened in those situations? Could you recognizethe hand of God? Could you realize He was with you, evenwhen you felt all alone?Today, think about the faithfulness of God. Start thankingHim. Praise Him that His mercies are "new every morning."And remember that just as He has been faithful in the past,He will be faithful today and in the days to come. Great isHis faithfulness!Meditate on the words to "Great is Thy Faithfulness":
"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,There is no shadow of turning with Thee;Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail notAs Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"Morning by morning new mercies I see;All I have needed Thy hand hath provided -"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,Join with all nature in manifold witnessTo Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
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ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL?
This quiz consists of four questionsthat tell you whether or not you arequalified to be a professional.SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.There is no need to cheat. Thequestions are not that difficult. Youjust need to think like aprofessional.1. How do you put a giraffe into arefrigerator?* The correct answer is: Open therefrigerator, put in the giraffe andclose the door. This question testswhether or not you are doingsimple things in a complicated way.2. How do you put an elephant intoa refrigerator?* Incorrect answer: Open therefrigerator, put in the elephant,and close the door.Correct answer: Open therefrigerator, take out the giraffe,put in the elephant and close thedoor. This question tests yourforesight.3. The Lion King is hosting ananimal conference. All the animalsattend except one. Which animaldoes not attend?* Correct answer: The elephant.The elephant is in the refrigerator!This tests if you are capable ofcomprehensive thinking.OK, if you did not answer the lastthree questions correctly, this onemay be your last chance to testyour qualifications to be aprofessional.4. There is a river that is known tohave many crocodiles in it. How doyou cross it?* Correct Answer: Simply swimthrough it. All the crocodiles areattending the animal meeting! Thisquestion tests your reasoningability.So... If you answered four out offour questions correctly, you are atrue professional. Wealth andsuccess await you.If you answered three out of four,you have some catching up to dobut there's hope for you.If you answered two out of four,consider a career as a hamburgerflipper in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of four, tryselling some of your organs. It's the onlyway you will ever make any money.
PAGE 18 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
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Many, if not most, of us have probablybeen in physical need at some time. All ofus will remain in a spiritual need as longas we are in these bodies made of flesh.Be encouraged today regardless how darkit may seem down the road of life.This just may be a time in your life whereyou may have too: “Do more with less.”In times like these will we draw closer toour Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This mayalso be a time for some to re-evaluate,make a new assessment concerning abudget. Make a list of your real needs, andmake a list of your wants, now prioritizedyour lists, base your decision on availableresources. “Income must always begreater than out-going funds.”Proverbs 23:5 says, "Riches certainly makethemselves wings." In fact, nothing in thisworld provides certainty except for ourLord Jesus Christ. He will certainly be withus. He will certainly hear us (Psalm 66:19).If you're pinched and pressured right now,you're in good company. These areuncertain times. But we have a sure andcertain hope. We walk by faith; and faithis "being sure of what we hope for andcertain of what we do not see" (Hebrews11:1, NIV, 1984). You can certainly trustHim with your hopes, your dreams--yourvery life.Hebrews 13:5-6 "Let your conduct bewithout covetousness, and becontent with such things that youhave, for he has said, 'I will neverleave you, nor forsake you,' so thatwe may boldly say, 'The Lord is myhelper, and I will not fear what manshall do to me.'"
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23. Balls24. Legislate25. A mile a minute26. English exam finale,often28. Kind of ticket29. Cat's cry30. Disparaging remarks35. Convent superiors36. Fly high39. Voluptuous41. Fairy tale figure42. Fleet's commander45. Roll about in mud46. "Enchanted April"setting48. Barely get, with "out"50. Crude dude51. Hideous52. Preferred above others53. "Good going!"54. Patrilineal clan55. ___ Victor (acronym)56. Former measure of U.S.economy (acronym)57. Undertake, with "out"
"In a Perfect World"
A person would feel asgood at 50 as he did at 17and he would actually be
as smart at 50 as hethought he was at 17.
You could give away ababy bed without getting
pregnant.
Doing what was good foryou would be what youenjoyed doing the most.
Pro baseball players wouldcomplain about teachers
being paid contracts worthmillions of dollars.
The mail would always beearly, the check would
always be in the mail, andit would be written for
more than you expected.
The better food tasted, theless calories it would have.
Warranties would be for 13months and products
would fail at 12.
$Money$ Is ALousy Way Of
Keeping Score!
PAGE 20 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
BBQuing - It's the only type of cooking a
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(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables,and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking,places it on a tray along with the necessarycooking utensils, and takes it to the man, whois lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the tableand check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man thatthe meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill andhands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and bringsthem to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the tableand does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how sheenjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction,concludes that there's just no pleasing somewomen.
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FAITH"Faith is not about everythingturning out OK; Faith is about
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"Soul Winning Efforts"
A very zealous soul-winning youngpreacher recently came upon afarmer working in his field. Beingconcerned about the farmer's soul,the preacher asked the man, "Areyou laboring in the vineyard of theLord, my good man?"Not even looking at the preacherand continuing his work, the farmerreplied, "Naw, these are soybeans.""You don't understand," said thepreacher. "Are you a Christian?"With the same amount of interest ashis previous answer, the farmersaid, "Nope my name is Jones. Youmust be lookin' for Jim Christian. Helives a mile south of here."The young, determined preachertried again, asking the farmer, "Areyou lost?""Naw! I've lived here all my life,"answered the farmer."Are you prepared for theresurrection?" the frustratedpreacher asked.This caught the farmer's attentionand he asked, "When's it gonna be?"Thinking he had accomplishedsomething, the young preacherreplied, "It could be today,tomorrow or the next day."Taking a handkerchief from his backpocket and wiping his brow, thefarmer remarked, "Well, don'tmention it to my wife. She don't getout much, and she'll wanna go allthree days."
PAGE 22 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011
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PAGE 24 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011ISSUE 3 AUGUST 2011
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