Laughs&Lifts August 2011

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ISSUE 3 AUGUST 2011

PAGE 2 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011

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"If you can't change your mind,are you sure you still have one?"

Appreciate your lifeAppreciate all that you have, no matter

how small. For there will always besomeone who dreams of what you

have.

Coupon HeavenWhile handing a 25 cent-off coupon to thesupermarket clerk at the checkout countera woman inadvertently missed her hand,and the coupon slipped beneath the scaleand was gone.

The checker looked distressed so thewoman said, "That's OK, it's in couponheaven now."

“Coupon heaven?" the checker said.

"Yes," the woman said, "That's wherecoupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones!" said thechecker.

"The main problem with mentalnotes is the ink fades so fast."

Drive-Thru Confessional

The elderly priest, speaking to the youngerpriest, said, "It was a good idea to replace thefirst four pews with plush bucket theater seats.It worked like a charm. The front of the churchalways fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priestcontinued, "And you told me adding a little morebeat to the music would bring young people backto church, so I supported you when you broughtin that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our servicesare consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest."I am pleased that you are open to the new ideasof youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good,"said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you'vegone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "myconfessions and the donations have nearlydoubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and Iappreciate that.But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Goto Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.

Optometrist's Sign

"If you don't see what yourlooking for you've come to the

right place."

"Be careful about readinghealth books. You may die of

a misprint." ~ Mark Twain

Laughs and Lifts suggest getting your healthbooks from Health Concepts..

See their ad on page 11


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A Thought For Parents!We as parents should pay close attention to how we

raise our children, as they are a reflection ofourselves!

"Clumsy Ad Copy"

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady withthick legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced andget an extra pair to take home, too.

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- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef$2.25; Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Tryus once; you'll never go anywhere again.

"Husband Chair Feedback"

A young man was sitting next to me in one of thetwo "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wifecame out of the change room again.He looked at her and immediately said: "That looksgood on you. Get that one.""Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearingwhen we came in."

AT THE ALTAR

"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher'swife.

"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obeyand she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and thegroom said, 'I do,' and then things really began tohappen fast."

Watch Your Step

A man had strapped his 18 month old son into abackpack and was rushing to catch the bus.Apparently he misstepped and fell down an entireflight of stairs (13 to be exact). He was bruised andbleeding and had torn his jeans ... but his mainconcern was, naturally, for his child.His fears were alleviated, though, when frombehind, he heard a gleeful giggle followed by,"Again!"

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I am Third(Author Unknown)

There was a boy who was very popular amongothers his age. He was an excellent leader in hisschool groups.

One of his friends visited him and saw a home-made plaque in his room with the words, "I AmThird" on it.

His friend asked him what it meant and hereplied, "It is the motto I try to use in my life. Itmeans "God is first, others are second, and I amThird.'"

The driving force in our lives should be trying toplease God.

Secondly, we should take into consideration theneeds and pleasures of others.

With our own pleasures subordinated, we willtruly be the humble servants of God.

Marriage Alphabet

After being married for fifty years, a wife asked herhusband to describe her.He studied her and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E,F, G, H, I, J, K."She asked, "What does that mean?"He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful,Elegant, Foxy,Gorgeous, Hot."She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely.What about I, J, K?"He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"His eye is still swollen, but it will get better.

"If you're ever attacked by acircus, go for the juggler."

"The short memories of theAmerican voters is what keepsour politicians in office." ~Will

Rogers


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A college studentchallenged a senior citizen,saying it was impossible fortheir generation to understandhis. “You grew up in adifferent world,” the studentsaid. “Today we havetelevision, jet planes, spacetravel, nuclear energy,computers…”

Taking advantage of a pausein the student’s litany, thegeezer said, “You’re right. Wedidn’t have those things whenwe were young; so weinvented them! What are youdoing for the nextgeneration??”

Curious Chimp

Passing by the primate area oneday, a zoo attendant happens tonotice a chimpanzee sitting on arock with an open book in eitherhand, looking first at one andthen at the other. Upon closerexamination, he identifies thebooks: the Bible and Darwin'sOrigin of Species.Curious, he asks the chimp,"What's with the books?"The chimp replies, "I'm trying todecide whether I'm my brother'skeeper or my keeper's brother."

Music In My Hat

While walking to the ninth hole,one psychiatrist said to hiscolleague, would you believe thatyesterday I had a patient whoclaimed he heard music everytime he put on his hat?”“Really? What did you do?”The psychiatrist answered, “Itook it away and removed theband.”

"There are no new sins;the old ones are just

getting more publicity"

I’m Warning You!Finding one of her studentsmaking faces at others on theplayground, Ms. Smith stopped togently reprove the child. Smilingsweetly, the Sunday Schoolteacher said, "Bobby, when I wasa child, I was told if that I madeugly faces, it would freeze and Iwould stay like that." Bobbylooked up and replied, "Well, MsSmith, you can't say you weren'twarned."

“Find The Pencils”We have hidden FIVE Pencils like the ones picture here

in ads throughout this edition of LaughsLaughs&&Lifts.Lifts.For a chance to Win Up To $100 in Prizes

Find all 5 Pencils& FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS.

Submit the name of the 5 business’ where youfound the 5 Pencils ,

along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, to:Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361

Or email same to [email protected] the subject line “Find The Pencils Contest”.NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on August 20thThe winner will be notified by phone or email.

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One fine evening in Aberdeen…

Red Adair walked into an Aberdonianpub after two weeks spent puttingout a fire in a North Sea oil well. Heordered a pint of heavy andfound a table. The man sitting nextto him immediately noticed that thisrugged-looking elderly fellow wasindeed an American and said: "I'vebeen to the States myself, you know.I went there last year.""Oh really..." our oil rig hero said ina rather tired voice."Aye, I spent a month in California.One night I went to a concert with afamous country singer called BennyRogers, and...""Surely you must mean KENNYRogers," Red said, looking at theceiling."Aye, that's right. Anyway, he sang aduet with a bonnie lasscalled Polly Darton.""It's DOLLY PARTON, not PollyDarton." Red was not in thefriendliest of moods now.The Scot realized that he wasmaking a fool of himself and tried achange of topic:"Haven't I seen you on TV? You'requite famous, aren't you?"This made old Red cheer up:"Indeed you have. I'm Red Adair!"he said with a grin."Red Adair?! The REAL Red Adair?So, are you still married to GingerRogers?"

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Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Anyresemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purelycoincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories,

helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and picturesare published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to causedisillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination orother named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do notnecessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher.

Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603 [email protected]

"Two silk wormshad a race. They

ended up in a tie. "

"Living History Museum"

Marv took his family to visit aliving history museum, whichincluded seeing houses andstores that were more than onehundred years old.After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse Marv pointedto a desk that had an empty holefor an ink bottle."What do you think this hole wasfor?" he asked his kids.His twelve-year-old son Martinreplied, "It's a Coke can holder."

Rain Rain Rain

A newcomer to Portland (orSeattle) arrives on a rainy day.She gets up the next day andit's raining. It also rains the dayafter that, and the day afterthat.She goes out to lunch and seesa young kid and, out ofdespair, asks, "Hey, kid, does itever stop raining around here?"The kid says, "How should Iknow? I'm only 6."

The problems we facetoday are there

becausethe people who work

for a living areoutnumbered

by those who vote fora living.

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"Sons-in-Law andDaughters-In-Law"

Congratulating a friend after herson and daughter got marriedwithin a month of each other, awoman asked, "What kind ofboy did your daughter marry?""Oh, he's wonderful," gushedthe mother. "He lets her sleeplate, wants her to go to thebeauty parlor regularly, andinsists on taking her out todinner every night.""That's sounds lovely," said thewoman. "What about your son?""I'm not so happy about that,"the mother sighed. "His wifesleeps late, spends all her timein the beauty parlor, and makesthem eat take-out meals!"

"Morning People"

I was sound asleep when thetelephone jarred me awake."Hi!" exclaimed my peppymother-in-law. She proceededto rattle on about the busy dayshe had ahead and all the thingsthat awaited her the rest of theweek."Mom," I interrupted. "It's fivein the morning.""Really? What are you doing upso early?"

"It is the dailygrind that gives aperson polish."

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Laughs&Lifts is a Family Magazine with Christian BasedContent, Clean Jokes, Recipes, Cartoons and Puzzles.

Everyone Loves Laughs&Lifts!If this sounds like the job you have been looking for,

send your up-to-date resume toLaughsandLifts @live.com

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Gardening Tips From SharonAh summer, beautiful summer.I just got back from a visit with family in Indianaand although a neighbor faithfully water myplants and garden you could tell it needs someTLC because of my absence. I pulled weeds andpulled out the dead plants. I combined somesurvivors from other pots and filled in my spacesand it sure does look better. In just a week mytomato plant took over the peppers andMarigolds while the cucumbers latched onto thetomato stem. But all in all things are going welland I expect a good crop of vegetables soon.

Now is the time to look at your gardensand evaluate your success, think about yoursuccess and what worked for you. Make a noteof the not so success and revise your strategy.Don’t make a mental note ====go get anotebook and jot down your thoughts becauseby spring your mental note will be stuffed in theback corner of your mind. Get up early onemorning and purge your garden of the weeds,dead leaves and blooms. Pull out the casualtiesand plan what to put there to fill that spot forfall.As you sit in the cool indoor air sipping a coldone contemplating your next planting, don’tforget the animals. Be sure your outdoors petshave plenty of fresh cool water to drink. Fix upa spot for your feathered friends too. Be sure itis not too deep or put a rock in the center of thewater bowl so they have a place to stand. In fact,why not plan to have more of the wild things inyour back yard next year. If you plan well youcan attract songbirds and even butterflies to yourback yard. They are a joy to hear and a joy towatch.Happy Planning,

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Aunt T’sAunt T’sKitchenKitchen

Summer Spaghetti Salad

Ingredients· 1 package (16 ounces) thin spaghetti,

halved· 3 medium tomatoes, diced· 3 small zucchini, diced· 1 large cucumber, halved, seeded and

diced· 1 medium green pepper, diced· 1 medium sweet red pepper, diced· 1 bottle (8 ounces) Italian salad dressing· 2 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese· 1-1/2 teaspoons sesame seeds· 1-1/2 teaspoons poppy seeds· 1/2 teaspoon paprika· 1/4 teaspoon celery seed· 1/8 teaspoon garlic powder

Directions· Cook spaghetti according to package

directions; drain and rinse in cold water.Place in a large bowl; add tomatoes,zucchini, cucumber and peppers.

· Combine remaining ingredients; pourover salad and toss to coat. Cover andrefrigerate for at least 2 hours. Yield: 16servings.

Chili Corn Bread Salad

Ingredients· 1 package (8-1/2 ounces) corn bread/muffin mix· 1 can (4 ounces) chopped green chilies, undrained· 1 cup chopped green peppers

Crowd Pleasing Salads· 1 cup chopped green onions· 1/8 teaspoon ground cumin· 1/8 teaspoon dried oregano· Pinch rubbed sage· 1 cup mayonnaise· 1 cup (8 ounces) sour cream· 1 envelope ranch salad dressing mix· 2 cans (15 ounces each) pinto beans,

rinsed and drained· 2 cans (15-1/4 ounces each) whole

kernel corn, drained· 3 medium tomatoes, chopped 1 cup

chopped green onions· 10 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled· 2 cups (8 ounces) shredded cheddar

cheeseDirections

· Prepare corn bread batter according topackage directions. Stir in chilies, cumin,oregano and sage. Spread in a greased 8-in.square baking pan. Bake at 400° for 20-25minutes or until a toothpick inserted nearthe center comes out clean. Cool.

In a small bowl, combine mayonnaise, sour creamand dressing mix; set aside. Crumble half of thecorn bread into a 13-in. x 9-in. dish. Layer with halfof the beans, mayonnaise mixture, corn, tomatoes,green pepper, onions, bacon and cheese. Repeatlayers (dish will be very full). Cover and refrigeratefor 2 hours. Yield: 12 servings.

Cashew Pea Salad

Ingredients· 3/4 cup vegetable oil· 1/4 cup cider or red wine vinegar· 1 garlic clove, minced· 2 to 3 teaspoons Dijon mustard· 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce· 1/2 to 3/4 teaspoon salt· 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice· 1/4 teaspoon pepper· 1/4 teaspoon sugar· 2 (10 ounce packages) frozen peas,

thawed· 4 celery ribs, thinly sliced· 1 cup sour cream· 8 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled

For Reunions, Picnics,BBQ’s & Church Suppers

· 1 1/2 cup chopped cashews· Lettuce leaves and tomato wedges,

optional ( Garnish)Directions

· For dressing, combine the first nineingredients in a small bowl; mix well. Coverand refrigerate for 1 hour.

In a large bowl, combine peas, celeryand onions. Combine sour cream and 4tablespoons dressing (refrigerate remainingdressing); mix well. Fold into the peamixture. Just before serving, stir in baconand cashews. Yield: 12 -16 servings. Note:Remaining dressing may be served on atossed salad.

Festive Potato Salad

Ingredients· 8 medium red

potatoes, cooked and cubed

· 2 celery ribs with leaves, thinly sliced

· 2 green onions with tops, chopped

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· 4 hard-cooked eggs, chopped· 1/2 cup chopped peeled cucumber· 1/4 cup chopped sweet red pepper· 1/4 cup chopped green pepper· 1-1/4 cups mayonnaise· 1/4 cup sour cream· 1/4 cup plain yogurt· 1 tablespoon each minced fresh basil,

marjoram and dill or 1 teaspoon each dried basil, marjoram and dill weed

· 1 teaspoon sugar· 1/2 teaspoon salt· 1/2 teaspoon pepper· 4 plum tomatoes, coarsely chopped· 1 cup frozen peas, thawed

1 cup (4 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese

Directions· In a large bowl, combine the first seven

ingredients. In another bowl, combine themayonnaise, sour cream, yogurt andseasonings. Pour over potato mixture; tossto coat. Gently stir in tomatoes, peas andcheese. Cover and refrigerate until serving.Yield: 14 servings.

Aunt T’sAunt T’sKitchenKitchen


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Great Is Thy Faithfulness(Author Unknown)

"The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for Hiscompassions never fail. They are new every morning; greatis Your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23 NASBThomas Chisholm faced no crises. There were noemergencies or serious illnesses in his family. He had beena successful pastor, salesman, and writer, with little dramain his life.Yet Chisholm didn't take his blessings for granted. When helooked back, he realized just how much God had blessedhim. Reflecting on the verses from Lamentations, herecognized that the Lord had been faithful.In 1923, when he was 55, Chisholm wrote a hymn called"Great Is Thy Faithfulness." Through his words, he sharedthe truths he had experienced about God. Chisholm knewthat God never changes, and He's the same in everyseason and every kind of weather. Along with all ofcreation, Chisholm had been a witness to God's greatfaithfulness.He had seen how God was faithful to forgive the sins ofeven the most vile of sinners. He recognized that the Lordcould fill troubled hearts with peace. In every situation, Hewas by our side, ready to encourage and direct our steps.He was able to meet every need - physical or financial,emotional or spiritual.What is your story? As you look back at your life, can youremember times when it seemed like you were all alone?When you came to a crossroads and didn't know what todo? When you didn't know where to turn? When the futurelooked bleak and uncertain? When someone you knewfaced a crisis?What happened in those situations? Could you recognizethe hand of God? Could you realize He was with you, evenwhen you felt all alone?Today, think about the faithfulness of God. Start thankingHim. Praise Him that His mercies are "new every morning."And remember that just as He has been faithful in the past,He will be faithful today and in the days to come. Great isHis faithfulness!Meditate on the words to "Great is Thy Faithfulness":

"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,There is no shadow of turning with Thee;Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail notAs Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"Morning by morning new mercies I see;All I have needed Thy hand hath provided -"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,Join with all nature in manifold witnessTo Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

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ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL?

This quiz consists of four questionsthat tell you whether or not you arequalified to be a professional.SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.There is no need to cheat. Thequestions are not that difficult. Youjust need to think like aprofessional.1. How do you put a giraffe into arefrigerator?* The correct answer is: Open therefrigerator, put in the giraffe andclose the door. This question testswhether or not you are doingsimple things in a complicated way.2. How do you put an elephant intoa refrigerator?* Incorrect answer: Open therefrigerator, put in the elephant,and close the door.Correct answer: Open therefrigerator, take out the giraffe,put in the elephant and close thedoor. This question tests yourforesight.3. The Lion King is hosting ananimal conference. All the animalsattend except one. Which animaldoes not attend?* Correct answer: The elephant.The elephant is in the refrigerator!This tests if you are capable ofcomprehensive thinking.OK, if you did not answer the lastthree questions correctly, this onemay be your last chance to testyour qualifications to be aprofessional.4. There is a river that is known tohave many crocodiles in it. How doyou cross it?* Correct Answer: Simply swimthrough it. All the crocodiles areattending the animal meeting! Thisquestion tests your reasoningability.So... If you answered four out offour questions correctly, you are atrue professional. Wealth andsuccess await you.If you answered three out of four,you have some catching up to dobut there's hope for you.If you answered two out of four,consider a career as a hamburgerflipper in a fast food joint.

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Don’t Panic!

Many, if not most, of us have probablybeen in physical need at some time. All ofus will remain in a spiritual need as longas we are in these bodies made of flesh.Be encouraged today regardless how darkit may seem down the road of life.This just may be a time in your life whereyou may have too: “Do more with less.”In times like these will we draw closer toour Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This mayalso be a time for some to re-evaluate,make a new assessment concerning abudget. Make a list of your real needs, andmake a list of your wants, now prioritizedyour lists, base your decision on availableresources. “Income must always begreater than out-going funds.”Proverbs 23:5 says, "Riches certainly makethemselves wings." In fact, nothing in thisworld provides certainty except for ourLord Jesus Christ. He will certainly be withus. He will certainly hear us (Psalm 66:19).If you're pinched and pressured right now,you're in good company. These areuncertain times. But we have a sure andcertain hope. We walk by faith; and faithis "being sure of what we hope for andcertain of what we do not see" (Hebrews11:1, NIV, 1984). You can certainly trustHim with your hopes, your dreams--yourvery life.Hebrews 13:5-6 "Let your conduct bewithout covetousness, and becontent with such things that youhave, for he has said, 'I will neverleave you, nor forsake you,' so thatwe may boldly say, 'The Lord is myhelper, and I will not fear what manshall do to me.'"

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CROSSWORD

Across

1. Thanksgiving dish5. Campus military org.9. Speed13. "Don't bet ___!" (2 wd)14. Calyx part15. "God's Little ___"16. Indisposed (3 wd)19. Idiot20. The real ___21. Denials22. Homebuilder's strip23. Sneeze response27. "Desire Under the ___"31. Cartoon art32. Schuss, e.g.33. Dirty34. Calif. airport (acronym)35. Beasts of burden37. ___ cross38. "Hamlet" has five40. ___ constrictor41. Football's ___ Bowl43. Eye affliction44. Wall alcoves wherelight enters (2 wd)47. At no time, poetically49. Bit50. Solicits money whileperforming music

52. On fire55. Mugshots (2 wd)58. Pepsi, e.g.59. Representative60. Bad marks61. Any group derived froma simple aromatic ring62. Erupt63. "___ we forget"

Down1. "___ rang?"2. "___ and the King ofSiam"3. Calf-length skirt4. Chest protector5. Discuss again6. Kind of column7. Spotted, to Tweety8. Ornamental climbingplants9. Tennis ___ (pl.)10. Bounce back, in a way11. Deuce topper12. "___ Town Too" (1981hit)14. Charger17. French wine region18. Appear22. Go for

23. Balls24. Legislate25. A mile a minute26. English exam finale,often28. Kind of ticket29. Cat's cry30. Disparaging remarks35. Convent superiors36. Fly high39. Voluptuous41. Fairy tale figure42. Fleet's commander45. Roll about in mud46. "Enchanted April"setting48. Barely get, with "out"50. Crude dude51. Hideous52. Preferred above others53. "Good going!"54. Patrilineal clan55. ___ Victor (acronym)56. Former measure of U.S.economy (acronym)57. Undertake, with "out"

"In a Perfect World"

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(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables,and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking,places it on a tray along with the necessarycooking utensils, and takes it to the man, whois lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the tableand check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man thatthe meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill andhands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and bringsthem to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the tableand does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how sheenjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction,concludes that there's just no pleasing somewomen.

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FAITH"Faith is not about everythingturning out OK; Faith is about

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"Soul Winning Efforts"

A very zealous soul-winning youngpreacher recently came upon afarmer working in his field. Beingconcerned about the farmer's soul,the preacher asked the man, "Areyou laboring in the vineyard of theLord, my good man?"Not even looking at the preacherand continuing his work, the farmerreplied, "Naw, these are soybeans.""You don't understand," said thepreacher. "Are you a Christian?"With the same amount of interest ashis previous answer, the farmersaid, "Nope my name is Jones. Youmust be lookin' for Jim Christian. Helives a mile south of here."The young, determined preachertried again, asking the farmer, "Areyou lost?""Naw! I've lived here all my life,"answered the farmer."Are you prepared for theresurrection?" the frustratedpreacher asked.This caught the farmer's attentionand he asked, "When's it gonna be?"Thinking he had accomplishedsomething, the young preacherreplied, "It could be today,tomorrow or the next day."Taking a handkerchief from his backpocket and wiping his brow, thefarmer remarked, "Well, don'tmention it to my wife. She don't getout much, and she'll wanna go allthree days."


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PAGE 24 LAUGHS & LIFTS AUGUST 2011ISSUE 3 AUGUST 2011

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Laughs&Lifts August 2011