One Thousand Laughs From Vaudeville

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Onethousandlaughsfromvaudeville

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I. & M. OTTENHEIMER, PUBLISHERS,

800 802 E. FAYETTE ST. Cor FRONT ST.

BALTIMORE f > MARYLAND

ONE THOUSAND LAUGHS

S FROM VAUDEVILLE

THE FUNNY EFFORTS OF THE LEADING MONO.

LOGISTS, COMEDIANS, SKETCH ARTISTS

AND JOKERS. THE BEST STORIES

TOLD BY

Fred Niblo, Stewart Barnes,

Raymond & Caverly, Julius Tannen,

Ben Welch, George Evans,

Cliff Gordon, Joe Deming,

Jack Hazard, Lonely Haskell,

Jack Norworth, Joe Welch,

Nat Wills, Billy Van,

AND OTHERS.

Illustrated.

Copyright, 1908, by I. & M. Ottenheimer.

I. & M. OTTENHEIMER,

PUBLISHERS

800-802 E. FAYETTE ST.

BALTIMORE, MD.

"VRWTED ffl I/. 3. A."

-A

Ufv c. - ' • j

UibrarJ

AUTHOR'S INTRODUCTION.

The success attained by us with our other Joke

Books has been so pleasing that we offer the preseut:

volume with considerable confidence. We have re

ceived many letters from professionals, who with won

derful praise assure us that they are the best books of

their kind ever published. This in itself is very pleas

ant, as the book was not designed for professionals

alone, but for the general public. We have expended

a great deal of time and money in compiling "iooo

Laughs from Vaudeville," and we trust that its readers

will find it as interesting as our other Joke Books.

If you haven't read our other Joke Books, be sure to

read them. Beware of imitators.

Yours for fun,

THE AUTHOR.

The Matter in This Book Has Never Ap

peared in Print Before.

THE PROTECTION OP THE

COPYRIGHT UPON THIS

BOOK WILL BE ZEALOUSLY

GUARDED TO THE MOST

MINUTE PARTICULAR, AND

THE SLIGHTEST INFRINGE

MENT WILL BE VIGOR

OUSLY AND PERSISTENTLY

Prosecuted.

PIRATES BEWARE.

ONE THOUSAND LAUGHS

FROM VAUDEVILLE

GEORGE (HONEY BOY) EVANS, THE POPU

LAR BLACK-FACE COMEDIAN AND

MONOLOGUIST.

Tell me one thing, tell me truly,

Won't you kindly tell me, please—

Is Philadelphia a regular city,

Or is it a disease?

"Have you ever been to a party in Philadelphia?"

"Have you ever seen anything to go to there ?"

"Have you ever found any reason for Philadelphia?"

"I spent Sunday there, and honestly that was all you

could spend, because that town is as dead as an Egyp

tian mummy. I was very thirsty, so I asked a

man in the depot where I could get a drink.

He said the only place he knew of was down at the

river. I sighted a policeman over on the corner. Yes,

he was a regular human being policeman. I don't

know how he come to be out, but I determined to ask

him. So I went over and told him I was a stranger in

z

8 IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

the city and wanted a drink very bad, and asked him

if he knew where one could be had. He said if he did

he would be there himself drinking it right then, in

stead of standing on the corner. So I went into a

nearby hotel and asked if I could get a drink. The clerk

asked me if I realized I was in Philadelphia and on a

Sunday. I said I guessed so, and went over and found

the proprietor standing in the dining room. I asked

him if he knew where I could get a drink. He looked

serious, winked at me and led me up four flights of

stairs into a room on the top floor. There he shut and

locked the door, pulled down the blind and said : 'No,

do you?' When I got into the street again I met a

drummer I knew and asked him what was the best

thing he had ever seen in Philadelphia. He said the

best thing he ever saw there was the train for New

York.

"I am glad to see so many beautiful ladies out in

Jront, and to note that here in the middle of winter they

are wearing those lovely summer shirtwaists—those

delightful peek-a-boo shirtwaists. I didn't like them at

first. You see, I didn't understand them. But I can

see through them now.

"The ladies, God bless them! Do you know that

there are a great many men who know absolutely

nothing about women. And there are other men who

wished they knew absolutely nothing about women.

They are funny creatures. Did you ever hear a little

four-foot-high woman saying to her six-foot husband

as he is leaving home after supper : 'Henry, if you are

not home by 9 o'clock I'll beat the life out of you when

you do come home.' He's going out to see his affinity.

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.9

Now, don't laugh, girls ; they are nice things to have,

but not around the house. My wife won't let me. I

had one once, but I sold her to a friend for a quarter. I

beat him out of fifteen cents.

"Well, here I am looking for a job. Do you know

it's the funniest thing that I can't hold a job more than

ten or fifteen years. I have just left Stewart's. Girls,

I'll bet that will sting you. I was employed behind the

notion counter, and an old vinegar, dill-pickle face

woman came in and said :

" 'Young man, I would like to see some bustles.'

"I said: 'So would I, if you think we won't get

pinched, but I can't show them to you right here.'

" 'Why not?' she asked, assuming one of those looks

that Eleanor Glynn tells about in 'Three Weeks.'

" 'Well,' said I, 'the reason is this counter is at the

front of the store, and bustles are generally kept in the

rear.'

"Then she looked mad and went out.

"The next customer was a little old woman who

looked like three cents worth of soap after a hard day's

washing. She said : 'Young man, I want to see your

corsets.'

"Well, I just looked at her in amazement and said :

'Madam, I am not vain, but my figure is all my own.'

"She looked at me mad like and said : 'Where is the

nice, polite little gentleman who was at this counter

last summer—that civilized person with one eye named

Sam?'

"I said : 'Tell me the name of his other eye and I will

try and find out for you.'

"The next customer was a regular village cut>uj},

i

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE. II

One of those fluffy-ruffles mother boys about as thick

as a toothpick. You know, one of those nifty college

boys who plays the piano and sings 'Every Morn I

Bring You Violets/ when he couldn't bring you a nickel's

worth of milk. He said: 'Are you the proprietor?'

" 'No/ I replied ; 'give me a chance. I've only been

here two days. Come around Saturday and I'll let you

know what kind of luck I've had/

"Then he looked at me and said: 'Really/ just like

he had mush in his mouth, and gave me a look that

made me feel like yelling, 'Lizzie's here/

"Finally I said : 'Come, now, what do you want?*

" 'I want a collar/ said it.

" 'Horse or dog?' I enquired.

" 'I want a man's collar/ he twittered, 'size twelve

and a half.'

"Just then somebody turned on the electric fan and

blew him through the transom.

"By the time I had gotten rid of him a swell-looking

girl came in and said : 'Have you any special sales to

day?*

"I told her we had a special sale of garters, but she

looked shocked and said : 'I guess they come high/

" 'They would on you—you're tall/ I told her, and

she said, 'Rubber !' I told her if I did I'd lose my job.

Well, just then the floor walker came up and said:

'Young man, you are too strong for this department.

Go over to the fortune-teller. She has something to

say to you.' So over to the palmistry department I

went, and Gypsy Queen took my hand and said : 'You

are going away from here/ She was the first fortune

teller I ever had tell me the truth. Iw lan-

f

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE. 13

ager said I had presided over the counter long enough.

Don't laugh. I was the president of the counter. I'll

never be president of the United States—I'm a Demo

crat. Yes, I voted for Bryan. A friend of mine came

to me and said: 'Vote for Bryan and prosperity will

come.' So I voted for Bryan, and prosperity came, and

that's why I'm going to vote for him again.

When I was a small boy going to school we had a

lovely lady teacher, and we boys used to think a great

deal of her. One morning Johnny Jones brought her a

lovely rose, and she smiled on him and patted him on

the head. Willie Smith took the cue from Johnny, and

the next day he brought her a couple of fine, big red

apples, and she thanked him so nicely and then bent

over and kissed him. Then I thought I would take

her something, and decided on a large, juicy water

melon. She looked surprised, but thanked me and

told me to remain in after school.

STUART BARNES, MONOLOGIST.

I shall dilate this evening on the temperance question.

There is no doubt the day is coming when liquor must be

put down. In fact, the day is here when It is being put

down. I know because I have helped put quite a lot of it

down myself. But that is neither here nor there. The

vital question is, how much of it can you put down and

then get home? Give me the man who can take a drink

and leave it alone ; then take another and leave that alone.


My, how brave it is of a man when asked to drink to say

firmly and manfully, "No." Then when the gang Insists,

to again say "No." And when they all gather around

him, telling him what a good fellow he is and trying to

induce him to drink, he again says: "No, boys; not an

other drop of whiskey for me; give me a little beer this

time. I am a married man myself, and proud to say I am

quite happy.' All our little debts and other troubles have

grown up into nice big ones, and we have a lovely little

boy who calls me "papa." I know it is hard on him, but

somebody had to be his papa. My wife said she would not

have the dear little fellow see me under the influence of

liquor for the world, so I sneak in now of nights after he

has been put to bed. My wife thinks I am of Scotch de

scent. She told me the other night she thought there was

some Scotch in me, and I told her she was right, for I put

it in at the corner saloon just before I came home. Chang

ing the subject, these melodramas are great things in the

theatrical line. Some of them are so mellow they are al

most overripe. But they are all the same old thing.

"Bertie the Buttonhole Biter; or, Who Swiped the Pay

Envelope?" There are the hero and the heroine. They

meet at 8 :i5, fall in love at 8 :30, are married at 9, and by

10 are housekeeping with a couple of children. At 10 :30

they are divorced, and the play ends happily. These time

events are wonderful. Why, I have seen a man sentenced

to thirty years in prison at 9:15, and at 10:15 was out

again and set up in business. How the women do fall for

these melodramas. They will leave their homes every

afternoon and go to the matinees and sit there snedding

tears into a box of chocolates, weeping over some poor

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE. 1JJ

little stage kid while their own children are playing

around any old place. Then when they get home they

give them a spanking for getting dirty playing in the coal

bin. I will conclude these few remarks with a few philo

sophical observations in verse, which pertain to the alac

rity with which our memory is effaced after we have taken

our departure. It is entitled, "You're very soon forgotten

when you're gone." Here goes :

In this world of wild ambition, where you're seeking a po

sition,

That perhaps is far above what you'll attain ;

Where you make a mighty bustle and a show of earnest

hustle,

In a life that's all made up of joy and pain.

You might, in a moment sober, pause and think the whole

thing over,

Ere you take the entire burden of it on ;

Do not view it too abjectly, but if you figure it correctly

You're very soon forgotten when you're gone.

All your friends will gladly crown you—a good fellow

they'll surround you—

And they praise you up unto the very skies ;

But when the merry party's ended, and you home your

way have wended,

They will laugh at how you swallowed all their lies.

They will grin and ha-ha wheezy, and declare you good

and easy,

Those fellows who were wont to toast and fawn ;

1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE. 19

You can notch on the paling as a motto never failing

You are very soon forgotten when you're gone.

Girls will call you dearest fellow in tones with deception

yellow,

They will pet you and delight you with their kiss ;

They will say you are a dandy as they masticate your

candy,

They will make your life a perfect round of bliss.

But don't trust the fair ones ever, such things do not last

forever,

When you're broke and come around they'll sit and

yawn;

Set the clock an hour faster, declare that you're a sticking

plaster,

And you'll be very soon forgotten when you're gone.

So with all life's living creatures, and its fairest pleasing

features,

So with everything and everyone you meet ;

So in times eternal fitness you're the same old buncoed

itness,

In the house or at the theater, on the street.

As you amble through life gaily you are handed lemons

daily,

'Till you're busted, with your overcoat in pawn ;

Then they'll give the haughty giggle, and away from your

side wiggle,

For you're very soon forgotten when you're gone


JULIUS TANNEN, MONOLOGIST.

A friend of mine had a big, fine-looking blonde sten

ographer, who did not meet the approval of his wife by

reason of her good looks. Finally his wife got jealous

and told him to discharge her and she would act as his

stenographer and typewriter, and thus save him the $20

a week he paid her. She computed the amount that he

would not have to pay her in salary, and showed him it

would buy a nice house. Her husband consented to do as

she asked. The blonde left and she took her place. Sure

enough, things went better afterwards, and business

picked up to such an extent that in a few years her hus

band had saved up enough to buy the nice house, and he

did buy it—for the blonde.

A boarding-house mistress had trouble making both

ends meet these hard times, and' yet her boarders al

ways kicked and complained about the food. The last

kick was about the chickens being tough, but the land

lady claimed she had done her best to get them tender,

but would resort to a new ruse. The next time she

went to buy fowl she found the poultryman had ten

chickens, so she asked him to pick out six of the tough

est, as she kept a boarding-house. He did as she re

quested, and she bought the other four.

I asked a carpenter friend of mine how he would go

about making one blind. He replied he would stick his

fingers in his eyes.

A man who had laryngitis was advised to eat ice-cream.

He went to the ice-cream saloon and asked the man for

some cream, telling him he had laryngitis, but the man


only laughed and said: "No; the only kinds I have are

vanilla and chocolate."

An Englishman lived next door to a family who had

a pianola. One of the airs it played nearly all the time

was "God Save the King." The Englishman next

door complained that he had to stand up nearly all

night at salute.

A schoolteacher asked little Willie if she laid two

eggs on the table and then laid two more there, how

many would there be? A tough kid on the rear seat

yelled : "None. Yer couldn't lay one."

A girl's father informed her young man that he

might call, but must remember the lights went out at

10 130. He told him to expect him at 1 1 o'clock.

A young man was walking down the street when he

stepped on a banana peel and went flying right into the

arms of a young girl who was coming in the opposite

direction. They became fast friends. They had never

been introduced—merely thrown into each other's

company. *

JACK HAZARD, MONOLOGIST.

I took my girl down town for a little lunch, not

expecting that she had an appetite like an ostrich and

a thirst as long as the neck of a giraffe. I only had a

couple of dollars, and the order she gave put me in a

trance for the rest of the evening. Several times in the

presence of the waiter, when she ordered more, she


laughingly referred to me as her "meal ticket," and

when she had finally finished and the waiter brought

me a check for $11.75 I tc,ld him I only had two dollars.

He brought the boss up, and he asked my girl if she

had not said that I was her meal ticket. She again

laughed and said "yes." Then he punched her meal

ticket.

A colored dramatic society was giving a perform

ance of "Othello" to a large and enthusiastic colored

audience. Othello strode on the stage and demanded

of Desdemona, "Whar am dat hankerchief ?" She, ac

cording to the play, hesitated to confess her infidelity,

as indicated by the loss of the aforesaid bit of linen,

and again he demanded, this time more sternly : "Des

demona, whar am dat handkerchief?" Whereupon an

old colored man in the rear of the hall arose and yelled :

"Say, niggah, blow yoh nose on yoh coat sleeve ani

let de play go on."

WALTER JONES—JONES AND DEYO (Sketch).

Park Policeman—A policeman died and I am tak

ing up a collection to bury him. Will you give a dol

lar?"

Jones—A dollar to bury a policeman ?

Park Policeman—Yes.

Jones—Here's ten dollars ; bury ten of them.

Park Policeman—How would you like to be a police

man? You have to take a civil service examination,

and the first question they ask you is how far is it

from Baltimore to San Francisco?


If that is the length of the beats, to hell with

BEN WELCH, HEBREW COMEDIAN.

I was just in dere vot a thought was a saloon, but it's

a gambling joint. Dere a lot of pocket pickers, Jessie

Jimmies, A. P. A.'s. Dere vos a lot of hoboes sitting

aroundt the stove talking about who they vould tup

on the nut. In the front room dey got a pig veel, vot

goes roundt and roundt, and you pet on the numbers.

Sometimes you vin—sometimes. Roulittes. Den in

anothder room they got a game vot I neffer seen pe-

fore, shaking dice and some seven talking. Scripps.

Den I drank a gin physic and got drunk. I met Jake,

mine son, and he says : "Fader, ve vill haf a good time."

He is a okum fiend. Smokes okum. Effery night he's

got a million dollars. Last night he sez : "Fader, I feel

bad. I think I'll go to St. Louis. Den he took a silver

pencil, filled vid white water, oudt of his pocket and

shoot it in his arm, and in two minutes he was gov

ernor of New York. One more shoot and he would be

president of the United States. He giv me a shoot

once, and I got so foolish I paid de rent. He hadt a

pank roll vot vould choke a horse. Sefen dollars, I ped

you. He took me to de athletic club. Ven ve got in

two young fellers come on de platform and shook

hands and den right avay dey got to fighting, and

somebody called "Time." I said : "Half-past six," and I

got a whallop an der hedt vot made me see stars. Den

Jones—

the job.


feller offered to pedt me five tollars I didn't know I vos

alive, and I vos afraid to ped him.

FRED NIBLO, MONOLOGIST.

As you all know, I have just returned from a trip

around the world, and I saw a great many strange

sights. Before I left on this long journey I visited my

girl and asked her to marry me. She was a fine girl

and a wise one, but she looked serious for a few min

utes, and then said: "Go to father." Now, she knew

that I knew that her father was dead, and she knew

that I knew of the life he had led, and she knew that

I knew what she meant when she said, "Go to father."

Well, we were not married, and I sailed alone.

Ah, me, but the girls are the sweetest things on

earth. They get everything, and man, the poor sucker,

has to pay for it. First of all, the candies and flowers ;

then the wedding feast, the marriage license, the min

ister's fee, the carriages for the wedding. Next the

house rent, the furniture, the market money, the

clothes for her nobs and the kids, and last of all, but

not least, the alimony. He pays it all. Man, poor man !

Have you ever been at sea? Oh, there is nothing so

majestic as the ocean. The vast, rolling ocean ! Every

body got seasick the first day out and thought they

were going to die. The rest of the trip they were sorry

that they hadn't. The seas got corrugated and most

of the passengers went below to unpack and think it

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE. 2"J

over. I saw an old gentleman and an old lady on deck,

both very sick. He was lying on the deck with his

head in her lap. She was trying to forget, but he had

nothing left to forget. I said to her: "I am so sorry

your husband is so sick," but she looked sad and said :

"He is not my husband. I never saw him before. I

just caught him where he fell." But there is great

pleasure to be had on the fine liners. All day you are

on deck looking out for whales and all night you are in

the smoking room looking out for sharks. But at lastwe

reached London, and it is the greatest city in the world.

There is the great Drury Lane Theater, which is open

at 5 in the afternoon and is not filled until 8 at night.

But our Baltimore theaters have it beat. Some of

them haven't been filled in thirty years. Then there is

Hyde Park, in London. It takes a whole week to drive

through it. Baltimore has Druid Hill Park, and a little

boy goes out there in the evening and comes home that

night married and with a family. Then there are the

great hotels of London. The Cecil, for instance, one

of the best in the world. They have a wonderful boot

black system there. When you retire at night you put

your shoes outside the door of your room, and the next

morning they are beautifully polished. You don't have

to go out hunting a shine like you do in Baltimore.

But just imagine putting your shoes out in the hallway

of a hotel here and leaving them there until morning !

Not to me. Within a year the hotel proprietor would

be in the wholesale shoe business. I made a great hit

in London. I appeared before His Majesty King Ed

ward by special royal command. It seems the King

28 1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

heard I was playing at the Palace Theater, so he sent

word he was coming down and that I was to appear

before him. I was the only artist on the program he

mentioned. I tell you that I felt a high degree of par

donable pride when the manager came to me and said :

"Mr. Niblo, you are to appear before the King tonight

by his special command." "Good," says I ; "that will

be a great feather in my cap. "Yes," said he, "and the

King desires that you appear before him. He will be

here about 10 o'clock, so I guess you will go on about

9." Then the London papers spoke so highly of me.

The Times, that greatest of all English newspapers,

said I was the most finished actor that ever visited

England, and that it was so pleased with me. To

quote it exactly, it said: "We are happy to say Fred

Niblo, the American monologist, is most finished." I

was presented at court three times, but they let me go

each time.

From London I went to Scotland. All the Ameri

cans who travel abroad go to Scotland in the summer.

In fact, Scotland is full of Americans In the summer,

just as the Americans over here are full of Scotch in

the winter. From London I went to Paris. Ah, there

is a great city! That's where they make all the plas

ter paris and paris green. From Paris I drifted over

to Berlin, the garden city of the world. It is well

named, for it is full of beautiful gardens—beer. I

never saw so many booze conservatories in my life.

Next we went to Spain. That is a quaint country. All

they do over there is eat garlic, go to bullfights and

curse the Americans for putting them out of business.


Next I visited the land of spaghetti, Italy, where they

smile in your face and stick a stiletto in your back. I

didn't wait for the Black Hand Society to get hep to

me and the bank roll I carried, so drifted down to

Rome. There is the Eternal City. Talk about thea

ters. The world's greatest theater was there. The

monster Colliseum, where in the days of Nero a hun

dred thousand people gathered and the actors were

the gladiators, fighting with the wild animals. Actors

don't fight with wild animals these days; they fight

with their managers. From Rome I went to Cairo.

That's in Egypt, you know, where the Egyptian ciga

rettes come from—if you're lucky. The land of the

pyramids, where the monologue men get their jokes

from ; the land where Pharaoh's daughter found Moses

in the bullrushes. At least, that is what she told her

father. No, girls ; I don't believe it, either, but far be

it from me to say any more on the subject. From

there I went to Turkey. You all know Turkey. There

is where the Turkish baths come from. I think they

all must have come from there long ago, for from the

way the Turks looked I don't think there has been a

bath in that country in 2,000 years. Next I went to

China. There is a barbarous country. Why, do you

know that in China when a girl child is born they

give it to the beasts. They don't do that in this coun

try. They save them over here until they grow up

and then give them to the beasts. I went to Japan next.

When you walk along the street every Jap you meet

steps aside and bows and says, "Ohio." That means

"good-morning" in the Japanese language. If they

3© 1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

want to bid you "good-night" I suppose they say Phil

adelphia. But, after all, America is the greatest coun

try in the world. Take our navy, for instance. Look

at it. I don't know where it is, but look at it. We

have the finest battleships in the world—both of them.

France brags about her disappearing guns; we've got

France beat a thousand ways. We have a disappear

ing Navy. This talk about war with Japan is all bosh.

Japan don't want to fight us. We don't need any army

or navy at all to lick Japan. All we would have to do

would be to turn Admiral Hearst and the Yellow

Squadron on them and they would take to the woods

in a day.

When I got back my Uncle Hiram met me and we

took a little trip over to New York and Boston. We

wanted to go the worst possible way, so we took the

O. & W. A lady on the train was talking about a

lovely pair of corsets she had bought, and said they

were so full of curves they must be the R. & G., but 1

told her if they were full of curves they must be the O.

& W. Well, after the train had started I asked the

conductor if our tickets were good on that road, and

he said : "No ; nothing is good on this road." We got

into the smoker and Uncle Hiram said he could tell

where men came from by the way they looked. He

asked one man if he was from Pittsburg, and he said

he was. Then he asked another man if he wasn't from

Washington. He replied that was his home city.

Then he asked another man if he didn't live in Chi

cago. The man said "Yes." Then he asked a little

fellow if he was not from Wilmington. But he said


no; he had been sick three weeks, and only looked that

way. They have an interpreter on the O. & W. trains

to tell you what the brakeman says when he calls out

the name of the next station. We met with a terrible

accident, too. The engine struck a cow. No, it didn't

hurt the cow, but she got her tail caught in the cow

catcher somehow and ran away with the train. We

were three hours behind time, but we got in two hours

ahead of time. Have you ever noticed those little flags

on the rear of a train? Do you know what they are

for? They are to keep the cattle from running in the

cars from the rear and annoying the passengers. The

other day an O. & W. train which had never been on

time was announced as approaching a town on time,

and just at noon pulled into the depot. A big crowd of

citizens were on hand to welcome it, and carried the

engineer and conductor to the city hall on their shoul

ders. They protested on the way, but the crowd

would not listen to them. When they finally got a

chance to talk they explained the train was the one

due the day before, and was just 24 hours late. Well,

uncle and I got talking, and he asked me how I liked

London. I told him great. He said : "I guess you'll

go to England soon, won't you?" I told him I had just

been to England—that London was in England. Then

I told him about Paris, and he said: "Are you ever

going to visit the continent ?" I explained to him Paris

was on the continent. So he kept quiet a little while,

and then asked me if I was ever going to Europe.

When we reached Boston I took him up to see the

Bunker Hill Monument, and when I told him what it

But dey had to push Levinski.

Page 33.


was he asked me who lived there. I told him no one.

Then he said he thought all them bunco things was

in New York. We' went to the top of it, 257 feet, and

I pointed out to him the battlefield where so many

brave Americans fell and died, and he looked serious

and said: "Hell, no wonder they died—a fall off this

would kill anybody."

JULIAN ROSE, HEBREW COMEDIAN.

I vant to tell you about Levinski's wedding. It was

a great affair and very swell. I got an invitation a

veek ago, and thought that, as my hair was coming

out, I would grow some new hair, and I got a hair de

stroyer and drank three bottles, and my hair cum out

fine—all of it. Cohen he got an invitation, too, but he

wrote Levinski and told him he had to go see "Ham

let." Levinski wrote back and told him to bring Ham

let along. He didn't know Hamlet was a theater; he

thought he was a man. Well, when the wedding cum

off it was a great time. Everybody has a great time

at a wedding. A man vot vorks for me got married

not long ago, and I had to let him off a half day. Some

times it takes longer. Ve vore efening dress. I vent

in my pajumpers. The bride was dressed up to kill. She

looked like a kosher butcher. She vore a low-neck

delicatessen dress and carried a punch of dont-forget-

me-nots in her handt. She vore orange plossoms on

her het, ven she ought to hadt lemons, for Got knows

/


.

she got a lemon in Levinski. He vas a fine-looking

pridegroom. His pants vas so tight that ven he sat

down he stood up. I vas gladt ven it vas all ofer.

Der pride vas led to der altar—but dey had to push

Levinski.

CARSON AND WILLARD, IN "FRIZZLED FI

NANCE."

)

"Iss dis a pank?"

"Yes, it is; vot you got to pud in idt?"

"Vot shouldt I pud in it?"

"Vy, money, of course."

"Ven I pudt money in vot do I ged oudt?"

"You ged a pook?"

"Vy is der pook?"

"Vell, if you pudt in' a tousand dollars, de panker

writes it down and hands you the pook>

"Iss der pook vorth a tousand dollars?"

"No ; der pook ain't vort ten cents."

"Den vy do I gif de panker a tousand dollars for a

pook dot aindt vorth ten cents?"

"Vel, den ven der pank busts you look in der pook

and see how much you lose."

"Vell, den cash me diss check, blease."

"Let me see dot check. Aha, as eggspected; id is

from a yeast firm."

"Gee ! maybe it vos raised."

"Yess ; pesides, maybe a placksmith forged it."

"Blease cut out dot anvil chorus."


"Myne friend, ve accept nothing but negotiable

paper here."

"Dot makes no difference oudt. I vant der money

or der reason vy."

"Don't you know diss paper is vorthless as der check

idt is written on?"

"I hope you doant make no rejection just by dot is."

"Make no excuses und kindly step aside fur der cash

customers."

"I can proof to you dot I vos a dispositor of diss

pank."

"Dot makes nix cum rouse. Dis check has expired."

"Could you revive it not mit a draft?"

"Ef we cannot raise der vind we haf no palm leaf

fans, so dere is noddings to it yet."

"I make dot <fheck mit mine own endorsings. Not

dot der ink on idt iss not yet vet."

"I spik idt again—dot baber iss no account."

"Vell, I hope so ; I got idt off a countess."

"How much does it call for?"

"Fordy-two dollars, unless idt has changed idts

mindt. Vait ; I vill ask idt."

"Can't you identrifice yourself?"

"Shure; I vas my vife's first huspand."

"You are a fool."

"Vell, I haf sum obbosition yet alreadty."

"Do you vish dis check paid in currency?"

"Nein; mit dot elecdricidy. Vot for is it?"

"Is dot money vot you gif me?"

"Iss it not."

"Idt not iss."


CLIFF GORDON, "THE GERMAN SENATOR"

>

Friendts and Vellor Voters: I am gladt to address

such a message of beoples, and vill distress you mit all

der elephance dot is in me. Der furst remark vot I

shall make eggsplanashun of vill be capital. I am not

against capital—in fact, I am for all I kin ged of idt.

Dose dot are against idt are up against idt. Effrepody

says dere is greadt prosperity in the coundry and dot

effrobody vas busy and rushing. So dey are, budt dey

doant know vere dey vas rushin' to. But idt is drue

dot dere vas greadt prosperity. Der chails are doing

der piggest pusiness in years. Dot shows der patriot

ism uf der beeples. George Lincoln and Abraham

Vashington stood on der field of Shylock ven der air

vas full uv cannons and sang, "Our Country Is for der

Trusts," undt "Columbia Shumped into der Ocean."

Ound den Vasington sent vord to George Der Fourth

^ dot ve vould spendt millions for defense but vould not

give er nickle for triplets. Vot vas more peautiful

and perspiring don to look at der Statue of Liperty,

dot great peanuckle of success, standting dere in New

York harpor, mid a lemon in von hand and der ocean

in der other? Sheneral Jackson saidt: "Give us equal

righdts." All men are cremated equal. But dey doant

stay dot way. The rich man builds himself a house

he has gotd der landt to puild it on. Der poor man

puilds himself a house; he's got to standt dere and

holdt it in his handt. Der rich own der land and der

got der ocean.

Andt dere vas Columbus. He vas a great man.


Vere vould ve all haf peen ef he had not disgusted

America? He vent to Queen Isabelle and saidt: "Izzy,

ledt me hav a few schooners." She gave dem to him

and he discovered America. Gif er man a few schoon

ers nowadays and he'll discover er station-house. In

dose days New York vas a wilderness, and dey hadt

to sent dose Pillhunters dere to get a few skins to trade

with the Indians. Now you don't haf to sendt hunters

to New York for skins—dat town iss full uf dem. In

dose tays ven a man makes you madt you shust handt

him a bunch of fists an he trows a bunch of knuckles

into your eye, and dere you was. Now idt iss different.

He hits you first and you are shust vat he says you is.

President Roosevelt is der greatest president vat we

effer hadt. Ef you doandt belief it read vat he says

apoudt himself in der papers. He invented dot new

spelling pissness, and ef it had been adopted a man

couldt write schust so vell ven he vas drunk as ven he

vas soper. And you didn't haf to have no pen nor pen

cil, neider. All you needed vas a crowbar or a monkey

wrench. Roosevelt vas opposed to dot race suicide,

and shows dot in 1906 dere vas more children porn

dan in any other year, and den he turns aroundt and

vants to take all der credit for it. He sents a message

to Congress, vat talks a whole lot but doant say much,

and Congress gifs it der laugh and trows it in der

stove. Den Congress asks for money. Dot's de furst

ting it alvays does is ask for money. In comes der

Congressman and ' says : "Good-morning, Congress.

Let me have sixdy millions tollars." He doant neffer

make no touch for a quarter or a half a tollar. Den


dey gif up a million tollars of de beeples money to findt

de North Pole, and a wise feller he goes up north and

stays a few veeks and .den comes pack home and says :

"Ve didn't findt der pole, put, gracious me 1 idt is coldt

up dere." Can you beat it? A million tollars shust to

know it is cold, ven you puy a dermometer for nine

teen cents? Den ven Congress adjourns dey sets aside

apoudt $17,000 for a dinner, and invites Chauncey De-

pew, and he eats up efferyting and den makes a speech.

Who der hell couldn't make a speech after a $17,000

dinner? Before I close I must say a few words for der

vorking man. He joins der union and pays $25 to git

in. He gits a schob at $12 a veek and vorks two veeks,

when de union orders him oudt on a strike and he owes

himself a tollar. Dey put effryting up on the vorking

man. Efen der gas is gone up, and now a poor man

candt efen gommit suicide. He is up against idt both

vays—he candt lif and he candt die.

Dere is Roceffelder, vot is the suberintendent uf a

Sunday school. Effery Sunday he tells his class how

to gidt money, but he doant tell dem how his father

got his. Ef he did he would preak up de Sunday

school. De panks of today haf adding machines so

dey can tell how much you pudt in, but vat dey need

is a machine to dell how much der cashier takes out

pefore he skips. You pass in your money and git a

leedle pook. Dot is so ven der bank busts you know

how much you lost. Ven dey vants a pank president

dey finds an honest man and makes him it, and den in

a few months he is er thief. No vats de use of dis. Vy


not appoindt er thief der president? Vy should dey go

on spoiling honest men ?

SWOR BROS., BLACK-FACE COMEDIANS.

Sim Williams (just returned to the house of his

former lady love)—"Honey, let me in."

Voice of Girl from Inside—"Who's you?"

"Why, it's me, honey, Sim Williams. I'se done

come back to mah baby."

"Git away from dere, niggah ; you ain't got no latch

key here any moh."

"Come on, Lizzie, open de doah ; it's cold out heah."

"I done tole you las' summer, when you wuz habin'

such a good time, dat zero was er gwine ter ketch yer

bye-and-bye."

"Lizzie, jest look out de window er minut. I wants

ter tell yoh all somefin."

"Say, niggah, wot you think I am? Yoh all ain't

gwine ter git no chance ter bounce er brick on mah

haid."

"Lizzie, I doan mean no troubleness to you, honey.

Jest put your ear to de keyhole and let me whisper

somefin to yer."

♦ "Go way, niggah ; you ain't gwine ter jab no hatpin

inter my haid."

"Say, Lizzie, ef you doan ope dis doah I'm gwine ter

bus' it in."


"Dere you is, niggah, flirtin' wif de undertaker

again."

Male Voice Inside—"Lizzie, I think I will be going,

an' right out dis window, too."

"Doan hurry, Harry ; dere's er dog in dat back yard.

,Dere ain't nobody out dere but Sim Williams, and he

ain't so many."

"Maybe you ain't counted Sim up lately. I'se goin'

out de back way, eben if de yard am full er dogs."

FRANK FOGARTY, "THE DUBLIN MINSTREL."

An Irish friend of mine went into a drug store and

asked for a quarter's worth of little liver pills. "Will

I put them in a box?" asked the druggist. "Well, I

guess yes," responded Pat; "you don't think I am

going to roll them home, do you ?"

Two Irishmen driving through the country noticed

that many of the barns had weather vanes on them ia

the shape of roosters.

"Pat," said one of them to the other, "can you tell

me why they always have roosters on barns and never,

a bin?"

"Sure," replied Pat; "it's because of the difficulty

they'd have getting the eggs if they put hins away up

there."

"Have ye anny ancisters, Mrs. Kelly?" asked Mrs.

O'Brien.

"An phat's ancisters?" asked Mrs. Kelly.


"Ancisters is the peope yez sphrung frum."

"Divil a bit did we spring frum anybody. We cum

from the rale old stock, and always sprung at thim."

"Aw, g'on, Mike," said the British soldier, attempt

ing to end the argument, "you're a lobster."

"Ye flatter me," retorted Mike; "shure, a lobster is

a wise animal, fur green is his color as long as he lives,

and he'll die before he puts a red coat on."

A maii fell in a river and was yelling for help.

"Help! help!" he cried, "I can't swim."

"Begorry," said an Irishman on the bank, "yez have

an ixcellent opportunity to larn, I'm thinkin'."

A very large and muscular Irish woman had the

little, shriveled-up Mick to whom she was married

haled up in the police court on the charge of assaulting

and beating her. He was the worst dilapidated man

the Judge had ever seen. His arm was in a sling, his

head was tied up, his eyes were blackened and he

seemed scarcely able to stand. The Judge listened to

the big Irish woman's tale of woe, and, unable to stand

it any longer, asked in derision : "Do you mean to say

that little bit of a physical wreck could beat you as

you have stated ?"

"Yer honor, he wasn't a physical wreck until he

tried to beat me."

Pat went into a restaurant with a keen appetite, but

suddenly remembered it was Friday. Without looking

at the bill-of-fare, he said to the waiter :


"Have yez any whale?"

The waiter replied that they had not.

"Have yez any shark?"

Again the waiter answered in the negative.

"Will, thin, bring me sum corned beef and cabbage.

God knows, I asked for fish!"

GEORGE WHITING AND THE MELINOTTE

i SISTERS.

"You have a talking machine at home, I suppose,

Archie?"

"No; she's living with her mother."

"Archie, my sweetheart's birthday is next Wednes

day, and I want to give him a surprise."

"Why don't you tell him your right age?"

"If I should kiss you would you scream for your

folks?"

"No; not unless you want to kiss the whole family."

"Would you marry a girl if her heart was cold as

ice?"

"Yes ; but not if her feet were."

"You are crying?"

"I am not; I am singing."

"My, how easily some people are deceived."

j IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE. 45

*

"What is your idea of married life?"

"The foreclosure of a mortgage on a man's inde

pendence."

"Will you be true to me when I am gone?"

"Yes; but don't be gone long."

HARRY GILFOIL AS "BARON SANDS."

Early to bed and early to rise—but you wont meet

very many prominent people.

A little bit of powder and a little bit of paint makes

a woman what she ain't.

Life's the biggest joke of all.

Shakespeare said that all the world's a stage;

And well he knew in that far-distant age.

A stage it is, whereon Comedian Fate

Don't crack his jokes his whims to satiate.

And after all the struggle, talk and fuss,

The curtain falls—and life is one on us. /

LEO CARRILLO, TELLER OF CHINESE YARNS

I will relate to you a few Chinese stories which I

picked up around Chinatown, San Francisco, while en

gaged as a journalist in that city.


A lady wanted a Chinese boy to wait on the table,

and went to a Chinese (bmployment agency to engage

one. The attendant brought out a pudgy-faced little

fellow about fifteen years of age, when the following

conversation occurred :

Lady—"What is your name?"

Chinee Boy—"Ah Lung Hop Sung Toy Fung Hou."

Lady—"Oh, that name is too long. I could never re

member it, so I will call you John."

Chinee Boy—"Alle lite. What your name?"

Lady—"My name is Mrs. Charles Algernon McTav-

ish Robinson."*

Chinee Boy—"Oh, helle! Your name too long. I

call you Charlie."

The boy was engaged, and soon after the Bishop

was expected to dine at the house, whereupon the lady

said: "The Bishop will probably ask you three ques

tions—your name, your age and where do bad boys go.

To the first question you must answer John, to the

second fifteen years and the last just point downwards.

That night the bishop came, and, as expected, asked

the Chinee boy his name.- Without waiting for the rest

of the questions, he replied blandly: "John, flifteen

year, go to helle."

Another lady in San Francisco had two Chinese ser

vants, a cook and a house servant. One day a half-

starved tramp rang the bell of the house, which was

answered by the house servant. He smiled at the

tramp and asked: "Wot you want sabbe?"

The tramp explained he was nearly starved, and


I

asked for something to eat. The Chinaman replied:

"You wait ; I see cookie." He retired to the domain of

"cookie," and, returning with the same happy smile,

asked: "You like fishee?"

The tramp replied eagerly that fish was just to his

liking, when the chink said consolingly: *

"All lite; come alound Fliday."

A Chinaman had been murdered by another of his

race, and a third chink ,had been arrested as a witness

to the deed. When the case came to trial the judge,

knowing the propensity of the Chinese for long-drawn-

out tales, notified the interpreter that he wanted no

long discourses, but simply the answer "yes" or "no"

to the questions asked. The first question asked was

whether or not he had seen the shooting. The witness

received the question through the interpreter, and then

began a stream of Chinese jabber that lasted unceas

ingly for five minutes, when the judge, interrupting,

said to the interpreter: "Cut that out. Tell him to

hush. What does he say?"

The witness smiled innocently and replied : "He

say no."

I went into a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco

and ordered a dish with a funny sounding name which

proved to be a rich stew, full of onion, bamboo shoots,

rice and a rich, dark meat, which I presumed was duck.

It did not, however, taste like duck, so I called the

Chink waiter and tried to ask him if it was duck. He

did not understand me, so I pointed to the stew and


said: "Quack! quack!" Then he understood, and his

face broke into a broad smile as he shook his head and

said: "Bow-wow!"

HAYES & JOHNSON, COMEDIANS.

"I am ^always moved at the sound of music."

"Let me play something for you at once."

"When I die I want to have graven on my tomb

stone, 'There is peace in Heaven.' "

"Hadn't you better have graven, 'There was peace in

Heaven.' "

"I trust I make myself plain."

"You don't have to. Nature attended to that for

you."

"Do I look better in widow's weeds ?"

"I don't know about your looking better, but I guess

you feel better."

"I hear your brother committed suicide." N

"Yes; he attended a Hibernian masquerade ball

dressed as a Spaniard."

"Mrs. Hotfoot, who lost her thumb in the railroad

accident, has recovered $10,000 damages."

"Why was her thumb so valuable ?"

, MYes ; it was the one she kept her husband under."

"I am always moved at the sound of music." "Let me play

something for you."

Page 49.


CLAYTON WHITE'AND MARIE STUART.

"Had my brother been drinking when you saw him ?"

"No, he hadn't been drinking; he was just leading a

three-day jag around by the hand talking to it like a

child."

"Are you going to bring me violets every day?"

"No ; I'll send you up a package of seed and you can

raise them yourself."

"If you don't marry me I shall go to the dogs."

"Don't trouble; I'll Unchain ours."

FORD AND SWOR, BLACK-FACE COMEDIANS.

"I heah your brother Bill has passed away."

"Yes ; poor Bill is no moah."

"Wot was the complaint?"

"Dere wasn't no complaint. Everybody was puf-

fickly satisfied."

"Oh, no; you don't understand me. I mean what

was the cause of his demise?"

"I don't know what made him close his dam eyes,

but he didn't open 'em no moah."

"Oh, you blockhead ; I mean of what disease did he

die?" '

"De doctah said it was er diabetes."

"I wish he had er died befoh he beat me."


"I heah dere gwine ter pass sum new game laws."

"Yes, but dey'll never feet de crap games none."

"I pass de plate in our church and de niggahs giv

accawdin to dere means."

"Yes, and dere meanness."

"I understand dey has finished your new church and

that it will be open soon."

"Yes, we is gwine ter dessicate and confiscate it next

Sunday." i

"When yer see er higgah wearing er three-dollar

Prince Albert and er wearin' a high hat it's er suh

sign "

"Dat his wife takes in washin'."

"Does you know why money is lik er secret?"

"No; why is it?"

"Kase it's hard ter keep."

RAYMOND AND CAVERLY, GERMAN COME

DIANS.

"Vell, vat haf you to say apoudt vot you did lasdt

night ven I took you oudt py der saloon. You vas a

foxy Dutchman, you vas. You drank effery dime any-

pody else dreated and neffer pought von drink your

self for nopody. Ven you couldn't drink no more you

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.S3

took cigars till you got two pockets full, and den when

you schust hadt to dreat you passed around dose cigars

vot de odder vellows had pought. Den you ate all der

free lunch you could holdt and vanted ter wrap der

rest of it up and dake it home ? Vot did you did midt

dot half-dolloar vat you hadt but neffer spendt?"

"I pought myself a house and lot at Vest Arlington

mid it."

"Vas it a bargain?"

"You bedt it vas. I pay der fifty cents down and er

nickel a veek der rest of my life."

"Did you gid er condract?"

"Vell, I hope, yes. Dere is er cat's clause in it."

"Er cat's clause. Vot is dot for ?"

"So as if you doandt like it, you can scratch it oudt."

"Vos dot all?"

"Oh, no. Vorse don dot. If I die pefore I git done

paying for it, den it goes to my widow."

"Pudt suppose you are not married?"

"Den it goes to my children."

"Vy haf you neffer married?"

"Pecause voman vos a delusion."

"Acht, Got in Himmel! I know now vy men like

to hug delusions."

"You vos swift, all right."

"Vot is swift?"

"Swift is der quickness with vich a fool and his rich

vife's money vas soon parded."

"Hadt a skiddoo omelette lasdt night."

"Vat is it, a skiddoo omelette?"

"Vy, you dake 23 eggs and beat id."


"Oh, you haf de weazels."

"Vat is de weasels?"

"Dot is a disease vot affects der memory for

chokes."

"Yes, I guess idt vas a cousin to dot odder disease,

Chestnutitis, vich affects der wocal chords and makes

people dig up jokes vot haf been det a long time."

"Now, I haf a few, dwenty-tree, conundrums for

you. A man has sefen sons. Der oldest vorks in a

shoe store and geds sigsteen per veek. Der udder

five play der races. Vot is der answer? Who pays

der putcher man ? Der answer is dwenty-dree.'*

"Is it?"

Here is anoder von."

"Vot is vos?"

"A man writes two letters. Von vos wrote to his

typewriter plonde, who vas avay on a vacation and de

odder vas to his vife, who is also avay on a vacation,

but not so eggspensively. Dwenty minutes after dey

vas mailed he reggolected dot dey vas der right letters

put in der wrong envelopes. Vich vay did he duck

to der tall pines and how long dit he stay py der shin

gle in ? Der answer is dwendy-tree."

"Vell, ve will go py some verses yet—much verse, I

guess. Here dey are vot I read in der destimonials in

der bapers."

Dear Dr. Nickel—My vife ate a pickle ;

I gafe her your tonic—it vas a boon.

I am feeling oudt of sight,


For my heart is gay and light.

Her funeral it takes place this afternoon.

Dear Dr. Gilley—Our darling little Willie,

He used to go to church or lecture hall.

He took your tonic frisky

And washed it down with whiskey.

Now he don't go to Sunday school at all.

Dear Dr. Loker, I dink you are choker;

I dink you make a monkey pissness, say:

Our father, old and crusty,

Is getting young and husky.

Ven vill dot insurance company haf to pay?

ECKERT AND BERG, COKraT>IANS

"Do you know the best cure for the blues?"

"No ; what is the best cure for the blues?"

"Paint them red."

"What is oblivion?"

"Getting married."

"Have you told your father you are engaged?"

"Yes, but not to whom; he has been sick and I want

to break the news to him gently."

"Do you believe that music is the food of love?"

I0OO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE

"Yes."

"Then we'll buy a phonograph on installments and

start housekeeping right away."

"How do you stand on the local option question; in

other words, what position do you hold regarding the

saloon ?"

"Usually the side entrance."

"If you were a widow I would not marry you."

"Why not?"

"They are always looking out for number one."

"I differ with you; I think they are looking out for

■ number two."

W. E. WHITTLE, VENTRILOQUIST.

"I did not see you in church last Sunday."

Patsy—"I guess not ; I took up the collection."

"I hear you have been ill, couldn't get your mind on

your business, couldn't sleep, had no appetite, etc."

"Yes, I have been feeling badly of late ; what would

you advise me to do?"

Patsy—"Marry the girl."

"Have you any bad habits you cannot cure?"

Patsy—"Yes, I am ashamed to say. I have."

"What are they?"

"Voting for Bryan."

"Did you ever consider thut it is better to be alone

than in bad company?"

Patsy—"Yes ! Good-bye."


MORROW AND SCHELLBERG, COMEDIANS.

"While you were in Europe did you see any ro

mantic old ruins?"

"Yes, and one of them wanted to marry me."

"How did you get into society—marry into it?"

"No ; divorced into it."

"If I were to die, you would wait for me on the other

shore, wouldn't you?"

"I guess so; I've had to wait for you everywhere

else."

RAY COX, COMEDIENNE.

I will discourse this evening just a trifle on the sub

ject of matrimony. Now don't get gloomy. Cheer up ;

the worst is yet to come. For matrimony we have

found a cure at last, so there is no need for you all to

be weeping out there in front at the mere mention of

the word. We have invented a new marriage certifi

cate, which has a divorce coupon attached, and all you

have to do is to tear off the coupon and you are free.

Isn't that nice? I knew you'd like it.

An old colored man down South, where I come from,

whom we all called Uncle Eph, decided to commit

matrimony, but he could not get into direct communi

cation with the dusky matron who had won his heart

for the reason that she was out at service some miles


away from where he lived. They had a telephone in

the house, however, and he decided to propose by

wire. He called her up and the conversation was

something like this:

I "Dat you, Mandy?"

"Yes, dis is Mandy; what's de fussness?"

"Mandy, I jest done called yer up ter ask yer ef you

would marry me?"

"Yes, suttingly I'll marry you ; who is you ?"

Well, after they were married, they had a niece from

Richmond visit them, and one evening Uncle Eph sees

her sitting on the porch with a strange coon, who had

his arm around her waist.

"Look heah, Sidonia, you bettah tell dat coon to

take his arm away from you, honey," said the old man.

Sidonia looked at him in contempt, and said : "You

bettah tell him yourself; he's a puffick stranger to me."

A peddler traveling through the country sold to

Mandy a highly colored chromo of one of the Catholic

Cardinals, in his red robes of office. She set it on the

mantel, and when Eph came in he gazed at it a few

minutes and said : "Mandy, whar you git dat picture

ob de fireman?"

Mandy gave him a look of disgust in return and re

plied: "Dat ain't no fireman, you fool niggah; dat's

Gwage Washington."

Later on Uncle Eph and his wife had a disagree

ment, and it was reported he had beaten her. An old

woman who called was sympathizing with her and

said: "Mandy, dey's get er law down yeah wot puts


er man in jail wot beats his wife. Am yer gwine ter

let 'em put Eph in de jail?"

Mandy looked at her with withering scorn and re

plied : "I doan care wot dey does wif dat niggah when

he gits out ob de hospital."

JOE DEEMING, MONOLOGIST.

I have a friend who had a saloon, but he didn't do

any business until he changed its name to "The Coun

terfeit." Now nobody can pass it. He decided to ad

vertise it a bit and made still further success. He had

the ad published in the newspaper next to the joke

column. He wanted the trade of those driven to drink.

Another fellow I know is being sued for divorce by

his wife on the ground of misrepresentation before

marriage, she claiming he told her he was well off. He

was, but he didn't know it.

Now I am going to tell you a few things about our

family doctor. He is a wonder. I saw his carriage

stop across the street the other day in front of Smith's

house, and when I saw Smith I asked him if anybody

was sick or if it was anything serious. He said it

was and that it cried all night. They say a doctor can

cure everything but an aching heart. Our doctor

cured one of them. He married the girl. A fellow I

know met me today and told me he had been drugged

and robbed last night. When I asked him why he

didn't notify the police, he said it was no use, his doe-


tor did it. Mother had indigestion and doctor told her

she must chew her food and asked what God had

given her her teeth for. She told him He didn't give

them to her ; that she bought them. He also told her

she needed rest and she asked him to look at her

tongue. He said that was what needed rest most.

She said she was worried about money, but he said he

would soon relieve her of that. He is a great doctor

all right. An old lady next door to us was just linger

ing at the gates of death, but he pulled her through.

Just befor. she died he asked her if there was any

wish she desired to communicate before dissolution

and she said: "Yes, she wished she had engaged an

other doctor." Our doctor once asked mother if father

was regular in his habits. She said only in his breath

ing. Doctor was talking the other day about an op

eration he was going to perform, and I asked him if

he thought the man could stand it. He said he had to

stand it; he was a millionaire. A man who suffered

with shortness of breath went to our doctor. He soon

put a stop to it. Doctor has some great patients, swell

people ; all of them have the dropsy. The other day he

invented a new cough syrup and he says it never fails.

He tried it on one of his patients and he coughed up

$9 he had been owing him a year or more. When

father was sick doctor came to see him every day and

he soon got well. He told the doctor he would never

forget him for saving his life, and doctor told him he

owed him for fourteen visits, and please not to forget

that also. He said father had the grip, which was

especially dangerous from the fact that it was so often


followed by dread qonsequences. Father said yes, he

expected that; his bill, for instance. An old German

across the street had been ill and doctor called to see

him. The moment his wife opened the door the doc

tor started backwards and asked, excitedly, how long

he had been dead, but his wife smiled and said he

wasn't dead, but was sitting up eating some limburger

cheese. Doctors are like millionaires, anyhow. They

take life so easy. Two doctors live next door to each

other in our block. They remind me of a double-bar

reled gur —what one misses the other kills.

AL LEECH AND THE THREE ROSEBUDS.

"Does your father ever swear?"

"We don't know; we are never in the room when

he is shaving."

"You say your uncle lived a whole year in America

and transacted business, yet never learned a word of

English?"

"Yes; he lived in Milwaukee."

"They tell me your cook only broke one dish yes

terday."

"Yes ; that's right."

"How did that happen?"

"It was the last one."

"Can either of you girls tell me what a skinflint is ?"


"Oh, yes; we all can."

"Well, then, what is a skinflint?"

"A man who has a lot of money, which he don't give

to people who haven't done anything to entitle them

to any of it."

ft

"What is that makes statesmen great?"

"Death."

"Can you girls tell me what the Great American

desert is?"

"Yes, sir. Prunes."

"Do you girls ever quarrel?"

"No; we live in a flat, and there is no room for

argument."

WALTER C. KELLY,"THE VIRGINIA JUSTICE"

"The court is now open. Dan, invoke the bene

diction."

"Oyez. Oyez. God bless the honorable court, God

bless the Honorable Judge and God bless the Com

monwealth of Virginia and the Old Dominion."

"The first case on the docket is Taylor Simms and

Amelia Brown, charged with disturbing the public

peace by using profane language and fighting upon a

public highway in violation of the statutes and peace

and dignity of the state. Dan, got that pair there?"


"Yes, Your Honor; here they are. Look like tough

niggers, too."

"Your name Taylor Simms?"

"Yes, sah, mah full name "

"Never mind your full name; I want your name

when you ain't full."

"Your name Amelia Brown?"

"Dat's mah name by mah fust husband."

"Well, that will do. What you got to say about

this Taylor?"

"Jedge, I'm jest er going ter tell truly wot happened

and no moah. I was er going elong the ribber road

last night and I done past de house where dis har

woman libs and I heard some noises wot make me

think dere wus er party going on dere—fiddlin' an

sech, jedge. So I thinks I ter mahself well, ef I doan

go obber, dey gwine ter think I stuck up. So I goes

ober and raps at de doah, real nice an' gentle like, and

I say Melia, what you all doing in heah, real nice and

perlite like. Dat niggah done cum to de doah like er

cyclone and yells right out loud at me : 'Niggah, beat

it while dem brogans is good.'

"I say, look hyar, Melie, dat ain't no way ter treat

me, and she done say, Niggah, git while yer able, fore

I done turn mah bulldog on you. Dat make me mad

an I say, Melie, ef you talk to me like dat I'm er swat

you so hard dat I'll knock you out frum under dat

Merry Widder hat you wear Sundays.

Den she say niggah, when you talk like dat ter me

ah see an open grave an er couple of grave diggers

66 IQOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

gitting busy wif you. Den she say she gwine in ter

unchain de dawg and ah just faded away, jedge."

• "Amelia, you have charged this man with assaulting

you. What did he do?"

"Jedge, dere ain't much dat niggah didn't do, and

I'm er gwine ter tell you all de truf erbout it. Dat

business erbout last night and him er trying ter butt

in on de party wuz de truf, kase he wasn't invited and

he wusn't wanted, but dis heah sault done curred dis

mawnin' in de Ivy Grove Cemetery. Ah had been tak

ing de wash home ter Mr. John Henry Stone, out near

Manchester, and was er takin er short cut home

through de cemetery, when ah comes ercross dis nig

gah putting gravel on de walk. Soon as he spied me

he yelled out, 'Hey, you flat-foot wench ! wayfoh you

not let me in dat party last night?' I done tole him

dat ah knowed how he done eat at parties and dat dis

one wasn't fur him. Den he say ah am no good and

he gwine ter scandalize mah character. Ah tell him

ef he do dere is gwine ter be one niggah crap-shooter

missing frum whar he lib. Den he say he gwine ter

slap de taste outen mah mouth. An dat he gwine ter

knock me so far dat it will cost $8 ter send me er'post-

card. Den he askt me what section of de cemetery I

prefer ter be planted in. Ah done tole him dat he wus

a wuffless niggah and ef he got gay wif me ah could

jest hear him er saying 'Good mawnin', Jedge.' Wid

dat, Your Honor, dat nigger done slam me up ergainst

er monument so hard dat ah done think de angel

gwine ter fall off de top."


i

"You say he slammed you up against the monu

ment?"

"Did he slam me ! Jedge, he done slam me s® hard

ah got 'Sacred to the Memory ob somebody' printed

on mah back right now."

"Well, how about it, Taylor?"

"Jedge, dat niggah certainly can lie. Ah done nuffin

ter her til she tried ter cut er biscuit outen mah neck

with er tin kittle and she done slandered me sumfin

awful."

"Well, I guess you all both been drinking too much.

Lock 'em up for 24 hours, Dan."

"The next case on the docket is Robert Carter. Got

him there, Dan ? He's charged with being drunk and

shooting craps."

"Heah ah is, judge, but ah ain't no crap-shooter, and

dat's me."

"Thirty days, and that's me."

"Put him back, Dan."

"Say, you big fat niggar, git out of that window ; it's

hot enough in here now; you all keepin' all the air

out."

"The next case on the docket is Violet Adams, Rose

Johnson and Magnolia Thompson, charged with dis

orderly conduct, drunkenness, profanely cursing and

swearing on a public highway, acting in an indecent

manner, fighting with the intentions to wsund, main,

injure and disfigure each other against the peace and

dignity of the Commonwealth of Virginia. (Sot that

bouquet there, Dan?"

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"Here's the bunch, judge. They are daisies."

"Well, what you all got to say about dis year riot?

Come on, Violet, tell us about it."

"Jedge, dat wusn't no riot; dat wuz jest er little

jealousy. Dat was all. We done bin ter er meeting

ub our lodge and wuz on de way home, when de dis

cussion done started erbout dem 'Merry Widder' hats.

Ah got one, jedge, and dem udder two is still er wear-

in dere sunbonnets and dats how de trouble begin.

We didn't fight, jedge, we wuz jest er pushin each

other wen dat officer cum erlong and tuk us in."

"Magnolia, you and Rose want ter say anything?"

"No, sah; we all done greed ter stick ter whatever

Violet sez."

"Oh, you all did, did you?"

"Dollar and costs each. That amounts to $3.70

each. Lock 'em up, Dan."

"The next case is that of Absolom Greentree,

charged with being drunk.

"What you got to say about the load you was toting

home, Absolom?"

"Jedge, youh honoh, ah didn't hav no load. Ah

doan dri ik. I jest done set down ter rest and fell

ersleep."

"Do you all generally take naps on the car tracks.

It's er wonder you wasn't run over and killed. And

the turnkey says he found a pint of gin in your coat

pocket."

"Yes, Jedge, but ah wasn't er gein ter drink it."

"What was you all goin ter do with it, then ?"

yO IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"Ah was jest er goin ter steep mah bread in it,

Jedge ; dat wus all."

"Ten days. Put him back, Dan."

"The next case is Mose Thomas, Antonio Giovionni

and Patrick Rafferty, charged on the oath of Officers

Ryan, Hatfield, Mason, Howard, Lee, Simpson, Bry

ant, Sylvester, Schleuter, Amos. Here it's a wonder

we didn't have to call out the militia to get you all in.

You are charged with rioting on a public highway,

fighting, disturbing the public peace, swearing on the

street, wilfully maiming and abusing each other and

a whole lot more.

"Hear Nigger Mose, I will hear you first. What

you got ter say?"

"Jedge, you honah, ah gwine ter tell you de Gawd's

truf. Ah was er mopping up Mistah Pat Griffin's sa

loon, when dat crazy Irishman cum down de street

whoopin like wild Indian and say as how we wuz er-

gwine ter kill a few niggahs jest fur fun. Ah sez go

on, Irish, you is making too much sturbance, de people

can't sleep. Den he says, 'Niggah, can't you sleep!"

and I says I certainly can't. Den he say, well, I cer

tainly gwine ter put yer to sleep and he done pasted

me one in de eye and ah didn't know nuffin fur fifteen

minutes. When ah did cum back ter dis year earf,

he wus er trying ter kill de Italian and ah did swat

him er few wif de mop."

"What have you to say, Tony?"

"Please, Meester Jedge, I keepa da fruit stand.

Nicea banana a finea fruit. Alla nicea ripe."


"Here, don't go boosting your stock to me. Tell me

what happened last night."

"Wella, Meester Judge, I was a standing at de fruit

stand er trying ter sell der banan, when diese Irish

man he cum erlong and starta to squeeze er der banan

and I say, 'Pleeze, Mister St. Patrick, don't squeeze

er der banan. Squeeze er der cocoanut.' Den he say

he want ter buy some of der banan and he pick up

some of de green ones and I say doan't take a dey

greena ones, greena no good. Den, Judge, I don't

know what a da happen next. I falla behind de

stand."

"What have you to say, Rafferty?"

"Judge, your honor, I was going home lasth night

a sick man. Thinks I to myself, Patrick, maybe a

little fruit will make you feel better, so I goes up to

this dago's stand and starthed to pick out a few ba

nanas, when he tells me not to squeeze the bananas,

but to squeeze a cocoanut. Then he picks up a green

banana and sez they are no good, that nothing green

is any good. With that he drew a knife on me and

the nigger started at me with the mop, and I was run

ning fur me life, when the officers came up and ar

rested me."

"I don't believe a word any of you three been tell

ing me. Thirty days each. Dan, lock them up."

"Hey, Mr. Brown, ef you all gwine ter see dat circus

parade, it's jest up at de next block."

"Dan, hold that bunch of niggers over until tomor

row; I got to see the circus parade. Court's ad

journed."

72 ieO® LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

OTTO BROTHERS, GERMAN COMEDIANS.

"I can hardly stand my feet on, Osgar, I feel like I

must jiggle (jigs a few steps). How do you like id?"

"R-r-rottenness ! You fall der stage all ofer. Vot

makes you trip so muchness, Adolph?':

"Dot iss der folt of my feet."

"Yess, I see dey wass vedded bud nod mated. Vot

iss der ailing mit dem ?"

"Von of my toes is a light fantastig."

"Took my advices."

"Und vot iss he?"

"Went to der harness store un haf dem fit you mit

toe weights."

"Better I voult haf my nails clinched. Observation

me closeness vile I do a Highlant fling." (Dances).

"Vell, you dit not fling dot von ferry far. Can you

woltz?"

"Sure. Like a ball of yarn."

"Blease make no notions store. For why like a yarn

ball?"

"Becoss it vinds arount, arount, arount."

"Ef you hat der properly kint of shoes, I shoult say

you might make me a clog dancing."

"Dese are clog shoes."

"Dey look like ash-barrel Oxfords."

"Vell, dey are clogs. I dropped dem in der reser-

voyer vonce, und dey seemed to clog der vater sub-

bly."

"Schottische me a few shots."

"All righd. Get me some ammunootion."

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.73

"Und dot iss?"

"A can of foot powder, ha, ha, ha !"

"Can you did a buck und ving dance?"

"Nod so wellness. I dried to ving dance vonee, bud

I vass in such a flutter my fedders fell."

"Vot iss your spekialty?"

"Der East Indian egg dance, bud I haf no eggs."

"Oh, go ahead. Der gallery vill furnish der eggs."

"In dot case I refusal to berform mitouid der aid of

a net."

"Dry a fandango."

"Ferry vell. Has der audience anyboty got a palm

leaf fan. No?"

"Voult you oblitch mit der lancers?"

"Yess, but fairst I haf to haf a boil. Howefer, gif

me your faforite brand of nickel zigars und I vill ac

commodation mit a torch dance."

"Blease a quadrille."

"All right, in a minuet."

"Vot iss der most sizzling dance you know of?"

"Vy a red-hot polka."

"Ah, bud you can nod der muscle dance."

"Can'd I? Yust feel my biceps."

"If der audience vill kindly kip id's feet anchored

we vill make dot new Zooza two-step in ragtime called

•Der Vash Rag.' "

ARTHUR DUNN AND MARIE GLAZIER.

"Will you be good?"

"Yes, if you will."


"There are two periods in a man's life when he don't

know a woman."

"When are they?"

"Before and after marriage."

"Arthur, do you love me?"

"Yes, dear."

"Will you always love me?"

"Yes, dear."

"Your love will never grow cold?"

"No, dear."

"Do you think ?"

"Say, woman, what have you gone and bought now

and ordered sent home C. O. D. ?"

"I know lots of women who haven't any sense of

humor."

"Yes, and I know lots of men who haven't any

sense at all."

"But you must admit marriage is a blessing."

"Yes; but, then, think what a lot of other things

it is."

"A man wrote me a letter yesterday and asked me

to marry him. What kind of a writer is he?"

"A joke writer."

"T am quite sure you will be delighted with your

aew dress."

"Why so?"

"Because the bill nearly knocked me senseless."


"How is it I saw a girl hugging you last night?"

"I can't imagine unless yeu were peeping through

the keyhole."

"Your father was a good man."

"Indeed he was; no three policemen could handle

him."i

"How does your brother take married life?"

"According to directions; his mother-in-law is liv

ing with him."

"Love is a disease."

"Yes, and in most instances a lingering disease."

"Why do men eat with their knives?"

"To sharpen their appetites, I guess."

MELVILLE AND HIGGINS.

"I can't get a divorce."

"Why not?"

"Because I am not married."

"Is marriage a lottery?"

"Yes, and alimony is the capital prize."

"I am riding an electric motor car."

"Mine is hydraulic."

"What?"

"Yes, I'm riding the water wagon."

IOOO 'laughs from vaudeville.

"What do you think of my new hat?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen the bill yet."

"Do you believe matches are made in Heaven?"

"I guess so; I don't think they need them in the

other place."

"Did you ever forgive an enemy?"

"Yes, once."

"What prompted that noble action?"

"He was bigger than me."

"What would we do if we saw ourselves as others

see us?"

"We would not believe it."

A VAUDEVILLE FABLE. BY JACK NOR-

WORTH, "THE COLLEGE BOY."

Once or twice upon a time there lived a female sin

ger. She was a lady. She was a lady because she

didn't have to tell everybody that she was. She had

been in vaudeville from the time it was low down

variety up to the present stage, where it is called Vode

Veal. She had a dandy voice. She could knock the

tar out of a coon song and when it came to chirping

a ballad, she was there. The audience liked her be

cause they could understand every word she said.

She had been head-lined at Pastor's three times, and

never played South Bend. She never took less than

five bows no matter where she was on a bill. After

she had a strangle hold on the American vaudeville


patrons, that Nell Melba wouldn't have sneezed at,

some kind friend went and told her that while her

enunciation was bully, still there were times when she

sang flat and did not breathe properly. Dear, kind

friend also stated that she should lay off for a whole

year and take vocal lessons. No sooner had this idea

got firmly planted in the singing lady's brain than

she proceeded to act on it. She cancelled all her en

gagements for a solid year, took a flat in New York

and commenced to pass out the' root of all evil in large

sized chunks. She took three doses of vocal instruc

tion each week at $100 a copy. Her instructor used to

live next door to Herr Conried, and consequently

knew all the latest didos for the voice. The singer

worked hard and at the end of the year she could bat,

out a high C that was a dinger, and as for singing

"Queen of the Roses" and "Zendo"—nothing to it.

You couldn't tell what she was singing about, but that

didn't matter, because she had a cultivated pair of

pipes. She booked some time in vaudeville and the

expectant public said welcome to our city. As she

walked on the stage for her first appearance after her

year's study, the audience settled back in their seats

and said: "Here's where we get the big musical treat

of the season for 10, 20 and 30, with a few rows re

served at 50 cents." She started in to sing. They lis

tened very attentively. It. listened good, but what

was it all about? Several looked through their pro

grams to see if the words were printed there. Stung.

One kid in the gallery sang out, "Nix on that ; sing us a

coon song, or else beat it." The singer gave one re


proachful look at the gallery that had always been

there with a large applause, and, midst the wildest

kind of a stillness, she snuck off the stage a frost.

Moral : Never meddle with the pack after the cards

have once been shuffled.

FELIX AND CAIRE—CONVERSATIONAL

COMEDY.

"Young doctors are queer propositions."

"How so?"

"They are exceedingly good-tempered, yet they lack

patients."

"My, but you have a washed-out look!"

"Quite possible ; I used to work in a laundry."

"Why is it women so seldom make their wills?"

"They don't have to make them; they have them

all ready made."

"My business has gone to the wall."

"What business are you in?"

"I'm a paperhanger."

"Will you love me when I am old?"

"That is a question to be decided by gray matter."

"Time is money."

"Hard times aren't."


"Do you find dancing for the stage difficult?"

"I should say not; it's just as easy as falling off the

water wagon."

"Experience is the best teacher."

"I know it; I used to play the races."

"I have always dreaded premature burial."

"Don't worry; that can't bury you too soon."

LEO DONNELLY—THE MONOLOGUE MAN'S

TROUBLES.

Talk about your talk abouts! This monologue

game in a community that hasn't been broken in to

the dress-suit variety is the limit. I have been about

everything that a young American with red blood and

a desire to see the lively side of the world could be.

In turn, I have been cow puncher, a rough rider in the

war with Spain, a "jacky" in the Navy, a comic opera

impresario in Cuba, a newspaper man, an actor, the

proud owner of a cafe, and various other pursuits

which I am both too prosperous and proud to mention.

Case-hardened doesn't begin to describe my mental

condition until this monologue thing came off. Noth

ing short of a dynamite explosion under my ivory

couch I thought would jar me. Yet here I am with

frazzled nerves and subdued egotism nursing the sor

est spot in all my memory.


Pottsville! A few months ag® I didn't knew yeu

were on the map. Now you stand for everything that

is cruel, unsympathetic and brutal. You have wrecked

the hauteur of one of the proudest souls in Philadel

phia. It is a sad story, my children. Listen as I tear

a yard or two of it from my blistered memory. I had

beaten together a monologue that I thought and am

still convinced was the goods. I had told it to many

a sour face, and had seen the lines of surliness soften

to toleration, then to amusement and finally to curve

upward in crackling laughter.

"Gadzooks and likewise odds bodkins!" said I to

myself; "I shall gather some kale with this stuff."

A friend who thought pretty well of the stuff got

busy and obtained for me an engagement with an

agent who has a string of up-state vaudeville houses.

This agent said before sending me out :' "I have given

you four weeks of a start—one each in Pottsville, Ma-

honey City, Hazleton and Carbondale. If you make

good—mind now, if you make good—then I'll try

to get you a week in Chester;" and as he held

this glittering bait before my eyes, he thrust

his thumbs in the arm-pits of bis vest and blew smoke-

rings to the ceiling.

"Fine and dandy, for a start. Not Keith's, of course,

but a beginning. A friend who'd been over the exten

sive circuit named by the agent advised me to wear

green whiskers and carry a slap-stick, but I scorned

the advice.

"Navair'r're," I exclaimed, "I have a persaaality.

Never shall it be said that Leo Donnelly sullied the

IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE. Si

fair art that Henry Irving, Coquelin and ethers of

their class have made illustrious. Never shall it "

- "Tut, tut," said my friend sententiously, "you've

been through a war or two, but you have yet to play

Pottsville in evening clothes."

Well, he was wise and I was otherwise. I blew into

Pottsville on the afternoon of a rainy day. Miners

from St. Clair, Cumbola, Palo Alto and other fair sub

urbs of Pottsville clustered together and decorated

the floor with their favorite brands of fine cut. I

rushed on in my most debonnaire manner and ripped

off a lot of rapid-fire, get-the-laugh-quick stuff, ex

pecting each moment to be interrupted by uproarous

applause. Nary a burst ; nary a laugh ! It was hard,

oh brothers, it was hard. With entreating smiles, I

turned from face to face in that stolid crowd as joke

after joke fell from my lips. They only sat and

glared.

At eight o'clock I went on again, but nary a smile

did I get. To go on again at nine and tell the same

stuff to the same people who did not laugh at eight

was a little too much, but I was game. Possibly they

thought that I was only rehearsing at eight.

I wondered why the people stayed from eight to

nine, but I was told that they were waiting for more

pictures, which were also there. Pictures at this place

makes art look like a broken-down snow plough in

August.

There were two drummers in the audience who

seemed to enjoy my chatter, so I very promptly ig

nored the rest of the people and played to them.


$n At the hotel, after the show, these same drummers

congratulated me and told me I was immense I

learned subsequently that these drummers were good

^.iitmart fellows and sold a lot of goods.

That's about all.

FELIX AND CAIRE, CONVERSATIONAL

COMEDY.

"Your mother has six or eight new boarders, hasn't

she?"

"Yes; how did you know?"

jgr "I saw her in market yesterday buying a half-pound

more of everything."

"Why don't you keep your hair combed?"

"I have no comb."

"Why don't you buy a comb?"

"Because then I'd have to keep my hair combed."

"I met such a polite gentleman on the street yester

day. I ran my umbrella into his eye and apologized

and he said: 'Don't mention it; I have another eye

left.' "

"Did you get home last night before the storm ?"

"Sure; there is never any storm at my house until

I do get home."

"How is it I saw the policeman hugging you last

night?"

1000 LAUGHS FR0U VAUDEVILLE. 83

"I don't know unless you peeped through the key

hole."

"There is only one thing in this world, after all."

"What is it?"

"Money."

"Oh, yes; there is something else."

"What is it?"

"More money." i

"Shakespeare says man has seven ages., but woman

has only three."

"What are they?"

"Sixteen, nineteen and twenty-four."

"What Is an alibi?"

"It's a man not being where he was."

"How do I look in this Merry Widow hat?*

"Under it, you mean."

"Yes."

"Well, you look very small."

"Does your wife support you?"

"No, but she holds me up every pay day."

"There is a man simply crazy about me."

"Is he? Why not make him take something for it?"

"He is going to take something."

"What?"

"Me."

84 IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE

"Does your wife talk in her sleep?"

"No; in mine."

"Are you a believer in war?"

"Yes ; I am married."

"What do men mean by the bitter end?"

"The last of a five-cent cigar."

WILLA HOLT WAKEFIELD, PIANOLOGIST.

"AIN'T HE THE LIMIT, NELLIE?"

(The Chorus Girl's Wail.)

He wants me to give up me stage career,

To cut out me cigarettes and beer,

And to go to school for about a year.

Ain't he the limit, Nellie?

The bubbly water he says must go,

And those lobster things that I love so;

Say, wouldn't he have me awful slow?


He says he intends to marry me,

And convert me into a grand la-die ;

But not for mine, I can't see it, nixee.


1000 LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

I think I will have to say skidoo,

It can't be that he loves me true.

He wants too much, like all men do.


If that guy was so stuck, you see,

He wouldn't want no change in me,

As I am, not as he'd have me be.


And then the spotlight would never shine

On me Venus figger wot's called divine;

That married life dope is not for mine.

Ain't it the limit, Nellie?

Say, Nell, you've heard of this wishing thing J

Just wish and somebody sure will bring

Whatever you want—most anything.


Well, I was out with the swellest Guy ;

So I says to myself a wish I'll try,

And I wished for champagne—I was awful dry.

Wasn't that the limit, Nellie?

I thought at first 'twas the old-time steer,

Where you hanker for wine and get only beer,

With the bum excuse that fizz is too dear.


Well, I kept on wishing the whole darned way ;


I wished every step to that swell cafe.

Till "A bottle of wine" I heard him say.

Well, that was the limit, Nellie.

Then I started to wish for his bank roll fat,

And a big pearl pin in his red cravat ;

Well, that's where me wishing fell down flat.

Wasn't that the limit, Nellie?

So I says to myself men is all alike,

Sometimes they plunge, but more often pike;

So I think all alone through this life I'll hike.


And it's twenty-three with this marriage game,

Where their ain't no papers to print yer name,

Nor no Sunday Telegraph picture fame.


THORNE & CARLETON, CONVERSATIONAL

COMEDIANS.

"I have never loved before."

f "Well, I'm not running a kindergarten."

"I can remember the day when you said the word

that was to make me happy for life."

"Yes ; but you said the wrong word.",

j

"You looked so absent-minded when I saw you this

morning."


' "Yes ; I was wrapped up in my own thoughts."

"My, but it is a wonder you didn't catch your death

of cold."

"I tell you it is endurance—staying quality—that

makes a man in this world."

"Then you ought to be a howling success."

"Was I sound asleep last night?"

"If there was half as much sleep as sound you

were."

"Do you believe raw oysters are healthy?"

"I never heard of one of them complaining of being

sick."

"It is deeds, not words, that count."

"Not when you send a telegram."

"Why do they call certain convicts 'trusties'?"

"Because most of them were formerly connected

with trusts."

"Why don't you and my brother John get together,

shake hands and be friends?"

"I owe him too much money."

"I once knew a man who really enjoyed moving."

"You did?"

"Yes; he lived in a houseboat."

"What do you grow in your garden?"

Tired."


"I never deny my wife a wish."

"I didn't know you were that wealthy."

"I don't have to be wealthy; it don't cost me any

thing when she wishes."

"Haven't I seen your face somewhere before?"

"Yes ; that's where I generally carry it."

"No, on the level, haven't I met you somewhere?"

"Likely; I generally keep on the level, for I hate

climbing hills."

"Now I mean on the square."

"Yes, I was always on the square."

"Now, no joking; were you not in London last

year?"

"Yes."

"Stopped at the Hotel Cecil?"

"Yes."

"Well, I was in Australia last year."

"You inherited your laziness from your father?"

"No, I didn't; he's got his yet."

"I often wonder, considering your age, why you

have that big bald spot on your head."

"Will you keep it a profound secret if I tell you

why?"

"I faithfully promise I will."

"Well, my hair fell out."

"D» y®u believe love is a disease?"

"Yes; lingering and incurable."

IOOO LAUSHS FROM VAUDEVILLE. 89

"How do you take married life?"

"According to directions. My mother-in-law is liv

ing with us."

"Don't you think she has beautiful teeth?"

"Yes; they're like the stars in heaven—out every|

night."

"This morning," says the female member of the

team, "I saw my maid Henrietta kiss you on the fore

head."

"Well," responds the man, "what of it? Didn't 1

call her down?"

"I dreamed I was married last night."

"Were you happy?"

"Yes—when I woke up."

"Say, I almost saved a lot of money at the races."

"At the races?"

"Yes. ' A man told me he had a good thing."

"Well, did he?"

"Um-hum! I was it."

"You didn't have very good luck at the race track,

did you?"

"Oh, yes ; fine yesterday." }

"Yesterday?"

"Yep! I didn't go out."

"Now, you go straight home."

9*IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I live around the corner."

"Well, all you did when you boarded here, anyhow,

was to growl."

"Why wouldn't I growl? All we got to eat was

sausage."

And then the male member of the team lapses into

yerse. This is the result:

"Willie went to tack the carpet

And he gave his thumb a jam,

Which made Willie very angry,

And he softly murmured:

Mother! Mother!

Bring the liniment!"

No More in Stock—Farmer Gives His Progressive

Son-in-Law Warning.

A farmer who had wedded and buried four wives,

all sisters, went to call on his father-in-law. The old

gentleman, who was rather deaf, had still one daugh

ter left to him—Lizzie.

Said the visitor:

"I want Lizzie."

"Hey?"

"I want you—to give me—Elizabeth."

"Oh, you want me to give you Elizabeth?" What

for?"

"I want to marry her."


"Hey?" .

*I want—to—marry—her."

"Oh, I can hear you. You needn't let all the neigh

bors know what you've come round here for."

"Well, can I have her?"

"Yes" said the old gentleman, after a reflective

pause. "She's the last, but you can have her. You've

had 'em all now, my boy. But if anything happens to

that poor, misguided girl I give you fair warning you

needn'd come and ask for the old woman, because you •

won't get her."

He Needed It—Actor Who Stopped Too Soon to Get

the Other Boot.

Some provincial touring companies make a profit

from their audiences in more ways than one.

Such a company was playing "The Broken Vow" in

a small town.

The audience didn't appreciate the performance, and

eggs, cabbages and potatoes rained upon the stage

with striking persistency.

Still the play went on. The hero raved and tore his

hair, dodging the bouquets of turnips that were also

forced upon him.

Finally a gallery auditor, in a paroxism of rage,

hurled a heavy boot, and the actor, thoroughly

alarmed, started to retreat.

"Keep on playing, you fool," hissed the manager

from the wings, as he hooked in the boot with an um

brella. "Keep on till we get the other one."

92 ( 1000 LAUGHS *R0M VAUDEVILLE.

In a town in Lebanon county, Pa., where everything

is up to date and the ladies are always planning some

hew scheme, a strange thing happened. A "White El

ephant" party was announced, and each guest was re

quested to bring something that she could not find any

use for and yet too good to throw away.

The party would have been a great success but for

an unlooked for development, which broke it up.

Eleven of the nineteen women brought their husbands.

A philanthropic man heard the other day of a family

who were in extreme financial stress. He took a trip

around to the poor, miserably furnished home and

found the occupants were having a hard struggle to

get enough to eat. He gave three $5 bills to the gaunt,

half-starved looking mother and told her to spend it

as she thought best.

A few days later he returned to see how the family

was getting along. All the members in sight looked

poorly fed.

"Did you buy some groceries with that $15?" he

asked.

"Well, no," the mother replied, with some hesitation.

"You see, it was the first time we had had so much

money all at once, and it looked like such a good

chance that we each fixed up and had a dozen cabinet

photographs taken."

"But why did you leave your last place?" the house

keeper asked of the new would-be cook.

"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the


way the master an' the missus used to quarrel, mum.''

"Dear me ! Do you mean to say that they actually

used to quarrel?"

"Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn't me an'

him it was me an' her."

During the recent cold spell a group of men were

swapping stories of former experiences in that line.

Many of the stories were decidedly of the fish variety.

Presently one of the number apparently decided to

break up the meeting. "The weather you fellows are

talking about," said he, "is like a tropical picnic in

comparison to what I experienced in Aaska last win- "

ter. Why, one day I set a bucketful of boiling water

outside my door and it froze so quick that the ice was

warm."

A village doctor, whose most troublesome patient

was an elderly woman practically on the free list, re

ceived a sound rating from her one day for not coming

when summoned the night before.

"You can go to see your other patients at night,"

she said; "why can't you come when I send for you?

Ain't my money as good as the other people's?"

"I don't know, madam," was the reply ; "I never saw

any of it."

An old negro was recently brought before a

justice in Dover. It seemed that Uncle Mose ha4

fallen foul of a bulldog while in the aet of entering

the henhouse of the dog's owner.


"Look here, Uncle Mose," the justice said, "didn't I

give you ten days last month for the same thing?

Wasn't it the same henhouse you were trying to get

in? What have you to say for yourself?"

Uncle Mose scratched his head. "Marse Willyum,

yo' sent me ter de pen fer tryin' to steal some chickens,

didn't ye?"

"Yes; that was the charge."

"An' don't the law say yer can't be charged twic«

with the same 'fense?"

"That no man shall be twice placed in jeopardy for

the identical act—yes."

"Den, sah, yo' des hab ter let me go, sah. Ah war

after de same chickens, sah!"

During a trial in West Chester a young physician was

called as a witness. Counsel for the other side, in

cross-examining the youthful medico, gave utterance

to several sarcastic remarks tending to throw doubt

upon the ability of so young a practitioner.

One of the questions was : "You are entirely familiar

with the symptoms of concussion of the brain?"

«T >»l am.

"Then," continued the cross-examiner, "suppose my

learned friend, Mr. Taylor, and myself were to bang

our heads together, would we get concussion ®f the

brain?"

"Your learned friend, Mr. Taylor, might," suggtstctf

the young physician.

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One Thousand Laughs From Vaudeville