FWM 2011 10

Fall 2011

2 Fall 2011 familyworks.org

Fall 2011

APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: [email protected]

Sponsorship Information: Doug Silberstein Phone: (415) 492-1022 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]

Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]

Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2011 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: [email protected].

Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-SmithEditor: Lew TremaineMarketing: Doug SilbersteinArt Director/Website: James WrightWeb Publisher: Art SeverePrinted by: S.F. Offset

FamilyWorks® Board of Directors:Anjana Berde, PresidentPaul Ricken, Vice PresidentMark Clark, SecretaryMaria Villani, TreasurerBlake PenningtonVicky SmirnoffRita Trumbo

3 Helping Kids Cope with Loss During the Holidays By Pat Saunders, MA, MFT

7 Separated Parents and Mutual Antagonism By Gary Direnfeld, LCSW

8 Delicious Foods Organic and Affordable By Sheila McNulty

APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Parenting Programs

12 FamilyWorks Interactive Therapy

13 Therapy Services 14 Developmental Disabilities Services

This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license.

Content is the responsibility of FamilyWorks.

awarded to

FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks®

Read us on-line at familyworks.org/magazine

16 Celebrate the Holiday Season 2011 Great Dickens Fair

18 Wet No More by Renee Mercer, RN, PNP

22 School Directory

4 Too Much Togetherness? By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith MA, RN, MFT

Fall 2011 3familyworks.org

While adults may readily rec-ognize and expect to experience grief, it is important to be on the alert for signs of grief in your children. Mistakenly, some people assuming children are too young to experience the “complicated” feelings of grief. In reality, children and adolescents feel things every bit as deeply as adults and need care and sup-

port to navigate their way through the experience of loss. They may, however, show their grief in different ways.

How Children May React to Loss:

dActing out is a way of externally expressing feelings like anger and guilt is actually an attempt to manage the painful situation that the child cannot change or control. Be on the alert for violent play or dangerous risk-taking/

destructive be-haviors.

dConfusion and inabi l i ty to concentrate making it diffi-cult for the child to focus and ac-complish his/her schoolwork.

dRegressing may have a child asking to sleep in the parent’s

“’Tis the season to be jolly”…or is that an expectation that doesn’t match the realities for your family? This has been a tough year for many. Some families have experienced losses that make it difficult to feel the excitement of the holiday season. Perhaps there has been the passing of a loved one or a beloved pet. Maybe a family member lost a job or their home to unmanageable mortgages. And, under the burden of these losses, some marriages may have broken down. The impact of these losses meant change that was difficult, leaving feelings of joy out of reach.

Patricia Saunders is a licensed Marriage

and Family Therapist specializing in families,

parenting, and co-parenting. She is the Director of

Therapeutic Programs at APPLE FamilyWorks.

By Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT Helping Kids Cope

With Loss Duringthe Holidays

Remember that

grief is a process,

not an event. Allow

the child to grieve

in the time and way

that works best for

him/her.

continued on page 6


Too Much Togetherness?

I love friends. I love family.

I love my spouse, children, and grandchildren.

I am grateful to have so many people in my life and I look forward to all our gatherings. All that said, sometimes I just want to be with my husband, a friend, or, heaven forbid, alone. But I sometimes notice feelings of guilt creeping in at those times when I need “alone-time”

Over the years, working as a therapist with individuals, couples and families, I have found that I am not alone in feel-ing guilty. In fact, I have found that a lack of taking alone-time is a root cause of a great deal of tension and misunder-standing in many families, particularly if you are the one who wants alone time and the other person, or group, wants you to join them. How is it that in a world that values individual choice, that so many of us face this dilemma?

ing a lot of “together- time”, it is very helpful to ask ourselves these questions: How much time do I want to myself? How much time do I want within any group – with friends of the same gender, the opposite gen-der? How much time do I really want to spend with one individual? – How much togetherness is too much?

Societal ExpectationsAs we grow up, it is a natural part of

our socialization to want to “fit in” to societal norms. As a result, we tend to overlook or neglect what feels right and good for ourselves. It’s not that we don’t have some thoughts and feelings on the subject -- it’s just that we are more likely to make our choices based on what we liked and didn’t like in our family, group, or culture of origin and be guided by what we have been led to believe we “should want” or “should do”.

Messages from our Body

In the long run, if we ignore our own needs, our body will send us signals of distress: Our stomach, head, and muscles ache. Our immune system is compro-mised by cortisol and norepineph-rine coursing through our bodies.

We may have a poor diet or use alcohol and other drugs to “fix” our mal-

aise. Our heart speaks with skipped beats, high blood pres-

sure, and heaviness in our chest. Our mind goes into primitive “dino-saur brain” mode to seek reasons why we feel trapped, anxious, unfulfilled, frustrated, sad*, annoyed, angry, and hopeless. (* Please note that prolonged feelings of sadness and hopelessness can indicate clinical depression and should be addressed by a professional.)

Should/Ought TrapsWhen we too often ignore our own

needs for those of others, we might project our angry feelings outward on others or blame ourselves as being fundamentally flawed, selfish, demand-

ing, and uncaring. “He/she never...”

IT’S THE HOLIDAY SEASON: HALLOWEEN,

THANKSGIVING, HANuKKAH, KWANZA,

CHRISTMAS. WHO CAME uP WITH THIS PLAN? COuLDN’T WE HAVE

SPREAD OuT THE TOGETHER TIME JuST A

LITTLE BETTER?

Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is the founding

executive director of APPLE FamilyWorks.

By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA

Time for oneself, is even more elusive when the holidays arrive and family from around the planet come to be with you. I have found that, when we are fac-


Varying NeedsIt is often hard to understand why

someone so close to us may want and need something so very different, but it is more common than you may real-ize. Some people thrive on being in the company of several other people. They love group activities, and have little need for one-on-one time with another person, or time by themselves. Others find it draining to be in a group for more than an hour or two. They prefer one-to-one conversations, or they may prefer solo time most of all. What is important to know is that these differ-ences don’t indicate a poor match be-tween partners, friends, and/or family. These differences just indicate different relational styles.Duck Dependency Acknowledge Relationship’s “Threes” and “Teens”

Early on in relationships, pleasing the other person comes naturally. We adapt to the dependent nurturing needs of the other. We compromise.

Every relationship has its “teens” times in which independence and per-sonal power are core issues. Think back to when you or your children were teens and their demands for independence.

Remember the lack of interest in com-plying and cooperating?

During these times, when our needs and those of our partner, family or friends don’t mesh, our building an-noyance at being disrespected spills over onto our partner.

Duck Dependency Disasters

The key to healthy relationships is a balance between dependence and in-dependence in the relationship, so that healthy interdependence (sharing, col-laborating, compromising) is possible. When it is clear that you need more respect for your independent thoughts, feelings and actions, here are some tips to duck dependency disasters: • Assure your loved ones

Clarify that your desire for more independence does not indicate that you fail to care about the other person. Help him/her to understand that, when people take renewal time, everyone feels more “whole” and time together will be enriched.• Avoid Should/Ought Traps

For your own sake, write down in positive language your thoughts/beliefs that counter the thought traps. Have an open discussion about the traps, allow-ing each person to thoroughly share their viewpoint before the other takes their turn. Know that you will not nec-essarily be in agreement, and that this is fine. Neither agree nor disagree with the other’s thoughts. The reason for your tension often resides in trying to suppress or eliminate these differences. • Dare to Dream

Have each person answer a series of questions about how he/she would spend time outside the relationship or family and write down the answers. Begin with a large chunk of time and then jot down your dreams for succes-sively less time alone (one month, 3 weeks, 2 weeks, 1 week, 3 days, 1 day, 4 hours). Then ask the same time frame

“He/she always ... “ “I can’t...” “He/she won’t let me... “ “No matter what I do it is never enough.” When we are caught in “dinosaur brain,” should/ought traps miss the big picture and often cause us to repeat the same behaviors that are creating our sense of doom.

Are there any should/ought traps below that are familiar to you or your family of origin? • If he/she cared about me he/she wouldn’t be away. • I should wand to be with friends and family. • Devoted partners should enjoy working side by side all day and evening. • A loving parent should focus all his/her time on family. • If he/she really loved me he/she would help me work out my problems. • If someone really cares about me, he/she should know what I need. • At night, I should easily shift from my work role as an authority to an equal role with my partner, room mate, or spouse. • I shouldn’t be selfish and take a full day to myself.

continued on page 21


Things You Can Do To Help with Loss

Through the Holiday Season

Loss of a Loved One or a Pet Keep a picture on the mantel

or in the family room and decorate the frame for the season. Create an altar decorated for the season that honors the loved one/pet.

Loss of FinancesCreate “homemade” gifts for

friends and family – perhaps baked goodies or works of art. Create coupons of “service’ that the child can do for others – doing dishes, mowing the lawn, running errands for family members, etc.

Loss of a Home and Contact with Neighbors/School Friends

Take some of the homemade goodies to the old neighbors and friends. Make and send seasonal cards with your child and write personal notes in each. Get a group together and go around the old neighborhood singing carols.

Loss of a MarriageWhenever possible, keep in con-

tact with the extended family and allow the child access to the other parent and grandparents.

d E n c o u r a g e their questions:

B e r e s p e c t -ful and willing to help the child find the answers to their questions. Give them the op-portunity to tell you how they experience what has happened–be a good listener. Read stories to children and allow them to project their feelings onto the characters -- this opens up a dialogue that is important to their process. Play can be very helpful – clay, drawing, or imaginary play allows the child to make the feelings more real.

d Allow adequate time for grief: Remember that grief is a process,

not an event. Allow the child to grieve in the time and way that works best for him/her. Give them the time, space, and encouragement to share their feelings with you. The greater the extent of the loss a child or adolescent suffers, the harder it may be to process and recover. It can be exhausting for parents, espe-cially when they are managing their own grief. Engage the help of extended family in establishing multiple support options for the child – and for you.

d Stay loving and playful: No matter what kinds of loss, hugs

and kisses can ease the pain (honor what kind of touch the child wants and honor their boundaries). Remember to make some time to “clown” around; laughing releases good endorphins.

d Take care of your own need to grieve: You’ve heard it before whenever you

take an airplane trip: Put your oxygen mask on first and then put it on the child. Adults will be far more able to help children work through their grief if they get help themselves.

bed, wanting to be held more, or having trouble with tasks that, before the loss, they could handle easily.

dDeep feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, while common and expected, need monitoring to rule out and manage the possible development of depression. Be on the alert for threats to hurt themselves or others.

dShock can sometimes look like a lack of feelings, but the feelings are there. It is often a way to avoid the overwhelming pain. Be on the alert for total withdrawal from people.

dAsking a lot of questions, or the same questions repeatedly, is an attempt to integrate a situation that is almost impossible for the child to believe or accept.

dExperiencing physical symptoms such as, eating a lot or too little, in-ability to sleep, or sleeping more, night-mares, tummy aches, or urine/bowel accidents are common. If worrisome behavior lasts for a prolonged period, seek professional advice.

Helping a Child Suffering a Loss:

dBe honest with your children: Children are smart and sensitive

to what goes on around them, so be-ing honest with them will help them through their transition. Keep informa-tion at a level that the child can under-stand. Let them guide you about what clarifications or additional information they need. Remember, each child is different and his/her view of the world is unique.

Helping Kids Cope with Losscontinued from page 3


Chil-dren of these parents go back and forth between them. They are the emissaries. They provide the fodder for parental complaints. Their secret mission is to keep the parental relation-ship alive and even though in conflict, parental conflict still signals a parental connection.

As these children inform each parent of the goings on with the other, neither parent is apt to redirect them from delivering their messages. Thus both parents can claim that the messages are non-solicited and certainly not coerced. Being children, and particularly when young, the messages are distorted and reflect a child’s perspective. However, the parents take the messages as gospel and the child’s perception as clear and accurate statements of fact.

one antagonizes the other, they escalate their respec-tive behaviors and the child lives on a d i e t o f acrimo-ny.

T h e c h a l -l e n g e from a t h e r a -p e u t i c p o i n t o f view is to get both parents to disengage, to leave each other alone, recognizing it is the antagonism that drives them both and that is the truly toxic part to the child. While parents may concern

SEPARATED PARENTS

AND MUTUAL ANTAGONISM

BY GARY DIRENFELD, L

CSW

A child, unsatisfied with the other parent’s dinner meal,

complains of being starved. Next, unsatisfied with the bedtime, a child

complains of cruel punishment, be-ing sent to bed early. Sometimes

innocuously, a child merely comments or muses about

the behavior of a parent’s new partner and the other parent is racked with fear about the goings on of the other. Mountains are made of molehills. Sin-ister plots and outcomes

are seen in every instance and one parent cannot re-

sist intervening on the other for the sake of the child. The

intruded upon parent however, seeks privacy and certainly denies

any and all allegations. The fight is on and while the parental connection is kept alive, the children are subject to anger, hostility, and conflict.

Making matters worse is when one parent leads his or her life with a sense of entitlement. Not only is what I am doing fine, but I am entitled to parent as I see fit and I am certainly entitled to be happy, date, develop new relation-ships, expose my kids to my new relationships, and enjoy the company of new compan-ions by day and by night.

So, on the one hand we have a parent who is self-centered and on the other hand, a parent who can-not resist taking the bait and escalating matters. The dynamic is toxic and as



2. Cook at HomeIt’s less expensive than going out

to eat. If you have children, think of allowing each child to be the family chef once a week. Take her/him shop-ping for organic ingredients, watch them cook, and enjoy being served. It’s fun, saves money, and helps kids build great life skills, too!

3. Buy in BulkBuying organic in bulk doesn’t

necessarily mean you’re purchasing in huge quantities. On the contrary, you can buy as little or as much as you need. Getting just the right amount reduces waste, thus reduces expense. Plus, bulk is more afford-able and uses less packaging. Tip: reuse your empty glass pasta jars and fill with bulk organic oatmeal and organic raisins to make your kids an affordable, wholesome breakfast.

Delicious FoodsOrganic & Affordable

By Sheila McNulty

1. Eat in SeasonOrganic produce bought in season is

priced lower, travels a shorter distance, and tastes better.

Would you like to know how to stretch your food

dollars and become organically frugal?

With some planning and careful shopping, buying organic food can fit in a modest household budget. Begin by making a list of all the staples you do have and look through your cookbooks, or go online. To help you with meal planning, check your favorite resources for recipes. Once you know what food is in your kitchen and have an idea of what you’re shopping for, here’s how to buy organic foods on a family budget:


4. Check Out Good Earth’s Re-pack Section

We buy in large quantities from our suppliers and re-pack in smaller sizes to pass the savings along to you. Dried organic mangos are a kid favorite!

5. Make Animal Protein the Side Dish

Serve pasture-raised, grass-fed meats, organic poultry, and sustain-able seafood in smaller amounts with a larger portion of organic vegetables and organic grains. It’s more sustain-able for the environment and your budget.

6. Check Monthly Sales Sheet

Stock up on non-perishable organic items which are on sale.

7. Comparison ShopCompare fresh, frozen, dried, and

canned varieties of organic food for the best price.

8. Eat Leftovers

Revamp organic left-overs and try to use everything you cook.

We hope these tips help and thank you for choosing to eat or-ganic!

Good Earth Natural Foods (currently located at 1966 Sir Francis Drake Blvd., Fairfax) will be opening its new store at 720 Center Blvd., Fairfax, in January. For information go to genatural.com; 415-454-0123.


www.bankofmarin.com | Member FDIC

Making a Difference

At Bank of Marin you’ll bank with people who share your same values and commitment to the community. We invite you to get to know us.

• Songs • • Chants •

• Movement •• Instrument Play-a-longs •

• Mixed-age classes •(Infant - 4.5 years)

MUSIC TOGETHEROF MARIN®

Mill Valley • Corte Madera San Anselmo • Ross • Tiburon

San Rafael • Terra Linda

Call Beth at 415.456.6630 www.musictogetherofmarin.com


We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to:

• Increase cooperation • Receive respect & appreciation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Get chores & homework completed• Enjoy time with your family • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities

Topics include:• Deciding your goals and principles • Listening completely • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Turning opposition into cooperation• Using the “New Time Out” • Knowing abilities & Temperament • Giving effective directions • Applying “When...Then”• Setting clear consequences • Creating charts & reinforcements

Four Tuesday evenings: Oct. 11 – Nov. 1, 7-9 pmRefreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

Therapy and Life Skills Center

Positive & Peaceful Parenting Classes©

Exploring Motherhood GroupsFor Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week from 10 to noon at a Marin Community ClinicNOVATO: Spanish speaking: Tuesdays; English speaking: FridaysSAN RAFAEL: Spanish speaking: Thursdays

• Share experiences, ideas, and support• Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness• Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress• Reduce anxiety and depression

Child-Centered Co-ParentingMothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details.Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to:• Deal with each other respectfully• Increase cooperation• Make co-parenting decisions calmly• Divide child-rearing tasks equitably

• Manage constantly shifting schedules• Stop tantrums and dawdling• Design consequences that work• End rudeness & backtalk

Seven Tuesday evenings: Oct. 11 – Nov. 23, 7-9 pmRefreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

familyworks.org (415) 492-0720


FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand” Ancient Proverb

FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) has been developed over three decades to help you and your family reach your life goals.

FamilyWorks trained therapist*, utilizing interviews and assessment tools, will guide you to establish your goals, identify your individual strengths, and note patterns, thoughts, and behaviors, which may be causing discomfort and frustration. Your therapist will meet with you, your partner or family members in our specially designed FIT suites as you learn and/or practice time-tested and effective skills.



You will benefit from choices of many therapeutic approaches, including state of the art technology, such as the emWave® biofeedback stress relief system, one-way mirror sessions with audio-visual feedback, and DVDs, to track and celebrate positive emotional and behavioral change. You will also benefit from easy to implement written materials to reinforce skills at work, play and home.

*Therapists are FamilyWorks Positive and Peaceful Parenting© as well as Child-Centered Co-Parenting© practitioners. Triple

P® materials are also available.


APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life.

We welcome you to join us in:• Resolving conflicts • Dealing with anxiety • Coping with transitions• Overcoming depression • Managing ADHD & ODD • Managing anger• Managing grief & loss • Improving intimacy • Regulating emotions • Enhancing social skills • Overcoming addictions • Enhancing Co-Parenting• Insuring mutual respect • Coping with separation & divorce • Reducing domestic violence

Adult and Family Therapy Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.



APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which

best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional well-being, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.

Child and Teen Therapy


Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities

Independent Living Skills

Parenting Support Services• Parenting and co-parenting

• Childbirth education

• Child development and family planning

• Behavior management and stress reduction

• Early intervention in postpartum depression

• Positive and peaceful discipline

• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise

• Household management, and transportation

• Financial management and budgeting

• Development of social support systems

• Linkage with others services

• Academic growth

• Behavior management

• Stress Reduction skills

• Injury prevention

• Nutrition

• Health promotion and exercise

• Hygiene and self-care

• Housekeeping

• Transportation skills

• Community access

• Employment readiness

• Financial management and budgeting

• Development of social support Systems

Saturday, Oct. 15, 2011CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PMFirst Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM

Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have

hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.

CPR & First Aid Classes



Serving eleven greater Bay Area Counties


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(415) 492-0720 • [email protected]

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415-453-1666

Family Dental Care

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(415) 453-1666


As the bustling streets of London, immortalized for all time by the mighty pen of Charles Dickens, form the living backdrop of your

excursion into Christmas Past, visitors become part of a Victorian Christmas card come to life!

A Bay Area tradition since 1970, the Great Dickens Christmas Fair returns to the San Francisco Cow Palace Exhibition Halls for four weekends in 2011 (including the Friday after Thanksgiving) from Friday, November 25 through Sunday, December 18, from 11am ‘til 7pm.

Created by Novato’s Ron & Phyllis Patterson, the fair is now produced by Kevin & Leslie Patterson & Red Barn Productions, who continue the family tradition of theatrical excellence through authenticity, participation, and playfulness.

ing dance troupes sporting seasonal

bells. When the bands pause for a well-earned rest, visitors can join in a lively round of “Wink” “Stagecoach,” or other Victorian parlour games.

The grand VICTORIA & ALBERT BIJOU MUSIC HALL provides visi-tors with a wealth of entertainments from which to choose. Once a day, the stage is graced by a 60-minute adapta-tion of Gilbert & Sullivan’s hilarious satire on English society and manners, The Mikado or The Town of Titipu. Twice daily, astounding theatrical feats are presented in a classic Christ-mas Pantomime entitled Aladdin & Cinderella Meet the Monkey King.

Celebrate the Holiday Seasonat the 2011 Great Dickens Fair

EntertainmentAt FEZZIWIG’S WAREHOUSE,

young Scrooge’s employer, Mr. Fez-ziwig holds his holiday celebration, and all patrons are invited to join the Dance Party! Bangers & Mash provide lively ballroom and English country-dance music, with reels, jigs, polkas, and waltzes. You might even see young Ebenezer Scrooge dancing with his sweetheart. The Siamsa Scot-tish Dancers are there as well, with lilting Highland tunes and stirring steps, joined on occasion by visit-

Also twice daily, all will marvel at the amazing feats of The West End Illusion Show and, once a day, Robert Browning tells the story of The Pied Piper of Hamelin. The scene changes at 5:00 to ‘Dickens After Dark’, when grown-ups will appreciate the more adult fare of the artistic, yet provoca-tive Saucy French Postcard Tableaux Revue (18 and over only, please).

At the FATHER CHRISTMAS STAGE, sweet caroling rings out from The Coventry Carolers and Father Christmas himself holds court beside a great toy-bedecked tree, jovi-ally inviting young lads and lasses to join him for a lasting holiday photo memento. Children’s fare abounds


with the arrival of the Toy Parade and continues with Tales from Mother Goose, and Tea with Alice and Her Friends. On the first weekend, experience the magical Word Pictures - Storytelling for All with the beguiling Mark Lewis, and on weekends 2-4, the zany antics of The Daredevil Chicken Club.

Beyond the Corinthian Rose Sporting Club, you will find the ODYSSEY THEATRE, where sensational sword-play takes the stage as Albion School of Defense presents a rousing production of The Three Musketeers! Marvel at the astonishing juggling feats of The Kondor Broth-ers. Cheer the hero and boo the dastardly villain as the Crummles Theatrical Company presents the melodramatic adventures of The Outlaw Duke.

Music and dance from around the world grace the SILK ROAD STAGE, where you might hear caroling or the sweet strains of a harp one moment, and see lively Irish, Middle Eastern, or Morris dancing the next.

Characters on the Street

Londoners who you may meet include: Scrooge and Marley or Bob Cratchit and Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol; young Oliver and dastardly old Fagin or Bill Sykes and Nancy from Oliver Twist; the noble young Nicholas and poor pitiful Smike from Nicholas Nickleby; dashing David and evil Uriah Heep from David Copperfield; Pip, Estella, and Miss Havisham from Great Expectations; or, jolly Mr. Pickwick and his Sporting Club from Pickwick Papers - not to mention the great Charles Dickens himself!

Food from Great Briton and Beyond

Bring your appetite when you visit The Great Dickens Christmas Fair - there is ever so much to eat and drink. Feast on fine foods from the British Empire and beyond! Or, enjoy a traditional English High Tea with Scones and little sandwiches - anytime is teatime in Britain!

Tickets are $25 general admission, $21 for students, seniors or members of the military and $12 for children under five. The Cow Palace is located at 2600 Geneva St. in Daly City. For information and directions visit cowpalace.com or dickensfair.com.

November 25, 2011


5

In addition to the immediate conse-quences, there are other ramifications: Your child may not be comfortable at-tending sleepovers, sleep-away camps, and some vacations, and his or her self-esteem might end up suffering. Still, you figure, what can you do other than wait it out?

According to Renee Mercer, you may be able to do more about nighttime wet-ting than you think. In fact, your child may be able to experience dry nights in as little as a few months! “Many parents think that bedwetting is something that can’t be controlled and that their child will just have to grow out of it—or they blame themselves or their child for the recurring problem,” says Mercer, a certified pediatric nurse practitioner and the author of the new book Seven Steps to Nighttime Dryness: A Practi-cal Guide for Parents of Children with Bedwetting, Second Edition. “And because many parents don’t talk to

you may occasionally wake your child and take her to the bathroom before you go to bed—especially if her pull-ups tend to leak. Also, place a clean pair of pajamas and underwear by your child’s bed to make middle-of-the-night cleanups easier.”

Wet No MoreNine Tips to Stop Bedwetting—SOON!

Renee Mercer, RN, PNP

their children’s pediatrician about bedwetting, they don’t realize that all of those assumptions are false.”

“The good news is, you can start treating bedwetting and potentially decrease how long it lasts by years,” promises Mercer. “Through a series of easy-to-tackle steps and with the help of a bedwetting alarm, you can work with your child to achieve dry nights in as little as ten weeks. So if you start now, you’ll both be able to rest easy much earlier than you ever expected.”

Make Your Job Easier Now

If you aren’t already doing so, de-crease your workload by using dispos-able pants, waterproof pads, vinyl mat-tress covers, etc. “In addition to buying products that make life just a little bit easier, you can also get into some help-ful habits,” Mercer says. “For example,

If your child stays dry during the day but wets at night, the situation is likely to be confusing and frustrating for everyone involved. You’re wondering if you’re doing something wrong. Your child is embarrassed, and you’re all missing the sleep you’d like to be getting instead of cleaning up middle-of-the-night messes.


ing too “lazy” to get out of bed. For this reason, punishing a child for bedwetting is ineffectual, and potentially harmful. “Children very, very rarely wet their beds on purpose,” confirms Mercer. “In fact, most feel frustrated, embarrassed, and upset when they wake up to wet sheets. Punishing your child for not having a dry night will only compound these feelings and hurt his self-esteem. Being encouraging and supportive is always the route to go!”

Invest in an Alarm…A Bedwetting Alarm, That is!

Unlike conventional alarm clocks, bedwetting alarms don’t ring at a pre-set time. A moisture sensor triggers the alarm, which wakes you and your child. At this point, you can make sure that your child gets up and goes to the bathroom. And after a few weeks of associating the alarm with the need to urinate, your child’s brain will begin to understand the feeling of a full bladder, and she’ll wake up on her own. “In my opinion, a bedwetting alarm is crucial if you’re serious about stopping bedwet-ting,” There are many different types and styles of alarms, ranging in price from around $60 to $200. Your goal is to find one that your child likes and accepts, and that works reliably for her.

Record Your Child’s Progress

During your efforts to achieve night-time dryness, track your child’s prog-ress from the time you start to use a bedwetting alarm. As accurately as you can, record the frequency of his bedwetting episodes, the size of the wet spot, the time the alarm sounds, and the number of dry nights in a row he achieves. Also, keep a log of what he eats and drinks, how tired he is, and if he’s sick—these things can help you identify possible bedwetting triggers. Tracking these things can help you

Get the Whole Family on Board

This isn’t just your child’s challenge to overcome—he’ll need your contin-ued help, support, and encouragement. Keep in mind that you’ll be waking up during the night as your child learns to establish a nighttime routine, as well as helping him get used to any alarms he might use and monitoring his food and liquid intakes before bed. “Committing as a family to getting over bedwetting is crucial,” Mercer confirms. It’s a good idea to make sure that siblings know what’s going on (and not to discuss it with their friends or to tease), and to enlist grandparents, or perhaps an aunt and uncle, to help with ‘practice’ sleepovers.”

Establish a Bedtime Routine

Some children are more likely to experience a pattern of dryness when they have a regular nightly routine. To the extent that it’s possible, try to start working toward dryness at a time when no disruptive events such as holidays, vacations, moves, the birth of a sibling, etc., are on the horizon. “I recommend eating dinner at the same time each night and drinking only water afterwards,” instructs Mercer. “Don’t restrict fluids entirely; just stay away from soda and sugary drinks! Children should also urinate twice before bed-time and be involved in any pre-bed rituals such as placing extra pajamas behind the bed and attaching the bed-wetting alarm.”

Refrain From Punishment

It is crucial to realize that kids do not wet their beds voluntarily. Bedwetting can be caused by a multitude of factors, including genetics, small functional bladder capacity, food sensitivities, high nighttime urine production, and even constipation—but a wet spot in the morning is not a result of your child be-

Bedwetting Myths

• You have to wait for your child to outgrow bedwetting.

• Most bedwetting children have mental or physical problems.

• If a child is a sound sleeper, a bedwetting alarm won’t

work for her.

• If your child doesn’t tell you he’s bothered by his bedwetting,

he probably doesn’t care if he’s wet.

• My child is alone in having this problem.

• Bedwetting occurred because I left my child in disposable

pants too long.

• Parents should restrict privileges or punish

their children.

• Puberty will end bedwetting.

• Medication is a sure cure for bedwetting.



identify patterns and seeing progress in writing can be a great motivator for you and your child!

Create a Reward System A little incentive never hurt anyone,

and when it comes to bedwetting, hav-ing a reward system in place can keep your child motivated and help her to persevere when she becomes discour-aged. Set up a system that acknowledges both cooperation with your evening and nighttime routine (something your child can control) and dry nights (something she can’t). “I recommend tailoring your reward system based on your child’s age,” Mercer shares. Younger kids, ages six to seven especially, respond well to visual rewards like stickers on a chart. Older kids might prefer a mutually agreed-upon reward every week or so for the effort that they put into using and responding to the alarm.

Do a Sleep-Away Trial Run

Once your child has achieved dryness, consider doing a “trial run sleepover” with grandparents or another trusted relative before leaping right into overnight birthday parties and camps! In many cases, this allows children to get used to sleeping in an unfamiliar place without worrying they might slip up and have a wet night. “During this trial run—and anytime your child sleeps away from home if she’s not confident she’ll remain dry—pack disposable pants and a waterproof sleeping bag liner so that the outside of the bag and the floor will remain dry if she has a wet night,” advises Mercer.

Stay the course! Your child will probably experi-

ence some victories as well as some setbacks on the journey to dry nights. Remember that each child progresses at his or her own rate, and that most continue to wet nightly and have little, if any, independent response to the

Wet No MoreContinued from page 19

alarm the first few weeks. Don’t be discouraged—eventually, you will see a decrease in the frequency of wetting episodes. And remember that before you stop using the alarm, your child should have fourteen consecutive nights of dryness with nightly alarm use, and fourteen additional dry nights using the alarm every other night.”

“Ultimately, each child and each family is unique…but there is hope that wetting can be ‘put to bed’ once and for all,” promises Mercer. “Be pa-tient, remain informed, and continue to encourage your child. And sooner than you ever thought possible, your child’s bedwetting can be solved. Here’s to positive, dry nights!”

Renee Mercer is a certified pediatric nurse practitioner specializing in the treatment of children with enuresis, or bedwetting in Enuresis Associates, in Elkridge, Maryland. Renee has more than twenty-five years of experience in pediatrics.


Separated Parents andMutual Antagonism

themselves with the standard of care each provides and/or the moral role model each presents, the outcome for children of separated parents is determined more by the parental conflict than the behaviors at issue. As the parents disengage, they must also help remove the child from the role of emissary. Comments about the other parent are not to be implic-itly reinforced by letting the child prattle on, but rather parents should redirect the child to other matters, more notably, issues of the moment with the present parent.

The objective is to limit escalation by facilitating better boundaries, rec-ognizing that given the self-centered nature of any parent, the likelihood of getting that parent to change their ways is quite remote and relative to the behaviors in question. In most cases, it is the parental conflict that

will be more destructive to the chil-dren’s psychosocial development.

The goal is to extricate the child as emissary and to limit the toxicity of the family experience. In the end, you have a happier, better-adjusted child who, when older, will better understand the respective behavior of the parents and make choices for themselves.

If you are the parent who continues to worry about the moral role model of the other, concentrate more on your behavior as a role model and still limit conflict. That way you are not drawing more attention to the very behavior you may find objectionable and you offer your child a range of experiences from which to draw.

Gary Direnfeld, LCSW is social worker specializing in Divorse and custody issues. Visit him at mysocialworker.com

continued from page 7questions regarding spending time with your partner, another adult, or a group. Bypass the “Yes... Buts.” Regardless of how impractical or impossible your dreams may seem, take a leap and take time for each of you to do this exercise on your own. Think big and be a little goofy. This gets your juices going. • Make Time:

Review your dream list and write a number next to each desire based on your priority. Next circle three “dreams” that seem like do-able baby steps. Finally, imagine how you might make this possible. This may mean that one adult may need to increase their responsibilities to accommodate the other. Taking turns may be required. Know that it is your responsibility to make your free time happen. Calendar the time, check in and confirm with the resources that make it possible, and have a back-up plan. If your partner is unable to manage the home, work activities, or children, find a substitute. Join a baby-sitting cooperative or trade with a friend or co-worker. Remember, being a refreshed and happier partner makes it all worthwhile.• Enjoy and Appreciate:

When you return from your alone-time, let your partner, roommate, family, and/or workmates know how much you appreciated their support and what a difference it made for you. Work on overcoming any feelings of guilt from “should/ought thought traps”. Make plans to return the favor as soon as possible. Encourage others to celebrate taking time to grow strong by creating a healthy balance of work, play and spending time alone and to-gether. Notice how much more you can enjoy your togetherness when you feel refreshed and renewed.

To MuchTogethernesscontinued from page 5

22 Summer 2011 familyworks.org

Marin Country Day SchoolMCDS is a warm, inclusive, diverse community guided by core values of respect, responsibility and compassion. Children develop into excellent learners and good people through a broad-based, highly participatory curriculum. The vibrant spirit of all involved engage to make MCDS a good place for children. Primary points of entry are at kindergarten and grade 6. www.mcds.org

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