The PioneerIssue 6

Oct 21, 2010

Page 12 Backpage

Oh man, I'm so excited for this party. I can't believe Jason invited me; I was totally worried that I wouldn't have any-thing to do this Halloween. It's going to be so fun! I'm going to impress everyone so hard with my costume. Most people who do the "chainsaw killer" costume just half-ass it and use a fake chainsaw or a chainsaw with the blade off, but I'm going all the way this year! I've got a sick Husquevarna all gassed with the chain on and everything! It's going to be so realistic, everybody at the party is going to be so impressed. I've been practicing putting it close to people's faces on my mannequin at home. I've messed up a few times, but I'm pretty sure if I pull back at just the right second, it’s go-ing to be so awesome! It will scare people for a second I'm sure, but then they'll be all "Oh damn! You really went all the way with your costume," and then we'll become friends and maybe I'll even hook up with a girl. I can't see out of my mask super well, but I'm sure that won't be a problem. Plus I'm going to have a few beers so my hand will be extra steady when I go in for the face-threatening move. Every-one knows that the entrance is the most important part of making an impression at a party. My plan is to knock on the door, and if no one answers, I'll just tear into it with the chainsaw. Of course I'll pay for it afterwards, but it will be totally worth it because I'm going to make so many new friends with my awesome Halloween costume. This isn't going to be anything like last year when I went as William Tell and just shot arrows at people the entire night. That was a bad idea. I can freely admit that now, but this year is going to be totally different. I hope Julie will be there. She's going to be so disappointed to see how popular I am now with my real chainsaw costume. I'll be all RRRNNNNNN RRNNNNN, and all the girls are going to be like, "Oh you're so funny, most people just came dressed firemen or whatever, but you really went all the way!" and then we'll kiss and make out. Julie is going to be so jealous.

Everyone at the Halloween party will be so impressed by my real chainsaw!

candy corn Nutscandy corned Beef

candy cornell universitycandy corndoleezza Rice

candy Kournikovacandy Korn

candy Baby Bjorncandy Keystone

candy Porn

Everyone loves candy corn! But does everyone love:

caNePa

sexy cat

“Darth Vader”

Björk

earnest freshman

confused at

reaction to Maus

costume

Dave eggers in

giant egg suit

Drunk, bitter

thing 1 with

conspicuously

absent thing 2

Borderline racist

Barack Obama

Blatantly racist

Barack Obama

Real bear attempting

to mate with man

in bear costume

Rivers cuomo’s ironic facial hair

Yoda dry-humping

strangers while

croaking, “Do you

I will”

Mortified

ewoks

Giant punching-

bag regretting

costume choice

Not-as-sexy-as-they-hoped cat

sullen eighth-

graders going

as sullen college

students

sexy postal

worker

asshat with

real chainsaw

Johnny

applesemen

B I OGN

sexy cat

sexy cat!

sexy cat

Mario, do you remember three weeks ago ago when you told me Princess Peach had invited us to her Halloween party? And do you also remember that you told me she had said it was go-ing to be a costume party, and that I said we should go as each other, and you told me that was a great idea? Well appar- ently you don’t because you’re

dressed like a pepper shaker. And oh--what a coincidence! Peach is going as a salt shaker! Gee, that’s strange! I wonder if it’s because she texted you two

hours before the party so you could go buy a pep-per shaker costume at Costume-O-Rama instead of the costume I made for you! And now people

think I’m just a weirdo who dresses like his brother for fun. Oh, yeah, Bowser wanted me to tell you he “didn’t know that the super homo bros were identical now.” Real funny, asshole. It took me a whole day to hem the sleeves of my spare outfit so it’d fit you, you short, pudgy jerk. Maybe if you spent your week-ends at the gym instead of watching Saved by the

Bell marathons and cramming sour cream and onion flavored pork rinds into your mouth I wouldn’t have had to take it in

eleven inches. But hey, at least it was worth it, right? Now you can match Princess Bimbo over there, minus

the valley of cleavage and the tie-wearing monkey grinding on her. I guess you care more

about some royal slutface’s feelings than your own brother’s. Now I just

look like a retard in a Mario costume. Thanks a lot, douchebag.

WTF, Mario.

caNePa

Describe your first date with your partner.

When I met Bob we were in college in New York City and it was the week before Christmas. He told me that he had a very special date planned for us, and I thought maybe we would go ice-skating in Rockefeller Plaza. Instead he drove me to this year-round haunted house in upstate New York, at least three hours away. And the whole drive there, he just made up these stories, about evil dummies and spooky attics, and he was so into it. I thought maybe he was just nervous, and that’s why he was talking SO fast and telling these creepy stories.The haunted house was deserted. We were the only ones there and we had to guide ourselves through. But I remember he loved it. He absolutely loved it.

What do you appreciate most about your partner?

What frustrates you most about your partner?

Describe your first date with your partner.

What do you appreciate most about your partner?

What frustrates you most about your partner?

Well, it was a dark and SPOOOKY night! It was raining, and when we tried to find a place to warm up, we accidentally ended up in a HAUNT-ED HOUSE!!! There were scary ghosts and monsters all around, but I protected Barbara. I won’t say I wasn't frightened though!!!

Bob loves to surprise me. But the surprises aren’t really what I would hope for. Mostly he just likes to scare me. Sometimes when I get home from work he has spent all day making himself look like a spooky zombie, and he trashes the house so it looks like he has been looking for brains. He doesn’t break character all night, and the next morning he wakes up like normal and says, “Barbara, what happened?! Looks like something spoooooky was here last night!!” Every Christmas and birthday, he gives me my own Goosebumps story, where I am the main charac-ter and I am trying to get away from an evil dummy or some sort of ghoul. Usually it is an evil dummy.

Barbara is just an overall wonderful ghoul-- I mean, girl! If I were locked in an attic with an evil dummy, which I usually am, she's the one person I'd want with me. Barbara's the light in my jack-o-lantern. One particular special quality of hers is an ability to stay grounded in a spooky situation, when even I might feel a bit frightened! Ghouls, ghosts, and goblins can't even give her goosebumps. But that's not to say I don't try!

I feel that he has a hard time taking me seriously. Sex with him is always the same story, every time. He is mainly focused on making things spooky in the bedroom. I have told him so many times that that’s just NOT what I’m into. He likes to bring fake spiders into the bed and make them pretend like they are crawling on me. And while we are making love he shouts things like, “It’s so SPOOOOKY!” and “Is it spoooooooooky for you, Barbara??”

What’s cooler than pre-gaming four days

before a party? Pre-gaming for a week before

Halloween! Backpage started partying, like,

two weeks ago. Check out all the crazy stuff

that happened in our Howl-O-Ween Shock-

tober celebration. Don’t worry, R.L. Stine

WAS involved and decorative gourds WERE

brought out of the attic.

Barbara is a bit too straight-laced in bed. To be quite honest, she is a prude. Every time I try to initiate sex, she acts so weird. I have told her hundreds of times, sex is supposed to be spooky! The scarier the better! She knows what I like, but it’s like she gets off on being withholding! I try to cover her in a sheet with two little eye holes, you know, like a ghost! But she just gets so angry and won’t let me touch her as long as she is wearing the costume. She is just unreasonable. When she is acting like she wants to get intimate, I quickly pull a spooky mask out of the nightstand and put it on, but then she just gets huffy! God, women can be so moody and irrational!!

by a drunk asshat wearing khakis and a t-shirt revving a real chainsaw

Dude, the cornucopia pre-gamed way too hard.

by luigi

candy cornrows

candy unicorn

candy cornvicts

candy cornan O’Brien

The Backpage was pre-pre-gaming Halloween so hard the other night and ended up at R.L. Stine's house, snooping around his garbage for the SPOOKIEST never-before-seen material to give our readers.We couldn't find any new book material, but we did find these worksheets which seem to be from R.L. Stine's marriage counseling. So, we now present you with an insider glimpse of the man who scared us all through our childhoods!!!

Joketober.