7 Steps to Self Confidence

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7 STEPS TO A GREATER SELF CONFIDENCEJeanette Harvey

What is your typical reaction upon hearing something new some new

philosophy or way of thinking, being or acting? Would all the

possibilities include acceptance of the new/different information,rejection of it, and/or feeling no connection to it or being neutral?

How do you perceive yourself as a learner? Are you willing to look at

something new/different with the possibility that you may be able to

shift into a space of wonder and anticipation that you may be adding

to your previous knowledge? If so, I welcome you to share this

approach to a greater self confidence.

Please take the journey through these 7 Steps and I am confident

you will arrive at a stronger sense of self and an increase in your self

confidence.

STEP 1: GETTING TO KNOW ME!

How many of us have really taken the time to get to know ourselves? Take the

time to thoughtfully answer these questions. Write them down somewhere

private and leave some space between the answers to go back and add what is

requested at Section B.

SECTION A:

What is my favourite colour? Why? What is my favourite food? Why?

What is my favourite song? Why? What is my most valued possession? Why?

What is my greatest strength? Why? Where is my greatest need to grow?

Why? What is my greatest fear? Why? What is my best skill? Why? What is

my greatest mistake? Why? What is my greatest accomplishment? Why?

What is the experience that brings me greatest joy? Why? What is the one

task that I am least fond of doing? Why?

SECTION B:

Now as well as answering WHY to each of the above questions, try and

understand the energy, feeling or emotion that is behind the answers that you

have written.And now spend some time answering the following questions.

If I were to die today, what is the one thing everyone who knows me would say

about me? What would I want them to say? Why wouldnt or couldnt they say

what I would want them to say?

(Adapted from Yesterday I Cried Iyanla Vanzant)

HTTP://RPKTOOLS.BLOGSPOT.COM


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STEP 2: SET YOUR OWN RULES AND STICK TO THEM

CORE VALUES

It becomes easier to adhere to a set of rules when you have created them and

not had them enforced upon you. In this time of rapid change how much more

value is there in holding firm to your own principles? Many others appear to befloundering e.g. the troubles within some religions, politicians taking us to war,

family values constantly moving.

Consider some of the following and begin to choose what works for you:

I dont steal from others, from the company, from anywhere; I dont waste

company time e.g. I limit personal calls at work to the necessities, I dont take

longer than allowed for lunch etc; I dont swearin company.. at work; I

dont tell seedy jokes..or racist jokes.or jokes that denigrate others; I

dont cheat on my partner.

EXAMPLE: Someone could say, I wouldnt cheat on you because I wouldnt want

to hurt you. Now this is all well and good while everything is going well in therelationship. But, what happens if you have a fight? Often the one thing you

really want to do is HURT the other person, right???? So, if the only reason you

have this principle is because you dont want to HURT the other personhow

can you deter yourself from just this course of action? However, if it is firmly

ingrained in your set of personal values I dont cheat because.. I dont, then

it doesnt matter what other influence comes into play, does it?

Notice that I said I dont rather than I wont? The experience of choosing

ones own set of core values is a most interesting and rewarding process that

profoundly affects ones level of self-confidence.

STEP 3: KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS LISTEN TO YOUR

LISTENING.

How much of what goes on in your head is generated by YOU. Think about it!

Are you taking any notice, really taking time to notice? And more importantly

are you prepared to take any responsibility for what is taking up your thinking?

Consider this as the conversation going on in your head your private

conversation. And if it is a conversation then who is the listener?

Your beliefs, thoughts, ideas, values, stories etc emanate from the myriad of

your lifes experiences or more importantly your interpretation of them.

These experiences might have originated from your family culture and

traditions. They may have been influenced by your education opportunities. We

each have unique personal experiences that impact upon our thoughts. Our

profession or career may also impact on where our thoughts focus day to day.

Are you contributing in a conscious manner?

Stop right now and spend some time in thought about what has been going

around in your head TODAY. Have you spent time thinking about your


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conversations, your opinion, your options, your moves, your motives, your feelings

or your purpose, .. or has you head just been filled with .the newspaper, the

radio, the TV, other peoples ideas, thoughts or demands? Would you like to be

the person who is directing your thoughts/listening?

Then start right now. I challenge you to listen to your listening!

One of the first steps to self awareness is taking the time to observe how you

are listening to your own listening. Begin to listen to what is going on in your

listening while you are conversing with another. Listen to what is going on in

your listening while you are watching your colleagues in the office. Listen to

what is going on in your listening while you are driving in your car. And begin to

live in the question Why am I listening and observing this way?

STEP 4: KNOW YOUR FEELINGS MOODS AND

EMOTIONS.

How well do you know your feelings, moods and emotions? Whilst we are often

the captive of our moods it is not always a conscious observation. More often

than not our moods govern us. We often react and respond from our mood.

What value do you think would be in choosing your mood?

To capture the similarities among emotions, many researchers have tried to

identify basic or primary emotions. Robert Plutchik (Emotions: A

Phychoevolutionary Synthesis. 1980. Harper Collins Publishers, Inc) developed a

most helpful model. In this model there are eight basic emotions which include

joy, acceptance, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger and anticipation. How

surprising that one of the most widely touted emotion is missing from this list love!

How many of us would have been able to name these eight? And if we couldnt

name them then how could we identify them within ourselves? And if we

couldnt identify them how can we express them appropriately? Consider the

liberation that would come about if what you initially felt as anger - could clearly

be identified as disappointment at the children leaving possessions lying about.

You can deal with the disappointment by addressing the issue at hand (the

children and possessions) but what use would the anger be in your body or life?

Consider keeping an emotional diary for a week to track the ups and downs that

are common to us all. Once we clearly identify our emotions or moods then we

can move to the next step of learning to shift them to a mood that serves us to

our advantage. Shift them, you say? I can shift them? Well let me ask if

you cant shift them then who do you give permission or authority to? How

would you feel if you took back that permission or authority and were the

creator of your own moods and emotions?


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characteristic that we observe in an acquaintance lives also within ourselves.

Much easier to happily lay claim to a positive trait that we observe in another.

However, take the opportunity to reflect on this possibility and ask yourself

Why am I observing this in another? What can I learn about myself? Better

yet why not commence observing yourself as if from an outsiders perspective.

What a way to get to know yourself.

STEP 6: EVERY ACTION HAS AN EQUAL &

OPPOSITE RE-ACTION.

And every re-action often has an original and totally unrelated pain.

Have you ever had a really strong re-action when someone said something to

you? It didnt have to be said in anger or sarcastically (although it may have)

but your re-action was really noticeably animated and perhaps way out of

proportion. Was your heart was beating rapidly, shallow breath, that creepy

crawly feeling climbing up your neck (smoke coming out of your nostrils?)? Ifyou look back later you might even realise yourself that your re-action was

quite unnecessary for the situation.

Why is it that we are willing to vent our reactions to this current situation?

Why is it that we are so willing to blame the other for this feeling/animation?

What would be your thoughts around exploring the possibility that this feeling

was already in you and this situation merely brought it to the surface? Does

this cause you to consider how you might shift the emotion from your body? Or

at least choose a more appropriate response to the current situation. You can

then take an opportunity later to see where the stronger emotion originated. Isit still necessary to be holding this feeling? Is it still serving you?

I recall an instance recently when my date became quite agitated when I asked

for a third glass of wine at a dinner party. I became far more agitated than the

instance called for. Knowing what I know however, I chose to discuss my

reaction and came to the understanding that I had been carrying around a

hidden belief (probably since childhood) that I wasnt allowed to have any fun.

My partners response brought this to the surface. Had I just responded to his

comment I would never have been able to identify and release this old and

useless belief.

I choose now to always examine any unnecessarily strong or seemingly

inappropriate response and look for these opportunities to grow and learn.


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STEP 7: DONT LET OTHERS SHOULD ON YOU!

Dont you think you should on yourself enough?

If there is one word that I encourage clients to remove from their vocabulary it

is should. Can you tell me what it conveys? It very rarely holds anysignificance. It often is negative and berating. It rarely encourages action. It

often stifles action. Once you choose to cease using this word and replace it

you can create some purposeful activity in your life.

Try replacing: I should exercise more with I will exercise more. I should

get to visit my family more often with I can make the time to visit family. I

should take the time to relax more with Taking the time to relax will be so

enjoyable and I will .. (you choose how you like to relax). I should stop

spending money on frivolous items with I will begin a plan that will help me to

be more cautious with my money.

What do you think? Are you going to continue to should on yourself or are youconfidently going to choose to live life to the fullest on your terms?

The journey to self confidence can take you along the path of self

knowledge, self awareness to self acceptance. Once at the place of

self confidence you will find a growing sense of self esteem. Enjoy

the journey and if you would like to take this journey with a coach

who will respectfully walk alongside, shining the light when it seems

too dark (or transparent) to see for yourself - please call me.

4124 [email protected]

www.harveycoaching.com.au

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7 Steps to Self Confidence