A SELF-ADMINISTERED SELF-CONFIDENCE STRENGTHENING PROGRAM

150 S. University Drive, Suite A Plantation, Florida 33324 (954)475-1371

by

William Penzer, Ph.D.

2499 Glades Road, Suite 108 Boca Raton, Florida 33431

(561)361-1898 www.williampenzerphd.com

www.anxietysource.com

ONCE UPON A TIME .. . we were all born helpless. We were, by all measures, inadequate, inferior and woefully dependent. At first we neither knew nor cared. We had simple needs to be met. We had no concep t of our SELF.

As we grew we became more complex. The same simple needs continued, while others were added. As our brains developed we acquired language and ideas. We came to realize and recognize our SELF. We came to value our SELF, but also came face to face with our fundamental "inferiority."

Our parents, teachers and others were bigger, smarter and could do so much. We were so limited, so dominated and so scared. We needed protection, reassurance and lots of hugs. At best, we all began our life journeys with low self-esteem . At worst, negative experiences took us to no self-esteem positions. Our personal shame and blame accounts were built by a variety of not so pleasant experiences.

What experiences you ask? The obvious as well as the subtle. The early death of a parent, parental divorce, physical, sexual or emotional abuse are obvious. So are families moving around a lot or serious financial problems, an overcritical teacher, peer rejection, etc. More subtle negative influences are overprotective parents, medical problems, needing glasses, a hypochondriacal parent, sibling abuse and/or jealousies, many deaths among close family or friends, having a physical or learning disability, being prone to obesity and anything else that detracts from one's feeling adequate, able or "as good as" others.

Considering our starting point of helpless inadequacy compounded by the many negative influences along the way, it's a wonder we function at all. So many were dealt a weak hand in the poker game of life. Given this starting point explains why we do not give ourselves enough credit for functioning. It

also explains why we can be so quick to put our SELF down. Our shame and blame account begets more of the same. This is why most people suffer from the multiple consequences of low self-esteem and confidence.

Even those who appear confident on the outside can experience hidden, but powerful insecurities. This is why Woody Allen, a multi-talented success, recently called himself a "failed artist." This is why so many successful celebrities, politicians and sports figures can get in so much embarrassing trouble.

Many people find shields to cover over their inner doubts. These can include money, jewels, cars, power, control, addictions, anger, intimidation, risk taking or an excessive focus on physical attraction. Anything to extreme is most likely a sign of low confidence. Obviously, some extremes are more healthy than others. In that context, low self-esteem can be a motivator to success.

Many people feel proud in some areas, but shame and blame in others. They are proud of their work diligence, but feel negative about their appearance, lack of formal education or'finances or all of the above plus. Or they feel proud of their appearance, but negative about other areas. The specifics vary, but the effects of our negative life encounters are the same.

Fortunately for us, these negative influences are not the whole story. We manage to have positive experiences too. These help to fill our pride accounts and counterbalance the negatives. These are what help us to function and push past our insecurities and self-doubts. As part of that helpless dependency came nurturance and attention to our needs. No matter what our personal story might be, we received enough support and care to survive those dependent times. We received enough to function to a reasonable degree and move forward along a path of independence and self-sufficiency. We went to school, attended family and social events and engaged in activities that created a sense of prideful accomplishment. A sense of Self did emerge. Although it might not be as solid as we would like, it has been sufficient to sustain us to this point.

Noteworthy and prideworthy is that the majority of us do function. That we may have frustrations and limitations does not take away from the pluses. In fact, the fundamental philosophy that is being presented here is one of affirming those pluses and using them to strengthen our self-confidence and self-esteem. In addition, you are encouraged to identify those areas you want to build upon and strengthen, so you can set goals to accomplish just that. In my view, this is the essence of psychotherapy. It is a process designed to highlight, underscore and affirm people's positive qualities, while working hard to reprogram those parts that can be so repetitiously self-defeating.

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Try not to see my characterization of our origins as pessimistic, bleak or negating of selfhood. Rather, see it as the nature of the human condition and the challenge that each of us face in overcoming a variety of circumstances beyond our control that directly limited our sense of self. Also, see the big picture as a tribute to our ability and endurance to rise beyond those limitations to function , move forward , set goals and define a life and a self that enjoys both survival value and fulfillment in key areas .

In the final analysis the magnificence of the human mind reflects itself in its resilience. It also shows in its ability to tolerate and cope with all kinds of difficult circumstances and its pursuit of personal growth and self-improvement. Every person who enters my office and those of my colleagues is implicitly stating their need and desire to overcome whatever obstacles are lying in their path of comfort, fulfillment and peace of mind. Let's look a little more closely at what you can do to move forward in those directions, while realistically evaluating who you are, where you are and where you want to be.

Self-esteem and confidence is the foundation of our health and functioning. Low self-esteem underlies the following problems:

• anxiety disorders including phobia and panic • depression • compulsive and addictive problems • eating disorders • self-destructive tendencies • inhibiting self-consciousness • poor school/work performance and/or strained

relationships there • anger and temper tantrums when feeling inadequate or

not having "control." • choosing incompatible partners • staying in unhealthy and abusive relationships • inability to be a partner or friend • being too nice, trusting and giving to those who don't

appreciate or reciprocate • avoiding commitments, decisions or closure • not seeking assistance from a mental health professional

or dropping out prematurely • etc ., etc ., etc.

Getting Help to Build Self-Esteem

Those who visit me or my colleagues are healthier than those who do not. Those who stay the course of treatment are even healthier than those who drop

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out along the way. Despite their typical low self-esteem, those who visit are willing to invest time, energy, self-disclosure, trust and money into their self­development. That in itself is prideworthy.

The challenges that all people face are to build a more solid pride bank based upon a current evaluation of their behavior and characteristics. To do that requires using an unwarped self-measurement based on mostly current situations. To do that requires developing a more reasonable and realistic set of emotional accounting rules. To do that requires dumping and neutralizing some of the hurtful experiences from the past. This facilitates focus on the strengths and limitations of our adult SELF. Most likely, it is the little boy or girl in us all that is holding on to old measures and old experiences to keep us in a low/no self­esteem position. It is that same inner child and teen that perpetuates shameful behaviors that detracts from our adult ability to feel proud.

I believe effective psychotherapy does the above to enough of an extent to help people find a more balanced and prideful place. It also teaches people to keep filling their pride bank for the rest of their time. While that doesn't help pay the bills, it helps reduce or eliminate hurtful, self-defeating habits and behaviors that rob people of prideful feelings. Clearly, low self­esteem promotes thoughts, feelings and behaviors that feed low self-esteem. This self-unfulfilling prophecy and perpetual motion machinery needs to be significantly reduced or eliminated.

Faux Feelings

We all carry self-negating feelings from past negative experiences that stay stored in our shame and blame accounts. In extreme, these override our knowing that we have much to be proud about. "I know I'm not a failure, but I often feel like one," is something mental health professionals hear frequently. People are robbed of prideful feelings in the present, by shameful ones from their past. In this way, they lack confidence and esteem, despite performing their different roles well.

This is really the greatest scam perpetuated on humankind. "I know I am a good person, but I feel like I'm bad." This is precisely why many schools of psychology believe that if you can modify your thoughts, you can change your feelings, increase your pride and reduce or eliminate anxiety, depression, etc. Yet, most of the time this is a very tough job that requires a tremendous effort over a long period of time. This is what makes therapy a long term process in many instances. This is what makes talk show emotional makeovers in a few weeks, both a silly and destructive example of media hype and sensationalism. It hurts those watching at home who struggle for months and years to achieve what the TV people do in a few weeks. Maybe a select few can leap over tall

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shame and blame accounts quickly, but for the majority it's slow going. So slow, in fact, that many fall out along the way.

Critical is that you commit to going the distance. There is just too much riding on your confidence to be a dropout in the program. Challenging as it might be, it is doable. Demanding as it is you can strengthen your confidence and get rid of self-defeating and deflating thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The latter tend to perpetuate and reinforce shame and blame in vicious cycles.

Critical to changing these patterns is your assessing and modifying your personal accounting. We each have a program that we've learned that keeps track of our emotional assets and liabilities. People of low self-confidence consistently use distorted measures of their worth. They are the hard markers of themselves, while tending to be compassionate and fair to other people. Shame and blame is promoted and sustained by these unfair self-accounting practices.

To strengthen your confidence you need to straighten the ruler you use to measure your self. You need to allow compassion to flow inward and to create a personal accounting system that realistically feeds your pride account. Here are some fair and healthy accounting principles. Assess which you violate and work to include them in your day to day life:

Fundamental Principles of Prideful Accounting

It is critical to confidence to follow appropriate accounting principles and let them replace those that work against you. This will help you to keep ongoing, accurate and current records for your Pride Account. Here are some to consider.

Principle 1: Do not discount your SELF. You never go on sale. In fact, you strive to maximize your value in your own eyes. You try to give your SELF the benefit of the doubt and to see and identify reasons to feel proud every day.

Principle 2: Do not negate that which is expected. All positives count. If you don't do what's expected you lose pride. Why shouldn't you gain pride when you do it?

Principle 3: Give partial credit. Steps toward a goal count. Perfection is a fantasy. Nothing ever is perfect, nor does it have to be. Even machines break or are quirky. If they had shame and blame accounts they'd fill up! People are not built with precision . It's a cobbled road at best. Most of your life is not a test. You can do half or less today and more tomorrow. Plus one-half is fairer than minus 1, let alone minus 10. It's the proverbial glass half full or half empty.

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Choose half completed instead of incomplete.

Principle 4: Be a compassionate self-evaluator. Remember that mean teacher, harsh parent or impossible to please professor, boss, grandfather or whomever. Stop imitating them. They were wrong.

Principle 5: Do not keep two sets of books. Be as kind to you as you are to others-no more, no less. Try to use the same lenses you use for them for you. Ask yourself, "How would I react if this happened to Sue or Tom?" In fact, giving your SELF low grades that are undeserved, degrades you.

Principle 6: Look for prideful feelings. You desperately need them to maintain your balance, strength and emotional health. Stop being stingy or lazy with your SELF. Seek and you shall find them. By the way, it's OK to look for them. It's not like fishing for a compliment. It's more like complimenting yourself for your accomplishments, achievements, positive qualities and endurance. In today's complex and difficult world, your survival is prideworthy. Anything more is extra credit. You deserve extra credit.

Principle 7: Do not deflect compliments if they are sincere and deserved. Many people have trouble with compliments. They make them feel awkward, self-conscious, undeserved. Yet, you both need and deserve all of the affirmation, appreciation and respect you can find. Stop with the "oh, it was nothing" responses. Just say "Thank you" and add it to your account. Oddly enough, people who need them the most deflect the most. Be a collector rather than a deflector. Be a giver of compliments, too. It reinforces others' efforts and feeds their pride accounts.

Principle 8: Strive to behave in a prideworthy fashion. Setting high goals for yourself increases the likelihood of achieving them. Again, you can't be perfect. You may fall short in one way or another and on occasion say or do something regretable. But clearly, the easiest way to feel proud is to behave proudly, honorably and caringly. Striving toward that is a worthwhile pursuit, just as efficiency and cost containment are worthy goals of profitable business despite occasional waste and sloppiness. The more vigilant you are, the more successful you will be.

Principle 9: Be true to your SELF. Playing to the audience may sometimes be necessary, such as in a work situation. Putting everyone's needs always ahead of yours .is not good for your accounting system. It constantly puts you in a deficit position, especially as your anger and feelings of inequity grow. People pleasing needs to be contained so that your needs get met and you feel comfortable with you.

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Principle 10: Try not to carry shame and blame forward. Though it's not easy, it is possible to let go of it and get it out of your account. Typically, it requires venting of some form (diaries, tape recorders, therapy, letters to or not to be sent, talking to a friend, etc.). Resolution can a lso help. Settling a matter, letting go of hurt feelings, ill will, upset over being taken advantage of, etc. is helpful. Similarly, committing to put more emphasis on pleasing your SELF instead of others also helps us not to ruminate about failures, miscues, missed assertive moments or other tangled transactions. It would be nice if at the end of the day, you could let go of the significant amount of shame and blame that you accumulated during that day.

Principle 11: Carry pride account entries forward . Think of them as your assets. Their totality determines your personal net worth . Thinking in financial terms, you wouldn't discard or not count bonds that you bought 10 or 20 years ago in terms of your financial net worth. Or, if you had an old bank account that was still opened and had a few hundred dollars in it, you wouldn't ignore that when you were calculating how much money you had to draw upon. Similarly, you want all pride bank entries to count and we want you to hold on to them forever. Granted, some are small-fhe equivalent of a few pennies-and won't have that much significance and may not even be remembered beyond the moment. But, anything of substance is something we would like you to hold onto and keep as part of your emotional portfolio.

Most people remember the shame based moments more than the prideful ones. Many can instantly recall stealing a gum or candy from the neighborhood store, but have a harder time remembering getting an "A" on a hard test or doing a great job in a class play. Many can remember their first fender-bender as a new driver, yet few give themselves credit for years and years of safe driving. In rebalancing your personal accounting system, pride needs to be accentuated, while shame and blame is diminished, except where it is truly deserved.

Principle 12: Watch out for comparing your SELF to others. Life is not a competitive event. There are no trophies at the end of the day or the game. Play it as best as you can. Compare your SELF only to yourself. Are you doing better? Good. That equals pride. Same is OK. Worse? Keep working. Give your SELF credit for trying. If you're not trying, it's time!

Give Your Self-Extra Credit.

Part of embracing the idea of strengthening your confidence requires a shift in focus and emphasis. It requires a reformulation, not only your self­accounting principles, but also of your philosophy about life, experiences, other people and yourself. It definitely requires giving yourself the benefit of the doubt

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whenever you can.

Give your SELF extra credit for life experience just as it's currently done in universities. No matter what your age you've been through a lot and have the emotional bruises and scars to prove it. Give yourself survival credit. Give yourself overcoming obstacles and challenges credit. Give yourself extra credit for functioning or struggling to function .

Even if you're not at your peak form, give yourself credit for wanting to be there, working toward that and admitting that you are not exactly where you'd like to be. If you're in therapy or have been, give yourself extra credit for that takes a great deal of courage and commitment. Give yourself credit for putting up with all the horror stories of the day and make a commitment to reduce the noise level coming at you.

Don't give yourself extra credit for anything that you don 't truly deserve, but do give yourself extra credit for that which you have earned. Also, give yourself credit for that which you have accomplished, achieved and accumulated. No matter how frustrated you might be with your emotional, familial and financial position, the likelihood is there are many, many people below you in each of those categories. Appreciate rather than depreciate your assets. Give clear, objective feedback to yourself about your SELF, so you have a basis for feeling proud and confident.

Adopt a Relative Perspective

In life, most everything is relative and little, if anything, is absolute . Proverbially, death and taxes are absolute. Everything else is subject to change, negotiation or compromise. Many would argue taxes are too. Relative to a homeless person your small efficiency apartment is palatial. Relative to someone who lives in a $5 million house and has a yacht docked out back your small apartment is minuscule and seemingly irrelevant. But what if the man in the multi-million dollar home lost his wife and only child in a plane crash? How important are his wealth and possessions then?

As many can attest, wealth does not make for happiness, fulfillment or even confidence. I have met many wealthy people who have achieved a great deal in their work, but whose confidence levels do not reflect those attainments. Similarly, a mansion does not make for a happy home and we've all observed via the media a "war of the roses" going on in some of those estates. Most important, your small efficiency is yours and that's what makes it special, prideworthy and very relevant.

In this context, find a relative measure that you can use to help cope with

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the day-to-day stresses and strains. Find someone whom you know or have read about whose life is truly unenviable and use that to remind yourself how much better you have it. Find a way or several ways to put your own situation in a perspective that emphasizes the positives in your life and in yourself. I find the phrase, "if it's not chemotherapy, it ain't nothing" to be helpful, despite its hitting my English teachers in a sensitive spot. It helps me by diminishing my momentary angst over a minor situation . The "it could be worse" comparison is a helpful one because it truly could be. Though it doesn ' t negate your frustration, discomfort or pain, at least it tries to limit the negative energies that you allow to spill over onto your SELF.

"What if," I hear some of you asking, one is in such a situation? What if I'm fighting a terminal illness, have lost a child, are in the midst of brutalizing divorce, or are declaring bankruptcy? None of those or other similar situations are easy or simple. All drain energy and strain coping to the max. Give me a tough neurotic based problem over a reality based one any day.

All you can do is rise to the challenge and fight back in whatever way is available . Look around for a role model who has done just that. For me, Christopher Reeves is such a person . One can't help admire his total dedication, optimism and will, not only to survive, but to overcome. He lost so much of his SELF, but still comes back fighting, hopeful and smiling confidently. Helen Keller was such a remarkable person in those respects as well. There are many such people notable or unknown.

As I myself once discovered, sometimes all we can do is cling to the greased rope, struggle to hang on and try to get back to a more comfortable, manageable and prideworthy position . Hindsight being always clear, I wish someone advised me not to add insult to injury by beating myself up. I needed to accept my anxiety condition as part of being a person and not feel weak every moment, because old and hidden inadequacies were pounding away at my comfort, control and confidence. I don ' t honestly know if I could have incorporated this kind of advice, but I wish I was encouraged to try. I hope you will try these ideas and keep working on your SELF and your confidence until it is commensurate with a level you deserve. Little by little, inch by inch, millimeter by millimeter you can reclaim a healthier, more enhancing, more updated sense of your SELF.

Include Some Form of Relaxation in Your Daily Activities.

This section is short because so much has already been written . Relaxation is undeniably important to nourishing your SELF and increasing your self-confidence. Stress makes a mess. It pushes you in the direction of your inner child and his/her hurts, d istortions, self-negations, etc. Relaxation, in whatever

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form, promotes healthy adult perspectives which promote pride and confidence. Yet, most people are too busy, too stressed, too down to engage. Relaxation comes in so many forms that there is really no valid excuse. Choose deep breathing, autogenics, self-hypnosis, yoga, meditation, mindless TV shows, exercise, prayer, light reading, music, etc. Pick one or a few and allow yourself time to enjoy-EVERYDA Yl It is essential to your physical and emotional well being. It adds pride and confidence.

Keep Working Your Confidence & Self-Esteem Building Program

Your life and your SELF are a work in progress. Too many work it for a month or three or six and then slip back. Confidence "diets" don't work any better than food diets. Both require a lifetime commitment to a more balanced way of thinking, feeling and behaving. You deserve to feel better about you. You need to feel better about you. You can feel better about you.

Draw on your self-discipline which is probably evident in most every zone of your life except your SELF. Look in the mirror, talk to your SELF, affirm your qualities and commit to working on the resl Embrace a sense of deserving to feel better and enjoying peace of mind. In our post 9/11 world we are painfully aware that our SELF is all we can really try to control. Be there for you now. Keep being there for you forever.

In the final analysis you need to give yourself the same credit, compassion and comfort that you automatically give to others. You have the inalienable human right to be imperfect. It is how people are and how they have always been. We are, after all, higher order animals struggling to be more human than animal. Accepting that allows you to feel better about your SELF. Like all kids stories, I want you to live "happily ever after"-at least with your SELF. The likelihood of that happening is significantly increased by feeling more confident. To do that you will need to commit to working all of the above in every way you can. The appendix includes some exercises to help you do just that. Good luck!

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Appendix

A Self-Administered Program

Some of this work can be done on your own. Here are the steps involved:

A. Assess your confidence as it applies to the different roles you play. B. Assess your confidence by a variety of characteristics.

C. Identify thoughts, feelings and behaviors that detract from your confidence.

D. Separate those that are objectively true from those that are subjectively false or significantly exaggerated.

E. Promote fair and reasonable accounting measures. F. Work to deposit pride and withdraw shame and blame by modifying,

reducing or eliminating negative inputs to your confidence.

Don't get overwhelmed by the magnitude of the project. Let's break it down and look more closely at each of these steps. I have confidence that you can do it. Take your time. It's not a race.

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A. Assess Your SELF by the Roles You Play

Consider the roles you presently play. Add any that are unique to you.

• Person

• Worker

• Student

• Parent

• Grandparent

• Child

• Sibling

• Friend

• Business partner

• Relationship partner

• Other

• Other

Avg. · Score __ _

Next to each that apply place one number from the following scale.

To what extent do you feel positive about how you behave in this role?

Not at all Positive

o 2

A Little Positive

3 4

Somewhat Positive

5 6 7

Quite Positive

8 9

Extremely Positive

10

Any score above six is considered to reflect positive behaviors that are prideworthy. Calculate your average role score by adding all scores together and dividing by the number of scores. Next look at the roles in which you scored 5 or less. Put an "X" through any about which you really don't care. Circle any of the roles rated 5 or below that you would like to improve. We will come back to them.

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B. Assess Your SELF by Characteristic

Rate your SELF on each of the following characteristics. Add any other characteristics you would like.

• academic intelligence • practical intelligence (street smarts) • emotional intelligence (common sense) • honesty • kindness • compassion • warmth • communication skills • assertiveness • cooperativeness • perseverance • stability • work ethic • appearance • humor • courage • loyalty • courtesy • patience • resourcefulness • self-reliance • self-motivation • trustworthiness • Other ________ _ • Other ________ _

Avg . Score

Next to each characteristic, place one number from the following scale:

Not at all Positive

o 2

A Little Positive

3 4

Somewhat Positive

5 6 7

Quite Positive

8 9

Extremely Positive

10

Again, a six or more is considered to reflect positive characteristics that are prideworthy.

Average all scores to get an overall score. Look at the characteristics in

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which you scored 5 or less. Put an "x" through any about which you really don't care. Circle any of the 5 or less that you would like to improve. We will come back to them.

If you want, average your overall score from A and your overall score from B to get your overall role/characteristic confidence score.

Avg. Total Score __ _

Ideally, your confidence and self-esteem is directly related to how well you perform in the roles you care about and the degree to which you have many positive characteristics less the degree to which you have realistic negative thought, feelings and behaviors.

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C. Identify Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviors that Detract From Your Self-Esteem

Thoughts

We all carry self-negating thoughts that contribute to lower than deserved self-esteem. Put a check next to any from the following list that apply. Add any that apply, but are not on the list. Circle those you would like to modify. We will come back to them.

I'm Too:

ugly fat thin short tall cheap dumb dishonest poor old shy

Negating Thoughts That Erode From Your Confidence

materialistic narcissistic sensitive dependent selfish jealous phony fake lazy quiet naive

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Feelings

We all have feelings that diminish our sense of worth and confidence. Check all that apply to you from the following list. Add any that apply, but are not on the list. Circle any you would like to modify. We will come back to them.

I Feel:

Frustrated Tired Lazy Like I'm not getting anywhere Like a reject Out of control Unfulfilled

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Unmotivated Like everyone else is doing better Angry all the time Depressed Afraid Unhappy Like my mother/father/ex was right

Behaviors

No one is perfect. We all behave in ways that cause us to feel silly, embarrassed and at times ashamed . Look at the behaviors on the following list. Check those in which you have engaged. Add any not on this list that apply to you. Circle any you would like to modify. We will come back to them. Note: Protect your privacy. Do not fill this out for those behaviors that could cause you a problem if someone looked at this list. Make mental notes when necessary.

Putting self down to others Avoiding conflict or self-assertion

Smoking cigarettes Abusing drugs/alcohol

Treating loved ones harshly Backstabbing

Putting others down Lying

Cheating Promiscuity

Stealing Not working hard Temper tantrums

Excessive gambling Not studying for tests

Not paying taxes, tickets, bills Speeding

Driving drunk Abusing others physically or sexually

Bragging Doing anything that could get you into trouble

Avoiding potential positive events

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D. Separate Those That Are Objectively True From Those That Are Subjectively False or Significantly Exaggerated.

This step can be tricky. If people were able to be more objective they wouldn't be reading this article. We have already said it 's our subjective chi ld parts that cause us to distort present assessments by holding onto old stuff. "How then," you ask, "can I be objective?" My answer is to try and where possible ask others for more objective feedback. Watch out for those whose agendas might lead to distorted responses.

Some things can be quantified. If you feel you are "too fat" the question is how many pounds do you need to lose. There needs to be a different effect on your confidence depending on whether it 's 10-20 Ibs, 30-60 Ibs, or 75-150 Ibs. If you need to lose 15 Ibs, but experience it as if it was 150, that's a greatly exaggerated self-negating feeling. Work on your weight goals, but don't berate yourself daily for being a "fat pig."

Also, ask yourself for examples. If yoU think you 're not very kind , is that based on present situations or past events? Also be sure your definition of unkindness is accurate. Would you see others doing the same thing as unkind as well? Often we tend to be hard markers of ourself, but more supportive of others. Use the "how you would see others" measure to get closer to objective reality as well.

Mostly, do the best you can in this part of the project. Put a star next to any item you circled that meets the objective criteria as true thoughts, feelings or behaviors that erode from your self-esteem . Make a mental note of private behaviors you've mentally checked that are objectively problematic at this time. Put a # sign next to those you circled that are subjectively distorted or significantly exaggerated. We will come back to these later.

E. Promote Fair and Reasonable Accounting Measures.

The accounting principles previously discussed are self-evident. They are hard to argue against. They are also hard to implement. Our programming comes from our inner child parts that were made to feel inadequate and lessor than. We were all brainwashed at an early age. It is the irony of the mind that voices from days gone by can trump adult accomplishments of yesterday and today. The ultimate irony is those voices of yesteryears don ' t even have to be true or appropriate to be powerful. Yet, we can work to build a fairer and more reasonable self-evaluative process that d raws upon these accounting principles. To do so is to embrace the reality of now, instead of continuing to buy into the distortions of then .

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life: Let's review the basic steps to applying those principles to your everyday

• The first step to the pride account process is to be more conscious of how you deal with you and your pride. Be a participant­observer for a while. Engage in your life and see what you do when it comes to pride. Go so far as to write down examples of how you diss yourself, shortchange yourself or affirm and validate yourself. If you are in therapy, discuss all this and see what insights can be learned. Consider discussing it with your partner or a friend. Or ponder it on your own. Don't become obsessed with why you don't fill your pride account fairly. Just try to understand your SELF a little better. Focus on how you can fill it more fairly and more frequently.

• Obviously, you need to work to rid yourself of all the ways you reduce your pride account. This requires you to stop yourself from behaving in less than prideful ways. Easy? No. Doable? Yes. Find a support rope and hang on until you can climb it. Many such ropes are hanging all around you. Try one and keep trying to find the right one for you.

• Set one goal in the direction of adding prideful entries. Work on accomplishing that and commit to it until you have succeeded. Reward yourself for all efforts made until you can feel the pride of goal achievement. If you can't quite reach it seek out appropriate support and assistance. Keep setting prideful goals one at a time.

• Seek support and assistance for help with any behaviors that promote shame, guilt, feeling out of control, or anything that takes away from your pride. View these as leaks in your plumbing pipes which need to be caulked or replaced.

• Become addicted to prideful and healthy behaviors. Just as chocolate is addicting, so are fruits and veggies.

• Work on eliminating "stinking thinking" and replace it with fairer more reasonable and optimistic thoughts. Listen to your own silent thoughts and aloud statements. Push yourself out of the self-dissing club except when you truly deserve to be there.

• Use the "compassion toward others" criterion as a measure. Ask yourself, "How would I react/evaluate/respond if this was about my friend ?" If different from how you are reacting/evaluating/responding push yourself to be a friend to you. This is a very helpful way to see things move clearly, analogous to

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putting on your prescription glasses to read.

• Try not to buy into resistance forces that block your implementation. Most people stay stuck in the ruts of their mind 's making. For that reason low self-confidence is common. Be a strong and healthy self-leader. Resist resistances as strongly as you can. Get help when you can't overcome them .

F. Work to Deposit Pride and Withdraw Shame and Blame by Modifying, Reducing or Eliminating Negative Input to Your Self-Confidence.

By working on these exercises you have created a blueprint to build a stronger, more effective, more efficient sense of SELF. All the "we will come back to them" summaries apply here. You have identified the parts of you that rob you of confidence and they should fit together pretty well. By reviewing the following items you connect the dots toward a set of compatible, self­enhancing goals.

Use the worksheets at the end of this article to:

• List the roles and characteristics that scored 6 or more. List those that scored 5 or less that you didn't cross out. Set goals to raise the score.

• List the erosive thoughts, feelings and behavior that stood the litmus test of objectivity. These are the ones with a star.

• Mentally review the mentally starred behaviors that are between you and you.

• List the erosive thoughts, feelings and behaviors that were subjective or exaggerated. There are the ones with a # sign. Mentally include private behaviors in this category. The goal here is to lessen the weight and influence of these so your confidence is not being diminished by exaggerated issues.

• List the changes you want to make in how you manage your pride and shame and blame accounts and the accounting changes you need to implement.

• All of the above are your goals to continue pursuing. They probably fit together pretty well and reflect several common themes. As you achieve these goals your blame and shame account reduces while your pride account builds. As it does your self-esteem and confidence goes up. Your thoughts, feelings and behaviors become self-fulfilling and a positive cycle replaces the vicious one. Pride begets pride just as shame births more of the same.

• Counseling is helpful in terms of achieving healthy, self-enhancing goals and breaking up vicious cycles. So is AA, other support

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groups, books, tapes, spirituality, journaling, etc. It's never as simple or speedy as TV doctors might lead you to believe, but it is doable.

• You don't have to change totally. You need to adjust enough to shift the balance from shame and blame to pride and confidence. "If only there was a thumbscrew," I often lament to myself, "it would be so easy!" But, there isn't one and there won't ever be one, so face your reality and get to work.

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Self-Confidence Building Worksheet

Assets

List Roles Rated 6 or More

Roles

LiabilitiesN ulnerabilities

List Roles Rated 5 or Less that you want to work on

List goals addressing "liabilities/vulnerabilities." Set time frames for evaluating progress and for achievement. (i.e. evaluate weekly, achieve within two months)

Time Frame to: Evaluate Achieve

Goall ________________________________ _

Goal 2 ______________________________ __

GoaI3 ______________________________ ___

GoaI4 ______________________________ ___

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Self-Confidence Building Worksheet

Assets

List Characteristics Rate 6 or More

Characteristics

LiabilitiesNulnerabilities

List characteristics rated 5 or less that you want to work on.

List goals addressing "liabilities/vulnerabilities" listed above. Set time frames for evaluating progress and for achievement. (i.e. evaluate twice a month, achieve in six months)

Time Frame to: Evaluate Achieve

Goal! ________________________________ __

Goal 2 ______________________________ ___

Goa13 ________________________________ __

Goa14 ______________________________ ___

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List self-defeating THOUGHTS you starred because you want to modify and create goals and action plan.

Thought CD Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

Thought @ Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

Thought@ Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

Thought ® Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

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List self-defeating FEELINGS you starred because you want to modify and create goals and action plan.

Feeling CD Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

Feeling @ Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluflte Achieve

Feeling@ Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

Feeling @ Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

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List self-defeating BEHAVIORS you starred because you want to modify and create goals and action plan.

Behavior CD Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

Behavior@ Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

Behavior@ Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

Behavior ® Goal Action Plan

Date to: Implement Evaluate Achieve

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List those Thoughts, Feelings or Behaviors that are subjectively distorted and exaggerated in a negative direction (the ones you put a # next to). Your goal is to realistically reduce their negative influence on your self-confidence and self-esteem.

# Thoughts

# Feelings

# Behaviors

Be conscious of their influence and work to reduce the "noise" level.

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Shame & Blame/Prideful Accounting

List the accounting principles that you ./ as needing to apply to your SELF management.

Set goals to update and modifY your accounting system for both accounts:

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