Active Communication

Active Communication

ACTIVE COMMUNICATION


Communication is the art of establishing shared meaning between and among individuals.Communication has two forms: Verbal and non-verbal.

Verbal communication is the use of words in expressing our meaning and feelings;Non-verbal communication is composed of our body language (posture, eye contact, gesture, etc.) and speech related factors such as voice, pitch, tone, volume, pauses, sighs, speed, etc.


Communication effectively is not only what we say but also how we say it.

In a helping relationship, we should give equal attention to our verbal and non-verbal communication in order to ensure shared understanding and facilitate disclosure of the helpee.There are three key dimensions in active communication: congruence between verbal and non-verbal, effective non-verbal and accurate expression of feelings.


Congruence between verbal and non-verbal behavior or cues is a necessary ingredient in building trust between helper and helpee, it is a means for conveying sincerity and genuineness.For example: If you wish to express

warmth, your words, your facial expressions, tone of voice, posture and your behavior must all communicate warmth.Sending contradictory messages will send negative signals t the helpee. He/she may feel that you are deceiving him/her or that are not trustworthy. This can make him/her anxious and/or uncomfortable about his/her relationship with you.


For a person to believe your expression of feelings is real and genuine, the verbal, non0verbal and behavioral messages you send must all be congruent.Non-verbal are as important as verbal communication. Non-verbal behavior can either facilitate or disrupt the process of helping. Thus, a peer helper needs to be adept in communicating non-verbally as well as verbally.Non-verbal behavior which disrupts the helping relationship and delays the development of trust and rapport is considered as non-helping.


Non-helping non-verbal behavior can be seen in one’s face, eyes, hands, voice inflection as well as the body as a whole.

Here are some non-verbal behaviors which are non-helping and should be avoided:For the eyes, negative behavior can

consist of looking away when speaking or having a blank stare.Unpleasant facial expressions can include a frown, pursing lips or the raising of the eyebrows.


Distracting actions which can be interpreted as lack of interest can include the hands fidgeting, playing with things or tapping on chairs or tables.Unwelcoming actions may include the body posed in a threatening way or distant manner or sitting behind a desk.Another threatening gesture is the clenching of fists and shaking a finger at another person.The shrugging of shoulders must also be avoided as this can communicate a “doesn’t care attitude”.


The voice, too, may serve as a barrier to communication and understanding. It may either be too loud, too soft or harsh or be viewed as disinterest or tired, especially if coupled with numerous sighs and yawns.

There are five non-verbal behaviors which will help create the MAGIC to build the helping relationship.

M- aintening eye contact.A- pleasing facial expression.G- entle hand gestures.I- nspiring, welcoming and warm tone of voice.C- onveying agreement or appreciating by nodding or using positive verbal statements.


Often, helping relationships are hindered by inability to express and talk about one’s feelings. This is true for both helper and helpee.This is partly cultural in that many of

us have been taught that it is safer and more socially acceptable to hide or ignore ones feelings.We have been told that one indication of maturity is not being “too emotional” or not “showing one’s feelings”.We were trained to use our heads more often than our hearts.


Over the years, these cultural scripts have led us lose out ability to differentiate among various feelings. We often tend to rely on a few simple words to describe how we are feeling, no matter how/what we really feel (e.g. okay, good, “ayos lang” etc.When we say we are sad

(malungkot), we could also be feeling hurt, angry, scared, uncomfortable or unsure.We might only say that we are sad and not use the other feeling words that are also descriptive of what we are experiencing.


As a Peer Helper you need to expand your own feeling-word vocabulary so that you can respond more precisely when expressing how you feel about a particular topic.You need to be aware of the times

when more than one feeling word is needed to clearly explain what you are experiencing.Feeling have tremendous influence on

one’s behavior. When you listen to what people are feeling, as well as what they are saying, you’ll find yourself better able to understand and to accurately respond to them.


They will feel more comfortable and relaxed when talking with you because you will be showing them, through your choice of words, that you do understand how they see and feel about things.As peer helper, you need to encourage your helpee to freely and accurately describe and express their feelings.

Asking open questions or probing is a necessary part of facilitating your helpee’s ability to get in touch with his/her real feelings.


Communication may not always be as easy and smooth as sailing on a clear sea. There are ICEBERGS which can block our ability to understand and be understand.An effective peer helper needs to know the ICEBERGS and be on the look out for them. These are barriers to effective communication and can damage the peer helping relationship.I ntimidating, Threatening, Warning.

For example: “If you don’t, then…”, “You’d better, or else….”.


These type of statements can cause resentments, anger, rebellion. Likewise, focusing heavily on just the negatives of a situation can create the impression that you are threatening the helpee. You must always present a balanced view of the problem and be able to assist the helpee to see both sides of any situation.Continuous and incessant questioning can also be intimidating and threatening. It can create the impression that the helpee is “under trial” or is being “investigated”.


As a peer helper, you must be able to pace your questions so that the helpee feels you are jst having a friendly conversation rather than an inquisition.

C ommanding, Ordering.“You must….”, “You have to…”,

“You will”These types of statements will make you should like a “boss” rather than a helper. On the other hand, the helpee will tend to just follow what you say since it will save him/her the trouble of thinking for him/herself.


Thus, you will be effectively robbing her/him of the chance to think for him/herself.Bringing this a step further, you mau have hindered the development of decision-making skills.

E xcessively arguing.“Here is why you are wrong….”“ The facts are….”, “Yes, but….”

In your eagerness to make the helpee “see the light” , you may try too hard and consume more talking time than you ought to.


As a result, the helpee may feel that you are “pressuring” and this may turn him/her off.This may also create a defensive and emotionally-changed environment.

B laming, Judging, Criticizing.“You are not thinking maturely….”“You are lazy…”, :You are stupid”.

These statements can only make the helpee feel guilty, incompetent and/or stupid. They diminish self-confidence and thus, cut-off communication for fear of negative judgment or bawling out.


They also diminish the helpee’s self-esteem and feeling of importance.

The usual effect is that the person will refuse to talk because “less talk, less mistake, and less critical/blaming comment”.E xcessively Diagnosing and Analyzing.

“Whats wrong with you is….”“ You’re just tired….”“ You don’t really mean that….”

These statements can either be threatening and/or frustrating. It can be threatening especially if it pertains to personal values and/or closely


held secrets which can be subject to exposure or distortion. On the other hand, it can be extremely frustrating to even just think of a way to get out of the web of diagnosis and analysis. The person can feel trapped, exposed or not believe and this can make him/her stop from communicating.These statements provoke defensive

position and counter-arguments. Thus, they can cause the person to feel inferior and inadequate.Finally, it may cause a person to

“turn-off” the speaker and to quit listening.


R idiculing/Sarcasm Name Calling.“Cry baby….”, “Okey Mr. Smith….”.

These statement can cause a person to feel unworthy/unloved.

They can also have a devastating effect on self-image.Most often, it provokes verbal and/or physical retaliation.


G iving Solutions, Advising.“What I would do is….”, “Let me

suggest…”,“Why don’t you…”.

This implies that the person is not able to solve his/her problems.

It can cause dependency, or resistance because it prevents a person from thinking through a problem, considering alternatives and trying them out for reality.


S ermonizing.“You should…”, “You ought to….”,“It is your responsibility….”.

This gives the helpee the impression that you consider his/her problems as unimportant/petty or that you do not understand/empathize with his/her situation.This discourages the person from further openness or disclosure, as such openness only means more judgment and criticism.


These types of statements communicates lack of trust in a person’s sense of responsibility. They create “obligations” or guilt feeling. Thus, they can cause a person to “dig in” and defend his/her position even more.Communicating Effectively is not only what we say but also how we say it. Through what we say and how we say it, people get an idea whether we are concerned, whether we care and whether we emphasize them, or not.Active communication is the bridge which will help us build shared meanings and a better relationship with our helpee.

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Active Communication