Previously in Ruth’s (un)Officially Wacky Boolprop Challenge… During college, Oakapple Shankel lost both his fangirls and his fiancée to his brother, Adam. This sent him into a tailspin involving bubbles, juice, fights, casual relationships, and so forth. Oakapple was pulled out of the tailspin by his best friend Oliver and by Adam, who promised to fix everything and find someone to love Oakapple. Adam tried this fix via a love potion slipped to Oakapple at Adam’s wedding. Unfortunately, it backfired, and the only way to break the spell was for someone to sacrifice themselves to the ancient Chaldean equivalent of the devil. Oakapple volunteered. Adam then tried to resurrect his brother, but since the family did not have quite enough cash, Oakapple came back as a zombie. Oakapple moved out before Adam could attempt to “fix” anything else. Oliver revealed that he cared about Oakapple even without a love potion, and with the personality modifications due to becoming a zombie, Oakapple began to think that he might return Oliver’s affections. That’s when Celeste Kalson showed up on the doorstep, announcing she was Oakapple’s fiancée. Things have gone badly enough that they are now in need of Arbitration…

OAKAPPLE SHANKEL: Hello. Is this… Room 903? EDGAR MILLER: Yes. How can I help you? OAKAPPLE: I’m the, uh… “Party of the… First Part.”

EDGAR: Ah, yes. You’re the one who’s trying to get out of marrying a perfectly nice girl. OAKAPPLE: Have you… even met her? EDGAR: No, but her name is “Celeste.” (sighs romantically) How perfect must she be, to be called “Heavenly”! OAKAPPLE (dubiously): It’s just… a name. How did you… get to be… an impartial arbitrator?

EDGAR (V.O.): Oh, I used to listen to all my friends in college. I was pretty good at helping them work stuff out. And I like helping make people happy. OAKAPPLE (V.O.): You don’t… get special training… or anything? EDGAR (V.O.) (puzzled): I wouldn’t need special training to perform surgery – why would I need it to listen to people? And to figure out how much money you owe Celeste for jilting her, of course. OAKAPPLE (V.O.) (mutters): I should have… sprung for a… real trial.

CELESTE KALSON: Hello? Is this Room 903? EDGAR: Yes, it is. How can I help you? CELESTE: I’m the “Party of the Second Part.”

EDGAR: “Heavenly” indeed! Now tell me, Celeste, just what’s going on? CELESTE: He said he’d marry me! And now he says he won’t! OAKAPPLE: I don’t remember… saying that. I… may have been… on bubbles. CELESTE: Well, whether he remembers or not, he said he’d marry me! And I already bought my trousseau!

OAKAPPLE: What’s a… “trousseau”? EDGAR: It’s the personal possessions of a bride, usually including clothing, accessories, and household goods. CELESTE: And lingerie. Don’t forget the lingerie. From Victoria’s Secret, no less! OAKAPPLE: They’re pretty… expensive.* CELESTE: Exactly! So if he won’t marry me, I’m asking for damages! Fifty thousand ought to cover it. OAKAPPLE: Fifty thou – ! *Oakapple knows this because he used to buy Dial-A-Shimmer Body Lotion from Victoria’s Secret, and he would see the sale signs. Not because he wears women’s underwear.

OAKAPPLE: Look, you know… how it is. You… love this one… today and that one… tomorrow. So I’m… happy to marry… this one today… if I can marry… that one tomorrow. EDGAR: Well, that sounds reasonable to me. (to Celeste) What do you think?

CELESTE: I’m sorry, sir, but that’s a crime. EDGAR: Really? What crime is that? CELESTE: Burglary. EDGAR: Oh. Well. Tsk tsk. Can’t have burglary, now, can we?

OAKAPPLE: But I’d be… a terrible husband! I’d… get drunk, and then… I’d beat her… and kick her. CELESTE: I don’t care! I love him, I love him, I love him! I’ll never love anybody else ever, ever, ever, and I’ll die old, lonely, and alone! – Remember that when you’re figuring damages.

EDGAR: Well, now, it sounds like the question is whether Oakapple here will be a mean drunk or not. Tell you what: let’s get him drunk and find out. CELESTE: Okay! OAKAPPLE: No! I’m… eleven months sober! EDGAR: Well, fine! You don’t like any of my suggestions, so here’s how we’ll settle it…

EDGAR: I’ll marry her myself! CELESTE: Squeeeeeee! He’s rich! OAKAPPLE (to himself): Thank Esme!

SONG.

Oh, joy unbounded, With wealth surrounded,

The knell is sounded Of grief and woe.

SONG.

It seems to me, sir, Of such as she, sir, A judge is he, sir,

SONG.

And a good judge, too!*

*Adapted from W.S. Gilbert, Trial by Jury, song 14. Available from http://math.boisestate.edu/GaS/trial/webopera/tbj14.html; accessed 5 June 2011.

Notes, disclaimers, and other trivia This brief interlude is based on Trial by Jury, which was actually Gilbert & Sullivan’s second collaboration, but which is the oldest one to survive. (Apparently, their first collaboration – Thespis, or, The Gods Grown Old – was so bad that the score and libretto were “accidentally” lost pretty quickly.) It runs for a whopping half hour, and is usually performed on a double bill with The Sorcerer, which is also short. Since I used The Sorcerer, I thought it was only fair to use Trial by Jury too. The original was set during a trial for “breach of promise,” or reneging on a promise to marry a woman. This was never grounds for a lawsuit in the States, and hasn’t been one in Britain since the 1970s, so I had the parties hire an arbitrator instead.

Oh, and the reason Oakapple doesn’t remember proposing to Celeste? He never did. She was a matchmaker drop for Eddie, who couldn’t have been more thrilled. Until next time, happy Simming!