Hello! We are nearing the end of the run of Ruth’s (un)Officially Wacky Boolprop Challenge, and since we are also nearing the end of the available pool of Gilbert & Sullivan Plots, that’s probably just as well. My readers are unlikely to recognize this Plot, but it’s the one that provided the final convincing that Gilbert & Sullivan was the right theme to go with.

As is usual, let’s let the orchestra tune up and the overture play while we meet the players.

Olga Shankel, the oldest sister, is not the heiress. She is instead a Goth, if by “Goth” you mean “someone who wears predominantly black.”

Pitti-Sing Shankel, the “middle child” of the title, is also not the heiress. When she was a child, her grandfather betrothed her to the son of an economically disadvantaged friend. Pitti-Sing is not interested in marrying anybody who is “poor as a rat,” and intends to ignore her grandfather’s machinations.

Casilda Shankel, the youngest, is the heiress, and has had a really quite unremarkable life, unless you count her penchant for “princess-y” clothing. Of course, she makes it look good, so I suppose that could be considered remarkable.

Caryl Jung is Olga’s girlfriend, who has repeatedly turned down Olga’s proposals of marriage on the grounds that Olga is “not Goth enough.” Since all this means is that Olga’s transition outfit when she came to Uni was pink and green, Olga is somewhat frustrated with the state of things.

Dongsool Wheeler was Casilda’s beau in high school until he graduated. (He’s a bit older than she.) Now that they are both in Uni, the relationship has rekindled, to Dongsool and Casilda’s mutual satisfaction.

The Official story is that Alec London was a fortunate matchmaker drop for Pitti-Sing after she started Uni, and far be it from me to dispute the Official story!

Winifred Tsvirkunov is an aspiring businesswoman, one of the other residents in the dorm, and some sort of fifth cousin or something to the Shankel sisters – not that any of them would know that without consulting a genealogical chart.

Allyn Tsvirkunov is Winifred’s cousin (by adoption), friend to Olga, and aspiring mother. She is generally always cheerful.

Ryan Wheeler (no relation to Dongsool) is the Bohemian townie that Allyn has chosen to help her with her maternal aspirations. He knows all kinds of interesting-but-useless factoids.

Beaudelaire Rossi is Pitti-Sing’s Official betrothed. Although he and Pitti-Sing have never met, he has been looking forward to their marriage for some time and has prepared in every way he can to be a good husband and (hopefully someday) a good father.

Genevive Rossi is Beaudelaire’s older sister, currently in law school. She supports her little brother in most things, even if she thinks them ridiculous.

And now that the overture is over, the curtain rises, and our story begins…

As the curtain rises, Olga is having pizza with her friend Allyn and Allyn’s boyfriend Ryan, since the two are pretty well a package deal at this point.

OLGA: I don’t know why Caryl’s so set on dying as proof of goth-ness! I don’t see why I can’t just get a tattoo instead.ALLYN: I thought the reason you didn’t want to just go repair a TV with no mechanical points is that you were afraid of pain. A tattoo would hurt a lot worse.RYAN: If you want to be dead, why don’t you just play rock paper scissors?OLGA: Sure, because that’s invariably fatal. (rolls eyes)

RYAN: No, look, it’s simple. There’s this weird old law on the books that says that two people can play rock paper scissors, and the loser dies.OLGA: How does that work exactly?RYAN: It’s only a legal death. You just have to declare a duel and have witnesses. The loser is Officially dead, even if they’re still breathing and walking around. The winner takes the loser’s place, has to pay their debts, keep their promises, and attend all their family reunions.ALLYN: Even the boring ones?RYAN: Especially the boring ones.OLGA: I can work with that. Thanks – you’re a mensch!

PITTI-SING: Hello, Alec. (airkiss) I was just getting ready to head off to class. What was so important that you couldn’t wait?ALEC: Hello, darling. (airkiss) I was just sitting at home thinking, and I suddenly had a thought, and I decided I had to rush over here right away and run it past you.PITTI-SING: Okay, then. What is it?

ALEC: Will you marry me?PITTI-SING: Squeeeeeeeee! Of course I will, Alec! Of course! (hugs Alec, who picks her up and swings her around in a circle) But put me down now! I have to go to class – I’ve got a test today, and it’s forty percent of my grade!

The time is now 1:40 p.m.

OLGA: Caryl, I have something important to ask you.CARYL: You are still not goth enough. I vill say this as many times as you vant me to, but it is still true. (to barrista) Danke.OLGA: No, but listen. I’ve figured out a quick, easy, and painless way to die for you to prove how goth I really am.CARYL: I am listening.OLGA: Rock paper scissors. (as Caryl scoffs) No, no listen: There’s this really obscure law that says you can play rock paper scissors as a duel, and the loser is legally dead. So all I have to do is get someone to play a game, declare it a duel, and then I’ve died for you! What do you think?

CARYL: (sips coffee thoughtfully) Vell, I think that if you really do this thing und are dead, that vould kount.OLGA: So you’ll marry me?CARYL: Tell you vhat: If you die, I vill marry you. It is a konditional engagement. (as her phone alarm goes off) Is that the time already? I have to go to klass.

The time is now 1:45 p.m.

DONGSOOL: I missed you when you weren’t here.CASILDA (teasingly): You didn’t have lots of other girlfriends to keep you busy?DONGSOOL: No. You’re the only girl for me. Always have been. And I hope you always will be?CASILDA (cheerfully): Naturally – til death do us part. Just you try getting rid of me!

The time is now 2:00 p.m.

GENEVIVE: Stop tugging at that, Beaudelaire! You have to return it to Nicholas tomorrow! What if it rips?BEAUDELAIRE: But I don’t feel secure! This thing is going to come apart and fall open like a hospital gown, I just know it.GENEVIVE: It is not. You’re wearing multiple belts. And even if you weren’t, you’ve got pants under.BEAUDELAIRE: Drawstring pants. You know how I feel about drawstring pants. If the drawstring gives out, there’s nothing to stop the pants falling down.

GENEVIVE: Name one time in the history of ever that that’s actually happened. (catches Winifred’s eye) Excuse me – we’re looking for a Pitti-Sing Shankel. Do you know how we could find out where she is?WINIFRED: Oh, I know Pitti-Sing. This time of day, she’ll be at class. You want the lecture hall. Go to the corner there, turn left, and it’s third on your right.GENEVIVE: Thank you. (to Beaudelaire) Beaudelaire! Quit it!

OLGA: Casilda! Casilda! You have to help me!CASILDA: What? Why? What’s wrong?OLGA: You know how Caryl said she won’t marry me unless I prove I’m Goth? And that she said dying was a good way to do that?CASILDA: Yes. It sounds pretty messed up to me.OLGA: Well, never mind that. I’ve figured out a way to do it.CASILDA: I’m not going to let you hurt yourself.

OLGA: I don’t have to! See, there’s this really old law on the books. All we have to do is play rock paper scissors and the loser – that’s me – is legally dead and the winner – that’s you – is legally me.CASILDA: So then I’m dead?OLGA: No no no. You get my life and I’m dead. Oh, we’ll need a witness. (to random dormie) Hey you, goatee boy, watch this, willya? (to Casilda) Okay, you throw paper and I’ll throw rock.

OLGA: Ha! It worked! I’m dead! I’ll go call Caryl to come over right away, so we can get engaged properly! Thanks, Cass! (walks away, whistling cheerfully)

WINIFRED: Oh, hey, Pitti-Sing – a guy and a girl came around asking for you earlier.PITTI-SING: Really? Who?WINIFRED: Didn’t ask their names.PITTI-SING: Was the guy tall? Blond hair? Kind of a lumpy nose?WINIFRED: No. They were both about your height. Red hair.PITTI-SING: (mouth works with no sound; finally) Red hair?WINIFRED: Yeah, red hair. The guy had pointy ears.PITTI-SING: (stifled shriek) They’ve found me! The League has found me! Oh, what will I do?! (flees)

PITTI-SING: Casilda! Casilda! You have to help me!CASILDA: Oh, fantastic. What now?PITTI-SING: The Red-Headed League is after me! They want to kill me!CASILDA: (sighs) Pitti-Sing, there isn’t a Red-Headed League. Olga made it up.PITTI-SING: She did not! They’re really real, and they’re here to kill me!CASILDA: They are not.

PITTI-SING: They are too real! I read about them in a book! And the author was both a knight and a doctor, so there!CASILDA: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle? Pitti-Sing, the man believed in fairies.PITTI-SING (triumphantly): And what is Auntie Leila*, chopped liver? The League is real, and they are out to get me. Please help me, Cass, please please please please?

*Auntie Leila is a fairy, with wings and everything. See The Jack Point Home for Pedestrian Playables, available on my LJ.

CASILDA: No.PITTI-SING: Please? Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please – CASILDA: Okay, okay, Lanthee! Just calm down, okay? Look, we’ll… we’ll play rock paper scissors, okay?PITTI-SING: How will that help?!

CASILDA: Because there’s some law or something that if you have a rock paper scissors duel in front of people, then the loser is officially dead. The Red-Headed League can’t kill you if you’re already dead, right?PITTI-SING: I guess not… But what if I don’t lose?CASILDA (firmly): We will cheat. You throw paper and I’ll throw scissors, and you can’t possibly win.

PITTI-SING: That sounds like a plan. But where will we get witnesses in my dorm room?CASILDA: Aw, bless! They’ve been watching us through that very monitor for the past twenty-two slides.

And now that Pitti-Sing has lost – or won, depending on how you look at it – this is a good time to ring down the curtain on Act I. I am sure that Pitti-Sing will come to life again next episode, since there’s got to be some way of reversing this thing, doesn’t there?

I hope you’ll join me for Act II to find out. Until next time, Happy Simming!