Welcome back to Myrna, or, Oakapple’s Own! In Act I, we learned that all the girls were in love with Oakapple Shankel because he looks and acts just like Edwin Collins from The Gloaming. Oakapple revealed that he deliberately cultivates the resemblance to attract girls. However, his ruse was unsuccessful in attracting the girl he really wanted, Myrna Sanders, since Myrna has loved Oakapple’s brother Old Adam since childhood. Adam loves Myrna as well, but due to the fact that Adam is a genuine vampire and therefore nocturnal, they had not seen each other for years. Unfortunately, they reunited only after Myrna had read The Gloaming, and was thus unable to love a man who would make her happy: The Gloaming teaches that to love is to suffer. A rejected Oakapple decided to raffle himself off, but Myrna interrupted the raffle and offered to marry him on the grounds that such a marriage would be full of suffering. Oakapple accepted, to the distress of his fangirls (and the delight of their former suitors), but the gathering was interrupted again by the appearance of Adam. Oakapple’s fangirls promptly transferred their affections to Adam, to the horror and frustration of everyone else. As Act II opens, all the players are thoroughly miserable – which is the epitome of true love. …Isn’t it?

LOUISE: Oh, he’s perfect, isn’t he? HEATHER: Beautiful! As beautiful as the sun that he will never see! SAMANTHA: And he’ll never look at us mere mortals. BRENDA: Never, never, never. LOUISE: We’ll grow old and die and he’ll never even look at us like that. (All sigh deeply)

MYRNA: Buttercup? BUTTERCUP (yawns): Oh, hey, Myrna. Good morning. MYRNA: I thought your room was that way. What are you doing coming out of Albert’s room? BUTTERCUP: Oh, you’re so sweet when you’re clueless, Myrna. (impulsively hugs her) I’m glad you’re going to be my sister-in-law. Don’t ever change, okay? MYRNA (uncertainly): Okay… MYRNA (to herself): Oh, if only I could be your sister-in-law through your other brother! Speaking of whom…

OLD ADAM: Ladies, please believe me: I am much flattered by all this admiration. But you have been following me around since book rush,* and here it is finals week.** I should very much like to enjoy the usual Spring Break. GIRLS: But we love you! OLD ADAM: (sighs) Ladies, do not forget the fable of the magnet and the churn. *Book rush (noun): The first week of classes, when everyone rushes to buy their books. **Finals week (noun): The last week of the quarter/semester, when regular classes are cancelled and there are only final exams.

SAMANTHA: ….Wwwwwwe don’t know that one… OLD ADAM: You don’t? Then I shall tell it you. There was a magnet hung in a hardware shop, and all the iron things loved him madly. But the magnet ignored them all, instead setting his sights on a silver churn. “For,” said he, “If I can attract all this ordinary metal, why can I not attract a silver churn?” LOUISE: But silver’s not magnetic. It wouldn’t work. OLD ADAM: Precisely! It couldn’t work, it didn’t work, and they were all miserable ever after. The end.

HEATHER: I don’t get it. OLD ADAM: What’s not to get? You ladies are all magnets; I am a silver churn. Your efforts are doomed to failure. Be happy in your natural sphere and please leave me be! (Girls leave with bad grace) BRENDA (whispers to Louise): What did he mean, he’s a silver churn? Does he mean that he’s rich, or beautiful, or completely useless, or what? I’m confused…

MYRNA (tentatively): Hello, Adam. OLD ADAM: Myrna! Hello! How – (remembers he’s talking to his brother’s fiancée) How are you? Are you well? MYRNA: I’m fine, thanks. And you? OLD ADAM: Quite well, thank you. MYRNA: Um… (studies her shoes) OLD ADAM: Yes… (studies the ceiling) MYRNA and OLD ADAM (simultaneously): Do you ever think about me?

MYRNA: All the time! I’m miserable being engaged to Oakapple. OLD ADAM (joyfully): Then, Myrna – ! MYRNA: No, Adam. Love is suffering. I must – I must love Oakapple very much. OLD ADAM: Well, Myrna, if you love Oakapple so, I will not stand in your way. MYRNA: But – you do think of me? OLD ADAM: Often. MYRNA: And it rips your heart out? OLD ADAM: Rips my heart out and stomps on it repeatedly, yes. MYRNA: That’s good. Our love can never be, but that’s good. (choked up) Goodbye, Adam! OLD ADAM: Goodbye, my own!

Fortunately, not everyone in the Shankel family is having trouble with their love life. Buttercup attended the traditional pre-graduation bonfire with Albert, and they had a great time in spite of the drizzle. Buttercup was even tolerant when Albert announced he was going to search for seashells.

BUTTERCUP: Finding anything? ALBERT: Well, these aren’t exactly the best conditions… BUTTERCUP: I could have told you that. You wanna go get some juice? ALBERT: Oh, hey, wait! I found something! BUTTERCUP (surprised): You did? Let me see.

ALBERT: Now, I don’t know that this is going to be something that you’re really up for, but I’d just like to remind you of the many tax advantages of being married… BUTTERCUP: Oh, shut up.

BUTTERCUP: I don’t give a crap about tax advantages! (sniffles) I’d’ve said yes any time you cared to ask in the last five and a half years! ALBERT (puzzled): Since high school? BUTTERCUP (exasperated): YES since high school, you dope! ALBERT: Did we even know each other back then?* BUTTERCUP: Oh, shut up and kiss me! *They only knew each other by sight in high school. Just in case you were wondering.

Buttercup and Albert then graduated. Neither did particularly well in the Transition Clothing Lottery. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with Albert’s outfit – it’s just the one his father wore his entire adult life. Nobody likes to dress like their dad. But let’s see how Buttercup’s brothers are dealing with their romantic troubles.

OAKAPPLE: I don’t get it, Abbey. Why doesn’t anybody like me any more? Where are my adoring crowds? ABBEY (loyally): I’m here for you, Appie. OAKAPPLE (automatically): Don’t call me that. What does Adam have that I don’t have? I sparkle, for Esme’s sake! ABBEY: I know, Appie, and I think you’re perfect. I’ll never leave you! OAKAPPLE: (mutters) Fan-freaking-tastic. (out loud) Don’t call me that. I don’t want Adam around, not as a vampire. He’s not all that special. Hell, he wets himself if he doesn’t get back from class fast enough!* And everyone’s mooning over him like he’s the next expansion pack or something! *True.

ABBEY: Then what are you sitting here for? OAKAPPLE: But what can I do? He’s my brother! And he’s already dead! ABBEY: Oh, and matchmakers don’t exist? Just tell him he better buy some Vamprocillin or else! OAKAPPLE: Or else what? ABBEY: You’re his brother – you don’t have anything you can blackmail him with? OAKAPPLE: Well… ABBEY: So you go to him and you say “Buy some Vamprocillin or else!” That’s what you do! (fondly) And then everyone will see how wonderful my Appie really is. OAKAPPLE (automatically): Don’t call me that.

And because I can’t think of a good transition to the next scene, let me just point out that this was about the time the Unsavory Charlatan started hanging around. I so wish he wasn’t technically an object. He’d be perfect for use in another Plot… But let’s get back to this Plot, shall we?

CHARLOTTE (pulling at her false vampire fangs in a futile attempt to make them fit): Diff iff widiculouff! How awe we ffuppoffed to tawk wiff dese ffings in? DANTE: You can’t have them in wight, Chawlie. I’m doing ffine. DECARTES: Except you’re spitting on yourself when you say “fine.” DANTE: I am? Oh ffnap. CHARLOTTE: And why do I haff to weaw diff fftupid dweffff? (pauses to wipe spit off her chin) It pinches, and it’ff inpoffffibwe to wawk in. DECARTES: It’s going to take some practice, is all. You can’t go vampiric overnight, y’know. We’ll practice on the way over.

DECARTES: Okay, count of three: one… two… three. (disgusted) Oh, come on, Don! You call that a scary vampire face? DANTE (defensively): I have nine Nice pointff! I don’t want to scawe anyone! DECARTES: I just hope they forgive us, that’s all. Let’s go in.

SAMANTHA: Squeeeeee! Look, Louise! They’re trying to be vampires! Isn’t it adorable? LOUISE: Ooooh, yes! They don’t quite have it down yet… SAMANTHA: Oh no, not quite. But they’ve made a very good start. DECARTES: Ladies, we want you to know that we are doing this for you. LOUISE: For us? DECARTES: Yes, for you. We know that we don’t quite have it right, but we hope that you will be patient with us, and teach us the correct way to do things.

LOUISE: Oh, I think we can do that, don’t you, Sam? SAMANTHA: Yes, we can do that. LOUISE: And once you get it quite right, then we’d be happy to marry you. CHARLOTTE: Nawwy uff! Uh – nawwy who, effactly?

DECARTES: Oh, it will all work out. (pointing as he speaks) See, if I choose to marry you then you can marry her. But if I chose to marry you instead, then you can marry her. Or maybe I’ll pick someone else entirely. CHARLOTTE (huffily): Why do you get fiwfft pick? DECARTES (matter-of-factly): Because I am made of Awesome. CHARLOTTE: Oh, wight. DANTE: Wait, I’m confuffed.

DECARTES: No no no, it’s really simple. Look, if I decide to marry Louise, then Don can marry Samantha. CHARLOTTE: What abouwt ne? DESCARTES and DANTE: You’ll have our heartfelt sympathy.* * Or “ouw hawfewt ffympaffy” in Dante’s case.

DECARTES: Or if I decide that I’d rather have Samantha, then Charlie can have Louise. DANTE: Wait – what about me? DESCARTES and CHARLOTTE: You’ll have our heartfelt sympathy.** ** Actually “ouw heawtfewt ffynpaffffy” in Charlie’s case.

DECARTES: Or, option three, I don’t take either one of them. Then Charlie can have Louise, and Don can have Samantha, and I’ll have – CHARLOTTE and DANTE: Ouw hawtffewt ffffynpaffffy. DANTE: Quite ffpitting on me, Chawlie. DECARTES (ignoring Dante): See, easy as pie.

Would you like to keep a vampire alive at Uni? It’s not easy. You need multiple tricks at your disposal.

Trick #1: A locked door. This prevents anyone from sleeping in the coffin when your vampire needs it to prevent instant death.

Trick #2: A carefully designed dorm room. This means that if the vampire gets out of their coffin to take care of something, they don’t have to go very far to do it. I recommend springing for the really expensive toilet, since you can raise both Comfort and Bladder with it. Don’t bother with a tub – showers are much faster.

Trick #3: Pizza. Nothing raises a Hunger bar faster than pizza – nothing. It will keep forever in a Sim’s inventory, so one pizza can last up to half a semester.

Adam’s pizza comes from Cham Hoh Greek House, courtesy of Edgar. SAMANTHA: Thanks, Eddie! I don’t know what we’d do if he starved to death. (sighs) Did I tell you he’s perfect? EDGAR (politely): Really? Well, you let me know any time you need more. I get the stuff free – it’s practically coming out my ears at this point. But playing a vampire through Uni is hard work. Which is why I’m very glad that Oakapple took Abbey’s advice.

OAKAPPLE: So listen. All the girls like you better because you’re an actual vampire, and that really burns my biscuits. They’re supposed to like me. OLD ADAM: But Myrna loves you. Is that not enough?

OAKAPPLE: No. And anyway, Myrna loves you. She’s just going to marry me. So I bought you this Vamprocillin, and you’re gonna turn me vampire and then drink it. OLD ADAM: I am not. OAKAPPLE: You are too. Unless you want me to tell Mom about – OLD ADAM: Gimme that.

OLD ADAM: O, that is much better! Truly, I have not felt so alive in years! Thank you, Oakapple! You are the best brother a man could hope for, and I love you. (skips off, singing) “Conceive me if you can, An everyday young man, A commonplace type, With a stick and a pipe, And a half-bred Black-and-Tan!”

OAKAPPLE: Myrna! Myrna! I’m a vampire now! A real vampire, just like Adam! You can love me now, it’s okay! MYRNA: A… real vampire. OAKAPPLE: Uh-huh! MYRNA: And how long will you be one? OAKAPPLE: Oh, I dunno. Vampires are immortal, right? So pretty much forever, unless I get caught out in the sunlight or staked. MYRNA: Well… Oakapple… How to put this? You see, it was never the vampire thing that I liked about Adam…

LOUISE: We graduated! SAMANTHA: We’re done! LOUISE: We’re just here to say goodbye before we head back home. SAMANTHA: Don and Charlie and Descartes are here to help us move. Aren’t they sweet?

OAKAPPLE: I – You – But – What happened?! SAMANTHA: Adam’s not a vampire anymore. And if Adam the All-Right isn’t a vampire anymore, that means that vampires aren’t cool anymore. Because Adam the All-Right is never wrong. MYRNA: Adam? You’re ordinary again? OLD ADAM: Yes, Myrna. I am ordinary.

MYRNA (thinking fast): So does that mean you’re going to be a platefarter now? OLD ADAM (puzzled): I’m sorry, Myrna, but I would rather become violently constipated and require abdominal surgery than become a platefarter. Why do you ask?

MYRNA: Because I’ll be absolutely miserable if I can’t marry a platefarter. In fact, that is what I’ve always wanted most out of life. And since Oakapple is a notorious platefarter, I would be deliriously happy with him. OAKAPPLE: No, I’m not! MYRNA (ignoring him): But deliriously happy isn’t love, is it? OLD ADAM: No? MYRNA: No. So I guess I’ll just have to marry you instead, then. And you will never fart on even one plate and I will be miserable for ever and ever.

OLD ADAM: I suppose I could learn – (catches sight of Myrna’s face) Or not. No, I will never be a platefarter for you, Myrna! I’m sorry. MYRNA: Squeeeeeee!

OAKAPPLE: Wait, so does this mean the engagement’s off? EVERYONE ELSE: Yes. OAKAPPLE: But what about me?

ABBEY: I’m here for you, Appie! OAKAPPLE: Anyone else? Louise?

LOUISE: Charlotte, darling! OAKAPPLE: Samantha?

SAMANTHA: Dante! OAKAPPLE (desperately): Ollie? Come on, be a pal!

OLIVER (much amused): You were very specific, Oakapple. “Ladies only.” OAKAPPLE (grumbles): Okay, okay. (resignedly) Well, Abbey, it’s you and me til the end. I guess. ABBEY: Appie! OAKAPPLE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don’t call me that.

DECARTES: Well, ladies – I have decided. SAMANTHA: Decided what? DECARTES: Decided who I’m going to marry, of course. Hands up all the hot girls. (Everyone raises a hand except Myrna and Abbey)

DECARTES: There, see? You already have everything you need to be happy. It’s only fair that I share my sheer awesomeness with the girl who could use a little boost. Abbey? ABBEY: Me? Really? You want to marry me? DECARTES: Yup. ABBEY: Sa-weet! Sorry, Appie. We can always be friends.

Now, this is where the opera ends, with almost everyone paired off happily. But this is not a theatrical production, and my heir has to finish University for my OWBC. If you will allow me a quick disclaimer here: Old Adam is not the heir because he is marrying Myrna – he is marrying Myrna because he is the heir. There was an Official heir poll right after Oakapple was born, and Old Adam won by a landslide, probably due to his recessive red hair gene. I then chose a Plot that would work with the available configuration of Sims. When I introduced Myrna and said “…the heir to my OWBC will be the one who marries her,” that was a statement of fact, not a condition of heirship.

And for those who may not believe that Adam is an author, here is proof that he is not only published, but that he writes best-sellers. Hey, what else is there to do when the rest of the household is asleep and your needs don’t decay?

The next little while was an idyllic one for Adam and Myra, filled with Red Hands, dates, and simultaneous badge-building. Adam’s junior year re-roll left him Knowledge, which made the study even more fun. Have I mentioned that my game likes me? It’s helping me out yet again, although with points instead of Plot this time.

Myrna finished out her Senior year with a Silver Robotic Badge, which you have to admit isn’t bad for starting from zero.

Myrna’s twin sister Louise graduated at the same time, naturally enough, as did Samantha. All three did quite well in the Transition Clothing Lottery, and apparently sweater sets are the hot item this season. Louise and Samantha will get on with their lives right away, but since Myrna is a year older than Adam, she will spend her time at her parents’ house, doing her best to not gain any more skill points.

And to maintain continuity with later events, I should probably point out that this is also when Eddie graduated, leaving Cham Hoh house in the less-than-stable hands of Jay Cormier.

Now, Oliver and Adam were no problem at all for the rest of their time at school. Both spent their time studying quietly, and could often gain aspiration points by doing research together.

Old Adam even finished his Gold Robotics Badge! That means that he’s completed most of his responsibilities as heir, and he hasn’t even graduated yet. Now he just has to pop in to the family business once a day, father three children, and pose for a portrait or two. Oh, and preferably become pregnant after being abducted by aliens. Hey, being heir isn’t all strawberries and cream. No, the problem was Oakapple. He didn’t take the loss of his popularity very well, to say the least.

There was drinking. OAKAPPLE: Barkeep, I will have two bottles of whateeeeever gives the most juice content for my money. BARTENDER: I can’t serve you, sir. OAKAPPLE: Nonsensensei. I’m legal. BARTENDER: You’re also hammered. OAKAPPLE: Am not. BARTENDER: I can’t serve you, sir. OAKAPPLE: (sniffs) Very well. I will take my money and go elsssssewhere. (attempts to stand, but falls over instead) Whoops.

And, unfortunately, makeovers performed under the influence of juice. TOO-TRUSTING DORMIE: What did you do to me? OAKAPPLE: Yeah, see, I thought it’d be funny… TOO-TRUSTING DORMIE: Why would this be funny?! I should have known better than to let someone who smells like a brewery anywhere near me with a makeup case! OAKAPPLE (sullenly): Well, you have to admit it’s an imp – inp – it’s better than you used to look, anyhow. TOO-TRUSTING DORMIE: !!!! (flounces off)

There were fights.

There were angry women. OAKAPPLE: Ow! Hey! What was that for? HEATHER: You mean you don’t even remember?! OAKAPPLE: Remember what? HEATHER (slaps him again, harder): You bastard! Don’t you ever even think about calling me again!

Eventually, Adam and Oliver decided to intervene. OLIVER: Oakapple, we’re worried about you. OLD ADAM: You seem to be always on the juice now. And we think that perhaps your bubble habit is out of control as well. OAKAPPLE (sulkily): What bubble habit? Buttercup won’t give me anything. She hates me. OLD ADAM: Buttercup does not hate you. OAKAPPLE: Yes she does. Everybody hates me. OLD ADAM: That is simply not true.

OAKAPPLE: Yes it is! Why do you think I drink so much? You wouldn’t understand – everybody loves you! All the girls love you! Myrna loves you! You have friends! You write best-sellers! I bet – I bet if there was a vote to see who everybody liked better, you’d get all the votes and I wouldn’t get any at all! Not even one! Nobody loves me, and I hate you for it! OLD ADAM: I love you, Oakapple. OAKAPPLE: Oh, big whoop. (starts to cry) It’s not fair. All I want is for one person to love me, one person who isn’t related to me to think I’m great and to want to be with me and to give a rat’s backside what happens to me. Is that too much to ask? Huh?

OLD ADAM: No, of course it is not too much to ask! Everyone deserves that kind of happiness! And I am sure you will find it. OAKAPPLE: No I won’t. OLD ADAM: Yes, you will. I will make it my personal mission in life to find just such a person for you. OAKAPPLE: (sniffles) You will? OLD ADAM: I swear it. All you need to do is to tell me if you prefer eternal happiness in blonde, brunette, red, or raven. OAKAPPLE: You won’t find anybody. OLD ADAM: Oakapple, did not you yourself say that I cannot fail? OAKAPPLE: Sort of… I guess… OLD ADAM: Then cheer up, and leave all in my hands! And, uh, go brush your teeth while you’re about it.

So Oakapple brushed his teeth, and sobered up enough to avoid academic probation. Adam and Oliver rarely left him alone, which Oakapple secretly found comforting. He began looking for things other than juice that made him happy. Fish worked. OAKAPPLE: Hi, fishies! Are you liking your fish food? Yeah? Is that good? Hey, there, little guy! Are you happy to see me? (confidingly, to Oliver) The little blue guy in the back likes me, I think. See how he keeps peeking out from behind the plant? OLIVER: Yup. It’s like he’s playing peek-a-boo. Poetry also worked.

Oakapple even wrote a book of poetry, which, although not a complete flop, didn’t sell as well as Adam’s. I’m sure this sample will explain why. Oh, Hollow! Hollow! Hollow! What time the poet hath hymned The writhing maid, lithe-limbed, Quivering on amaranthine asphodel, How can he paint her woes, Knowing, as well he knows, That all can be set right with calomel?* *W. S. Gilbert, Patience, act 1, scene 4. Available from http://math.boisestate.edu/GaS/patience/webop/pat04d.html; accessed 2 May 2011.

In fact, with the help of Oliver and Adam, Oakapple was able to hold it together well enough to graduate. (Oliver and Adam had no difficulty in that regard.) They all did better than could have been but not as well as might be in the Transition Clothing Lottery, and all three moved back home. Which brings us to the very end of this chapter. I hope you enjoyed this special crossover feature. If you didn’t, well, next time around you’ll only have to read about your preferred cast of characters, and perhaps you will forgive me someday.

Notes, disclaimers, and other trivia This special two-episode crossover was based on Patience, or, Bunthorne’s Bride, a Gilbert & Sullivan opera. In that story, the two male leads are poets from competing subsets of the Aesthetic movement. (It was a huge fad in Victorian England. Think Oscar Wilde.) I chose not to adhere strictly to the whole “poet” thing because 1) nobody would get it, and 2) it would be darn near impossible without a ton of custom content – and I play without downloads. I picked vampires instead because I feel much the same way about Twilight-style vampires as Gilbert felt about Aesthetic poets. If you are a Twilight fan, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

I have deleted one scene from the opera, in which one of the Rapturous Maidens (Oakapple Fangirls in this version) worries that she is getting too old and fat to attract a man anymore. This is an accurate assessment of her situation, but since I’m using immortal dormies and young playables, it isn’t really relevant to my story.

Not all the scenes in this story correspond to scenes in the original opera. However, you can pretty much bet on any scene involving Myrna/Oakapple, Myrna/Old Adam, and/or Charlie/Don/Descartes being one of the scenes that does correspond. If you’re interested, I can give you a one-to-one equivalency key. But it would be faster and more enjoyable for you to simply rent a filmed version of the original from your local library, video store, or Netflix-equivalent. I will, however, provide you with a cast list.

Reginald Bunthorne, a Fleshly Poet (comic baritone): Oakapple Shankel Archibald Grosvenor, an Idyllic Poet (lyric baritone): Old Adam Shankel Patience, a Dairy Maid (soprano): Myrna Sanders Lieutenant the Duke of Dunstable, Officer of Dragoon Guards (tenor): Descartes Littledragon Colonel Calverley, Officer of Dragoon Guards (bass-baritone): Dante Miller Major Murgatroyd, Officer of Dragoon Guards (baritone): Charlotte Miller The Lady Angela, a Rapturous Maiden (mezzo-soprano): Samantha Littledragon The Lady Saphir, a Rapturous Maiden (mezzo-soprano or soprano): Louise Sanders The Lady Jane, a Rapturous Maiden (contralto): Abbey Tsvirkunov Mr. Bunthorne’s Solicitor (silent): Buttercup Shankel

The song Oakapple sings and dances to is “Barbie Girl” by Aqua. It is not a Gilbert & Sullivan original. Although it does make about as much sense as some of their work… The song Old Adam sings is “When I go out of door,” from Patience. It is sung after Bunthorne convinces Grosvenor to give up being a poet by threatening to curse him if he doesn’t. Grosvenor doesn’t really believe in magic, but has been wanting a suitable pretext to stop being a poet for a while. A “Black-and-Tan” is a particular breed of dog. There are two more verses to “Oakapple’s” poem, but I have spared you.

Gawaine Goodytwoshoes is from The Squeaky Clean Legacy by professorbutters. Zane Devereaux is from The Devereaux Legacy by peasant007. Spider Jerusalem Vetinari is from The Vetinari Duelegacy by DrSupremeNerd. Rolley Wonglepong is from Fair Dinkum Flamingos by joandsarah77. Ichabod Marmite is from The Marmites: love ‘em or hate ‘em by wonderfulweirdo. Go read them all – you won’t regret it.

For my Already in Progress readers, Descartes and Abbey’s relationship was never in any danger. Abbey was rolling purple heart and shiny ring Wants as early as Junior year, and she was the one who initiated the kiss that made them fall in love. Any uncertainty here was entirely due to yours truly and was introduced for reasons of Plot. Until next time, Happy Simming!