Woody Allen - God (A Play)

8/14/2019 Woody Allen - God (A Play)

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SCENE: Athens. Approximately 500 B.C. Two distraught Greeks in the center of enormous

empty amphitheatre. unset. !ne is theACTOR" the other# the WRITER. They are $oth

thinking and distracted. They should he played $y two good# $road $urles%ue clowns.

ACTOR: Nothing . . . just nothing.

WRITER: What?

ACTOR: Meaningless. It's empty.

WRITER: The ending.

ACTOR: Of course. What are we discussing? We're discussing the ending.

WRITER: We're always discussing the ending.

ACTOR: ecause it's hopeless.

WRITER: I admit it's unsatisfying.

ACTOR: !nsatisfying? It's not e"en #elie"a#le. The tric$ is to start at the ending when you

write a play. %et a good strong ending and then write #ac$wards.

WRITER: I'"e tried that. I got a play with no #eginning.

ACTOR: That's a#surd.

WRITER: surd? What's a#surd?

ACTOR: "ery play must ha"e a #eginning( middle( and end.

WRITER: Why?

ACTOR&Confidently': ecause e"erything in nature has a #eginning( middle( and end.

WRITER: What a#out a circle?

ACTOR&Thinks': O$ay . . . & circle has no #eginning( middle( or end ) #ut they're not muchfun either.

WRITER: *ia#etes( thin$ of an ending. We open in three days.

ACTOR: Not me. I'm not opening in this tur$ey. I ha"e a reputation as an actor( a

following . . . My pu#lic e+pects to see me in a suita#le "ehicle.

WRITER: May I remind you( you're a star"ing( out)of)wor$ actor whom I'"e generously

consented to let appear in my play in an effort to assist your come#ac$.

ACTOR: ,tar"ing( yes . . . Out of wor$( perhaps . . . -oping for a come#ac$( may#e ) #ut adrun$ard?


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WRITER: I ne"er said you were a drun$ard.

ACTOR: /es( #ut I'm also a drun$ard.

WRITER&in a fit of sudden inspiration': What if your character ripped a dagger from hisro#es and in a fit of fren0ied frustration( tore away at his own eyes until he #linded himself?

ACTOR: /eah( it's a great idea. -a"e you eaten anything today?

WRITER: What's wrong with it?

ACTOR: It's depressing. The audience will ta$e one loo$ at it and )

WRITER: I $now ) ma$e that funny sound with their lips.

ACTOR: It's called hissing.

WRITER: 1ust once I want to win the competition2 Once #efore my life is o"er( I want my

play to ta$e first price. &nd it's not the free case of ou0o I care a#out( it's the honor.

ACTOR&uddenly inspired': What if the $ing suddenly changed his mind? There's a positi"e

idea.

WRITER: -e'd ne"er do it.

ACTOR&elling him on it': If the 3ueen con"inced him?

WRITER: ,he wouldn't. ,he's a #itch.

ACTOR: ut if the Trojan &rmy surrendered )

WRITER: They'd fight to the death.

ACTOR: Not if &gamemnon reneged on his promise?

WRITER: It's not in his nature.

ACTOR: ut I could suddenly ta$e up arms and ma$e a stand.

WRITER: It's against your character. /ou're a coward ) an insignificant wretched sla"e with

the intelligence of a worm. Why do you thin$ I cast you?

ACTOR: I'"e just gi"en you si+ possi#le endings2

WRITER: ach more clumsy than the last.

ACTOR: It's the play that's clumsy.

WRITER: -uman #eings don't #eha"e that way. It's not in their nature.

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ACTOR: What does their nature mean? We're stuc$ with a hopeless ending.

WRITER: &s long as man is a rational animal( as a playwright( I cannot ha"e a character do

anything on stage he wouldn't do in real life.

ACTOR: May I remind you that we don't e+ist in real life.

WRITER: What do you mean?

ACTOR: /ou are aware that we're characters in a play right now in some roadway theater?

*on't get mad at me( I didn't write it.

WRITER: We're characters in a play and soon we're going to see my play . . . which is a play

within a play. &nd they're watching us.

ACTOR: /es. It's highly metaphysical( isn't it?

WRITER: Not only is it metaphysical( it's stupid2

ACTOR: Would you rather #e one of them?

WRITER&(ooking at the audience': *efinitely not. 5oo$ at them.

ACTOR: Then let's get on with it2

WRITER&)utters': They paid to get in.

ACTOR: -epatitis( I'm tal$ing to you2

WRITER: I $now( the pro#lem is the ending.

ACTOR: It's always the ending.

WRITER&uddenly to the audience': *o you fol$s ha"e any suggestions?

ACTOR: ,top tal$ing to the audience2 I'm sorry I mentioned them.

WRITER: It's #i0arre( isn't it? We're two ancient %ree$s in &thens and we're a#out to see a

play I wrote and you're acting in( and they're from 6ueens or some terri#le place li$e that and

they're watching us in someone else's play. What if they're characters in another play? &nd

someone's watching them? Or what if nothing e+ists and we're all in some#ody's dream? Or(

what's worse( what if only that fat guy in the third row e+ists?

ACTOR: That's my point. What if the uni"erse is not rational and people are not set things?

Then we could change the ending and it wouldn't ha"e to conform to any fi+ed notions. /ou

follow me?

WRITER: Of course not. &To the audience'/ou follow him? -e's an actor. ats at ,ardi's.

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ACTOR: 8lay characters would ha"e no determined traits and could choose their own

characters. I wouldn't ha"e to #e the sla"e just #ecause you wrote it that way. I could choose

to #ecome a hero.

WRITER: Then there's no play.

ACTOR: No play? %ood( I'll #e at ,ardi's.

WRITER: *ia#etes( what you're suggesting is chaos2

ACTOR: Is freedom chaos?

WRITER: Is freedom chaos? -mm . . . That's a toughie. &To the audience'Is freedom chaos?

*id any#ody out there major in philosophy?

&A GIRLfrom the audience answers'

GIRL: I did.

WRITER: Who's that?

GIRL: &ctually I majored in gym( with a philosophy minor.

WRITER: 9an you come up here?

ACTOR: What the hell are you doing?

GIRL: *oes it matter if it was roo$lyn 9ollege?

WRITER: roo$lyn 9ollege? No( we'll ta$e anything.

&he*s made her way up'

ACTOR: I am really pissed off2

WRITER: What's eating you?

ACTOR: We're in the middle of a play. Who is she?

WRITER: In fi"e minutes the &thenian *rama esti"al #egins( and I ha"e no ending for my

play2

ACTOR: ,o?

WRITER: ,erious philosophical 3uestions ha"e #een raised. *o we e+ist? *o they e+ist?

&)eaning the audience'What is the true nature of human character?

GIRL: -i. I'm *oris 5e"ine.

WRITER: I'm -epatitis and this is *ia#etes. We're ancient %ree$s.

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DORIS: I'm from %reat Nec$.

ACTOR: %et her off this stage2

WRITER&+eally looking her up and down as she*s lo,ely': ,he's "ery se+y.

ACTOR: What has that got to do with it?

DORIS: The #asic philosophical 3uestion is: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around

to hear it ) how do we $now it ma$es a noise?

&-,eryone looks around# puled o,er this'

ACTOR: Why do we care? We're on orty)fifth ,treet.

WRITER: Will you go to #ed with me?

ACTOR: 5ea"e her alone2

DORIS&ToACTOR'Mind your own #usiness.

WRITER&Calling offstage': 9an we lower the curtain here? 1ust for fi"e minutes . . . &To the

audience',it there. It'll #e a 3uic$ie.

ACTOR: This is outrageous2 It's a#surd2 &ToDORIS'*o you ha"e a friend?

DORIS: ,ure. &Calling to the audience'*iane( you want to come up here . . . I got something

going with a couple of %ree$s. &/o response',he's shy.

ACTOR: Well( we ha"e a play to do. I'm going to report this to the author.

WRITER: I amthe author2

ACTOR: I mean the original author.

WRITER&otto ,oce to theACTOR': *ia#etes( I thin$ I can score with her.

ACTOR: What do you mean( score? /ou mean intercourse ) with all these people watching?

WRITER: I'll lower the curtain. ,ome of them e"en do it. Not many( pro#a#ly.

ACTOR: /ou idiot( you're fictional( she's 1ewish ) you $now what the children will #e li$e?

WRITER: 9ome on( may#e we can get her friend up here. &TheACTORgoes to stage left to

use the telephone'*iane? This is a chance for a date with


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DORIS: I don't want to cause any trou#le.

WRITER: It's no trou#le. It's just that we'"e seemed to ha"e lost touch with reality here.

DORIS: Who $nows what reality really is?

WRITER: /ou're so right( *oris.

DORIS&1hilosophically': ,o often people thin$ they grasp reality when what the"'re really

responding to is fa$eositude.

WRITER: I ha"e an urge toward you that I'm sure is real.

DORIS: Is se+ real?

WRITER: "en if it's not( it's still one of the #est fa$e acti"ities a person can do. &2e gra$s

her# she pulls $ack'

DORIS: *on't. Not here.

WRITER: Why not?

DORIS: I don't $now. That's my line.

WRITER: -a"e you e"er made it with a fictional character #efore?

DORIS: The closest I came was an Italian.

ACTOR&2e*s on the phone. 3e hear the party on other end through a filter': -ello?

PHONE&)aid*s ,oice': -ello( Mr. &llen's residence.

ACTOR: -ello( may I spea$ to Mr. &llen?

MAID'S VOICE: Who's calling( please?

ACTOR: One of the characters in his play.

MAID: One second. Mr. &llen( there's a fictional character on the phone.

ACTOR&To the others': Now we'll see what happens with you lo"e#irds.

WOODY'S VOICE: -ello.

ACTOR: Mr. &llen?

WOODY: /es?

ACTOR: This is *ia#etes.

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WOODY: Who?

ACTOR: *ia#etes. I'm a character you created.

WOODY: Oh( yes . . . I remem#er( you're a #adly drawn character . . . "ery one)dimensional.

ACTOR: Than$s.

WOODY: -ey ) isn't the play on now?

ACTOR: That's what I'm calling a#out. We got a strange girl up on the stage and she won't

get off and -epatitis is suddenly hot for her.

WOODY: What does she loo$ li$e?

ACTOR: ,he's pretty( #ut she doesn't #elong.

WOODY: londe?

ACTOR: runette . . . long hair.

WOODY: Nice legs?

ACTOR: /es.

WOODY: %ood #reasts?

ACTOR: =ery nice.

WOODY: Aeep her there( I'll #e right o"er.

ACTOR: ,he's a philosophy student.. ut she's got no real answers . . . typical product of the

roo$lyn 9ollege cafeteria.

WOODY: That's funny( I used that line in1lay it Again# amto descri#e a girl.

ACTOR: I hope it got a #etter laugh there.

WOODY: 8ut her on.

ACTOR: On the phone?

WOODY: ,ure.

ACTOR&ToDORIS': It's for you.

DORIS&3hispers': I'"e seen him in the mo"ies. %et rid of him.

ACTOR: -e wrote the play.

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DORIS: It's pretentious.

ACTOR&nto the phone': ,he won't spea$ to you. ,he says your play is pretentious.

WOODY: Oh( 1esus. O$ay( call me #ac$ and let me $now how the play ends.

ACTOR: Cight. &2e hangs up# then does a dou$le take# realiing what the author said'

DORIS: 9an I ha"e a part in your play?

ACTOR: I don't understand. &re you an actress or a girl playing an actress?

DORIS: I always wanted to #e an actress. Mother hoped I'd #ecome a nurse. *ad felt I should

marry into society.

ACTOR: ,o what do you do for a li"ing?

DORIS: I wor$ for a company that ma$es decepti"ely shallow ser"ing dishes for 9hinese

restaurants.

&A Greek enters from the wings'

TRICHINOSIS: *ia#etes( -epatitis. It's me( Trichinosis. &Ad4li$ greetings'I ha"e just come

from a discussion with ,ocrates at the &cropolis and he pro"ed that I didn't e+ist( so I'm upset.

,till( word has it you need an ending for your play. I thin$ I ha"e just the thing.

WRITER: Ceally?

TRICHINOSIS: Who's she?

DORIS: *oris 5e"ine.

TRICHINOSIS: Not from %reat Nec$?

DORIS: /es.

TRICHINOSIS: /ou $now the Cappaports?

DORIS: Myron Cappaport?

TRICHINOSIS&/odding': We #oth wor$ed for the 5i#eral party.

DORIS: What a coincidence.

TRICHINOSIS: /ou had an affair with Mayor 5indsay.

DORIS: I wanted to ) he wouldn't.

WRITER: What's the ending?

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TRICHINOSIS: /ou're much prettier than I imagined.

DORIS: Ceally?

TRICHINOSIS: I'd li$e to sleep with you right now.

DORIS: Tonight's my night. &TRICHINOSIStakes her wrist passionately'8lease. I'm a

"irgin. Is that my line?

&ThePROMPTERwith $ook peeks out from the wings" is wearing a sweater'

PROMPTER: 8lease. I'm a "irgin. /es. &-xits'

WRITER: What's the goddamn ending?

TRICHINOSIS: -uh? Oh ) &Calls off'ellas2 &ome Greeks wheel out an ela$orate

machine'

WRITER: What the hell is that?

TRICHINOSIS: The ending for your play.

ACTOR: I don't understand.

TRICHINOSIS: This machine( which I'"e spent si+ months designing in my #rother)in)law's

shop( holds the answer.

WRITER: -ow?

TRICHINOSIS: In the final scene ) when all loo$s #lac$( and *ia#etes the hum#le sla"e is in

a position most hopeless )

ACTOR: /es?

TRICHINOSIS: Eeus( ather of the %ods( descends dramatically from on high and

#randishing his thunder#olts( #rings sal"ation to a grateful #ut impotent group of mortals.

DORIS:eus ex machina.

TRICHINOSIS: -ey ) That's a great name for this thing2

DORIS: My father wor$s for Westinghouse.

WRITER: I still don't get it.

TRICHINOSIS: Wait'll you see this thing in action. It flies Eeus in. I'm going to ma$e a

fortune with this in"ention. ,ophocles put a deposit on one. uripides wants two.

WRITER: ut that changes the meaning of the play.

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TRICHINOSIS: *on't spea$ till you see a demonstration. ursitis( get into the flying

harness.

BURSITIS: Me?

TRICHINOSIS: *o what I say. /ou won't #elie"e his.

BURSITIS: I'm afraid of that thing.

TRICHINOSIS: -e's $idding . . . %o ahead( you idiot( we're on the "erge of a sale. -e'll do

it. -a( ha . . .

BURSITIS: I don't li$e heights.

TRICHINOSIS: %et into it2 -urry up. 5et's go2 %et into your Eeus suit2 & demonstration.

&-xiting asBURSITISprotests'

BURSITIS: I want to call my agent.

WRITER: ut you're saying %od comes in at the end and sa"es e"erything.

ACTOR: I lo"e it2 It gi"es the people their money's worth.

DORIS: -e's right. It's li$e those -ollywood i#le mo"ies.

WRITER&Taking center stage a little too dramatically': ut if %od sa"es e"erything( man is

not responsi#le for his actions.

ACTOR: /ou wonder why you're not in"ited to more parties . . .

DORIS: ut without %od( the uni"erse is meaningless. 5ife is meaningless. We're

meaningless. &eadly pause'I ha"e a sudden and o"erpowering urge to get laid.

WRITER: Now I'm not in the mood.

DORIS: Ceally? Would anyone in the audience care to ma$e it with me?

ACTOR: ,top that2 &To the audience',he's not serious( fol$s.

WRITER: I'm depressed.

ACTOR: What's #othering you?

WRITER: I don't $now if I #elie"e in %od.

DORIS&To the audience': I am serious.

ACTOR: If there's no %od( who created the uni"erse?

WRITER: I'm not sure yet.

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ACTOR: Who do you mean( you're not sure yet2? When are you going to $now?

DORIS: &ny#ody out there want to sleep with me?

MAN&+ising in the audience': I'll sleep with that girl if no#ody else will.

DORIS: Will you( sir?

MAN: What's wrong with e"ery#ody? & #eautiful girl li$e that? &ren't there any red)#looded

men in the audience? /ou're all a #unch of New /or$ left)wing 1ewish intellectual commie

pin$os )

&LORENZO MILLERcomes out from wings. 2e is dressed in contemporary clothes'

LORENZO: ,it down( will you sit down?

MAN: O$ay( o$ay.

WRITER: Who are you?

LORENZO: 5oren0o Miller. I created this audience. I'm a writer.

WRITER: What do you mean?

LORENZO: I wrote: a large group of people from roo$lyn( 6ueens( Manhattan( and 5ong

Island come to the %olden Theater and watch a play. There they are.

DORIS&1ointing to the audience': /ou mean they're fictional too? &LORENZOnods'

They're not free to do as they please?

LORENZO: They thin$ they are( #ut they always do what's e+pected of them.

WOMAN&uddenly a WOMANrises in audience# %uite angrily': I'm not fictional2

LORENZO: I'm sorry( madam( #ut you are.

WOMAN: ut I ha"e a son at the -ar"ard usiness ,chool.

LORENZO: I created your sonH he's fictional. Not only is he fictional( he's homose+ual.

MAN: I'll show you how fictional I am. I'm lea"ing this theater and getting my money #ac$.

This is a stupid play. In fact( it's no play. I go to the theater( I want to see something with a

story ) with a #eginning( middle( and end ) instead of this #ullshit. %ood night. &-xits up the

aisle in a huff'

LORENZO&To the audience': Isn't he a great character. I wrote him "ery angry. 5ater he

feels guilty and commits suicide. &ound: gunshot'5ater2

MAN&+eenters with a smoking pistol': I'm sorry( did I do it too soon?


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LORENZO: %et out of here2

MAN: I'll #e at ,ardi's. &-xits'

LORENZO&n the audience# dealing with ,arious people of the actual audience': What'syour name sir? !h)huh. &Ad4li$ section# depending on what audience says'Where are you

from? Isn't he cute? %reat character. Must remind them to dress him differently. 5ater this

woman lea"es her hus#and for this guy. -ard to #elie"e( I $now. Oh ) loo$ at this guy. 5ater

he rapes that lady.

WRITER: It's terri#le #eing fictional. We're are so limited.

LORENZO: Only #y the limits of the playwright. !nfortunately you happen to ha"e #een

written #y Woody &llen. Thin$ if you were written #y ,ha$espeare.

WRITER: I don't accept it. I'm a free man and I don't need %od flying in to sa"e my play. I'ma good writer.

DORIS: /ou want to win the &thenian *rama esti"al( don't you?

WRITER&uddenly dramatic': /es. I want to #e immortal. I don't want to just die and #e

forgotten. I want my wor$s to li"e on long after my physical #ody has passed away. I want

future generations to $now I e+isted2 8lease don't let me #e a meaningless dot( drifting

through eternity. I than$ you( ladies and gentlemen. I would li$e to accept this Tony &ward

and than$ *a"id Merric$ . . .

DORIS: I don't care what any#ody says( I'm real.

LORENZO: Not really.

DORIS: I thin$( therefore I am. Or #etter yet. I feel ) I ha"e an orgasm.

LORENZO: /ou do?

DORIS: &ll the time.

LORENZO: Ceally?

DORIS: =ery fre3uently.

LORENZO: /es?

DORIS: Most of the time I do( yes.

LORENZO: /es?

DORIS: &t least half the time.

LORENZO: No.

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DORIS: I do2 With certain men . . .

LORENZO: -ard to #elie"e.

DORIS: Not necessarily through intercourse. !sually it's oral.

LORENZO: !h)huh.

DORIS: Of course I fa$e it too. I dont want to insult any#ody.

LORENZO: -a"e you e"er had an orgasm?

DORIS: Not really. No.

LORENZO: ecause none of us are real.

WRITER: ut if we 're not real( we can't die.

LORENZO: No. Not unless the playwright decides to $ill us.

WRITER: Why would he do something li$e that?

&6rom the wings#BLANCHE DuBOISenters'

BLANCHE: ecause( sugar( it satisfies something called their ) aesthetic sensi#ility.

WRITER&All turn to look at her': Who are you?

BLANCHE: lanche. lanche *uois. It means white woods. *on't get up( please ) I was

just passing through.

DORIS: What are you doing here?

BLANCHE: ,ee$ing refuge. /es ) in this old theater . . . I couldn't help o"erhearing your

con"ersation. 9ould I get a co$e with a little #our#on in it?

ACTOR&Appears. 3e didn*t realie he*d slipped away': Is a ,e"en)!p o$ay?

WRITER: Where the hell were you?

ACTOR: I went to the #athroom.

WRITER: In the middle of the play?

ACTOR: What play? &ToBLANCHE'Will you e+plain to him we're all limited.

BLANCHE: I'm afraid it's all too true. Too true and too ghastly. That's why I ran out of my

play. scaped. Oh( not that Mr. Tennessee Williams is not a "ery great writer( #ut honey ) hedropped me in the center of a nightmare. The last thing I remem#er( I was #eing ta$en out #y

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two strangers( one who held a strait jac$et. Once outside the Aowals$i residence( I #ro$e free

and ran. I'"e got to get into another play( a play where %od e+ists . . . somewhere where I can

rest at last. That's why you must put me in your play and allow Eeus( young and handsome

Eeus to triumph with his thunder#olt.

WRITER: /ou went to the #athroom?

TRICHINOSIS&-nters': Ceady for the demonstration.

BLANCHE: & demonstration. -ow wonderful.

TRICHINOSIS&Calling offstage': Ceady out there? O$ay. It's the end of the play.

"erything loo$s hopeless for the sla"e. &ll other means desert him. -e prays. %o ahead.

ACTOR: Oh( Eeus. %reat god. We are confused and helpless mortals. 8lease #e merciful and

change our li"es. &/othing happens'r . . . great Eeus . . .

TRICHINOSIS: 5et's go( fellas2 or 9hrist's sa$e.

ACTOR: Oh( great %od.

&uddenly there is thunder and fa$ulous lightning. The effect is wonderful: 7-8 descends#

hurling thunder$olts ma9estically'

BURSITIS&As 7-8': I am Eeus( %od of %ods2 Wor$er of miracles2 9reator of the

!ni"erse2 I #ring sal"ation to all2

DORIS: Wait'll Westinghouse sees this2

TRICHINOSIS: Well( -epatitis( what do you thin$?

WRITER: I lo"e it2 It's #etter than I e+pected. It's dramatic( it's flam#oyant. I'm going to win

the festi"al2 I'm a winner. It's so religious. 5oo$( I got chills2 *oris2 &2e gra$s her'

DORIS: Not now. &There is a general exit# a light change . . .'

WRITER: I must do some immediate rewrites.

TRICHINOSIS: I'll rent you my %od machine for twenty)si+ fifty an hour.

WRITER&toLORENZO': 9an you introduce my play?

LORENZO: ,ure( go ahead. &T2- all exit.LORENZOstays $ehind and faces audience. As

he speaks# a Greek CHORUSenters and sits in the $ackground of the amphitheater. 3hite4

ro$ed# naturally'%ood e"ening and welcome to the &thenian *rama esti"al. &ound:

cheering'We got a great show for you tonight. & new play #y -epatitis of Chodes( entitled(

The ,la"e. &ound: cheers',tarring *ia#etes as the sla"e( with ursitis as Eeus( lanche

*uois( and *oris 5e"ine from %reat Nec$. &Cheers'The show is #rought to you #y %regory

5ondos' 5am# Cestaurant( just opposite the 8arthenon. *on't #e a Medusa with sna$es inyourhair when you're loo$ing for a place to dine out. Try %regory 5ondos' 5am# Cestaunant.

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Cemem#er( -omer li$ed it ) and he was #lind.

&2e exits.DIABETESplays the sla,e namedPHIDIPIDESand right now# he drifts on with

another GREEK SLAVEas the CHORUStakes o,er'

CHORUS: %ather round( ye %ree$s( and heed the story of 8hidipides ) one so wise( sopassionate( so steeped in the glories of %reece.

DIABETES: My point is( what are we going to do with such a #ig horse?

FRIEND: ut they want to gi"e it to us for nothing.

DIABETES: ,o what? Who needs it? It's a #ig wooden horse . . . What the hell are we going

to do with it? It's not e"en a pretty horse. Mar$ my words( 9ratinus ) as a %ree$ statesman( I

would ne"er trust the Trojans. /ou notice they ne"er ta$e a day off?

FRIEND: *id you hear a#out 9yclops? -e got a middle eye infection.

VOICE OFF: 8hidipides2 Where is that sla"e?

DIABETES: 9oming( Master2

MASTER&-nters': 8hidipides ) there you are. There's wor$ to #e done. The grapes need

pic$ing( my chariot must #e repaired. we need water from the well ) and you're out

shmoo0ing.

DIABETES: I wasn't shmoo0ing( Master( I was discussing politics.

MASTER: & sla"e discussing politics2 -a( ha2

CHORUS: -a( ha . . . That's rich.

DIABETES: I'm sorry( Master.

MASTER: /ou and the new -e#rew sla"e clean the house. I'm e+pecting guests. Then get on

with all the other tas$s.

DIABETES: The new -e#rew?

MASTER: *oris 5e"ine.

DORIS: /ou called?

MASTER: 9lean up. 5et's go. -urry on.

CHORUS: 8oor 8hidipides. & sla"e. &nd li$e all sla"es( he longed for one thing.

DIABETES: To #e taller.

CHORUS: To #e free.

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DIABETES: I don't want to #e free.

CHORUS: No?

DIABETES: I li$e it this way. I $now what's e+pected of me. I'm ta$en care of. I don't ha"eto ma$e any choices. I was #orn a sla"e and I'll die a sla"e. I ha"e no an+iety.

CHORUS: oo . . . #oo . . .

DIABETES: &h( what do you $now( chorus #oys. &2e kissesDORIS# she pulls away'

DORIS: *on't.

DIABETES: Why not? *oris( you $now my heart is hea"y with lo"e ) or as you -e#rews are

fond of saying( I ha"e a thing for you.

DORIS: It can't wor$.

DIABETES: Why not?

DORIS: ecause you li$e #eing a sla"e and I hate it. I want my freedom. I want to tra"el and

write #oo$s( li"e in 8aris( may#e start a woman's maga0ine.

DIABETES: What's the #ig deal a#out freedom? It's dangerous. To $now one's place is safe.

*on't you see( *oris( go"ernments change hands e"ery wee$( political leaders murder one

another( cities are sac$ed( people are tortured. If there's a war( who do you thin$ gets $illed?

The free people. ut we're safe #ecause no matter who's in power( they all need someone to

do the hea"y cleaning.

&2e gra$s her'

DORIS: *on't. While I am still a sla"e I can ne"er enjoy se+.

DIABETES: Would you #e willing to fa$e it?

DORIS: orget it.

CHORUS: &nd then one day the fates lent a hand.

&The FATESenter# a couple dressed like American tourists# wearing 9ay 2awaiian shirts"

BOB has a camera around his neck'

BOB: -i( we're the ates( o# and Wendy ate. We need someone to ta$e an urgent message

to the $ing.

DIABETES: The $ing?

BOB: /ou would #e doing man$ind a great ser"ice.

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DIABETES: I would?

WENDY: /es( #ut it's a dangerous mission( and e"en though you are a sla"e( you may say

no.

DIABETES: No.

BOB: ut it will gi"e you a chance to see the palace in all its glory.

WENDY: &nd the reward is your freedom.

DIABETES: My freedom? /es( well( I'd lo"e to help you( #ut I ha"e a roast in the sto"e.

DORIS: 5et me do it.

BOB: It's too dangerous for a woman.

DIABETES: ,he's a "ery fast runner.

DORIS: 8hidipides( how can you refuse?

DIABETES: When you're a coward( certain things come easy.

WENDY: We #eg of you ) please )

BOB: The fate of man$ind hangs in the #alance.

WENDY: We'll raise the reward. reedom for you and any person of your choice.

BOB: 8lus a si+teen)piece starter set of sil"erware.

DORIS: 8hidipides( here's our chance.

CHORUS: %o ahead( you jer$.

DIABETES: & dangerous misson followed #y personal freedom? I'm getting nauseous.

WENDY&2ands him an en,elope': Ta$e this message to the $ing.

DIABETES: Why can't you ta$e it?

BOB: We're lea"ing for New /or$ in a few hours.

DORIS: 8hidipides( you say you lo"e me )

DIABETES: I do.

CHORUS: 5et's go( 8hidipides( the play is #ogging down.

DIABETES: *ecisions( decisions . . . &Telephone rings and he answers it'-ello?

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WOODY', =OI9: Will you ta$e the goddamn message to the $ing. We'd all li$e to get the

hell out of here.

DIABETES&2angs up'I'll do it. ut only #ecause Woody as$ed me to.

CHORUS&ings'8oor 8rofessor -iggins )

DIABETES: That's the wrong show( you idiots2

DORIS: %ood luc$( 8hidipides.

WENDY: /ou're really going to need it.

DIABETES: What do you mean?

WENDY: o# here is really a practical jo$er.

DORIS: &fter we're free we can go to #ed( and may#e for once I'll enjoy it.

HEPATITIS&1ops on stage': ,ometimes a little grass #efore you ma$e it )

ACTOR: /ou're the writer2

HEPATITIS: I couldn't resist2

&-xit'

DORIS: %o2

DIABETES: I'm going2

CHORUS: &nd so 8hidipides set out on his journey #earing an important message for Aing

Oedipus.

DIABETES: Aing Oedipus?

CHORUS: /es.

DIABETES: I hear he li"es with his mother.

&-ffects: 3ind and lightning asSLAVEtrudges on'

CHORUS: O"er deep mountains( through high "alleys.

DIABETES: -igh mountains and deep "alleys. Where did we get this chorus?

CHORUS: &t all times at the mercy of the uries.

DIABETES: The uries are ha"ing dinner with the ates. They went to 9hinatown. The

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-ong at Noodle 9ompany.

HEPATITIS&-nters': ,am Wo's is #etter.

DIABETES: There's always a line at ,am Wo's.

CHORUS: Not if you as$ for 5ee. -e'll seat you( #ut you ha"e to tip him.

&HEPATITISexits'

DIABETES&1roudly': /esterday I was a lousy sla"e( ne"er ha"ing "entured #eyond my

master's property. Today I carry a message to the $ing( the $ing himself. I see the world. ,oon

I'll #e a free man. ,uddenly human possi#ilities are opening up to me. &nd #ecause of it ) I

ha"e an uncontrolla#le urge to throw up. Oh( well . . .

&3ind'

CHORUS: *ays turn into wee$s( wee$s into months. ,till 8hidipides struggles on.

DIABETES: 9an you turn off the goddamn wind machine?

CHORUS: 8oor 8hidipides( mortal man.

DIABETES: I'm tired( I'm weary( I'm sic$. I can't go on. My hand is sha$ing . . . &The

CHORUS$egins humming a slow ,ersion of ;ixie;'&ll around me men dying( war and

misery( #rother against #rotherH the ,outh( rich in traditionH the North( mostly industrial.

8resident 5incoln( sending the !nion &rmy to destroy the plantation. The Old -omestead.

9otton ) comin' down the ri"er . . . &HEPATITISenters and stares at him'5awsy( lawsy(

Miss "a ) &h can't cross the ice. It's %eneral eauregard and Co#ert . 5ee . . . &h ) &notices

HEPATITISstaring at him'I ) I . . . I got carried away.

&HEPATITISgra$s him around the neck and pulls him to the side'

HEPATITIS: 9'mere2 What the hell are you doing2?

DIABETES: Where's the palace? I'm wal$ing around for days2 What $ind of play is this2?

Where the hell is the goddamn palace? In ensonhurst?

HEPATITIS: /ou're at the palace if you'd stop ruining my play2 %uard2 9ome on now( shape

up.

&A powerful GUARDenters'

GUARD: Who are you?

DIABETES: 8hidipides.

GUARD: What #rings you to the palace?

DIABETES: The palace? I'm here?

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20/30

GUARD: /es. This is the royal palace. The most #eautiful structure in all of %reece( mar#le(

majestic( and completely rent)controlled.

DIABETES: I #ear a message for the $ing.

GUARD: Oh( yes. -e is e+pecting you.

DIABETES: My throat is parched and I ha"e not eaten in days.

GUARD: I will summon the $ing.

DIABETES: What a#out a roast)#eef sandwich?

GUARD: I will get the $ing and a roast)#eef sandwich. -ow do you want that?

DIABETES: Medium.

GUARD&Takes out a pad and writes'One medium. /ou get a "egeta#le with that.

DIABETES: What do you ha"e?

GUARD: 5et's see( today . . . carrots or #a$ed potato.

DIABETES: I'll ha"e the #a$ed potato.

GUARD: 9offee?

DIABETES: 8lease. &nd a toasted #ow tie ) if you ha"e one ) and the $ing.

GUARD: Cight. &As he exits'5et me ha"e an C to go with a regular coffee.

&The FATEScross taking pictures'

BOB: -ow do you li$e the palace?

DIABETES: I lo"e it.

BOB&2anding his wife the camera': Ta$e one of us together.

&As she does'

DIABETES: I thought you two were going #ac$ to New /or$.

WENDY: /ou $now how fate is.

BOB: !nrelia#le. Ta$e it easy.

DIABETES&(eans in to smell the flower inBOB*s lapel': That's a pretty flower.

4G


21/30

&Gets an eyeful of water as 6AT- laugh'

BOB: I'm sorry( I couldn't resist.

&!ffers his hand.DIABETESshakes it. Gets a shock from a 9oy $uer'

DIABETES: &hhhh2

&FATESexit laughing'

WENDY: -e lo"es to play tric$s on people.

DIABETES&To CHORUS': /ou $new he was out to get me.

CHORUS: -e's a scream.

DIABETES: Why didn't you warn me?

CHORUS: We don't li$e to get in"ol"ed.

DIABETES: /ou don't li$e to get in"ol"ed? /ou $now( a woman was sta##ed to death on

the MT while si+teen people loo$ed on and didn't help.

CHORUS: We read it in theaily /ews( and it was the ICT.

DIABETES: If one person had ho guts to help her( may#e she'd #e here today.

WOMAN&-nters with knife in her chest': I am here.

DIABETES: I had to open my mouth.

WOMAN: & woman wor$s her whole life on *eAal# &"e. I'm reading the 8ost( si+

hooligans ) dope addicts ) gra# me and throw me down.

CHORUS: There weren't si+( there were three.

WOMAN: Three( si+ ) they had a $nife( they wanted my money.

DIABETES: /ou should ha"e gi"en it to them.

WOMAN: I did. They still sta##ed me.

CHORUS: That's New /or$. /ou gi"e 'em the money and they still sta# you.

DIABETES: New /or$? It's e"erywhere. I was wal$ing with ,ocrates in downtown &thens(

and two youths from ,parta jump out from #ehind the &cropolis and want all our money.

WOMAN: What happened?

DIABETES: ,ocrates pro"ed to them using simple logic that e"il was merely ignorance of

4


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the truth.

WOMAN: &nd?

DIABETES: &nd they #ro$e his nose.

WOMAN: I just hope your message for the $ing is good news.

DIABETES: I hope so( for his sa$e.

WOMAN: or your sa$e.

DIABETES: Cight and ) what do you mean( for his sa$e?

CHORUS&erisi,ely': -a( ha( ha2

&The light $ecomes more ominous'

DIABETES: The light is changing . . . What is that? What happens if it's #ad news?

WOMAN: In ancient times( when a messenger #rought a message to the $ing( if the news

was good( the messenger recei"ed a reward.

CHORUS: ree passes to the 5oew's ighty)si+th ,treet.

WOMAN: ut if the news was #ad . . .

DIABETES: *on't tell me.

WOMAN: The $ing would ha"e the messenger put to death.

DIABETES: &re we in ancient times?

WOMAN: 9an't you tell #y what you're wearing?

DIABETES: I see what you mean. -epatitis2

WOMAN: ,ometimes the messenger would ha"e his head cut off . . . if the $ing was in aforgi"ing mood.

DIABETES: & forgi"ing mood( he cuts your head off?

CHORUS: ut if the news is really #ad )

WOMAN: Then the messenger is roasted to death )

CHORUS: O"er a slow fire.

DIABETES: It's #een so long since I'"e #een roasted o"er a slow fire( I can't remem#er if Ili$e it or not.

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CHORUS: Ta$e our word for it ) you won't li$e it.

DIABETES: Where's *oris 5e"ine? If I get my hands on that -e#rew sla"e from %reat Nec$

. . .

WOMAN: ,he can't help you( she's miles away.

DIABETES: *oris2 Where the hell are you?

DORIS&n the audience': What do you want?

DIABETES: What are you doing there?

DORIS: I got #ored with the play.

DIABETES: What do you mean( you got #ored? %et up here2 I'm up to my ass in trou#le#ecause of you2

DORIS&Coming up': I'm sorry( 8hidipides( how did I $now what happened in ancient

history? I studied philosophy.

DIABETES: If the news is #ad( I die.

DORIS: I heard her.

DIABETES: Is this your idea of freedom?

DORIS: Win a couple( lose a couple.

DIABETES: Win a couple( lose a couple? That's what they each you at roo$lyn 9ollege?

DORIS: -ey( man( get off my #ac$.

DIABETES: If the news is #ad I'm finished. Wait a minute2 The news2 The message. I got it

right here2 &6um$les# takes a message from an en,elope. +eads'or est ,upporting &ctor(

the winner is


24/30

DORIS: /es?

DIABETES: -ow'd you $now?

DORIS: Anow what?

DIABETES: What the message is( it's yes.

CHORUS: Is that good or #ad?

DIABETES: /es? /es is affirmati"e? No? Isn't it? &Testing it' es


26/30

DORIS: Isn't that fa#ulous2

DIABETES: I $now what you're thin$ing( a little reward for your faithful messenger ) #ut our

freedom is more than enough ) on the other hand( if you insist on showing your appreciation( I

thin$ diamonds are always in good taste.

KING&Gra,ely': If there is a god( then man is not responsi#le and I will surely #e judged for

my sins.

DIABETES: 8ardon me?

KING: 1udged for my sins( my crimes. =ery horri#le crimes( I am doomed. This message you

#ring me dooms me for eternity.

DIABETES: *id I say yes? I meant no.

GUARD&eies the en,elope and reads the message': The message is yes( sire.

KING: This is the worst possi#le news.

DIABETES&ropping to his knees': ,ire( it's not my fault. I'm a lowly messenger( I don't

create the message. I merely transmit it. It's li$e her majesty's clap.

KING: /ou will #e torn apart #y wild horses.

DIABETES: I $new you'd understand.

DORIS: ut he's only the messenger. /ou can't ha"e him torn apart #y wild horses. /ou

usually roast them o"er a slow fire.

KING: Too good for this scum2

DIABETES: When the weatherman predicts rain( do you $ill the weatherman?

KING: /es.

DIABETES: I see. Well. I'm dealing with a schi0ophrenic.

KING: ,ei0e him.

&The GUARDdoes'

DIABETES: Wait( sire. & word in my defense.

KING: /es?

DIABETES: This is only a play.

KING: That's what they all say. %i"e me your sword. I want the pleasure of this $ill myself.

4@


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DORIS: No( no ) oh( why did I get us into this?

CHORUS: *on't worry( you're young( you'll find some#ody else.

DORIS: That's true.

KING&+aises the sword': *ie2

DIABETES: Oh( Eeus ) %od of %ods( come forward with your thunder#olt and sa"e me2 &All

look up" nothing happens# awkward moment'Oh( Eeus . . . Oh( Eeus222

KING: &nd now ) die2

DIABETES: Oh( Eeus ) where the hell is Eeus2

HEPATITIS&2e enters and looks up': or 9hrist's sa$e( let's go with the machine2 5ower

him2

TRICHINOSIS&-nters from the other side': It's stuc$2

DIABETES&Gi,ing the cue again': Oh( great Eeus2

CHORUS: &ll men come to the same end.

WOMAN: I'm not gonna stand here and let him get sta##ed li$e I was on the MT2

KING: %ra# her.

&The GUARDgra$s her and sta$s her'

WOMAN: That's twice this wee$2 ,on of a #itch.

DIABETES: Oh( great Eeus2 %od( help me2

&-ffect. (ightning 4 7-8 is lowered ,ery clumsily and he 9erks around until we see the

lowering wire has strangled him. -,eryone looks on# stunned'

TRICHINOSIS: ,omething's wrong with the machine2 It's out of joint.

CHORUS: &t last( the entrance of %od2

&But he*s definitely dead'

DIABETES: %od . . . %od? %od? %od( are you o$ay? Is there a doctor in the house?

*O9TOC &n the audience': I'm a doctor.

TRICHINOSIS: The machine got screwed up.

HEPATITIS: 8sst. %et off. /ou're ruining the play.

4B


28/30

DIABETES: %od is dead.

*O9TOC: Is he co"ered #y anything?

HEPATITIS: &d)li#.

DIABETES: What?

HEPATITIS: &d)li# the ending.

TRICHINOSIS: ,ome#ody pulled the wrong le"er.

DORIS: -is nec$ is #ro$en.

KING&Trying to continue the play': r . . . well( messenger . . . see what you'"e done.

&Brandishes the sword.DIABETESgra$s it'

DIABETES&Gra$$ing sword': I'll ta$e that.

KING: What the hell are you doing?

DIABETES: Aill me( eh? *oris( get o"er here.

KING: 8hidipides( what are you doing?

GUARD: -epatitis( he's ruining the end.

CHORUS: What're you doing( 8hidipides? The $ing should $ill you.

DIABETES: ,ays who? Where is it written? No ) I choose to $ill the $ing.

&ta$s theKING# $ut the sword is fake'

KING: 5ea"e me alone . . . -e's cra0y . . . ,top2 . . . That tic$les.

DOCTOR&Taking the pulse of the $ody of G!'-e's definitely dead. We #etter mo"e him.

CHORUS: We don't want to get in"ol"ed.

&T2- start exiting# carrying G! off'

DIABETES: The sla"e decides to #e a hero2

&ta$s the GUARD" the sword is still a fake'

GUARD: What the hell are you doing?

DORIS: I lo"e you( 8hidipides. &2e kisses her.'8lease( I'm not in the mood.

4D


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HEPATITIS: My play . . . my play2 &To CHORUS'Where are you going?

KING: I'm going to call my agent at the William Morris &gency. ,ol Mish$in. -e'll $now

what to do.

HEPATITIS: This is a "ery serious play with a message2 If it falls apart( they'll ne"er get themessage.

WOMAN: The theater is for entertainment. There's an old saying( if you want to send a

message( call Western !nion.

WESTERN UNION DELIVERY BOY&-nters on a $icycle': I ha"e a telegram for the

audience. It's the author's message.

DIABETES: Who's he?

DELIVERY BOY &ismounts# sings': -appy #irthday to you( happy #irthday to you )

HEPATITIS: It's the wrong message2

DELIVERY BOY&+eads the wire': I'm sorry( here it is. %od is dead. ,top. /ou're on your

own. &nd it's signed ) The Moscowit0 illiard all 9ompany?

DIABETES: Of course anything is possi#le. I'm the hero now.

DORIS: &nd I just $now I'm going to ha"e an orgasm. I $now it.

DELIVERY BOY&till reads': *oris 5e"ine can definitely ha"e an orgasm. ,top. If she

wants to. ,top.

&2e gra$s her'

DORIS: ,top.

&n the $ackground a $rutish man enters'

STANLEY: ,tella2 ,tella2

HEPATITIS: There is no more reality2 solutely none.

&GROUCHO MARXruns across stage chasingBLANCHE. AMANin audience rises'

MAN: If anything's possi#le( I'm not going home to orest -ills2 I'm tired of wor$ing on Wall

,treet. I'm sic$ of the 5ong Island +pressway2

&Gra$s a WOMANin the audience. +ips her $louse off# chases her up the aisle. This could

also $e an usherette'

HEPATITIS: My play . . . &The characters ha,e left the stage# lea,ing the two originalcharacters# the author and actor#HEPATITISandDIABETES'My play . . .

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DIABETES: It was a good play. &ll it needed was an ending.

HEPATITIS: ut what did it mean?

DIABETES: Nothing . . . just nothing.

HEPATITIS: What?

DIABETES: Meaningless. It's empty.

HEPATITIS: The ending.

DIABETES: Of course. What are we discussing? We're discussing the ending.

HEPATITIS: We're always discussing the ending.

DIABETES: ecause it's hopeless.

-I8&TITI,: I admit it's unsatisfying.

DIABETES: !nsatisfying2? It's not e"en #elie"a#le. &The lights start dimming'The tric$ is to

start at the ending when you write a play. %et a good( strong ending( and then write

#ac$wards.

HEPATITIS: I'"e tried that. I got a play with no #eginning.

DIABETES: That's a#surd.

HEPATITIS: surd? What's a#surd?

&BLACKOUT'

Documents

Woody Allen - God (A Play)