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Transformational Conflict Coaching���������

Kenneth Cloke

John Wooden didn’t coach the (U.C.L.A.) freshmen, so it was the next year that he and I began our close association. We startled each other, I think. Our backgrounds were

so different, I a child of the city and proudly black, he a country child from middle America, and a deacon in his church - and we were thirty-seven years apart in age. Yet there was an immediate simpatico between our temperaments and a kind of pragmatic idealism that we shared, although I couldn’t have put that into words back then. I just

knew I was drawn to whatever he had and that the plainness of his demeanor was deceptive. As a competitor, he was unnerving. Many coaches in the then Pac 8 didn’t like him because he was too good to be believed. He wanted to win, but not more than anything. Coach Wooden wanted to win very much, but within the rules, within the guidelines he had set for the expression of his own and his players’ competitive talent.

Within those, he went all out. He understood the game totally. He eliminated the possibility of defeat. It was genius . . .

I don’t know why fate placed me in his hands, but I’m grateful that it did. My relationship with him has been one of the most significant of my life. He believed in

what he was doing and in what we were doing together. He had faith in us as players and as people. He was about winning basketball and winning as human beings. The

consummate teacher, he taught us that doing the best you are capable of is victory enough, and that you can’t walk until you can crawl, that gentle but profound truth

about growing up . . .” Kareem Abdul Jabar

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What is Transformational ���Conflict Coaching?

© Kenneth Cloke 3

•  The aim of transformational conflict coaching is not merely to assist someone in becoming more skillful and successful, but to shift their attitudes and beliefs, especially toward themselves, toward who they are and who they can become.

•  Transformational coaches encourage people to achieve results beyond what they thought were possible; develop untapped capacities; cultivate awareness, authenticity, congruence, and commitment; and produce not only great performances, but themselves as great human beings.

© Kenneth Cloke 4

Common Coaching Issues1.  Conflicts and poor communications2.  Difficult behaviors3.  Problems in relationship4.  Unreal or unmet expectations5.  Hierarchical or undemocratic organizational structures6.  Lack of clarity in roles and responsibilities7.  Scarce resources8.  Fear or anxiety over change9.  Externalization of internal conflicts10. Contradictory self-interests

Coaching Competencies

1. Master the context2. Know yourself3. Create a powerful vision4. Communicate with meaning5. Build trust through integrity6. Realize intention through action

© Warren Bennis and Joan Goldsmith, Learning to Lead: A Workbook on Becoming a Leader

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Steps in the Coaching Process (1)1. Initiate the Relationship. Clarify expectations, surface the doubts

and build the ground rules for the process. 2. Understand the Problem/Struggle. Do not provide answers or

solve the problem. Communicate that you understand the problem. Both of you learn as much about the problem as possible.

3. Negotiate the Contract. Become clear about what they want from coaching and what you can provide. Come to agreement on roles and responsibilities of each person.

4. Make Your Needs Explicit. As a coach you have needs and expectations. Communicate them and tell your coaching partner what you want from him or her.

5. Focus on Vulnerabilities and Fears. Have your partner express his/her fears, vulnerabilities, worst case worries. Ask them to tell you what they have done in the past that has been successful in overcoming these fears and vulnerabilities.

© Kenneth Cloke 6

Steps in the Coaching Process (2)

6. Ask For Feedback. As coach, you need feedback on your skills, your empathy, your success in coaching. Ask for feedback.

7. Go deeper into the Problem. Help your partner further understand the problem by asking questions and giving feedback.

8. Give Recommendations. Tell your partner what you see, and actions you recommend.

9. Acknowledge Successes. Tell your partner what he/she has done well in the process. Ask them how you have been successful.

10. Determine Next Steps. Plan next steps to evaluate solutions and actions. Determine rules and responsibilities and make agreements for action.

[Based partly on Peter Block’s Designed Learning]

© Kenneth Cloke 7

Questions to Initiate Coaching1. My goals for the coaching process are:

• •• •

2. The results I want to produce are:• •• •

3. The barriers and challenges I need to meet in order to produce these results are:• •• •

4. The talents and skills I feel I bring to producing these results are:• •• •

5. People who could support my efforts:• •• •

6. People who could block my efforts:• •• •

7.  Timeline for achieving results:• •• •

© Kenneth Cloke

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© Kenneth Cloke

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Steps in Transformational Coaching (1)1.  Conduct a Ruthless Self-Assessment:

The object of the self-assessment is to assist both parties in becoming clear and conscious about their personal goals.

2. Negotiate a Values-Based, Transformational Coaching Relationship:Negotiate a clear set of goals and expectations for the relationship. Successful coaching is built through small, subtle communications and collaboratively negotiated agreements that build trust and partnership.

3.  Create a Constructive Coaching Environment:The parties create an informal, constructive environment that will nurture and support their relationship. The coach observes the performer in action to become familiar with the practical issues she faces and asks others for their ideas and input.

4. Design Transformational Strategies: The real work of coaching consists of developing strategies through insight and partnership – not merely for improvement, but transformation. While incremental changes require little preparation, transformational changes demand strategic planning.

© Kenneth Cloke 10

5. Balance Positive Reinforcement with Critical InsightA good coach focuses on the strengths of the performer and reinforces the positive aspects of the performance.

6. Provide Turnaround FeedbackTurnaround feedback is perhaps the most hazardous and consequential step in the coaching process. It requires honesty, sensitivity and a willingness to work through issues until they have been understood, owned and overcome.

7. Move toward ClosureAfter both parties have fully discussed the feedback, personal development plan, or other issues on which they are working, they move on to identify specific actions the performer will take to increase her effectiveness in implementing these plans.

Steps in Transformational Coaching (2)

“I want to write about the great and powerful thing that listening is. And how we forget it. And how we don’t listen to our children, or those we love. And

least of all—which is so important too—to those we do not love. But we should. Because listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. . . . This is the reason: When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life. . . . Who are the people, for example, to whom you go for advice? Not to the hard, practical

ones who can tell you exactly what to do, but to the listeners; that is, the kindest, least censorious, least bossy people you know. It is because by pouring out your problem to them you then know what to do about it yourself. . . . So try listening. Listen to your wife, your children, your friends; to those who

love you and those who don’t; to those who bore you; to your enemies. It will work a small miracle—and perhaps a great one.”

Brenda Ueland  11

© Kenneth Cloke 12

Risks of Giving Feedback (1)•  The risk of arrogance: Giving someone feedback with the assumption

that we know how they should behave can be offset by negotiating with them as peers for more effective behaviors.

•  The risk of apathy: A reluctance to give feedback because we do not care enough about the other person’s growth and improvement can be countered by being curious about who they are and stimulating their interest through challenging learning opportunities.

•  The risk of judgment. Judgments about who we are and what we have done can be shifted by listening more deeply, actively examining our assumptions, and asking questions about what we think we know.

•  The risk of creating a conspiracy of silence. Adopting a conspiracy of silence or tacit agreement to forgo being honest can be broken by initiating open and honest communication.

•  The risk of triviality. Keeping communications superficial and never addressing the real issues can be challenged by converting trivial interactions in to deeper discussions, taking time, paying attention to larger issues, and focusing on the learning process.

© Kenneth Cloke13

Risks of Giving Feedback (2)•  The risk of focusing exclusively on the past. Fixation on the past can be altered

by focusing on the present or the future.•  The risk of false objectivity. An unwillingness to closely examine our

biases can be countered by self-scrutiny and personal responsibility for creating more accurate perceptions of reality.

•  The risk of generality. Depriving each other of specific examples of what was not successful reduces the possibility of learning, and can be opposed by citing specifics, details, and data for self-discovery.

•  The risk of unilateral action. Feedback imposed without permission is an exercise of power over others and a kind of tyranny that can be shifted by creating a two-way process so people are more willing to participate.

•  The risk of excessive kindness. Being excessively kind can be an act of cruelty, preventing someone from understanding how their actions affect others. This can be cured by honestly and empathetically communicating painful information, citing real examples and insistingon change.

© Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith 14

•  What did I contribute to making this conflict happen?•  With hindsight, how could I have handled it better?•  How would I evaluate my responses so far? What have I done that has•  been effective? What hasn’t been effective?•  How have I suffered as a result of my own actions or inactions?•  How have other suffered?•  What does this conflict ask me to let go of or learn to accept?•  What is the most important lesson I can learn from this conflict?•  How would it be possible for both of our versions of what happened to•  be correct?•  In what way could this conflict improve my life?•  What’s funny or ridiculous about my role in this conflict?•  What would it take for me to let go of this conflict completely?•  What would happen if I did?•  Has my communication been effective in creating understanding in the•  other person? What could I do to improve it?•  What skills could I develop in handling conflict? In responding to negative•  behavior?

Coaching Questions on Conflict

Questions on Difficult Behaviors•  What is the specific behavior they are engaged in that you find most disturbing? •  Why is that disturbing to you? •  Why do you think they are engaging in it?•  Did anyone in your family of origin engage in similar behavior? How did you respond?•  How are you responding to the difficult behavior? •  Is the other person benefiting in any way from your responses to their behavior?•  Have your responses been successful so far in stopping their behavior?•  How could you change your responses to stop rewarding them for behaviors you find

unacceptable?•  How are others in the organization responding to their behavior? •  Is there anyone who handles their behavior skillfully? What are they doing differently?•  What organizational benefits are they deriving from their behavior?•  Have you given them honest feedback about their behavior? If so, how did they receive it?•  Has the work group as a whole given them feedback? •  What feedback have you not given them about their behavior? Why not?•  What would it take for you to give them fully empathetic and honest feedback?•  What could motivate them to change their behavior? What would motivate you?•  How could you reward them for behaviors you find more acceptable? How could you

support them in changing?

[Source: Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith, Resolving Conflicts at Work: 8 Strategies for Everyone on the Job, 2nd Ed., Jossey Bass/Wiley (2005)]

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Questions on Poor Self-Esteem•  Have you experienced conflicts like this one before? When? With whom? What

does that conflict have in common with this one? Why do you think it is happening again?

•  What lessons did you learn about conflict in your family of origin? How did they contribute to what you experienced in this conflict?

•  What part of your past seems to control your present? How would your perception of your conflict change if your past were different?

•  How much of what you have done in this conflict was chosen by you? How much was chosen or influenced by others?

•  How has your self-esteem affected what happened? How might you have acted differently if you had felt better about yourself?

•  By what standard are you measuring yourself? Who created it? Why? Who actually lives up to it? At what cost?

•  List some of the things in this conflict you didn’t do but think you should have. What kept you from doing them?

•  List some of the things you did do but think you should not have. What compelled you to do them?

•  Who wrote the script for what you should or should not do in this conflict? When did they write it? Why?

•  What myths or assumptions about yourself do you think shaped this script or influenced your choices? © Kenneth Cloke 16

Questions on Poor Self-Esteem•  Is there any difference between what you felt or thought and what you said or did

during the conflict? What were the different parts of you that felt, thought, said, or did those things? Which part do you want to be?

•  What judgments do you have about yourself that have influenced the conflict? How have these judgments affected your choices?

•  What do you never, ever want to experience again in this conflict? How can you make sure you don’t?

•  What are some things you could do to move your conflict in a more positive direction? What might you gain or lose by doing so?

•  What are the main reasons for not doing anything to resolve your conflict? What might you gain or lose by not doing anything?

•  What do you think your life will be like in 5 years time if you don’t move the conflict in a more positive direction?

•  What crossroads in your life is this conflict pointing you to? What is this conflict asking you to learn or let go of?

•  What are the most important lessons you’ve learned from the conflicts in your life? How could you use those lessons to create better results here?

•  What price have you paid for poor self-esteem? How long do you intend to continue paying that price?

•  How have you benefited from poor self-image? Can you benefit any other way? •  Can you imagine letting go of this conflict and releasing it forever? If not, why not?

If so, what will it take for you to do so? © Kenneth Cloke

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Some Dangerous Questions•  What have you done to create the very thing you are most troubled by? •  What have you been clinging to or holding onto that it is now time for you to release? •  What are you responsible for in your conflict that you have not yet acknowledged to

the other person? •  What do you most want to hear the other person say to you that you still haven’t

mentioned? •  What do you long for in your relationship with the other person? •  What is the refusal, or “no” that you have not yet communicated? •  What is the permission, or “yes” you gave in the past that you now want to retract? •  What is the resentment you are still holding on to that the other person doesn’t know

about? •  What is the promise you gave that you are now betraying? •  What is it they or you did that you are still unwilling to forgive? •  What price are you willing to pay for your refusal to forgive? How long are you

prepared to continue paying that price? •  What promise are you willing to make to the other person with no acknowledgement

or expectation of return? •  What gift could you give the other person that you continue to withhold? Why?•  What are you prepared to do unconditionally, without any expectation of recognition or

reciprocity by the other person? [Based partly on work by Peter Block]

© Kenneth Cloke

Conflict Coaching��� and Strategic Planning

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“Because the ones I work for do not love me, because I have said too much and I haven’t been sure of what is right and I’ve hated the people I’ve

trusted, because I work in an office and we are lost and when I come home I say their lives are theirs and they don’t know what they apologize for and none of it mended, because I let them beat me and I remember something of

mine which not everyone has, and because I lie to keep my self and my hands my voice on the phone because I swallow what hurts me, because I hurt

them- I give them the hours I spend away from them and carry them, even in my sleep, at least as the nag of a misplaced shoe, for years after I have quit and gone on to another job where I hesitate in telling and I remember and I resent having had to spend more time with them than with the ones I love.”���

���Killarney Clary

Conflict and Strategic Planning•  One way to think about conflict resolution is to

regard it as a form of strategic planning•  Strategic planning can be initiated by organizations,

or by individuals who are looking for ways of being more strategic about their conflicts and problems

•  This realization allows coaches to adapt traditional organizational strategic planning techniques to individual issues

•  A part of the coaching process can therefore be to focus attention on planning ways of acting more strategically in tackling even personal problems

•  This approach encourages transformational results

© Kenneth Cloke 21

A Strategic Planning Model

Vision

Objectives/Goals

Barriers

Strategies

ActionPlans

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© Kenneth Cloke

Strategic Planning QuestionsStrategic planning consists of answering a series of questions about personal, team or organizational direction, including:

• Mission:Who are we?

• Vision: Where do we want to go?

• Goals or Objectives: What do we need to do to get where we want to go?

• Stretch Objectives: What would we possibly do if we really tried hard and stretched?

• Barriers:What stands in the way of our getting there?

• Strategies: How in general can we be successful in overcoming these barriers?

• Tactics: What specifically do we do to overcome our barriers?

• Action Plans: Who will do what? By when? What resources do they need to do it?

© Kenneth Cloke 23

Paradigm Shifts in Strategic Planning•  The shift from being reactive and responsive to being proactive and

preventative;•  The shift from focusing on problems to focusing on vision;•  The shift from tactical to strategic thinking;•  The shift from routine to continuous improvements;•  The shift from individual decision making and responsibility to team

decision making and responsibility;•  The shift from management and control to leadership and

empowerment;•  The shift from assistance and affiliation to partnership and alliance;•  The shift from focusing on quantity to focusing on quality;•  The shift from apathy and cynicism to engagement and commitment;•  The shift from compromise to collaboration;•  The shift from private defiance to public dialogue;•  The shift from judgment to evaluation.

© Kenneth Cloke24

Barriers to Strategic Planning•  Narrow job definitions, roles and responsibilities•  Failure to redefine reporting and career paths•  Lack of integrated assessment and feedback•  Protection of turf and private property in tasks and skills•  Inappropriate centralization or decentralization•  Lack of strategic, empowering and holistic focus•  Traditional hierarchical reporting requirements•  Physical separation of work spaces•  Lack of integrated software and communicating technologies•  Lack of training in consensus decision making, collaborative

negotiation and conflict resolution•  Upper management favoritism and bureaucratic processes•  Lack of on-going leadership support•  Failure to change the culture

© Kenneth Cloke 25

Common Errors in Strategic Planning•  The assumption that you can do without a strategic plan, and figure it out

as you go along.•  Creating a strategic plan without the participation of the people whose

buy-in is needed for it to become a reality.•  Making decisions about the content of a strategic plan without consensus.•  Having a strategic plan focus on short term problems, or problems that

can be solved quickly or relatively easily.•  Creating a strategic plan that is petty, not daring enough, or limited to the

status quo.•  Ignoring the effect of a change in one area on the culture of the

organization, and on the system as a whole, resulting in a strategic plan that is limited to a small part of what needs to change.

•  The strategic plan does not indicate how each person’s roles, functions and responsibilities will be different in the future.

•  The strategic plan is too wordy, general or abstract, that doesn’t inspire.•  The strategic plan is based on beautiful, but empty slogans.•  Stopping with vision and not developing strategies and action plans.•  Creating a strategic plan that is set in stone and cannot be changed.

© Kenneth Cloke26

Action Planning Questions• Is the action you want to take clear?• Is your description of what needs to be done detailed enough?• Who is going to do it?• How can others be brought into the process?• Are the roles and responsibilities clear?• Whose permission or agreement is needed for the action to succeed?• When will it be done by?• What will happen if it isn’t?• Are the resources and support adequate to succeed?• What is the motivation to engage in the action?• What follow-up actions may be needed?• How will the results be evaluated?• How will the successes be celebrated?

© Kenneth Cloke 27

Individual Strategic Plan1.  My vision for myself, or where I want to be in five years time:

2.  My goals for myself for this coming year: 

3.  Some barriers I need to overcome to achieve these goals:

4.  Some strategies I can use to overcome these barriers:

5.  Five actions I will take starting immediately to implement the strategies and achieve the goals:

6.  Ways I could sabotage myself or others might hold me back:

7.  How I plan to keep that from happening:

8.  What resources, feedback or support I may need from others:

9.  Criteria by which I will evaluate my progress:

10.  How I will know if I am successful:28

© Kenneth Cloke

My 5 Year Strategic Plan (1)DATE IN 5 YEARS: ____________AGE IN 5 YEARS: _____________1. MY VISION FOR MYSELF FOR THE NEXT 5 YEARS IS:

A) SELF: B) HEALTH: C) FAMILY: D) JOB/CAREER: E) SOCIAL VALUES: F)  FINANCES:  

  29© Kenneth Cloke

My 5 Year Strategic Plan (2)2. MY SPECIFIC AND MEASURABLE GOALS FOR MYSELF FOR THIS

YEAR ARE:A) SELF: B) HEALTH: C) FAMILY: D) JOB/CAREER: E) SOCIAL VALUES: F)  FINANCES: 

  

30© Kenneth Cloke

My 5 Year Strategic Plan (3) 3. THE BARRIERS I NEED TO OVERCOME TO ACHIEVE THESE GOALS

ARE:A) SELF: B) HEALTH: C) FAMILY: D) JOB/CAREER: E) SOCIAL VALUES: F)  FINANCES: 

   

31© Kenneth Cloke

My 5 Year Strategic Plan (4)4. SOME STRATEGIES I CAN USE TO OVERCOME THESE BARRIERS

ARE:  A) SELF: B) HEALTH: C) FAMILY: D) JOB/CAREER: E) SOCIAL VALUES: F)  FINANCES: 

  

32© Kenneth Cloke

My 5 Year Strategic Plan (5)5.  ACTIONS I WILL TAKE STARTING IMMEDIATELY TO IMPLEMENT

THE STRATEGIES AND ACHIEVE THE GOALS ARE: A) SELF: B) HEALTH: C) FAMILY: D) JOB/CAREER: E) SOCIAL VALUES: F)  FINANCES: 

  

33© Kenneth Cloke

My 5 Year Strategic Plan (6)6.  WAYS I COULD SABOTAGE MYSELF OR OTHERS MIGHT HOLD ME

BACK:

7.  HOW I PLAN TO KEEP THAT FROM HAPPENING:

8.  WHAT RESOURCES, FEEDBACK OR SUPPORT I MAY NEED FROM OTHERS:

9.  CRITERIA BY WHICH I WILL EVALUATE MY PROGRESS:

10.  HOW I WILL KNOW IF I AM SUCCESSFUL:

  

34© Kenneth Cloke

Action Plan

Action Who When Resources

© Kenneth Cloke 35

Critical Success Factor Questions

1. Do: What do I most need to do, change or make happen in order to be successful?

2. Have:What resources do I need to make it happen?

3. Be:What most needs to shift in my attitudes and behaviors, and in my culture?

4. Know:How will I know if I am succeeding?

© Kenneth Cloke 36

Objectives, Measures, Targets and Initiatives

MeasuresObjectives Targets Initiatives

Finances

SharedValues

Technology

Human Resources

Focus

Marketing

Score(1-10)

Physical Resources

© Kenneth Cloke37

Balanced Scorecard

Goals Measures

Goals MeasuresGoals Measures

Goals Measures

Goals Measures Goals Measures

Marketing

Finances Technology

Shared Values

Physical Resources Human Resources

© Kenneth Cloke 38

Transformation, Transcendence, Spirituality and Heart

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I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality. Religion I take to be concerned with belief in the

claims to salvation of one faith tradition or another--an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of meta-physical or philosophical reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or hell. Connected with this are

religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayers and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit--such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony, which bring happiness to

both self and others.

The Dalai Lama

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Some Ways of Strengthening Spirit• Acting on principle • Taking risks• Giving to others • Cultivating awareness• Radical acceptance • Paying attention• Sharing • Teamwork• Empathy • Loving ourselves and others• Forgiveness • Passion• Humor • Silence• Self-discipline • Making choices• Changing patterns • Surpassing our limits• Rituals and ceremonies • Surrendering attachments• Unconditional caring • Being authentic• Dedicating or consecrating • Sacrifice• Being Completely Present • Dedication to a higher purpose

© Kenneth Cloke 41

Some Transcendence Practices in Mediation•  Confession: “Yes, I did it.”

•  Repentance: “I’m sorry I did it.”

•  Righteousness: “I agree to act differently in the future.”

•  Renunciation: “I won’t be your enemy.”

•  Surrender: “You’re totally right.”

•  Affirmation: “I’m sure we can work this out.”

•  Forgiveness: “Please forgive me.”

•  Reconciliation: “I love you. Can we start over?”

•  Purification: “I now understand why I did it and promise not to do it again.”

•  Prayer: “I wish you the best.”

•  Ritual: “Let’s shake hands on it.”© Kenneth Cloke

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How to Coach with Spirit•  Open your own heart and mind to the worst in them;•  Listen without aim or intention to each person; •  Observe moment by moment what is happening inside yourself and

others, especially in moments of intense emotion; •  Expand your capacity for empathy and compassion toward others; •  Encourage others to speak honestly, from their hearts;•  Act with unconditional respect, integrity and skill; •  Recognize that conflicts have something important to teach all of us; •  Work collaboratively in a committed way to transform and

transcend whatever got them stuck;•  Encourage them to reclaim their lives and put the conflict behind

them. © Kenneth Cloke 43

How to Coach with Heart•  Center, relax, and balance yourself internally.•  Release yourself from past recollections, emotions, and judgments.•  Release yourself from future expectations, goals, plans, and desires.•  Expand your present awareness of the energy flowing within,

around, and between yourself and the parties. •  Open your heart and use it to search for questions that might open

other people’s hearts. •  Clarify and concentrate your energy, spirit, intention, heart, or chi,

and expand your capacity for empathy and compassion with everyone.

•  Set the physical stage for intimate, heartfelt conversation. •  Welcome everyone with an open heart.•  Begin the conversation with a question, invocation,

acknowledgement, apology, or invitation made directly to the hearts of those present.

•  Use silence, pacing, body language, tone of voice, poignant questions, vulnerability, and ritual to communicate your sincerity and heartfelt intention.

© Kenneth Cloke44

© Kenneth Cloke 45

Clues to Request Heart-Based Conversation1. Declaration: “He doesn’t think I’m a very good person.”

Translation: “I don’t think I am a very good person, am vulnerable to what he thinks of me, and am exaggerating what he thinks because I need some reassurance that he doesn’t hate me.” Opening Questions: [to the other person] “Is that right? Do you think she is not a very good person?” [to her] “Why does it matter to you what he thinks?”

2. Declaration: “She did it for no reason.” Translation: “I really don’t know why she did it but am afraid to ask because she could have done it because of something I did that I don’t want to admit, or for some reason that will force me to stop playing the victim.” Opening Questions: “Would you like to know why she did it? Why don’t you ask her?”

3. Declaration: “He’s lying.” Translation: “What he said does not match my experience, I feel defensive about what he said, and I need him to listen to my experience before I can listen to his.” Opening Questions: “What truth do you see that is not reflected in his statement?” “What do you think is the underlying truth he is trying to communicate to you?”

4. Declaration: “I don’t trust her.” Translation: “I am feeling insecure about what is going to happen, distrustful about her intentions regarding me, and need to hear that she is really committed to making this relationship work.” Opening Questions: “What are you afraid she will do?” [to the other person] “Is that what you intend to do? Why not? Do you want this relationship to work? Why?”

© Kenneth Cloke 46

Questions to Initiate Open-Hearted Conversation (1)

1. Before we begin, can you tell me a little about yourselves? 2. What do you hope will happen as a result of this conversation? Why is that important to you? 3. Why are you here? Why do you care? What did it take for you to be willing to come here today? 4. What kind of relationship would you like to have with each other? Why? 5. What is one thing you like or respect about each other? Can you give an example? Another? How does it

feel to hear each other say these things? What would happen if you said them more often? 6. Is there anything you have in common? Any values you share? 7. What life experiences have you had that have led you to feel so strongly about this issue? 8. What role have you played in this conflict, either through action or inaction? 9. If you had 20/20 hindsight, what would you do differently? 10. Is there anything you would like to apologize for? 11. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would each of you rank that apology? What could you do to make it a 10? Are

you willing to try right now? 12. What is one thing you would like him to acknowledge you for? What is one thing you are willing to

acknowledge him for? 13. What do you think she was trying to say in that apology/ acknowledgment? [To her] Is that accurate? [If

not] Would you like to know what is accurate for her? Why don’t you ask her? 14. How would you evaluate the effectiveness of what you just said in reaching her? How could you make it

more effective? Would you like some feedback? Why don’t you ask her? 15. Is this conversation working? Would you like it to work? Why would you like it to work? What is one

thing she can do that would make it to work for you? [To her] Are you willing to do that? Would you be willing to start the conversation over and do those things now?

© Kenneth Cloke 47

Questions to Initiate Open-Hearted Conversations (2)

16. What is the crossroads you are at right now in your conflict? 17. Will you ever convince him you are right? [If not] When will you stop trying? 18. What would you most like to hear her say to you right now? 19. What would you have wanted him to have said instead? 20. What does that mean to you? What other meanings might it have? What do you think it meant

to her? Would you like to find out? Why don’t you ask her? 21. Can you imagine what happened to him also happening to you? What would it feel like? Would

you like to know what it felt like to him? Why don’t you ask? 22. Would you be willing to take a moment of silence right now to think about that? 23. Has anything like this happened to you before? Who? When? 24. What are you not talking about that you still need to discuss? 25. What issues are you holding on to that the other person still doesn’t know about? 26. What price have you paid for this conflict? What has it cost you? How much longer are you

going to continue paying that price? 27. What would it take for you to give this conflict up, let go of what happened, and move on with

your life? 28. Do you really want this in your life? What would it take to let it go? 29. What would change in your life if you reached an agreement? 30. If this were the last conversation you were going to have with each other, what would you want

to say?

Ten Paths to Transcendence1.  Engage in committed, open-hearted listening, as though your life could

change as a result of what you are about to hear.2.  Use a spotlight of narrow, focused attention and a floodlight of broad,

sweeping awareness to clarify what is taking place beneath the surface. 3.  Use dangerous empathy to search for the center of the conflict within

yourself, then ask questions to discover whether the same might be true for others.

4.  Use dangerous honesty to communicate your deepest understanding. 5.  Access your heart to locate a heart-space in the conversation, then open

and expand it.6.  Craft a question that asks people to speak and listen directly from their

hearts.7.  Work collaboratively to redesign and reform the cultures and systems

that produced or reinforced the conflict.8.  Clarify and reinforce what was learned from the conflict, and use it to

improve and evolve to higher levels of conflict and resolution.9.  Move the conversation toward forgiveness and reconciliation.10.  Design and execute a ritual of release, completion, and closure.

© Kenneth Cloke48

© Kenneth Cloke 49

1. Show up and be present. ���2. Listen empathetically for what is hidden beneath words.���3. Tell the truth without blaming or judgment.���4. Engage in authentic, heart-felt communication.���5. Be open-minded, open-hearted, and unattached to

outcomes.���6. Act collaboratively in relationships.���7. Display unconditional integrity and respect.���8. Draw on your deepest intuition.���9. Work for completion and closure.���10. Be ready for anything at every moment.���11. Be able to let go, while giving up on no one.���

How to Be in Conflict

“In the Baemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large

circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, about all the good things the person … has done in his lifetime. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. The tribal ceremony often lasts several days. At the end, the tribal circle is

broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.”���

���Alice Walker���

������© Kenneth Cloke