The Parenting Teenagers Course Scripts

Session 2 – Meeting our Teenager’s Needs Please note:

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Insert – 3.4 Parents – discussing childrenIN 00:45:00

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Part 1: The five love languages

NICKYWelcome to Session 2 of The Parenting Teenagers Course. We hope you found Session 1 helpful.

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One of the things we mentioned was that our teenagers are living with lots of pressures, one of which is the exam culture today. So, it’s not surprising if sometimes they get it wrong.

One of our sons, aged twelve, sat a history exam. There were fifteen questions and he had to pick three, and write three essays. He failed to read the instructions properly and attempted to write fifteen essays in an hour – he came out absolutely exhausted and mortified when he discovered what he’d done! I had to bite my tongue not to say, ‘How could you?’ and to realise he needed lots of sympathy to cheer him up and encouragement that it wasn’t the end of the world.

In this session, we want to look at how we can meet our teenagers deepest needs. We asked a number of parents of teenagers, ‘What is the most important issue on your teenager’s mind?’ Their replies ranged from exams, fitting in with their friends, parties, and boyfriends and girlfriends. These are all important concerns, but beneath these there is one fundamental question they’re asking, ‘Do you love me?’ Teenagers want to be loved for who they are, not for what they achieve.

We all need confidence, and teenagers particularly need self-confidence, because, through this time of transition, much of their questioning is around their identity. They’re asking, ‘‘Who am I?’ They experience a lot of self-doubt and insecurity. Many teenagers feel awkward, unlovable, and often don’t know how to act in social settings.

We’ve already talked in session one about the pressure they’re experiencing to look good, to be cool and to be part of the ‘in crowd’. Sometimes they can feel very grown-up, while at other times, they feel like a young child again – with big and sudden swings of emotion. All of this is why our teenagers need our support at an emotional level.

SILAThe confidence they need comes from knowing they’re deeply loved, accepted and valued for who they are, rather than for how clever, how sporty, or how popular they are. This confidence is not a cockiness or an arrogance. It is a self-worth that comes from deep within, from a sense of being rooted. One fourteen-year-old boy said to us, ‘The main thing I like about my parents is that they accept me for who I am. They don’t try to make me like my older sister’.

NICKYParents will often say, ‘Of course we love our children.’ The key question to ask ourselves, however, is ‘Do our teenagers feel loved by us?’

Tom Marshall, a counsellor who has talked to hundreds of people about relationships, said this: ‘I have lost count of the number of those who have said to

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me, “I suppose my parents loved me in their own way but I never felt it.”’ There are various ways to ensure our teenagers do feel loved.

Insert – 2.0 Teenagers – how they feel lovedIN 00:03:14

Girl (VOX POP) Because they tell me about it all the time!

Peter The little things are a great sign that, you know, they love you and they’re interested when they pick up on, you know, saying ‘I like this’ or something like that. Listening, devoting time to you – that’s always a great indicator.

Girl (VOX POP) You always tell me, don’t you! (Yeah) Always gives me hugs and kisses and always tells me she loves me.

Boy (VOX POP) They put up with a lot of the stuff I do, so I can tell that they love me that much! If they didn’t, I think after some of the stuff I do, I think they’d drop me right away!

Girl (VOX POP) Well, my mum tells me every day. My dad works away, but he comes home and tells me whenever he’s home, so I get told a lot!

Boy (VOX POP) If they don’t want you to do some things, that means they love you, like. They’re looking after you, (Yeah!) looking out for you.

Girl (VOX POP) Well, they hug me often and, you know, do these sweet little things to me. And they fix some things in my room sometimes, especially Mum.

OUT 00:04:15

NICKYIt’s as though every teenager has this emotional tank inside. When they feel loved, their tank is full. When they don’t feel loved, it’s empty. And their behaviour acts like a gauge. When the tank is full, their behaviour is better; when the tank is empty, their behaviour is worse.

That is very clear in young children. When there is a lot of whining, tantrums, crying, snatching, pushing other children, being rude and so on, the chances are their emotional tank is low. And it’s the same with teenagers, although the signs of an empty tank can be much harder to read, because some level of moodiness, pushing for independence and self focus is normal.

But, if they’re being constantly rude and aggressive towards us and taking out their frustration on siblings, or being very withdrawn and uncommunicative, or constantly angry, we need to ask ourselves, ‘Is their emotional tank in need of filling up?’

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Insert – 2.1 Dr Pat Spungin – benefits of knowing you are lovedIN 00:05:08

Dr Pat Spungin Children benefit from the sense of being loved because they see themselves a lovable person. It’s really as simple as that. And if you see yourself as a lovable person, then that affects all your relationships with other people, not only in childhood but throughout the rest of your life. So if there’s one thing a parent has to do, it’s to give their child the sense that they are uniquely valued and uniquely important to their parents.

OUT 00:05:36

NICKYWhen a teenager has that inner confidence that they are loved, they’re better able to resist peer pressure, can make good choices for themselves and are better equipped to make close relationships. An inner confidence helps them to trust and to give out to others.

So, how can we help our teenagers feel loved, and how we can best give them that confidence and security? One of the most practical and helpful parenting books we’ve come across is called The Five Love Languages of Teenagers. In it, Gary Chapman describes five different ways through which we can show love to our teenagers.

One way is with our time – setting aside time to spend with them, focusing our attention exclusively on them.

A second way we can love them is with our words – by saying things like, ‘You’re really special,’ ‘I noticed you are so kind to your brother,’ ‘ I enjoy being with you,’ ‘I love you.’

A third way is with touch –a squeeze of the arm, a hug, a kiss, an arm around the shoulder, showing them affection by being demonstrative.

A fourth way we can show love is with presents – thoughtful gifts act as a tangible sign of our love.

And a fifth way is with our actions – doing practical things for them, helping them out.

SILAWe use this concept on The Marriage Course because it’s also powerful in adult relationships. We get couples to think through these five ways of showing love with words, time, touch, presents and actions – and to ask themselves, ‘Which is the most important way for me to feel loved?’ And very often, the way one person feels most loved will be different from their partner.

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NICKYSila and I are very different. I feel loved mainly through words – it’s when Sila says kind, encouraging, affirming words to me, and doesn’t say too many critical things all in one go - that’s when I feel most loved.

SILAFor me, words don’t have such a big impact. It’s time that’s the most important. It is when Nicky sets aside time for us to spend together (and isn’t checking his phone for messages) that I feel most loved.

What is helpful to recognise is that each of us will tend to give love in the way we like to receive it.

NICKYSo, I find it easy to show Sila and our children love through my words. It comes very naturally to me to encourage and to affirm them. But Sila doesn’t actually feel really loved if I’m just using words. I need to take the initiative to set aside time to spend with her.

SILAOften in marriage, we have to learn our husband or wife’s love language, and then keep practising it, until we become fluent. There will usually be another of the love languages that comes a close second. For me, time is closely followed by touch.

NICKYAnd for me, words are closely followed by actions. That shows how different we are and why we need to learn each other’s love languages.

It’s just the same with our teenagers. They, too, will generally have one or two love languages, which are the most important ways for them to feel loved, and they could well be different to ours. This concept of love languages has been invaluable for us as a couple, and for us as parents.

Even though some of these love languages will be more important than others for each of our children, they need to experience being loved in all five ways – through words, touch, time, presents and actions. And we have to learn to use all five – the ones that come less naturally to us, as well as the ones we find easy to use.

The importance of particular love languages for our teenagers may have changed since they were younger. We can discuss the list with them to ask which is most important for them now.

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Our experience has been that these love languages give us some practical, constructive tools to use. Even if we don’t understand all their behaviour, we can be confident that, by using them, we will be filling their emotional tank.

SILA

1. One-to-one time

We’re going to look in turn at each of these five ways of showing love. The first way is through giving our teenagers time, one-to-one time.

This means giving them our undivided attention so they know that we have put aside time especially to be with them. When we do that, it’s a powerful communicator of love. For many teenagers, love is spelt T – I – M – E.

Insert – 2.2 Teenagers – when they have had time with a parentIN 00:09:52

Reanne As well, me and my dad, we’re really alike. And I really like it when he’ll just come to me: ‘Oh, Reanne, do you want to come to town with me? I’ll treat you. I’ll take you on a day out, and we’ll just talk, and we’ll just go shopping or’ – he’ll just treat me, and it’s just a really nice feeling.

Dominic This weekend I did a one-to-one weekend with my dad. So he just asked me if I wanted to do it, where we could do a load of activities. And I said yes, and he did it. And it’s like so he set out the tent and everything. And then it’s like so I got more out of it than him. But it’s just he did it ’cos he wanted to be with me.

Tallulah Yeah, they show that they want to spend time with us and stuff. And like when we’re ill from school it’s really nice, ’cos Mum or Dad say like sometimes, ‘Oh, I love it when you’re ill! – not because you’re ill, but so I can spend time with you.’ Which is really nice! And Mum loves it when we have In Service days so she can spend time with us as well. So, yeah!

Sarah I think one-to-one time with my mum, I think we’ve said a lot about that, where it’s just talking and getting everything out. And I think how Reanne and I both feel after we’ve had a talk with my mum, we’re just refreshed: you know, like you’ve a clean plate again, just start again, you know – and then wait for a whole host of new problems to build up!

OUT 00:11:16

SILAFor us, fitting in one-to-one time with each of our four children was one of the hardest things we sought to do. We didn’t have a garden and it wasn’t always obvious what we could do with each of them.

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Josh, our youngest son, loved cricket, and often, when he got home from school in the summer, the thing he most wanted me to do was to bowl some balls at him. There’s an alleyway beside our house, which was perfect for this, and I found playing cricket with him for ten minutes made a big difference to his general mood. The best was when Nicky had finished working and was able to play with him – his bowling was slightly more accurate!

It’s helpful to find out what they enjoy doing, and involve them in the planning.

We know a father who has two daughters. With each daughter, he makes a plan to do something (just the two of them) once a month, and they can choose. One of his daughters loves rugby – so they often go to a match together, which he really enjoys too. His other daughter loves shopping – and even though that is not his favourite thing to do, he is just as happy to sit in a clothes shop for an hour while she tries on endless clothes. By spending time with his daughters, that father was communicating ‘You matter to me; spending the time with you is important to me.’

We shouldn’t pressurise them, and shouldn’t be hurt if they say, ‘No thanks’, to one of our ideas. We can try something else instead at another time until we find something they do like, and it may be as simple as going for a hot chocolate or an ice cream for half an hour. That, of course, is harder to do if you’re parenting alone or if parents are separated, and the time with our teenager is more limited. Planning ahead is particularly important if this is the case.

And be realistic – don’t set the bar too high and then find you never do anything as a result! Mix up bigger things, smaller things; longer times, shorter times. So it could be: the hot chocolate or the ice cream (or whatever they find appealing); seizing the opportunity to stop for a snack after collecting them from a friend; cooking together; walking the dog; going to the cinema or a concert with them; playing or watching some sport together, or, as our daughter loved, visiting an art exhibition.

Insert – 2.3 Parents – difference one-to-one time makesIN 00:13:06

Abi I take her to the hair salon. And I have to sit there – and it could be hours! But the fact that I’m with her, you know. And then she’ll ask, ‘Shall I have it coloured? Shall I cut it? Should I do it go shorter? Should I do Mohican?’ You know, there’s so much to do and talk about. And it’s just our time together, and it’s just focusing on her. And I think it makes such a difference for her, knowing that I’m doing it with her. And slowly, you know, she’s coming away from being wilful and she’ll ask my opinion. And it’s been great, really. It’s great. I mean, in terms of friendship, you know, I know her better. And then watching her grow into a young lady – it’s been really good for both of us. Yeah.

Steve One-to-one time can make a huge difference. I think of an example when Lauren wanted to go down to Plymouth to see the boyfriend for a week, and I

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offered to drive her down there. We spent a long time on that car journey just talking, listening to the music that was on at the time – there was some really good stuff on. We’ve got quite similar musical tastes, which quite helps as well. And we just chatted pretty much all the way down there – it was a really nice sort of drive down. And at the end of it I dropped Lauren off, and then sort of turned around and came straight back! And so I think I got in about 3 a.m. in the end!

Rachel And I was going to say, actually, when Steve came in – obviously I was in bed – and woke me up and said, ‘Oh, I’m back,’ and I thought he was going to be exhausted – and he was buzzing! He’d spent like ten hours in a car, of which five were probably with Lauren, (Mm) and he had literally just stopped for petrol and a burger on the way back, and yet he was so excited he was like, `We had the greatest conversations, and it was brilliant!’ And you were so – it was such a brilliant moment. It’s one of those ones you’ve always remembered, (Yeah) haven’t you, because it was just a really stressful thing but actually turned out to be amazing, didn’t it! (Mm) So.

OUT 00:14:56

SILAAs parents we can easily misinterpret our teenager’s interest and focus in their friends as disinterest in the family. Our teenager may not look like he or she wants to spend time with us, but the vast majority do.

However, quite a number of parents have said to us: ‘My teenager won’t talk – so what’s the point of trying to have this quality time if there’s no quality conversation?’

There’s a story of a famous man who planned a special day’s fishing with his son. At the end of the day, the father wrote in his diary that he thought the day was a dead loss. He wrote that his son seemed bored and preoccupied, saying very little, and he thought he probably wouldn’t take his son fishing again. The son grew up to be famous in his own right, and a historian found the son’s diary entry for that same day. The son had written, ‘What a perfect day it has been – all alone with my father.’

This one-to-one time, even when it feels unproductive, is building our relationship with them and filling their emotional tank.

Insert – 2.4 Rob Parsons – importance of one-to-one timeIN 00:15:55Rob Parsons You know, from the time my daughter was about thirteen we used to go to a

hotel once a week together. And it was almost like an adult setting. And she’d have a Coca-Cola and I’d have a coffee, and we would talk. Katie could talk for England! And it worked so well, I tried it with Lloyd. And then he got to be thirteen – it was agony! He drank his Coke in about ten seconds and I was dragging syllable after syllable. I almost gave up, until we found a hotel with a pool table in – now he needs me to feed the fifty pences in! But I thank God for

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those evenings: Lloyd grunting at me across that pool table, and Katie sharing her heart with me formed a foundation when later on I had to talk to them about some very big issues in life. We have to build up relationship with our children. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion. The big talk doesn’t work unless generally they’ve had that kind of input from us.

OUT 00:16:49

NICKY

2. Affirming words

A second way of showing love is through affirming words. The words we speak to our teenagers can affect how they think about themselves for the rest of their lives.

Chief Rabbi Jonathan Sacks once commented: ‘Which one of us doesn’t carry some memory of words our parents said to us when we were young – words that hurt or words that made us walk tall?’ Those are the words we never forget, and they shape our image of who we are. If they hurt, we can spend much of our adult life trying to ease the pain. But if they gave us pride or confidence, it’s that which will stay with us through the years. Tell your child you love her/you love him. And in that one act of letting them know they’re loved, you give them the strength to love in return. I don’t know of a greater gift.

Our words have the power either to put our teenagers down or to let them know how loved they are.

Insert – 2.5 Teenagers – power of encouraging wordsIN 00:17:44Emma I was very insecure. So it was so important that I had someone to tell me that

they loved me, when I really didn’t love myself or didn’t feel like anyone else loved me. It was really important (Mm) in growing up.

Rhianna Yeah, they say they’re proud of me.

Peter Yeah, it’s nice to hear when you’ve done something good – you know, to hear that.

Liam I was dyslexic, highly dyslexic, so that was always very tough at school. From a younger age I was always told that I couldn’t really read or write by some of the teachers, and that when I went to secondary school I would fail and wouldn’t do very well. Whereas my parents always said the opposite and would always encourage me differently.

Alastair Yeah, I’d say parents’ encouraging words really do mean a lot. Like I play football for my team and I’m a goalkeeper, so you can often be the scapegoat if there’s a mistake made. But if I’ve had a good game, then I always come off my pitch and my dad, who’s been watching, will always say, ‘Oh, you’ve had a really great game, Ali. Well done!’ and he’ll really encourage me. And even if I haven’t had such a great game, he’ll still like highlight the areas that I could improve on, and highlight the areas that I did play well in, and where I can

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improve on for next time. And really focusing on the positives rather than the negatives, which I think is really important. And although teenagers often don’t like to show that they like encouragement, it’s a good thing to do. It really does make a difference inside.

OUT 00:19:13

NICKYProfessor John Gottman, an expert on family relationships, says parents need to make five positive comments to their teenager for every one negative comment.

If we have a child whose behaviour and attitudes we’ve struggled with, we can easily fall into a habit of negative and critical words. If we look for something they’ve done, even remotely well, and praise them for it, it can revolutionise our relationship with them. As we speak loving, affirming words, not just for what they do or for how they perform, we build their self-esteem and reassure them we believe in them and are for them.

Insert – 2.6 Rob Parsons – building teenagers up with wordsIN 00:19:48

Rob Parsons It saddens me when I hear parents bring their kids down in public. I was with a dad some time ago, and his daughter came in and he said, ‘Oh, look what the cat dragged in!’ And I said, ‘Why do you talk to your daughter like that?’ ‘Oh, it’s just my sense of humour! She knows it’s just a joke.’ But it’s not good enough. The self-esteem of a teenage heart is very, very fragile. And it’s so easy to be different, to build people up: ‘You look nice in that!’ ‘Well done!’ It should never be flattery, it should never be insincere – and we still have to have the courage to let our kids know when they do something that doesn’t please us. But catching your kids doing something right is a wonderful thing.

OUT 00:20:27

NICKY

3. Affectionate touch

The third way of showing love is through affectionate touch.

During their teenage years, our children may be embarrassed by physical contact with us, while at the same time longing for it. And very often they not only want it, but they also need it, in order feel loved.

As I grew up I didn’t have much physical contact from my father after the age of around twelve or thirteen. When we had young children I remember seeing a great friend greet his nineteen-year-old-son. He gave him a big hug and at that

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moment I thought it’s that type of unembarrassed affection that I want to show our own children as they grow up and become teenagers.

With the onset of puberty, teenagers and pre-teens can become rather gangly and uncoordinated and they’re no longer the cuddly little girl or boy we once had. All this can make physical affection harder. In addition, they may well start to feel self-conscious, particularly with the parent of the opposite sex.

I remember our daughter withdrawing as she became more aware of her own femininity, and I felt rather hurt. I tried to find ways to maintain physical contact, such as by putting my hand on her shoulder, if I was helping her with homework, or giving her a quick hug and a kiss when we said hello or goodbye. After some years, she grew through this phase and her self-consciousness passed and I was glad that I hadn’t given up.

One mother with a teenage son said to us: ‘I have to be alert to when he’s open to a hug.’ And a teenage girl said, ‘I find if mum rubs my back when I’m stressed, it helps me relax.’ But, we do need to choose our moments, particularly so as not to embarrass them in front of their friends.

I remember when Benj and Barny were going to a new school, aged thirteen and eleven. On their first day I expected I would go in through the school gates with them. However, as we got near, they both simultaneously said, ‘Bye, Dad,’ and rushed in – not, I realised, because they couldn’t wait to get into their new school, but because they were so worried I would hug them goodbye in full view of their new classmates!

Insert 2.7 Parents and teenagers – teenagers needing physical affectionIN 00:22:27

Emma I think through high school when I was growing up, I was so stand-offish from my parents because I was so insecure, that I didn’t want any touch, any hugs. I mean, it always helped – it was always so wonderful when it happened, but I always tried to avoid it.

Elaine And I think we knew that, and so we would make an extra effort to give her a hug. Even though it seemed like she didn’t want it, we thought she really did. And so we were –

Emma Mm. Well, I needed it.

Elaine You did.

Emma But I didn’t want to believe that!

Elaine Yeah, it was a funny age!

Emma Yeah!

Rebekah My love language is touch. And when I hug my parents it just makes me feel

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like everything’s okay! Yeah.

Alastair Yeah, I’d say my dad still does hug me, like in the evening before I go to bed or something like that, and I do like that. I do value that. You might think that it’s a bit like `I’m not six any more, I don’t like doing that’. But really it does make a difference. It shows that there is still a bond between you. And it is still necessary if you’re going to move forward in a relationship.

Paul With our youngest, his is touch. You know, he loves physical affection. And so making time to doing fun ways of sort of physical contact. So he loves one of us getting into bed with him at bedtime. I mean, he’s ten years old, but he still likes that sort of fun aspect of cuddling together. Or if you’re sitting on the sofa, (Mm) he always wants the spot in between us. And so making sure that, you know, he feels special in that way. So that, you know, it’s his love language.

Philomena Mm. And the clues are they do to us what they want us to do to them.

OUT 00:24:24

SILA

4. Thoughtful presents

A fourth way of expressing love is with thoughtful presents. It’s important to realise with this love language that we’re not necessarily giving a gift because our teenager deserves it; rather, it’s because we, their parents want to show our unconditional love for them.

Saying to our son or daughter, ‘If you go and tidy up your room this morning, I’ll buy you that CD you want’ is bartering, or manipulation – it’s not a present. It’s effectively payment to them for cleaning their room, which arguably they should be doing anyway.

Presents, which are given unconditionally, are powerful, visual symbols of our love. The emotional message we’re sending is: ‘I care about you, I think you’re important, I love you,’ and it’s not just the present itself that communicates this. The wrapping of the present, the way we give it and the ceremony attached to it - perhaps with other members of the family around - emphasises those messages.

Insert – 2.8 Liam – memorable present as a teenagersIN 00:25:18Liam We asked for bikes, and actually Dad was thinking along this line as well. And

he took us out, and we were looking at bikes. He was gearing us up! And he wasn’t leading us on where we could have the biggest, flashiest ones; we were looking around. And so it built up quite nicely. And then we came down, and he’d hid them round the corner. And so we were like, ‘Ahh!’ and you’d turn around, and there they were – brand new mountain bikes we’ve had for years, and still have now!

OUT 00:25:43

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SILAWe may only think of giving presents on birthdays, at Christmas or other major festivals. And those are important occasions for present giving. However, we’re missing an important way of expressing love to our teenager if that’s the only time we do so. There are lots of other occasions when a present is an effective way of showing our love. It could be for an achievement, big or small, or a time when they’re struggling.

I remember when our daughter was under great pressure with the prospect of exams at school and was really stressed as a result. I bought her a bunch of flowers, arranged them in a vase in her room, and wrote a card from Nicky and myself saying how much we loved her. She told us, a number of years later, how important the flowers and the card were for her in knowing our love and support at a really difficult time.

Insert – does not appear in Filmed Clip InsertsIN 00:26:30

Karen Maybe if they don’t want to talk to you or they’re not ready to talk to you about something, but you know that there’s a challenge in their life, then actually just to leave maybe a little note on their bed with a small gift or a treat, or just do something like that – it’s absolutely so exciting and thrilling to be able to do that, to know that you’re touching their heart very deliberately.

OUT 00:26:57

SILAIt’s important not to misuse the giving of presents. If we end up bartering, or bribing, or seeking to buy off our child by using them as a substitute for our time, the impact of this love language will be lost.

Presents don’t need to be expensive. A present can be really small and still mean a lot.

Our son, Josh, has always loved chocolate brownies. Every so often, I would either buy or, if I had time, make some, and he knew they were especially for him. The brownies didn’t cost very much, but the emotional value to him was way higher.

When we give a present, it shows we were thinking about our child when we made it or bought it. And then it can refill their emotional tank every time they see it, use it, wear it or, as in Josh’s case, eat it!

NICKY

5. Kind actions

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The fifth way of expressing love is through kind actions, or acts of service, as Gary Chapman calls them. These are things that we do for our children. I suspect that with this one, you are thinking, ‘I’m doing plenty of that’. Maybe the cooking, providing a 24-hour taxi service for your teenager, or working hard to provide for the family. Parenting is, by its nature, sacrificial, and there will inevitably be many things we do for our children.

However, it is often the ‘extra’ things we do that can make a big impact and touch them most. For some children, this is their primary way of feeling loved and we should look out for opportunities. One mother knew that her teenage son really wanted to go to a concert, but was finding it very difficult to get a ticket. She decided to go to the box office and queue for an hour. Her son was over the moon and she couldn’t believe how much her action meant to him.

Insert – 2.9 Teenagers – effect of parents’ kindnessIN 00:28:33

Rebekah And I remember once I went to a party and I left my camera at home. And I rang and I was like, ‘Dad, I left my camera at home!’ and I was so upset because like, you know, it’s all my pictures! And he was like, ‘Okay, I’ll go back and get it.’ And there was like a huge traffic jam, and he went all the way back and he came all the way back and gave me my camera. And my friends were like, ‘Oh, I wish I had a dad like that!’ and I was like ‘Yess! That’s my dad!’ Yeah!

OUT 00:28:59

At the same time as doing things for our teenagers, we need to be careful we’re not rescuing them all the time, as then they won’t learn to take responsibility, to manage their time and to look after their possessions. And we’ll be doing them a disservice if we do everything for them and don’t involve them in helping around the house.

They also need to learn appreciation for what we and others do for them. We may need to remind them every day for sixteen years to say, ‘Thank you’, for lunch or tea or for doing their washing, but the message, not to think they have automatic rights to things or that the world owes them a living, will gradually be going in, and most likely they’ll turn into grateful people.

The last thing to say about kind actions is to do with our own attitude towards all the things we have to do as a parent. If we show we’re resentful, our children will tend to feel guilty. But if they get a sense that we’re doing it out of love, it will help to fill up their emotional tank.

Words, time, touch, presents, actions. That list has been so helpful to us, first as a checklist, ‘Are we loving our teenagers in all five ways?’ but also to ask, ‘Which ones are the primary love languages for each of our children? That is, the ones

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that will speak most powerfully to them and make them feel deeply loved and good about themselves.’

When we’ve identified their primary love language and start using it deliberately, the other ones will also be beneficial. If we don’t use their primary love language, the other ones won’t make much difference to their sense of feeling loved.

Insert – 2.10 Parents – why concept of love languages helpfulIN 00:30:31

Pauline The concept of love languages has been very helpful to us, not only within our marriage but also with our children. And I can remember reading the book on Love Languages for Teenagers and finding out, after reading it, that my eldest in particular, her love language was words of affirmation. And that really helped me, because prior to that I would say things like, ‘You’re a really messy girl!’ – because her bedroom is a tip! Whereas now I say, ‘Oh, Yasmin, your bedroom is messy. Will you please clear it up?’ Just a tiny little thing like that which I think would make a real difference to her and how she responds to me.

Karen I think it’s been really, really helpful. Because if you know one of them has been struggling or needs encouragement, then actually you can very deliberately express love to them in a way that’s exclusive to them and they feel really, really special. And I think that has been absolutely vital to see us through the teenage years.

Janet In The Five Languages of Love, we asked our boys which one of those would most appeal to them. And I tried to predict what they would like, which would be perhaps having things given to them. But actually they all said that the language of love that appealed to them most was having encouraging words. And in terms of putting pressure on them to do well, I particularly need to give them more encouragement and sort of compliment them on the things they’ve done well. And I find it quite hard to talk to them in a way that they really feel encouraged and empowered and sort of feel positive about what they’re doing. But talking to them about the languages of love actually brought that out, that I need to do more of that.

Paul Patrick, one of his love languages is presents. (Yeah) And you’ve been always fantastic at putting a little note in his bag any time he’s gone away, or getting him a little special something, which has always made him (Yeah) feel really special. Emily, our daughter, her main love language is – one of her main love languages is words. And you know, she doesn’t need a lot of our time or attention, but when she does (Mm) she really wants to hear us (Yeah) affirm, praise and encourage her. So we have to be really deliberate (Yeah) about that.

OUT 00:32:44

NICKY

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONWe want you to spend some time now discussing the questions about these love languages that you’ll find in your manual.

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END OF PART 1

Part 2: Effective communication

SILAAs well as using the love languages we looked at in part one, if we’re going to connect emotionally with our teenagers we’ve got to be able to communicate effectively with them.

We’re going to go on now and look at how we can do that, and how when we do, it will help them to feel loved and supported.

Insert – 2.11 Parents – importance of enabling communicationIN 00:34:55

Carol I think as parents the best way of managing all the issues that are coming up is communication – to be constantly talking to them, to be as well informed as possible. I certainly, if I see articles in magazines, I’m incredibly annoying – rather like my granny – and I cut them out, and I leave them round the house, as if to go: ‘I know what’s going on. You know, I’m not unaware.’ But I think for them to be able to come and talk to us, because I think it’s really scary for them! I think the amount of different drugs that are out there and the pressure to take them I think must be frightening for young people. So I think at least if they know that they can come to us and we won’t judge them, we will accept them, we will love them, and we will listen to them and say, ‘Gosh, that must have been really scary!’

OUT 00:35:42

SILAHowever, communicating with a teenager is not always easy.

One mother described how difficult it is for us as parents to communicate well with our teenagers. She said: ‘I don’t know how to parent a teenager. I thought I was doing fairly well until Katie turned sixteen. Now I wake up to discover that I am “stupid, not in touch with the real world,” and trying to control her life. She went on: I feel totally frustrated and unappreciated by my daughter. Everything I say is wrong. I don’t know how to talk to her anymore’.

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The answer for that mother, as for many of us, myself included, was that she needed to learn a new pattern of communicating with her teenager. I can identify with her because I felt my communication with our teenagers was often confrontational – it really did feel like we were clashing a lot. I had to make some adjustments to how I did things so our lines of communication flowed better.

Insert – 2.12 Dr Pat Spungin – empathising with teenagersIN 00:36:38

Dr Pat Spungin Your children are moving into adulthood. And teenagers are going to have to learn to express their emotions in the way that adults do, i.e. to talk about it. I think the thing to do is to make it possible for them to talk about it by not being disapproving or by lecturing them or by criticising them for what it is they say – or even by being kind of heartily enthusiastic. So if they say, ‘Oh, you know, I feel I haven’t got any friends,’ to say, ‘Oh, that’s nonsense! Course you’ve got lots of friends!’ If they feel they haven’t got any friends, that’s something to be talked about.

OUT 00:37:17

SILARecognising the different ways adults and teenagers communicate is so helpful.

Tim Smith, author of the book, Almost Cool, says: ‘We need to speak their language. Your teenager is from another culture. If you don’t believe me, look at their room! Foreign cultures frequently have a foreign language. If you want to communicate with a foreigner, you need to learn their language.’

Let’s look now at some of the differences. Many adults tend to communicate by using reason and logic, and generally prefer to stick to one topic at a time. By contrast, teenagers tend to communicate more in a stream of consciousness, switching topics frequently. It’s a bit like the way they channel hop on TV. They don’t mind interrupting each other or changing the subject.

NICKYAnother difference is that teenagers are not on a mission to sort things out, and they can communicate for hours without coming to any conclusions. Their world is pretty open-ended, whereas we want to solve problems and to get results.

As adults we can find ourselves wanting to turn every conversation into a ‘teachable moment’. That’s guaranteed to make our teenagers very nervous of talking with us at all.

Teenagers will only talk if they feel comfortable, relaxed and safe, which they won’t feel if we’re always lecturing or criticising them. If we interrogate our teenagers with phrases like, ‘Have you …?’ ‘What were you doing ...?’ ‘Aren’t

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you …?’ ‘Don’t you realise …?’ ‘How many times do I have to tell you …?’ it’s not surprising that they go on the defensive, back off or just shut down.

Becoming heavy and intense, or shouting at them, is a big turn off for teenagers.

Insert – 2.13 Parents – learning how to communicate with teenagersIN 00:38:57

Abi I’ve learnt not to do the shouting, you know, the bellowing [laughs] from the top of the stairs or wherever! I’ve learnt not to do that, because I lose them that way. I just lose their attention. They’re not interested. They will just go into their rooms, they will just sulk. They’ll do whatever to get away from me.

Paul It’s very easy as a parent to be slightly accusatory –

Philomena Yeah, keeping it light!

Paul You know, ‘Have you taken drugs?’ You know, children respond very badly to those sorts of things. Whereas – ’

Philomena Well, ‘just say no!’

Paul Watch how they do!

Jo I tend to kind of speak before I think. So if they are telling me something, they will say something and I will just [clicks fingers] like, ‘Oh, that’s ridiculous!’ or – and then I’ve lost them. And I’m having to really learn to kind of bite my tongue and not to say anything, and just to listen.

OUT 00:39:46

SILAWe need to remember that we, as adults, are drawing on much more experience when we have a conversation with our teenager and we need to give them sufficient leeway to explore their views in a discussion, and to come to their own conclusions about life.

I had a wonderful relationship with my father, but I remember as a teenager finding it seriously discouraging when I tried to discuss things with him, because he was a lawyer. He’d argue his case or defend his point as if he were in court. I didn’t stand a chance. Sometimes it made me really angry and I’d end up shouting at him, while at other times it just made me give up and become bolshy and stroppy because I’d think ‘Why bother? He’s not interested in my point of view. He’s just arguing his own.’

NICKYIt’s important we learn a new style because most parents will experience periods when communicating with their teenager will be a real struggle, or may even break down completely.

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Insert – 2.14 Parents – communication breaking downIN 00:40:40Elaine There have been times when communication between Emma and I has been

very difficult. I think it’s completely broken down. We were just not having a conversation. And I think Emma’s felt quite isolated when that’s happened, and I felt quite isolated, in our relationship. And it’s been really sad. I’ve spent – I’ve cried about it, wept about it. And I think what’s helped is talking to my husband Peter about it and just putting things in perspective, and trying again – trying to approach it again, maybe from a different angle. And especially about issues of time and boundaries and those kinds of things.

OUT 00:41:28

NICKYAnother situation is where children have suffered some form of loss, which can make communication very difficult, such as their parents splitting up or a parent dying. They may find it hard to express the deep emotions, but the more they’re able to talk about their feelings, the more it will help them.

1. Be available

For the rest of this session, we want to look at what we can do to build, or rebuild, effective communication. First of all, we need to be available. Often as parents we are in a hurry. We have high expectations of what can be achieved in a short amount of time. We want concise conversations, but expect them at the same time to be deep and revealing. Whereas, teenagers are generally on their own timetable and we can’t rush them. Demonstrating we’re available and ready to listen helps them open up.

Insert – 2.15 Glynis Good – being accessible to teenagersIN 00:42:18

Glynis Good In communicating with our teenagers, it’s really important to be available. But actually, more than just being available it’s important to be accessible. Sometimes we’re around and we think we’re there, but in fact we’re not accessible to them. And being accessible is that we are open to having conversations in their time. Sometimes that means that at one o’clock in the morning when they come in they’ll have a conversation with you. And if you say, ‘Well, I’ll talk to you tomorrow,’ that moment is gone.

But we need to see, are we looking and aware of opportunities to talk to them, to hear what they’re thinking rather than just finding times to tell them what we’re thinking? Because it’s important to know their perspective on different things.

OUT 00:43:09

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SILAI was talking recently to a mother who has an eighteen-year-old son. She used to have a busy job and never got home in time to cook supper. Then, for a while, she was between jobs and was able to cook for the family every evening. It took her by surprise that this became a really good time for her and her son to talk together. She recognised that it was because this was a relaxed, non-threatening time with no agenda and it made chatting with him really easy.

Insert – 2.16 Parents – teenagers opening upIN 00:43:37

Paul One of the best conversations I’ve had with one of our children, Liam – he remembers it still to today, and it was just after he had broken up with his first girlfriend, and he was just wanting to talk to me. We were driving from our house to Granny and Granddad’s – it’s about a thirty-five, forty-minute drive – and he was just asking and talking, and just asking my advice as to how to have relationships and how not to have a relationship, what to look for and what not to look for. And I can truly remember, he was really listening and really wanted to know. It was just a great conversation, and one we both remember even to today.

Philomena If you miss your moment, you’ve missed your moment. So trying to be really available when they come home at the end of the day. I’ve had some quite good conversations then. They’re often brief, often they’ll say, ‘Right, great, thanks,’ and off they go, just when you think you’re right at the – getting somewhere amazing. But yeah, I think it’s basically when it’s not always convenient, but those sorts of times of day.

June It makes a big difference when you can listen to them. (Mm) Huge. In fact, Reanne went through a period of feeling really not listened to a while ago and really frustrated. And it was hormonal and teenager stuff as well. So she came to me with a litany of complaints, and I had to admit that some of them were legitimate! So I said, ‘Look, why don’t we set aside some time, just me and you, when I listen to everything that you’ve got to say.’ So we set up Friday night as Chat Night just for me and Reanne, so that Sarah was banned from that time and Reanne got to tell me everything and anything that was on her mind – trivia and weighty stuff. And that really helped.

OUT 00:45:28

SILA

2. Learn to listen

A second vital ingredient for building effective communication with teenagers is learning to listen. As we’ve said before it’s all too easy to treat our teenagers as though they’re still young children. Hannah, aged sixteen, was quoted in a newspaper saying, ‘Personally I feel I am a fully independent person who can survive without parents. However, it seems to be only me and the ticket machine

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at the train station that claim I am an adult. My thoughts and opinions are just as valid as a forty or an eighty-year-old, but sometimes they go unheard or unrecognised.’

Many of us are not naturally good listeners and I, for one, have had a lot to learn.

Insert – 2.17 Parents – challenges of listeningIN 00:46:05Helen I find listening to teenagers really difficult. It’s not something I’m good at, at all, I

have to admit. I find that when the children come to me and start asking me something or telling me something, I’m already in my mind trying to formulate the answer and working out how I’m going to tell them No in a way that they’ll actually accept, rather than listening to what they say and being reasonable about it. So I have to admit that I’m very bad at that, and it’s something that I often have to say, ‘Come on, let’s talk about that’ or ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.’

Ken Mm, yeah. I mean, I think Helen and I make a good team in that way, because I’m more of a listener quite naturally.

OUT 00:46:45

NICKY

3. Give your full attention

Third, effective communication means giving our full attention. Sometimes making eye contact, when our teenager is talking, helps our mind not to wander and gives them a sense of value. At other times, however, it’s when we’re doing something together, like washing up after a meal, or driving in the car, that they’re more likely to open up, as it’s not too intense for them.

Generally we need to grab the moment when our teenager wants to talk – so the ideal is to listen there and then. If that’s impossible, we need to say something like: ‘Give me ten minutes to finish this, and then we can talk.’

Insert – 2.18 Parents and teenagers – giving undivided attentionIN 00:47:20

June I tend not to listen to my girls when I’m watching my favourite TV programme or reading a letter or reading a book. If I’m reading or watching TV, I zone them out.

Sarah My sister and I can both tell when my mum is not listening. Mostly I avoid telling my mum important things when she’s reading, texting or watching TV. Because you’ll know. Because say I’m talking to my mum, and you’ll hear, ‘Yep, yep.’ So I’ll go, ‘So are we going to – so can I go?’ ‘Yeah.’ And then I’ll say something very silly and the answer will be ‘Yeah, okay. Yeah.’

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Amelia Well, when I know she’s listening to me, you can see in her face that she’s really taking in what you’re saying. And she says something to make you feel better, or like ‘How can I do this? Can I help you in any way?’ You can really tell that they’re listening to you, and it just feels really nice. ’Cos sometimes in a big family you can feel not listened to sometimes. And she just – it’s really nice to feel listened to sometimes.

Karen But suddenly they want your attention, and you carry on doing what you used to be doing, when actually it’s really important that you stop and listen. So I do find that sometimes I carry on doing whatever job it is and I just don’t realise that it’s a really important moment. But, thankfully, our children will probably prompt us and say, ‘Actually, I really need to talk to you.’ I know, for example, our eldest son, if I don’t listen to him – if he’s asking me a question and I don’t respond to ‘Mum!’ he’ll then go, ‘Mother!’ (Mm!) and that generally gets my attention!

Paul Yes! Yes.

OUT 00:49:13

SILA

4. Show an interest in your teenager’s world

Fourth, show an interest in your teenager’s world. This means asking questions about the things they’re interested in – a sport, music, clothes, the latest party.Listening to their answers can be hard, and possibly boring, if their interests are very different to our own. The key is to be interested in each of them as the unique, individual person that they are becoming, rather than trying to mould them into the person we would like them to be.

Insert – 2.19 Parents and teenagers – showing an interestIN 00:49:38

Peter It’s great because Mum can integrate herself with, you know, my type of music, and she enjoys some of the off-the-wall stuff that I listen to. Which, you know, all my friends think she’s kinda weird, and all her friends think she’s really cool! But yeah, it’s nice because, you know, we share some common ground on stuff like that. And, you know, she shows an interest in my life, which makes me feel pretty good!

Karen Well, very recently the boys wanted to watch a film that I really would never choose to watch, because it’s a real adrenalin rush and it’s not the sort of thing that I would do for pleasure. Because, you know, it gets your heart racing, and I just don’t find that pleasurable these days! But actually it’s really important because then you’ve got something to talk about. And you often can start off with a conversation that actually might be quite light-hearted, but it can go into something that’s rather more serious. And when you’re on the same wavelength, then that’s a great opportunity to be listening.

Philomena They have music that I cannot tolerate, bear listening to! But I can’t just shut that down; I have to take an interest and ask them why, and discuss it with

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them. You know, ‘What is it about this music? How does it make you feel?’ sort of thing. ‘Can you hear yourself think?’ You know, about the lyrics and so on. And equally, the more I listen to their music, or the more interest I take, the more (Mm) I discover actually it’s a very broad interest – it’s not just one genre they like; it’s several. And there was a lot of actually – you know, by showing an interest we’ve discovered that we do have quite a lot of common ground in music that we like. (Yeah)

June I’m always sort of like six months behind, you know! Sarah’s been known to say to me, ‘Oh Mum, that was so yesterday!’ And I go, ‘Oh!’ I catch up and it’s all moved on! [they roar with laughter] So!

OUT 00:51:30

NICKY

5. Listen for feelings

Fifth, for effective communication, we need to listen for feelings. Our teenagers may be finding it hard to know how to express what they’re feeling. Some will need drawing out with a careful question – are they feeling frustrated, excited, lonely, disappointed, under pressure.

Insert – 2.20 Parents and teenagers – importance of listening for feelingsIN 00:51:49

Tosin Well, it can be quite lonely when no one’s listening to you, and you have to rely on friends more than your family. But I think talking to family is really important, because you need to keep together and connected with your family.

Paul I think one example which sprang to mind is with our daughter, who will often bring home issues from school, whether she’s had an exam or a lesson or particularly challenging situation. And until she’s had a chance to talk to one of us about it, it will play into everything else which she does.

Sarah When my mum or dad don’t listen, I feel quite distressed because I feel like I want to talk and I’m not getting their attention. And it’s to do with like, say I’ve got something very important to tell my mum, and she’s doing something and she’s busy, I’m like ‘Oh Mum, please, I’ll only take a second,’ or she’s on the phone, I feel distressed because I can’t get my mum’s attention.

OUT 00:52:58

SILASome of us can find it hard when our children are expressing negative emotions, but it’s important not to shut them down. And we must avoid the temptation to rush in straightaway with solutions. Listening, and empathising, to show we’ve heard and understand, is often all that’s needed.

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6. Try to avoid interrupting

The sixth ingredient for effective communication is to try to avoid interrupting. Research shows that the average person listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting with their own ideas and views. If we are to understand our teenagers’ thoughts, feelings and desires, we may need to resist a strong urge to put our own point of view, or to defend ourselves if we feel we’re being attacked, or to try to put our teenager straight all the time.

Insert – 2.21 Parents – need to resists desire to interruptIN 00:53:45

Elaine I think what makes it difficult for me to listen is that I remember my own teenage years and I think that maybe Emma or the others are going through similar things, when really things are different now. So I just need to learn to stop interrupting and really just allow our children and Emma to speak their minds.

OUT 00:54:10

NICKY

7. Reflect back to them what they’ve said

Seventh, try to reflect back to them what they’ve said. By this, we mean, saying back what we think they’re telling us – using some of their own phrases. We don’t mean repeating back parrot-fashion – that would be really annoying for any teenager. Reflecting back what they’ve said, particularly feelings they may be struggling to express, is very powerful in showing them we are listening and we’re with them.

A father we know described a conversation with his teenage daughter. She came home from school one day and plonked herself down next to him on the sofa and said “I passed both of my maths exams”. She wasn’t smiling about it so he thought he’d do a quick reflection … “So, you’re pleased with your results?” “No” she replied, “I wanted to get an A in both papers.” To which he said – trying to reflect back to her – “You sound disappointed with your results.” “Yes, everyone in my class got two As and I didn’t.” So – to see if he was understanding fully – her father asked “So you’re disappointed you didn’t do as well as the other people in your class?” “Yes”, she replied, “Everyone expected me to get two As and they were all talking about their results at lunchtime.” “So you felt embarrassed talking about your results in front of your friends.” He kept reflecting back everything she said just trying to understand her. Then she stood up, gave him a kiss and said “It was so helpful talking to you – I feel so much

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better.” The father concluded “All I had done was simply reflect back to her what she had said.”

Insert – 2.22 Dr Pat Spungin – different kinds of listeningIN 00:55:39

Dr Pat Spungin It’s very important to listen to your child. And that’s more than just hearing what they say; it’s actually saying, ‘What is behind what they’re saying to me? What is the emotion that goes with this? What are the signs that the child is asking me for something without putting it into words?’ And that’s a kind of a different kind of listening to the ‘Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard you.’ And it implies that there’s something your child wants to communicate that you actually have to pay attention to pick it up.

OUT 00:56:15

NICKY

8. Respond appropriately

The eighth ingredient for communicating effectively is to respond appropriately. The teenage years are a turbulent time. They’re working through a lot of issues and often need our guidance and reassurance. When we respond lovingly and appropriately, they won’t feel lectured at; they’ll feel we’re there for them and be open to our help.

Insert – 2.23 Teenagers – listening to parents’ wisdomIN 00:56:39

Sarah My mum has some real words of wisdom that she gives when – quite a lot, actually, when I’m really upset and I want to talk to my mum, she’ll come out with some amazing things that I just remember and remember and remember, which help me through school.

Reanne Yeah. It’s the same for me. Because I feel like I can talk to her about anything when she’s listening and we’re communicating with each other, and that’s really good.

Liam I used to sometimes have burning questions, you know, as you hear something or want to say something. I love to talk – and I still do now! [they laugh] And I will go up to one of them or both of them and I will ask them the question, and I love to have deep conversations. So I have many times when I was younger asked them on marriage – all sorts, the deep-end conversations.When I was very younger I used to come up and say, ‘I’ve heard this word today at school’ – and it would be a swear word! [they laugh] ‘So what does it

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mean?’ And they would honestly answer it, but it would always be later in the evening, you know, after the younger two had gone. So when I was younger it was almost an adult conversation.

OUT 00:57:44

NICKYAs we learn to communicate effectively with our teenager, it meets their need to feel understood and loved unconditionally.

9. Take a long term view

Finally, take a long-term view. If our teenager doesn’t want to talk, and communication is a struggle, it’s worth recognising that, more often than not, it’s a phase they’re going through. So, don’t take it personally.

Sometimes, if communication is a struggle and we’re worried, we will need to get professional help – perhaps taking up the issue with their school and seeking medical support if we suspect they might be depressed or have an eating disorder.

We can’t force them to communicate, but we can try to create the conditions and an environment where some conversation is most likely to happen, such as at meal times, even though it may be very stilted for a while. Remember to keep using the love languages, especially quality time – try to do things together. Often it’s when we’re doing something enjoyable with them that they open up.

And try not to feel put out about them wanting to be with their friends – that is very normal for teenagers, and welcoming their friends into our home may well be one of the most challenging things for us as parents, but, we want to encourage you it can make a huge difference to building a relationship with them where they feel more relaxed and comfortable about communicating.

I found these practical tools for communicating effectively really helpful through our children’s teenage years. Hard though it was, the effect of dialling down, getting off my own agenda and listening twice as much as talking, was amazing for our communication, and my relationship with them was so much better for it.

Insert – 2.24 Parents and teenagers – conclusionIN 00:59:22

Emma When they listen, I feel important, of value to them and to myself. I feel comfortable!

Elaine Mm!

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OUT 00:59:40

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONYou’ll see we’ve put some questions in the manual for discussion.

NICKYI’m going to close the session with a short prayer, so please stay as you are:

‘Lord, we thank you that you’re always listening to us, and that we can pour out our hearts to you. Thank you for all the ways you assure us of your love. We pray that you’d help us to love our children with our time, our words, our touch, with presents and with actions, and that you’d give us insight to know which is most significant for each child. And in those families where communication between a parent and a teenager has broken down, we pray for a breakthrough and for a new start. We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.’

SILANext session, we’re going to be looking at how we let the boundaries out gradually so that our teenagers grow in responsibility for their behaviour.

NICKYUntil next time, goodbye.

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