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Buy “Help! My Teenager is an Alien” now on Amazon. Join the FREE on-line community http://www.myteenagerisanalien.com Sarah Newton Leading Teen and Parent Coach http://www.sarahnewton.com 1 Help! My Teenager will not make any decisions about his future……. “He lies on the sofa all day, won’t even discuss his future and just expects us to provide for him forever” Sarah Newton Unpublished chapter from Sarah’s Bestselling book “Help! My Teenager is an Alien – the everyday situation guide for parents”. Buy the book now at Amazon . Join the Free “Help! My Teenager is an Alien” network.

Parenting teenagers - career and future decisions

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How to help your teens make good decisions about their future. . From youth expert Sarah Newton http://www.genyguide.com

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Page 1: Parenting teenagers - career and future decisions

Buy “Help! My Teenager is an Alien” now on Amazon. Join the FREE on-line community http://www.myteenagerisanalien.com

Sarah Newton Leading Teen and Parent Coach

http://www.sarahnewton.com

1

Help! My Teenager will not make any decisions about his future…….

“He lies on the sofa all day, won’t even discuss his future and just expects us to

provide for him forever”

Sarah Newton

Unpublished chapter from

Sarah’s Bestselling book

“Help! My Teenager is an

Alien – the everyday situation

guide for parents”. Buy the

book now at Amazon .

Join the Free “Help! My Teenager is an Alien”

network .

Page 2: Parenting teenagers - career and future decisions

Buy “Help! My Teenager is an Alien” now on Amazon. Join the FREE on-line community http://www.myteenagerisanalien.com

Sarah Newton Leading Teen and Parent Coach

http://www.sarahnewton.com

2

My Teenager will not make any decisions about his future. “He lies on the sofa all day, won’t even discuss his future and just expects us to provide for him forever”.

During this chapter we will follow Ruth and David as they attempt to get their layabout son Julian

off the sofa and to take some responsibility for his life.

Parents can become very frustrated when they find that all the hard work they have put into their

teenager for sixteen years is wasted when he refuses to even think about his future. Instead, he

spends all day on the sofa expecting to be waited upon hand and foot.

All is not lost! I have worked with many teenagers and their parents in similar situations. They

can be turned round.

We ought not to forget that this can also be an extremely challenging time for the teenagers and

though they may not appear to be bothered, believe me they are. Attempting to decide, at

sixteen, what you want to do with the rest of your life is a daunting and frightening prospect,

particularly nowadays when the options are far greater and the “job for life” ethos no longer

stands. Teenagers nowadays know they are going into a different career market from the one

which existed for earlier generations. Life is more competitive, only the best really get a chance

and many jobs are no longer safe or secure. Some, like Julian, totally switch off, hoping the

whole thing will go away.

So are you ready to meet Julian and see what we did?

Julian lives with his parents, David and Ruth, in a nice suburb in Surrey. He

goes to a public school and is about to sit his exa ms. He is the kind of lad that

will do well. He does just enough to enable him to get through but persuading

him to do any more has been a losing battle. He is a gifted child, well liked and

fairly good at most sports. Just an everyday sort of boy really. By the time

David and Ruth came to me they had both given up on his school work and

since he only had four weeks until his exams I thou ght our time could be spent

more constructively in other areas. Julian had a g ood relationship with his

parents and really he had been no trouble at all. That was until they started

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3

asking him about his future - it was a “no-go zone” . Any polite mention of

college, career or “what will you do when you leave school?” was met with a

brick wall of silence. This would be followed by i solation at a play-station

marathon or by sitting in front of the TV for hours watching war films. David

and Ruth were getting more and more frustrated with the situation. The more

they pushed the more he resisted. Stale-mate had b een reached!

I see this kind of situation so often in a family, where the parents are so desperate for their child

to make a decision about their future, that every single minute they get alone with him, they begin

to question him about it. While this is understandable and is the action of very caring parents, it

can make the teenager feel trapped and to not want to be with his parents. This had been going

on for so long now and the more Julian refused to talk about it the more they asked, it was a

vicious circle that was created out of desperation. Ruth and David were refusing to let the matter

go. In situations like this you need to break the circle. It is obvious that a sixteen-year-old is

unlikely to do this because of lack of experience and judgment. It is up to the parents to swallow

their pride a little and do something different. In this case what Ruth and David needed to do was

to take the pressure off themselves and to put the choice onto Julian, at the same time setting

very clear guidelines about what was and was not acceptable.

I asked Ruth and David what their worst fear was in this situation. They looked

at each other and almost said in unison “That he be comes a no-good layabout

and expects us to pay his way for the rest of his l ife.” “Will you do that, will

you pay his way?” I said. A resounding “No” came f rom both of them. “So

your worst fear is that he will expect you to pay h is way and you are not going

to do this. What is it that you are worried about? ” They both stared at me in

shock. I expect that this is something they had ne ver thought about before, -

the fact they did indeed have a choice. They certa inly could not force Julian to

choose a career, but they could set down guidelines of what they would and

would not do. “We just don’t want him to waste his life” David said. “Isn’t that

his choice?” I remarked “ There is after all so muc h you can do and then it gets

to a point where it is over to him. He has to be t he one to make the choices. ”

David looked at me despondently and agreed it was J ulian’s choice, he had to

be the one to make it. “It doesn’t mean we cannot help him along the way

though.” I smiled, sensing that David and Ruth wer e losing all hope. “What we

need to do is to spend the time between now and whe n Julian finishes his

exams, to make a plan.”

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It can be soul destroying if, having spent sixteen years of your life preparing your child for the

moment he leaves school, you then find that he is not as enthusiastic about his new-found

independence as you hoped. What some parents can do, out of frustration, is to force their child

to make decisions about the future and to make them too soon. These decisions are never easy

and take time. Your teenager may need to come to his own conclusions and if you push him it

will not speed up the process. He may still be deciding what he wants to do with his life when he

is forty! It is his choice and what you have to do is to take the pressure off him early on. Take the

pressure off yourself as a parent at the same time and put the choice back on to him. You can

then decide what new agreements you may need to establish that take into account that your

child is nearly an adult. Not making a decision about the future now is one thing, sponging off

you for the next four years is another!

I gave Ruth and David two pieces of homework. The f irst was to make a list of

the “guidelines “they wanted to implement once Juli an left school. The second

was to simply lay off Julian and not ask him any mo re questions about his

future. He was, after all, studying for his exams and this was a stressful time

for him. I asked them to go home and say to him “J ulian, we know we have

been nagging you about your future and we apologise , we know the choice is

yours and we trust you to make the right one.” Th ey were rather sceptical but

I told them it was crucial for them to do this if t hey ever wanted him to make a

decision. They went home and told him. This was met with a grunt, a strange

look and a retreat to the bedroom.

It is important during this testing time that you keep your relationship intact and on a steady

footing. You will need this for later on when you start talking about guidelines. If every time your

teenager talks to you, all you do is mention the future and college, then he will keep out of your

way and just stop all communication. Who wants to be nagged at all the time? If your teenager

thinks that you are taking full responsibibility for his future planning then why on earth should he

himself have to think about it. Sometimes, backing off and giving your teenager some space can

be the most constructive way to move forward.

Ruth and David found this extremely hard and had to bite their lips on many

occasions, wanting so desperately to get him to mak e a decision. I cannot

even begin to tell you how many distraught ‘phone c alls we had. However

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they were true to their word and they left him alon e not asking him anything

about his future. After a few weeks the atmosphere in the house began to

change as Ruth and David left him alone more and mo re. Julian became less

obstinate and difficult, they started laughing more together and he would even,

on some occasions, switch off the play-station and watch TV with them. Ruth

and David still had to hold their tongues a lot of the time but they did not crack

once. They stuck to their word, giving a very powe rful message to Julian.

One, that he could trust them and when they said so mething they meant it and

two, this was his life and he alone was truly respo nsible for it.

When they came back to see me they had their guidel ines with them. It had

taken them all of four weeks to prepare them with l ots of heated discussions.

They now had a firm list that they both agreed on.

This is their list.

1. We are prepared to support Julian in any way we can if he wants to go to

college, however we want to know that the college c ourse he picks will fit

into his future plans.

2. If Julian is not going to college then after a six-week gap we expect that he

is contributing to the household and has a job.

3. If Julian has a job then other than food and lod gings we will no longer fund

him.

4. If Julian does not go on to further education th en we expect that he will no

longer be living at home after the age of twenty.

5. If Julian goes to college that is out of the are a then we will, as previously

agreed, buy the car but we will not fund the runnin g of it.

6. We will support Julian in any way we can to get a job or get into college but

he needs to ask us for what he wants.

When they showed me their list they looked very ple ased with themselves and

so they should, it was precise, to the point and ve ry clear. “It makes us feel as

if we have some control over the situation now” sai d Ruth. It became clear that

doing this list it had helped them to let go and wh ile they still wanted the best

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for Julian and were prepared to help him in any way possible, they felt that

really the choice was his now and they were equippe d for anything that would

happen.

Most parents in the same situation as Ruth and David feel they have no choice or no control over

it. It can feel as if you are walking on eggshells and the teenager is totally in control. This is

absolutely not the case. You always have control and choice but the only thing you can control is

yourself and the only thing you have choice over is your own decisions. There is some freedom

that comes from realising that and knowing that you can take back the control.

The next step now was for Ruth and David to share t hese Guidelines with

Julian. I asked when they wanted to do that and the y agreed that they would

wait for two weeks after the exams had finished and they would tell him then.

Julian Finished his exams, Ruth and David still stu ck to their word by not

nagging him about his future and everyone was happy . Two weeks passed and

crunch day approached. I had asked Ruth and David not to make a big thing

about approaching Julian with the guidelines and ju st have an adult

conversation with him about it. They were very go od at doing this and just

said “Julian now you are sixteen you have finished school, your exams are

over and we need to revisit our commitment to you, can we have a

conversation?” After looking at them slightly odd then getting a panicked look

in his face he agreed. Together Ruth and David we nt through the new

guidelines with him explaining what each one meant and their reasons for

picking them. Julian stayed very quiet throughout the whole process just

looking as if his world had just fallen in. They made sure that he fully

understood everything they said and the conversatio n was ended. I think that

Ruth and David were expecting at least some resista nce or a “alleluia moment”

where Julian suddenly realised the error of his way s and asked for their

forgiveness. None of this happened of course and t hey had a long wait for

Julian to have any breakthroughs.

Julian did not speak to them for about a week and a ppeared to go back to his

despondent self that he had been before the exams. My advice to them was

just to carry on as they had been doing. We did no t know what Julian was

trying to sort out in his head, we could only help him when he decided he

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wanted help. This continued for another three week s and Julian’s six-weeks

deadline loomed closer. Ruth and David began to pa nic and it looked very

unlikely that Julian was going to make a decision. They were going to have to

implement their guidelines.

Then one day while Ruth was cooking Julian came dow n and started to hang

around in the kitchen, something he rarely ever did . He started talking about

what she was cooking and the weather and it became very apparent that he

wanted something. “Can I help you at all?” Ruth sa id “ It looks as if you want

to ask me something” Julian looked down at the flo or and began talking “

Mum I really want to do something with my life but I just don’t know where to

start or what to do – what shall I do?” Bingo, we had lift-off!

Ruth and David held on a little while longer than they thought they should have. As parents we

often step in before we need to, trying to solve things before giving the teenager enough time to

come to his own conclusions. One of the most powerful tools we are taught in coaching is the

power of silence. Giving someone extra time, more time than is comfortable, is a sure way to get

a person to come to his own conclusions. Ruth and David left Julian alone far longer than they

thought was right. It had taken many ‘phone calls to assure them that they were doing the right

thing. I have two sayings which are based on my years of dealing with teenagers. One is

“Expect breakthroughs to look like breakdowns.” In my experience, whenever we have a

breakthrough with a teenager it usually follows a breakdown of some sort. The other is “When

everything is falling apart it is actually falling together”. I have nearly always found that when

everything appears to be going wrong, and all appears lost, a few days later, everything falls into

place. The courage comes from the adults holding off a little while longer than we think is right

and giving the teenagers the space that they may have never had before.

Julian has asked for help and now we could give it to him. He was ready. That

help was to come from me. I could now spend a few days with Julian taking

him through one of my coaching programmes designed for this situation.

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Interests The things that you love doing and that make you happy.

Abilities The things you are naturally good at and able to do easily and effortlessly.

Skills The things you have learnt to do.

Purpose What you want to achieve in your lifetime.

Personal Style The style in which you approach everything you do.

Values What is important to you, the principles that you want to live your life by.

Goals The outcomes that you want to achieve.

Qualities Features of your personality.

Time Out

When working with teenagers involving their future, I use a rather

controversial method that does not look at grades at all and keeps

them out of consideration. I use a system that I made up for myself

when I failed some exams and realised I needed some motivation.

Since then, I have used it successfully with many teenagers.

The system is based on the principle that to be successful in

planning your future, there are eight key aspects of your character

and personality that you need to understand.

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During my first day with Julian my main aim was to get all the information I

needed from him so that we could, on the following day, use it to make plans.

To do this I asked Julian a series of questions and did a lot of detective work.

The first aspect we considered was Abilities. Juli an felt that he had natural

ability in these five activities and that he did no t need to put any special effort

into them:-

Sport

Studying

Maths

Making friends

These eight aspects, when looked at together and considered as a

whole, will help the teenager to come to his own conclusions about his

next steps - based on what he is good at, what he enjoys and what he

wants to do.

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Having Fun

You can do this exercise at home with your own teenager. Either ask him directly “what do you do

that you find easy and do with very little effort”, as I did with Julian, or use the indirect approach.

For example, every time your teenager does something that works out well or is easy for him,

draw attention to it by saying “You seem to have a natural ability with Maths, well done”. This is

better than saying “good result with your Maths test”.

Julian and I then moved on to Skills – the things y ou have been taught and

have learnt to do, as opposed to the things you are able to do naturally and

without much effort. One person may pick up a guit ar and have a natural

aptitude for it, whereas another may have to be tau ght and then practice what

has been learnt before getting it right. To help t eenagers identify skills I show

them a version of a chart I use when I am teaching the Highlands Ability

Programme to organisations. This defines skills in different ways and

teenagers find it much easier to understand.

Skills List

Manual Skills – Putting things together, building things, using machinery/computers,

using tools, using telephones, growing plants.

Physical Skills – Sports, camping, backpacking, moving, lifting things.

Analytical Skills – solving problems, identifying trouble before it happens,

developing ideas, organizing, making up systems, remembering things, gathering

information.

Visual Skills – attention to details, ability to remember certain things (like clothes

people are wearing), noticing things around you, finding inconsistencies when

examining things like wiring.

Intuitive Skills – showing foresight, perceiving, planning, and knowing how others

are feeling.

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Creative Skills - Imagining, producing ideas, inventing, developing, always

improving things, organizing.

Artistic Skills – using colours and texture effectively, having an eye for space and

design, being good at writing stories, music, drawing.

Communication Skills – reading, writing, speaking, talking in public, teaching,

training, describing, questioning, memorizing, translating languages, debating,

negotiating, being assertive, being good at acknowledging others.

Counselling Skills - Listening, knowing how others feel, interviewing, consulting with

others, advising, motivating, cooperating, being self confident.

Performance Skills – acting, demonstrating something, making people laugh,

directing, performing music, possessing self-discipline.

Persuasive Skills – influencing others, selling, promoting, motivating, changing

behaviour to suit circumstances, being assertive, raising funds.

Leadership Skills – Organizing, directing, controlling situations, taking risks,

coordinating others, solving problems, listening, motivating, planning, setting goals,

compromising, giving credit to others, intervening in a crisis, managing stress,

working well alone, taking full responsibility.

Number Skills – computing, computer applications, computer programming,

calculations, statistics, managing finances, budgeting.

Completion Skills –following through as promised, staying on schedule, executing

plans, attending to details, retrieving data, making arrangements, keeping others

informed.

Investigative Skills – asking questions, interviewing, gathering information, in-depth

researching, experimenting.

Organizing Skills – providing structure to something, prioritising, setting up systems

and procedures, making lots of different things work as a whole.

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Julian looked at the list and decided he had physic al skills, communication

skills and persuasive skills.

You can do the same with your teenager. By naming skills when you see them being used, you

can help to identify where they lie. Comments like “You have such good organisation skills” “You

really have some leadership skills, you know” and “Your communication skills are great” said in

the right circumstances can have good effects. Remember that up until now, no one has really

been teaching your teenager all of this. Although at first it may seem strange, think what a gift

you are giving him.

I then moved on to Personal Style.

Personal Style is the way in which your teenager approaches everything he does, from how he

relates to his friends to what sort of job will be best for him. Knowing what his personal style is

will help you in supporting him with all his activities and it will help you to understand and relate to

him more.

There are four types of personal style to consider in this context.

The Director – this is someone who directs and/or leads others, is likely to be quite emotionally

“savy” and a good talker, can win others round with charm, can naturally take the lead position in

any given situation. The Director loves being with people and wants to know a little about many

things, finds being alone very difficult; wants to be out influencing people.

If your child is a leader he is likely to have lots of friends and to always be “bossing” others

around. He will walk into a room and “command”. He is very self-assured and generally well

motivated.

The Performer – this person loves performing, being with people in front of a group, but unlike

the leader wants to have specialist knowledge. Performers want to know as much as they can

about their chosen subject. They love working with a group.

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If you child is a performer you will know it. He likes been the centre of attention and loves to

show off. The main difference between performers and leaders is in their interests. Leaders will

have lots of them and flit from one to another, performers will have only a few interests which they

will study in depth.

The Producer – this person is someone who knows a lot about many things and loves to be

behind the scenes, loves being the power behind the throne and wants none of the credit. The

producer is happy to produce the film, but not to direct it or star in it. Producers may become

stressed when they spend large amounts of time with people and they are thrilled by knowing that

they have done a good job.

If your child is a producer he may quietly get on with things, not really making a big scene about

anything. He is not likely to ever take the lead and you may get frustrated with his unwillingness

to take the credit or shine.

The Researcher – this is someone who knows a lot about a particular subject and prefers to

work alone, loves to research things and spend hours locked in an office.

If you have a researcher as a child you are likely to have very few problems with him at all and

your biggest concern may be the fact that he works too hard. He may not go out much and will

spend hours in his bedroom.

Just by looking at these four styles, you can probably guess which one your teenager possesses.

The key is to work out which and then accept it. Too many parents try to change their child’s

personal style into their own. They believe that if their child is not behaving as they do there is

something wrong with him. Once you can accept which is your child’s personal style, it is easier

to understand him and to work with him to create a future.

Julian automatically recognised himself instantly a s a performer.

We then moved on to Values. I find that teenagers enjoy doing this exercise

and it can have a profound effect on them.

Values, put simply, are those things which are important to you, the principles by which you want

to live your life. Your teenager’s values are the foundation to a successful and happy life. They

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are the things that drive the way he want to live his life. I have discovered four ways to work with

teenagers when considering values. I ask them to talk to me about:-

1. A time when they felt on top of the world.

2. A time when they felt really annoyed and angry.

3. A time when they were really worried about something.

4. Somebody they admire, for example, a celebrity, a sports personality, or an historical figure.

In essence what you are trying to do is find out what is important to them, what are the principles

governing the way they live.

As a parent you can do this in your daily experiences with your teenager and help him to find out

what he stands for. When he comes home excited about something that happened ask him how

it made him feel and what he liked about it. “I liked standing in front of the class and explaining to

them what I had learnt and teaching them something they did not know” can be easily reframed

by you as the parent to “So you really like educating those around you and introducing them to

new things”. When they are annoyed you can do the same thing “ I am so angry I hate the way

Lucy picks on people” can become “ So fairness is important to you “ . When your teenager talks

about someone he admires dig a little deeper and ask him why, what is it he likes about the

person. This will also give you valuable clues to what is important to him. When a child is

between the ages of seven and nine they live out their values instinctively. Try to remember what

things your teenager did as a child, did he read, write, draw, what games did he play. How do all

those activities that relate to what they value today.

With Julian we talked about who he admired. He sai d “Tom Hanks”. He

admired Tom Hanks because he was committed, dedicat ed, and versatile, had

integrity and achieved great things. Well this was how he perceived him

anyway.

This indicated that Julian valued:-

Commitment – knowing what you want to do and being committed to it.

Dedication- going after what you want at all costs.

Versatility – able to do different things and have variety.

Integrity – sticking to what you believe in.

Achievement – achieve great things in your life.

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The next aspect we talked about was Goals. I asked Julian just one question

on this. “What is the one thing that you want to a chieve at the moment?” He

simply replied “I want to have fun”. Some people m ay not consider this to be a

goal but I think it is important that we accept wha tever the teenager says. If

Julian is motivated by fun then we need to go along with that.

I ended the first the day with Qualities and Intere st. These are often the most

enjoyable and the easiest.

For qualities I asked Julian to ring up five of his friends and to ask them to

describe him in five words. He appeared to be relu ctant at first, but he

eventually agreed.

I also asked him to come back to me with a list of his Interests.

At home with your teenager, these are the two easiest aspects to consider. You know what your

teenager is interested in just by the things he does, and is excited about. Also take note of how

others describe him. If in doubt, ask a selection of people including their friends. The insights

you will get from this will prove interesting.

Julian came back the next day with the list of what his friends thought about

him and it read:-

Funny

Outgoing

Practical

Kind

Show off.

It appeared that he and his mates had had a great l augh doing it.

His list of interests read:-

Sport

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Outdoors

Danger

Fun

Kids.

When we considered Purpose we had a long discussion .

I asked him to answer one simple question for me. “Imagine that you have won

the lottery and you are living your perfect day. Y ou can do anything, create

anything and have everything; there is one catch th ough, you have to create a

business, or a product or a job, that will affect society in a big way. I want you

to think about what you would create and why. Aft er some thought Julian

stated that if he won the lottery he would start a sports club for “kids that were

in trouble”. This was something that had surprised him and his parents, who

never knew he wanted to change the lives of childre n.

You can do a similar exercise at home but you have to be very very patient. I find the best way to

do it in the home is gently and slowly. When your teenager is talking about someone he admires

ask him what things that person is doing for the world. Ask him if he thinks people are put here

for a purpose, tell him what you think your purpose is (so you had better find one soon). Just

bring up the notion and ask the question. After a while you will start to get somewhere.

We now had to put all this information together, to add up all the parts and see

what they would make. For this we made a table.

Abilities

Sport

Studying

Maths

Making friends

Having Fun

Skills

physical skills, communication skills

and persavive skills.

Values

Commitment

Personal Style

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Dedication.

Versatility

Integrity

Achievement

Performer

Qualities

Funny

Outgoing

Practical

Kind

Show off

Interests

Sport

Outdoors

Danger

Fun

Kids

Purpose

Sports Club – kids

Goal

To have fun

I then asked the family to put this table on the ki tchen wall next to a blank

sheet of paper. Every time they passed by they wer e to write, on the blank

paper, jobs or careers that came to mind. This nee ded to continue for a few

weeks.

You could do a similar thing at home with this it your teenager is willing to accept it. If not, just do

the table and think of options yourself. Briefly mention these options to your teenager and see

what reaction you get. If you get a “Yeah, like the sound of that” then ask what you should do

next. If you get a negative response, then just ask “if you don’t like the idea of that what do you

like the idea of?” You have to be patient with this, it can take some time.

Ruth and David wrote things on the paper whenever t hey could think of

anything and Julian just appeared to stare at it an d do nothing. They kept

going though.

Then there was a panic ‘phone call one day. Julian proudly declared that he

wanted to take a gap year and asked if they would p ay for it.

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Said “yeah, right, you sit on the sofa all day and now you expect me to fund a

worldwide trip for you”? Laughed before slamming the door and going upstairs doing

an impression of Victor Meldrew, saying “I don’t believe it”? Or would you have

decided enough was enough and given in?

Ruth and David were not happy. Their visions of co llege were slowly going

down the drain. It appeared, however, that they ha d not investigated his

reasoning through at all. He wanted to go to count ries like Brazil, which had a

lot of street children, to start up some sports ini tiatives. It wasn’t just a “trip”

after all and to me it made perfect sense, consider ing all the work we had just

done . Ruth and David worked with Julian to work out a pla n that took into

account his safety, how he would fund himself and w hat he would do when he

returned. He surprised them by his maturity, he ha d made up a payment plan

for himself, worked out the costs and also was look ing into sport leadership

courses. They rang up the college got him register ed for a year hence and put

all the systems in place, so they felt satisfied. T hey did lend him the money,

which that was their personal choice but only after they were satisfied this was

not just a whim.

Ruth and David did a great job and Julian is now at college studying sports

psychology and planning how he can get funding for his sports centres. His

trip was incredible and taught him a lot. He will, in his words, “be paying his

parents back for ever.” For me, the real joy in th is situation is seeing a young

man who is motivated develop and show purpose that is unstoppable.

There is no doubt that this process was accelerated because the coaching methods I employed

were helpful and Julian is an unusual young man. You can use some of these methods in your

home. It is important not to attempt to change anything. If I had told Julian that having fun was

not a goal or that his purpose was unachievable, I would have closed him down. You have to

take all they say and accept it as it is because you never know where it might lead. You need to

throw your own beliefs, needs and wants out of the window and just deal with whatever your

teenager throws at you, The only difference between having me coach your child and you doing

FREEZEFREEZEFREEZEFREEZE: : : : what would you have done?what would you have done?what would you have done?what would you have done?

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19

it yourself is that I am not attached to the outcome as much as you are. This enables me to stand

back and go along with whatever is put forward. This is what you need to do.

So, time to get your own teenager thinking about what the future has in store for him.

Action Points ……..to the future and beyond!

1. Worst situation.

If your teenager is like Julian, not making any headway at all with his future plans or even

acknowledging that he has a future, then you as the parent need to take action so that something

is done about it. Think of what the worst situation might be in the circumstances, ask yourself

what you would do if this did happen what would be your plan of action. This will help you to

eliminate the fears you have and to move forward.

2. Guidelines

Decide what the guidelines are, as Ruth and David did. What are you willing and not willing to do

as parents, if your teenager does not take this matter into his own hands? Be very clear and talk

to your teenager about these guidelines. You need to make sure that you are 100% willing to

carry them out, otherwise you are just making empty threats and promises which your teenager

will spot right away.

3. Pressure off you – choice on them

This is his choice and his alone. While you can support him, ultimately he has to be the one that

makes the choice. Choose now to put the choice on to him and to take the pressure off yourself.

4. Get off his back

Once you have talked about the guidelines it really is over to him. Let him know you are going to

stop nagging, leaving him alone to come to his own conclusions.

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5. Hold on a little while longer.

Just when you think it is not working and that all is going wrong, hold on a little longer. Resist the

need to step in. Holding on just that little while longer can bring you all the result you want.

6. Grades are only one part of the equation.

Don’t let your teenager make decisions on his future based solely on grades. Use the eight

aspects of personality and character system that worked with Julian. If you cannot work directly

with him then do it indirectly, by offering suggestions and seeing what happens.

7. Be creative

Be creative with the options for your teenager. Don’t ask what jobs exist that he might like, look

at what could be creative, what you may not know exists. Go beyond the realm of job and into

the realm of possibilities. My job did not exist for me until I created it and your teenager may be

the same.

8. Support but don’t be a walk over

Whatever options are found, support your teenager. At the same time make sure you satisfy your

own end of the bargain. Don’t just give in blindly. Make sure that that you have guidelines for

any support and that they are met.

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Sarah Newton is the UK’s best known and most experienced teen coach and has recently fronted

her own TV show, “My Teen's a Nightmare - I'm Moving Out”. Sarah has many TV, Radio and

Print credits to her name and is the media's first choice when it comes to Teen Experts.

With over 10 years practical experience, Sarah has developed a proven proprietary methodology,

which is designed to develop positive long term outcomes. This methodology is used throughout

her consultancy, which can be found at www.sarahnewton.com.

The solutions she offers are aimed at helping young adults and parents address the issues of the

teenage years and ease the stress of family life.

This book has the support of a website which boasts forums, classes and quizzes that you can

take part in. The website address is www.myteenagerisanalien.com. To enter this site and all its

features you will need to sign up to the free membership option. There you will make up your

own user name and password.

For more information on Sarah and her products and services, call 0870 751 8825 or e-mail

[email protected].