Family Guy - Scott Baio is Coming From the Westside

FAMILY GUY

"Scott Baio is Coming From the Westside"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

ACT ONE

INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY

BRIAN and STEWIE are watching TV.

(ON TV) INT. TV SET - DAY

ELLEN DEGENERES is sitting alongside 50 CENT and GUCCI MANE.

ELLEN DEGENERES

Alright. Welcome back. I'm here with

rappers 50 Cent and Gucci Mane -- who

have joined us today because they've

decided to end their long standing

feud.

50 CENT

Wait a second. What feud? I don't

remember having no feud with Gucci

Mane.

GUCCI MANE

Yeah. Me neither.

ELLEN DEGENERES

Oh. Well, um. You guys are too high to

remember your feud.

50 CENT

(ANGRY) Yeah! I'll bet I have all

kinds of beef with Gucci Mane that I

don't remember, cuz I'm so high! (TO

GUCCI MANE) I'm gonna beat your ass!

50 Cent attacks Gucci Mane, and they fight.

(CONTINUED)

Music starts playing, and Ellen gets up and dances while 50 Cent and Gucci Mane continue to fight.


STEWIE

Now I get why people watch this show.

The doorbell rings. Brian opens the door to reveal SCOTT BAIO (50).

SCOTT BAIO

How you doing? I'm the new boy in the

neighborhood, and I was wondering if

there are any women here you need me

to sleep with, or any sitcoms you need

me to star in. Keep in mind that I'm a

very versatile actor and sex-man.

BRIAN

Aren't you the guy from Happy Days and

Charles in Charge?

SCOTT BAIO

Yeah. I'm Scott Baio. The guy from

Happy Days, and Charles and Charge,

and the new upcoming reality show

titled I'm Scott Baio -- the Guy From

Happy Days and Charles in Charge.

BRIAN

I see. And is there any particular

reason why you're licking our

doorpost?

Scott Baio is licking the doorpost.

2.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

SCOTT BAIO

What do you mean? Are you inviting me

in for some juice and biscuits?

BRIAN

Not exactly.

SCOTT BAIO

Cranberry juice would be fantastic.

Thanks.

Scott Baio enters.

SCOTT BAIO (CONT’D)

(IMITATING MORK FROM MORK & MINDY)

Nanu nanu.

EXT. YACHT - DAY

PETER, QUAGMIRE, JOE, and CLEVELAND are chatting on a crowded yacht.

CLEVELAND

This is the way to spend a weekend. At

a yacht party.

PETER

Little known fact: yacht is spelled Y-

A-C-H-T.

JOE

We know.

PETER

Little known fact: it's pronounced

"yacht," and not (PRONOUNCES YACHT THE

WAY IT'S SPELLED) yeach-ch-t.

3.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

QUAGMIRE

Peter. Do you know what the expression

"little known fact" means?

PETER

Little known fact: I don't know what

the expression "little know fact"

means. Little known fact: Does your

cousin own this yacht, or does he rent

it?

QUAGMIRE

He bought it today. He's really rich.

QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN (40) walks up to them.

QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN

Were you guys talking about how rich I

am?

QUAGMIRE

Yeah.

QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN

You should talk about that. I'm very

rich. ... (SCOFFS) And my mother told

me I'd never amount to anything.

QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN'S MOTHER (60) is standing by him.

QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN'S MOTHER

I didn't say that. I said you'd be

President of the United States.

QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN

The point is, you were wrong.

4.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

PETER

If you're so rich, then how come when

I buy underwear, it comes in a 3 pack?

QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN

(HALF HUGS PETER IN A FRIENDLY MANNER,

AND SAYS TO QUAGMIRE) I like this guy.

(TO PETER) Have a drink. (HANDS HIM A

DRINK) We should hang out more often,

Peter. But not really -- because I

usually hang out with rich people.

PETER

You know what? I'm gonna be rich too,

like you. How did you make your money?

QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN

By making an app.

PETER

Is that anything like shaking a map?

QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN

(STARES AT PETER FOR A FEW SECONDS)

The point is, I'm very rich. ...

(SCOFFS) And my mother told me I'd be

President of the United States. What

an idiot!

QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN'S MOTHER

Idiot?! I'm a quantum physicist.

5.

CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

PETER

No, Mrs. Quagmire. It's pronounced

condom. You're a condom physicist. Say

it with me. Condom physicist.


Scott Baio is blowing bubbles.

SCOTT BAIO

This is pretty fun.

BRIAN

I'm not so sure it is.

SCOTT BAIO

It's plenty fun. But do you know what

would make it funner?

STEWIE

I think I know. Waving our hands in

the air, like we just don't care.

(WAVES HIS HANDS IN THE AIR) Look. I'm

waving my hands in the air. Like I

just don't care.

SCOTT BAIO

I was gonna say that we should do

cocaine. Do you guys have any?

BRIAN

We don't have any cocaine, we're not

shooting a sitcom, we don't have any

women for you to sleep with, and we're

all out of cranberry juice.

6.

CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

SCOTT BAIO

... If you do have cocaine, I can

snort if for you. I'm a very versatile

actor. I can snort a variety of

cocaines in a variety of ways. For

instance, if you have some Ecuadorian

cocaine on the floor, I can just suck

it all up my nose, like I'm a vacuum

cleaner.

STEWIE

(ANGRILY) We don't have any cocaine,

Scott Baio!

SCOTT BAIO

... Do you guys have any hookers?

Because if you do, I can have sex with

them for you. I won't even charge you.

BRIAN

Um. Let me ask you a question, Scott

Baio. Why are exactly are you in our

house?

SCOTT BAIO

What do you mean why? We're hanging

out. We're becoming buddies.

BRIAN

You called me a liberal douchebag

idiot five minutes ago.

7.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

SCOTT BAIO

But I'm a broadminded guy -- so I'm

willing to hang out with liberal

douchebag idiots like you. (IMITATING

BARBARINO FROM WELCOME BACK, KOTTER)

Up your nose with a rubber hose.

INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY

Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are seated at a table.

PETER

Man. That yacht party was awesome. I'm

surprised it ended so early. Is your

cousin gonna have another party

tomorrow?

QUAGMIRE

Probably not. He spent all of his

money -- and the bank took away his

yacht and sold it to Dr. Oz.

EXT. YACHT - DAY

KANYE WEST is snorting cocaine on the yacht deck, while DR. OZ stands nearby.

KANYE WEST

(RAPS) Kanye West and Dr. Oz /

Snorting that blow and living real

large / I am a negro / He is Caucasian

/ We're doing yayo / I'm on probation

(STOPS RAPPING) Yo Oz. This is the

best yeah-ch-t party I've ever been

to. Is this yayo Bolivian?

8.

CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

DR. OZ

Yes. Little known fact. Bolivian

cocaine contains a compound that can

be used to treat yeast infections.

KANYE WEST

(TO KIM KARDASHIAN) Yo Kim! Do you

have a yeast infection?

KIM KARDASHIAN is standing several yards away from him.

KIM KARDASHIAN

No.

KANYE WEST

(RAPS) Kanye West is sailing east /

Kim's vagina ain't got no yeast


CLEVELAND

Your cousin spent all his money today?

QUAGMIRE

Yeah. All $20 million.

CLEVELAND

When did he make that money?

QUAGMIRE

Yesterday.

CLEVELAND

How?

QUAGMIRE

You know. By making an app.

9.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

PETER

Is that anything like taking a crap?

QUAGMIRE

No.

PETER

But those words rhyme. So they mean

the same thing.

QUAGMIRE

Except they don't, because that's not

how words work.

PETER

Sure it is. Haven't you ever read a

tyrannosaurus?

QUAGMIRE

You mean a thesaurus?

PETER

Tyrannosaurus and thesaurus rhyme --

so they're cinnamons.

JOE

You mean "synonyms?"

PETER

Cinnamons and synonyms are also

cinnamons. Actually, no. Everything

I've said for the last 27 second has

been pure nonsense. (SUDDENLY, OUT OF

NOWHERE) Wait a second!

10.

CONTINUED:

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

(TO QUAGMIRE) Your cousin made $20

million with an app?! (TO EVERYONE)

Are you guys thinking what I'm

thinking?

Close up on Joe's head.

JOE (V.O.)

Cops is filmed on location with the

men and women of law enforcement.

Close up on Cleveland's head.

CLEVELAND (V.O.)

I'm the only person in this bar with a

mustache.

Close up on Quagmire's head.

QUAGMIRE (V.O.)

Get that camera away from me.

Zoom out from Quagmire's head.

Close up on Peter's head.

PETER (V.O.)

I even saw the lights of the Goodyear

blimp. And it read, "Ice Cube's a

pimp." Wait. Now I'm having another

thought. We should make an app.

PETER

We should make an app.

Close up on Joe's head.

JOE (V.O.)

That's a stupid idea.

11.

CONTINUED: (2)PETER (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)

Close up on Cleveland's head.

CLEVELAND (V.O.)

That's a stupid idea.

Close up on Quagmire's head.

QUAGMIRE (V.O.)

I'm gonna have sex with a honeydew

melon.

Close up on Peter's head

PETER (V.O.)

I even saw the lights of the Goodyear

blimp. And it read, "Ice Cube's a

pimp."

JOE

Peter -- that's a stupid idea.

PETER

Are you saying Ice Cube is not a pimp?

JOE

Making an app is a stupid idea.

PETER

But Quagmire's cousin got rich.

CLEVELAND

99.999% of people who make an app

don't get rich.

PETER

Well. I am gonna get rich, because I'm

gonna be part of the 88.888%.

12.

CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

JOE

That's not how numbers work, Peter.

PETER

Sure it is. They're cinnamons.

END OF ACT ONE

13.

CONTINUED: (4)

ACT TWO


Brian, Stewie, and Scott Baio are watching TV.

SCOTT BAIO

Let's watch Fox News.

BRIAN

I'm not really a fan of that channel.

SCOTT BAIO

Yeah. Because you're a liberal

douchebag idiot. I'm not a doctor --

but I play one on TV.

BRIAN

Don't you have to, like, go film your

reality show?

SCOTT BAIO

Oh. Right. My reality show.

He takes out his cell phone and begins recording himself.


Scott Baio's reality show. Rated TV-

PG. Hi. I'm Scot Baio -- and this is

my reality show. I'm gonna masturbate

now -- but I'm gonna keep the camera

on my face the entire time, since this

is a family program.

BRIAN

Um. Me and Stewie -- we gotta get

going. We have to be at a, um ...

14.

(CONTINUED)

STEWIE

Liberal douchebag convention.

SCOTT BAIO

Oh. Well. I'll go with you.

BRIAN

Or you can go to your home.

SCOTT BAIO

Don't be stupid, Brian. That doesn't

make any sense.

BRIAN

Stewie. Can I see you in the kitchen

for a moment?

STEWIE

Yes. But first, put your hands in the

air, and wave them like you just don't

care.

BRIAN

No.

STEWIE

If you don't, I'm gonna ask Scott Baio

to give us a rundown of all the

different cocaines he can snort up his

nose.

BRIAN

Fine. (WAVES HIS HANDS) I'm waving my

hands, Stewie. Are you happy?

15.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

STEWIE

Well. The thing is, it seems like you

care. I want you to wave your hands in

the air like you just don't care.

BRIAN

(CONTINUES WAVING HIS HANDS) I don't

care, Stewie. I don't care.

STEWIE

Now repeat after me. Say, "Hey, yo."

BRIAN

Hey, yo.

STEWIE

Hey, yo.

BRIAN

Hey, yo.

STEWIE

Hey, hey.

BRIAN

Hey, hey.

STEWIE

Hey, hey.

BRIAN

Hey, hey.

STEWIE

(CHANTING LIKE A RAPPER) All the

bitches in the house, take off your

clothes.

16.

CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

BRIAN

All the bitches in the house, take off

your clothes.

CHRIS enters from the kitchen.

STEWIE

Walk in a straight line, and touch

your nose.

BRIAN AND CHRIS

Walk in a straight line, and touch

your nose.

STEWIE

All the dogs in the house, drink out

of a hose.

BRIAN

Just get in the damn kitchen, Stewie!

INT. GRIFFIN'S KITCHEN - DAY

STEWIE

So. What do you want to talk about?

BRIAN

How are we gonna get rid of Scott

Baio?

STEWIE

Well. He'll probably leave at some

point over the next several hours. I

guess we'll just wait.

BRIAN

Right. Yeah.

17.

CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

They walk back into the living room.


Scot Baio is setting up a tent while Chris watches.

CHRIS

Are we gonna tell ghost stories later,

Mr. Baio?

SCOTT BAIO

(IMITATING ARCHIE BUNKER FROM ALL IN

THE FAMILY) Stifle yourself, Edith!

BRIAN

Um. This might be a dumb question --

but is that a tent?

SCOTT BAIO

Yeah.

BRIAN

Um. This might also be a dumb question

-- but what do you intend to do with

that tent?

SCOTT BAIO

Mostly sleep in it, and have sex in

it, and maybe wave my hands in the air

in it, like I just don't care.

STEWIE

That's the spirit!

18.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

BRIAN

(TO SCOTT BAIO) Remember how earlier,

you said something about being new to

the neighborhood? Does that mean you

also have a home in the neighborhood?

SCOTT BAIO

Don't be stupid, Brian. Why would I

have a home, when I have a tent in the

middle of your living room?

BRIAN

Fair point.

INT. APPLE STORE - DAY

Peter and some other CUSTOMERS are standing near the laptops. Peter turns to a MAN who's typing on a laptop.

PETER

You think you're better than me, just

because you know how to type fast?

MAN

Uh. No.

PETER

Hey. Them's fightin' words where I

come from!

Peter takes off his shirt.

PETER (CONT’D)

Massachusetts! I come from

Massachusetts!

MEG and a FEMALE FRIEND enter the store.

19.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

PETER (CONT’D)

(TO MAN) (CHANTING) I come from

Massachusetts! / I come from



Massachusetts!

FEMALE FRIEND

(TO MEG) Meg. Isn't that your dad?

MEG

Uh. No. That's a shirtless man in an

Apple Store chanting, "I come from

Massachusetts." ... Let's to Forever

21.

Meg and her Friend exist.

An APPLE GENIUS (male, 30) walks up to Peter.

APPLE GENIUS

Sir. Can I help you?

PETER

Yeah. I need you to make an app for

me. A good app. One that'll make me

part of the 88.888%, instead of the

99.999%. Don't make one of those

stupid apps, that, um, smell like

cheese, and are only SPF 10.

20.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

APPLE GENIUS

Sir. I'm not really qualified to deal

with a person who's at your level of

stupidity.

PETER

Fine. I'll dumb it down for you. I

need you to make an app that's, like,

really awesome, so I can buy a yacht.

APPLE GENIUS

Sir. Here at the Apple Store, we don't

make apps for people.

PETER

So you're saying I should hire a

Taiwanese person to make the app for

me.

APPLE GENIUS

That's not what I'm saying at all.

PETER

I hear you loud and clear. You're

saying I should hire a Korean person.

INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Brian, Stewie, and Scott Baio are watching TV.

SCOTT BAIO

Man. Bill O'Reilly is on an amazing

right streak. His last 24 opinions

have been 100% right.

21.

CONTINUED: (2)

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

Isn't he right about everything, Brian

-- you dumb, liberal son of a bitch?

BRIAN

Scott -- I'm only gonna say this one

more time. Get the hell out of this

house.

STEWIE

Brian -- I'm only gonna say this one

more time. All the bitches in the

house, take off your clothes.

The doorbell rings. Brian opens the door to reveal a POLICE OFFICER (male, 40).

POLICE OFFICER

Hi. You called about someone who won't

leave your house.

BRIAN

Yes.

POLICE OFFICER

(LOOKS INSIDE) Holy crap! It's Scott

Baio!

SCOTT BAIO

I say the exact same thing every

morning when I look in the mirror to

shave.

POLICE OFFICER

Wow! I'm a huge fan of yours.

22.

CONTINUED:SCOTT BAIO (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)

SCOTT BAIO

I say the exact same thing every

afternoon when I look in the mirror to

masturbate.

POLICE OFFICER

I'll bet! (WALKS IN AND LOOKS AT THE

TV SCREEN) Hey. Bill O'Reilly. This is

my favorite show.

The office sits down.

SCOTT BAIO

Mine, too! (IMITATING ARI GOLD FROM

ENTOURAGE) Let's hug it out, bitch.

POLICE OFFICER

Sounds good.

Scott Baio and the Police Officer hug.

BRIAN

(TO THE POLICE OFFICER) Um. Remember

that whole thing I said earlier, about

the guy who won't leave my home?

POLICE OFFICER

Right. Yeah.

BRIAN

I was talking about Scott Baio.

POLICE OFFICER

Why would you want Scott Baio to leave

your home?

23.

CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

SCOTT BAIO

Don't mind him. He says a lot of dumb

stuff that makes no sense. Do you want

to sleep over? I got a tent and

everything.

POLICE OFFICER

That would be great!

SCOTT BAIO

(IMITATING BEAVIS FROM BEAVIS AND

BUTTHEAD) I am Cornholio!

Peter enters.


Norm!


Peter is seated at a table with Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland.

JOE

So. Are you still doing the app thing?

PETER

Yeah. Last night, Scott Baio called up

this Korean computer genius named

Charles Ho -- and this afternoon, me

and Charles Ho had a meeting, and I

hired him. According to out contract,

he gets 20% of the profits plus all

the food he can eat -- and he handles

all of my company's technical stuff.

24.

CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

CLEVELAND

And what do you handle?

PETER

Mostly the non-technical stuff.

CLEVELAND

Such as?

PETER

Whether we should order Original

Recipe or Extra Crispy.

INT. KFC - DAY (FLASHBACK SCENE)

Peter walks up to a CASHIER (male, 30).

PETER

Can we have a 12 piece bucket, with

half Original Recipe, and half Extra

Crispy?

KFC EMPLOYEE

Sure.

Peter punches the Employee and grabs his collar.

PETER

OK! I'm not messing around anymore!

What are the secret herbs and spices?!

KFC EMPLOYEE

I don't know!

PETER

Salt! Is salt one of them?!

KFC EMPLOYEE

Probably.

25.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

PETER

What about pepper?

KFC EMPLOYEE

Fine! You win! The 11 secret herbs and

spices are salt, pepper, more salt,

more pepper, more salt, more pepper, a

little more salt, a little more

pepper, MSG, salt, pepper, salt, and

pepper.

PETER

Little known fact: Colonel is

pronounced cuh-LOW-nul.


CLEVELAND

In other words, Charles Ho makes the

app, and you buy chicken.

PETER

Yeah. I mean, that's how 99.999% of

businesses work. It's basic

macroeconomics. Chicken and apps.

JOE

Well what kind of an app is Charles Ho

making?

PETER

Look at me, Joe. I'm CEO. I can't

concern myself with minor details

about apps.

26.

CONTINUED:

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

I mean, when Cuh-LOW-nul Sanders goes

to work, do you think he puts the slaw

in every batch of cole slaw? Of course

not. He hires Korean Vice Presidents

who specialize in slaw. That's how you

run a business. With Korean slaw

specialists, and Korean app

specialists. Now, I'd love to continue

chatting with you gentleman about the

intriscuiticities of business

management -- but as you might

imagine, I need to take a nap.

He lies down on the table and falls asleep.

INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - NIGHT

Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Brian, Stewie, Scott Baio, and CHARLES HO (16, Korean) are eating dinner. We have yet to see Scott Baio and Charles Ho at the table.

LOIS

Honey. Who's that guy sitting next to

you?

The camera changes to reveal Charles Ho eating meatloaf.

PETER

This is Charles Ho -- my Vice

President of CEO Technological

Development Managing Director of

Developmental Operations, Jr. the

Third, Nick Knack, Paddwack, Give a

Dog an Iphone App.

27.

CONTINUED:PETER (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)

Charles is busy working on a laptop computer, while holding a piece of meatloaf with one hand and taking a bite out of it.

LOIS

Peter. What the hell are you talking

about?

CHARLES

(speaks Korean to Chris)

CHRIS

(responds in Korean)

CHARLES

(responds in Korean)

Chris and Charles both let out a traditional Asian laugh.

LOIS

Chris -- you speak Korean?

CHRIS

I don't think so, mom.

BRIAN

Um. Sorry to interrupt your

fascinating discussion about whatever

idiotic thing Peter is doing this week

-- but aren't any of you curious about

how Scott Baio slept in a tent in our

living room last night, and now he's

sitting here in our kitchen?

The camera reveals Scott Baio eating directly out of his plate like he's a dog.

28.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

SCOTT BAIO

(TO LOIS) (IMITATING EDDIE HASKELL

FROM LEAVE IT TO BEAVER) Gee, Mrs.

Cleaver. This meatloaf is out of this

world. Do I detect a hint of oregano?

He picks up the plate and throws it against a wall.

CHARLES

(TO PETER) OK. I finished the app.

PETER

Great.

Charles grabs the rest of the meatloaf on the table, and leaves.

Peter takes out his phone.

PETER (CONT’D)

(INTO PHONE) Hi. I'm a millionaire,

and I want to buy a yacht. Do you have

any in fuchsia? (TO LOIS) They have

white and orange.

LOIS

Peter -- hang up the phone!

Peter hangs up.

LOIS (CONT’D)

Who was that kid who just left?

SCOTT BAIO

And how come everyone's so obsessed

with Marcia? (IMITATING JAN FROM THE

BRADY BUNCH) Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

29.

CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

PETER

Exactly. The hell with Marcia! (TO

LOIS) Lois -- we're dropping Marcia

from our family, and we're adding

Charles Ho.

LOIS

Who the hell is Charles Ho?

PETER

Charles Ho is my Vice President. Me

and him make a great computer team.

Just like Steve Jobs and Steve the

Other. Charles Ho is like Steve the

Other, since he does all the computer

stuff. And I'm like Steve Jobs,

because I order all the chicken.

SCOTT BAIO

I'm Rick James, bitch!

END OF ACT TWO

30.

CONTINUED: (3)

ACT THREE

EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY

Brian, Stewie, Scott Baio, and the Police Officer are walking.

SCOTT BAIO

Quahog is a great city. Especially

with our crew in it. We're kind of

like those four girls on Sex and the

City?

BRIAN

How the fuck are we like those four

girls on Sex and the City? You're an

insane man, he's a lunatic police

officer, I'm a dog, and Stewie is a

baby with a British accent.

STEWIE

I don't know, Brian. I'm kind of

getting a Sex and the City vibe, too.

(SPOTS A MAN IN A SUIT) Wow. Look at

the guy over there. I'm gonna casually

remove my panties. Tell me if he

notices.

SCOTT BAIO

The point is, Quahog is a great

freaking city.

31.

(CONTINUED)

POLICE OFFICER

Absolutely, bro. It's a great city.

Like, check it out. In Quahog, you can

just pee wherever you want to.

The Police Officer being urinating on the sidewalk.

BRIAN

(TO SCOTT BAIO) Well. You know what

city is even better than Quahog?

Virginia Beach. There are no liberals

there. You'd love it.

SCOTT BAIO

(IMITATING DAN AYKROYD ON SNL) Jane,

you ignorant slut! I'm staying right

here in Quahog.

BRIAN

Stewie. Can I talk to you in private

for a moment?

Brian and Stewie walk a few feet over.

BRIAN (CONT’D)

How are we gonna get rid of Scott

Baio?

STEWIE

How about we try making a run for it?

BRIAN

We just tried that twenty minutes ago.

Scott Baio chased me down and tackled

me.

32.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

STEWIE

Right. But maybe this time we make a

run for it, you'll realize that a dog

should be able to outrun a 1980s

sitcom actor.

BRIAN

I can't outrun Scott Baio -- OK!? We

need another plan.

SCOTT BAIO

Hey! Are you two gonna chat all day?

Let's go. We got stuff to do.

POLICE OFFICER

Yeah. We gotta go to the other side of

town, and pee there.

STEWIE

(TO BRIAN) I have an idea. (TO SCOTT

BAIO) You see that guy over there?

Stewie points to MORTY, who's walking on the sidewalk, 100 yards away from them.

SCOTT BAIO

Yeah.

STEWIE

He stole all of your cocaine and your

hookers.

SCOTT BAIO

Son of a bitch!

33.

CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

Scott Baio takes off running on all fours like a dog, and rapidly makes his way to Morty. He tackles him and starts licking his face.


Give me my coke and hookers!

MORTY

Sir. I can assure you that I don't

have your cocaine or your hookers.

(RECOGNIZES SCOTT BAIO) Holy crap!

You're Scott Baio!

SCOTT BAIO

All the bitches in the house, take off

your clothes.


Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are seated at a table. Peter enters and sits down with them.

PETER

Alright, guys. The app is finished.

JOE

Well what kind of app is it?

PETER

I don't know.

JOE

Well. How many downloads has your app

gotten?

PETER

I don't know. Charles Ho is in charge

of those things.

34.

CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

Scott Baio, the Police Officer, and Morty walk in and up to their table.

SCOTT BAIO

I heard someone say "Charles Ho is in

Charge." Are you guys doing a Charles

in Charge reunion show?

MORTY

(TO EVERYONE) Little known fact. Any

time someone says "Charles in charge"

or "Charles Ho is in charge," Scott

Baio makes an appearance because he

thinks it's a Charles in Charge

reunion show.

SCOTT BAIO

(TO EVERYONE) I'm a very versatile

actor. I can play Charles, or Charles

Ho. Let me show you. Here we go. "You

got it, dude."

QUAGMIRE

That was Michelle's catchphrase on

Full House.

SCOTT BAIO

Fool -- you don't go to college to be

talkin' to no bitches. Yo black ass

'posed to be learnin' somethin'.

JOE

That's Ice Cube from Boyz n the Hood.

35.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

SCOTT BAIO

(TO POLICE OFFICE) Can't learn shit

talkin' to no stupid ass bitch.

POLICE OFFICER

True dat, homey.

MARK CUBAN walks in to the bar.

MARK CUBAN

Peter! What's up, homey! You know that

app I bought from you? It's freaking

amazing!

SCOTT BAIO

I ain't no criminal! I can read,

bitch!

MARK CUBAN

Wow! It's Scott Baio!

He punches Scott Baio in the face, and walks away.

CLEVELAND

(TO PETER) You sold your app to Mark

Cuban?

PETER

For $20 million.

SCOTT BAIO

(IMITATING DJ FROM FULL HOUSE) Oh

Mylanta!

Mark Cuban walks back towards everyone, punches Scott Baio in the face, and then walks away.

36.

CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

PETER

Now if you guys will excuse me, I

gotta go buy, like, everything.

QUAGMIRE

Peter. Slow down. You don't want to

blow your money the way my cousin did.

Quagmire looks over Peter's seat, and notices that he's gone, as are Scott Baio, Morty, and the Police Officer.

QUAGMIRE (CONT’D)

Peter? (TO JOE) What the hell happened

to Peter? And Scott Baio.

Quagmire's phone rings.

QUAGMIRE (CONT’D)

(ON PHONE) Peter. Where are you?

EXT. PAYPHONE - DAY

Peter is talking on a payphone.

PETER

Um. I, um. I spent all the money.

QUAGMIRE

What? How?

PETER

I got a little carried away after I

left. You know how it is. One you

start spending money, you go through

it pretty quickly.

QUAGMIRE

How the hell did you spend $20 million

in eight seconds?

37.

CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

PETER

Hey. I only got 16 Million. The rest

went to the Koreans.

QUAGMIRE

How the hell did you spend $16 million

in eight seconds?

PETER

Actually, it was six seconds. And, you

know. It's the usual story. I bought

too many big boats, I ate too many

endangered species -- plus, Scott Baio

is part of my entourage, and that guy

can do a lot of Panamanian yayo.

Scott Baio, the Police Officer, and Morty are standing behind Peter at the payphone. The Police Officer is urinating on the sidewalk.

MORTY

(TO SCOTT BAIO) I thought we snorted

Bolivian yayo.

SCOTT BAIO

All the dogs in the house drink out of

a hose.

PETER

(INTO PHONE) Yeah. The bank

repossessed everything -- including my

cell phone. But the good news is that

Mark Cuban paid me in cash, so I don't

have to pay income taxes.

38.

CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

An IRS AGENT wearing an "IRS AGENT" t-shirt is standing behind Peter.

IRS AGENT

What did you say?

PETER

None of your business! This is an A

and B conversation -- so why don't you

make like a tree, and C?

POLICE OFFICER

(TO IRS AGENT) Yeah. You liberal

douchebag idiot.

SCOTT BAIO

We be clubbin! Everybody likes when

the girl shakes something!

PETER

Wow, Scott Baio. You always know the

perfect thing to say.

SCOTT BAIO

Westside!


Stewie and Brian are watching TV. The doorbell rings. Brian opens the door to reveal DAVID SCHWIMMER

DAVID SCHWIMMER

Hi. I just moved into the

neighborhood, and I was wondering if

you could put your hands in the air,

and wave them like you just don't

care.

39.

CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

STEWIE

(CALLS ACROSS FROM THE ROOM) Say hey

yo.

DAVID SCHWIMMER

Hey yo.

STEWIE

Hey yo.

DAVID SCHWIMMER

Hey yo. All the bitches in the house,

take off your clothes.

BRIAN

Aren't you the guy who played Ross on

Friends?

DAVID SCHWIMMER

Yeah. I'm David Schw...

Brian slams the door in his face.

THE END

40.

CONTINUED:

Documents

Family Guy - Scott Baio is Coming From the Westside