Communicating Clearly,Setting Limits, & Handling Stress

Jean Miranda, MFT, CEAPEmployee Assistance Program (EAP)

Winter 2013

A Working Definition of Communication

Active Listening Skills

• Practice in Pairs

Active Listening Points

• Don’t give orders or commands

• Be a good listener, truly listening

• Listen with eyes and ears, nonverbally

• Validate feelings first, then facts

• Allow person to vent, know when to move on

Empathic Listening

• Be non-judgmental - don’t put your own value system on the person or situation - don’t judge the facts or reality of their anxiety - listen, validate feelings

• Give your undivided attention• Listen carefully to the REAL message - listen for

clues through the smokescreen• Allow silence for reflection• Use re-statements for clarification

Styles of Verbal Communication

• Assertive

• Aggressive

• Passive

Body Language

• Proxemics

• Kinesics

• Paraverbals

Communicating 100% of Your Meaning

• What % is verbal? • What % is nonverbal?

Nonverbal Behavior

• Any message you transmit to another person has three parts:

– nonverbal = 55%

– paraverbal - 38%

– verbal = 7%

Proxemics

• Invisible extension of our body

• Comfort area, 1.5 to 3 feet around body

• Factors: gender, past history, ethnicity, culture, hygiene, age, relationship, environment, professional experience, height, clothes, facial expression.....

Tips About Personal Space

• Think of personal space of other person

• Violation of personal space can feel like a challenge or provocation

• Signs that you are someone’s space:

– broken eye contact

– bending back

– fingers/hand movements

Kinesics:Body Language

• The nonverbal message we transmit through motion and posture– can be supportive or

provoking– invokes fight-or-

flight response– shoulder to shoulder,

toe to toe

Elements Of Kinesics

• Facial expression

• Eye contact (or none)

• Body Posture, Body Orientation

• Approach (rate of speed)

• Hand Gestures

• Touch

Paraverbals

• How we say what we say

• “Doorway” between verbal & nonverbal communication

• Like “theme music” in a movie: think “Jaws”

Elements of Paraverbals

• Tone: inflection, energy, “attitude”, can be sarcastic, shaming, condescending

• Volume: raising or lowering of voice - don’t have to match person’s volume

• Cadence: speed, rhythm, rate

Non-Verbal Communication

Body Orientation

Touch

Volume

Gesture

Posture

Inflection

Tone

Proxemics

Kinesics

Cadence

Pitch

What You Have to Work With

• Results

• Relationships

Emotional Intelligence

Four Basic Needs

To FeelUnderstood

To Feel Welcome

To Feel Important

To Feel Comfortable

A Simple But Effective Rubric

1. Negative behavior

2. Negative impact

3. Positive behavior

4. Positive impact

Three Keys To Setting LimitsLimits need to be:

• Clear and concise… and consistent

• Reasonable to the person and to the situation

• Enforceable - be prepared to enforce it:

– would I?

– could I?

– no idle threats

Verbal Tips & Techniques

• Remain calm

• Listen, give time to reflect and reply

• Be aware of nonverbals (yours and theirs)

• Redirect - repeat, re-state as needed

• provide positive choices, use humor if possible

• Use positive consequences, build in incentives

Verbal Slip-ups to Avoid

• Overreacting

• Getting into a power struggle

• Making false promises

• Faking attention

• Becoming threatening

• Getting physical

Verbal Slip-ups to Avoid

• Using jargon (esp. psychological)

• Setting limits you aren’t prepared to keep

• Minimizing the other’s feelings or experience

• Being judgmental

• Yelling or getting emotional

• DO model the behaviors we expect

A Tip To Remember

First seek to understand, then to be understood.

Some listen with the intent to reply, rather than the intent to understand.

Precipitating Factors

• Internal and external causes for acting-out behaviors that you may have little or no control over

• A crisis doesn’t happen in a vacuum

• Don’t burn out trying to control what you can’t control - there are other causes of baggage people bring into a situation

• Avoid becoming a precipitating factor yourself - de-personalize it

Precipitating Factors

Internal• Physiological or Psychological illness• Lack of sleep• Stress, overwhelm• Loss of a loved one• Frustration, anxiety, stress, pain, hunger,

depression, fear

External• Family situation• Past history• Money issues• Change of all kinds• Weather,

Environment • Holidays,

anniversary dates

Rational Detachment

• Our ability to stay in control of our emotions during a difficult interaction by remaining professional and not taking it personally

• Create buffer between you and the other person - “wall” deflects some things, allows others in

• Keep yourself healthy at home and at work - stay balanced, take care of yourself

• Create a comfortable work environment

Rational Detachment

Prevention• Prior knowledge• Know your triggers and hot buttons

• Effective Teaming

• Have a life

• Support group/vent

Intervention• Anticipate, prepare

- have a plan A & B

• Don’t personalize

• Organizational focus

• Use humor

• Relaxation techniques

Identifying Your“Hot Buttons”

Think back to the last time you had a “reactive” attitude at work:

• What set it off? What were your “hot buttons?”• How did the reactive attitude affect your interaction

(and the rest of your day)?• What would a strategic response have been?• What were the barriers to having a strategic

response?

What is a “Strategic”Response?

• A response which attempts to achieve the result you desire

• Attempting to be positive in difficult or challenging situations

• Choosing our behaviors and following through with the right attitude despite negative influences

• Taking the initiative to make things happen: Proactive, not Reactive

What to Avoid!Boundaries Can Help

• Letting others’ reactive responses rub off on you

• Taking out your own frustrations on others

• Allowing others to make decisions for you

• Letting others impact your mood or your health

Insulate Your Attitude

• Allow yourself to feel and express emotions (appropriately)

• Use positive self-talk

• Talk about it with a friend, family or co-worker

• Manage your stress effectively and take care of yourself

• If you can’t control it, don’t worry about it – let it go

Managing Your Stress Effectively

Road Map

Awareness – Stress Symptoms

Acceptance – Stress Traps

Action – Communication, Time Management, & more

Coping – Stress Management Strategies

Stress: Truths and Myths

Stress is all around us

Stress can be positive or negative

Most people focus on the stress itself, rather than on managing it

A stress-free life is possible and preferable

Only unpleasant situations are stressful

Stress is bad - avoid it at all costs

Signs of Stress

Having trouble sleeping

Forgetting things

Anxious about not having enough time

Skipping meals, breaks, vacation time

Cutting others off before they finish

Fatigued

Preoccupied

Impatient/irritable

Easily frustrated/angry

Look tired, dark circles under the eyes

Lost sense of humor

Stress Symptoms

Physical

Cognitive

Emotional

Behavioral

Responding To Stress:The ABC Theory

Your body produces physical signals; then:

Your mind produces cognitive signals; then:

Your feelings give you emotional signals; then:

....you interact with others....

Perception Defines Experience

It’s not the event itself, but how you interpret and react to it that causes the feeling of stress and determines how stressed you feel.

Taking more control of each step is the name of the game

Transform Trigger Thoughts....

Automatic response to an event

Just the right reason to get upset

Great justification for stonewalling

....Into Coping Thoughts

The opposite of trigger thoughts

Reduces stress by changing your perception of the event

The goal is that this response become automatic

Consequences of aHigh-Stress Work Style

Inability to prioritize – can spend too much time on trivial details

Time urgency – feel overwhelmed, rush others around you

Accidents and mistakes occur

Burnout

Improving Your Ability to Handle Stress

Self-assurance Personal vision

Choose realistic and flexible goals

Get organized Proactive perspective

Anticipate changes, plan contingencies

Fine tune problem solving skills

Interpersonal competence Socially connected Balanced workload

Self-inventory: what helps you be resilient in times of stress?

Stress Reduction TechniquesThat Work

Something internal:- deep breathing- guided imagery- meditation- re-framing- recharging

- trigger thoughts to coping thoughts

Something external:

- aerobics, stretching

- running, jogging,

swimming, biking

- lifting weights

- expressive arts

Coping Strategies Manage your own reactions

Set goals and reward yourself

Build your support system

Manage your time and tasks, prioritize to-do lists

Identify and eliminate time wasters

Rationally detach, focus on things you can control or influence