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By The Way ● Cordelia Rhein

Copyright © 2017 by Cordelia Rhein

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www.cordeliarhein.wordpress.com

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By The Way ● Cordelia Rhein

“By the way, I feel bad. I never ask you how you are. …...That’s pretty selfish of me, isn’t it?”

No, it’s not. I don’t like it when people ask me how I am. I tend to lie anyway. Oh yeah,

I’m pretty ‘good’. Life’s a thunder storm and blizzard all in one, the true epitome of a fiery wrath of hell and ice, but yes, I’m ‘good’.

I’d much rather know how you are. You’re so sweet about it, and you’re always telling the truth. You always tell the truth. Always. Why is it so hard for me? When I know saying it would help me and help you, and perhaps, help us.

I think this while staring down at my text. The screen dims, then fades to black. I curse myself. I’ll have to type my passcode in again, and once I do, I might just give up on being truthful. The other side of me teases me for having no balls, but then again, I wasn’t born with any. And I don’t like them, either.

I tap my screen twice. The lock picture illuminates my memories of a by-gone European getaway. Most times I ignore my sentiments, but the scene looms when I want to procrastinate. I go to type in my code, but take too long and the screen fades. I tease myself about having no balls again.

My notification bell goes off. It’s another text.

“It is selfish! I can’t believe I asked! I just want you to know I’m sorry. I never wanted to make you feel left out.”

I stare at the message. Another appears.

“Friends is a mutual thing! God, Ash, I’m so sorry!!!”

Guilt floods my blood. My heart pumps with every tick of my bedroom clock. I took way too damn long to respond. Again.

I unlock my phone and tap the message bar. The keyboard pops up. My fingers hover over the letters, and I begin to type with fervor. I finish, proud of my work. Maybe I do have balls after all.

I look down. The text is a garbled mess with faulty autocorrect and combinations that not even the phone can make anything of. I swipe at the side of my mouth, lip gloss scattering stars on the side of my thumb.

I try again. This time something finally comes. I thank the heavens.

“It’s fine. There’s nothing selfish about you, Haley. Don’t think that. I like knowing what goes on in your life.”

I send it. Shivers coat my spine. Goosebumps prickle the skin on my arm. I wait for a reply. It doesn’t come immediately. I use Twitter to help pass the time, but refreshing over and over does nothing to calm my anxiety. Minutes pass. A reply comes in.

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By The Way ● Cordelia Rhein

“You’re too nice! Make me feel better. Tell me how you are today!” I look to my battery, hoping it would be close enough to dying to use it as an excuse not

to respond. It’s only at 75%. Dammit. I try being truthful. The message I send isn’t what I’d call being honest, but it’s

something. “I’m doing okay. I’d really like to try a joint right now, but it’s illegal, so I won’t even try.

Jail’s a fuckin waste of time.” The reply was almost immediate. “Lol! You got that right. It’ll be legal one day...once you move to Cali!” I laugh. She always knows the right things to say. She sends another message. “But really though….how are you? …...What’s on your mind?” I cringe harder than if I were seeing my old shitty fanfiction. She’s too good at seeing

through my BS. My thumbs go numb on the screen. “I said I’m fine! I’m thinking about joints.” “Yeah, but thinking about something you can’t get is a waste too. …...What is it really, Ash?” For some reason or another the urge to meet in person washed over me. “Can you come over? Do you have time? …...I don’t want to talk about it over text.” Another immediate reply. “Of course. I’ll be over in a min.”

I tidy up my room while waiting for her to arrive. I even straighten the blankets on the

couch in the living room, though I’m alone, and we both like hanging in our bedrooms anyway. I don’t know why that is. Young people like it better that way, I suppose.

The doorbell rings. My heart almosts takes off like a 747 Boeing. I shuffle over, a tiny smile faked on my face.

“Hey, Haley, come on in,” I greet her. She returns my smile.

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By The Way ● Cordelia Rhein

“Thanks for inviting me over!” Haley shrugs off her flats. I stare at them a moment, the hot pink color made them my favorite. Her toes catch my eye, pristine and painted to match her shoes. I suddenly wish I didn’t have to wear tube socks to cover the fact I’m too lazy to keep my toes pretty.

“We can hang in my bedroom, if you want.” “Fine with me.” I lead her to my bedroom, though she doesn’t need any leading. We sit on my bed, and I

turn on our favorite chill beat mix on Youtube. I lean up against the wall. Haley sits beside me. “Ash, you don’t need marijuana to be happy, you know,” she comments nonchalantly,

fiddling with the black hair band around her wrist. I’m taken aback. I sigh, trying not to dig myself in too deep a hole. “I know, it’s just

seems cool to try.” “Maybe. But there’s no guarantee it’ll make your life better.” “I don’t know what would make my life better, Haley,” I huff in agitation. “That’s why I

want a joint. I could get high and not have I think about anything.” Haley frowns. “By doing that you’ll be avoiding the problem,” she paused. “I think you

know what would make your life better. It could be in your subconscious. If you think about it long enough, maybe google some things, I’m sure you’d find it.”

“I already tried googling it. It didn’t help.” “Then you do know.” My breath hitches. I said too much. I couldn’t back away now. “I have an idea of what it

could be.” “That’s a start,” she smiles with encouragement. “Do you wanna talk about it?” I don’t speak. Haley shakes her head and presses on. “Come on, Ashlyn.” “I wanna date, Haley.” I cave, finally admitting what I’d been thinking. Her eyes flicker a moment before responding. “Okay. How do you wanna meet people?

You could try Tinder.” “I don’t want to waste time with that shit.” “It won’t be a waste if you find someone.” Frustration is peaking in my chest. “I don’t want to find someone!” “But you said you wanna date,” Haley’s brows furrow. “You could try a coffee shop or a

club or something” “No.” “Ash, if you don’t wanna try and date then you don’t wanna date.” An ad pops up on our video. I throw myself off the bed to tap skip on my laptop. I turn

around, irritation filtering through my voice. “That’s because I don’t-” I stop and calm down. A moment of silence passes. I try to get

my words out again. “Haley, are you still bi? Or did you find that it wasn’t you?” Sweat starts pooling under my

tank-top. I wish I hadn’t said anything at all. But, I knew I needed to say something at some point. Maybe now, after all this time, I’ll stop teasing myself.

Surprise flattens her face. Her eyes jump from side to side before she responds.

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By The Way ● Cordelia Rhein

“Yes, I’m bi,” Her voice goes soft. She’s got me figured out. “Is this why you don’t wanna date?”

“Yes.” “Ash-” “Look, I understand. You don’t see me that way. I never mentioned this, Haley. Never.”

Panic fills my legs. She’s about to walk out the door. She’s not coming back. “Ash, it’s not that,” Haley runs her fingers through her hair. “It’s just, we both got better

things to do.” Hurt is starting to shoot bullets into my soul. “Like what?” “Like school and internships, and graduating! You gotta get out there, Ash. You’re so

talented. You’ll go so far. I’m not gonna be the one to hold you down.” “So you would if we didn’t have better things to do?” Haley doesn’t respond right away. She taps her fingernails together. Hot pink. “I would,” She nods solemnly. “I would, Ashlyn.” I grow desperate. “Then try, Haley! What else is better than being together?” “Following your dreams!” She argues back with strain in her voice. “It’s not your lifelong

dream to date Haley Rodriguez. Being an animator is.” “Maybe I have the dream to find love!” “That has never been your lifelong dream. You always said you wanted to make movies

and you didn’t care what got in the fucking way.” “You wouldn’t be in the way,” Tear bubble my eyes. I swipe them away without trying to

hide it. “I’m not moving to California, Ash. You know my lifelong dream is to work on Wall Street.

I wouldn’t do well on the West Coast. It’s just not for me.” I stare at my socks. I start to count the lint there. Haley’s voice snatches me away from

my thoughts. “What about that internship? What did they say?” Tears fill my eyes again. “Yes,” My breath hitches. “They said yes.” Haley smiles slightly, but there’s a vague sadness in her eyes. “You should start packing

your bags then.” “Haley, why not try? We can Skype-” “Ashlyn…” She trails. Her tone transitions into persistence. “We’ve got better things to

do. I’ll always be your friend. You can Skype whenever you want. But that kind of distance isn’t right for a new relationship.”

“I want you.” “But you don’t need me. You’ll find someone else. Then you’ll call me up saying you

want them.” I sigh, wiping my tears. I nod, and push the hair that stuck to my face away. “We’ve got

better things to do.” Haley shrugs. “We do.” She rises off the bed. Her lips touch my cheek. They linger there for a while. When she

parts, gloss sinks into my pores. I blush.

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By The Way ● Cordelia Rhein

“You really think I’ll find someone?” I whisper. My self-confidence was tanking faster than I ever thought possible.

“I do,” Haley cards her fingers through my hair. “That person is out there for you. It’s just not me, babe.”

“Okay. I understand.” “The stars aren’t aligned for us. We’re both the same star sign,” She chuckles. “You did

good for trying. Always try, Ash. Always.” “I will. For you, Haley. For you.” “Good,” Haley shuffles towards the door. “I’ll give you some time to pack. Call me when

you need a ride to the airport.” “Will do.” “I do love you, Ashlyn Lewis. I’ll be rooting for you.” “I love you too, Haley Rodriguez.” Haley nods with a smile. She takes her keys out of her yoga pants. “I want to see your

name in the credits of the next animated movie I take my nephew to go see. I’ll make him sit through tall he credits, I don’t care how much he whines.”

“Thank you,” I try not to let my emotions show. It never works. I walk with her to the door. She opens it and steps out. “Text or call,” Haley comments, unlocking the door to her car. “Okay,” I stall before continuing. “By the way, I feel bad. I didn’t mean to put you in a

bad spot. I’m sorry.” “Don’t be sorry. I asked how you are and you told me the truth. I’m proud of you.” She gets in her car and pulls out of my driveway with a wave. I wave back. I thought it

would be an empty wave, but it isn’t. In this moment I feel like total shit, but in the future, I might just think she did the greatest thing she could’ve ever done for me.

She loves me enough to let me go.

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