Things were moving awfully slow on the ship.

Adam was so frustrated with sea daysHe pretended to put his fist through the wall.

I was so bored, I started having conversations with the other people on the ship.

We did have a lot of laundry to do, though.We were lucky the ship gave us a washer...

And a dryer.

So we got off the boat and went through the terminal...

And Wow! Egypt actually looked kind of pretty.

I was actually expecting a hell hole due to the stories I’d heard.

Oh wait! I spoke to soon.

Still, I’d never seen anything like it.I felt like I was in a theme park!

Adam and I came in through the port of Alexandria.

Our plan was to take a train to Cairo, stay there a night, then get back to Alexandria in time to board the boat.

While trying to get to the train station, we got harassed by a cab driver named Emir.

He made us take pictures with him to prove he “wasn’t going to kill us.” Then he followed us for 30 minutes.

Egypt’s street were very hectic.

No Lanes

No Crosswalks

No Stop Signs

No Traffic Lights

Reckless Disregard

for Pedestrians

Car crashes are very common in Egypt. I only saw one.

Adam and I realized we had no Egyptian money,so before we went to the train station...

We stopped at the cleanest place in Alexandria: the Bank!We gave them 100 dollars and got back 500 pounds.

Then I caved and we took a cab to the station.

It was pretty frightening, since the guy drove like I do when I play Grand Theft Auto on my Xbox 360.

Our cabbie couldn’t speak any English, but he got us to where we needed to go.

The Misr Train Station, Alexandria’s Premier Railway!

Yikes.

It took a while for Adam and I to find out where we could buy tickets, but we did it.

Compared to everything else in Egypt, the place was pretty organized. Maybe because it’s run by the government.

Do Egyptian railways have a better or worse reputation than Amtrak?

Everything in Cairo looked just like it did in Alexandria,only more crowded.

We arrived just in time for afternoon prayer.

I stopped at the restroom. It cost me one Egyptian pound to get in. Everyone was washing their hands before prayer.

The traffic was even worse in Cairo than it was in Alexandria.

It’s the most intimidating city I’ve ever been in.

Adam considered stopping here for sugar cane juice,but he eventually decided it wouldn’t be clean enough.

Merchants are EVERYWHERE in Cairo. It seemed likeI could stretch my arms out at any time and hit one.

This is Mooti. He pushed Adam and myself into a mini-bus and promised to lead us to the pyramids in Giza.

Then Mooti dragged us into a kind-of motorized Rickshaw.He promised he’d treat us well because he was “a Bedouin.”

“Cairo is the greatest city on Earth,” he said. “I am a Muslim, and I want to give you a good time.”

“I will treat you to dinner. You can meet my wife and kids.”

What are the odds that we’d meet such a nice person within moments of stepping into this city of 6 million?

“See?” Mooti cried. “There are the pyramids! You can trust me!”

Eventually we stopped off near an opening in the wall, and Mooti even paid the driver for us!

Mooti introduced us to his friend Mohammed,and Mohammed gave us tea.

We paid him the money and rode through the opening in the wall.

Mohammed sent a guide with us.He was not very enthusiastic about his job.

I can imagine how riding through a wasteland day after day is not the most inspiring career path.

I was unsure about whether or not we’d get to the Pyramids,but I did know one thing: we wouldn’t eat with Mooti later.

Just like Turkey and Greece, there are a lot of strays at Giza.I assume they were there to protect all of that nothing.

My thoughts: “Is our tour guide going to kill us and rob us, or just rob us? I prefer the latter.”

My paranoia wasn’t completely warranted, though,because we eventually found the pyramids.

Do you see only one pair of footprints in the sand? It’s because G_d was carrying me. Also, He’s a horse.

“Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!”- Milli Vanilli, 1989

The first pyramid we saw was the Pyramid of Khafre,the second largest of the Giza Pyramids.

The Pyramid of Khufu came into sight soon after(It’s on the left).

Adam and I took this great opportunity to make Facebook profile pictures.

Then Adam violently assaulted me while our horses performed a Vulcan mind-meld.

In total, there are three pyramids in the Giza Necropolis.

The Pyramid of Khufu is the most famous. It’s the largest,and it’s one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

For those just joining us, this is a product of Photoshop. In real life, I’m morbidly obese and have a cleft nose.

I saw many archaeological tents set up, but no one was working.

There’s a cemetery next to the pyramids, which is probably an awesome place to be buried.

Our tour guide told us the fence came up recently.Visitors kept ransacking the graves.

This is Adam and our tour guide snorting crank off of a mobile phone.(Jokes. No lawsuits)

“Why the long face, horse?”“I ride many miles every day across rocks in 90 degree weather.”“Oh.”

Eventually our tour guide stopped, gave us a torn ticket to the Sphinx, and told us to go ahead. He did not come with us.

Although no one’s really sure, some experts saythe Sphinx was built in 2,500 B.C. by the pharaoh Khafre.

There were more non-Egyptians on the path to the Sphinx than I saw in my entire stay in Egypt.

The platform next to the Sphinx was teeming with merchants.We saw a cop pull two pre-teen ones out by the ears.

The Sphinx is 241 feet long and 66 feet tall.

It lost its nose after French soldiers fired cannonballs at it.

It’s not that unfortunate. After all,No nose is good nose.

Frankly, I thought the Sphinx was overrated.Who cares about a cat dude? Only furries, and they suck.

I asked someone else what it cost them to get into the Sphinx, and they said 30 pounds. Still, we had an adventure.

I conferred with Adam, and we decided where we should go next.

We wanted to go to the Great Pyramid of Khofu.

It had a museum embedded into it!

Our tour guide did not want to go that way, though.

When we got back to him, he was paying off police.I still don’t know why.

The road we took was super bumpy, and I felt bad for my horse.

Close up, the pyramids were not what I expected to see.

They really were just junky, dilapidated piles of rocks.

The Khafre pyramid appears to be larger than the Khofu onebut it’s simply on a higher base. Also, it’s got a pointier tip.

We saw what I would guess were the Egyptian boy scouts on the path to the Khafre pyramid. I was not prepared for that.

There was an equal amount of riders on horseback and on… camelback.

Adam and I did not climb the Khafre pyramid.

Instead, we got onto the smallest one,the Pyramid of Menkaure.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty,

I get the sensation of standing on top a pile

of old rocks!

When we got pack to our tour guide, he was paying off policemen again.

It was getting dark, so Adam and I decided it was time to leave.

After tipping our tour guide (at his insistence), we said goodbye to the miracles of Giza...

And tried to find a taxi so we could get to our hostel.

We had trouble finding one. Everyone was going too fast!

“If your truck has 20 men in it and you’re going 55 miles per hour, you might be Egyptian.”

There are no dumps or dumpsters in Cairo. Citizens use parking lots and open land to deposit their trash.

Eventually Adam and I caught a cab to a better part of town.

Once there, we got a meal. I don’t know what this was, but it tasted incredibly adequate.

We still weren’t near our hostel,so we walked around town trying to find another cab.

We finally got one. He didn’t know English.His only language was SPEED.

I got the senseEgyptians watch too many Vin Diesel movies.

I was very scared.

The cabbie dropped us off in a pretty urbane section of Cairo.

Our hostel was the Jasmine Inn.

We had to walk through a shady alleyway to find it,But it was pretty good.

In the morning, they gave us a breakfast of oranges, eggs, and tea!

The city looked much different during the day than at night.

There were more mosques there than any other place I’ve ever been in my life.

Though we had to take the train back to Alexandria, Adam and I went to the Khan el-Khalili Market before heading out.

The Khan el-Halili is one of Egypt’s biggest bazaars.

Everything sold there is overpriced crap, but haggling is allowed and even expected.

This man is upset because he wanted to sell me “pure silver” ankhs for 200 Pounds, but I worked him down to 80.

Anything you pay is probably way more than an item is worth. It takes five and a half pounds to equal a dollar, though.

Adam bought a whole sack full of items, including an Egyptian cloak for his brother and jewelry for his sister.

Unlike the Turkish market, every vendor “specializes” in what they sell.

We could have spent all day there, but we had only 5 hours to get back to the ship, and it was in a city 3 hours away.

Adam and I quickly walked out of the other end of the market and hailed a cab.

I bought batteries from a beggar as I entered the vehicle.The brand was “Golden Cock.” They did not work.

Our cabbie masterfully navigated us through Cairo at a reasonable speed.

Perhaps he was going slower due to the lunchtime traffic.

Unfortunately, by the time we got to the station, we found out that our only train into the city was “broken.”

Desperate, Adam and I jumped into a mini-bus to Alexandria.

Eleven other men joined us.

The ride to Alexandria took about four hours.

We saw many great sights along the way.

Here is what I assume is the Egyptian equivalent of Truck Nuts.

The checkpoint into Alexandria was extremely gimmicky.

Once inside of Alexandria, we were hit by a weak sandstorm.

This storm did not hide the city’s charms, however.

After the mini-bus stopped, a man named Magdy Said offered to lead us back. “I am a Christian,” he said. “Trust me.”

And he led us back!He also offered to buy us tea, but we declined. Nice guy!

The port had a market, which gave us one last opportunity to play with our monopoly money.

Once I got onto my bed, I thanked the Lord that I got out of Egypt alive.