04/12/23

Working Working Cooperatively With Cooperatively With Difficult Parents : Difficult Parents :

What the Best What the Best Teachers Do Teachers Do

Dr. Douglas J. FioreDr. Douglas J. Fiore

dougfiore@inbox.comdougfiore@inbox.com

04/12/23

What’s Wrong with What’s Wrong with Parents Today?Parents Today?

We know the problems; now We know the problems; now let’s discover the solutions.let’s discover the solutions.

04/12/23

The Power of ParadigmsThe Power of Paradigms

A “paradigm shift” occurs when we A “paradigm shift” occurs when we begin to understand something in a begin to understand something in a whole new light. It’s like seeing with whole new light. It’s like seeing with new eyes.new eyes.

Behavior changes are short-lived. Behavior changes are short-lived. Paradigm changes last forever.Paradigm changes last forever.

04/12/23

Family ConfigurationsFamily Configurations

In 1940, fewer than 9% of all women In 1940, fewer than 9% of all women with children worked outside the with children worked outside the home.home.

Recently, the Bureau of Labor Recently, the Bureau of Labor

Statistics reported that 82% of Statistics reported that 82% of women with children between the women with children between the ages of 6 and 16 were in the labor ages of 6 and 16 were in the labor force. force.

04/12/23

Family ConfigurationsFamily Configurations Of the 71,677,000 Of the 71,677,000

children under the children under the age of 18 living in age of 18 living in U.S. households in U.S. households in 2003, 17,634,000 or 2003, 17,634,000 or 24.6 % were living 24.6 % were living with only their with only their mother (U.S. Bureau mother (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2004). of the Census, 2004).

04/12/23

Family ConfigurationsFamily Configurations

Children from fatherless homes Children from fatherless homes have been found to be less have been found to be less productive in school.productive in school.

In addition:In addition:

04/12/23

Family ConfigurationsFamily Configurations Girls who have positive paternal Girls who have positive paternal

involvement are three times less involvement are three times less likely to become teenage mothers.likely to become teenage mothers.

Boys with involved dads are less Boys with involved dads are less likely to grow up unemployed, likely to grow up unemployed, incarcerated, or uninvolved with incarcerated, or uninvolved with their own children.their own children.

Kids with involved dads are less Kids with involved dads are less likely to drop out of high school.likely to drop out of high school.

04/12/23

Family ConfigurationsFamily Configurations

The U.S. Bureau of the Census The U.S. Bureau of the Census (2004) reports that 5.6% of U.S. (2004) reports that 5.6% of U.S. children under the age of 18 are children under the age of 18 are living with their grandparents. living with their grandparents. 36% of these children have no 36% of these children have no parents present in this household. parents present in this household. These 1,417,000 children have only These 1,417,000 children have only their grandparents to rely on for their grandparents to rely on for care. care.

04/12/23

Family WealthFamily Wealth

In 2000, 14.8 million American In 2000, 14.8 million American children under the age of 18 lived in children under the age of 18 lived in poverty (U.S. Bureau of the Census, poverty (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2004). 2004).

41 percent of children in families 41 percent of children in families with a female head of the household with a female head of the household and no husband present live in and no husband present live in poverty.poverty.

04/12/23

Family WealthFamily Wealth

Children are, by most accounts, Children are, by most accounts, among the fastest growing segments among the fastest growing segments of the homeless population. Families of the homeless population. Families with children constitute approximately with children constitute approximately 40% of people who become homeless 40% of people who become homeless (Shinn and Weitzman, 1996). (Shinn and Weitzman, 1996).

In 2002, approximately 645,336 In 2002, approximately 645,336 school-aged children were homeless. school-aged children were homeless.

04/12/23

Books Purchased by Books Purchased by ParentsParents

How Parents Can Save America’s How Parents Can Save America’s Failing SchoolsFailing Schools by G.E. Pierce, 2002 by G.E. Pierce, 2002

In The Name of Excellence: The In The Name of Excellence: The Struggle to Reform the Nation’s Struggle to Reform the Nation’s Schools, Why It’s Failing, What Schools, Why It’s Failing, What Should be DoneShould be Done by T. Toch, 1991 by T. Toch, 1991

Failing Schools: The Cause and the Failing Schools: The Cause and the CureCure by D.M. Deeb, 1998. by D.M. Deeb, 1998.

04/12/23

Books Purchased by Books Purchased by ParentsParents

The Learning Gap: Why Our Schools The Learning Gap: Why Our Schools Are Failing and What We Can Learn Are Failing and What We Can Learn From Japanese and Chinese From Japanese and Chinese EducationEducation by H.W. Stevenson, 1994. by H.W. Stevenson, 1994.

Angry Parents, Failing Schools: Angry Parents, Failing Schools: What’s Wrong With the Public What’s Wrong With the Public Schools and What You Can Do About Schools and What You Can Do About ItIt by E.K. McEwan, 2000 by E.K. McEwan, 2000

04/12/23

And My Personal And My Personal Favorite…Favorite…

Bad Teachers: The Bad Teachers: The Essential Guide for Essential Guide for

Concerned ParentsConcerned Parents by by G. Strickland, 1998G. Strickland, 1998

04/12/23

Why Must We Deal With Why Must We Deal With Difficult ParentsDifficult Parents

As school professionals, we are all As school professionals, we are all “teachers.” It is up to us to help “teachers.” It is up to us to help struggling parents become even struggling parents become even better.better.

““If I accept you as you are, I will If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however if I treat make you worse; however if I treat you as though you are what you are you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you capable of becoming, I help you become that.” - Johann Wolfgang become that.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethevon Goethe

04/12/23

Why Must We Deal With Why Must We Deal With Difficult ParentsDifficult Parents

““If a child sees his parents day in and If a child sees his parents day in and day out behaving with self-discipline, day out behaving with self-discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will come their own lives, then the child will come to feel in the deepest fibers of his being to feel in the deepest fibers of his being that this is the way to live. If a child that this is the way to live. If a child sees his parents day in and day out sees his parents day in and day out living without self-restraint or self-living without self-restraint or self-discipline, then he will come in the discipline, then he will come in the deepest fibers of being to believe that deepest fibers of being to believe that that is the way to live.” –M. Scott Peckthat is the way to live.” –M. Scott Peck

04/12/23

Whose Expectations Whose Expectations Matter?Matter?

The Best Teachers Expect A lot The Best Teachers Expect A lot From ThemselvesFrom Themselves

It’s Easy To Have High Expectations It’s Easy To Have High Expectations For StudentsFor Students

04/12/23

Mindsets for Working Mindsets for Working with Parentswith Parents

90+% of parents do a good job raising 90+% of parents do a good job raising their children and supporting school.their children and supporting school.

100% of parents do the best job they 100% of parents do the best job they know how to do.know how to do.

These are the best parents our students These are the best parents our students have.have.

The students that come to our schools The students that come to our schools are the best children the parents have.are the best children the parents have.

04/12/23

Dealing with Difficult Dealing with Difficult ParentsParents

Never argue, yell, use sarcasm, Never argue, yell, use sarcasm, or behave unprofessionally with or behave unprofessionally with parents.parents.

The key word in that sentence The key word in that sentence isis

NEVERNEVER

04/12/23

Why?Why?

There needs to be one adult, and the There needs to be one adult, and the only person you can count on is you.only person you can count on is you.

Difficult people have more practice Difficult people have more practice arguing.arguing.

Core Belief- Never argue with an Core Belief- Never argue with an idiot!idiot!

We Control How Many Arguments We Control How Many Arguments We Get InWe Get In

04/12/23

Do Parents Feel Do Parents Feel Welcome?Welcome?

If we want If we want guests to be guests to be happy and happy and agreeable, agreeable, then we need then we need to make them to make them feel welcome.feel welcome.

04/12/23

How Do We Do This?How Do We Do This?

Friendly greeting at the Friendly greeting at the doorway!doorway!

Which is better: Which is better:

““All visitors must sign-All visitors must sign-in at the office.”in at the office.”

OROR

04/12/23

How Do We Do This?How Do We Do This?

Welcome to our school! Welcome to our school! We’re so glad you’re We’re so glad you’re here. We do require all here. We do require all visitors to check in at the visitors to check in at the office before proceeding office before proceeding to other areas of the to other areas of the school.school.

04/12/23

Building CredibilityBuilding Credibility

Everybody Wants to Associate Everybody Wants to Associate With a Winner.With a Winner.

04/12/23

Building CredibilityBuilding Credibility

Perception is RealityPerception is Reality We might care deeply about our We might care deeply about our

students and we may value the students and we may value the involvement of their parents.involvement of their parents.

However, what’s important is However, what’s important is whether or not we make others whether or not we make others feelfeel as if we do. as if we do.

04/12/23

Communication is the Communication is the KeyKey

Regardless of what we think of Regardless of what we think of the parent, we must communicate the parent, we must communicate regularly and purposefully.regularly and purposefully.

We must We must always always remain pleasant, remain pleasant, positive, and professional.positive, and professional.

04/12/23

The Telephone Is Your The Telephone Is Your Best Friend Unless It’s Best Friend Unless It’s

RingingRinging Positive Positive

Telephone Calls Telephone Calls Build CredibilityBuild Credibility

Call The Parent Call The Parent At WorkAt Work

If Both Work, If Both Work, Call the Busiest Call the Busiest OfficeOffice

04/12/23

What If They Tell Us What If They Tell Us Not To Call Them At Not To Call Them At

Work?Work? With cooperative parents, we With cooperative parents, we

should always try to comply.should always try to comply.

With our most difficult With our most difficult parents and students, calling parents and students, calling them at work may be the only them at work may be the only way to get their attention.way to get their attention.

04/12/23

Burn Me Once…..Burn Me Once…..

If you call a parent and the next If you call a parent and the next day the other parent calls to day the other parent calls to argue…….argue…….

Call that parent FIRST next time.Call that parent FIRST next time. It’s better to deal with a difficult It’s better to deal with a difficult

parent on your own initiative.parent on your own initiative.

04/12/23

The Power of the Car The Power of the Car SalesmanSalesman

Everybody wants a good deal.Everybody wants a good deal.

More importantly, people like to More importantly, people like to feel that they’ve gotten a good feel that they’ve gotten a good deal.deal.

Car Salespeople make us feel Car Salespeople make us feel like they’re on our side.like they’re on our side.

04/12/23

The Power of the Car The Power of the Car SalesmanSalesman

04/12/23

The Best Way to Get in The Best Way to Get in the Last Wordthe Last Word

The best way to get in the last word is The best way to get in the last word is toto

APOLOGIZE.APOLOGIZE.

04/12/23

How?How? Say, Say, “I’m sorry that happened.”“I’m sorry that happened.” You’re admitting no guilt.You’re admitting no guilt. You’re still supporting the school You’re still supporting the school

staff.staff. Under your breath you can say,Under your breath you can say, ““Otherwise, I wouldn’t have to Otherwise, I wouldn’t have to

be speaking with you about be speaking with you about this!”this!”

04/12/23

An Ear, Not an AnswerAn Ear, Not an Answer Oftentimes, Oftentimes,

difficult parents difficult parents just need an just need an opportunity to opportunity to vent. A caring face vent. A caring face and a listening ear and a listening ear can lessen the can lessen the severity of another severity of another person’s anger.person’s anger.

04/12/23

What If They’re Rude?What If They’re Rude?

We never tell an angry person We never tell an angry person what to do.what to do.

04/12/23

What If They’re Rude?What If They’re Rude?

Say, Say, “Please don’t talk to me like “Please don’t talk to me like that.”that.”

““I would never talk to you like I would never talk to you like that.”that.”

““And, I would never talk to your And, I would never talk to your child like that.”child like that.”

““Nobody in this school would ever Nobody in this school would ever talk to you or your child like talk to you or your child like that.”that.”

04/12/23

Focus on the FutureFocus on the Future

Oftentimes, difficult parents Oftentimes, difficult parents want to argue about a want to argue about a situation that we know very situation that we know very little about.little about.

In these cases, we must In these cases, we must always focus on the future. always focus on the future.

04/12/23

Focus on the FutureFocus on the Future

Example: “Mr. Johnson, Example: “Mr. Johnson, unfortunately neither one of unfortunately neither one of us saw what happened on the us saw what happened on the bus. Let’s work together to bus. Let’s work together to be sure that a situation like be sure that a situation like this one doesn’t happen in this one doesn’t happen in the future.”the future.”

04/12/23

Dealing With Difficult Dealing With Difficult ParentsParents

All school staff All school staff members must members must have these skills.have these skills.

If there are some If there are some staff members staff members who don’t, then who don’t, then YOU really need YOU really need to.to.

04/12/23

Working Cooperatively Working Cooperatively With Difficult Parents : With Difficult Parents :

What the Best Teachers DoWhat the Best Teachers Do

Dr. Douglas J. FioreDr. Douglas J. Fiore doug@dougfiore.com; 804-200-doug@dougfiore.com; 804-200-

37723772