What Do You Do if You Have a Narcissi

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Answers.com > Wiki Answers > Categories > Health > Mental Health > Narcissism > What do youdo if you have a narcissistic sibling?

What do you do if you have a narcissisticsibling?In: Narcissism , Manners and Etiquette , Siblings [Edit categories ]

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My experience with NPD's (extensive toxic family) is that boundaries seem to be a fluid thing forthem. Going no contact on your part does not necessarily stop them from contacting you. Sometimesit just fuels a narcissistic rage. They have no capacity for introspection so will never recognize,understand or change their behavior. Fortunately, they are also unable to develop new methods of inflicting abuse. They are predictable. So once you define their methods-gaslighting, passive-aggression, etc, you are more capable of defending yourself against the onslaught. One of my mosthelpful responses-used sparingly-is "how unfortunate for you". Confrontation is never effective, it's

Page 1 of 18What do you do if you have a narcissistic sibling

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like asking a blind man to see. But there really is no response to the "unfortunate" statement. And inresponse to "you can't change them you can only change yourself" why? You don't need to changeyourself, just your reaction to their abuse.I think getting into therapy would help all of us. It did me. I went when I was suffering depression.After awhile, my therapist said that I had all the symptoms of an abuse victim. In my case siblingabuse. When I went into detail about my twin and I, all the patterns came out and she shared w/ methat she suspected that my twin had NPD and possibly other issues. She helped me to see how I wasalso acting in response to her in unhealthy patterns. You can't change the narcissist but you canchange yourself. My motivation was the satisfaction I got when she finally realized I was not going toparticipate w/ her games. I took my ball and I went home! Ta Da!!! I now love her from afar and amsoooo much happier. I also never discuss her w/ my mom who is one of her enablers. I once asked mytherapist if she treated many narcists. Her reply was; "Sadly no, they don't think they need help, I justtreat their victims".

Older twin 2/18/11

I can empathise with all I have read below and feel incredibly relieved that I have found others thathave same problems with a narcissistic sibling. My sister's behaviour has got worse over the years,

she's in her late 40's now, and will probably deteriorate in my view. She is extremely sensitive topersonal criticism and I have learnt to bite my tongue and distance myself from her over the years.Since early childhood, my mother's answer has always been "don't upset your sister" and I was alwaysthe one told to make up with your sister first. Before I understood the term NPD, I always feltresentful of tip toeing around her, thinking that my mother doesn't care how I feel.

I can understand why my mum has this attitude since when I have asserted myself against my sister,she misinterprets what I say and goes on the wild attack verbally and doesn't stop at that. She willcontinue for days and weeks after, leaving me hurtful text and answer phone messages and writepages and pages of sadistic and humiliating words in emails or letters. It's as if everything I haveconfided in her she twists in her head and throws it back at me, saying that I have mental health issuesis her favourite phrase. She's contacted my husband and friends twisting personal things about mewhich she's stored up in her fantasy mind.

Early on in my relationship with my now husband, I spoke with him about my family history. Myeldest sister is Bi-Polar and what with this sister having NPD, I felt I ought to let him know about theups and downs these disorders will have upon me and us in our relationship. He is very level headedand has taught me to keep my distance from both of them.

In all I feel incredibly sad that I do not have a close relationship with either of my sisters. We were allsexually abused by a relative as very small children and neglected emotionally by our parents. Butwhat keeps me feeling OK about all of this is that I turned out to be a relatively normal, responsible,caring and able to love adult. And no matter how much I want it, I cannot change the way my sisters

are.

More input

I cannot believe I found this site tonight. I am struggling with years of sibling rivalry with myyounger sister and suffering forever it seems. All my friends and even former boyfriends (some of whom were abusive themselves) have told me to stop expecting my sister to act "kind" or nice orunderstanding or unconditonally loving. It won't happen. I'm 58 and still suffering her verbal abuse(she denies it), her way of being 'right' all the time without a doubt in her mind, and her alternately





'loving ' vs. 'critical' ways that drive me crazy. SHe's self centered, has no real close friends as I do,but she has always had a husband and 2 kids, her trump cards. Whenever we've argue I have always,without exception, been the one to make the phone call to reconnect. When my Mom was alive shewould tell m ysister that she was 'the good daughter' and I was the one she worried about (andtherefore ruined herlife). My sister has taken up the cause, tellng me how much my former abusiverelationship upset her: she smoked all night couldn't sleep, worried etc... But she never ever flew tothe State I was living in at the time (we now live 1 mi from ea other) to help me, save me or protectme. She offered to pay a friend of mine to wathc over me. Her excuse is that she had 2 little kids athome. But her husband and neighbors could've helped out. I was in terrible shape, physically andemotionally and no one in my family 'got it'. It turned into 'all about them' instead of about me....Ihave picked abusive, neglectful or dismissive men all of my life. I have been married once, briefly, avery long time ago, of course to a difficult and abusive guy. M ysister has kept lists all our lives of allmy 'transgressions'. She even wrote about it once in a short book she tried to publish .She portrayedme as a lost soul who drove my parents crazy. More guilt. She is overly private, totally narcissisticI've just come to realize, and selfish, even though she seeks herself as generous. Money doesn't healverbal and emotional wounds of a lifetime. I feel like I'm going crazy tonight and this week. It's theJewish holidays and she didn't even call me .Remember, we only live 1 mile apart.She's gettingdivorced after 33 yrs which is her decision and I support it because I think her husband is just

so ....well, I can't describe it. Not abusive at all, just self centered and bossy and has no friends, etc. Agood father though. ANyway, she is into herself now and she has always live thru mevicariously......as if all my love affairs and boyfriends etc are now hers to claim and 'catch up with'. Ifind her copying my words and expressions, favorite colors, hobbies, etc. She will never admit thisbut it is so obvious to me . I tmakes me feel stripped and robbed of everything I am. She is jealous andangry at me. and has been forever . But if you asked her she would cry and say "I love my sister andshe never appreciates me'. I am glad I found this site. I have alot of work to do on myself to learn howseparate better from her as I find I'm always drawn back, putting up with her abusive comments asyou do from an abusive spouse..........because if they're awful only 80% of the time you count on theother 20% and hope it lasts.....plus we are only 2 sisters with no other siblings, a Dad who loves us butis devoted only to our stepmother...and I always think we should be as close as can be. SOmetimes weare, but then it always always falls apart. She is never ever ever there when I need her, but shebelieves she is. My friends confirm that that's not true and that I should make my friends my 'familyof choice". I am trying. I am grateful for my friends but many live far away in other states at thispoint. My sister is always trying to 'catch me' in a mistake or something I've not done well orforgotten...it's her big "aha moment)...she competes with me and I"ll never know why. My life hasbeen diverse and difficult, and she's the one who always always had money, family and stability. She'scontrolling, difficult, critical, jealous, etc. but will never admit it. She once told her kids: "I was thegood one, a perfect child and I never ever did anything wrong". Sure, except lie and manipulate andpretend to be oh-so quiet and sensitive and private. Really she was biding her time to leech onto myfriends, my life, my interest and my very being. I am sad but glad to know that I am not the onlyperson on earth going thru this. Thank you.

AnswerI think you keep your expectations low. You can have fun with a narcissistic sibling, but you can't domuch disagreeing with him or her, so you can't expect to achieve real closeness. Someone who cutsyou off or jumps down your throat when you so much as raise an eyebrow is someone you have a one-dimensional relationship with, and since it's you who are in his/her world, you had better hope it's atleast entertaining. Draw your boundaries fiercely and demand reasonable treatment as soon as you areable. The sibling will probably understand this and respect you for it eventually, though he/she will beshocked at first. After that, the going is easier.





Answer

I have a narcissistic sister. She has preyed upon my emotions all my life. I was the easy target forblame if anything went wrong for her. I wanted a sisterly connection for years but now see no matterwhat I do it will never happen. I look back at our childhood and now see why she had to put me downto lift herself up. She was older than me by 4 years so it was easy for her because you naturaly want to

look up to your sister. She has caused me much pain in my relationships with boyfriends and ahusband. She had a need to be sexually desired by all men, and yes she had sex with the boyfriendsand the husband. She is now sexualy competitve with her 13 year old daughter. Her daughter is aperfectly normal and loving child. Thankfully she is out of the home now and is being protected fromthe rage and alternating abject neglect or my sister basking in her daughters achevements like theywere her own. She still dosent have a clue about her behavior why CPS took her daughter. I look ather now with pity----from a distance. They will never change so we have to change our reactions tothem.

Answer

Narcissists are narcissists, whatever their role in your life -- mother, father, spouse, son, sibling,neighbor, colleague, or boss. They are so homogeneous and predictable -- that the advice referred tobelow applies to all of them.First, you have to decide if you want to stay in touch, however minimal, or if you are ready todisconnect.

Answer

I received an new in-law w/ NPD, despite trying to warn my brother- which incidentally was theslight that is causing my new sister in-law to stalk the you know what out of me.I haven't talked to her since the marriage a year ago. Unfortunate for the family as others do notinteract w/ her as well, however I've noticed most of the clinical experts would agree that steeringclear as much as possible is the best scenario.

Answer

I had to cut my sister off because I couldn't handle her verbal abuse anymore. I read that cutting off issomething that narcissist does to people. She left me no choice. My only choices were to remain in anabusive relationship where I am not allowed to defend myself (I tried) and then I was in pain or to getout and leave the family. I doubt she is in pain but thinks she "won". There were times when shemisinterpreted what I said and she perceived an attack on her. She then screamed and raged at me.She also told me what I was thinking and she was always way off. I got tired of her trying to be apuppet master to me and going so far as to tell me how I felt and thought, and telling others how I feltand thought. She said to me, "oh you always think you are so smart." I have low self esteem and Ihave never thought I was smart. Everyone at work tells me I sell myself short and don't toot my ownhorn enough and I should be proud and brag about my accomplishments more. Then she said,"remember how you always thought you were so pretty." I thought, "huh? I never thought I waspretty. I was a tomboy and into sports. I look back at my pictures and yuk! I also am very camera shyto this day. She's the one that stood in front of the mirror all day putting on make up and practicedsmiling to herself." I felt so gaslighted. I tried to nicely tell her that is not what I was thinking. I wouldsay, "I always felt like I never dressed up enough or took pride in my appearance." She'd scream and





rage, "ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF LYING." She was denying my reality to me. After a while, Istarted to doubt my own perceptions and memories. I tried to mend, fix, tolerate, but I couldn't handleit anymore. I cut off all contact. Then I read that narcissist abandon people, cut them off. I think thedifference is that narcissist use people like locusts and move on leaving a person feeling used or in asham relationship, whereas others have to cut off for reasons of self protection or to keep thenarcissist from driving them nuts. Narcissist are also vindictive for no reason at all, for perceivedthreats. The more you talk to them the more they find reasons to attack you. Almost sadistic. Whenshe started telling me what I was interested in, I said, "out of here." I am not a real person to heranyway, but a made up character in her head. I don't even think she noticed I'm not there anymore.

Answer

I have a narsisstic sister and for as many years as I can remember I have allowed myself to bemanipulated and made to feel guilty by her. Do I love her? Of course, but I realize to stay emotionallyhealthy myself, I must distance myself from her antics. I have been put down, verbally attacked,cussed out, financially manipulated and used for more years than I can count. My sister has a way of always making herself a victim of the very people she is victimizing. She has no ability to be able toconsider anyone's feelings except her own in any and in every situation.I lost my mother this past year and she even made my mother's death all about her. I went to thehospital to be with my mother during a surgery and my sister told me she knew I was really there forher, I told her gently but firmly, "No, I am here for mother. You are not having surgery." I finally took all I could take and made the decision that no matter how hard it was for me to be strong, I refused toallow myself to be manipulated anymore by her. I explained to her our relationship was in precariousterritory and I was trying to salvage what I could but if she did not back off, there would be nothingleft to salvage.Has it been hard? Sure, it has, but it is not fair to me or to her for me to continue to allow her to useand exploit me. She has the attitude that she can do or say anything, no matter how hurtful and Ishould just accept it because that is just how she is and she cannot help it. She says that after all, she ismy sister and I know she loves me. Do I? I used to think she loved me because I love her so much, but

I now realize we are not all capable of loving other people. I mean, my mother always told me sheloved me too, and all I remember about my childhood is horrible abuse.I guess I am just emotionally exhausted and tired of all the drama. The strong link that kept my sisterand me communicating was the health of my mother. Now, that mother is gone, I find myself wondering what the point is, in trying to cultivate a relationship that has seen so much damage it maynot be worth the effort.My sister is jealous of my relationship with my husband and with my children and now mygrandchild. She continually tells me how lucky I am that I got into a good marraige at a young agebecause I did not endure the abuse she did in her relationships. You see, again it is about her. I toldher I am not lucky, I made good choices and she did not. I will not feel guilty for having a husbandthat loves me and children that are wonderful human beings and productive members of society.It is always about trying to make me feel guilty because she has had some terrible marraiges and shedoes not have a relationship like I do with my children. Her children love her but they carry emotionaland physical scars from their own childhoods. I am sure, that is my fault too.My point is this, as much as I love her, and I do very much, I am not willing to allow her to destroyme. My husband and my children need me and I have done nothing to put my sister in the emotionalplace she is in.I do not think self preservation is a bad thing. I remember that as a young child, my mother told me if she knew then what she knew now, she would have never had me. Yes, I think my mother wasnarsisstic and apparently my sister is following in her footsteps. As much as I loved my mother, Iknew every time she attempted one of her head games with me and I can see clearly every time my





sister lies to me.I have chosen to love her from a distance and pray for her. I know with every fiber of my being that if my mother had been able to, she would have taken everything from me and given it to my sister. Myhusband, my children, my home, everything I have and those that I love most would be ripped awayfrom me if my mother had that kind of power. In dealing with both of the closest women to me in mylifetime, I realize I was and am nothing but a vehicle to do for them what they think I owe them. If Ihad nothing, I do not think it would faze trhem and if I were starving in the street, I think they wouldgo in the opposite direction. My existence, I think in their opinion, is all about what I can do for them.

Answer

Both my mother and my older sister have all the hallmarks of narcissism, both always wantingattention and determined to have their own way. They are like two peas in a pod, they cannot bear tobe criticised and always want other people to agree with them. If I dare say anything they don't likeI'm treated like a pariah, as though I've done something terribly wrong. When another sister tried togive my narcissist sister some advice she was snubbed and not spoken to for the next 6 months! Everylittle incident is blown up out of all proportion, every single thing to do with either my mother orsister has to be treated as of supreme importance.I've had health issues for over 30 years, yet my health is never mentioned by either of them. I go tothe hospital for day procedure - no phone call afterwards to ask how I got on. I go to the doctor withsymptoms - ditto. Yet both of them never stop talking about their health to me, getting me to look upthis, that or the other for them on the Internet. I've finally had enough and have decided that in futureI'll stop acting like I'm treading on eggshells all the time; I'll tell it like it is.My mother has recently decided she no longer can live on her own and wants to move in with one (orboth) of us, say a month with my sister, then a month with me. I've already said 'no way' and of courseall hell has broken loose - how terrible that I'm the one causing the trouble - lol. How the woman whohas never cared for my health or happiness has the cheek to even think of coming to live with me Iwill never know. Or rather I DO know - it's because a narcissist doesn't care for anyone's happiness

but their own. They must have what THEY want, they don't recognise that other people have feelingstoo or, if they recognise it, they don't care. I feel that this present issue is the one that may finallybring about a total break between my mother and me, and perhaps my sister and me too. AFAIACthey can live together permanently and drive each other mad, but I have had my fill of being theirdoormat, the one they use but who neither of them cares about.

Answer

I finally figured out today that my sister is narcissistic. For the last ten years she has abused everyonein our family. Our father was ill with cancer and she would call me to fly down (3000 miles) becausemy mother was trying to kill him. I actually believed that my mother was over-medicating himbecause my sister said so. My sister also repeatedly told me that our mother was not her mother, butthat our aunt was her "real" mother.She started collecting stray animals at the drop of a hat as well as three Chinese children that shesomehow managed to adopt. She would bring the dogs to my parents apartment even though myfather kept asking her not to bring them. Eventually he died with her and the dogs in the room. He hadtold my mother that he did not want my sister or the dogs around.That's about the time the blaming started. She railed on me for not being there when my father passedaway. I had said my goodbyes a few days earlier and our bond was strong enough that I was able to





survive that attack.She disappeared after he died and only showed up at the funeral. This was followed by scathingcomments on how I had completely mishandled the funeral.Then she started to have troubles with her kids and dogs (26 at that time plus numerous stray cats).Did I mention she is single?She tripped over one of the dogs and broke her knee cap. I was called in to help. I got into her car andthere was dog crap (for lack of a better word) all over the car including the car seats. I was appalledand told her that she needed to be careful. If CPS saw those circumstances they would have reason totake her children. I mention this, because that was the beginning of her incessant abuse towards me.She had a male friend who was watching her dogs and I had to go get some things for her from thehouse. He opened the door for us and in conversation I said to him that she had way more dogs thanshe could handle with the three children.That opened the floodgates to many very destructive emails. This male friend of hers was supposedlya boyfriend that no one knew about. He had an asthma attack and died. The reason that he had theasthma attack was of course because I treated him like a handyman instead of a boyfriend. Hence Ikilled him.Naive as I was to what narcissism really means, I tried to defend myself.She in turn sought the support of my mother. My mother has taken her side ever since then, believing

any lie that my sister will tell her.For ten years now I have known what awful things she has said about my mother, but because sheneeded her to take care of the children (more on that in a minute) she has pretended to be someone sheis not.Narcissists can't handle it if they are not adored unconditionally, right. Well, one after another thesechildren from China showed that they were not perfect. She screamed at them, hit them, stuffed theirmouths violently with food on a fork when they did not eat (these are only the things that I observedon the few occasions we were together).First one was sent away. I am sure that my mother has financed most of that. I believe she is nowadopted elsewhere and I hope she is happy.Two years later the next one was sent away. He is now at a boarding school for troubled childrenwhose adoptions fail. He spent one night with me last summer on his way home. My mother isfinancing that as well and despite the fact that my father left her well off, she has constant moneyworries.The little boy was terrified of having to go back there. Of course within three months he was back andI don't know what is happening to him.As you can guess, the fault is never hers. These kids are "damaged" and can't be raised by anyone.She has one child left. My heart aches for her, but there is not much I can do.Two weeks ago I received another one of those emails. My aunt (the one who was her "real" mother)and I are in fact, the people that are to blame for the fact that her children had to be sent away. We"need" to live with the consequences of our actions.She actually shared this with her 12 year old daughter andfollows this email with another stating that I should let things rest right here.

Now, I am not yet that well versed in narcissism, but I suspect that my not answering will nowconfirm my guilt and she will be well pleased with herself. She can now move on to the next victim,which undoubtedly will be her one daughter.I also want to mention that as children we were both sexually molested and abused. When we spokeabout this many years ago, we both felt that our mother had not watched us carefully enough. I am notsure if that is the reason she has focused her anger on me. I am married, have children andgrandchildren and am generally a happy person.I am supposed to see them all in a month for my mothers 80th birthday. What to do? I do not wantany more to do with her ever, but really don't know how to deal with this one situation.Another opinion.......





I myself have a narcissitic brother and after researching professional mental health databases, etc., I'vecome to the conclusion any hope of change in his behavior is most likely futile. Narcissitic people donot seek help, nor do they believe there is anything wrong with them..it's everyone else who is theproblem and god forbid if you do anything to tarnish the self image they have, such as cause themembrasessment when the reality of their behaviors becomes public knowledge....they can beextremely vindictive towards anyone who tarnish's the false image they work so hard to portray to themasses.My best advice in my uneducated opinion is to avoid dealing with such a sibling as much as you can,while gently, non-confrontationally pointing out they seem to keep having these 'problems' with thoseclose to them, if the opportunity arises. If they are extremely destructive to themselves or abusive(they can become very enraged when disagreed with or confronted) it might be in the best interests of your own mental health to avoid dealing with them at all. Enabling their behavior will do nothing tohelp them. You may not be able to save them from themselves, you can only save you and your ownsanity!

Another answer/supportive story:

I appreciated reading these many responses. While I felt for everyone's pain, I could identify withalmost everyone's story. I just severed ties with my narcissistic older sister. We haven't talked for afew months, and just started talking again. Immediately, our email exchanged devolved into between-the-lines criticisms and insinuations that were hurtful, wrong and violating. I think that's the worstpart, narcissists tend to be so violation; they violate all of our boundaries. She's 29 and I'm 22. She'smanipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive, self-centered, and worst of all, extremely aggressive.She lives in a delusion and she constantly asks other people to reinforce it. She believes only goodthings about herself and bad things about everyone else--that's her delusion. And the worst part is, isthat talking to her always turns into fostering the delusion, so much that she manipulates me intosomehow affirming or supporting or nurturing the delusion. The most destructive part of this dynamicis that she always tries to get you to believe bad things about yourself. In the delusion, you need topay the role of the bad/evil character in relation to the role of hero she's cast for herself. Once youconsistently and deliberately make a decision to maintain your own autonomy and not believe the liesshe tells you about yourself and herself, she becomes excessively aggressive. Both verbally andsometimes physically. Usually she just threatens physical aggression and doesn't actually follow up onit, but you can see her become completely volatile and unhinged. She's a legitimately dangerous andsometimes unpredictable person. Her mood swings can be triggered by the littlest things. She uses anyexcuse to start fights. I think arguments and drama are some how cathartic for her. Most peopleexercise or do some kind of art, she gets into arguments where she gets the opportunity to belittle anddominate other people. I think it's some kind of high for her. But the most challenging part of the

entire situation is how unaware she is of what she's doing. She's so enveloped and invested in herdelusion that she believes the lies she says, she's unaware of how manipulative and destructive she is,and completely self righteous. I don't think it's my parents fault. I think she has some kind of personality disorder.

Anyways, I have no idea what to do. After our last email exchange, I told her to no longer contact me,and I want it to last for good. She's become so insane and unhinged that she hasn't had a boyfriend inyears, but I'm legitimately worried about what would happen to her kids if she had any. They'd be





mere props to the cult of her personality she's deadset on developing. This might be a ridiculous thingto say, but sometimes I see elements of her in famously cruel and crazy fascist dictators: they were allconvinced of the legitimacy of their delusions, too, weren't they? They were just able to convinceother people the delusion was true as well. I don't think she's manage that yet. She's pretty good attaking people in, but I think most of my family is tired of it, and even if they can't pinpoint it exactly,they realize somethings wrong, they just don't know what or what to do about it. Some members of my family see her for who she is, but even they are afraid to confront her. Instead, they walk ontiptoes and for the most part try to appease her. Feels very world-war-twoish, with the politics here.Anyways, I really want nothing to do with her. I'm 95 percent certain that my life would besignificantly better without her in it. I think she needs me, but I certainly don't need her--it's theopposite. Every time I talk to her, I feel anxious and emotionally polluted for a few days, if not weeks.I'm reeling with anxiety, and we only exchanged a few emails. The only problem is the rest of myfamily. We have family get-togethers a few times a year, and I don't know how I should navigate this.Since we're older, we all live far apart, and we have few opportunities to see one another. What do Ido? Stay away? Sacrifice my family for her--she'll certainly insist on being there. And as I said, if we're together, I believe she'll become dramatic, unhinged and potentially violent. I could handlebeing with her if we limited our exchanges to small talk (in a larger family context, never one on one),but I know she'll purposefully attempt ot push my buttons, and if that doesn't work, she'll have

hysterical fits, and perhaps, as I said, get violent or self destructive. If that doesn't work, she'll attemptto manipulate my family against me or find some other sneaky way to hurt my feelings or make mefeel alienated. There's nowhere she won't go to make another person feel small. She used to do self destructive things to manipulate other people... I'm at a loss for how to handle this situation.Personally, I know I've made the right decision, but what do I do about the rest of my family? Avoideveryone because I want to avoid her? That doesn't seem right either. I really think disowning her andcutting off all contact is the way to go, but I don't want to do it at the expense of my family.

An Understanding Response:

I am so glad I came across the experiences that many have shared and so closely resembles mycurrent dysfunctional relationship with my younger sister, it is so refreshing to know that otherwoman are suffering the same conflict with their sisters. For so long and so many years I internalizedmy younger sisters often irrational and erratic behavior without realizing what she was doing to myself confidence and self esteem over the years. I'm not sure how her behavior got to be sounreasonable and abusive to the point now that she violently attacks my self esteem and personalchoices whenever I'm around her. Unfortunately my spouse and I have to live with her and my motherfor a short time until we get on our feet again financially ( which will not be long). Recently, herbehavior is out of control and very embarrassing to me, that my spouse thinks my mom and sister are

very odd. I never expected her behavior and comments to be so explosive, volatile and unjustifiedwhen I made the decision to stay with her temporarily. I wonder maybe at times is there some deep jealously underlying all this sporadic rage when she doesn't get her way, or she explodes because Ididn't answer her with the tone or manner or as quick as she expected. I can completely relate to thetwisting and manipulating of my motives and words to suit her often delusional reality about me andpossibly other people in society.I am starting to wonder if what I am feeling is closely related to a battered wife syndrome, sheexplodes and goes on her personal attacks rants on my character and personality and failures, then self righteously and confidently exclaims her judgment and justification for her anger and outrageousbehavior, then hours or sometimes days later she calls and sweetly or apologetically covers over her





behavior and then another couple of days or weeks go by and it starts all over again.I know she is my sister but I am in my thirties and she is getting there too, and even though she is mysister I have no tolerance for abuse and someone trying to tear me apart so viciously, I don't think even a stranger on the street has ever spoken to me as disgustingly as she does when she goes intothese episodes, and I have no idea where this is coming from?I feel sorry for my Mom who just tolerates this behavior and tells me to calm down if I petition her orrelay to her the abusive nature of her actions. I really have to contain myself or walk away from herwhen she acts like this , which seems to elevate her sense of control and dominance over me and mysituation so she feels justified in whatever sense of power and entitlement it gives her to act like this.I suppose the only way to deal with someone like this is to distance yourself from them, becauseotherwise they are just toxic and dangerous to your self esteem and ability to get ahead in your life inso many aspects. With my sister everything is about control and manipulation and everybody else iswrong and I'm right mentality.Being an opposite personality, as someone who is reserved and for the most part introspective, herbehavior is feels like a direct threat to my safety and security and I find it ridiculous and completelychildish that she continues to act this way even as a full grown and responsible adult.I guess I am wondering what coping mechanisms, skills or strategies do you use to protect yourself from your sibling, especially when you are forced to be around them and live in the same

surroundings.In support:I have had to separate myself from my sister and though I've resolved many times to forgive andforget, after I re-establish contact with her and things go well for a short time she always reverts to heraggressive verbal assaults and antagonizing behaviors. I feel emotionally battered after being with herfor even a short time.Once, after leveling with her and addressing the problems openly I was surprised by her lack of awareness of her own behaviors. She truly seemed oblivious to the idea that she was acting in anyway rude, selfish or hurtful. She is extremely self-righteous too. However she did ask me to make heraware of the occasions when she did these rude and vindictive things. Finally, I thought , She's willingto work on resolving this because our relationship means something to her. Big mistake. The first timeI brought to her attention a particularly condescending comment she made to me, she went into a ragelike I've never seen . She nearly physically assaulted me. It's then I realized the problem is solely withher and it comes from deep down.One other strategy i tried was to laugh off her criticisms and make light of anything negative sheschemed up, as if it wasn't worth being bothered about because I felt maybe she just enjoyed theshock factor and the idea of just pushing my buttons to see me get angry. But it didnt' really work either. She persisted even more in picking me apart in other ways.I truly think she was missing something important in her growing up years. She never resolved somechildhood issues and she took in the verbal abuse of my father. It's as if she's trying to relive that painto somehow resolve it but ends up switching to the role of the aggressor herself.It's important to not let another person bring you down with abusive treatment. Eventually you'll

suffer in ways you didn't realize were taking place at the time. It's the wear and tear and the consistentbeating down that accumulate to finally make you feel bad about yourself and to question your self-worth. Just as being with a supportive encouraging person can make you feel so hopeful, happy andalive, being with one who does the opposite can ruin your self-esteem and that can color every area of your life in a very negative way.

SETTING BOUNDARIES:In my experience fiercely setting boundaries for receiving reasonable treatment from a narcissisticsibling only escalates the problem. As adamantly as I demand to be treated as a respected humanbeing she just as adamantly mocks the demand and increases her resistance to being reasonable about





it.

What I hate is when the other members of the family laughingly pass it off as sibling rivalry eventhough the siblings are now in their 40's and 50's. It's out-right emotional abuse and is usually alwaysinstigated by the narcissist. The fact that the family simply accepts a family member being abusive toanother is very telling. There may have been some serious verbal abuse issues in the family all along.

I have a N younger sister as well. I tried setting boundaries after it struck me one day that she hadpicked up where our emotionally abusive father had left off and she had gotten worse than he everwas. Our father was an alcoholic. One day he stopped drinking and he mellowed out, period. Mysister was then diagnosed "bipolar" and she became mentally and emotionally abusive towardseveryone. It was a strange realization what had been happening for so long as I was in a state of chronic illness and depression, I couldn't see what was happening but she was taking full advantage of the fact that I was depressed in order to agress against me and to try to dominate me. Incredible. Ourmother councelled that little sister was "ill" and that I should "let it all go". In not reacting, my sister

just got crazier and crazier. If she did something that was meant to antagonize me and I failed to react,she'd simply keep upping the ante until I would react. When I took out a temporary restraining order,she began breaking into my home repeatedly and obtaining one temporary restraining order after

another against me in retaliation. Needless to say, she is insane. The other day, for Christmas, sherepeatedly invited me over... Needless to say, she is insane, need I repeat myself? She imagines shecan do everything in her power to maliciously harrass me and that I will forgive and forget. Actually,she used to damage my property and then call me a day or two later and ask me if I would help herout with some problem or other. And I used to, in light of the fact that she was mentally unbalanced. Iused to not hold things against her and she thought I was a fool. So this past Christmas, after Irepeatedly refused her invitation, she began to do what she typically used to do, start handing mepapers on trauma. One of her activiities is to call the police on me and tell them that I have a mentalillness or that she suspects that I am on drugs. Clever, no? After I took the papers she stuck under myfront door and put them in my trash can, I went in my room and read until I began to get sleepy. OnlyI smelt a little smoke and heard some branches crackling. She had been burning some papers outsidein a small trash barrel. I looked out the window. No fire there. I opened my front door and found thatthe side of my studio was just then catching fire. Apparently, my N sister had taken ash from themetal trash container and transferred it to a large plastic compost bin that was next to my property.The bin had completely burned to the ground, the leaves around it were on fire, the bottom of thebuilding had begun burning, and there is a lattice that leads right up to the roof which would haveeasily begun burning if I hadn't been alert or if I had been asleep! After I put the fire out, my sistershows up a minute later and asks me if I am sure that I don't want to spend Christmas with her. Laterthat evening, she calls to tell me she had not set the bin on fire deliberately. I don't care whether shedid it intentionally or unconsciously, it amounts to the same thing! This is someone I have avoidedcontact with for the past 6 months. Yesterday, she is trying to speak to me, trying to hand me things,trying to stick stuff under my front door and phoning me! And all I can see that has come from herinvitation to her home is the fact that she damn near burnt mine to the ground!

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