Using Hypnotic Language to Create Rapport

1. What is Rapport?

The Definition of Rapport

• Rapport is one of the central pillars of both Erickson’s techniques and NLP. It’s essentially a respectful way of interacting with others in both your personal and professional life.

• True rapport isn’t something you can turn off and on like a faucet. It continually flows easily and gracefully between people and depends on a sense of trust and integrity.

• Rapport doesn’t necessarily mean friendship. It does mean having the feeling that you are connecting with someone no matter how different that person might be from you.

Why is Rapport Important?

• Rapport is vital to success in both your personal and professional life. Everyone who surrounds you is different from you; each individual filters information differently and makes choices based on unconscious needs and desires; establishing rapport helps you to bridge the gap between your internal dialog and someone else’s.

• Rapport is the first step to persuasion and influence. Without rapport you can’t negotiate for a better salary, convince the person of your dreams to marry you, or communicate fluidly with your colleagues on important projects

• Think about someone in your everyday life with whom you have rapport. You may feel that you and this other person are almost always “on the same wavelength.” Now contrast that with someone you feel you don’t have rapport with. You may find this 2nd person difficult to talk to or be around. By working with rapport techniques, it may be possible for you to establish rapport with this 2nd person and if this person is your boss, your ability to do this could be useful to you!

The Difference between Rapport and Persuasion; Perceptual Positions

• A story to explain the difference: When Milton Erickson was young he went door-to-door selling encyclopedias. He approached a farmer, but the farmer had no use for the books and sent him away. As he was leaving, the young Erickson, having given up on selling anything, rubbed the back of one of the farmer’s hogs, because he remembered that hogs liked that. The farmer saw him doing that and he felt a connection with Erickson. He reversed his decision and bought the books based on Erickson’s action. Persuasion is so much easier with rapport!

• Before you can persuade or influence, you need to establish rapport. Rapport isn’t something that comes easily in most situations. You need to build a relationship with someone else and it takes time. You’ll need to establish rapport and a working relationship BEFORE you can expect anyone to listen to you. For example, a teacher who hasn’t established rapport with her students, will have a difficult time getting them to respond. But a teacher who has built that rapport and that relationship, will be able to open students’ eyes to subjects they never dreamed of.

• In order to persuade someone, you must understand his/her position. There are three perceptual positions. The first position is your own natural perspective. If you’re coming from a position of strength you know your own goals, needs, and desires. But, unlike a baby who only knows his or her own wants, you recognize that this is a selfish position and what you want may not be good for others involved with you. The second position requires you to shift into someone else’s shoes to understand and empathize with their needs, wants, and goals. The third position is where you take a detached view. You can act as if you were an outside observer of the relationship that’s ongoing between the person in position 1 and the person in position 2.

Practical Uses for Rapport (and the occasions where you might want to break rapport)

Without rapport no one will be able to move from one frame of mind to another

• Personal relationships: Starting new friendships and renewing the older ones; increasing the love and commitment in your marriage; getting your teenage children to listen to you

• Business relationships: Getting a job interview and eventually getting the job you want; convincing a colleague that your process is better than what the department is currently doing; making a sale of a product or service

• Breaking rapport: Here are two scenarios where you might want to break rapport. Scenario 1: You’re at a conference and someone who has no budget is taking up all your time and you can’t attend to other potential leads. You’ll need to break rapport with this person in order to open up other opportunities. Scenario 2: You’re in your office trying to concentrate on some deadline work when the people who water the plants come in and try to strike up a conversation. You’ll need to show with body language, conversation, and tone that you’re busy especially if they keep talking after you’ve sent some clues!

The Relationship between Nonverbal and Verbal Communication in Rapport and Tips on

Establishing Rapport

• Mehrabian Research Findings: Professor Mehrabian of UCLA studied how people respond to communication; if they receive a mixed message from you, it’s because your body language, tone of voice, and words don’t match up with each other; in his particular study he found that 7% of the communication was in words, 38% was tone of voice, and 55% came through posture, facial expressions, and gestures

• Tips 1-4 for establishing rapport:

(1) Pay attention to other people, both their interests and what makes them tick, put yourself in their perceptual position;

(2) Pick up on key phrases and the manner of speaking that the other person uses and subtly try to work those phrases into your own conversational style;

(3) Does the person look at information globally or in a detailed way? Try to present information to them in their preferred way;

(4) Pick up on whether the person favors visual, auditory, or kinesthetic representation and try to work that system into your conversation

• Tips 5-8 for establishing rapport:

(5) Breathe in unison with the person, once again do this in a subtle way;

(6) Get in sync with the person’s overall intention: what is he or she trying to achieve?;

(7) Match your posture, body language, speed of talking, and tone of voice--once again do this in a subtle way;

(8) Respect people’s time, energy, friends, money, and colleagues—these may all prove to be resources for you in the future

2. What is the Milton Model?

Biography of Milton Hyland Erickson

• Milton Hyland Erickson (1901-1980) was an American physician and psychiatrist who created a new paradigm for the practice of hypnosis

• Traumatic illness shaped Erickson’s life and thought process: At the age of 17, he contracted polio. He was so ill that he couldn’t speak and he was in bed for months on end; during this time, he paid attention to all the nonverbal and verbal communication that was happening around him; he became a master at understanding body language and tone of voice as well as verbal communication

• He used self-hypnosis to ease his pain: As he recovered from polio, he had muscle memories that allowed him to reconstruct how to walk and use his arms again--he set out a goal for himself a 1,000 mile canoe trip to build up his arm and leg muscles. When he returned, he could walk with the use of a cane, but every day throughout the rest of his life he used self-hypnosis to ease his pain.

Paradigm Shift: How Erickson Differed from Freud

• No more couches: Freud’s method of psychoanalysis depended on the subject lying on a couch in a passive state. The hypnotist would then take the patient into a trance and delve deep into past memories to uncover the source of the problem. In contrast, a session with Milton Erickson would have been more like a conversation between two people who have genuine rapport.

• Power to the patient: In the Freudian viewpoint, the psychoanalyst would be in the dominant position as the healer of the patient. Erickson believed that hypnotherapy gave the power to the patient to access his/her subconscious in order to find the solution to problems.

• Present and future, not past: Much of the previous methodology of psychotherapy involving finding the source of trauma in order to identify the genesis of problems. Erickson didn’t concentrate on past events or trauma but instead started with rapport and empathy as the beginning of a patient’s desire for transformation.

Opening the Door to Conversational Hypnosis

• Hypnotic Language Patterns: During his life’s work spanning 50 years, Erickson discovered and developed hundreds of hypnotic language patterns. These patterns opened a portal into the subject’s unconscious. Tapping the unconscious was the first step in guiding the subject to choose transformative action.

• Vague Language, Precise Results: Although there’s a very wide range of language patterns that Erickson developed and used, his patterns are all dependent on vague language. For example, words like “imagine” or “relax” or “discover” all mean different things to different people. By using these words in his conversational hypnosis, he could establish rapport with his subjects and get them into a hypnotic state. Each subject would dig into his/ her unconscious to tap memories or thoughts. He then guided the subject to choices that would be the first steps to a change in his/her state of mind or behavior. In other words, Erickson used vague language to achieve precise outcomes.

• Patient Trance/Hypnotist Trance: As Erickson established rapport with his patients, he used vague language to put them into a state of internally- focused trance. Once in a state of trance, they could tap their unconscious minds. He found that as the hypnotist, he would also go into an externally focused trance as he concentrated on their behavior.

Listening and Observing with Empathy: Clues that Help You Establish Rapport

• Erickson was an intense observer. His sister was quoted as saying that he “listened” with his eyes. He continuously made notes of his observations as he worked with his patients. He then used his findings to refine language patterns and other techniques in his repertoire.

• As he listened and observed with empathy, he took note of his patients’ body language, tone of voice, language phrases, use of words, and sensory preferences. He then dovetailed his language as sessions progressed so that he could guide his subjects to change their thinking.

• You can do the same as Erickson. Sit somewhere where you can people watch for a long time, an hour or more. Pay attention to body movements and conversations. Can you tell which people have rapport and which don’t?

The Unconscious Mind as an Unlimited Resource

• Freud believed that the unconscious mind was a storehouse of negative events. Trauma from a person’s childhood influenced many of his/her future decisions and behavior.

• Erickson instead looked at the unconscious from a much more positive perspective. He saw the unconscious as an unlimited resource. Each individual can choose to tap into the unconscious to improve his/her life. He perceived his job as the hypnotherapist as helping the patient to open that door into the unconscious but the patient was free to choose whether to go there or not.

• The study of the unconscious mind is still in its early stages. There is still much more to learn. We know that the conscious mind is better at logic, working through things step-by-step, mathematics, and analysis while the unconscious mind runs the body, stores memories, takes care of emotions, and is more intuitive and creative than the conscious mind. In order to improve yourself, you’ll need to discover how to give directions to your unconscious mind. You can actually develop a rapport between your conscious mind and unconscious mind by using meditation and relaxation.

3. Milton’s Techniques to Create Rapport: Stories, Analogies, and

Metaphors

Milton Erickson frequently used stories, metaphors, and analogies to develop rapport with his subjects.

Human beings are wired to listen to and, more importantly, to remember stories. People respond to stories with emotion and tapping emotions can be powerful. As each person listens to your story, he or she delves into unconscious memories and thoughts to determine what that story means.

• Definition of story: An account of real or imaginary people or events. Most people will see themselves as the hero or heroine in your story and connect with the message of what the hero or heroine has learned or how the character has transformed.

• Definition of analogy: A comparison between two things showing a parallel structure. For example, you could compare a seedling and its growth to the growth of a start-up business.

• Definition of metaphor: A figure of speech where a phrase is applied to an object or action when it is not literally applicable, but instead symbolically applicable. For example, if a salesman exceeded his quota for the month, you could say “he hit it out of the ballpark.”

Creating new stories, analogies, or metaphors customized for your subject or audience

To establish rapport and ultimately help someone (or an entire audience) make transformational changes you can prepare a story, analogy, or metaphor that is specifically for them.

• Step 1: Pinpoint the desired outcome the subject wants (wants to lose weight, get better at sales, master public speaking) and make sure those results wouldn’t have negative consequences. Find out what steps the subject has made that haven’t yielded results.

• Step 2: Find a new context that interests your subject. Plan out the metaphor so that it hits the points discovered in Step 1. Propose a solution within the context of the story, metaphor, or analogy. Reframe the original event from another perspective.

• Step 3: As you become more adept at hypnotic language, you can put your subject into a trance-like state as you are telling the story/metaphor/ analogy. Allow the subject to tap into his or her own unconscious mind to discover the meaning of the story and how to apply it to his/her situation.

Keep your client on the road and use stories, analogies, and metaphors to do it

• Erickson and the horse: One day as he was walking home from school, a bridled horse ran past him looking for water. It was sweating heavily and looked disoriented. Erickson hopped up on the horse and yelled “Giddy-Up.” Erickson felt that the horse would go in the right direction. The horse headed for the road at the very beginning, but then he veered off into a field. The horse did this several times and each time, Erickson guided him back to the original road. After about four miles, the horse turned into a local farmyard. The farmer there recognized his runaway horse and asked the young Erickson how did he figure out it was his horse. Erickson said, “I didn’t know. The horse knew. I just kept his attention on the road he first approached.” This story could potentially mean lots of different things but one way to view it is to compare a subject to the horse in the story. The horse knows its own direction and needs gentle guidance not dominance. It can be seen as Erickson’s philosophy of hypnotherapy.

• Most everyday conversation isn’t that exciting. To establish rapport and become an influencer, mastery of stories, analogies, and metaphors is important. These techniques raise conversation to a new level and keep your subject engaged. Rapport requires connection and if your subject/s isn’t interested they won’t be listening to the depth of your message.

• Using vague language when incorporating stories, metaphors, and analogies: If you want the subject to imagine a scenario sometimes it’s helpful to keep the language vague enough that the subject can fill in his/her own details. For example, if you want to use a ship story, you can begin by having the client “Imagine a ship on calm waters. Everything is serene and a light breeze is blowing. Then suddenly dark storm clouds are on the horizon....” By telling the story this way, to give a message for the obstacles encountered in life, the subject can fill in details from his/her past to give it meaning and understand the pattern/message.

Stories, metaphors, and analogies unlock the unconscious mind

• Poems and songs tap into the unconscious parts of our minds because they are specific enough yet universal enough for us to connect them to our own memories and thoughts. Great stories, metaphors, and analogies work the same way. They require intuition and creativity to decipher, so they tap the unconscious mind more readily than regular conversation.

• Sometimes it is difficult for us to detect our own foibles or the solutions to our own problems but a story or metaphor can help us to see ourselves from a different position. It helps us to see patterns in ourselves that we might not see otherwise.

• Just as our ancestors sat around camp fires and swapped stories, we can use the telling of stories to bring people together and to establish rapport across cultures.

Active listening will help you to pick up the subject’s stories or metaphors and incorporate them into your

hypnotic conversation

• As you develop empathy and build rapport with others, you’ll become more adept at hearing their stories and metaphors within their conversations.

• Even single phrases or sentences that the client uses to pepper his or her speech can be goldmines for you to tap into as you build on them or reframe them to establish rapport.

• Different fields of endeavor have different metaphors and some metaphors are common across industries. As you become a better listener, you’ll be able to amplify these metaphors when you hear them and use them to establish rapport when you speak to people working in these industries.

4. Milton’s Techniques to Create Rapport: Agreement and Truisms

What is an Agreement?

If you could always get everyone to agree with you then you would have rapport with everyone. The reality is that there are no two people on the face of the planet that align on every issue. Even identical twins don’t always have the same opinion. With Milton’s techniques, you structure truisms so that the subject has the opportunity to always agree with you. Your goal is to develop rapport and build a bridge for the subject’s transformation whether it is to break a bad habit or to buy a new house.

• Structure your statements: The trick is to structure your statements so the subject answers either yes or no but in all cases there is an underlying agreement with what you have said whether it’s positive or negative.

• Begin with what you can observe: You’ve joined this course because you’re hoping to learn something about how to use hypnotic language. If the subject has joined the class this statement is a true fact. (The subject says yes or just nods in affirmation).

• Vary the structure of the agreements: You might say, you’re not going to be able to master all these facts in a few hours, it’s going to take some time. (The subject says you’re right, I can’t master it that quickly or just nods in agreement). Notice that the subject is agreeing with the negative statement as you’ve framed it.

How to Use Truisms

• Encountering resistance: Sometimes when you’re trying to build rapport, you’ll encounter resistance. By beginning with observable facts and moving to more abstract universal truths, you’ll establish agreement with the subject on the path to rapport.

• Example: A speaker looks around at the audience and begins by saying, “some of you are wondering whether I’ll have a message of particular value to you today.” This is an observable fact because it summarizes how everyone feels before they begin to listen to a speaker. Next, the speaker might say, “I want you to close your eyes and imagine how you would feel if you were a multi-millionaire. Would that wealth help you to feel secure?” Most people will respond with a nod or a yes to that statement. Here the speaker has quickly taken the audience from an observable fact to an abstract scenario to get agreement.

• After you get a number of nonverbal or verbal affirmatives from a subject or audience, it’s a form of pace, pace, and pace again. Then you can begin to lead them or guide them to the transformation you hope they’ll attain.

Too Many Yes Responses

• We’ve all heard a salesperson who uses questioning or truisms in a way that seems inauthentic. If a subject answers yes, yes, yes to a series of statements or every statement is phrased in an affirmative way, then after a while, the subject feels manipulated. It’s important to vary statements/ questions so that the subject feels that the conversation is flowing in a natural way.

• As you stack truisms, you are creating a flowing river that moves in the direction you have determined. You’ve established rapport with your subject and now he or she is primed for the suggestions that you would like their unconscious mind to accept.

• Rapport depends on trust, integrity, empathy, and respect. Your desired outcome is one that should be of mutual benefit to both you and your subject. You are there to guide the subject to helping his or her self.

Truisms Help You Build Momentum

• As you can see the nonverbal and verbal agreement you have with your subject and you sense their rapport, you can guide them along the path. You can make suggestions a little at a time as if they were bread crumbs. Subjects will eventually reach a point where they are in a state of mind to make a change.

• Make sure that you have agreement and rapport before you begin to structure your conversation with embedded commands or suggestions.

• Remember not to take too big of a leap. Your subjects have to be moved slowly from their beginning point. They won’t be willing to accept ideas or suggestions that are too fair afield from their current state of mind. For example, in a corporation where the management is savvy to how difficult change is for most employees, programs or infrastructure is changed in small bite-sized steps. This type of planning allows their employees to get used to the new protocols.

Desired Outcomes Help You Determine the Truisms to Use

• As you become more masterful at incorporating truisms into your conversational strategies, you’ll notice that your subject or audience is more and more receptive to the guidance you want to give them.

• In addition to enhancing conversation, friendship, and bonds between people, rapport is essential to achieve any type of problem solving that requires a team effort. Whether it’s to help someone break a bad habit, become more self confident, or buy something to help their quality of life, truisms combined with the strategy of pace, pace, pace then lead will get you there.

• Begin with the outcome: What is your plan? To teach students about a fascinating subject? To help someone overcome their fears? To assist in raising the quality of life in an impoverished area? No matter what your goals are you can achieve them by using truisms to get agreement and eventually rapport.

5. Milton Techniques to Create Rapport: Pacing and Leading

Both Milton Erickson’s conversational techniques and NLP techniques are based on the underlying principle that language has “holes” in it. Our ways of thinking are reflected in the language we use, so if you get masterful at listening to what people say and how they say it, you can eventually read the map of their minds. For example, when you say you “can’t do” something, it’s not clear why you can’t do it. You feel some obstacle that prevents you from moving forward. Erickson would have used vague language in a conversational, soft, indirect style to get you to tap into your own inner resources to overcome that obstacle. An NLP practitioner would have questioned you and asked you, “what would it look like if you did this thing you say you can’t do?” In this way, NLP uses a direct approach to uncover what’s behind that “hole” or “obstacle” in your thinking that was reflected in your language.

Milton Erickson’s Techniques Versus NLP Techniques

• What exactly is pacing? Suppose you are in an airport and you have to step onto one of those moving walkways. If you just step on it, without changing your speed, you’re in danger of falling because it’s traveling at a faster speed than you are. You must quicken your pace until you’re at the same speed and then wedge on. This metaphor explains what pacing is. By listening respectfully and with empathy, you can match and mirror another person’s behavior until you are in alignment with him or her.

• What exactly is leading? Leading is when you attempt to get another person to change or transform by guiding that person to a new direction. Everyone is a leader and a follower in different aspects of life. All teachers, politicians, coaches, parents, doctors, psychologists, are leaders. In order to help others, they must help their students, constituents, clients, children, and patients stretch and transform.

• In order to build rapport, both the Milton and NLP models would advise you to pace, pace, and pace again before you attempt to lead. You need to be patient about empathizing and listening to your subject before you can take him or her on a journey of transformation.

Pacing: Step 1

Marina has decided to buy a car. It’s a big purchase for her and she’s newly divorced, so she’s feeling the pang of not having her husband around to help her make a decision.

• Marina goes to three different dealerships. At all three dealerships, the salespeople jump into the features and benefits of their different vehicles without asking Marina any questions about what she’s looking for.

• Finally, at the fourth dealership, Sandra walks up to her and asks if she can help. After asking Marina some questions about what she’s seeking, Sandra finds out that Marina has her own small business. Surprisingly, Marina reveals that she’s newly divorced and Sandra finds out that she’s feeling uncomfortable making the decision on her own.

• In very subtle ways, Sandra paces Marina. She slowly mirrors and matches, her body posture, breathing, and energy level. She tells Marina that she herself recently bought a new house on her own and how she convinced herself that she was able to make the decision without her boyfriend or parents’ help. She empathizes with how Marina feels.

Pacing: Step 2

• As Sandra listens attentively to Marina she notices that Marina frequently uses words that evoke sound. When Sandra proposes that they take a test drive in several different models, Marina says that “sounds good to her” and that she wants a car that “harmonizes well with her lifestyle.”

• As they go on several test drives, Sandra talks more about the features of the car and she uses a lot of “sound” words in her conversation. Marina is starting to feel more comfortable as they relax and talk together as if they were old friends.

• When they get back to the dealership, Sandra is feeling that Marina’s not quite ready to make a decision yet. Marina tells Sandra again that she never feels that comfortable making decisions by herself.

Pacing: Step 3

• Instead of making Marina feel bad, Sandra simply says, “I hear what you’re saying. It’s not easy for you to make that decision by yourself. That strikes a chord with me.”

• Both women stand there for a few seconds and then Sandra says, “If you did feel comfortable making the decision on your own, which car would you feel resonates with you the most?”

• Marina looks to the center right, which reinforces that she’s auditory and that she’s thinking of something new. Sandra has made her think about which car she would choose on her own without anyone else’s influence.

Leading: Step 4

• Marina thinks for a few minutes and then tells Sandra which car she feels in harmony with. Sandra asks her more questions to find out why she feels that way and Marina outlines what she likes about the car.

• Sandra smiles and says...”you almost sound like a woman who’s made a decision.”

• Marina smiles and asks for more details about the purchase price. Sandra has just sold a car and made a friend. Marina will be back to purchase her next car as well. Because Sandra didn’t “hard sell” and because she listened and established rapport with Marina, she was able to give Marina the comfort level she needed to make a decision.

6. Milton Techniques to Create Rapport: The Inverse of the Meta

Model

Going On An Archaeological Dig

To empathize and truly get to know someone you can go about it two different ways. You need to truly find out about the “map” of their unconscious world.

• There are two ways to find out about someone’s inner map. The Milton Erickson way was to pay attention to these language patterns and to introduce more vagueness into the conversation so that the subject will tap into his or her unconscious mind and offer more clues along the way. Clues that he as the hypnotherapist could use to help guide the subject to a solution.

• The other method to tap into these “violations” is the NLP method, which is a very focused way of asking questions so that the subject will start to get outside the box of his or her pattern and see the possibilities of ways to solve the problem.

• Whether the approach is soft and indirect as in the Erickson model or pinpointed and direct as in the NLP model, the results are still the same. These words provide portals to the unconscious map inside someone’s mind.

Patterns 1:

When a subject isn’t specific with his/her language either by deleting or generalizing, it can point to an underlying problem or something he/she would like to keep hidden.

• deletion: unspecified verbs and nouns, for example: “He flustered me” (this could be interpreted in either a good or bad way); “She taught me the ropes” (what are the ropes in this context?)

• generalization: universal quantifier, “He always treats me badly” (in what way, by doing what)

• deletion: comparative deletions, for example, “He makes me feel inferior” (how and in what way?)

Patterns 2:

By listening attentively, you can use someone’s speech patterns to discover how they think and feel.

• generalization: presupposition, for example, “I need to prevent a buying spree” (assumes you’ve had buying sprees in the past)

• deletion: unspecified referential index, “They say you gain weight when you quit smoking” (which authority stated this and in what context)

• distortion: nominalization, for example, “Men can’t be trusted” (which men and why can’t they be trusted)

Patterns 3:

In the Erickson method, you can uncover these patterns in a person’s speech and use the same artful vagueness to have a hypnotic conversation with him/her.

• distortion: mind reading, for example, “I’m sure you’re wondering about” (you may or may not be but it leads you to be)

• generalization: modal operators of action, “I dismiss that behavior as childish” (why do you dismiss the behavior)

• distortion: cause effect, for example, “If you work hard enough, you can make a million dollars” (possibly, but not necessarily)

Patterns 4:

In summary, if you use the same vague language patterns as your subject, once you’ve established what those are by listening carefully, you can then use these same patterns to build rapport toward specific outcomes. In Part 8 of this outline we’ll show how NLP uses these same types of speech violations to question the subject and uncover more information. The opposite approach that Erickson took.

• generalization: modal operators of possibility, for example, “It’s not possible for me to have a successful love relationship” (why not? what has prevented you?)

• distortion: complex equivalence, for example, “By being late to the meeting, you’ve shown you’re not serious about the work” (a complex connection that may or may not be related)

• generalization: modal operators of desire, for example, “I wish I were as smart as she is” (in what way is she smarter than you)

7. What is NLP?

From Tales to Technology: How Bandler and Grinder Evolved Erickson’s Work

Erickson used metaphors and analogies and vague words to get his patients to tap into their own internal resources to solve their problems; Bandler and Grinder dug deep to uncover the hidden codes (both verbal and nonverbal) that each of us uses to communicate with ourselves and others (our own programming) so the outcome will be improved communication across the boundaries of different beliefs, cultures, and meta programs

• NLP’s beginnings: NLP started in California at the University of Santa Cruz; Richard Bandler was a master’s level student of information sciences and mathematics; Dr. John Grinder was a professor of linguistics; they were driven by trying to discover why some people were able to develop rapport with so- called difficult or mentally ill people and others were not

• The evolution of NLP: Bandler and Grinder studied the work of three world-renowned psychotherapists to develop their model of NLP: Virginia Satir (conjoint Family Therapy); Milton H. Erickson (conversational hypnosis); and Fritz Perls (founder of gestalt psychology)

• The four pillars of NLP: rapport (building a relationship with yourself and others); sensory awareness (how to use your senses to your benefit); outcome thinking (realigning your meta programs to get the results you want); behavioral flexibility (if something isn’t working to achieve your desired outcome use something else in your repertoire)

Definition of NLP

NLP stands for Neuro-Linguistic Programming, each of the three pieces of the definition play a role in how you communicate with others (external communication) and also with yourself (internal communication).

• Neuro stands for your neurological processes; as a human being you experience events through your senses, you then translate those experiences into thoughts which then affect your physical body, your behavior, and your emotions

• Linguistic stands for how you use language to communicate your experiences to others; the words you speak and your body language have the power to influence others and to transform yourself as well

• Programming stands for the thinking patterns and strategies you use to code and categorize your experiences; you use this programming to make decisions and solve problems; you also use it to evaluate the results you’re getting; if you’re not getting the outcomes you desire, NLP shows you ways to recode your experiences for improved outcomes

Determining Communication Styles: Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic

• Your five senses: sight, touch, sound, smell, and taste give you a picture of the world around you; as you filter information from your daily experiences you do it in three broad ways: visual (sight); auditory (sound); kinesthetic (touch) or VAK for short; most people favor one way over another way so they don’t always tap into their full potential for sensory experiences (in the US and Britain, visual is the dominant style for 60% or more of the population, however it’s best not to pigeonhole an individual or individuals because we use different styles in different circumstances)

• Language shows how people think differently: some words can be categorized by one of the sensory modalities and you can learn a great deal about an individual’s unconscious patterns by listening to his or her language choices: For example, suppose you ask three different people how they make decisions: The first person says I go with my gut feeling; the second person says I go with what sounds good; the third person says I need to see all the options in front of me....these statements are clues to how each person thinks and feels; if you are having trouble establishing rapport with someone, sometimes the flexibility of changing to a modality you’re not as comfortable with can bridge the gap; to be a master communicator you need to know your own preferred style but also be able to practice using the other styles; remember, the person with the most flexibility within a communication system, ultimately influences that system and controls the outcome to a large degree.

• Spotting and understanding eye movements: Bandler and Grinder noticed that when people think they look in certain directions to access certain VAK modalities; these cues can help you tap into their thought processes:

Visual constructed: Top right: seeing new images, visualizing

Visual remembered: Top left: seeing past images as in memories

Visual: Blank stare ahead: seeing old or new images

Auditory: Center right: hearing new or different sounds

Auditory: Center left: remembering sounds heard before

Auditory: Bottom left: talking to yourself

Kinesthetic: Bottom right: feeling, emotion, sense of touch

A small percentage of the population have eye movements that are a mirror image of the ones described above

The Communication Model in Action

When you are communicating with another person or group of people, you might think that you are only responsible for 50% of the communication; however, the NLP model shows you that you are responsible for 100% of the communication; NLP also provides you with tools to make your communication more effective so that you can achieve the outcomes you want.

• Developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder and based on the work of Milton Hyland Erickson, the NLP communication model is a circular process; when a person or persons display a certain behavior (external behavior) it has an affect on your thoughts and emotions (internal response). Whatever you’re thinking and feeling then causes you to respond (external behavior), which then creates a chain reaction in the other person/s (internal response).

Internal Response

External Behavior

External Behavior

Internal Response

• A Communication Story, Part 1: Amanda has had a hard day at work. Her husband is unemployed at the moment. He knows she’s been busy and told her before she left for work that he would get the kids organized for their homework and order something for dinner. On her drive home, Amanda is thinking about how nice it will be when she gets home and can just relax. When she gets home, she quickly realizes that her husband hasn’t done what he said he would do. The kids are running around the house in various states of dress. No one is even thinking about homework. Her husband looks exhausted and hasn’t even thought about ordering dinner. Amanda explodes at him, “You promised you would get all this done and you haven’t done a damn thing!” (the external circumstances have made her think to herself--wow, he really can’t be depended upon for anything) Her husband, who’s already feeling down on himself due to his lack of employment tries to respond, but she cuts him off before he can start. “I can never depend on you, Dan,” she says as she grabs the telephone and angrily starts ordering something for dinner. Her husband doesn’t try to communicate again at this point. He just wanders outside and wonders why he never feels like he’s meeting his wife’s expectations (internal response). This communication has left the bond between husband and wife weaker than the day before.

• A Communication Story, Part 2: The story is the same as before but with a twist. When Amanda gets home and she sees the situation, she talks to herself and takes several deep breaths. She knows if she explodes it isn’t going to help the situation. Instead, she says to her husband, “I guess things didn’t go as planned today, honey.” Her husband is a little defensive at first, since he knows Amanda is carrying the load right now. But he explains that the washing machine had overflowed about an hour before she got home and he had to clean everything up. Then he says, “I’m sorry this happened and I’ll get the kids started on their homework now.” Amanda offers to call and order dinner while he’s getting the kids settled. They go off to tackle their tasks and get the house in order so they can relax after dinner. By being flexible about the style in which she communicated, Amanda got a better outcome and worked with her husband, which increases their bond as parents in a tough situation. In summary: The person with the most flexibility within a communication system, ultimately influences that system and controls the outcome to a large degree. This is the core of what NLP is all about.

Mastering Communication to Develop Rapport with others

• Bandler and Grinder discovered that master communicators have three characteristics in common: They know the outcome they want to achieve; They’re very perceptive in identifying other people’s responses; They then have the ability to modify their communication style and behavior to achieve their desired outcomes; Great communicators know that they must keep their emotions in check at times to get the results they want

• What are Filters and Why are They Important? We get hit with millions of pieces of information every day. In order for our brains to assimilate all this information, we use filtering to determine what sticks and what doesn’t. There are three types of filters: Deletion—you may be paying attention to some information but totally disregarding other, possibly more important, information; Distortion—you may interpret words or actions differently than they were intended; Generalization—you may generalize about the outcome of a situation based on your past experiences in similar situations; Everyone’s filters are different and this is part of what makes true communication so challenging

• What are Meta Programs and Why are They Important? Everyone has meta programs. People all over the world delete, distort, or generalize differently. Values (health, wealth, happiness, friendships, etc.), attitudes (having a positive attitude or negative attitude about your work), beliefs (you’re not good at sports, you’re not attractive to the opposite sex, you’re great at office politics), important memories (past memories can influence current events), and life-changing or limiting decisions all have an effect on how each person’s unconscious mind controls his or her behavior. There are over 50 patterns that have been identified as meta programs. Think of a meta program as a sliding scale. For example, an individual might see the bigger picture more readily than the smaller details in his/her career life. However, that same person might flip and be very diligent about details when working on a special hobby or passion. As you listen to others more attentively, you’ll be able to discern some of their meta programs from their language even before you see their behavior displayed.

• Seven of the most readily identifiable patterns are:

proactive/reactive (let’s do it!/study the data)

variations/set process (possibilities/step-by-step)

moving towards/moving away from (attain/get rid of)

internal judgment/external acceptance (see for myself/expert opinion)

big chunks/little chunks (big picture/precise plan)

sameness/difference (as good as/no comparison)

past time/present time/future time (I was/I am/I will be)

8. NLP Techniques to Create Rapport: Questioning and the Meta Model, the Direct Approach versus

Erickson’s Indirect Approach

As mentioned in #6 previously, the NLP approach is to offer specific questions you can use to uncover the meaning behind the deletions,

distortions, and generalizations in someone’s speech patterns.

• Deletions: Our brains are being fed millions of pieces of information every day. As we speak to each other, we often leave out the specific details that communicate exactly what we mean. For example, if I tell you, “I bought a new dress” your mind starts thinking about the details of that dress before I ever let you know what color the dress is or what type of fabric. Sometimes deletions can point to areas that need further examination. For example, if I tell you “I’m horrible at taking tests” you could choose to accept that on face value or ask me questions about why I feel that way or which type of tests. This might show you that I have a phobia of test-taking and what past experience might have caused that phobia. For deletion, as part of the NLP questioning process, you can ask the subject “tell me more” or construct questions to find out “what, when, where, who, and how.”

• Distortions: Have you ever come out of a gathering with a group of people and when checking with each other you discover that none of you had the same perception about what actually took place? All of us use our own filters and meta programs to categorize experiences that we have. Experiences can sometimes be colored by our moods or what is happening in our lives at the time. Another example of distortion is “mind reading.” We can never know what other people are truly thinking but sometimes we think we do. For example, a woman comes home from her first day on the job and she says, “Everyone at work got quiet when I first walked in. I can tell they were wondering how I got a job at a fashion magazine when I don’t wear expensive clothes.” For distortion, as part of the NLP questioning process, you can ask the subject, “How do you know?” “How exactly does Effect A lead to Cause B?” “Who says and why do they say it?”

• Generalizations: In order to process all the information that comes into us, we need to categorize it. This is a useful process, but sometimes it leads to generalizations that aren’t correct or that cause us obstacles in our thinking and problem-solving abilities. Generalizations often use the words: always, never, must, should, never, all. For example, the statement “All mothers nag their children” is a generalization that isn’t true. Sometimes prejudices show up in generalizations as well. For example, “Asian women are bad drivers” or “Politicians are all corrupt.” We frequently have generalizations about our own behavior. For example, “I’m never going to learn to speak Russian. I don’t have a facility for languages.” For generalizations, as part of the NLP questioning process, you can ask the subject, “Always?” “Never?” “Every time?” “Just imagine you could, what would happen then?” “What happens if you decide to do it...?” “What stops you from moving forward?”

Examples of Patterns and NLP Questions 1 (category: type of pattern: what you may hear: possible

questions)

• Deletion: Simple deletion: I’ve been out of touch for a while: Where have you been? Why have you been out of touch?

• Deletion: Unspecified verbs: She really aggravates me: What did she do to aggravate you?

• Deletion: Unspecified nouns: He really taught me a lesson when he did that: What do you mean by lesson? What type of lesson?

Examples of Patterns and NLP Questions 2 (category: type of pattern: what you may hear: possible

questions)

• Deletion: Nominalization: Change is difficult: What type of change do you find difficult and why?

• Deletion: Judgments: I don’t have any common sense: Why do you feel that way? How would you describe common sense?

• Deletion: Comparisons: He thinks he’s better than me: In what way does he think he’s better? How do you know he feels that way?

Examples of Patterns and NLP Questions 3 (category: type of pattern: what you may hear: possible

questions)

• Distortion: Mind reading: I can tell she doesn’t like me: What does she do that makes you feel that way? How do you know that?

• Distortion: Cause and effect: I can tell I hurt her feelings: How did you do that? How can you tell she was hurt?

• Distortion: Complex equivalence: His desk is messy, so he must be disorganized: Why does a messy desk mean he’s disorganized? In what way do you feel he’s disorganized?

Examples of Patterns and NLP Questions 4 (category: type of pattern: what you may hear: possible

questions)

• Generalization: Universal quantifiers: I always drink three cups of coffee before noon: Every day? What would happen if you did it differently?

• Generalization: Modal operators of necessity: I have to be more ambitious: What would happen if you weren’t? Who says you need to be more ambitious?

• Generalization: Modal operators of possibility: I really can’t dance, I’m awkward: What stops you from trying? Is that really true? Who told you that?

9. NLP Techniques to Create Rapport: Understanding Sensory Words and Using Them to Break

Through Communication Barriers

One of the four main pillars of NLP is sensory awareness: As soon as we come into the world we begin to gather information from our five senses: seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling.

We often do these things without slowing down long enough to really experience them. How often have you listened to music and

really heard every note? How often have you eaten a good meal and really tasted every bite? NLP encourages each person striving for personal development to pay attention to how he or she takes

in and processes information. This process is in line with the spiritual awakening called mindfulness.

• Visual dimension: A large proportion of the population is visually oriented. They primarily process their sensory experience as pictures of what they have seen.

• Auditory dimension: People who are primarily auditory tune in to hear the different sounds present in their environments and experiences.

• Kinesthetic dimension: People who are primarily kinesthetic have a strong sense of body awareness through touch, smell, and taste. These physical sensations have a strong emotional component as well.

Recognizing Visual Language

• Think about the words you would use to describe something visual: bright, clear, color, shiny, perspective, dim, illuminated, insight, view, imagine, black and white. In NLP, sensory specific words are called predicates.

• A person who is primarily visual will use phrases like: “I can’t see what you’re saying” or “I can picture that experience.”

• Most people (60-65%) in the US and the UK are primarily visually oriented. In NLP speak, that means they have a visual representational system or visual modality. The submodalities for this representational system are characteristics such as color and brightness. If you are visual, you’ll need to work to add auditory and kinesthetic language to your hypnotic conversations.

Recognizing Auditory Language

• Think about the words you would use to describe something you hear: tell, sound, squeak, silence, melody, harmonize, resonate, tune in, tune out.

• A person who is primarily auditory will use phrases like: “That sounds like a plan” or “His attitude made me tune out.”

• About 30-35% of all people favor the auditory modality. If you are an auditory you’ll need to study how to present in a visual format with lots of images and visual words to capture the attention of those who favor the visual modality. You’ll also need lots of hands-on activities for those who are kinesthetic. Remember, no one is 100% at all times in a specific modality. It’s just the modality you favor that becomes your predominant system.

Recognizing Kinesthetic Language

• Think about the words you would use to describe something you feel, touch, taste, or smell: tap into, get hold of, catch on, grasp, hand in hand, rowdy, quiet, smelly, delicious.

• A person who is primarily kinesthetic will use phrases like: “I’ve got to get a grip on this process” or “I want to get a feel for where we’re headed.”

• About 5-10% of all people favor the kinesthetic modality. These people sometimes have a hard time learning with visuals and words. Hands-on activities get their learning jump-started. The visuals, words, and sounds make more sense to them in that context.

Bridging the Gap Between Different Styles

• As you learn more about your own preferred modality and the preferred modalities of those you live and work with, you can adapt your language to be in alignment with their preferred modality to achieve rapport.

• Scenario 1: Julie had a large class of over 20 students. At the beginning of the semester she had her students take a quick test to identify their preferred modalities. She then structured her presentations so they would appeal to all three types of students by including visual, auditory, and kinesthetic experiences. Students did well in her classes because she made so easy for them to learn.

• Scenario 2: Richard had to give an important company-wide presentation that showed areas where his restaurant chain needed improvements. Knowing that the group was so large there were bound to be people with varying VAK systems, he decided on a presentation that would appeal to everyone. He began with charts and diagrams and then moved into audio testimonials from customers. The audio interviews were followed by a role-playing activity where customer service people played the role of dissatisfied customers and managers had to switch roles with their subordinates. Everyone was engaged and came away with new benchmarks for improvements.

10. NLP Techniques to Create Rapport: Matching and Mirroring

with Nonverbal and Verbal Communication

What is Matching and Mirroring?

In order to develop rapport with someone you can take on their nonverbal and verbal style and make it your own. This process happens naturally when people get along with each other. If you watch at a distance, you can easily see it when two people have rapport or when they don’t. People who have rapport communicate like a cohesive dance of body postures, rhythm, and speech. Those that don’t sometimes grate against each other like fingernails on a blackboard.

• Who do you have rapport with? Think about your close personal and business relationships. How would you treat a close personal friend or a trusted colleague if he or she stepped into your office? How would you talk with them over the phone or communicate in email? Even though you may never have thought about it, your communication flows between you. It’s, for the most part, easy and comfortable.

• Who would you like to have rapport with? Business moves fast today. Everything we do has a speed component to it. You can’t develop lasting rapport quickly. However, if you apply the principles of matching and mirroring to your interactions with others, you can develop the first steps to rapport quickly. This is the beginning of developing a communication bridge to that individual or audience.

• Becoming skillful at matching and mirroring; there’s a fine line between delicately beginning to match and mirror someone else and mimicking them. Studies have shown that if there is a slight delay of about 4 seconds between when you observe and when you begin to parallel it, it’s more effective because the other person doesn’t pick up on it. There are really four major areas that you need to observe to become masterful at matching and mirroring: body postures and gestures; breathing rates; rhythm of movement and energy levels; and tone of voice coupled with speed of speech.

Body postures and gestures

• Example A: Mona noticed that two different managers had very different presentation styles. One used lots of gestures and flowing body movements to get across his ideas. The other had very carefully controlled movements and rarely used gestures. Mona had to work with both managers so it was a challenge to match and mirror each one of them when meeting with them separately. She did this in a careful way. She just dovetailed her movements to fit their styles.

• Example B: Matt was very energetic and moved around in an almost explosive way. His older boss seemed tired whenever he had to interact with Matt. Matt realized that if he slowed down just a little and sat across from his boss without jostling around too much, he was able to empathize with the older man’s tiredness and slower movements without becoming too obvious. They got along better as a result of Matt’s efforts.

• Example C: Amanda noticed that her sister got along with almost everyone she met. She observed that when her sister was explaining something or talking with others she spread out her arms and cupped her hands almost as if she was giving others a gift. Amanda worked to make her body movements more fluid, so she could have better rapport with others.

Breathing rates

• Example A: Dorothy noticed that when her clients first came into her hypnotherapy office they were breathing quick and hard from rushing to get there. Dorothy was relaxed since that was her general way of working so she quickened her breathing to pace with her clients. Eventually she slowed her breathing down gradually and found that many of her clients mirrored her behavior.

• Example B: John’s job involved cold calling to get business for his manufacturing firm. He often noticed the pace of his potential client’s breathing on the phone. The clients were frequently hassled and hurried. John’s normal manner of breathing and speaking was more measured, so he found a quick, concise way to give his message and breathed a little faster to mirror his potential clients. He was surprised when it worked and he was able to close more deals.

• Example C: Kelly worked in a senior retirement facility. She was normally high energy and breathed quickly as she walked about to take care of tasks. After a month she realized that she wasn’t establishing the type of rapport with the older residents that she’d hoped for. She slowed down her pace, breathing, and speech and began to get better results.

Rhythm of movement and energy levels

• Example A: Sally noticed that her elementary school pupils were hyper when they came into class in the mornings but tuckered out by the end of the day. She planned class activities and her own behavior to match her students to get better classroom cooperation and rapport.

• Example B: Reggie was coaching two political candidates. He noticed that candidate A was very stiff and candidate B was relaxed. Candidate A wasn’t establishing rapport with the audience and as a result the polls showed that the audience didn’t understand her views or policies. Reggie was able to coach candidate A to match her movements and energy level to those of successful candidate B.

• Example C: Dillon noticed that his sports coach was a very hyper guy. He had trouble understanding what he was getting at because he spoke so fast, moved so quickly, and held his body with so much energy. He seemed like he was vibrating when he spoke or offered suggestions. Dillon had come to the big city from a country town and even though he was a skilled athlete he didn’t feel rapport with his coach. He studied his coach for a while and slowly adopted some of his faster style. Once he did, they got to know each other and valued each other’s talents.

Tone of voice and speed of speech

• Example A: Both Emile and Andrew were experts in their fields and university professors. Students flocked to Emile’s classes but not to Andrew’s. When evaluators looked at their teaching styles they quickly noticed that Emile’s tone of voice was friendly and warm, while Andrew’s was cold and analytical. Andrew’s expert knowledge was falling on deaf ears because he hadn’t established rapport with his students.

• Example B: Ann and Amy were comparing notes. Both did most of their work on the telephone as customer service agents. Ann, however, was much more successful at handling calls rapidly and solving problems. When Amy asked her the secret of her success, Ann just smiled and said, “I ask a question that lets me hear the tone of voice and the speed of the customer’s speech. Then I try to alter my presentation to dovetail to what I’ve heard. It’s easy after that.”

• Example C: Maria was in a remote position writing educational materials. She only dealt with her boss on the phone and initially she thought that would be much easier than an office environment. However, her boss was very demanding and Maria noticed that she would get flustered and begin speeding up her speech while she was on the phone with him. The more flustered she would get, the more obvious it was to her boss. He measured his words and was almost analytical in his tone of voice and presentation. Maria worked hard to establish rapport with him. It was difficult for her, but she managed to talk in a more measured way even when she was put on the spot.

11: NLP Techniques to Create Rapport: Verbal Reframing

Events in our lives aren’t good or bad. We perceive them a certain way and sometimes the timeline proves us

wrong or right.

Most people aren’t receptive to something new unless they are in a positive frame of mind. In order to get someone into the frame of mind where they’re not steeped in negativity and are instead looking at their concern or problem from a different angle, reframing is an incredibly useful tool.

• For example, let’s say your colleague says, “I’m so tired of driving this beat-up car.” You could reframe that perception by saying, “I think you were smart to save your money by driving that car until you couldn’t drive it anymore. Then you’ll have a good down payment for the next car you decide to buy.” By reframing in this way, you’ve allowed your colleague to feel good about his decision and look forward to future possibilities.

• Once again, as with all hypnotic language, it’s important to make sure that you are subtle. If every time you have a conversation with someone you take his/her negativity and reframe it, your pattern will be noticed and possibly dismissed as unending optimism.

• Suppose someone says to you, “I can’t learn to snow ski no matter how much I try.” Immediately, the word “can’t” should be an alarm bell to you because it falls into the category of a modal operator of possibility. You can open up a discussion or another way of thinking by simply saying, “Oh, so you want to snow ski. Learning to snow ski is important to you? And, after more conversation, why do you want to learn to snow ski?”

There are many possible ways to reframe the same statement.

You can use reframing to uncover the details that will allow you to assist the individual who has made the statement in a specific way. For example, suppose someone tells you, “My current job isn’t going well and I feel incredibly depressed.”

• You could elicit the person’s values by asking: “What aspects of your job are important that you feel are going wrong?”

• You could reframe it to a positive intention: “The fact that it upsets you shows me that you care about your job.”

• You could use a step-down technique to get more details by asking: “Are there any particular tasks you’re asked to do that you don’t feel comfortable with?”

Think of yourself as an intention detective.

By reframing and asking the right questions you can find out what drives and motivates someone else. You can also point the direction for future changes.

• You can reframe it to a direction for changing the outcome: “The last time I felt that way, it was a clue that it was time for me to change jobs. Maybe you could think about that option.”

• You can change the timeline: “Sometimes there are phases in everyone’s work life that feel that way. Maybe you can ride it out until it gets better.”

• You can put a spotlight on it as a learning experience for the future: “Can you learn something useful for the future from the way things are going now?” Postscript: It’s important to remember that reframing doesn’t make problems go away. Instead it gives options for varying viewpoints so that you can attack a problem using different strategies.

Six-Step Reframing Process: Part 1

NLP uses a specific process to apply reframing. This may sound strange, but it’s frequently true that our conscious and unconscious minds are not in rapport with each other. You can work toward changing unwanted behavior by “talking to yourself” to reframe that behavior so that you can transform yourself. This same process can be used to help someone else you are coaching.

• Determine the behavior that you want to change. (For example, I don’t want to eat sweets when I’m upset.)

• Talk to the part of you that’s responsible for that behavior. (You may have to dig deep here. Why do I eat sweets when I’m upset? Why do I feel I can’t control my eating when I’m emotionally upset?)

• Separate the intention from the behavior. (My intention is to make myself feel better and ease the hurt.)

Six-Step Reframing Process: Part 2

• Ask the creative part of your mind to help you come up with new ways to accomplish the same goal. (Maybe there are other ways I can ease the hurt when I feel bad, like go for a walk in nature, or write in my journal, or watch an inspirational movie or meditate, etc.”

• Ask the part of you that had the previous behavior whether it will accept the new strategies for a few weeks. (For the next few weeks, I’d like to try some different strategies to see if I can change this behavior. Are you willing to try?)

• Check to see if there is any part of you that is rejecting the new strategies for behavior. You may have to come up with new options to please this part. (But if I stop eating when I’m upset, I’ll probably lose weight and I’ll feel less secure because my weight feels like a security blanket to me. What would make me feel more secure? What other strategies could I use to help this part of me?)

12. Rapport Language Patterns

The key to establishing rapport is listening with empathy and then aligning yourself with the person with whom you want to establish rapport. You will then pace, pace, pace before leading. During this process you will mirror body language, gestures, and language to align yourself closely with the other person or with the audience. You’ll pay close attention to sensory words and other meta model words that will give you an insight into how to harmonize with the

other person. After you’ve established rapport, you can use hypnotic language to lead your subject to a new state of mind,

whatever the goal of that new state of mind may be.

Language Pattern: Just pretend (fill in the blank)

• Example: Teacher to student: Just pretend that you’re Lindbergh as you’re about to take off in the Spirit of Saint Louis.

• Example: Family therapist: Just pretend that you’re in your dad’s shoes. How would you feel about your behavior?

Language Pattern: As soon as (fill in the blank), you’ll (fill in the blank)

• Example: Hypnotist to subject: As soon as you become fully relaxed, you’ll be able to tap into those inner memories that will help you solve this problem.

• Example: Coach to client: As soon as you realize that most people in the audience are just as scared of speaking in public as you are, you’ll begin to relax.

Language Pattern: Because (fill in the blank), so (fill in the blank)

• Example: Presenter to audience: Because you’re so fascinated with hypnotic language, you’ll be able to learn it quickly so you can integrate it into your conversation with ease.

• Example: Manager to employee: Because job performance is important to everyone in this department, you’ll make the effort so we can achieve our goal.

Language Pattern: A person can, you know (Insert Name) (fill in the blank)

(Note that addressing someone by name helps to establish rapport)

• Example: Sports coach to athlete: A person can, you know, Tom, excel at sports through peak performance training.

• Example: Salesperson to customer: A person can, you know, Amy, attract more business when you’re dressed for success. (notice the difference in subject from general to you)

Language Pattern: In a moment (fill in the blank)

• Example: Hypnotist to patient: In a moment, as you feel your body relaxing, you’ll start to think about a memory you haven’t had for a long time.

• Example: Presenter to audience: In a moment, we’ll travel to the future in a flying car that you can maneuver by thought controls.

Language Pattern: You could (fill in the blank), couldn’t you?

• Example: Car salesman to auditory customer: You could easily hear the ignition and the sound of your favorite soothing music inside this new car, couldn’t you?

• Example: Teacher to visual student: You could see yourself competing in the math contest and having your picture taken with that first prize, couldn’t you?

Language Pattern: I know you’re wondering (fill in the blank)

• Example: Arbitrator to kinesthetic client: I know you’re wondering why your neighbor cut down his oak tree without telling you. Can you get a grip on why someone might want to do that?

• Example: Saleswoman to visual client: I know you’re wondering how we can offer this cashmere sweater at such a low price. Can you see yourself wearing it?

Language Pattern: And you can experience (fill in the blank)

as if (fill in the blank)

• Example: Salesperson to visual customer: And you can experience relaxing on the beach with a cocktail in your hand as if you were already there.

• Example: Parent to teenager: And you can experience the joy you’re going to feel walking on that expansive campus as if you were already in college.

Language Pattern: Will you (fill in the blank) now

or (fill in the blank) later?

• Example: Hypnotherapist to client: Will you be able to get into a state of total relaxation now or will you find yourself becoming calmer and be able to completely relax a few minutes later?

• Example: Life coach to client: Will you be able to make that decision now or will you feel you need some more time and space to make that decision later?

Language Pattern: If you (fill in the blank), then (fill in the blank)

• Example: Politician to kinesthetic worker audience: If you know in your gut what’s right and what will help you build the future you want with your own hands, then you have no other choice than to vote for me.

• Example: Parent to child: If you know that what you did wasn’t respectful, then you’ll know how to apologize to your sister.

Language Pattern: It’s a good thing you’re (fill in the blank)

• Example: Salesperson to visual customer: It’s a good thing you’re open to how a property can look with improvements. If you can visualize how it will look after your renovations, then you’ll know what a great deal this home is. (notice the if/then at the end)

• Example: Teacher to audience: It’s a good thing you’re open to learning so you can take in the information from this course and become proficient at hypnotic language.

Language Pattern: You might (fill in the blank)

• Example: Weight loss consultant to client: You might notice that when you think about your past there are certain triggers that prompted you to gain weight. You can disassociate those triggers with weight gain by “reprogramming” your mind.

• Example: Addiction therapist to client: You might find that giving up smoking is easier for you than you thought, once you find something that fills you up in place of smoke.

Language Pattern: (fill in the blank) to the point where (fill in the blank)

• Example: Psychologist to phobic client: As you start to look at the way spiders move, live, and spin their delicate webs, you may get to the point where you’re actually fascinated by them instead of afraid.

• Example: Sports coach to client: As you practice, you’ll probably get to the point where your new golf swing comes so naturally you don’t have to think about it.

Language Pattern: (fact 1), (fact 2), (fact 3) and (fill in the blank)

• Example: Therapist to visual client: You have an unconscious and conscious part of your mind, you’re able to tap into memories of your past and project events in your future, you already have a storehouse of memories from the experiences you have...and you can change the way you perceive some of those memories if you reframe them with a new perspective.

• Example: Coach to entrepreneur: You already know what you want to do, you’re able to tap into your own resources as well as the resources of others to accomplish your goals, you can also tap into your unconscious mind to help you achieve your goals....and you’ll overcome your fears if you put all these resources together.

Language Pattern: It’s as if (fill in the blank)

• Example: Spa consultant to kinesthetic customer: It’s as if you’re floating on a cloud when I give you a soothing massage with these warm stones.

• Example: Teacher to student: When you read a great novel, it’s as if your mind enters another world and you can experience what the characters feel and how they lived.

Language Pattern: The more (fill in the blank), the more (fill in the blank)

• Example: Hypnotist to auditory subject: The more you listen to the tone of my voice, the more you’ll go into a quiet space where you can easily ignore ambient sounds and go into a trance.

• (12.16.2) Example: Sports coach to visual client: The more you visualize yourself making those touchdowns and the more you practice both on the field and in your mind, the more successful you’ll be.

Language Pattern: I’m not sure (fill in the blank)

• Example: Salesperson to customer: I’m not sure what features and benefits will convince you that these are the right appliances for your home.

• Example: Therapist to patient: I’m not sure whether you’ll decide to quit drinking today or whether you’ll need some time for us to get past the reasons why you’ve become dependent on alcohol.

Language Pattern: It’s not necessary (fill in the blank)

• Example: Salesperson to auditory customer: It’s not necessary for you to decide right now whether you want to listen to your feelings about this purchase.

• Example: Teacher to student: It’s not necessary to make studying an onerous chore. The more interested you get in the subject, the easier it is to learn and discover how that knowledge helps your life.

Language Pattern: Instantly, (fill in the blank)

• Example: Parent to kinesthetic child: Instantly, as you lay your head down on this soft, comfy pillow, you’ll feel how comfortable your bed is and you’ll drift off to sleep.

• Example: Therapist to visual subject: Instantly, as you visualize how wonderful you’ll look in a new dress dancing the night away on New Year’s, you’ll be able to make a commitment to your weight-loss plan.

Language Pattern: Now (fill in the blank)

• Example: Presenter to audience: Now, as you witness the events that are unfolding, now more than ever, you can make a renewed effort to help others who are less fortunate than you.

• Example: Manager to department: Now, as all of you wrap up this project, now, you can begin to start thinking about the actions needed for the next challenge awaiting you on Monday morning.

Language Pattern: When you (fill in the blank), you (fill in the blank)

• Example: Romantic partner interested in a date: When you see me now, you will remember how attractive you are to me and then maybe you’ll decide we should spend some time together.

• Example: Life coach to visual client: When you imagine yourself as successful, you will be able to see yourself doing your life’s work with passion and purpose.

Language Pattern: Consciously (fill in the blank),

while unconsciously (fill in the blank)

• Example: Teacher to hypnotic language students: Consciously you can hear the sound of my voice and you’re thinking about what I’m going to say next, but unconsciously you’re absorbing a lot of the hypnotic language patterns that have been taught in this course.

• Example: Life coach to subject: Consciously you’ll be writing your goals down every week, while unconsciously your mind will start generating ideas for how they can be achieved.

Language Pattern: As you (fill in the blank), so you (fill in the blank)

• Example: Parent to child: As you grow older, you become more aware of how what you do impacts others, so you can change your behavior to suit the group of people you’re with.

• Example: Hypnotist to visual subject: As you look at this picture it will help you so you remember something important that you had long forgotten.

Language Pattern: Notice (fill in the blank)

• Saleswoman to kinesthetic client: Notice that you can make a decision which of these sweaters you want by the feel of the cloth under your fingertips.

• Example: Voice coach to client: Notice how the tone of your voice has an impact on your audience. They may not realize it consciously but unconsciously your tone will determine whether they are receptive to your message or not.

Language Pattern: Have you ever (fill in the blank)

• Example: Life coach to client: Have you ever come to the end of a long project and realized with relief that you’ve successfully finished it?

• Example: Motivational speaker to audience: Have you ever completed something successfully and realized that you really never wanted it to end? Think back on a project that made you feel that way and you’ll know what peak performance is all about.