The Universal Blueprint Choose Your Own Parenting Solution Hint …parentstoolshop.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/ParentingSolution… · As this Hint Book guides you through the

The Universal Blueprint

Choose Your Own

Parenting Solution

Hint Book

by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE

The Universal Blueprint Choose Your Own Parenting Solution Hint Book®

Published by Ambris Publishing

P.O. Box 343

Springboro, OH, 45066

(937) 748-4541 g1-866-AMBRIS1 g fax (937) 748-4620 g www.ParentsToolshop.com

Order additional copies of this and other publications by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE bycontacting the publisher listed above.

Copyright © Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE 2004

Toolshop house diagrams © 1992. Revised 1998, 2000 in The Parents Toolshop First Edition.® ®

Decision-making flow chart © 1990. Revised 1998, 2000 in The Parents Toolshop First Edition.®

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronicor mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage and retrieval system,without written permission from the author. There are only two exceptions: (1) The inclusion of briefquotations in a review with the source stated. (2) The pages where permission is indicated, forpersonal use of the reader only. The reproduction of any part of this book for commercial use oras a replacement for purchasing the book (including educational purposes) is strictly-prohibited.Parent's Toolshop and Universal Blueprint are a registered trade/brand names. Unauthorized use® ®

of these names or the Universal Blueprint graphics and labels is prohibited by law. ®

Page 3

The Universal Blueprint®

Choose Your OwnParenting Solution

Hint Book

The "Universal Blueprint" brand name appears on resources that teach a one-of-a-kind®

effective-response planning formula first presented in The Parents' Toolshop book. ®

You can use this problem-solving, decision-making process in any relationship. Thisinteractive e-book will guide you through the process, step-by-step, as it applies toparents. Simply answer the question at each step, then click the link or turn to the pageyour answer leads you to. You will learn what to say and do at each step, based onyour answer. Use it over and over to find individualized solutions to any parentingchallenge.

As this Hint Book guides you through the problem-solving process, you will find a list oftools available at each step, two one-page summaries of the Universal Blueprint and®

several worksheets. For detailed information about using a tool, its advanced uses, howto adjust its use for children of different ages, examples of its use, applications tocommon real-life challenges involving children ages 1-18 and other extras like stories,practice exercises and indexes, read The Parents Toolshop . This Hint Book tells you what®

pages to read (in red) in The Parents Toolshop book if you want more information about®

that tool or step.

To begin planning a response, go to page 6

To view the Table of Contents, go to page 4

To get The Parents Toolshop book, ® go to page 35

Page 4

THE UNIVERSAL BLUEPRINT HINT BOOK®

Table of Contents - pg. 4

Identifying Problem Types - pg. 5

Is there a problem? - pg. 6Question #1: Is this a Child problem (C) or a Parent problem (P)? (Narrow it down.) - pg. 7Question #2: Is the misbehavior in this Parent problem Unintentional (PU)or "On purpose" (PO)? - pg. 8Question #3: If the behavior is "On purpose" (PO), what is the purpose? - pg. 9

PASRR Response Formula - pg. 10

Prevent problems from starting or worsening - pg. 11

• Foundation-Building Toolset - pg. 12

• Self-Esteem Toolset - pg. 13

• Cooperation Toolset - pg. 14

• Independence Toolset - pg. 15

What you say

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings or perspective - pg. 16

• Child Problem Toolbox: F-A-X Listening Toolset

Set limits or express concerns. (Parent problems) - pg. 17

• Keep Your Cool Toolset - pg. 18

• Clear Communication Toolset - pg. 19

What you do

Redirect misbehavior (PU or PO).

• PU Toolset (Unintentional Misbehavior) - pg. 20

• PO Toolset ("On Purpose" Misbehavior): Attention (pg. 21), Power (pg. 22), Revenge (pg. 23), Givingup (pg. 24)

Reveal discipline or take action.

• Discipline Toolset - pg. 25

Now follow through!

Maintain Progress - pg. 26

• Family Council Toolset - pg. 27

• Three C's: Consistency, Criticism, Confidence - pg. 28

Extras: Handouts & Worksheets

Trouble-Shooting Tips - pg. 29

Table Overview - pg. 30

Detailed House - pg. 31

Problem-Solving Worksheet - pg. 32

Anger Log - pg. 33

Decision-Making Worksheet - pg. 34

Book Order form - pg. 35

To start over, go to page 3 Page 5

IDENTIFYING PROBLEM TYPES

See an on-line video of some hand signals that will help you learn and remember these 3 Questions:

http://www.jodypawel.com/video/UBhandsignals/

QUESTION #1: Is this a Child (C) or a Parent problem (P)? (Narrow it down.) (pg. 7)

• Child problems - involve areas of responsibility that belong to the child: "PESS" —Peers, Emotions, Siblings, School

• Parent problems - involve "SHARP RV" --- Safety, Health, Appropriateness, Rights,Property, Rules, Values

QUESTION #2: Is the misbehavior in this Parent problem Unintentional (PU) or "Onpurpose" (PO)? (pg. 8)

• Yes or No: Has this child consistently shown that he or she has mastered the skills tobehave properly in this situation? (Narrow it down.)

QUESTION #3: If the behavior is "On purpose" (PO), what is the purpose? (pg. 9)Attention, Power, Revenge, Giving up

Combination Child/Parent problems: (TPT pg. 61) (pg. 7)Identify the problem type for each part.

• C/P = Part Child problem and part Parent problem involving no misbehavior.

• C/PU = Part Child problem and part Parent problem involving Unintentionalmisbehavior.

• C/PO = Part Child problem and part Parent problem involving "On purpose"misbehavior.

i As you answer these three questions, keep these important points in mind:

• Answer the three questions based on who is involved and the situation you arefacing at that moment.

• One behavior can be more than one type of problem, depending on how weanswer the questions.

• If you misjudge the problem or it shifts from one type to another, adjust your skillsaccordingly.

For more details about problem identification, read The Parents Toolshop , ® pages 56-57and 61-75.

To see an overview of the Universal Blueprint problem-solving process see any of the®

following:

• Table Overview (pg. 30)

• Detailed House (pg. 31)

http://www.jodypawel.com/video/UBhandsignals/

To start over, go to page 3Page 6

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

If "no"

• Go to pg. 11 to learn what you can do to prevent problems from starting.

• Go to pg. 26 to learn what you can do to maintain progress.

If "yes," go to pg. 7 to identify what type of problem it is.

For detailed information about the 3 questions (pg. 5) that identify the type of problemand the PASRR formula (pg. 10), read The Parents Toolshop , Chapter 3 (® pgs. 54-84) orclick on the related links in this paragraph for a quick recap of each.


QUESTION #1:Is this a Child (C) or a Parent problem (P)? (Narrow it down.)

Child problems usually involve an area of responsibility that belongs to the child:"P-E-S-S."

Peers, Emotions, Siblings, School.

Go to pg. 16 if this is a Child problem. (TPT pgs. 165-168)

Parent problems usually involve issues that concern parents: "S-H-A-R-P R-V."

Safety, Health, Appropriateness, Rights, Property,Rules, Values

Go to pg. 17 if this is a Parent problem. (TPT pgs. 229-230)

Combination Child/Parent problems: (TPT pg. 61)Identify the problem type for each part.

• C/P = Part Child problem and part Parent problem involving no misbehavior.

• C/PU = Part Child problem and part Parent problem involving Unintentionalmisbehavior.

• C/PO = Part Child problem and part Parent problem involving "On purpose"misbehavior.

Address the Child problem first.

Select tools from the Child or Parent Problem Toolbox according to how much of theproblem is the child’s and how much is the parent’s.


If there is misbehavior involved, ask:QUESTION #2: Is the misbehavior PU or PO?

Consider whether the misbehavior is the result of: (TPT pg. 65)

• The child’s immaturity or developmental stage

• The child’s personality (it doesn’t come naturally)

• An accident

• A medical condition that could be influencing the child’s self-control.

• A lack the information; the child doesn't "know better."

Keep these important points about PU and PO misbehavior in mind:

• When in doubt, assume the behavior is PU.

• Even if you’ve "told them a million times," it does not mean children know better.

• "Unintentional" is not an excuse.

• PU behavior can turn into PO behavior if we react to it or respond unhelpfully.

Ask: Has this child consistently shown that he or she has mastered the skills to behaveproperly in this situation? (Narrow it down.)

No = PU problem (Parent problem with Unintentional misbehavior). The child has notshown consistent mastery of the proper behavior skills. If this is your answer, go to pg.20 to see your response options.

Yes = PO problem (Parent problem with "On purpose" misbehavior). The child hasshown consistent mastery of the proper behavior skills and this behavior seemsdeliberate. If this is your answer, go to pg. 9 to identify the goal of the behavior.

For more details about identifying and responding to PU behavior, read TPT pages 66-68and Chapter 11 (pages 287-318).For more details about identifying and responding to PO behavior, read TPT pages 68-70and Chapter 12 (pages 319-350).


If there is PO misbehavior, ask. . .QUESTION #3: What is the purpose?

If YOU feel... annoyed, irritated, tired, or hounded AND you are tempted to... remind,nag, and push away, then the goal is attention. Go to pg. 21 for your response options.

If YOU feel... others are challenging your authority AND you are tempted to... argue,punish, or give in, then the goal is power. Go to pg. 22 for your response options.

If YOU feel ... hurt, shocked, or disgusted AND you are tempted to... show hurt or hurtback, then the goal is revenge. Go to pg. 23 for your response options.

If YOU feel ... frustrated, discouraged, or hopeless AND you are tempted to... rescue,pressure, criticize, praise, or expect less, then the goal is giving up. Go to pg. 24 foryour response options.

For detailed information about PO misbehavior (Parent problem with "On purpose"misbehavior), read The Parents Toolshop , Chapter 12 (® pgs 319-350).


PASRR Response Formula(pronounced "passer")

Prevent the problem from starting or worsening -- go to pg. 11

Build self-esteem (pg. 11),

boost cooperation (pg. 12) and/or

promote independence (pg. 13).

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings or perspective -- go to pg. 16

"It sounds like you want/feel..." (If it's a Child problem, stop here and use F-A-X pg.14.)

Set limits or express concerns -- go to pg. 17

"I am concerned about that because..." (If there's no misbehavior, stop here.)

Redirect misbehavior

If it's PU (pg. 20) --- teach skills

If it’s PO (pg. 9) --- show children how to reach their goals through positive behavior.

Reveal discipline or take action -- go to pg. 25

If you choose to ___, I'll know you've decided to ___."

i As you follow the PASRR effective-response formula, keep these important points inmind:

• Always follow the PASRR response formula’s steps in order.

• Every response can begin at Step A, but may not have to go further, depending onthe type of problem or response we get.

• You can take all the steps in one response or in several responses at different times.

• If you’ve taken PASRR steps in the past with the same problem, you can pick upwhere you left off the next time.

• At each step, we can use any toolset from previous steps.

For more information about the PASRR formula, read TPT pages 57-59.

Use the Decision-Making Worksheet (pg. 34) to plan a PASRR response.


Prevent problems from starting or worsening withTHE PREVENTION TOOLBOX

Foundation-Building Toolset (have and keep a "Balanced" parenting style)

For descriptions of the 5 parenting styles, go to pg. 12

Self-Esteem Toolset (descriptive encouragement -- or "D.I.P.")

For more ideas and details on building self-esteem, go to pg. 13

Cooperation Toolset (choices in limits, Don't say "Don't")

For more ideas and details on engaging cooperation, go to pg. 14

Independence Toolset (teach skills)

For more ideas and details on boosting independence, go to pg. 15

For a summary of the Prevention Toolbox, read The Parents Toolshop ® pgs. 19-20


Maintain a Balanced Parenting Style with the FOUNDATION-BUILDING TOOLSET

See an on-line video of a Parenting Style Show from one of my workshops:

http://www.jodypawel.com/video/StyleShow/

Power Patrols want obedient children, so they seek power and control. Teach childrenself-control by setting bottom-line limits and allowing choices within them. Watch yourtone of voice and body language. Be firm, not intimidating, so you get respect, not fear.

Perfectionist Supervisors want children to do things the "right way" (their way) so theymicro-manage their lives. Good problem solvers are experienced, so give childrenpractice! Avoid guilt trips and lectures. Teach skills and let children find their own style offollow through.

Over-Indulgers want happy children, so they give too much and rescue children fromconflict and disappointment. These good intentions rob children of opportunities tolearn about real life. Teach healthy coping skills, be supportive and loving, but don’ttake over or bail them out!

Avoiders want parenting to be easy and conflict-free, so they withdraw fromchallenges. When parents teach skills, children become independent andresponsible—and parenting is easier and less stressful!

Balanced Parents want to raise self-sufficient, self-disciplined adults, so they teachchildren values and skills. Seek win/win solutions by listening to children and involvingthem in problem solving. Become the kind of person you want your children tobecome.

If our style is "imbalanced," it can lead to long-term problems. If we have a "balanced"parenting style, we still have a wide range of options available to us, but each is healthyand effective in helping us reach our long-term parenting goals.

What is your parenting style? Take the quiz on pages 26 & 27 of The Parents Toolshop or on-line at ®

http://www.ParentsToolshop.com/HTML/quiz.htm. Choose the response that most closely matches whatyou would actually do or say, not what you think is the "right" response (because there is no "right" or"wrong" in parenting — just "more effective" and "less effective"). Then follow the suggestions above to getin the "balanced" zone.

For detailed information about Parenting Styles, read The Parents Toolshop , Chapter 2,®

Foundation-Building Toolset (pgs. 21-52)For more Prevention Tools, go to pg. 11To go to the next PASRR step, Acknowledge feelings, go to pg. 16

http://www.jodypawel.com/video/StyleShow/

http://www.ParentsToolshop.com/HTML/quiz.htm


SELF-ESTEEM TOOLSET

Avoid PRAISE, which uses judgmental labels that create a dependence on pleasingothers.

Use ENCOURAGEMENT, which uses descriptive words that foster internal motivation.

Remember "D.I.P.":

• Describe effort, improvement, or the child's feelings. (Instead of "You did a 'good'job," describe what made it "good.") Focus on...

• Internal qualities. (Instead of "I think," "I like" or "I'm so proud of you," say, "What doyou think?" "What do you like?" "I bet you're proud of yourself!") Notice what is...

• Positive and/or "right." Decide how important it is to point out what's wrong now.Teach skills later, if possible.

Also:

Show Unconditional Love

• Describe each child’s special qualities; avoid "I love you the same."

• Give according to individual needs; avoid getting hooked in the "equal" or "fair"game.

Free children from roles and labels, both positive and negative.

Avoid Comparisons

• Describe what that person did, without any reference to others.

• Discourage unhealthy competition. Focus on doing one’s best.

Use Mistakes as Opportunities to Learn

• Help children develop the courage to try.

• Have realistic expectations. Encourage children to do their best.

For detailed information about the Self-Esteem Toolset's teachings, read The Parent'sToolshop , Chapter 4 (® pgs. 85-112)

For more Prevention Tools, go to pg. 11

To go to the next PASRR step, Acknowledge feelings, go to pg. 16


COOPERATION TOOLSET

Avoid Bribes, Rewards and Incentives — they create dependency on payoffs and stifleself-motivation. (See an on-line video at: http://www.jodypawel.com/video/charts)

Plan Ahead — describe the behavior you want to see and get agreements.

Offer Choices (See an on-line video at: http://www.jodypawel.com/video/Choices/)

• Figure out and state your bottom-line (non-negotiable) — go as low as you can!

• Offer choices within the bottom line limits.

• If there is no choice about if something happens, give choices for when or how.

• Choices involve the following types of statements:

“Which would you like?”

“How many do you want?”

“Do you want to ___ or___?”

“When do you plan to ___?”

“You can ___ or ___, you decide.”

“How do you plan to ___?”

Don’t Say "Don’t" (and "stop," "quit") (See an on-line video at:http://www.jodypawel.com/video/Dont )

• Children do what they see or what others describe.

• Describe what they can do or the behavior you want to see.

No No’s — without saying "no," mean it by:

• Giving a conditional ‘yes.’

• Offering an acceptable alternative.

• Stating a reason.

• Giving information.

• Recognizing feelings.

• Saving "no" for dangerous issues or emergencies.

Use Humor

Make it Child-friendly

Be Polite, but Don’t Plead

Follow Rules for Setting Rules

• Use general, simple, positive terms that state your bottom line. Have one or twouniversal rules that cover the bases ("Respect yourself, others and yourenvironment") instead of many specific rules.

Establish Routines

For detailed information about the Cooperation Toolset, read The Parent's Toolshop ,®

Chapter 5 (pgs. 113-136)For more Prevention Tools, go to pg. 11To go to the next PASRR step, Acknowledge feelings, go to pg. 16

http://www.jodypawel.com/video/charts

http://www.jodypawel.com/video/Choices/

http://www.jodypawel.com/video/Dont


INDEPENDENCE TOOLSET

Openly Model Behavior

• Talk out loud to yourself when you are using internal skills (anger management, notprocrastinating), so these internal skills are observable to children.

Teach Skills

• Plan Ahead.

• Let children do things their way.

• Explain the value of the skill.

• Offer choices.

• Break the task into smaller steps.

• Work together.

• Let children watch.

• Make it fun and "child-friendly."

• Let children try.

• Offer encouragement at every step.

Give a Quick Tip -- "Sometimes it's helpful if..." or "I do this...but you can do it your way."

Let Children Be Responsible for Their Mistakes

Let Children Do Things by Themselves

Notice the Difficulty -- "That's easy" is discouraging.

Let Children Help You

Ask Their Opinion

Wait Before Answering Questions -- "What do you think?" Usually, when children ask a question, they've already thought about the answer.

Show Children How to Use Outside Resources

Respect Children's Privacy -- establish a short "need to know" list.

Let Children Dream

Nudge, but Don't Push -- encourage them to take the next step, not do it all --- perfectly--- at once.

Let Go and Trust

For detailed information about the Independence Toolset's teachings, read The Parent'sToolshop , Chapter 5 (® pgs. 137-164)For more Prevention Tools, go to pg. 11To go to the next PASRR step, Acknowledge feelings, go to pg. 16


Acknowledge the child's feelings with theCHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX and F-A-X LISTENING

In Parent problems, Acknowledge the child's feelings with the first step of F-A-X listening:Focus on feelings. To review tools from the previous PASRR step, "Prevent problems. . . " go to pg. 11 To take the next PASRR step, "Set limits and express concerns," go to pg. 17

In Child problems, use all the steps below:

• Avoid taking over their problem.

• Start where the child is at — don’t push your views or solutions.

Focus on feelings (TPT pgs. 169-194)

1. Identify the feeling

2. Identify the thought or the event causing the feeling.

3. Summarize in your own words what you think they mean.

• "Correct me if I’m wrong, but . . ." • "Are you saying . . .?" • "So you think/feel . . ." • "From your point of view . . ."

• "Are you thinking/feeling . . .?" • "Do you wish . . .?" • "You sound like you’re feeling . . ." • "So you believe/think/feel . . .?"

Keep reflecting as long as the child is talking about feelings. If the child is confused ormisinterpreting the situation, move to next step.

Ask helpful questions (TPT pgs. 195-200)

• Ask open-ended questions to invite sharing, avoid yes/no answers.

• Clarify details so children understand why something happened.

• Restate possible mistaken beliefs so children can hear them differently.

• Give pearls of wisdom, not lectures.

• Guide others through the logic, to consider important points—without giving advice.

If you and the child understand the problem, but need a solution, move to the nextstep.

X-amine possible solutions (BED method) (TPT pgs. 200-205)

1. Brainstorm ideas. All ideas are okay. Simply list them.

2. Evaluate each idea. "What would happen if you did this?"

3. Decide on a solution.

4. Plan the details and/or practice.

5. Commit to a trial period. Agree to meet again if the plan doesn’t work.

Use the Problem-Solving Worksheet on page 32 to record feelings and ideas. Directionsare on pg. 203 of TPT.

Read possible solutions to more than a dozen Child problems in The Parents Toolshop ,®

pgs. 206-223


PARENT PROBLEMS

Parent problems - involve "S-H-A-R-P R-V" issues: (TPT pgs. 62-64)

Safety, Health, Appropriateness, Rights, Property, Rules, Values

To give a PASRR response to Parent problems, parents want to:

Use Prevention tools before or during their response. To review these, go to pg. 11

Acknowledge the child's feelings. To review this first step of the F-A-X Listening process,go to pg. 16

Keep Your Cool (go to pg. 18 for a review) and

Set limits and/or express concerns, using the Clear Communication Toolset (go to pg. 19for a review.)

Keep in mind these important points about Parent problems:

6. If we have already taken PASRR steps in the past and the same situation occurs, wecan pick up where we left off.

7. Just because a situation is a Parent problem does not mean the parent is alwaysresponsible for resolving the problem. The parent is responsible for raising the issueand skillfully getting agreements for what the child can do to help solve theproblem.

If this is a Parent problem, is there any misbehavior involved?

If there is no misbehavior, it is a 100% Parent Problem. Only take the steps above.

If there is misbehavior, identify what type of misbehavior it is. Go to pg. 8 to answer.


KEEP YOUR COOL TOOLSET

Steps of Constructive Anger/Stress Management

a. Become aware of your anger cycle EVENT ——> BELIEF —-> FEELING —> RESPONSE Changing "beliefs" affects the rest of the anger cycle.

Use an “Anger Log” to reprogram “trigger buttons.” (See pg. 33. See TPT pgs.253–255 for directions.)

Passive anger = stuffs and denies feelings. Aggressive anger = takes out emotions on others. Passive-Aggressive anger = hurts others in passive ways. Assertive anger = a balanced, honest, respectful response.

b. Relieve the pressure of anger and stress

Where you go depends on your "recharge" style:

Internal rechargers get their energy from within themselves.External rechargers get their energy from outside themselves.

What you do depends on the type of energy you experience: Verbal anger energy = feel like yelling, screaming, cussing, etc. Physical anger energy = feel like hitting, stomping, slamming, etc. Verbal & Physical anger energy = feel like yelling and hitting

Personalize your program: P/I, V/I, P/E, V/E, VP/I, VP/E.

c. Plan an assertive response to the problem using the Clear Communication Toolset.Go to pg. 19 for more details.

For detailed information about the Keep Your Cool Toolset's teachings, read TheParent's Toolshop , Chapter 9 (® pgs. 231-256)


Set limits and/or express concerns with theCLEAR COMMUNICATION TOOLSET

Describe What You SEE --- "I see. . ." Take out the word you. Use sometimes and someone.

Describe How You FEEL --- "When I see ___, I feel ___" Own your feelings. Avoid shaming.

Describe the Negative Effect of the Behavior --- "When ____, this happens. . ."

Describe What You Want, Expect, or What Needs to Be Done --- "I expect . . ."

State the Rules or Limits --- "In this family, we ____" State the bottom line. Don’t assume people know your rules.

Get Eye-to-eye Agreements --- shake on it, get a nod, or have them repeat it.

Quick Reminders Use nonverbal signals, one word, flash codes, or notes.

Two-party Problem Solving

1. Define the problem.

a. Introduce the problem topic.

b. Invite the other person to share his/her perspective.

c. Ask if the other person is willing to listen to your concerns.

d. Share your perspective.

e. Summarize the problem for each person.

2. Brainstorm ideas.

3. Evaluate the options.

4. Decide on a plan.

5. Follow-up.

For detailed information about the Clear Communication Toolset's teachings, read TheParent's Toolshop , Chapter 10 (® pgs. 257-286)

To go back to the previous PASRR step "Acknowledge Feelings," go to pg. 16To go to the next PASRR step "Redirect Misbehavior," go to pg. 8


Redirect PU misbehavior with thePU TOOLSET

To give a PASRR response, parents want to:

Use Prevention tools before or during their response. To review these, go to pg. 11

** In PU behavior, be sure to teach skills as part of your response. "When people want ___, they (teach skills). You can (offer choices)."

Acknowledge the child's feelings. To review this first step of the F-A-X Listening process,go to pg. 16. "I can see you want/feel ______."

Keep Your Cool (go to pg. 18 for a review) and

Set limits and/or express concerns, using the Clear Communication Toolset (go to pg. 19for a review.)

"My concern is (briefly state limits/concerns in positive terms -- what the child cando)."

Redirect the PU misbehavior:

• When appropriate, ignore behavior.

• Offer an acceptable alternative.

• Distract by changing the focus or subject.

• Use Environmental Engineering to control situations, not the child.

• Target PU behaviors, identify their triggers, and plan a strategy.

Reveal discipline. For ideas, go to pg. 25.

For detailed information about the PU Toolset's teachings, read The Parent's Toolshop ,®

Chapter 11 (pgs. 287-318)


Redirect PO misbehavior with the goal ofATTENTION

Positive belief: Involvement, belonging, to feel important.Negative belief: "I only belong if I’m noticed."

Avoid: Only noticing negative behavior or giving special service on demand.

PASRR response:

Prevent the problem from starting or worsening: Especially use the Self-Esteem Toolset(pg. 13).

• Plan ahead.

• Spend time together.

• Give attention unexpectedly.

• Involve child.

• Recognize efforts.

Acknowledge the child's feelings: Go to pg. 16 for ideas.Children who want attention are usually feeling lonely, unimportant, rejected, orforgotten.

Set limits or state concerns. Go to pg. 19 for ideas.

Redirect the misbehavior:

• Stop once.

• In one sentence, use the PASRR formula.

• Offer acceptable activities.

• Then ignore the behavior, not the child.

• Involve child, if possible.

• Give attention for positive behavior.

• Use prevention tools above.

Reveal Discipline: Go to pg. 25 for ideas.

* Only discipline after breaking the PO cycle. Immediate discipline, as a first response,gives negative attention, which is better than no attention.

For detailed information about this PO goal, read The Parent's Toolshop , (® pgs. 322-325)


Redirect PO misbehavior with the goal ofPOWER

Positive belief: "I want to make decisions and have some control in my life."Negative belief: "I only belong if I’m in control."

Avoid: arguing or giving in. Break the cycle before disciplining.

PASRR response:

Prevent the problem from starting or worsening, especially use the Cooperation Toolset(pg. 14):

• Offer choices within limits.

• Ask for their help.

• Build teamwork.

• Word limits in positive words.

• Involve in decisions.

• Teach skills and let go.

Acknowledge the child's feelings: Go to pg. 16 for ideas.Children who want power are usually feeling frustrated, disappointed or out ofcontrol.


Redirect misbehavior:

• Keep your cool.

• Be kind and firm.

• Use bottom line limits and offer choices one last time.

• Decide what you will do, not what you’ll make child do.

• Disengage, emotionally and/or physically.

• Use prevention skills above.


* Only discipline after breaking the PO cycle. Immediate discipline, as a first response,escalates PO behavior or gives it a payoff. Children interpret discipline as a power playpunishment and may seek revenge.



Redirect PO misbehavior with the goal ofREVENGE

Positive belief: "Good deeds deserve repayment."Negative belief: "I must hurt others who hurt me."

Avoid: Hurting back or showing hurt. Break cycle before disciplining.

PASRR response:

** Disengage. Cool off FIRST ** – go to pg. 18

Prevent the problem from starting or worsening:

• Use listening (pg. 16) and communication (pg. 19) to avoid hurting feelings.

• Teach assertive, respectful conflict resolution skills.

Acknowledge the child's feelings: Children who want revenge are usually feeling hurt orangry. Use F-A-X (pg. 16) listening first.

• Rebuild trust.

• Acknowledge child’s hurt first, before addressing revengeful behavior.

• Brainstorm acceptable anger alternatives.



• Suggest child make amends for hurt.



* Only discipline after breaking the PO cycle. Immediate discipline, as a first response,becomes a revenge weapon of punishment. It feeds the revenge cycle.



Redirect PO misbehavior with the goal ofGIVING UP

Positive belief: Withdrawal. "I can avoid conflict when it’s healthy to do so." "I want reassurance."Negative belief: "I don’t belong because I’m incompetent." "Don’t expect anythingfrom me."

Avoid: Praise, all criticism and comparisons. Don’t rescue, give up, or pity.

PASRR response:

Prevent the problem from starting or worsening:

• Describe any effort or improvement (pg. 13)

• Teach skills (pg. 15)

Acknowledge the child's feelings. Go to pg. 16 for ideas: Children who are giving up are usually feeling deeply discouraged, frustrated, orconfused.



• Break task into smaller parts.

• Focus on any effort or improvement, no matter how small.

• Express faith in abilities.

• Build on interests and strengths.

• Use problem-solving.



* Only discipline after breaking the PO cycle. Immediate discipline, as a first response,escalates PO behavior or gives it a payoff. Children who are giving up feel even morediscouraged and incompetent.

For detailed information about this PO goal, read the Parent's Toolshop , (® pgs. 331-333)


Reveal discipline with theDISCIPLINE TOOLSET

* Only discipline after breaking PO cycles (pg. 9) and using the previous PASRR (pg. 10)steps. Immediate discipline, as a first response, will not be as effective and runs the riskof escalating PO behavior or giving it a payoff.

Discipline vs. Punishment • Discipline helps children learn from mistakes, not suffer for them. Focus on solutions,

not blame or shame.

• Children are responsible for learning to control their own behavior.

The 4 R's of DisciplineFor discipline to be effective and not be punishment, it must be all of the following:

• Respectful to both parent and child and respectfully stated as a choice.

• Revealed in advance, whenever it's possible,

• Logically Related to the misbehavior.

• Reasonable in time (duration) or extent (not too much/hard).

Discipline Tools

• Show children how to make amends.

• Offer choices. Alter the focus of the choices as issues shift.

• Take action. Decide what you will do, not what you will make children do.

• Allow natural consequences. They happen if parents do nothing to rescue. Only useif they are quick and safe. Ask, "What did you learn?"

• Apply Restrictions that are logically related to an abuse of a privilege or right. Don’trestrict responsibilities or privileges children already earned.

• Use Problem Solving to prevent, reveal, or decide discipline. "I am concerned about(misbehavior). What can we do about that?"

• Reveal Logical Consequences that meet the Four R’s. Use them sparingly.

• Use Self-control Time-outs that teach anger and stress management.• Choose the location based on the child’s internal/external recharge style.• Allow children to do calming activities (verbal/physical anger energy). • Time-outs are over when children have calmed down. No timers! • When a time-out is over, it’s over, unless problem solving is needed.

"If you choose to (misbehavior), I’ll know you’ve decided to [give up] . You’ll have another chance to show me you can (positive behavior) (when/soon)."

For detailed information about the Discipline Toolset's teachings, read The Parent'sToolshop , Chapter 13 (® pgs. 351-382)

Use the Decision-Making Worksheet on page 34 to plan a PASRR response. To maintain progress, go to pg. 26.

For trouble-shooting tips, go to page 29.


MAINTENANCE TOOLBOX

(TPT pgs. 383-384)

To review how to hold Family Councils, go to pg. 27.

To review the 3 C's: Consistency, Criticism, Confidence, go to pg. 28.

To begin a new problem-solving session, go to pg. 6.

To see a list of all the different toolsets and files, go to pg. 4.


FAMILY COUNCIL TOOLSET

• The purpose of family councils is to have regularly scheduled time together to builda sense of unity, make decisions, resolve problems, and teach values and life skills.Council meetings are useful for any family, school, or group.

• Every member has a role. Necessary roles are the Leader, Recorder, Ice Breaker,and Anchor. Optional roles are the Discussion Topic Leader and Snack, Game,Entertainment, or Lesson Planner.

• Start with those who are willing to attend; include anyone who lives with the family.Let everyone know they are welcome to attend, when they are ready. Never punishsomeone for not attending.

• Meet regularly, not just to discuss problems. Avoid skipping meetings because youare too busy.

• Start positive and end positive. Keep an atmosphere of mutual respect.

• Start and end on time and set time limits on discussions.

• Discuss issues that affect the entire family. Individuals can ask for family input onpersonal issues. Never handle individual discipline in a family council. Holdmaintenance meetings to discuss how councils are going.

Ground rules:

• Express yourself respectfully, with no name-calling or blaming.

• Everyone’s opinions and feelings are okay; listen with respect.

• Limit griping; turn the complaint into a suggestion.

• Focus on goals and solutions, not problems. Don’t get side-tracked.

• Get children involved in suggesting solutions. Allow all ideas.

• Give everyone an equal chance to share feelings and ideas.

• Reach win/win solutions everyone agrees with. Don’t vote.

• If you can’t reach a consensus, table the issue until you reach a final decision oragree on a trial period. Reserve "executive decision-making privilege" for criticalemergency decisions.

• All decisions hold firm until the next family council.

For detailed information about the Family Council Toolset's teachings, read the Parent'sToolshop , Chapter 14 (® pgs. 385-408)To begin a new problem-solving session, go to pg. 6.To see a list of all the different toolsets and files, go to pg. 4.


THE THREE C’S: CONSISTENCY, CRITICISM, CONFIDENCE

Maintaining CONSISTENCY

• True consistency is staying on the same path or getting back on it when we stray.

• It’s important to follow the same parenting plan away from home that we use athome.

• Support your partner with your skills.

• Live the skills, don’t preach about them.

• Only give advice in a way that makes other people feel supported and betterabout themselves.

Responding to CRITICISM and Unhelpful Advice

• Screen other parenting resources for advice that is accurate, consistent with yourphilosophy, and compatible with your long-term goals. Ignore any advice that getsin the way of these goals or reduces communication and mutual respect in yourfamily.

• Adult behavior can be unintentional or intentional, just like children’s. Use theUniversal Blueprint to plan responses to problems in all your relationships. ®

• Seek the value in criticism, instead of reacting to the way someone said it.

• If you have consistently tried to use effective communication skills to respond totoxic people, it may be time to set limits.

Maintaining Your CONFIDENCE

• Look at how far you’ve come.

• Educate yourself.

• Surround yourself with supportive people.

• Encourage yourself.

For detailed information about the 3 C's Toolset's teachings, read the Parent's Toolshop ,®

Chapter 15 (pgs. 408-427)To begin a new problem-solving session, go to pg. 6.To see a list of all the different toolsets and files, go to pg. 4.


TROUBLE-SHOOTING TIPS

The tools you’ve learned have been used by thousands of parents, recommended byprofessionals, and proven to have long-term effectiveness for several decades. If youdon’t see results, consider the six reasons even effective parenting skills might not work.(See an on-line video of a demonstration of this at: http://www.jodypawel.com/video/Hammer/)

1. Choose the best tool for the job. Different tools accomplish different goals. Use thethree questions and PASRR formula to plan a response you think will best meet yourgoal. If the response doesn’t work, check to see that you’ve correctly identified thetype of problem you are facing or choose a different tool at the step that seemednot to work.

2. Use the tools in the proper order. Some tools work best if parents use them afterother tools. Follow the PASRR formula. If a response doesn’t work, check to see if youskipped steps.

3. Use the tool properly. Many parenting tools are easy to misuse. If a tool doesn't seemto work, consider how you used it. Pay attention to your attitude, body language,tone of voice, words and actions; they all influence how your message is received.

4. Use the tools consistently, long enough for change to occur. Instead of trying adifferent approach each time the same problem occurs, use the PASRR formula tocreate a response that has the best chance of succeeding. Then use it consistentlyfor several days or weeks. Sometimes things might seem to get worse before theyget better. For example, if you’ve not set limits in the past, children might test you tosee if they can get you to give in. Sometimes, change is taking place on the inside,without any obvious change on the outside. If it has taken some time for a problemto develop, it may take some time to change. Be patient and consistent.

5. Examine your beliefs; they can change the effectiveness of the tool. Becomeconscious of inaccurate or unhealthy beliefs that interfere with your effectiveness.Replace them with healthier alternatives.

6. Look for a deeper problem. Immediate change is unlikely when a problem behavioris severe, has lasted a long time, or is the result of a medical condition or deepemotional hurt. Ineffective parenting only makes matters worse. Effective parentingcan prevent the problem from getting worse and help the child slowly work throughthe real issues causing the problem. You may want to seek professional guidance.Therapy is helpful for issues such as deep emotional hurts, violent or self-destructivebehavior, or problems that seem to persist despite your efforts to use these skillsconsistently for a significant period of time.

To begin a new problem-solving session, go to pg. 6.To see a list of all the different toolsets and files, go to pg. 4.

http://www.jodypawel.com/video/Hammer/


3 Problem ID Questions + 5 PASRR Steps

NO problems Prevent problems from starting orworsening

• Foundation-Building Toolset(parenting styles)

• Self-Esteem Toolset

• Cooperation Toolset

• Independence Toolset

When Problems AriseLook at the smaller problem “parts” and identify the problem type for each part.

QUESTION #1: Is this a Child problem (C) or a Parent problem (P)? (Narrow it down.)

Child problems - involve “PESS”

Peers, Emotions, Siblings, School

SAY

Acknowledge the child’s feelings (Ifonly a Child problem, stop at this step:Child Problem Toolbox.)

Parent problems - involve “SHARP RV”

Safety, Health, Appropriateness,Rights, Property, Rules, Values

Set limits or express concerns. (If nomisbehavior, stop at this step: Keep YourCool, Clear Communication Toolsets.)

When There is Misbehavior

QUESTION #2: Is the misbehavior in this Parent problem Unintentional (PU)or “On purpose”(PO)? Yes or No: Has this child consistently shown that he or she has mastered the skills tobehave properly in this situation? (Narrow it down.)

PU problem = No. Child has notmastered skills due to: immaturity,personality, accident, medicalcondition or lack of information

DO

Redirect the misbehavior (PU or POToolset)

PU = Teach skills or offeracceptable alternative

PO problem = Yes. Child hasmastered skills and misbehavior isdeliberate.

QUESTION #3: If the behavior is “Onpurpose” (PO), what is the purpose?

Attention, Power, Revenge, Giving up

PO = Avoid payoff/escalatingand show child how to meetpurpose through positivebehavior

For either PU or PO... FOLLOW

THROUGH

Reveal discipline

Must meet the “4 R’s”

Combination types: Identify the problem type for each part. Address the Child problem first.

C/P = Part Child problem and part Parent problem involving no misbehavior.

C/PU = Part Child problem and part Parent problem involving Unintentional misbehavior.

C/PO = Part Child problem and part Parent problem involving “On purpose” misbehavior.

Maintain Progress

• Family Council Toolset — when problems/decisions affect the whole family.

• Three C's: Consistency, Criticism, Confidence

From The Parent’s Toolshop : The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family, ©2000® ® Page 31

To start over, go to page 3PageFr o3m2 The Parent’s Toolshop : The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family, ©2000® ®

PROBLEM-SOLVING WORKSHEET

FEELINGS AND PERCEPTIONS:

PERSON #1: _________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

PERSON #2: (if it applies) +___________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

SUMMARIZE THE PROBLEM: ___________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

BRAINSTORM

___________________________________

___________________________________

___________________________________

___________________________________

EVALUATE

___________________________________

___________________________________

___________________________________

___________________________________

DECIDE: (Who, What, When, How, Other)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

NEXT TIME IT HAPPENS: Backup plans (or reveal discipline for Parent problems)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

SIGNED:___________________________________ ___________________________________

(Person #1) (Person #2)


ANGER LOG

See The Parents Toolshop ® pages 253–255 for directions

BEFORE/DURING ANGER AFTER/TO RE-PROGRAM ANGER

Describe the event. What happened? Am I being objective? Look at the Before description.Change biased comments into factual, objectiveterms.

What do I believe about this event? When the eventhappened, what did I tell myself?

Are my beliefs healthy? Look at each belief listed tothe left. Rewrite unhealthy beliefs using helpful, positivewords.

How do I feel? Now, how do I feel after looking at the healthier beliefsand thoughts above?

What was my response? How can I respond in a helpful, healthy, rational, andpositive way?

To start over, go to page 3PageFr o3m4 The Parent’s Toolshop : The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family, ©2000® ®

PARENT'S DECISION-MAKING WORKSHEET

SITUATION/PROBLEM: _______________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

WHAT TYPE OF PROBLEM IS IT? (NO, C, P, PU, PO, C/P, C/PU, C/PO) ____________

IF PO, WHAT IS THE GOAL? (Attention, Power, Revenge, Giving up?) _____________

STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX (Foundation-Building, Self-Esteem, Cooperation, Independence

Toolsets)

_______________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________

PLAN A RESPONSE, USING THE APPROPRIATE TOOLSETS:

STEP B: Child Problem Toolbox (Step B1: Focus on feelings, Step B2: Ask helpful questions, Step B3: X-

amine possible options)

_______________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________

STEP C1: Clear Communication Toolset (Set limits and/or express concerns)

_______________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________

STEP C2: PU/PO. Redirect Behavior (If PU, what skill do you teach? If PO, break the cycle.)

_______________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________

STEP C3: Reveal Discipline (Must be Related, Respectful, and Reasonable. Use problem solving to

decide?)

_______________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________


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