Testing Times April 2010

SEE MORE AT WWW.PLANET-X-BIKES.COM PAGE 1

Brave Dales

Ford denies

Sly bid for

Testing Times Brave Dales Ford, Britain’s cycling

supremo, has denied a top-secret

behind-the-scenes takeover bid for

Testing Times following his alleged

unsuccessful attempt to pump an

undisclosed amount of Sly TV’s

sponsorship budget into saving Nanu

Nanu Piccalilli's Time Trial Weekly

news-slater. Following the mysterious disappearance of

Pick-a- Looney’s business partner (not to mention

the Time Trial Weekly racing team’s entire 2010

budget), word quickly reached the world’s

investors that here really was something worth

throwing millions at.

Not one to miss a trick, Brave Dales Ford was

believed to be lining up a last ditch attempt to buy

out Tricky Dickey Looney’s scuppered attempt at

world-wide time trial reporting domination and

mould it in to something more relevant to the

current day.

Unfortunately, Rude Bert Murdock, pipped

Brave Dales Ford to the post and took Time Trial

Weekly down the same path as many of his other

far-fetched money making propositions.

Dales Ford is now believed to be centring his

attentions to acquiring Testing Times from Planet

X’s Dave Loughran and his very own ‘Dobby’,

Ian Cammish, and has Sly TV’s vast sponsorship

fund at his disposal to enable him to do so.

Responding to numerous trans-global messages

that were sent to many of the world’s most

glamorous holiday destinations, Loughran and

Cammish vehemently denied there was any truth

in the rumours.

Brave Dales Ford (above)

seen leaving the

unsuccessful make-or-break

negotiations with

Nina PicksaLuckyLooney

Ian Cammish

(right) refutes

claims that

there may about

to be a Sly

takeover bid

for Testing

Times

WHAT’S INSIDE:

What’s your tipple?

Planet X’s Racing Team’s

newest member

Frankly Franklin reviews …

the Robert Garbage Action Zone

Peter Whitfield asks Stuart

Dangerfield twenty questions

Coach ‘Dude’ Masher

Marsland tells us what it’s like

to ride the perfect pb 10

Frankly Franklin’s Agony

Aunt column

Steve Kish’s magnificent seven

Shetland, sheep and short haul

flights

Gambling on … the invention

Planet X’s Old Skool Series …

returns

Nob Off .. Jim Burgess

April 2010

MAJOR SCOOP! Britain’s superstar cyclist

snubs Testing Times … top

Olympian ignores plea for

interview.

Fully employed part-time

cyclists continue to prop up

Britain’s time trial scene.

Fifteen minutes of fame

guaranteed to all those taking

part in Old Skool Series

Testing Times … for the

discerning cyclist with an

acquired taste / no taste

whatsoever (delete where

applicable)


Beryl Burton v Julia Shaw

This is Red v White!

Beryl is honest and full of terroir (yes –

look it up) although terror might also be

applied … maybe a Syrah from the

Languedoc (France) made in small

quantities by artisan winemakers … a

slightly acquired taste, but great in its way.

Speaks of the land and modest toil.

Julia is the best Sauternes ... the sweet

white from Bordeaux and amongst the best

in the World, probably Chateau d’Yquem.

Very exclusive and unattainable, a

technically difficult wine to make but

Yquem never turns out a dud. It’s all

honey and tropical fruits but a long, dry

yet sweet finish that leaves you stunned.

WHAT’S YOUR TIPPLE? I like a good red … I also like a

decent white … but which is better?

Beryl ‘Syrah’ Burton

Photo from Bernard Thompson’s

cycling archive

Julia ‘Chateau d’Yquem’ Shaw

Photo courtesy Sarah Brooke


While Planet X board members, directors and

shareholders continue to reap the benefits of

pretty shrewd dealings by their very own

market-trading ‘Del-boy’ Dave (Loughran …

seen above sunning it up in his new ‘foreign

office’), shop floor staff continue to suffer as a

result of the cut-backs needed to fund their

lavish lifestyle. The recent move to modern warehouse accommodation

just off junction 34 of the M1, located next to the award

winning Magna adventure centre just outside Sheffield,

provided staff with running water but no heating or means

of electricity to power computers, lighting or battery

chargers for Ray’s lights or Caroline’s hair-straighteners

and i-pod. As a consequence, staff have been forced to use

much ingenuity to come up with a suitable means of

providing power within strict Health and Safety criteria.

Testing Times recently paid a visit to Planet X’s ‘centre of

the universe’ high-tech site at Rotherham and witnessed at

first hand the measures staff were taking to keep warm …

and provide power (see photo right).

Rumours that West Kent

Police may be putting up

cash rewards for the return

of Planet X’s missing

Stealthiest-ever Stealths

appear to be unfounded as

questions continue to be

raised about the genuineness

of claims of their

disappearance.

PLANET X

GOES GLOBAL

Boss buys office

in the sun

‘Slave labour’ and ‘failure to meet obligations to

provide a safe and comfortable working environment for

staff’ were not high on the list of subjects management

were keen to discuss. ‘Sun cream factors’ and ‘long cold

drinks’ on the other hand ... were.

NO END TO THE MISSING

STEALTHIEST EVER

STEALTH STORY Police are putting a hold on their

investigations until evidence comes

forward to confirm that they ever

disappeared or indeed ever existed in

the first place.

Testing Times would like to know

if you’ve seen one … and if so …

where?

Furthermore, if you haven’t seen

one, Testing Times would like to

know where you didn't see it ...

Hapless Hyde

road tests …

scientific

training

technology


Paul Hyde on the Harrietsham course

gauging his power output

Paul Hyde, Testing Times’ road testing guinea pig,

stepped forward to try out the latest low-cost power

meter (a new product …recommended by Planet X)

and race recovery drink (ath uthed and highly

recommended by pith-artitht and hath-been ekthtra-

ordinaire Ian Cammish). Blowing away all the high-tech wizardry usually associated with

power meters, heart rate monitors and wind tunnel testing, the

latest innovation to hit the streets of Harrietsham (that’s the

Q10/22 to the uninitiated) takes you right back to basics. Load up

and see how far you can go before grinding to a halt. Measure

your progress by seeing how much further you can go each time

with the same load … or increase the load and see if you can go as

far as last time.

Then hit the bottle (see ‘What’s your tipple’, page 2) and recover.

OLD’S COOL ;-) Paul Gittins Retrobike.co.uk (right) guilty of

going Old Skool in City Road Club Hull’s Easter

promotion. The country’s premier old boys

competition kicked off with all sorts of

controversy. Full report and pictures next month

… subject to the leading protagonists getting

parole and / or bail.

… is pleased and proud to sponsor the Country’s

leading competition for has-beens, old farts and

wannabies yearning for their fifteen minutes of

fame. For more details of the 2010 series, go to

page 18.

Hyde in the recovery phase … (above)


Planet x has a new team member in its fold

for this season, primarily a tester: Ceri

Pritchard has joined up for his first full

season back in racing since 1998. Testing

Times interviewed him to see what his goals

are and find out what he’s been up to;

So Ceri, for those who don’t know you, tell us about

yourself:

Well, I’m 32 years old, live in South Wales and work as a

self employed builder. I started riding a bike at the age of

11, and began competing when I was 12. At 15 I won the

GHS 10 and set the juvenile 10 record of 20:13 (recently

broken by Alex Royle). Then in the junior ranks I

managed to win 6 silver medals in the first 2 years and in

my final year, 3 golds, with a trip to the junior worlds to

boot.

I had 2 seasons racing as a senior, ending with the

Commonwealth Games in 1998, then didn’t race again

after that.

What made you want to stop competing?

To be honest, I think for the last two seasons of racing my

interest and enjoyment of the sport was steadily declining,

then after a particularly bad experience at the

Commonwealth Games that broke the back, I climbed off

the bike after the TT and didn’t touch a bike again.

How long did you stay away from cycling?

I had seven years where I didn’t even look at a bike, my

weight went from 13 to 23 stone. I basically turned into

your standard fat bloke. Then after some major changes in

my personal life I started to ride a bike again.

How did you manage to shift all that weight?

I basically spent about eight months doing nothing but

riding to work and back which was about 2 hours all in,

and another 2 hours in the gym in the evening. That got me

down to about 16 stone.

Have you done any racing since then?

Yes, I’ve done a few here and there. I rode the national

‘10’ in 2007. I think I finished about 15th. Basically a

couple of events a year, nothing anywhere near a proper

season.

So what’s different now?

I’ve been thinking about making a serious effort to do a

full season for quite a while, but haven’t been in a position

to do anything about it. Then last year, about August, I

decided to do it before I get too old. I started training then

to do a few events before the end of the season to get me

ready for a good winter’s training for this year.

How did the events go?

Not too bad considering I only had about six weeks

training before them. I did two 25-mile time trials, a 52:00

dead and a mid-49. I also did a 10-mile tt and that was a

21:00 dead.

Has the winter’s training gone well?

At first no, I ended up getting rushed into hospital for an

operation on my stomach in October, so I didn’t start to

train until Christmas. But since then it’s been good. I’ve

managed to get in the miles and get down to my racing

weight.

So what are your goals for this year?

The big objective for me is to try and complete a full

season. It’s been a long time since I raced regularly. I think

it will take a while to get into the swing of that again.

Other than that I will try and get in some of the national

championships, especially the BTTC as it’s not too far

from where I live. Other than that I’m going to try and get

in a few sportives to see what all the fuss is about, and if

I’m going well enough, some team events as well.

Ceri Pritchard -

Planet X Racing

Team’s newest

kid on the block Ceri in the olden days. We’ll have him out of

that Condor strip and into Planet X gear

faster than you can say Ian Cammish’s 3-31

‘100’ was the best time trial of all time ;-)

Some of you people seem to

think that Testing Times

exists just to promote Planet

X bicycles but those who think

that must be new readers. If

you look at past issues we

have visited the manufacturer

of Vellum bikes and looked at

the writing on an old Condor

and a brand new Trek. We are

even promised an in depth

study of Parlee’s Nob, or was

that Nob’s Parlee?

The most popular pages in all of those

wonderful bike mags out there –

Cycling Puss, Sportive Weekly, Cycle

Snort Monthly and the rest of ‘em,

are those in depth reviews of the latest

bikes by such luminaries as Marcel

Wust and Frankie Andreu as well as

the privileged and cosseted staff of

that weekly nonsense. Within limits, a

bike is a bike – if you see what I

mean. OK, a time trial bike is

different from a Dawes Tourer but

they can both use Shimano Tiagra –

it’s just the frame’s angles and the

wheels that are truly different. How

many times can you review the same

Shimano groupset?

Well it’s about time that we looked at

the bike of the future which I have

been secretly testing here in Thailand.

It’s called the Robert Garbage Action

Zone and it’s the first bike that will

really make a difference to your time

trialling. Forget all that research by

Mickle Furrows, Bored Man Chris

and the rest of them – this is the

future. I have been secretly told that

next season the Sly team will be

foregoing their Pianoforte Dogmas in

favour of the Robert Garbage - the Sly

team are so cutting edge.

Here is a machine that can climb

(providing the rider has a pair of thin

legs), time trial, tour, complete

sportives (or randonneurs or audaxes),

road race and also perform on the

track. For the first time you don’t

need a garage full of bikes for every

discipline – you just need this one

bike. Just one. To make your choice

simpler it only comes in a single

colour – blue. The boffins at Garbage

Cycles have really thought this

through. The point is that they want to

make sure that you only need one bike

for everything. If they offered this in

different colours, then riders would be

tempted to get a red one, perhaps then

add a green and a yellow, building a

stable of different colours. All of this

is quite unnecessary now. Simplify

your life. Have just ONE bike. In

blue.

Forget everything you’ve ever been

taught about cycling. This bike is the

difference between a candle and an

electric light or a donkey and a

Ferrari. You have to make the leap

into an entirely new world. The

position is different, the cornering is

different, the handling is different

and indeed, the speed is different.

Yes, welcome to a complete new

world of cycling.

Like other reviewers, I didn’t have

the legs to do this machine justice. If

I could have enticed Mr Cavendish

or Bert Wiggins out here to my

secret testing station in Thailand,

then I could have shared with you,

dear readers, information about the

sheer speed that this piece of

Garbage could attain. As it was I

was able to take it on the chaingang

on Tuesday evening and was met

with hoots of derision. Oh yes!

Hoots of derision.

But is that not the case with all

major breakthroughs? The greatest

inventors have faced these kinds of

reactions in the past. Can you

imagine what it would be like if you

took a few bods directly out of the

fifteenth century and put them in

front of a computer? Or how about

putting the 12 disciples in a jet from

Testing Times world exclusive …

Frankly Franklin reviews

The Robert Garbage Action Zone

The new Planet X Stealth in all its glory! [ed: I'm sure this is

the Robert Garbage Action Zone]


Bethlehem to Jordan? When looking

at the future you do have to make

these leaps and on this occasion we

have discovered the difference

between a camel and a jet. There are

current negotiations with top UK time

triallists and by the end of the season

you are bound to see a few of these

machines anxiously waiting for the

timekeeper’s 5-4-3-2-1-GO! Indeed, if

we can wean Mr Cammish off his

Planet X for the Border CA hundred,

his 3:31 will be a thing of the past. A

2:59 ‘100’? On this bike anything is

possible. Of course Mr RTTC would

take one look and ban the thing. But

that’s life, is it not?

The Tuesday night chaingang usually

peaks at about 50km an hour. A

speed, which my regular readers will

realise, is way beyond Frankly

Franklin’s normal capabilities, except

if going downhill with a following

wind. But on this occasion nothing

was a problem. The bunch of 30 of

Thailand’s best riders (and a couple of

European expats) was strung out

behind me as they struggled to stay on

my wheel. 50km per hour was just the

speed in the warm up zone. But it was

when I overtook a parked

Lamborghini that the riders realised

that I had found either new legs or a

new bike. Now they are all gagging

for one of these.

I particularly liked the cornering. On a

conventional bike I’ve always found

cornering difficult. Some years ago I

rode a criterium around an industrial

estate. I don’t know how the riders

managed to sail through the corners so

quickly, but I had to get off and walk

at each one. Needless to say I was

lapped many times. However on this

Garbage Action Zone I would have

had no such problems – the corners

were like straights. Indeed the hills

were like flat roads and the flat roads

like downhills. Thank you Robert

Garbage for your Action Zone – you

are on the verge of transforming my

cycling world. If nobody else gets one

of these, I could be world champion at

last!

If you take a close look at the

technicalities here, you’ll notice what

looks like rust on the wheels and other

parts. Don’t be fooled so easily. This


The top-secret bottom bracket in which some

nouveau technology is concealed

‘Fast geometry’. Well you can't argue with that!

A good view of the road scanner disguised to look

like a reflector

is not rust but a secret substance that helps the Garbage

Action Zone sail through the air – in fact it is a new form

of aerodynamic paste. The front end is higher than the

aerodynamic positions that we have been brainwashed into

believing is the fastest way to go when time trialling.

Extensive research in Robert Garbage’s laboratories has

shown that the upright full frontal position used in

conjunction with the aerodynamic paste adds +360 watts

per rider as an average.

The gearing is an interesting choice. It’s a fixed wheel

with a front of 36 and a rear of 16. It means you have to

pedal but the secret here is in the crank ratchet attachment

hidden inside the bottom bracket. Forget your

conventional method of gearing. The sensors attached to

the ratchet feel the gradient of the road and the speed of

the riders around you and adjusts accordingly. Off course

you still have to pedal but you no longer have to make the

choice about gearing.

However what impressed me most was the tyres. These are

tyres that don’t puncture as they appear to be permanently

flat. Well, that’s just an appearance. I was told by one of

the boffins that one of the most difficult considerations for

any rider is how much air to put in a tyre. 120psi? 90psi?

60 on a mountain bike? The lateral thinking here is that if

there is no air, then you don’t have to make a choice. I also

particularly liked what looks like a front reflector pointing

to the ground. When I first got this bike I was about to

remove these ‘reflectors’ when a mechanical voice spoke

from the inside of this machine saying “Do not disturb the

sensors”. Ahh, I thought to myself, so they are well

disguised sensors, not lights and I therefore kept them in

place.

Another great feature here is that you don’t have to have a

groupset. Shimano versus Campagnolo with SRAM now

in the arena? How do you choose? I hear that even Miche

is about to bring out a groupset. Life is complicated

enough, we don’t need choice. The wheels, hubs, pedals,

chainset and so on are all unique to this bike. You won’t

find these parts on a Planet X or a Condor or on anything

else. That’s part of the beauty of this machine – it all goes

to make your life so simple.

You see, this bike is not just about appearance. We live in

a design led society where form seems to be so much more

important than function. With the Robert Garbage Action

Zone we have been taught an important lesson. If you

choose your lifelong partner on the basis of looks alone

you may be in for a quick divorce or at least a sticky time.

The best looking person may have a terrible personality

and vice versa. (I’m a good example, as ugly as sin but a

really nice person!!!) This simile fits this bike perfectly.

You may scoff. But try riding it.


One of the delights of this bike is the way it sits in

a turbo trainer (above). For years we have all

wondered why Taxc and the like don't make their

turbos facing the other way. We have become truly

fed up of facing the wall. Now, with this new

system, the Action Zone sits perfectly well facing

the other way. At last we can look out of the

window whilst turbo training.

The front wheel (above) complete with new

patented aerodynamic paste

Note the head rest on the front (above) for when

your new found speeds just send you dizzy


1. When did you start racing?

Where? Your age when you started?

It was 1984 with the Wolverhampton

Wheelers when I was aged 12.

2. What got you into cycling? I

always wanted a racing bike so my dad

brought me a Peugeot for my 12th

birthday. It was a 100quid!

3. Is there anyone who has been a big

influence or inspiration?

Throughout my cycling life there have

been riders that have inspired and

influenced me, but mainly it was my

coach Gordon Wright..

4. What were you like at school -

academic or not, rebellious or not?

I probably didn't do as well as I should

have. I was always thinking about

training and winning the junior BBAR.

5. What kind of work do you do?

What's the Australian connection?

I work for my cousin. We’re

subcontractors to the lift and elevator

industry.

6. Have you always been a time trial

specialist, or did you go in for road-

racing and track? I’ve done it all. I

rode the Commonwealth Games pursuit

in 1994. I’ve also ridden the tours of

Britain, Langkawi, Saudi Arabia,

Tasmania and many more, all with

some success.

7. Have you had coaches, or did you

do it all on your own ? Is all your

training very scientific? Gordon

Wright is my coach. We mostly got it

right through a mix of old school and

science.

8. Are there any early rides that

stand out in your mind? As I said

before, my first 49 minute ‘25’ and my

first open ‘10’ in 1986 on the K37

really stand out. But when I saw a

super stylish Martin Gotrel in action on

his fantastic lo pro he had made

himself...I was hooked! There are

many, many great rides and memories.

My first Commonwealth Games,

worlds time trial in 1998, racing

alongside Lance Armstrong, the ‘10’

competition record, Isle of Man

mountain time trial, Porthole Grand

Prix, the Athens Olympics, six 25-mile

championships and many more …

there are so many memories.

9. Are there any special memories of

your races against Boardman,

especially his two competition

records, when you were second? All Chris's rides were fabulous, he was

an inspiration to a young guy like me. I

did 49:12 to his 47:19 and 48:35 to his

45:57 and we didn't have a five mile 50

mph downhill start a la South

Wales!

10. Ditto the 50 record ride by

Obree? Graeme!! Again another

fantastic genius! I saw him get the ‘10’

record the evening before, which I

broke in 2001.

11. Are there any special memories

of your first ‘25’ championship?

Being 5 seconds down with 5 miles to

go … and winning!

12. Do you remember all of your six

‘25’ championships individually? Or

have they all just become a blur? I can remember every single one!

Especially 2001.

13. Do you have a ‘finest-ever’ ride?

When I rode the ‘25’ in 2001 I was

floating. I put 2.5 minutes into Hutch.

That was the week after I broke the

Stuart Dangerfield’s twenty questions ‘10’ competition record.

14. How does it feel to have equalled

Engers's record of six ‘25’

championships? Are you interested

in the champions of the past ? Alf

Engers is an icon. He was before his

time. I should have won 7 or 8

championships but didn't apply

myself in 1998 and 1999 when I won

bronzes. I love the history. Beryl

Burton, Lloydy, Webster, Alf,

Cammish, Adkins, Pritchard, Board-

man, Obree and many more.

15. When you were at your best, did

Hutch ever beat you in an

important ‘25’? Did you ever come

up against Jason McIntyre? Both

Mike and Jason <r.i.p.> are, and were,

brilliant time triallists, but at my best,

I was just in front.

16. Are there any major

disappointments in your career?

What about the Commonwealth

Games disaster? Was that 1998 or

2002? Yes, the 2002 Manchester

Commonwealth Games. Nathan

O'Neil, who I got tangled up with, is

currently serving a two year ban for

doping. That’s karma.

17. You used to be described as

‘controversial’ (a polite word for

firing off unpopular opinions) any

comments? Do you think that

reputation was unfair? It was just

enthusiasm, confidence and

passion … plus a lot of misquotes by

the press.

18. Was there a specific moment

when you decided to scale down

your racing? Was it connected with

going to Australia? After the 2006

Commonwealth Games in Melbourne,

I needed a break.

19. Any major regrets? We all can

look back with hindsight and then do

some things differently. I do have a

few.

20. What of the future? Have we

seen the last of you on the time trial

circuit? Probably not! but cant see me

riding at my old level. I’m 38 now!

Photo courtesy of Ron Good

would get that 21 which was a big

ask. Four weeks previously I was

nearly 5 minutes behind him in a ‘25’

but my form and confidence had shot

up since then after two personal bests

in my last two races.

I watched Magic go and

started my stopwatch as he left

thinking how smooth and powerful he

looked as he dropped on to his aero

bars and disappeared down the hill. I

remember wondering how I was

going to stick within a minute of him.

I soon dismissed this negative thought

and replaced it with “I am going to

stick within a minute of you dude,

even if I die doing it!”.

“10 seconds!” The start

timekeeper snapped me back into the

here and now and a rush of adrenalin

(or maybe it was the caffeine gel)

flooded into me. I took in a deep

breath through my nose. “3 . . . 2 . . .

1” and I was away. My first thoughts

were about Magic's start for some rea-

son and I found myself mirroring his

effort perfectly as I headed down the

slip road on the tri-bars letting my

speed build up with very little

pressure on the pedals. The strategy

was to hit the exit and then try and

hold this free speed until the turn. I

knew it was going to be a lonely ride

and that I had to concentrate and stay

focused for every second of the race

as it was one of a couple of chances I

might have to destroy that magic 22-

minute barrier. Three to four minutes

in and my legs began to bite. My

response into the wind was to dig

harder as I knew that this out leg was

where I had to keep my speed up as

much as possible. I knew that

whatever I lost I would have to make

up on the leg back.

I was surprised to see a rider

up the road around at what must

have been the 3-mile mark and

before I knew it I was up to and

passing number 9. “Am I going

well?” . . . “Is he going badly?” . . . I

was so focused that for the first time

ever I can't recall shouting

encouragement at this rider. I hit a

couple of drags, the last one killing

my speed drastically, or at least

that’s how it felt as I knocked it

down a couple of cogs and tried to

maintain a nice smooth rhythm. I

knew the slip road was just past this

point and was soon gathering speed

again as I headed for the ramp and

started the climb to the first

roundabout..

Magic, where is he? As I

glanced right, sure enough there he

So to my ride. I must admit

that with the race being put

back by ten minutes due to a

lorry getting jammed under

a bridge on the course and

the wind picking up

noticeably before the start, I

was starting to feel the

pressure of that 22-minute

barrier as it was slipping

further away. After a short sharp warm up with a

couple of efforts my friend Magic

and I headed for the start line. While

I was warming up I noticed how well

my legs felt. You always know when

you are pinging as you can't feel

them at all up the drags. We passed

the start clocking the numbers of the

riders lining up and calculated how

long we had before our start. We

then headed down the hill, pulled

over and proceeded to both take our

caffeine gels with around 10 minutes

to the ‘off’. Then we had a brief

chat, Dan set off while I waited,

gathering my thoughts and emotions.

I visualized the course and saw

myself working hard out into that

headwind and up the drag to the

roundabout and crossing the line

punching the air in victory. I smiled

to myself and said “it’s do or die

time”, clipped in and headed for the

start line.

I got to the line to see Dan,

who was my minute man, sat four

riders back at number 11. Just as I

pulled up behind him number 8 was

on his way. I got Magic to hold my

bike while I climbed off and emptied

my nervous bladder for the last time.

Before I knew it Magic was on the

line and we were wishing each other

well. The game plan was for me to

be heading up the ramp to the turn as

Magic was coming down it which

would mean I would be at around

25-30 seconds down at that point.

With the form he is in we knew that

if I could hold him to a minute then I


Coach Dude ‘Masher’ Marsland

… rides a ‘10’ to pb perfection

was coming down the exit. I could

see he was glancing at me and we

were both on the rivet! It was just as

I had visualized and I knew that this

first part of the race had been

executed perfectly and I was bang on

target!

At that point the steepness of

the ramp began to exert its will onto

my legs. The biting of lactic slowed

my cadence as I dropped down the

extensions. So I sat back in the

saddle bringing my glutes and

hamstrings into play with my mouth

agape trying to get as much oxygen

in as possible. I knew this part of the

race was crucial and I took the first

roundabout fast and smooth unable

to thank the marshal. Already out of

the saddle for a quick kick to the

second roundabout, I gave myself a

second to cruise around and onto the

slip road. This time I gasped an

unintelligible “thank you” and was

down the exit and into a 57/11 for

the first time in the race. My instinct

told me that I had negotiated the

roundabouts faster than I had ever

done before and a quick glance at the

stop watch showed a time of 10:45.

With a minute to be deducted I knew

that I must have covered the first 4.8

miles or so in less than 10 minutes

— so I was going well! “Come

on!!!” I shouted out loud, digging

harder on the pedals, determined to

hurt myself more than ever before.

Soon the first drag on the way back

hit me as I dropped down onto a

57/13 rolling it over and determined

not to lose speed or fight the bike.

“Keep it smooth and powerful

Mash . . . smooth and powerful” I

repeated to myself.

A car came past – it was

way to close and hooted at me. At

that point I realized that I was

working hard. It must have been

really hard as normally I would hurl

abuse at the crazy motorist and offer

a few choice selections from my

hand language repertoire. Today

there was no chance of that. I looked

up the blurred road, sweat dripping

in synchronization with each stroke

of the pedals as I found myself

thinking of my thread on the tt

forum and the humiliation of having

to post the fact that I had failed. How

horrible that would feel. It would be

like I had let myself down and

those who were gunning for me. My

legs responded to this thought,

pumping harder on the pedals, piston

like, as the words 'rip yourself a new

ars*hole Mash' popped into my head

from the words I used to use with

Elitist to get him zoned on a few

occasions!

Before I knew it I could see

the last drag to the layby ahead, so I

knew I had about 2 miles, or just

under, to go. My legs were

screaming but I asked for more and

more they gave! Powering up the

drag in the same 57/13 gear I began

to crest the top. My blurred vision

just made out Dell's kneeling figure

as she set up to take a photograph. I

began to gather speed again, pushing

every last ounce of energy into those

pedals. The only thought I had was

of a 21 . . . I have to do it . . . I must

do it. My heart was pounding feeling

like it would burst out of my chest

like an alien at any second! My

hearing was all but gone and I could

feel the sensation of my oxygen-

starved brain beginning to shut down

as the darkness started to creep in on

my peripheral vision. I have been

there before on the turbo many

times, gasping with the pain, wanting

to stop but pushing harder. The last

90 seconds felt like a body-and soul-

destroying eternity. For the first time

ever on this course I began to go

faster up the drag to the finish. Faster

and faster pouring on the pain into

every turn of the cranks. Yes, I was

spurred on by the desperate thought

of failure and how much more that

would sting.

I crossed the finish line and

gasped my number, glanced at the

watch. 22:27 . . . 22:27 . . . I punched

the air in victory. “YEEEEESSSS!”

Then I stopped and caught myself.

Dazed and still reeling from the

effort of the ride I could not recall at

what point I had started the watch.

Did I start it before the off . . . or

was it on auto when I started? It was

auto, I decided and my heart sank.

“Hey no, you started it on Magic!”

said a nagging voice in my head. My

stomach flipped. I pulled into the

layby after the finish where Magic,

his Dad and Dell were waiting. I was

still a bit bemused. “I had you about

a minute and ten seconds down on

Dan at that point” Dell said. “I think

I just PB'd with a 20-31” said

Magic, “this would give you a sub-

22 for sure!”

No way I could have lost

that much. Was there? No I was

pushing harder/faster, so no way,

surely? Only the finish board of

truth could settle my mind. After

stopping back to cheer Hutch we

headed for the HQ. I rang Dan who

had just arrived. “Do you want to

know what you did?” he asked.

“Nooooooooo” I said hand

over my eyes “I can't take it dude . .

. just tell me, will I be happy?”

“Oh yes mate . . . you will

be very happy!” came the

enthusiastic reply. I put the ‘phone

down, still spaced out and shell

shocked. “What if I have just PB'd

with a 22.01 Dell?”

“No chance” she replied,

“Magic wouldn't have said very

pleased if that was the case!”

We parked up and I was

across the road and jogging into the

HQ. My stomach was churning The

anticipation was immense. The first

person to greet me was Magic with

a big handshake “well done dude,

go check out the board!”

My eyes searched nervously

for my name. I was all over the

place! I couldn't remember what

number I was for a second or two,

then It clicked. I focused in on

number 12, followed my name

across to the 4 digits at the side of

it .and was stunned by what I saw.

21:26! I repeated what my eyes

were showing me “twenty one

twenty six” and then the enormity

of what I had just done hit me.

"Twenty one twenty six . . .

Yesssssssssss!” I sank down and

punched the air in victory.

Good news really does

come in threes. Dan PB'd with a

20:31 to round off a truly wondrous

top banana day. ‘Aint life a

wonderment?

I hope I wasn't the only one

to break through a huge barrier

today and I look forward to hearing

about it tomorrow . . . whenever I

get up. Something tells me it may

just be a restless night!

So what now? Can I go sub

21? I can't believe I have just typed

that. What a surreal moment this is!

lol

Mash


Thigh Grazing

Dear Testing Times

Thank goodness I have found your lovely little

publication. There seems to be no other cycling

magazine that does an Agony Aunt column – even

that nice colourful one that always seems to be so

full of whole page adverts selling subscriptions and

DVDs. Enough of that! Here is my problem: I have

a lovely husband who rides his bicycle every day.

Sometimes he rides twice a day but only once on a

bicycle. I love him very much except when his legs

grow stubble.

Anyway a few months ago he fell off his bicycle. I

should say he was knocked off by a stoat that was

scurrying across a country lane. Unfortunately he badly

grazed both knees (we had to abandon missionary for

some months), collected a deep wound in his left elbow

and grazed the other all the way to the bone.

Ever since then I have been searching for armour plat-

ing for cyclists and I cannot find anything on the market

which is strong enough to withstand these types of

accidents. I watch those lovely men in the Tour de France

and it distresses me to see such nasty skin wounds on

their lovely shaven thighs. But it distresses me even more

to see this happen to my lovely dear husband.

So as I cannot find any armour plating for cyclists I am

sure that I can build a hugely successful business empire

designing, manufacturing and marketing such items –

which will ensure that my lovely husband and all those

dear male cyclists never have to suffer such injuries

again.

The only problem is I don’t know how to go about this

task. Can you or your readers help please?

Molly Coddle, Leeds

Frankly Franklin replies �Molly: How lovely to hear of

your love and concern for your husband. But I think you

have given us more information than we really need to

know - at least it gives me an insight into the type of help

you need. Most cities – and Leeds cannot be an exception

– run counselling services and I think that it would be

very helpful for you to go and address your issues about

men’s thighs and so on at one of these services. Losing

the missionary position for a month or two is no great

shakes as there are many exciting alternatives and a

counsellor may also help with this. I am sure there are

many people who can help you. Indeed even banks these

days run counselling services so that nice man at the

Halifax (the one with the big glasses) could also be

of great value. As for your business idea, too late. It has

already been stolen by Mr Loughran as you had not

sought any patents.

A Comp Record in Bed

Dear Planet X

I have a problem and it’s been going on ever since I met

my husband when we were both still young. The trouble I

have is the speed at which my husband does everything –

he is known nationally for his speed and prowess at

testing. You only have to look at the competition records,

the number of trophies littering our humble home and the

huge number of BAR’s that he has won to see how fast

he is.

The trouble is that his penchant for speed overspills

into every facet of his everyday life but there is one that

concerns me in particular. I don’t mind him loading the

dishwasher in 5.75 seconds flat or ironing one large

basket of washing in 12 minutes and 32 seconds. I don’t

mind him getting comp records such as a 3-31 for the 100

– that makes me very proud. But I do mind what happens

upstairs every Sunday night between 10.01pm and

10.02pm. Yes, that’s right! He takes less than a minute.

I’ve asked him to slow down but to no avail. Could you

please advise me on what I can do about this distressing

situation.

Mrs Anon, St Neots

Planet X replies � I passed this letter to our resident

expert in these matters – known as Sir Nob of Two

Ghibli’s. He is a fount of all knowledge when dealing

with such issues. His well chosen words of advice were

“The solution here is very easy. At 10.00pm each Sunday

night, just let his tyres down”. Do let us know if this

works.


Frankly Franklin’s Agony Aunt

Column & Cycle Clinic

Steve Kish’s

‘Magnificent

Seven’ best bits

of a 1980’s time

trial bike Part one – the ‘almost made the

medals’ section.

In the hope that there are enough readers out there to say

‘ooh, I’d quite forgotten about these’, I’ve wandered back

in time and listed seven items that floated my boat in the

ol’ skool days when ‘less was more’, inspired by the fact

that had the list been headed ‘seven worst bits’, the

natural selection would have been my two legs, two

arms, torso, head and bum! All before carbon fibre, disc

wheels and U-bars were the accepted norm, of course.

In seventh place, I’d put the Omas titanium bottom

bracket. Ti was quite new with only Omas and Royce

being at the forefront but as well as a considerable weight

saving, the sealed unit bearings and both cups being

adjustable made this something that you could adjust and

drool over at the same time. Fortunately the bearings

were a standard size and local bearing suppliers could sell

you these for a fraction of what you expected to pay –

whoopee!

In sixth place is the tester bar tape of choice, good ol’

Benotto tape. Shiny in appearance with all sorts of

colours including pink, these were mostly ignored by real

men who chose either white or black. Unfortunately the

manufacturers (presumably in the Italian section of

Mexico, where the stuff was made) slightly overlooked

the fact that if you make three-coloured tape, once

wrapped around the bars, at least one of the colours is

hidden. Yet despite the

stupid over-the-bar end

plugs and the suggested

sealing method of melting

the ends with a match, the

stuff did go on rather well,

could easily be washed,

re-used and surprisingly

enough, despite the slippery

look, did grip hands quite

well – unless you applied

your own pre-race

embrocation and didn’t

wash your hands

afterwards!

Fifth place must go to the

Mavic CX18 rim, narrower

than the standard ultra-light

GEL280 but 30 gms heavier

and much stronger. The

18mm profile meant that they

were designed (of course) for

18mm tyres, usually Wolber

but I ran mine for years with

something that we’ll mention

later. Nice dark grey in

colour, the road equivalent of

these was the Mavic SSC,

immensely strong, either red

or grey and probably the strongest rims out there, even

though the ‘just over 400gms’ weight tag made it more of

a stage race rim than a tester’s choice.

Fourth place goes to the

Maillard Dural 6-speed

block. Super light with a

light brown tinge, both the

body and the sprockets

were made from

Duraluminium, a heat-

treated alloy of manganese,

copper, magnesium and

aluminium. With the

glowing recommendation

that the ’Hindenburg’ went

down in 1937 in flames

with a lot of the framework

made from this, Maillard

pressed on to create what was probably the lightest multi-

speed freewheel out there. Regular changes of chain were

required to prevent tooth hooking but heaven help

anybody who tried to strip one down more than a month

after they had assembled it!

(Excuse the pic .. you try Google Imaging ‘Maillard’ and

see if you can do any better!)

.. and so, into the medal position for the top three items ….

exclusively in the next issue of Testing Times.



Shetland is, believe it or not, fantastic for

cycling.....weather permitting! For the few of

us that want to challenge the forces of nature

and ride throughout the year it’s a little more

trying. There is a perception that the Northern

Isles are windswept, treeless and flattish, if

you replace the last with ‘rolling’ then that’s

not far off the mark. There are days of light

and gentle breezes but these can be counted

on one hand and there are trees but the 100

specimens that I planted 15yrs ago in my

garden remain bonzais, beaten back below the

height of the wall! And unfortunately there are

hills with some fine examples of challenging

gradients dispersed liberally amongst the

islands. Around 100 islands make up Shetland but only a handful

are inhabited with the majority of folk living on the

mainland. The mainland is approximately 70miles in

length but only 6 miles at it’s widest. One main road runs

roughly north to south with several B roads and plenty of

single track roads reaching all points north, south, east and

west. The condition of the roads is good with traffic

relatively quiet compared to mainland Britain. The biggest

worry is that motorists don’t expect to encounter cyclists,

there’s just not enough of us so it’s essential to make

yourself as visible as possible and be ever vigilant. I use

lights most of the year even though it never really gets

dark in the summer this far north. Cycling from Sumburgh

head at the southern most tip of the islands to Skaw Beach

in Unst, literally the end of the road at the most northerly

point of the British Isles, offers a very enjoyable 80-mile

ride on good roads although it does involve two short ferry

crossings!

It would be fair to say that cycling is not the most popular

of sports in the isles and during the winter months

sightings are rare, however there does exist a hardy core

that brave the elements throughout the year. One or two of

us, myself included, commute by bike to work. My route

passes through some fairly desolate, sparsely populated

landscapes, there is very little shelter and the wind is the

governing factor. I’m a port controller at the Sullom Voe

oil terminal which is 40 miles from the house so I do part

of the journey by car varying the distance depending on

the wind strength and direction. Winds are regularly above

30kts and sometimes I am dealing with up to 50kts, it

doesn’t mean I like it that way, I just put my head down

and push on with it. The pay back for perseverance into

the headwinds are some amazing return journeys...that is

unless the wind backs whilst at work then that’s tough! It’s

the cross winds that really cause the trouble and gusty ones

in excess of 30kts usually mean I have to resort to the

dreaded turbo. The weather is the only force that dictates if

I go on the turbo trainer, I prefer the road. Interval training

on the turbo is a real chore and can demoralise me so I

incorporate it into my ride which is far more fun and

Shetland’s rolling terrain is particularly good for this. The

commuting really provides the main stay of my training,

maybe having the weather as an adversary and a time

constraint is the perfect training tool. Fellow Shetland

Wheeler and time triallist Carlos Riise has been following

this regime with his 60mile round trip to work for the past

15yrs and it seems to have worked for him.

The Shetland Wheelers has around 30 members recently

boosted by the increasing interest locally in triathlon.

Between April and September the club meets regularly for

training and time trial nights. In addition there is an annual

Christine dodging the traffic on Shetland

aboard her pink Planet X Stealth

Shetland, sheep and

short haul flights by Christine Mclean


hill climb and the occasional sportive. Every 2 years

Shetland takes part in the Nat West Island Games and this

provides a fantastic opportunity to compete in a range of

cycling events at an international level. Shetland hosted

the games in 2005 and in fact it was here that I caught not

just the cycling bug but more specifically the urge to try

time trialling. However getting to the start line of an event

on the tt calendar is not a straightforward case of loading

up the car a few hours before and heading off. As residents

of a group of islands that extol stronger cultural links with

Scandinavia than Scotland getting to mainland Britain can

be quite an adventure and an expensive one at that! The

options are a 12 to 14 hour ferry journey or an hour’s

flight to Aberdeen.

Early in the year armed with CTT & SCU calendars, shift

rotas and a host of other information, including an

assortment of credit cards and the internet, a mad flurry of

planning and booking takes place. Flights, car hire and

accommodation have to be booked in advance from the

fairly straightforward single flight for a Scottish event to

the complicated logistics of getting to the other end of the

country for an CTT championship. Unless it’s a

championship we aim for a value for money weekend and

enter a Saturday and Sunday event, hopefully leaving

ourselves time for a recovery ride before being squeezed

into airline seating. Sometimes it’s a miracle we make the

plane and recovery can be limited to a glass of red on the

flight home trying to ignore the odd looks that still

sporting a skinsuit provokes.

British Airways used to serve the Islands but in recent

years Flybe took up the task and it has to be said that

things have gone downhill ever since. This is not a cycle

friendly airline, in fact this is an airline that goes out of it’s

way to make life as difficult as possible for us. One of it’s

promotional adverts claims it ‘supports communities’.

Well my experience is anything but. I have been reduced

to tears by the stone faced, adamant behaviour that some

policy quoting staff employ. The bikes are packed away

into a regular bike box and I must admit to being quite

proud of my adeptness at this whole intricate process

although I cannot match Carlos’ 10 minute speed build!

As island residents we are allowed up to 20kilos of hold

baggage free for this leg of the journey and yet keeping

the bike box below this weight and everything else to a

minimum as hand luggage still attracts a charge...Why I

ask ‘...because it’s a bike’ is the response ‘...but it bears no

resemblance to a bike, it’s just a case’ we argue but they

won’t have it even insisting that as bikes they have to go

stand by and be left behind if space is tight. The frustration

in arguing that the whole point of travel centres around the

contents of that box is indescribable! Incidentally just

getting through Shetland’s overzealous security to

departures is quite a feat especially if you happen to have

pedals, cable ties or tubular glue in the plastic bag with the

toothpaste in your hand luggage whilst suspicious white

powder secreted around your person can cause

considerable alarm!

The alternative to flying is an overnight journey on the

ferry to Aberdeen and if all the events were in Aberdeen

and time not an issue then this would be blissfully easy in

comparison. Cycle on in Lerwick, eat and sleep for several

hours then ride off into Aberdeen town centre at 7am.

Some of the club members do this for the district events

even though it can mean a lengthy warm up ride to the

start line but it also enables them to conveniently catch the

ferry back that evening. Unlike Flybe, Northlink ferries

carry the bike free and even offer a discount for club

members. Of course there is the issue of bad crossings but

there again flying to Shetland isn’t always smooth sailing

either! Unfortunately with a full time job and already

badly neglected family I do not have the luxury of time so

have to brace myself for the Flybe treatment .

Of course all this is just half the story..... having got to the

start on time all that's left is the easy bit!!!

Christine looking for someone … ANYONE

… or even an aeroplane maybe …

at Sumburgh airport

Testing Times would like to hear from you. If

you’ve got a story to be told, or no-one ever

listens to you, this could be YOUR chance to

‘sound off ’. We’re doing it all the time :-)

Send stories, features, wine (see ‘What’s your

tipple’ page 2), food etc to

[email protected]

Mega-

lenticular

discs on

trial

Paul Hyde donned his false

moustache and went under-

cover recently to try out the

latest in lenticular lunacy. Hyde reported that the shape of the

wheels offered no obvious advantage

when travelling at 25 mph on dry land,

but conceded that they did come into

their own when sailing along at any

more 15 knots on a light swell.


Revolting vegetables

bring an end to

Testing Times’ lettuce

page

The more observant readers of

Testing Times may have noticed

the demise of its controversial

lettuce page. Over recent

months, the editorial team has

been pleased to accept lettuce

from anybody willing to write. Unfortunately, this has led to much

criticism from vegetables, particularly

the more revolting amongst them.

Leading the rebellion were the children's

favourites … messrs Brussel Sprout,

Runner Bean and Spinach.

To prevent further escalation,

possibly to the courts of European

Justice, Testing Times has reluctantly

pulled the plug on its highly over-rated

lettuce page.

For anyone suffering from withdrawal

symptoms, kindly turn to page 12.

Testing Times’ fearless phobia-free phenomenon Paul

Hyde at work

Gambling on … the invention Mick Gambling contributed

around 5000 articles, race

reports, interviews etc for

Cycling Weekly, formerly

Cycling. They encompassed

a 40-year period, 1965-2004

and half that period, to

1985, included light-hearted

pieces. Many were topical

for the period, although

some are still relevant to the

present time. A taste of these

will be produced on a

regular basis. Mick is alive

and well pedalling away in

Norfolk.

Who invented the bicycle? Right.

Hands down again, you know-alls.

If a count was taken, how many of

you would have had the same

answer?

I once read that the invention of

the bicycle was attributed to

Leonardo da Vinci, but from what

I’ve heard he was always up to his

racing shorts in painting and

sculptures.

What a name, though, if he had

turned to manufacturing. The frame

would have needed long tubes just to

get it on. Perhaps he would have

been a flamboyant road man with a

flashy long ‘handle’ to go with it.

You can imagine the commentator

shouting, “Here comes Leonardo,

there goes da Vinci.”

Anyway, in 1818 the first

recorded machine, the Hobby Horse,

was sighted in Paris. It travelled at

10mph and was described as

“fearfully and wonderfully made”.

But did Leo think of it first?

Somehow, I never accepted that

the funny old boy could have got

down to something sensible. He was

always the drop-out type - all paint

and marble chippings. You don’t get

a trivial bloke, cooped up all day

with nude female models, suddenly

chuck his brush, or chisel in the

corner and announce, “I’m going to

invent a bike”.

No, I prefer an account of the

invention passed on to me in strict

confidence. I have never disclosed

this before, but I’m fed up with

Layabout Leo getting the credit.

The real inventor was Harold

Hobby. He was a dairyman known

as Harry the Horse. This may have

been because of his large teeth and

ears, or perhaps because he owned a

horse which wouldn’t get on with

the milk round, unless there was a

mare just ahead. A sort of Leo horse.

Harold came back from his round

one day. “That horse is killing me.

Today I had to pull the cart myself,

while it sat in the back with that

frisky little filly he picked up outside

the inn.”

“You should have pushed them

out,” replied Nellie his wife.

They called her Nellie the Nag.

Because she did. “This happened

previously and you know the trouble

about that colt which arrived.

Everyone knew our horse was

involved because the colt took after

its sire and didn't stand up for three

months. Then went off with the

Highwayman’s gelding.”

“OK Nellie, I know. What I need

is something to replace it. Maybe a

vehicle with four wheels, with a box

on top and something to turn the

wheels. I could sit in and drive

myself along. Let’s call it an auto

mobile.”

Harry worked hard for a

fortnight, until Nellie the Nag came

after him. “Can’t you invent

something quietly, instead of

banging and clattering, when I’m

reading the evening parchment?”

“Well, it’s coming along nicely.

I’m going to call it a motor car. If I

can finish this hammering job I will

have made some petrol to fire the

engine.”

“How silly,” argued Nell. “All

you want is some means of replacing

the horse’s legs with your own.

We’re not having all that noise for

every flagon of petrol.”

So Harry worked on Nellie’s

idea, using a muffled hammer.

“Replace the horse’s legs with my

own,” he mused. “Fix them to some

wheels with something. People call

me a crank. That’s it - cranks!”

He set to with a muffled chisel.

Next morning Nellie came into the

kitchen. “What is that?” she yapped.

“It’s er … it’s a … Hobby Horse,”

Harry neighed.

“What are those stupid things

sticking out of the front wheel,”

yelped his wife.

“They be cranks to help push the

wheel round.”

“Huh, I’m not having those

sticking out in the kitchen. Lonny

next door is inventing some

stockings and is going to give me a

pair. He’s calling them Lonny’s.

They will tear on your cranks.”

“Oh,” replied the Horse. “Lon has

been on those Lonnys for years. Bet

they get finished by his great

grandson, who will forget all the

leg-work done by his fore-fathers.

Probably reverse the syllables to

Nylons.”

“I’ll reverse your syllables,”

snorted Nellie the Nag. (Hope you

appreciate all this Harry the Horse

being married to Nellie the Nag

stuff. Her name was Raquel in the

first draft, but the Nellie idea came

and I had to completely re-write.)

“Harry,” said Nellie, “sit on your

wheeled horse and run. That’s the

answer!” She threw the cranks into

the street.

A dark figure, covered in daubs

and granite flakes, had been skulking

outside. It picked up the cranks and

sneaked away. That’s how Leo got

the credit for the bicycle and poor

Harry the Horse was an also-ran.


… and if Planet X’s Old

Skool Series is too hard

for you, how about trying

the Tyne Tees SPOCO

series?

2010 Season Preview by

Martin Worner

The Tyne Tees SPOCO is now in its

third season in its current format and

is going from strength to strength.

The 2009 season was hotly contested

with only a couple of points

separating the top riders in each

league. For 2010 the popular league

system continues with the Elite/

Intermediate/Sportive categories

meaning that there is something to go

for if you are at the top, in the middle

or with the back markers.

The feedback from many riders is that

there is an appetite for riding the

sporting courses as an alternative to

drag strip racing and the quest for a

PB on standard courses. The appeal is

for both those who want to ride the

series and those who want to get some

strength in their legs before tackling

the A19.

This year’s calendar has the classic

hilly races, starting with the Bishop

Auckland 32 followed by the epic

Planet X’s Old Skool Series .. returns!


THE events for 2010 … be there AND be square!

Good Friday 2 April City RC Hull 10 V718

Sat 24 April Bath CC 10 U47

Sat 1 May Cambridge CC 10 F2D/10

Sat 12 August Team Sanjan ‘Old Skool World Championship’ 10 F2A/10

Sat 25 September Wrekinsport ‘Revenge / grudge match 10 for failed World

Championship contenders’ K52/10

Teesdale Mountain, which is arguably the toughest time

trial in the country (second only to Wrekinsport’s Old

Skool 10 on the K52/10 in September) and the Tyneside

Vagabonds’ 47-mile Mountain Time Trial. In addition to

these there are the shorter hilly rides like Richmond’s 24

and the Derwentside 14 which was dramatic last season

with a howling gale on the moor tops. There are some

flatter, twisty routes such as the opening Cleveland

Wheelers event and the M21 course featuring twice.

A new course, the M26, has been introduced this year run

by Tyneside Vagabonds, and as last year the Rudy

Project round run by the Teesside District/Teesdale CRC

will count as part of the series.


Contrary to popular belief, no events are being run on

the M62, M25 or M6.

Qualification is automatic with a minimum number of

events to count and it is hoped that the series continues

to attract the support enjoyed in the last couple of

series.

The first event kicked off on the 14th of March on the

rolling 21 mile course around Stokesley.

STOP PRESS …

Cammish slaughters field in

City Road Club Hull’s Easter

Old Skool 10 amidst

accusations of flaunting

stringent rules and regs. Full

story in next months issue … if

we can be bothered.

Cammish (left) taking the pith at Hull.

Photo courtesy of that very nice man Martin

Henson. Even better photos of far faster riders here

http://martin.photium.com/portfolio91737.html

MORE STOP

PRESS …

Allegations of

Superman position

being used in Old Skool

Series. “Not in the

spirit of the

competition” claims

‘sour-grapes’ Cammish


The Rap Sheet of

Suffolk’s own ‘Windy

Miller’- Anglia Velo’s

Jim Burgess

It was quite an honour to link up with one of

the fastest 10 milers around from the past and

now on the comeback trail. In 2010 we could

see an 18 minute ‘10’ being produced on his

local B courses. Jim Burgess is a builder

extraordinaire, who took four years to get a

barn converted into his current den which

houses his family. His love of fixed machinery

instils speed in his current machine and we

expect some special results this coming year

as long as he keeps out of the local DIY shops

that is!

Full name: Jim Burgess.

Height: 1.83 metre.

Weight: 71 kg.

Place of residence: Beccles, Suffolk.

Current club: Anglia Velo.

Most memorable moment: Birth of my daughter, Grace

in 2003.

Most embarrassing moment: I've been quite lucky really

in that respect over the years, so would have to say the first

time I farted in front of my girlfriend (now wife) Sharon.

We were on a romantic ‘couples’ holiday in Jamaica and I

over strained getting up from the sun lounger by the pool,

it turned several heads from quite a distance!

Who was your boyhood hero: The Incredible Hulk.

Biggest influence on your career: Graeme Obree, purely

for his ingenuity and how he took on the hour record.

Campagnolo or Shimano: Shimano, although my fixed

wheel TT bike is a mixture of both (should have asked me

gears or fixed (lol)).

Favourite musical group or singer: I have a really broad

range of taste when it comes to music, but for lyrical talent

I would have to say Eminem.

Educational attainment: Failed at most things at school

but went on to achieve City and Guilds in Production/

Mechanical Engineering at college.

What’s the most trouble you have ever been in: In 1996

I managed to get stopped for speeding twice in the same

day by the same policeman, 6 points and £500 fine in total.

Pet hates: Smokers and flat cap Sunday drivers.

Your best achievement is: Getting a job after leaving

school (teachers had given up on me!). Cycling

achievement would be my 19:10 on 108" fixed. :-)

Current job: I'm a Senior Buyer for Timberwolf Wood

Chippers, not a very exciting job but it pays the mortgage.

Current make of car: Audi A3 2.0 TDI SE.

Married or single? Married, but wife reckons I still act

as if I'm single.

Best TV show: Top Gear.

NOB OFF … the back

At full flight in an Anglia Velo 10 last year on

his comeback. Picture by kind permission of

Mark Cozens www.mphotography.co.uk


Best film: Pulp Fiction.

Favourite actor & actress: Robert Di Nero & Jessica

Alba.

Favourite drink: Guinness extra cold.

Favourite food: Chinese - Crispy Pork with Hoi Sin

Sauce goes down well.

Which country would you most like to visit: Australia to

see my cousin and his family who live in New South

Wales.

Is there anything you would change about your cycling

career? Wish I had taken it up at an earlier age; I was 23

when I first competed in MTB racing and 24 when I

started TT'ing.

Your favourite piece of cycling kit you'd like too own

or own: That would have to be my Graham Weigh Fixed

TT bike.

Favourite time trial course & why: B10/3 on the A11

near to Attleborough in Norfolk. I've done most of my

solo 19's on there in previous years as well as an 18:18 on

a tandem with team mate Andy Hutchison in 2002.

What advice can you give to up & coming cyclists? Structure your training so that it's enjoyable, productive

and progressive. Take what others say they do with a pinch

of salt....

10 years from now you will be: 47 and hopefully still

competing to the best of my ability.

What can’t you live without: Chocolate and cake.

What other interests do you have? The usual man thing:

DIY, retail therapy and I also do a fair bit of jogging.

Who would you share a desert island with if marooned

and why? Well it would have to be someone funny to

keep the spirits up, most probably funny man Michael

McIntyre.

Favourite clothing material (PVC, Lycra, wool etc): On

females I'd say my favourite is PVC !! Personally most of

my clothing is made from cotton.

Jim also explained a little more about himself:

“My last prolific season was 2004 when I won 19 out of

20 races. I did several sub-20 minute rides. I was East

District Champion at ‘10’, ‘15’, ‘25’, ‘30’ and ‘50’ miles

(all done on fixed wheel). After not riding a bike for 4

years (due to working heavily on our barn conversion) I

returned last season with just 2 hrs of training a week and

have already turned out a 20:25 for 10 miles.”

Nob says: “I still think you need a Ghibli to improve those

times Jim”.

Not once did I mention ‘Carrot Crunchers’ as we at

Testing Times support the vegetable.

Sir Nob of Two Ghiblis

Coming next month … Fed up with getting

his feet wet (see Mega-lenticular discs on trial

report) Testing Times’ fearless phobia-free

phenomenon Paul Hyde has been seen out and

about on Kent’s drag-strips trying out the

latest version of Planet X’s Exocet time trial

machine (see above).

Testing Times hopes to carry a full report in a

later issue.

Documents

Testing Times April 2010