Still Life By Gillian Marchenko

8182019 Still Life By Gillian Marchenko

httpslidepdfcomreaderfullstill-life-by-gillian-marchenko 120

A M E M O I R o f

L I V I N G F U L L Y

w i t h D E P R E S S I O N

G i l l i a n M a r c h e n k o

S T I L L

L I F E





S T I L L L I F E

A MEMOIR of LIVING FULLY

with DEPRESSION

Gillian Marchenko

Copyrighted Material wwwivpresscompermissions



InterVarsity Press PO Box 983089983092983088983088 Downers Grove IL 983094983088983093983089983093-983089983092983090983094 ivpresscomemailivpresscom

copy983090983088983089983094 by Gillian Marchenko

All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from InterVarsity Press

InterVarsity Pressreg is the book-publishing division of InterVarsity Christian FellowshipUSAreg a movementof students and faculty active on campus at hundreds of universities colleges and schools of nursing in theUnited States of America and a member movement of the International Fellowship of Evangelical Students

For information about local and regional activities visit intervarsityorg

All Scripture quotations unless otherwise indicated are taken from HE HOLY BIBLE NEW INERNAIONAL VERSIONreg NIV reg Copyright copy 983089983097983095983091 983089983097983095983096 983089983097983096983092 983090983088983089983089 by Biblica Inctrade Used by permission All rights reserved worldwide

While any stories in this book are true some names and identifying information may have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals

Published in association with WordServe Literary Agency Sarah Joy Freese agent

Te story in chapter seven beginning ldquoOne morning when Elaina was threerdquo is adapted from Gillian Marchenko Sun Shine Down (New York S Poetry Press 983090983088983089983091)

Cover design Cindy Kiple Interior design Beth McGill Images beach house copy Jill Battagliarevillion Images

people on beach copy James Adamsrevillion Images

ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983092983091983090983092-983092 (print) ISBN 983097983095983096-983088-983096983091983088983096-983097983097983090983092-983089 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

As a member of the Green Press Initiative InterVarsity Press is committed to protectingthe environment and to the responsible use of natural resources o learn more visit

greenpressinitiativeorgLibrary of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names Marchenko Gillian authoritle Still life a memoir of living fully with depression Gillian

MarchenkoDescription Downers Grove InterVarsity Press 983090983088983089983094 | Includes

bibliographical references Identifiers LCCN 983090983088983089983093983088983093983088983097983089983095 (print) | LCCN 983090983088983089983094983088983088983088983096983094983090 (ebook) | ISBN

983097983095983096983088983096983091983088983096983092983091983090983092983092 (pbk alk paper) | ISBN 983097983095983096983088983096983091983088983096983097983097983090983092983089 (eBook)Subjects LCSH Marchenko Gillian | Depressed persons--United

States--Biography | Depressed persons--Religious life--United StatesClassification LCC RJ983093983088983094D983092 M983091983095 983090983088983089983094 (print) | LCC RJ983093983088983094D983092 (ebook) | DDC

983094983089983094983096983093983090983095983088983088983097983090--dc983090983091LC record available at httplccnlocgov983090983088983089983093983088983093983088983097983089983095

P 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093 983089983092 983089983091 983089983090 983089983089 983089983088 983097 983096 983095 983094 983093 983092 983091 983090 983089

Y 983091983092 983091983091 983091983090 983091983089 983091983088 983090983097 983090983096 983090983095 983090983094 983090983093 983090983092 983090983091 983090983090 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094




C983151983150983156983141983150983156983155

P983137983154983156 O983150983141 B983151983156983156983151983149

983089 Uncle 983089983089

983090 Why Are You Smiling 9830891048631

983091 Major Depressive Disorder 983090983091983092 Who Am I 9830901048633

983093 Help 9830911048631

P983137983154983156 T983159983151 B983151983154983140983141983154983148983145983150983141

983094 Home 9830921048633

1048631 Bad Mom 9830939830931048632 Origins 983094983091

1048633 Work the Program 9830941048633

983089983088 Te Color System 10486311048631

983089983089 Will the Real Depression Please Stand Up 1048632983091

983089983090 Escape 1048633983091

983089983091 Te Lordrsquos Prayer 983089983088983089

P983137983154983156 T983144983154983141983141 B983154983141983137983147983156983144983154983151983157983143983144983155

983089983092 Taw 9830899830881048633

983089983093 Polygamy 983089983089983093

983089983094 Hide 983089983090983091

9830891048631 And Seek 98308998309010486339830891048632 Grow 9830899830911048631

9830891048633 Shame 983089983092983091




983090983088 Best Mom 983089983093983089

983090983089 Faith 9830899830931048631983090983090 Forced Praise 9830899830941048631

983090983091 Still Life 9830891048631983093

Acknowledgments 9830891048632983093

About the Author 98308910486321048633




Part One

BOTTOM




one

U983150983139983148983141

Donrsquot try to solve serious matters

in the middle of the night

P983144983145983148983145983152 K D983145983139983147

I stare at an episode of Hoarders on Netflix and check Facebook

back and forth back and forth Depression has landed me in

bed for about a week My old tricksmdashsleep more watch television

hold on for dear flipping life waiting for it to passmdasharenrsquot working

this time

I canrsquot sleep my mood off or wait it out It possesses unshakable

power over me I stand on the edge of a cliff in my own bedroom

I must keep still Otherwise I will plunge to my death ldquoPlease God

take this awayrdquo I pray when I can and then I lower myself into a

steaming bath to abate the ache of my limbs My thoughts muddy

I shiver I sleep for hours and wake up exhausted Always exhausted

No amount of sleep reenergizes me

Years ago I decided that a stay-at-home mom succumbing todaytime television equaled rock-bottom living I would turn on Te

View or another morning show while cleaning the living room and

turn it off a half hour later A productive person doesnrsquot watch V




10486251048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141

during the day right But today Right now Tis is nothing new

Irsquove been hiding in my bedroom watching bad television andsleeping on and off for days Weeks Months I donrsquot know

I click on Facebook the opposite of Hoarders because Facebook

is like the giant neon sign of life ldquoLook at me Isnrsquot my life greatrdquo

Te folks on Hoarders would rather you look at the pile of used

plastic bags theyrsquove gathered around them than at them

I lie on top of stale tousled black sheets in the room I share with

my husband As I scan my feed my eyes key in on an advertisement

on the right side of the screen ldquoDo you struggle with feeling down

Call this number and see if you qualify to participate in an exciting

new clinical trial Te experience includes monetary compensation

free psychiatric care and the opportunity to help individuals like

you who fight depression by sampling a new drug that could become

available on the market in the future because of your participationrdquoMy skin awakens Te sensation reminds me of a time when a

childhood friend got ringworm in grade school I walked to her

house after school for a chance to see a worm under her skin

moving around and around in circles but when I got there there

was only a red raised surface on her arm ldquolsquoYou see the worm It rsquos

right thererdquo She kept trying to convince me Little swirls now

cover my body A few words in the ad pique my interest I sit up in

bed and adjust the laptop on my legs

I cross and recross my legs at the ankles and move around the

laptop again I imagine my familymdashmy husband Sergei and our

four daughtersmdashand wonder what they are doing right now thekids are at school perhaps working on math problems or running

around in the gym and Sergei may be hunched over his computer

next door at the church where he works Irsquom home alone but I look




Uncle 10486251048627

around anyway afraid someone will see what I clicked on as if it

were something embarrassing like porn We donrsquot have a lot of money I want the compensation to fund

my dream of publishing the memoir I wrote about my third

daughter Pollyrsquos diagnosis of Down syndrome Chilled I hug

myself Te hair on my forearms stands up urging me to pay at-

tention I consider the other words in the advertisement that caught

my eye

A psychiatrist Someone who specializes in the human psyche Irsquove

never been to a psychiatrist for my struggles Te few times I took

medication in the past my primary care doctor prescribed them

and Irsquove often wondered if she knew her job ldquoOh Prozac isnrsquot

working that great anymore How about Zoloft Cymbalta PaxilrdquoMy childhood friend Carol says that taking medication is like

playing Yahtzee Put a bunch in a cup shake them up and roll the

dice If you are lucky you get a winning hand More information

about myself medication and mental illness in general would be

helpful right Could a psychiatrist help

Tis is problematic Do I fight depression

Historically I wouldnrsquot claim depression as a diagnosis Sure

Irsquove had difficult times in my life but up until these last few years

my struggles with mood revolved mostly around having babies

Although I was prone to melancholia and brooding my more serious

strugglesmdashthat is the times I couldnrsquot get my crap togethermdashwereall tied up with the kids I experienced postpartum depression after

three births and then again after we adopted Evangeline our fourth

daughter from Ukraine Polly and Evie both have disabilities




10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141

Sergei pastors a small church where shoveling snow cleaning up

spills and moving the chairs around are all as much a part of his jobas preaching My older girls Elaina and Zoya are young women

complete with mood swings and preadolescent angst Itrsquos a lot

right So is it depression or a challenging life

Irsquove searched lists of depressive symptoms online to see how I

check out Symptoms of depression according to various web-

sites include hopelessness aches and pains sleep issues and dis-

interest in things that once provided joy I donrsquot want to admit it

out loud but I know that all of these emotions take up more and

more occupancy in my heart I think of depression as a visitor

who comes more often uninvited unwelcomed and stays longer

than ever before

But then the fog dissipates for a few days and my mood alters

and I talk myself out of the diagnosis once again Later on after Iknow I have depression Irsquoll call this depression amnesia Every

time I start to do better I assume I will never feel that way again

I read somewhere that with each episode there is a 10486251048624 percent risk

that a personrsquos depression will become chronic I push that infor-

mation out of my mind Itrsquos not depression okay Itrsquos just a bad

afternoon A bad day A bad life

Te ldquoI wonrsquot get depression againrdquo notion is right up there with

the alcoholicrsquos avowal that one drink wonrsquot kill him I once found

a depression support forum online and stayed up all night reading

other peoplersquos posts Struggles with medication Toughts of

suicide Unable to have relationships or leave the house What a

miserable lot Terersquos no way I am one of them

I have no memories of staying in bed for days when Elaina andZoya were little except for the time right after their births And

when depression comes I can never figure out how it gets here

What are my triggers stress with the kids too much stuff at




Uncle 10486251048629

church friendships my relationship with Sergei I have no idea

Depression comes and go as it pleases and like a victim in a do-mestic abuse situation I assume Irsquom at fault Something is wrong

with me

A breeze blows through the bedroom window I opened earlier

A bird tweets like a metronome and I wonder how he can breathe

and tweet so long and so well Our neighbor onyrsquos voice calls out

I assume to one of his elderly parents in their backyard but I canrsquot

understand his words

I enjoy seeing onyrsquos mom and dad who live with him Tey

wear traditional Indian garb the mother modest saris in muted

browns and grays and the father long cream button-down shirts

with matching linen pants

A door slams and I think more about onyrsquos family When the

weather is warm his mother comes outside with an empty hamperand pinches the tops of clothespins letting stiff air-dried garments

fall into the basket in the early morning light Sometimes when I

feed Evangeline her breakfast cereal I watch this neighbor retrieve

the laundry while her husband perches on a tall stool close to her

looking on

Last week while I was out on our chipped blue porch I saw

onyrsquos dad hobble by on the sidewalk leaning on his cane Sergei

had mentioned something recently about a stroke and said his

health had gone downhill oday I startled when I saw him because

it had been so long ldquoDadrdquo ony yelled running through the alley

next to our house to catch him ldquoDad You canrsquot leave the house

without telling us Do you hear me Dadrdquo ony reached his father

bent down and put his hands on his knees to catch his breath Hisfather stared past him unresponsive

I lie in bed I think about life People are out and about in the

world doing daily things and Irsquom here again My body jailed by




10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141

mood Irsquom not even well enough to hobble around Is this now the

content of my life If so is it a waste Will I shrivel up like a raisinin my bed Will my neighbors one day be startled in surprise if

they see me outside because they havenrsquot seen me for so long

Irsquove never been hospitalized for depression I never found myself

driving eighty miles an hour toward the peak of a cliff with my kids

buckled into the backseat I never made plans to stuff our van

muffler with an old rag turn it on and stay in it with all the windows

closed tight But I have started to give up on my family on myself

and on life in general Tis again I think as I wake up in the

morning swing my legs over the side of the bed sit upright and

sigh I daydream about a nice bonk on the head one hard enough

to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep

I close my eyes and imagine the force of a car accident Irsquom inthe driverrsquos seat a car sideswipes me metal screeches against metal

pushing in squelching breath and then silence Just silence It

doesnrsquot sound bad not to exist anymore At least then I could stop

the negative thoughts that swirl around my head

You are a terrible mother You are a terrible Christian You are a failure

You donrsquot know what you are doing You are losing your effing mind

I stare at the Facebook ad about the clinical trial for depression

My heartbeat quickens as I reach up and push a strand of greasy

hair out of my eyes I need to call now without consulting Sergei

He is leery of doctors and would not agree to my participation I

pick up my cell phone from the bedside table and dial




two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103

Man is least himself when he talks

in his own person Give him a mask

and he will tell you the truth

O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141

A man with a deep voice answers the call and walks me

through a preliminary questionnaire Do you struggle

with depressive thoughts Yes Is your mood often low Yes Do

you have problems with sleep concentration or sexual arousal Yes

yes yes I snap my cell phone shut in tears after I answer the ques-

tions It is spring time 1048626104862410486251048625 early afternoon on a weekday probably

around one orsquoclock

A few days later a representative from the clinical trial calls back

while I work on a magazine article in the dining room downstairs

I clear my throat and concentrate on a steady voice ldquoI am interested

in participating Te ad stated there is compensationrdquo Yes there is

compensation I listen but words donrsquot compute Irsquom obsessed withthe money all of a sudden Irsquom an addict looking for her next fix

Why Is it because a psychiatric trial for money instead of need is

easier to stomach I cut the man off midsentence ldquoI want to




1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141

clarifymdashthere is compensation rightrdquo Yes compensation His

voice gets louder He is agitated My body weakens and starts toswoon reminiscent of the first time a cop pulled me over for

speeding in high school

ldquoI called a clinical trial for depression today after seeing an ad-

vertisement onlinerdquo I mention to Sergei later as he browns ham-

burger in a skillet in the kitchen for dinner ldquoTey want people to

test a new antidepressantrdquo Our kids (Elaina eleven Zoya ten

Polly six and Evangeline six) are scattered around the house I

have no idea what they are doing It doesnrsquot occur to me to find out

I have become an absent mom a guest in my home A nice family

friend who may notice the children once in a while and smile but

keeps to herself Off limits Shut down

Sergei as expected objects to the clinical trial ldquoWhy would you

want to ingest unknown and undertested medicine Arenrsquot you afraidof the side effects What if they figure out the drug is dangerousrdquo

Born and raised in Kyiv Ukraine Sergei lived through the

Chernobyl power plant disaster in grade school It occurred sixty

miles north of Kyiv but wind and weather brought the tragedy to

the front door of his fourth-story apartment building Te Dnipro

River which runs through the city splitting it into two large land

masses the right and left bank turned green Radiation rained

down on the country

ldquoI remember my mom called me in from outside She told me to

pack that my brother and I would take a train to Russia to stay

with my grandparents Tey didnrsquot tell us what had happened It

was a scary timerdquo Sergei said Rumors circulated Itrsquos been said that

people who decided not to leave their homes near Chernobyl tooksick and died Others grew extra limbs and lips swelled up to five

times their original size Residual damage of the explosion al-

though less powerful still exists today some say




Why Are You Smiling 1048625983097

We met when I took a year off from college to teach English in

schools and universities in Kyiv On the airplane to Ukraine ourleaders told us no matter what we were not allowed to date ldquothe

nationalsrdquo I got off the plane at one orsquoclock in the morning and

one of the first people I saw was a young boy with long greasy hair

acne all over his face and a skeletal build I joke that it was love at

first sight but it took us six months in Ukraine to fall in love Sergei

interpreted for the group I worked with and at the end of the year

he followed me to the States Wersquove now been married for thirteen

years Side effects and danger exist in Sergeirsquos world It isnrsquot some-

thing you watch on television or read about in a book as I did in

my tidy little upbringing in the Midwest

My parents have owned and operated a weekly newspaper for over

thirty years I have a brother Justin One sister Amy Irsquom the baby of

the family My folks built and maintained a typical middle-class American life in a small town in Michigan My childhood trauma

included breaking my left arm two times once near my shoulder and

once in my wrist Each time I rather liked the attention

I field Sergeirsquos concerns for two or three minutes and start to cry

ldquoI want to do this Sergei I want to be evaluated by a psychiatrist

And I can because it doesnrsquot cost anythingrdquo My tears force my

husbandrsquos concession and I decide not to mention the compen-

sation Irsquove gotten my yes Right now thatrsquos all I need Besides he

lives my struggles He realizes I need help We need help And he

knows me He knows I would cry until he said yes

wo weeks later I drive out to the suburbs of Chicago for the trial Tey administer a quick medical exam blood pressure urine

sample reflexes nose ears deep breaths while a cold stethoscope

presses against my chest Irsquom ushered into a tiny room with a small




10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141

desk and two chairs and a sink in the corner to complete yet an-

other questionnaire A cheerful man with a salt-and-pepper beard goes down the list

of questions rouble with sleep Change in diet Toughts of

worthlessness Unable to get excited Do you ever want to hurt

yourself Cloudy thinking I answer the questions smiling jittery

and nodding throughout mostly yeses

Irsquom showered and in clean clothes I havenrsquot looked this good in

a while I decide combed hair lacquered with Big Sexy Hair Spray

mascara shimmery lipstick But Irsquom concerned Tis is one of the

few times Irsquove talked about my depression in the midst of an ep-

isode in the presence of someone other than my husband Even

while saying yes to all the questions I attempt to act as if it is a

social interaction with a long-time friend Why this need to

perform On the inside I deem myself a failure I canrsquot do anythingright But on the outside I want people to see me and think I have

what they call ldquoitrdquo together

ldquoMrs Marchenko our tests indicate you suffer from major de-

pressive disorder Te numbers are low some of the lowest Irsquove seen

If the information is correct then you are extremely depressedrdquo I

nod my head and offer another shaky smile attempting to project

understanding and confidence

But inside I start to break down and break apart Major de-

pressive disorder Sounds ominous and final Sounds like a real

honest-to-God mental illness Is this what I wantedmdashconfirmation

of a cracked-up head A loss of life A saying of Jesus comes to

mind ldquoFor whoever wants to save their life will lose it but whoever

loses their life for me will find itrdquo (Matthew 1048625104863010486261048629) Yeah okay but what about those of us who watch our lives drift away and we do

nothing about it What if we no longer know who we lose our lives

for What if there seems to be no purpose or way to stop it





I reach my left hand up to my cheek and rub it for a second Irsquom

here right Irsquom still here My toe starts to tap Te cheerful manrsquoslips transition from a smile to a straight line He stares at me his

eyes attempt to pierce mine but I donrsquot let them I hold his stare

but block the piercing What does that say about me Tat now in

this pivotal moment in my life I still fake or at least try to fake

my feelings

Itrsquos because Irsquove disappeared already At some point my body

became a solid sheet of ice over a raging sea of emotions Te cold

I put out has caused people to look past me Tey started to see

through me Or not see me at all And now I am a master at pre-

tendingmdashthat is in front of anyone but Sergeimdashbecause I hate the

fear the guilt the paranoia Freezing meant a final attempt to hold

on to myself and not disappear stay cold and get through the day

But now I hear the diagnosis I sit in an uncomfortable chair ina bare cream-colored room In one moment my fingertips tingle

My feet begin to burn I start to thaw

No I canrsquot thaw No I imagine myself starting to crack and break

apart inside When my siblings and I were kids my mom took us

ice skating I donrsquot remember gliding across ice but I remember my

feet killing me afterward Back at home my mom ordered me to

undress ldquoake off your socks too Itrsquos best if you donrsquot have any-

thing on your feet right nowrdquo She set a bowl of tepid water in front

of a chair ldquoHere Sit Put your toes in thererdquo I stuck my feet in the

water and pain shot up my legs My feet were on fire burning

burning burning in a bowl of warm water ldquoIt hurts Mom Make

it stoprdquo I cried

Now at the clinical trial I watch myself thaw Hold yourself together Gillian Stay cold Donrsquot break

I suppose that as with frozen toes after ice skating one must be

stripped bare to start to thaw I thought I wanted thismdasha diagnosis




10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141

more information helpmdashbut now I donrsquot know I donrsquot want to

bring feeling back to my limbs because I have no idea how tohandle them I want to scream It hurts Make it stop Instead I stare

past the cheerful man and smile

ldquoWhy are you smiling I told you that you test in the severe

range of depressionrdquo He waits for an answer

ldquoUmrdquo I clear my throat ldquoI donrsquot know why Irsquom smilingrdquo Sweat

pours down my back between my shoulder blades Te cheerful

man who I assume is the psychiatrist but later find out conducts

preliminary testing looks at me with compassion Cracks run up

and down my body Can he see them Irsquom dripping Is he glimpsing

the real me

Te cheerful test takerrsquos face shows a pang of concern and then

poof itrsquos gone Cheery and smiley again he speaks ldquoWait in this

room Te doctor will be in to see you in a momentrdquo An hour later assured I am a perfect candidate for the trial I

drive home in a fog pulling my shirt up and wiping the wet makeup

off my face at stop signs At home I change into yoga pants and a

-shirt with a stain on it and crawl back into bed I sleep for the

next few hours until the rest of the family comes home from school

and work








S T I L L L I F E


with DEPRESSION

Gillian Marchenko

























P 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093 983089983092 983089983091 983089983090 983089983089 983089983088 983097 983096 983095 983094 983093 983092 983091 983090 983089

Y 983091983092 983091983091 983091983090 983091983089 983091983088 983090983097 983090983096 983090983095 983090983094 983090983093 983090983092 983090983091 983090983090 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094




C983151983150983156983141983150983156983155

P983137983154983156 O983150983141 B983151983156983156983151983149

983089 Uncle 983089983089



983093 Help 9830911048631

P983137983154983156 T983159983151 B983151983154983140983141983154983148983145983150983141

983094 Home 9830921048633

1048631 Bad Mom 9830939830931048632 Origins 983094983091

1048633 Work the Program 9830941048633

983089983088 Te Color System 10486311048631


983089983090 Escape 1048633983091


P983137983154983156 T983144983154983141983141 B983154983141983137983147983156983144983154983151983157983143983144983155

983089983092 Taw 9830899830881048633

983089983093 Polygamy 983089983089983093

983089983094 Hide 983089983090983091

9830891048631 And Seek 98308998309010486339830891048632 Grow 9830899830911048631

9830891048633 Shame 983089983092983091




983090983088 Best Mom 983089983093983089


983090983091 Still Life 9830891048631983093


About the Author 98308910486321048633




Part One

BOTTOM




one

U983150983139983148983141



P983144983145983148983145983152 K D983145983139983147





this time














10486251048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






























Uncle 10486251048627







my eye





















10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












than ever before




















Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






S T I L L L I F E


with DEPRESSION

Gillian Marchenko

























P 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093 983089983092 983089983091 983089983090 983089983089 983089983088 983097 983096 983095 983094 983093 983092 983091 983090 983089

Y 983091983092 983091983091 983091983090 983091983089 983091983088 983090983097 983090983096 983090983095 983090983094 983090983093 983090983092 983090983091 983090983090 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094




C983151983150983156983141983150983156983155

P983137983154983156 O983150983141 B983151983156983156983151983149

983089 Uncle 983089983089



983093 Help 9830911048631

P983137983154983156 T983159983151 B983151983154983140983141983154983148983145983150983141

983094 Home 9830921048633

1048631 Bad Mom 9830939830931048632 Origins 983094983091

1048633 Work the Program 9830941048633

983089983088 Te Color System 10486311048631


983089983090 Escape 1048633983091


P983137983154983156 T983144983154983141983141 B983154983141983137983147983156983144983154983151983157983143983144983155

983089983092 Taw 9830899830881048633

983089983093 Polygamy 983089983089983093

983089983094 Hide 983089983090983091

9830891048631 And Seek 98308998309010486339830891048632 Grow 9830899830911048631

9830891048633 Shame 983089983092983091




983090983088 Best Mom 983089983093983089


983090983091 Still Life 9830891048631983093


About the Author 98308910486321048633




Part One

BOTTOM




one

U983150983139983148983141



P983144983145983148983145983152 K D983145983139983147





this time














10486251048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






























Uncle 10486251048627







my eye





















10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












than ever before




















Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work



























P 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094 983089983093 983089983092 983089983091 983089983090 983089983089 983089983088 983097 983096 983095 983094 983093 983092 983091 983090 983089

Y 983091983092 983091983091 983091983090 983091983089 983091983088 983090983097 983090983096 983090983095 983090983094 983090983093 983090983092 983090983091 983090983090 983090983089 983090983088 983089983097 983089983096 983089983095 983089983094




C983151983150983156983141983150983156983155

P983137983154983156 O983150983141 B983151983156983156983151983149

983089 Uncle 983089983089



983093 Help 9830911048631

P983137983154983156 T983159983151 B983151983154983140983141983154983148983145983150983141

983094 Home 9830921048633

1048631 Bad Mom 9830939830931048632 Origins 983094983091

1048633 Work the Program 9830941048633

983089983088 Te Color System 10486311048631


983089983090 Escape 1048633983091


P983137983154983156 T983144983154983141983141 B983154983141983137983147983156983144983154983151983157983143983144983155

983089983092 Taw 9830899830881048633

983089983093 Polygamy 983089983089983093

983089983094 Hide 983089983090983091

9830891048631 And Seek 98308998309010486339830891048632 Grow 9830899830911048631

9830891048633 Shame 983089983092983091




983090983088 Best Mom 983089983093983089


983090983091 Still Life 9830891048631983093


About the Author 98308910486321048633




Part One

BOTTOM




one

U983150983139983148983141



P983144983145983148983145983152 K D983145983139983147





this time














10486251048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






























Uncle 10486251048627







my eye





















10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












than ever before




















Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






C983151983150983156983141983150983156983155

P983137983154983156 O983150983141 B983151983156983156983151983149

983089 Uncle 983089983089



983093 Help 9830911048631

P983137983154983156 T983159983151 B983151983154983140983141983154983148983145983150983141

983094 Home 9830921048633

1048631 Bad Mom 9830939830931048632 Origins 983094983091

1048633 Work the Program 9830941048633

983089983088 Te Color System 10486311048631


983089983090 Escape 1048633983091


P983137983154983156 T983144983154983141983141 B983154983141983137983147983156983144983154983151983157983143983144983155

983089983092 Taw 9830899830881048633

983089983093 Polygamy 983089983089983093

983089983094 Hide 983089983090983091

9830891048631 And Seek 98308998309010486339830891048632 Grow 9830899830911048631

9830891048633 Shame 983089983092983091




983090983088 Best Mom 983089983093983089


983090983091 Still Life 9830891048631983093


About the Author 98308910486321048633




Part One

BOTTOM




one

U983150983139983148983141



P983144983145983148983145983152 K D983145983139983147





this time














10486251048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






























Uncle 10486251048627







my eye





















10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












than ever before




















Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






983090983088 Best Mom 983089983093983089


983090983091 Still Life 9830891048631983093


About the Author 98308910486321048633




Part One

BOTTOM




one

U983150983139983148983141



P983144983145983148983145983152 K D983145983139983147





this time














10486251048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






























Uncle 10486251048627







my eye





















10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












than ever before




















Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






Part One

BOTTOM




one

U983150983139983148983141



P983144983145983148983145983152 K D983145983139983147





this time














10486251048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






























Uncle 10486251048627







my eye





















10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












than ever before




















Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






one

U983150983139983148983141



P983144983145983148983145983152 K D983145983139983147





this time














10486251048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






























Uncle 10486251048627







my eye





















10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












than ever before




















Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






10486251048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






























Uncle 10486251048627







my eye





















10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












than ever before




















Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






Uncle 10486251048627







my eye





















10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












than ever before




















Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






10486251048628 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












than ever before




















Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






Uncle 10486251048629



with me















looking on














10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






10486251048630 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141












to put me in a coma

I want deep sleep















two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






two

W983144983161 A983154983141 Y983151983157 S983149983145983148983145983150983143983103




O983155983139983137983154 W983145983148983140983141


















1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






1048625983096 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141





















down on the country









































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work




































10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






10486261048624 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141






































my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work












my feelings


























10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






10486261048626 S983156983145983148983148 L983145983142983141











the real me








and work






Documents

Still Life By Gillian Marchenko