Pastorale December 2014

2 | PASTORALE | DECEMBER 2014 WWW.PASTORALEMAGAZINE.COM

04 ON THE COVER

06 LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

08 HOMETOWN HEROES

12 MUSIC FEATURE - DEEP SEA DIVER

18 MUSIC ARTICLE - IT TAKES MONEY...

20 MUSIC ARTICLE - DELTA SPIRIT

26 BEAUTY ARTICLE - SKIN CARE BOOT CAMP

28 BEAUTY ARTICLE - ALL YOU NEED IS LUXE!

30 FASHION EDITORIAL - A SUNDAY SMILE

44 FASHION EDITORIAL - TWO SUNS 60 FASHION EDITORIAL - LOOKING GLASS SELF 72 FASHION EDITORIAL -IF YOU SEE HER SAY HELLO.

84 HOROSCOPE

86 IN THE NEXT ISSUE...


YEAR END WRAP UP!

OUR FIRST FIVE COVERSTHE DEVIOUS MEANS

ANASTASIA ASHLEYNIGHTMARE AND THE CAT

ASHLYNN YENNIEIKEY OWENS TRIBUTE

OUR FIRST FIVE HOMETOWN HEROESYELLOW 108

AURA KNIFEWORKSPARADIGM DESIGN

VAPE GODDESSMORGAN AMPLIFICATION

MISC.ZOLA JESUS

MAY MCDONOUGH AND COMPANYASHLYNN YENNIE

ANASTASIA ASHLEYCYMBALS EAT GUITARS

MICHAEL ROSAS


Pastorale is an online-only magazine, produced with the intent to unify music, fashion and lifestyle into a congruent publication. As individuals, we all possess a variety of diverse tastes; it is our purpose to mirror these variances and to incite reflection and intellect. We are not a men’s magazine. We are not a women’s magazine. We are a human magazine. Our articles are not fluff. We aspire to produce an experience for our readers, to compel thought provoking opinions and to inspire creativity in all. Collaboration is what makes this special. We are you.

ATTN:BANDS AND MUSICIANS

WE ARE GOING TO START DOING MUSIC/ ALBUM REVIEWS IN A

VERY FUN WAY. IF YOU’D LIKE TO BE REVIEWED,

SEND TO [email protected]

publisherPAULIFORNIA

editor in chiefPAUL RIVERA

managing editorJACKIE SUEHR

fashion & beauty directorSASHA GOLDENBERGER

music directorPAUL RIVERA

creative directorPAUL RIVERA

editorial contributorsCOREY MANSKE, SAM FLOYD,

AYLA HENDERSON, SASHA GOLDENBERGER, PAUL RIVERA

illustration contributorsBEN MATSUYA

photographic contributorsNATALIE ALLEN , PAULIFORNIA, DANA TRIPPE,

PRENTICE DANNER, MICHAEL CLIFFORD

Hey everyone. This month we’ve experienced some of the most painful of growing pangs. Sometimes we have to rely on others for content such as cover, music features (interviews, performances to take photos) editorials, beauty stories, and the photos that come with those. We need to be ready for anything that comes our way. This month we had two separate celebrity covers fall through. Two! Totally kicked my ass, but then I remembered it’s the end of the year. Let’s celebrate what we’ve accomplished in the 6 months we’ve been doing this magazine. In this short amount of time we brought a non-existent, online magazine to the point where in 6 months we have over 120,000 reads of our 5 issues. That truly is something to celebrate. Next year will be even more insane! We are growing our staff as well. Beginning with our January 2015 issue, we’ll have a new Creative Director and a new Beauty Director. We promise not to let this magazine turn into something ugly, corporate, and heartless. We plan on doing what we’ve been doing cause you all seem to like it. So my friends. Buckle-up cause we’re about to gun-it!

Despite the hurdles, speed bumps and storms we have another really (expletive) awesome issue for you this month. We’ve got some of our strongest editorials ever, a sick article from a new contributor on the band Delta Spirit with photos taken by yours truly, a nice chat with the band Deep Sea Diver, and another great music article and accompanying Illustration. Our end of the year cover is some of our favorite content from this year. Who knows, this might end up being a yearly thing! Anyway, speaking for the team and I, we are grateful that you’re reading. Our readers rule. No joke!

Your new best friend,

Paul R. RiveraEditor-in-Chief

P.S. Did you read the below message?

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HOMETOWN HEROES are Small Businesses, Hand Crafted Artisans,

Do It Yourselfers, and Inspirers. Trailblazing their ownpaths in their community by actually doing

something special with their hands, hearts and/ or minds.

Inspiration. Sit and really think of the meaning of that word. Now ask yourself are you inspirational? This month’s Hometown Hero Is Bri Seeley. She’s a talented clothing designer, she’s an author, a blogger, and an inspiration to many women. In her forthcoming book she asked 99 women 15 questions about themselves, and in doing so helps shed some light on making a start to self-identify with being inspirational. Take a moment to read all about Bri from her new book, to the materials she uses when designing clothing. Our inspirational Fashion Editor Sasha Goldenberger sits down to chat with Bri in her downtown Los Angeles design studio.

Pastorale: Being a fashion designer, people get their starts different ways, how did you get yours?

Bri Seeley: I got started being a fashion designer at a really young age. My grandma taught me how to sew at 7, and I started with Barbie pillows, and sleeping bags, and square and rectangular things, and then just progressed up into middle school and high school starting to make my own stuff. I would steal my mom’s patterns, mix and match the sleeves with the buttons- with the skirt, with all these different things to make my own stuff.

Then, in high school we had to keep a journal, like an art journal for art class and all of my stuff would be tailored towards fashion design. I designed my prom dress in high school and had someone else make it, and then ended up going to a four year school that had a fashion design program, got my bachelor’s and then my master’s, and then started my own company.

Pastorale: Then how did you get involved in the Inspirational Woman Project?

Bri Seeley: The Inspirational Woman Project was born out of the fashion company. The fashion company has always been centered around being a woman and what it means to be a woman, and how you communicate being a woman through your dress.

What I realized was that a lot of women don’t know what that means. We’re not really taught how to be women, and we don’t have really a lot of great role models about being women either and so I started a little blog, just a tiny blog series on my fashion website. 31 women talking about what it means to be a woman. About a week and a half in, I got some really strong intuition and ended up getting an invitation from Arianna Huffington to take the conversation onto their platform and basically was called to start writing this book, interviewing 99 women and then take it bigger and make it a movement, and now I’m doing a 10 city tour and concerts and stuff. Just one thing leading into another.

Pastorale: You’re on tour, when does that start?

Bri Seeley: The launch party will be in LA in February, and then I believe I’ ll be in Phoenix in March, San Diego in April, Minnesota in May, Seattle in June, and San Francisco in July. Then back in LA in August, and then September, October and November will be Chicago, New York and Miami, but I don’t know what quarter yet.

Pastorale: For the people who don’t know. What is “The Inspirational Woman Project”?

Bri Seeley: The Inspirational Woman Project was started as just an exploration of what it means to be a woman and throughout the 99 interviews that grew into something else. One of the questions was, “How do you inspire the world around you?” What I found was a lot of the women that I find most inspiring, and most influential, and most amazing, and beautiful, and powerful didn’t know how to answer that question. So many of them said, “Well, I don’t actually think I’m inspirational aside from you asking me to be on this book.” Or, “I had to ask my husband how I’m inspirational.” They weren’t able to stand in their power and say, “I am inspiration and here’s why.” It’s grown into what if ... I wonder what the world would look like if every single woman was able to look at herself in the mirror and say, “I am inspirational and here’s the gifts that I bring into the world, and how I’m going to impact the lives of the people around me?” One of the girls on the book had a really great sound bite that was ... She was one of the ones that said, “I don’t think I’m inspirational,” and I pushed her and I said, “You need to have an answer to this question. I’m not going to take that answer.” She finally came back to me and said, “All right, well, I figured out that you don’t have to be Mother Theresa, you don’t have to be Arianna Huffington, and you don’t have to be Princess Diana in order to inspire the world around you.” All of us can inspire our worlds in some way every day whether you’re a stay at home mom, or a district attorney, or whatever in-between. Every woman is inspiration in some way in the world. Now, my mission is to try and get women to see and embrace that within themselves. That’s part of what the 10 city tour is as well. I’ ll probably have a book signing and then trunk show one night, and then the next thing I think is going to be a workshop. Probably about 50 women going through this workshop of ... It will be some networking, but some personal empowerment and conversations starting, and trying to build communities within these cities of inspirational woman.

Pastorale: How did you become inspired by this topic? How did you find this inspiration?

Bri Seeley: It’s actually funny. As I’m going through this whole process of the 99 interviews, and getting the Kickstarter out, and all these things, I have this moment where I realized that I don’t look in the mirror necessarily and see myself as inspirational. It’s been a journey for me too to figure out how to inspire the world around me and how to use my voice, but for me, I think the biggest aha moment was one of my girlfriends said that she didn’t see herself as inspirational and I was like, “Huh?” These really impactful, powerful women that are in my

WHERE INSPIRATION AND FASHION COLLIDE.

MEET BRI SEELEY.INTERVIEW BY SASHA GOLD | STORY AND PHOTOS BY PAUL RIVERA

(Continued on page 10)

HOMETOWN HEROES are Small Businesses, Hand Crafted Artisans,

Do It Yourselfers, and Inspirers. Trailblazing their ownpaths in their community by actually doing

something special with their hands, hearts and/ or minds.


life that inspire me and this woman too, is like a brand new mom. She has a five month old daughter, and I’m like, “How do you not think that you’re inspiring?” At least her every day. That was where my biggest aha moment and inspiration came from, that I’m like, women don’t take credit enough for the things that we do in the world. I think that things could change a lot if we were able to in a positive way. Not in an egotistical way.

Pastorale: Yeah, for sure. Back to your clothing line. I know you have a specific use of fabrics that you like to use. You mostly use sheers with kind of more structured pieces.

Bri Seeley: Yes. I usually do-silk chiffon is one of my big pieces, and then also I do a lot of like cotton twills, and I do wool sometimes although it’s hard now living in LA that people here don’t wear wool. It is one of my favorite fabrics though. All my stuff is centered around femininity and so it’s a lot of the natural waistlines, the flowing chiffon stuff, but I do also like to pair it with the more structured stuff to give that dichotomy.

Pastorale: Do you ever feel like you just want to use spandex or something?

Bri Seeley: I made myself like a crop top out of lace in October. It worked for Fashion Week and it was cute. It wasn’t logistically correct though, I had to keep adjusting it all night. I didn’t make it quite as well as I should have, but sometimes I break out of the box a little bit.

Pastorale: Just for special projects?

Bri Seeley: Kind of, and if it goes well then I’d add it into the line, but for the most part, I stick with my aesthetic for now. Who knows how that will change over the years?

Pastorale: Would you say in your line that you are strictly inspired by women and everyday life, or do you have big style icons?

Bri Seeley: For the most part, it’s like an everyday woman because for me ... What I usually do is I try and make a sample that’s in my size and then I wear it out. I wear it around. I see what needs to change about it, what works, what doesn’t work. I try to incorporate pockets into all my things because for me ... I got to this event last night…and I don’t want to carry around a purse all night

because it will make my back hurt, but I have to have ... I had my keys on me, I’ ll have business cards on me, I have my cellphone on me, I have to have my wallet plus my notebooks for taking notes. I had to wear something with pockets and it just has to be something that’s comfortable, easy to wear, I’m not self-conscious and moves really well and it just has to be functional. I feel like that’s a lot of women. We’re all doing so many things all the time. Again, whether you’re a mom, or a district attorney, or whatever in between, we all have so many roles that we’re fulfilling every day, but the garments need to be wearable and useful for me being in the office here all day, and then driving to have happy hour, and then going to this event last night. I try to make stuff that’s wearable in a variety of situations and functional. Mostly just the everyday woman is who I design for because it’s my customer.

Pastorale: We hear you have a book coming out, when will that be available?

Bri Seeley: I just saw the pictures this week. I’ ll have the preview copies this week and then the actual physical copies should be here mid-December. Anyone that orders before then, the second ... the books are being shipped essentially 24 hours within the receipt of them getting here. They’re turned around immediately. Any orders that I get before they arrive will be shipped within 24 hours of the books arriving and then they should get to people before Christmas. Then any of them ordered after that, of course will go out probably after the holidays.

Pastorale: Then people can order them online?

Bri Seeley: Yes. Briseeley.com/shoplifestyle

Pastorale: What’s the name of the book?

Bri Seeley: ‘The Inspirational Woman Project’. It is 99 pages. Then the 100th interview is actually blank. I asked all 99 women 15 questions, and so the very last interview was just like boxes with the question and the woman, whoever is reading it or owns it can put their picture in and write their name in, and answer all the questions for themselves so that they can be part of ... Start self-identifying as inspirational!

For more information on her book and her clothing line visit Bri’s website at www.briseeley.com

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DECEMBER 2014 | PASTORALE | 13


I’m sure you’ve heard of bands like The Shins, Beck, Conor Oberst, Spoon, and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Front woman for Deep Sea Diver, Jessica Dobson, has played (and for a few of them still does) with all of these groups. But don’t let that overshadow her main project. Deep Sea Diver truly is something special, and deserves the same recognition of the previously mentioned heavy-hitters. Even on their recent tour supporting the band Delta Spirit, their talent and mu-sic shines bright. When the curtain opened at the show I recently attended, Deep Sea Diver had all their gear in front of Delta Spirit’s. They didn’t look like they had much room to play. It didn’t seem to bother them at all though. They played song after song just flawlessly. And yes, the guitar Jessica started the show with is the same guitar that we talk about below. At the left of the stage sat a man in a chair with a very serious look on his face, he just looked forward the whole time. My first thought was that is was possibly a hand signer for the deaf or something, but he sat there with a very straight forward face almost angry-not budging. I brushed it off as house security or something and contin-ued to watch Deep Sea Diver perform tracks off their new EP and a few older ones. Just amazing. So much talent in that band. I was right in front of the bass player Garret Gue who I was blown away by. Same goes for everyone really. Anyway, so the last song started and this tall serious dude stood up on stage and unzipped his sweater revealing a sweet shirt of a pug dog. Again, I thought it was security about to lay down the law on someone, but then he started dancing with what looked like all his heart. It was brilliant. His moves were chaotic and un-natural. He didn’t smile but danced with everything within him. He moved from the stage and then down to the crowd and kept dancing and getting every-one clapping. Picture this super-tall, skinny guy moving around dancing crazy clapping … he literally stood about a foot over everyone else. It was so fun! The ENTIRE venue smiled. Jessica introduced him as her brother. Genius. So good.

Right before Deep Sea Diver’s set we met outside and snapped some shots for the magazine (which I totally deleted by accident and hate myself for) anyway, we got to talking about how Jessica’s guitar and I are old friends, how the band gets encouragement on stage, and possibly a Christmas gift from Jes-sica to you.

Pastorale: So we’re here at the El Rey Theatre in Los Angeles with the band Deep Sea Diver. You guys are originally from LA right?

Jessica Dobson: Yes I’m from here and the rest of the boys are from Saint Louis, Montana, what’s the name of the town?

Garret Gue: Bozeman.

Jessica Dobson: Bozeman. I’ ll introduce the rest of the boys. Garret Gue is from Bozeman, Montana, and he plays bass. Elliot Jackson is from Saint Louis, Missouri, Peter Mansen is from Gig Harbor, Washington and I’m from Los Angeles and Orange County-but kind of border.

Pastorale: Orange County, like Huntington Beach?

Jessica Dobson: Not really….more like Whittier, La Habra area.

Pastorale: The reason why I say Huntington Beach, there is a funny story.

Jessica Dobson: Okay.

Pastorale: We are connected in a way, and you may have no idea how….?

Jessica Dobson: Really?

Pastorale: Yeah. You actually play a guitar that I used to own.

Peter Mansen: No way.

Jessica Dobson: Wait, the Jazzmaster? Are you kidding me?

Pastorale: I sold it to this shop in Huntington Beach and I tried buying it back the next day.

Jessica Dobson: No!

Garret Gue: No!

Pastorale: Yeah.

Jessica Dobson: That’s huge. You fucked up man! Hahaha that’s insane (group laughter).

Pastorale: Yeah haha. Yeah, I totally did. I sold it to the store. I have the whammy bar if you want it. (Jessica when you read this I’ll dig it up and get it to you)

Jessica Dobson: No way.

Pastorale: I seriously still have it.

Jessica Dobson: Do you have any idea how long it took me to find the right one for that thing? Because it came with a really sweet (interrupts herself) did you bring it?

Pastorale: No, I didn’t. I didn’t even know why I didn’t think about it. On the Jazzmaster I added the mastery bridge, which was a really good decision.

Jessica Dobson: You did right, you did.

Pastorale: I actually re-bought another Jazzmaster, it’s awesome but it’ll never be the Elvis Costello Jazzmaster.

Jessica Dobson: I’m sorry for your loss. Sorry, not-sorry though. Haha.

Pastorale: Yeah, seriously… it’s kinda sad cause I called them (the guitar shop) and I’m like, “Totally having regrets man and ...” His name was Tim and he was from “Gear-Trader” which is no longer around, and I’m like, “Totally having regrets, I’m coming back to pick it up.” He’s like, “Too late.” and I’m like, “I just sold it to you like last night!”

Jessica Dobson: Same case is that I’m like walking in the shop and that’s the first guitar that I saw and I brought cash with me because I was ready to throw down. I was just like, “Okay, I’m done” and now it’s been my work horse ever since.

Pastorale: Yeah, that was my baby. It’s one of those ones that got away, you know but it’s funny Tim (Gear Trader guy) said, “Some chick bought it for this band Deep Sea Diver” and I’m like, “Cool.” Then later I Googled you and saw a picture of you with it and it hurt a little haha.

Jessica Dobson: Man, so how did you trace it to me then?

Pastorale: You mentioned Deep Sea Diver when you bought it cause Tim from that shop told me about you guys.

Jessica Dobson: Okay, yeah.

Pastorale: Anyway, after a while it was just one of those kind of things… it’s funny how small the world really is.

Jessica Dobson: Yeah.

Pastorale: Every now and then I’ll search for another one to buy, but they’ve gone up in price quite a bit. I think you got in right at the right time.

Jessica Dobson: I’ve never seen these around, ever. That’s cool man, I’m sorry though.

Pastorale: No, that’s awesome. I’ll be ok cause I have a good Jazzmaster now, we’re set, we’re all good haha.

Jessica Dobson: Yeah, he just got one too. (Pointing to Elliot Jackson)

Peter Mansen: Yeah.

Elliot Jackson: It’s cool.

Pastorale: Best guitar ever made I think. I love that sound ... I like telecasters but I’ll always love a Jazzmaster a little bit more.


Pastorale: But anyways, so you guys are currently supporting Delta Spirit? Was that the case for your full tour?




Jessica Dobson: Yeah, it was. Originally we were just going to support here, and try to build a tour off of it. Then we got offered Seattle which is our hometown now, and then San Francisco.

Pastorale: You guys just recently came out with an EP which I thought was great. It’s really good.

Jessica Dobson: Thank you.

Pastorale: How has the overall response been on the EP? (Titled ‘Always Waiting’)

Jessica Dobson: It’s been really sweet. I think people are ready for a new recording, and it’s like I like the variety of songs that are on the EP and just the new form of collaboration, because before the EP came out, we just had ‘History Speaks’ and Garret and Elliot weren’t in the band yet.

Pastorale: Okay.

Jessica Dobson: It has a fuller- definitely a different, way unique vibe...

Pastorale: So is this a prelude to a full length or...


Peter Mansen: We are going back ... when we get home, and we are going to finish it up. We have maybe one track left to conjure it up, and then hopefully we’ ll start mixing it in two or three weeks.

Pastorale: Now, are you guys recording all yourself?

Peter Mansen: No, we’ve recorded it down here in Burbank with this guy Darrell Thorp (sometimes spelled Thorpe) whose kind of a bad-ass.

Pastorale: It sounds familiar. Peter Mansen: Yeah, he’s basically like Nigel Godrich’s (English recording engineer) main man, and so he’s ... he worked on ‘Hail to the Thief ’ (Radiohead), ‘Sea Change’ (Beck) and ‘Talkie Walkie’ (Air). He’s kind of a master, and just working with him ... I’ve never seen great sounds gotten so fast. Usually you’re kind of tinkering for a while and tuning drums, getting microphone placements forever. Then five minutes in, then setting up the drums, he had me playing, and he said, “All right, I’m done. Come listen to the drum sets up.” There’s no way. So I went back there and they were just huge and thick and perfect.

Pastorale: That’s seriously amazing. So now the band is consisting, of drums, bass and two guitars?

Jessica Dobson: Yeah, we’ve got a lot of keyboards on stage now too because Elliot plays keys as well.

Elliot Jackson: We don’t play them, they’re just on stage.

Pastorale: Well I guess ... (jokingly) just in case you want to tune a guitar, “here’s an E”.

Group: (Group laughter).

Peter Mansen: They just have little encouraging notes on them for us to read.

Pastorale: “You can do it, keep up the great work.” haha

Peter Mansen: “You’re a barely good drummer keep it up.” (group laughter)

Pastorale: Is this your first time out with this line up of Deep Sea Diver?

Peter Mansen: On tour, yes.

Jessica Dobson: Yeah, we’ve done a ton of one-offs, but not on proper tour.

Peter Mansen: It’s been really dandy.

Pastorale: How far are you guys going with this tour? How long is it?

Jessica Dobson: This is it; the end right here. Just the West Coast. We went a little further south and did Orange County on Sunday.

Pastorale: Now when’s your next tour? What’s the next plan? Or do you want to finish the record?

Jessica Dobson: In 2015 we have a few festivals and one-offs in the North West. It’s easy to stay up there. But yeah, this is the end of this, and then in 2015 will hopefully be chalk-full of touring.

Pastorale: Awesome, do you guys have a name for the new record?

Jessica Dobson: No, not yet. Names are things I come up with last.

Pastorale: What about writing, is it mostly you (Jessica) or is it an overall collaboration?

Jessica Dobson: This record is definitely the most collaborative effort that we’ve participated in. A lot of the times it comes from- the original idea comes from something that Peter will be messing around with, something on an acoustic or I’ ll have a melody in my head. Then we usually try to … (referring to Peter) we live together, and so it’s the easiest thing to just play something down and record it, and bring it to the boys. Sometimes we have an idea together.

Pastorale: (thought Jessica meant the whole band) So, living together, is that hard too?

Jessica Dobson: Well we’re (Peter) married so that’s... Pastorale: Well there you go! Haha. I was thinking that you meant the whole band lives together.

Garret Gue: I noticed, that was ... weird for second haha.

Jessica Dobson: No, actually 75% of the band lives together because Elliot lives with us too. Garret lives a stones-throw away.

Pastorale: I just pictured you guys all huddled in like a studio apartment… oh the stories you could have told!

Jessica Dobson: Oh man. I don’t think we’d be a band still if we lived in a studio apartment.

Elliot Jackson: It’s way smaller than that (group laughter).

Pastorale: That’s awesome. All right cool, is there anything that you guys want to plug or anything that is coming up?

Jessica Dobson: Well, I intend, it’s a little late in the game to begin, but I intend to either cover or write another - I like to do a Christmas song every year. Just give it out for free. Keep your eyes peeled for that.

Check out the band at http://thedeepseadiver.com where you can go to their Bandcamp site and get yourself a little gift from Jessica. Also make sure and watch the video for ‘One by One’ which features Jessica’s brother men-tioned above.




There are plenty of bands getting paid to perform their music, but that doesn’t mean the pay-to-play model has gone away – it’s actually bigger than ever. We have all paid money to see a band that actually paid to perform. There are so many well-intentioned music fans paying at the door thinking their money goes to the band. Well, it doesn’t. Truthfully, there are occasions when the band might see a tiny sliver of that money, but they are few and far between.

Believe it or not, the popularity of pay-to-play has continued to swell, reaching bigger venues than ever before. As a musician in a working band, I recognize the simple fact that it’s part of the deal. Honestly, the majority of bands actually getting paid already have hit songs, hit records, popular videos, reality shows or all of the above. Cover bands get paid too – pretty well actually – because venues, promoters and fans are willing to pay to hear songs like AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” or “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd along with countless others.

Since I don’t play in a cover band and my band doesn’t have any industry-certified hits, I’ve been confronted by the pay-to-play scheme more times than I care to count, just like most of my fellow musician friends. Usually venues hoodwink bands into selling a certain number of tickets or at very least, require the band to essentially guarantee how many people will come to see the show. I get it. Everyone has to cover their nut. It’s Business 101, and as we all know, every business arrangement has at least two sides.

From the venue’s perspective, they have to ensure they bring in enough money to cover food, liquor, payroll, rent and utilities. Therefore, setting a cover charge at the door or a ticket price and establishing a minimum required attendance to cover those expenses seems reasonable.

From the promoter’s perspective, they get paid by the venue to pack the place. Therefore, stacking multiple bands (regardless of genre) onto one show increases the probability for more traffic through the front door and past the bar to buy drinks. It also shortens the performance length of each band which possibly (hopefully) tricks people into staying longer (spending more money) because the band they came to see only played seven songs and another band is already climbing onstage to play using mostly the same equipment.

From the band’s perspective, they are proud of the music they worked so hard to create and they really want a chance to perform it live for friends, family, total strangers at the show about to become new fans or the record company executives lurking in the shadows ready to make all the rockstar fantasies a reality. Therefore, in some cases bands will do whatever it takes to get on stage, in front of people and rock. If that means selling a ton of tickets or guaranteeing thirty people will come at 11:30 on a Tuesday night, or giving tickets away and chipping-in to cover the cost – so be it.

Let’s just cut to the chase here. The venue is a hotel, the promoter is a pimp, and the band is a hooker. To some degree, that statement is true whether you’re offended or not. Everybody knows there’s a big difference between a $20 crack whore in a Long Beach alley and an upper-echelon professional escort in Las Vegas. The trick (see what I did there) is determining where your band falls on the hooker scale. Once you do that, you can book the corresponding hotel for conducting business. A local Chicago band can’t headline two nights at Wembley Stadium and much to my chagrin, Rush won’t be performing at the Viper Room anytime soon…or…ever.

Unfortunately for the band, there can be a pretty severe emotional impact associated with participating in pay-to-play situations. Ironically, most venues and promoters don’t actually promote their shows. That means the band is forced into a schmoozy social media campaign if they plan to sell any tickets or rally fans to the show. It’s hard not to feel a little slimy when you’re asking people to spend money on you. And to make matters worse, it sucks to be in a band asking people to spend money to see the show while already KNOWING your band won’t see a dollar of it. It’s really hard to shake that used car salesman feeling.

So far I’ve offered compelling evidence to support the notion that pay-to-play is a super shitty idea, which will make the following sentence seem completely absurd. Sometimes paying to play is totally worth it. At the end of

the day it all comes down to the actual strength of an opportunity. If your nearly-unknown band sounded like a cross between Foo Fighters and The Black Keys and you could generate $5,000 to play a 35 minute set to open a sold out Foo Fighters show at Staples Center, WHY WOULDN’T YOU? As opportunities go, that would seem to be worth every penny. When Dave Grohl and the boys hit the stage, there would be roughly 20,000 fans ready for some rock music. So if your band went on two hours before that, a solid estimate would be to cut that number in half. 10,000 music fans ready to hear your music. Do you mean to tell me you wouldn’t spend 50 cents per attendee for that kind of exposure? Okay. What if $5,000 bought you TWO sold out nights back-to-back? You wouldn’t spend a quarter on each potential new fan? Think of how many shirts and CDs you’d sell at the merch booth right next to all the Foo Fighters stuff. Imagine your iTunes, Facebook, Twitter, Soundcloud & Instagram traffic in the days following the shows and DURING the shows themselves! You could make your money back almost instantaneously. You could possibly quadruple it while also generating a legitimate industry buzz. Who knows what other opportunities that buzz could provide. Who knows if Dave Grohl wouldn’t want to have your band record at his studio, or open all the shows on the West Coast leg of the tour, or…or…or. You get my point. Now that five grand seems pretty small right?

Let’s take it to the ultimate level. I’ve heard several musicians complain about bands having to pay to perform during halftime at the Super Bowl. I get it that the performance is perceived to be entertainment for the viewers while players get some Gatorade and a breather, but don’t get it twisted…it’s really an advertisement. Sure, there are logos for various products in every camera angle but that performance is also presenting the band itself as a product. Advertising hinges on positioning and product placement which makes the Super Bowl halftime show another commercial. It’s a longer, un-interrupted, multi-faceted advertisement which airs during the most watched American television broadcast event of the year with an audience that spans every demographic group. Last year’s Super Bowl boasted an eye-popping 115.3 million viewers and the average cost of a 30-second advertisement was $4 million. Based on that, a 20 minute halftime advertisement slot would cost roughly $160 million. Uh…hello… OF COURSE the band has to pay a small portion of that!! Playing at halftime during the Super Bowl would be like opening for the Foo Fighters multiplied by ten thousand. Sure the price tag on that opportunity is probably pretty steep, but huge bands (or bands with a lot of capital) will line-up to pay it for decades to come and for exposure of that magnitude, they would be crazy not to.

Obviously, not every opportunity is worth paying for. Weighing the factors of risk and reward within every potential opportunity clearly proves that. The problem is there aren’t enough bands, promoters or venues taking the time to differentiate strong opportunities from weak ones. Why do bands have to sell the same number of tickets for a 9 o’clock slot on a Saturday night at a venue with a fantastic reputation as an 11:30 slot on a Tuesday night at a venue with a mediocre reputation? That’s completely ridiculous!! Certainly the venue and promoter are to blame, but so are the bands for perpetuating the insanity of that arrangement. Referring to bands as hookers might’ve been a low blow (see what I did there) but HOLY SHIT…too many bands are willing to do too much for too little. As long as that’s the case, the alleys will be overrun by $20 crack whores with pretty weak opportunities. None of us will get out of the gutter until we start choosing our opportunities more carefully. If we all stopped paying for those 11:30 slots on Tuesday nights, the promoters and venues would eventually lower their price or stop asking all together. If we all started saving our money for slots WORTH paying for, we could start competing with each other for those truly primo slots. That competition would breed better bands. Those bands would create and feed a more vibrant music scene. That scene would produce higher quality entertainment all the way around and that could keep pay-to-play in check. Would the crappy venues disappear? Maybe. Would some awful bands break-up? Probably. Honestly, some of that would be a good thing but both could also use the shift as an opportunity to improve and ultimately succeed. That would completely transform the current scene and we’d begin to see good bands, playing for good promoters, in good venues, only paying for strong opportunities to generate more goodness. From every angle, that sure seems like a win to me.

WRITTEN COREY MANSKE ILLUSTRATION BY BEN MATSUYA



I first stumbled across Delta Spirit’s EP ‘I Think I’ve Found It’ somewhere in ‘06/’07. Loved it. Played the hell out of it. I never went back to look for more, and never made it to a show, but it settled into the regular rotation of albums that I shuffle through at work. Fast forward to 2010. Some tickets came my way for their show in Los Angeles at the El Rey. I was persuaded into going. I had the night off from one of two jobs, but it was a particularly terrible day and I was dreading the rush hour drive to LA. Needless to say, I grudgingly sucked it up, slogged through the traffic, and arrived at the El Rey in what I wouldn’t describe as a ‘fun having’ mood. The opening bands were good – good enough to pick up a CD. Then came the main attraction. I don’t want to exaggerate, but Delta Spirit’s set was life changing. Not in a – I’m going to sell all my possessions and just walk the earth – kind of way, but in a – I think everything’s actually going to be alright, like life and the overall big picture – kind of way. I know how terribly cliché it sounds, but there was just something amazingly inexplicable about that night. In my long history of shows, this particular show was monumental, despite all the contributing factors being stacked against it. This is who Delta Spirit is to me, and they continue to deliver every time. Show after show, album after album, I am amazed at the band’s ability to evolve. They have matured into something much more soulfully complex than the wild eyed busker fronted indie rockers I was first smitten by. There’s a palpable depth of emotion on ‘Into the Wide’ that only comes from life experience. The collective journey they have taken as a band has shaped the sound of their music. If you really listen, you can hear where they’ve been, and if you happen to find yourself at a concert, they’ll show you.

A light drizzle fell as we waited in line at the Observatory on Halloween night. We brought my daughter, it was her second Delta Spirit show (she’s an old hand now). A handful of concert goers donned ghoulish animal masks and flitted about the parking lot. When the doors finally opened, we quickly made our way to the rail – better viewing for us short folk, grabbed a cocktail, and headed to the merch booth. ‘Shout’ out to the band for putting a signed drum head up for sale. Proceeds went to charity, I don’t know which charity, it was loud…there was gin…I had to have it. So with my well-worn drum-skin in hand, and new tee shirt for the daughter, we headed back to our claimed viewing area. The guy next to us drove down from Utah, or maybe it was “over from Colorado.” Either way, it was way more than the 8 miles I committed to, and

I applaud his dedication. He’d been to the last few shows in a row, and was still fired up to see them again. We talked shows and bands for a while as the place filled in. It was a welcome distraction from the Bro-tacular Animal Farm assembling in ‘the pit.’ I put the pit in quotes there because, you know… Orange County. The opener was your standard, run of the mill, opening band. They weren’t bad, they weren’t great, but they WERE in costume. They had fun with it and made for an enjoyable performance.

The house was packed as Delta Spirit took the stage with ‘From Now On.’ The stage exploded with shapes and colors as the crowd took in the latest visual accompaniment. At face value, it was relatively innocuous. It looked as if someone constructed an enormous set of vertical blinds and skipped every other panel. The film, for lack of a better word, was projected onto the entire stage area from the house. Everything was washed with media – the panels, the drums, the amps, Matt and Brandon’s shirts. As they played, their presence cast shadows on the panels behind them. Every movement left a void, but the band remained bathed in geometric shapes and patterns. They were integrated into the light display and it gave the performance tremendous depth. Here and there the projection was peppered with what looked to be old stock film footage that flooded the house with an air of nostalgia. It was as if you were reminiscing over old reel to reel home movies and Delta Spirit was the soundtrack playing in your head. It may sound overwhelming on paper, but I assure you, it was expertly executed. The visuals weren’t a distraction. They didn’t detract from the music, or muddle the band’s stage presence. They complemented the performance in a way most bands fail to manage.

They rolled into ‘Tear it Up’ next, and from there ‘Empty House.’ This song gets me every time. There’s something incredibly personal about it. The first time I heard it, it filled my head with a very distinct image. When I was younger, I took a Greyhound from Missouri to California, and as the road stretched out before me, I spent hours lost in thought watching America pass by the window of that bus. For me, this song puts me right back at that dingy window quietly reflecting on life. The projector slowly immersed the stage with more stock footage - footage of treetops, and sky, and streetlights passing by, as if someone were filming upward out of a car window on a long drive. This performance couldn’t get any more perfect for me at this moment. Then, of



course, there’s the song itself. The lyrics tell a story of hard work, personal setbacks, and the futility of it all, but the music tells a very different story. They have crafted a sound that rings of perseverance in the face of adversity. Without saying a word, it picks you back up, dusts you off, and encourages you to stay the course, wherever that course may lead.

This is where Delta Spirit excels, in my opinion. They have truly married the lyrics with the music. They were always good at it, but over the years they have refined their technique and honed their skills, and now they have become extraordinary storytellers. Their latest incarnation, ‘Into the Wide’, was a remarkable tour de force, and the songs sound even better live. Add to that, Matt sings as if his life depends on it. In many ways, I suppose it does. The urgency in his voice and the fire in his eyes are bolstered up by the entire band. Every single person on the stage is consumed with the same zeal, and that may just be the key. Delta Spirit isn’t just a band with a front man. It’s as if each and every one of them, in some small way or another, has sacrificed a little bit of their soul for their craft, and as a result, the music has been given a life of its own.

For the record, I do realize that I’m only on song three of 18, so I’ll pick things

up. The show continued in very much the same fashion. The new songs integrated seamlessly into the old material making for a consistent musical through-line. They went from ‘Live On’, and ‘Hold My End Up’, into ‘People C’Mon’ – another crowd favorite. This is yet another instance of the live performance surpassing the accomplishments of the recorded work. The audience rallied together and gave a little bit of themselves back to the band, filling the room with a discernable positive energy. After that, they played ‘Take Shelter’, which I very much enjoyed. It’s always interesting to see how songs translate to the live performance, and this one was a bit of a mixed bag.

The stage is dimly lit for most of the intro. The lights slowly come up to reveal Matt on the ground, hunched over in front of an amp. He looks knowingly across the room and lets his head fall back down – eyes closed, head keeping the beat. He slowly makes his way to the mic, brushing his matted hair from his eyes as he begins to sing. He looks tired. This is the tail end of the tour and I wonder if the miles are beginning to take their toll. The music is spot on, the lyrics are solid, but Matt’s countenance is worn thin as he sings, “Take Shelter. Take refuge.” He opens his arms to the crowd, “With the people who love you.” He goes on to sing of being much older, getting knocked down over and over again, and of waiting, but nothing ever


comes. Again he sings a melancholy tale, desperately pleading with the listener to wait till it’s over. It’s as if he’s staying behind as he solemnly promises that everything will be alright. The music nearly drowns Matt out as they rally into a crescendo – they travail one final time to compel us to ‘Take Shelter’. For a relatively low key song this performance was rich with undertones, and although it may not have been exciting in the traditional sense, it was moving and heartfelt.

‘Yamaha,’ ‘Bushwick Blues,’ ‘Language of the Dead,’ ‘Patriarch,’ they were all great. They’re all always great. Matt took a seat at the piano for ‘Trashcan.’ Like a modern day Jerry Lee Lewis he assailed the keys and the room exploded with energy. This is the song. That – stop whatever you’re doing, turn it up to 11, and sing along at the top of your lungs until you lose your voice – song. I’d say it’s just me, but the whole house was on the same page. We gave the band some stiff, albeit horribly off key, competition. They played ‘Children,’ ‘California,’ ‘White Table,’ and topped it all off with ‘People, Turn Around’ - a parting supposition on seeking contentment.

The Halloween night encore began with Will McLaren, the lead guitarist, in a tighter-than-skin-tight cat suit, provocatively slinking out onto the stage like some sort of feline burlesque show. The rest of the band made their way to the stage

in a variety of different body suits. Matt’s suit wasn’t quite right. I believe the first words out of his mouth were, “this was the worst idea ever.” Then there was a little something about a broken zipper, and the costume being a child’s medium, before they tore into ‘Streetwalker.’ It was a blast, the crowd ate it up, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that there were a lot of . . . ummm. . . bulges during the encore. Some things were seen that cannot be unseen. They brought the house down with a rendition of ‘Gimme Some Motivation’ that bled into ‘Shout’. The place looked like the Toga Party scene in Animal House with Otis Day & The Knights – unabashed frolic and pandemonium. It was a fitting end to a great performance.

Admittedly, I am a die-hard Delta Spirit fan. Some might even argue that I’m teetering precariously on the precipice of super-fan status. It’s probably best I don’t mention that I also have a signed piano key from one of their decommissioned pianos. It’s all part of my 30 year plan to construct a life size Delta Spirit diorama with real instrument ‘materials,’ but I digress. Please don’t let my passionate preoccupation dissuade you from giving these guys a good listen, and if you ever have the opportunity to catch them live – do it. Your soul will be richer for the experience.


beauty

DECEMBER2014 | PASTORALE | 27

Our skin is constantly changing and the regimen you may have used 10 years ago doesn’t cut it anymore. Much like dieting and exercise, skincare maintenance begins with the body. When you travel, or move to a new region, your skin can go into what I call “freak out mode” during a time of adjustment. There are special cases, but the origin of basic skin health is much deeper than cleanse, tone, moisturize.

Do, Don’ts, and Tips.Keep it clean

No matter the daily routine, wash your face a minimum of 2x a day. Even on lazy days, not wearing makeup still requires removal of oils, pollution, and dead skin cells. Avoid cleansers with acne medicine, unless doctor prescribed, as well as toners with sterilizing properties such as alcohol. Anyone living in cities known for heavier pollution levels need to be even more attentive to their routines. Avoid over washing and limit your removals to no more than 3x a day. My favorite deep cleansing tool is the Clarisonic Mini ($99) www.clarisonic.com

Maintain a natural humid moistureHealthy bacteria work to regulate your skin’s natural pH balance.

These bacteria thrive in warm, humid, clean atmospheres. Over washing, use of alcohols, and anti-bacterial cleansers can sterilize your skin creating a harsh environment for these bacteria. There are great ways to keep humidity around your skin naturally even if you live in a dry climate, like Los Angeles. Jogging, hiking, or simply sitting in a steam room is ideal. This opens the pores to allow breathing and room for deeper toxins to escape. Opt for a hot bath over trying to steam the shower. Achieving a full body sweat is important.

Feed your faceEating your vegetables is more important than ever. Nut proteins,

berries and leafy greens can make huge strides in the appearance of your skin. Foods with natural fatty acids, like Omega-3, 6, & 9 will help to maintain your natural hydration structure. You can find these in fish, vegetables, or as a supplement additive. Eating vitamins A, C, & E create more resilient skin and work faster internally than topically. Kiwis, strawberries, oranges, spinach, kale, almonds, and walnuts are all amazing for the skin. You can easily whip these up into a smoothie and head out. Avoid fried foods, excessive dairy, and sugar. Do some research and find your new favorite combination.

Tip: replace your dairy milk with unsweetened almond milk with built-

in rich omegas.

Smoking, Stress, and Sun.Top skin killers are caused by smoking, stress, and over exposure

to the sun. Smoking shows immediately on the face, creating a gritty, dehydrated surface. Experts have proven that just one month of quitting will make a huge improvement in your skin’s health. Stress is working against you as well; try to find different ways to deal with day to day anxiety, such as walking, yoga, or even kick boxing if you need to blow-off major steam. It’s good for the mind and body to have a release valve. Over exposing yourself to the sun is dangerous, however the sun provides vital nutrients that your skin needs to be healthy. Never burn your skin under direct sunlight, but you shouldn’t be afraid of it either. It’s important that you get about 10- 25 minutes a day of indirect sunlight (8am-10am or 4pm to 6pm). It has been proven that taking a sunny stroll also eliminates stress. Be aware that too much sunscreen can be a major culprit of clogged pores and break outs.

Tip: long sleeve shirts and a fashionable large sun hat are more effective at blocking the sun than sun-screen. If you do plan on doing outdoor activities during the peek of day and need to dress lightly, then apply a sun-block.

7 Day Beauty Boot CampOur goal is to get the skin routinely open and warm to purge toxins, and then rebuild

your dermis into a self-sustaining powerhouse with vitamins. A full skin cycle can take up to 1 month, but for extreme rehabilitation I have created a 7 day beauty boot camp.

Things you’ll need: • A blemish extractor (found at any beauty supply, one with loops on either end).• Greens and Vegetables + Blender to make a smoothie, or locate your local smoothie spot.• Fish to eat or Omega-3, 6, or 9 liquid supplements to add to your smoothies.• Comfortable yoga pants.• pH balanced cleanser.• SPF-free moisturizer.

Continued skin maintenance:Wash and moisturize 2x a day.Stretching or yoga 3x a week.

Eat fish at least 2x a week.15 minute morning walks 2x a week.

Extract blemishes 1-2x a month if needed or see an esthetician for help.Drink healthy smoothies to replenish your body.

You have the ability to live with great, natural skin. When you try to fight or cure nature with chemicals, it can become difficult to maintain long-term sustainable health. Healthy skin stems

from a complete cycle of internal health and regular topical maintenance.

Day 7



It’s that time of year again – holiday parties galore! And the neglected holiday section in our closet is revisited. Let’s talk about the small fortune we spend on that cozy oversized sweater to pair with those fabulous over the knee boots, and the outer-wear to match. We’re all guilty, but we can all relate to the endless rush of holiday celebrations to come. New RSVPs mean a new dress, or shoes, or both. Prepping for the flood of soirees is overwhelming enough, so this year we think less is more! Let those bold pieces that spice-up our outfits speak for themselves. When putting together an ensemble for your festive night out, here is one piece of advice - pick an avenue and strut it! This year, it’s okay to mix fabrics, but there’s a fine line between fashion do’s and looking like wrapping paper. Too much glitz and glam can overwhelm even the shiniest of Christmas trees. Print-heavy items make a statement on their own and with winter whites once being a dominant trend for holiday fashion, it’s safe to say there are other alternatives. Here are some tips and ideas to help navigate you through the season!

A simple, little black dress will never get old, but to try something different, jazz it up with an elegant, luxe, sparkly, statement necklace. The LBD is so commonly flattering on any female physique. It can be dressed-up different each time you wear it - no one will know that you wore it to the company work function the month before. Taking that same LBD silhouette to step out of your comfort zone, try it in deep hues of green or eggplant.

It’s that time of year when making a statement takes center stage, ’tis the season where the search contin-ues for THE party dress. Sequined dresses are all the rave and will continue to be for ringing in the New Year. In this particular case, own that sequin dress but keep the rest of your ensemble simple and understated. Or try a POP of red on the lip with effortless pumps sealing the deal. A little red dress is a holiday must! It’s the perfect color for the festive season, and a great piece to accessorize simply.

The change of seasons is a beautiful thing, and winterizing your wardrobe for the colder weather or hol-iday get-togethers has become that much easier. For the days that aren’t spent at parties or showing holiday spirit, layering saves the day. Layered garments gives us a chance to stay warm under all of those fashion-forward pieces-a sweater dress, a chunky cardigan with a cape to top it off, for one.

Holiday planning and shopping has a tendency to get the best of any-one, and yes it happens to us all. Try not to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of who, and what to wear this holiday season. It may leave little to no time to plan your winter wardrobes, so when in doubt-keep it simple, but never forget to add a dash of sparkle!

Top- Others FollowNecklace- vintageBeanie-Yellow 108

Hat-Yellow 108Rings- Paradise Metal Art

Necklace- Sasha Gold’s Treasures, vintage, & Krew Dress- James Perse

Sweater- Knot SistersBoots- Frye

Shoes- PalladiumThigh highs- We Love ColorsDress- vintageCardigan- Ambig Head crown- Sasha Gold’s Treasures

Hat-Yellow 108Maxi- LiraSweater- Knot Sisters Crop top- Black Milk

Dress- vintage Jean Jacket -Gap

Bow- Sasha Gold’s TreasuresShoe- Palladium

Knee highs- We Love Colors

Button down - AmbigPant - Vintage

Shoes - Broken Homme Rings-Paradise Metal Art and Vintage

Jeans -Krew Sweater - Krew

Tee - AmbigShoes - Puma

Watch - Nixon

Hat- Yellow 108Black Pant- KrewTank- BDG Jean Jacket- Gap

Button down - Ambig Pants - Zanerobe Rings - Paradise Metal Art and Vintage

Pants - OrtizShirt - Ambig

Watch - Nixon

Luxury Femininity for Iconic Women !

Los Angeles, CA www.briseeley.com

Luxury Femininity for Iconic Women !

Los Angeles, CA www.briseeley.com


Dress - American ApparelJewelry - Banana Republic

Tan Shirt - ThriftedJewelry - Forever 21Blue Shorts - Forever 21

Hat - Free PeopleBlack Shorts - Forever 21

Black Shirt - Forever 21

Bra - Victoria’s SecretBlack Shorts - Forever 21Black Shirt - Forever 21

Maroon Shirt - Forever 21Blue Shorts - Forever 21


SAGITTARIUS (November 22 –December 21)LADIES: How are you feeling Sag? GREAT! We thought so. You have

been killing it this month. Damn girl you might be a super hero. So put on that leotard and cape and go show the world your greatness ( just don’t tell them it’s only possible if wine is involved)…hhmmm maybe not the cape, but the leotard would make that booty look A-MAZ-ING.

GUY: Dude, you take cuddle season to a whole new level...so many girls come thru your place that your roommates are beginning to start an online shopping company with all the clothes and shoes you have been collecting on your floor. Also, shoes? How do they leave shoes? They flying out of there like they have a crazy train to catch?

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)LADIES: Sometimes things just fall into your lap...really drives people

nuts huh? Well big news today... your luck has run out. Do you want to know what falls in your lap this month? Crap. Like literally crap. Don’t sit outside of the Starbucks on Main St. those birds are waiting for you...seriously. Remem-ber when you pretended you were going to feed them that $7 blueberry scone, then you ate it like a jerk right in from of them? Ya, they do.

GUYS: You just think you are so smart...news flash!! Everyone is on to you. You can only say your jet skis are in the shop so many time before that hottie you been dragging along figures out that those jet skis are really a razor scooter and a 91 Geo Metro, and the razor isn’t even yours man..#liarsneverwin

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)LADIES: Quick, quick tell us about that date Saturday night. Oh my...

he had you meet him, OH NO, he made you pay half, HE ASKED FOR GAS MONEY!?! No no no, he did not. WTF girl, where did you meet this Prince Charming-a bar? Oh you did...well I think you deserve that ashtray of a kiss he laid on you when you were trying to escape the car. We think you learned a valuable lesson today.

GUYS: You have been listening to the new Taylor Swift album I see. You know, it doesn’t make you look like much of a man when you’re lifting at the gym and you forget you have your headphones on...ya you were singing “Shake it Off” at the TOP of your lungs in front of your flag football team, your little league coach, and Vanessa. Ya Vanessa, you’re fucked dude.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)LADIES: Work it work it. RuPaul would even be jealous of those threads.

You are coming out a winner at those sample sales. But a little piece of advice, keep the punching and hair pulling to a minimum. I’m sure there are more than one set of gold encrusted towel hangers, and that one lady’s hair you pulled...ya that was a wig and now you aren’t allowed within 500 feet of ANY Bed Bath & Beyond...such a shame, Christmas is coming!!

GUYS: Have you ever seen those memes that say “what you think you look like & what you actually look like”? Ya homie, you can’t wink. After a few Jameson shots you think you are Sly McFly and wink at everyone. Guess what. Everyone thinks you have mini eye seizures, that’s why they cut you off after you start doing that. They think whiskey is your trigger...just thought we would let you know.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)LADIES: Well this is a new one for the books. Going after a “well-off”

Capricorn ONLY to find out he doesn’t have shit and those jet skis are really a Geo Metro and scooter HAHAHHAHAA… That’s what you get for meeting that fool on POF. Let’s try more traditional ways of meeting people, like Face-book stalking, or DUI mug shots. THOSE ACTUALLY SOUND GOOD TO YOU!! NO!?! That’s it... we are coming over, there are plenty of fish...they just aren’t in your phone...

GUYS: I don’t even know how to start this...oh I got it...um YOU’RE THE WORST. How does building a pontoon boat without ANY instructions, and then taking a first date on that floating death trap sound good to you? Well at least you know what she looks like with no makeup and soaking wet hair exten-sions... ya we are going to take a wild guess and say you should just delete her number, and maybe call a lawyer.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)LADIES: The next time you give advice to one of your girlfriends about

how she should handle her break up you should probably wipe the crazy off your face. Did you forget that she was the one in the car with you when you were literally CHASING your ex thru red light traffic because you “thought” you saw another girl in the car? #cuckoopants #licenserevoked

GUYS: I would love to say that you are going to do well blah blah blah...but the truth is ya fucked up. You forgot not to go to your hairdresser on Tues-days because she is usually hung-over. You ALSO forgot to tell her to just trim

the sides a bit. Do you know what you look like now? Let’s just say it looks like someone stole your “precious” ring and booked it to Mordor.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)LADIES: So you are dating a “Moto” rider. What are you 16? When’s the

HONEST last time you went to a race and watched it…never? Ya that’s cool. WTF are you doing then!?! You aren’t impressed by his career at all. You liter-ally sit at the bar the whole time seeing how many glasses of wine you can finish before you go pretend to know that he was so great. Continue your search Sacagawea...you’re discovering the wrong trails.

GUYS: Mmmmm that Thanksgiving was delicious right? We would say so, and so would your pants. I think a few crunches and squats would clear that right up. Along with Jazzercise & excessive amounts of broccoli-bon appetite! Also, now that we have your attention, can you get us that recipe for lemon bars that your mom makes...we are down to gain a few lbs. for those puppies.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)LADIES: Aren’t you suppose to be back to sweeping and mopping the

floors by midnight? Not because you are a princess or anything, but because your roommates are total effin’ slobs. Ya, listen, you are a smart lil’ Cancer, you should know when to put the sponge down and turn the bitchy up. Let’s just say they would be smart to clean, because the mess from the dishes is far less disturbing then the mess you’ll leave on their FACE!! BOOM!

GUYS: Well well well...look who came back for more... ok ok. We will give you the truth. You’re lucky you are one sexy señor. I mean those moves you had last time you went out were very Bowie-esque. I mean all the way down to the spandex with the gym sock attached. You must have gotten ahold of a David Bowie “Dance Till You Dance” video sometime between 1986 and now... Excuse us while we get this vivid bulge out of our minds. We are trying to eat here!!

LEO (July 23 – August 22)LADIES: Lovely lovely Leo, how we love thee...let us count the ways.

Actually let’s just tell you. If you keep working it like that you’re going to give someone an ulcer. I haven’t seen colors like that on a person since Bob Marley played in Kingston in 75. We are all for the hippy lettuce but you don’t need to dress like you actually HAVE glaucoma.

GUYS: HAHAHA... We love watching you hit on girls. It’s a lost art really. If you think asking the hot bartender to make a RIDICULOUSLY hard drink, that has 1,000 ingredients during her rush hour you need to step your flirt game up. She literally fucking hates you. So grab your $14 Mara-iti-mimosa-and-coke and go hit on the hostess, she’s about the same mental age as you.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)LADIES: Have you been naughty or nice this year? I think we both know

the answer to that. There still might be time for redemption with the jolly man in red, but in the meantime plan your heist of your sister’s presents. Everyone knows she’s going to get some dope shit because she’s all about that degree when you are all about that bass...and booze, no treble HA...

GUYS: Feeling a little low today? It’s ok. you deserve it. I mean we aren’t going to say that you TOTALLY blew it with that hottie at the office, BUT the fact that she saw what you really use the photocopier for, and that you eat fresh garlic and curry chicken for lunch..I mean ya, those pores smell like they are cooking stew in 1000 degree weather. Let’s just say she makes all her copies 2 floors up now, and eats in her car. Oh and she hates you! Merry Christmas.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)LADIES: Let’s see, let’s see... where do I even begin. Didn’t your old

roommate date that guy? Girl you ratchet. You forgot that she explained WHY he drives a big truck until it was too late huh? Weelll live and learn sister, but seriously...that sucks haha.

GUYS: Seriously, how many times a night do you forget that you are watching something that is recorded and the commercials aren’t mandatory? Fast forward, it will save you the time and embarrassment of checking your Instagram during commercials to see if your ex you “DGAF” about has seen all the fun you are having…she’s seen it #notimpressed.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)LADIES: Ooooohhh girl…I wish I could just look you straight in the eyes

and give you the “You did NOT sleep with your co-worker after the pre-Christ-mas ugly sweater party?” Look...I won’t tell if you won’t, but you might want to get your fake eyelash off your cheek & cover up that tattoo you got of his name on your wrist...yes, you really did that.

GUYS: Seriously... you did it this time. You broke up with your super-hot, non-cuckoo girlfriend because she accidentally said “I love you” after an EDC festival? You know what else she loved? Lamps, grass, fairies, and the leaves on the trees because they said I love you first...get it together.

WRITTEN BY AYLA HENDERSON


IN THE NEXT ISSUE...

COVER

THE DODOSNEW SECTION LAUNCH

MUSIC REVIEWS!

AND (OF COURSE) ALOT MORE.

Documents

Pastorale December 2014