Parenting) How to Be a Better Parent

8/14/2019 Parenting) How to Be a Better Parent

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How To BeA Better ParenA Guide to What Works and Wh


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When Timmy entered middle school, I was scared to death.

What can Jessica say when her teenage friends pressure her?

I dont know what to tell her.

I wouldnt know what to doif I suspected Keisha was getting high.

Shes only twelve.

When we parents talk about our children,we voice some of our greatest fears andconcerns. With good reason. The educationour children are getting in school is not

nearly as extensive or powerful as thestreet education they get from their peersand popular culture. They receive news andentertainment not only from movies andTV, but from video cassettes, CDs, bill-boards, magazines targeted at them directly,web sites, and chat rooms informationsources and formats that didnt even exista generation ago. Even the lyrics piped into

This booklet will help guide you in usingyour greatest strengths your love for yourchildren, your concern for their well-being,and skills you already have to help keep yourchildren away from drugs and other kinds of problem behaviors. Topics include:

How to Lay the Groundwork

How to Set Clear Rules How to Praise and Reward How to Stay Actively Involved How to Monitor Your Children

Yes, You Can


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store try-on rooms can reinforce theimpression that sex, drugs, drinking, andsmoking are glamorous activities or evenmore worrisome a normal, standard,expected part of growing up.

So whats a parent to do? Schools,churches, and law enforcement can certainlyhelp. But no one can replace the family .Being involved with the prevention of risky

behavior lets our children know that we care.That we are the kind of parents they want us to be (even though they rarely show it).

As parents, we profoundly shapethe choices our children make. A studypublished in the Journal of the American

Medical Association found that teenagers whoreported feeling close to their families were

the least likely to engage in any of the riskybehaviors studied, which included drinkingand smoking marijuana or cigarettes. Thisfinding supports what a majority of parentsbelieve: that we can teach our children toregard drugs and other anti-social behavior asserious concerns and that we can influenceour childrens decisions.


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Once your children begin to talk, its notlong before their questions follow. Why is

the grass green? soon gives way to Whatswrong with that man sitting in the park?and Why does grandma smell funny? If youshow your child that youre ready to givehonest answers at any time even when thesubject makes you uncomfortable youllforge a trusting relationship. Your childrenwill come to you with their concerns becausethey know you take them seriously.

Being a good listener gives you insightinto your childrens world the sights andsounds that influence them every day. Sincetheyre the experts about fashions, music, TV,

and movies, ask them what music groups arepopular and what their songs are about.What their friends like to do after school.Whats cool and whats not and why.Encourage them with phrases such as Thatsinteresting or I didnt know that and byasking follow-up questions.

In these conversations you can steer

the talk to social problems drugs, sex,drinking, and smoking youre concernedabout. If you can ingrain your values inyour children before theyre faced withmaking difficult choices, experts say theyll be

more likely to follow the family line. Byintroducing these topics youre not puttingideas into their heads any more than talk-ing about traffic safety might make them

want to jump in front of a car. Youre simply

Laying the

Groundwork


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letting them know about poten-tial dangers in their environment

so that when theyre confronted with them

theyll know what to do.

With families juggling the multipledemands of work, school, after-schoolactivities, and religious and social

commitments, it can be a challenge forparents and children to be in the sameplace at the same time. It helps to planfor togetherness .

Weekly family meetings at a mutuallyagreed-on time provide a regular forum fordiscussing triumphs, grievances, projects,discipline questions, and any topic of

concern to any family member. Ground rules:Everyone gets a chance to talk; one persontalks at a time without interruption; and onlypositive, constructive feedback is allowed. Toenroll a rebellious child in the idea, try an

incentive like post-meeting pizza or assignhim an important role recording secretary orrule enforcer.

Regular parent-child rituals eliminatethe need for constant planning and giveeach child personal time with you to count on.Try taking the long way home from schoolevery Tuesday and get ice cream. Or make

Saturday visits to the library together. Even afew minutes of conversation while youre clean-ing up after dinner or right before bedtimekeeps open the channels of communication keyto establishing common values.


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SettingClear Rules

Research has shown that young peopleare three times more likely to use tobacco,

alcohol, and other drugs if their parentsdont make clear rules about them. To keepdrug use out of your family, its vitallyimportant to get your children used toobeying established rules around basic daily

activities early on. (This gives you a betterchance of getting them to obey a single ruleabout not using marijuana or other drugs lateron.) Keep your list of house rules short just

enough to ensure that children are doinghomework, completing chores, and stayinginvolved with friends who are good influences.

At the same time that you set up the

rules, establish specific, proportionate,non-harsh consequences for breaking them.Hesitating to punish small violations onlyteaches children that rules dont have tobe followed. And if you wait for majormisbehavior, you may be too late. Avoidarguing and criticizing when you impose aconsequence. Ignore any negative reactionthat follows.


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Dont worry that your rules willalienate your children. They want you toshow that you care enough to set rules andgo to the trouble of enforcing them. Rulesabout whats acceptable and expected fromcurfews to call-ins make children feel lovedand secure. And rules about drugs give themsomething to fall back on when they feel

tempted to make unwise decisions.

HOUSERULES1. Dont go to a friends house or invite

friends to your house when there areno adults around.

2. Finish homework before watching TV.

3. Complete chores before going outwith friends.

4. Be home by set curfew.

5. Call if youre going to be late or if yougo somewhere other than planned.

ANDTHECONSEQUENCESOFBREAKINGTHEM

Removal of a privilege for a day (becauseyou didnt feed the cat).

Staying home Friday night (because youdidnt come home on time Tuesday).

Grounding from social activities for twoweeks (because you were smoking).Making a two-minute speech at the nextfamily meeting on specific ways to regainfamily trust.


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Praising and rewarding our childrensbehavior helps them establish strengths andinterests that leave little room for drinking,smoking, sex, drugs, and crime. When weemphasize what our children do right insteadof focusing on whats wrong, they learn to

feel good about themselves, and they developself-confidence.

Its never too early to start the habit of praise. Whenever possible, for instance, let a

young child select what to wear and praise thechoice. Even if the clothes dont quite match,you are reinforcing your childs ability to makedecisions. If a childs tower of blocks collapses,play together until you turn the frustratingsituation into a confidence-building success.

The Power of Praiseand Rewards

WHAT TOSAY Instead of being vague or general

( You are cer tainly a smar t boy),direct your praise at specific acts:

You got a B on the social studies test.Good job.

Mrs. Royce said you helped bring her groceries in.That was very thoughtful.

What you told me about the Civil War was interesting. I didnt know that.

Thats a cool outfit youre wearing.Nobody puts clothes together the way you do.

You were shooting baskets with Angel.No wonder he looks up to you.


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When school starts, praise and rewardscan increase academic achievement, whichprovides a positive alternative to risky behavioras a way of gaining self-esteem.

Rewards can help middle-school kids learn

habits they are having problems with habitssuch as getting off to school on time, callingin if theyre going to be late or change plans,and doing homework first, all of whichestablish the kinds of structures that leavelittle room for getting into trouble. Teens,in particular, respond to praise andencouragement for things they do well andthe positive choices they make. When you are

proud of your son or daughter, say so.Knowing that they are seen and appreciatedby the adults in their lives can shoreup teens abilities to resist peerpressure. A teen may also beimpressed by the importance of serving as a good role model for ayounger sister or brother.

WHAT TODO Set up a small reward for every time

children call in to inform you of theirwhereabouts.

Let children stay up longer if theycomplete their homework beforedinner or some other agreed-on time.

Allow children to invite a friend to

stay overnight on a weekend as areward for not having friends overwithout an adult present.

Make home displays of schoolworkand art projects for family and

friends to see.


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The more involved you are in the dailylives of your children, the more likely they

are to be successful in school and with peers.Other benefits: Youll feel more in touchwith their lives and be in a better position torecognize trouble spots. Key to getting moreinvolved is finding activities to do regularlywith your child that the two of you enjoy.It doesnt have to take money or a lot of time.In fact, brief meaningful activities each dayare probably best.

With young children at home, set asideregular time to give your son or daughteryour full, sole attention. Get on the floorand play with him; learn about her likes anddislikes; tell them that you love them. Youwill build strong bonds of trust and affectionthat will make turning away from risky

behavior easier in the years ahead.

Staying ActivelyInvolved

ACTIVITIES TOSHARE Playing cards

Cooking or crafts projects

Playing video or board games

Doing jigsaw puzzles

Going to the movies

Following a sports team

Playing spor ts

Hiking, fishing, or camping

Surfing the net


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When children enter middle schoolor junior high , theyre little fish in a bigpond, and they want to fit in. At this time,

when peer approval means everything, yourchildren may make you feel that they areembarrassed by you. But at the very timethey are pulling away from you to establishtheir own identities, they actually need youto be more involved than ever.

WHAT ELSE TODO Get to know your childrens friends

by taking them to and from after-

school activit ies, games, the library,and movies.

Invite your childrens fr iends to join your family for special outingsor events.

Volunteer for school activit ies likedances or trips where you can observeyour children with their peers.

Put your t elevision and computerwhere you can keep an eye on what

your children are seeing. (You maywant to set up viewing guidelines.)Also familiarize yourself with theirfavor ite radio stations, CDs, and tapes.Since listening to music is a favoritenon-school activity, youll want toknow (and be able to counter) anyquestionable messages theyre hearing.

Familiarize yourself with the policiesand education programs regardingalcohol and drug use at your childsschool. Read any materials given out .

Make sure your children are well-versed in the reasons to avoidalcohol, tobacco, drugs, and sex.Waiting for them to bring up the

subjects may mean being too late.Two-thirds of fourth graders polledon this subject said that they wishedtheir parents would talk more withthem about drugs.


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You dont trust me...

I do love you and trust you,

but I dont trust the world around you,and I need to know whats going on in your life

so I can be a good parent to you.

Your skill and consistency in monitoring

what your children do is key to preventingmost problem behaviors. What is monitoring?Its knowing where your children are, whatthey are doing during and after school, andtalking with them about it each day. Whydoes it work? It makes your childrens successin school and with friends more likely,while allowing you to guide them awayfrom trouble.

ParentalMonitoring

WHAT TODO Talk with your children about what

happened in school today: assignments,tests, fr iends, and problems.

Know where your children are afterschool and whom theyre with.

Have your children call you to let youknow their whereabouts.

Check that chores are completed. Ask to see school assignments before

theyre handed in and after theyrereturned.

Talk with teachers about your chil-drens academic and social progress.

Bring refreshments to yourchildren and their friends whenthey come over.

Keep in touch with the parents ofyour childrens friends so you can

reinforce each others efforts.


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WHEN YOU CANT BETHEREYOURSELF

Leaving children without adultsupervision in their own or a fr iendshome is an open invitation to all kinds ofexperimentation, especially once middleschool begins.What helps: having thesepractices in place before then.

Arrange to have your children lookedafter and engaged between the endof school and the time you get home.

Encourage them to get involved withsupervised youth groups, ar ts, music,sports, community service andacademic clubs.

Make sure that children who are

unattended for periods during theday feel your presence. Give thema schedule and set limits on theirbehavior.Assign household choresto accomplish. Enforce a strict phone-in-to-you policy, Leave notes forthem around the house. Provideeasy-to-find snacks.

Call parents whose home is to be usedfor a par ty. Make sure you agree withtheir rules for behavior.

Make it easy for your children to leaveany place where they feel uncomfor t-able. Discuss in advance how to contactyou or another designated adult to geta ride home and be home when theyarrive to discuss the situation.


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Take advantage of concrete, everydayexamples to make abstract values come alive.

Use family time at dinner or in the carto explore moral issues by posing hypotheticalquestions: What would you do if the personahead of you in the movie line dropped adollar bill? If the waitress made a mistake in

your favor when she added up the check? If your friend wanted you to skip class andplay video games with him?

Take examples of the consequences of alcoholand drug abuse right from the daily newspaper.Did you see this article about the motherwho used drugs and was arrested? Was usingdrugs a wise decision? Who will care for her

baby now?

Watch TV with your children and discussprograms, news items, and advertising.Do they make anti-social behavior look

acceptable/routine/exciting? Do they showits downside? Point out the full implicationsto families and society at large. (You mayalso want to reassure children that the worldis not as bleak as it appears in the news,which focuses on societys problems.)

When youre together and see ananti-drinking, anti-drug, anti-smoking

or safe-sex advertisement, use it asan opening to talk.

Teachable Moments


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A selected list of resources that provideinformation, advocacy and, in some cases, advice.

American Council for Drug Education

164 West 74th StreetNew York, NY 10025(800) 488-DRUGReferrals: (800) DRUG-H ELP

Center for Substance Abuse Prevention (CSAP)Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services

Administration5600 Fishers Lane, Rockwall II BuildingSuite 900Rockville, MD 20857

National Clearinghousefor Alcohol and Drug Information

P.O. Box 2345Rockville, MD 20847-2345(800) 729-6686 / (301) 443-0365

National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)5600 Fishers Lane, Room 10A03Rockville, MD 20857

(301) 443-1124

National PTA Drug and Alcohol AbusePrevention Project330 N. Wabash Ave.Suite 2100Chicago, IL 60611-3690

(800) 307-4782 / (312) 670-6782Web site: www.pta.org

Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP)P.O. Box 6000Rockville, MD 20849-6000(800) 666-3332

Web site: www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov

The Parents CollaborationWeb site: www.parentingisprevention.org

Partnership for a Drug-Free America405 Lexington Ave.

Suite 1601New York, NY 10174(212) 922-1560Web site: www.drugfreeamerica.org

Where to Turn


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How to Be a Better Parent is madepossible by a grant from

The material in this brochureis adapted from

Growing Up Drug-Free: A Parents Guide to Prevention ,

developed by thePartnership for a Drug-Free America

on behalf of theU.S. Department of Education.

Additional copies of How to Be a Better Parent are available without charge by

calling: 1(800) METLIFEWeb site: http://www.metlife.org

To order free copies of Growing Up Drug-Free:

A Parents Guide to Preventioncall: 1-877-4EDPUBS

or send your name and address to:

Growing Up Drug-FreePueblo, CO 81009

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Parenting) How to Be a Better Parent