www.thekzooindex.com

INSIDEThe IssueEwes........................................2

Creatures...................................3

Nopinions..................................4

Farts...........................................5

Sports....................................6

As “No-Shave” November comes to full swing, the American populace begin to change. Both women and men are not shaving, and this is causing mass transformations: America’s French Revolution.

Kalamazoo, Michigan

An Open Letter to Zoe Barnes

Hey Zoe, it’s Graham Key here. You may not know who I am, but I certainly know you…well, I know your same-named investigative reporter from the hit Netflix series.

At the beginning of the school year we at The Index collected names for our email list. Your name was on it. Needless to say we were quite dubious at first. I mean, what are the odds? Two girls named

INDEX

graham keypublication manager

BARNES on page 3

The BuzzkillONE-HUNDRED-THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS OF JOURNALISTIC ACTIVITY

NOVEMBER 19, 2014

VOLUME CXXXVII ISSUE XTODAY’S HIGH: TOO COLD TO CALL IT A HIGH

EST. 1877

Emily Walsh / Index

Survey Finds K Students Have No Cursive Writing Skills

ACADEMICS

Dining Services proves that students can print

with proficiency

The antiquated art of cursive writing, according to a campus-wide survey sent out by Dining Services last week, is “a load of unintelli-gible crap.”87 percent of the students in the study report-ed that they “haven’t ever been able to read a single professor’s comments on an essay.”

A representative from the Provost’s Office said, “We actually aren’t sure where Dining Services found the time or resources to send this thing out, but it still reveals some troubling figures.” On the behalf of the College, he

acknowledged “most stu-dents on campus have made the shift to typing and print writing, but we never consid-ered the fact that this student inability to read professor scribbling might be prob-lematic.”

The survey also revealed that though 98 percent of campus professors use cursive to grade and comment on student work, and only 41 percent actual-ly know the full cursive al-phabet. As one anonymous professor admitted, “Mostly I just scribble and nobody ever questions me—some-times, when I am getting tired, I just draw a bunch of loops and leave it at that.”

This report comes as no surprise to handwriting

CURSIVE on page 2

elyse kaplanindex staff writer

MOVEMBER on page 2

Movember: Enjoyable Trend or Revolution?

American culture is shifting as we

approach the middle of November

An epidemic swept across The United States during the

past month. As “No-Shave” November comes to full swing, the American populace begin to change. Both women and men are not shaving, and this is causing mass transfor-mations: America’s French Revolution.

The streets became filled with mimes and vendors yelling about their fresh

loaves of bread or scrump-tious cheeses. Accordions filled the air with sounds of Paris. The Euro quickly re-placed the dollar. The sounds of Edith Piaf played off of phonographs in every home lingers in the crisp autumn air. The transformation of

sean bogueindex staff writer

Library Changes Hours to Accommodate Hangovers

Upjohn Library Commons changes weekend hours to

optimize work hours

The Upjohn Library Commons changed its weekend hours from opening at 9 a.m. on Saturdays and 11 a.m. on Sundays to 1 p.m. on both days, citing hungover students arriving past noon as the primary reason.

“We’re trying to optimize work hours,” said librarian Robin Rank. “If students are showing up late, there’s a reason for the library staff to start later.”

So far, the library during the opening hours of the weekends have been almost solely booked by the reclusive LIBRARY on page 2

CAMPUS

seniors laboring over their SIPS and the studious soph-omore chemistry students in organic chemistry who pile up in the nooks of the third floor or in the second floor’s reading room. Though they are a minority against this change, they are indeed a vocal one.

Senior and active go-getter Skylar Young ‘15, “I’ve got work to do, places to go, and the library needs to be open earlier. This is Kalamazoo College, after all.”

So far, these students will instead have to pill up their books elsewhere, such as Hicks Center or the Fine Arts Building.

Though the College is in no way of encouraging drink-ing, they are instead making the morning a bit easier for the imbibing intellects. Some

colin smithco editor-in-chief

K Becomes Tuition Free InstitutionKalamazoo College

announces that tuition wasn’t that expensivve

anyways

Kalamazoo’s dedication to providing affordable schooling for all has finally come through.

TUITION on page 2

Kalamazoo College re-cently announced that the school will make tuition free

for enrolled students, just two months after Germany made all schools free.

“We were inspired by the German example,” said Eileen Wilson-Oyelaran, current president of the school. “It’s beautiful how Germany could provide a basic twen-ty-first century necessity for all people for free.” She said she was inspired to make the

change after reading an article written by The Index’s own Emily Pizza.

“Kalamazoo was never that expensive anyway, so we feel as though eliminat-ing tuition would do a lot for social justice,” Wilson-Oye-laran said.

Kalamazoo College is able to do this because of a spend-ing deficit. After only spend-

ing seven million dollars of more than twenty million that the school was endowed with to build the Arcus Center for Social Justice, K found itself in possession with a lot more money than planned.

Most of the leftover money will be given to alumni as an apology for the school

danny michelinindex staff writer

fartsStudents Develop App to Help Locate College PartiesIn response to the increasing demand from Kalamazoo College students, mobile app kParty has been... PAGE 5

creatures

Meet a Squirrel of KSwishing his extraordinarily long and fluffy tail from side to side, Nutserfluf, Kalama-zoo College Campus... PAGE 3

sports

New Winter Sports Aim for Success This SeasonWith winter looming, some of Kalamazoo College’s proudest sports teams are prepar-ing for what... PAGE 6

nopinionsOpinion Writers Run Out of OpinionsAs of this week, opinion writers Emaline Lapinski and Emily Pizza have run out of opinions to write about... PAGE 4

Don’t be creeped out, but we want you to join us, Zoe

Facial Hair

I For all real K news, visit our website—it won’t bite. www.thekzooindex.com

PAGE 2 EwEs 19 NOVEMBER 2014

EDITORIAL BOARDCo Editor-in-Chief...................Colin Smith Co Editor-in-Chief...............Ogden Wright Publication Manager...............Graham Key Business Manager......................Erin Eagan News Editor.............................Viola Brown Features Editor....................Trisha Dunham Opinions Editor........................Emily Pizza Arts Editor....Kamalaldin M. Kamalaldin Co Layout Editor.............Claudia Greening Co Layout Editor......Mireya Guzman-Ortiz

Photo Editor....................Robert Manor Staff Photographer.........Megan RigneyStaff Writer.........................Sean Bogue Staff Writer......................Mary Burnett Staff Writer.................Green Dickenson Staff Writer.......................Janelle Grant Staff Writer......................Elise Houcelc Staff Writer.......................Elyse Kaplan Staff Writer................Emaline Lapinski Staff Writer..................Katherine Rapin Staff Writer...............Amanda Stutzman

The Index encourages reader response in the form of letters to the editor. The Index reserves the right to edit for clarity, length, grammar and libel. Also reserved is the right to not print letters to the editor. Signed letters are preferred, but unsinged letters dealing with sensitive issues will be accepted and printed at the discretion of the editorial board. Letters should be submitted via email by midnight on the Sunday before the issue in which they are to appear. Please contact the Index with any further issues, comments or inquiries. Please keep letters under 300 words.

We, the Index staff, produce this publication to accomplish the fol-lowing goals: The Index will serve as a means of communication between students, administrators and members of the community. We will respect all opinions and present them in an unbiased manner. The Index will inform and entertain readers and address trends and issues important to its audience. Although we are a staff comprised solely of unpaid student members, we will strive to make The Index accurate and truthful to adhere to all standards of professional jour-nalism. We recognize and respect the privileges given to us under the First Amendment, including the freedoms of speech and of the press. The Index is a form of editorial expression and we, the staff have the authority to make our own content decisions. We will provide a sounding board for the campus community; therefore the opinions expressed in by-lines, opinion articles and letters should not be considered to be the opinions of the newspaper staff as a whole.

ITHE INDEX

GENERAL STAFF

EDITORIAL POLICY

SUBMISSIONS POLICY

PHOTO OF THE WEEK Library Changes Hours in Response to Partyingmeasures include converting the Book Club cafe on the first floor into a bar serving orange juice and mimosas. The reading room furniture will be renovated with softer pillows and songs off of the Beach Boys’ “Pet Sounds” will be playing over the in-tercom.

Bryan Olert ’15 said, “ugh,

it makes me feel so much better than I’m not the only one stumbling in the library and struggling to move up the staircase past noon on weekends.” Until the library changed its policy, Olert said “I thought I was the only one not made for these times, but with my morning Bloody Marys and listening to the Beach Boys, I now I know there is an answer.”

Index staff enjoys the final moments of preparing the Buzzkill issue.

For those who do study in Hicks during the weekend mornings, do stay vigilant about the student squatters hunting plastic deer props and Outing Club members who are lighting fires to stay warm.

College Takes Initiative, Abolishes Tuition

LIBRARY FROM PAGE 1

K Students Organize First Basket Weaving Club on Campus

In a bid to bring greater di-versity to the campus commu-nity’s extracurricular offerings, there are plans to create a new basket weaving organization at Kalamazoo College.

Efforts to implement it have taken off and there will be a Q&A session with students to discuss the structure of this potential StuOrg.

Sophomore and basket weaving advocate Bianca Delgado is pushing for a un-derwater basket weaving event to bring awareness to the craft. “Underwater basket weaving has a very rich history. Histor-ically, weavers had to soak the rods in water so that they’d be pliable and perfect for optimal weaving condition,” Delgado said.

The meticulous trade has become popular and many stu-dents are interested in learning. “Basket weaving is something students can use not just here at K, but later in life,” contin-ued Delgado. It fills the need for décor in your future home.

experts and to the elderly, who have noticed and pointed out cursive’s decline at family reunions for many years. Budget cuts, state testing, and an utter lack of interest have allowed cursive handwriting (which used to be a required subject for public elementary students in most states) to fade from most curricula.

Studies have shown that 95 percent of students under the age of 18 who do know cursive were forced by their grandmothers to learn it so that they could write accept-able thank you notes.

While most young adults have said good riddance to old-fashioned handwrit-ing, some K students have not yet made the switch to print. “I think that cursive is super important,” Allie Nich-olson ’16 said as a part of the survey. “It is way pret-tier than regular writing, and, I mean, it’s not even that hard. Kids these days are just spoiled with all of the technology. Oh, please excuse while I pull out my iPad.”

But when asked for a writing sample, Nicholson simply writes with her letters connected and doesn’t ac-tually know how to prop-erly form a cursive letter “G” or “B.”

CURSIVE FROM PAGE 1

janelle grantindex staff writer

Kalamazoo College welcomes new club

to campus, adding to diversity and depth

Baskets add a creative and personal flair, or serve as the homemade albeit last minute Christmas gift for that person in your life who already has everything. And Delgado bets they don’t have a basket woven underwater.

Basket weaving may be seen as an unusual StuOrg, but some K students feel dif-ferently. Josh Vance ’18 ex-plained that the craft is a way

to relieve stress, and it’s vital to have a positive outlet with our busy schedules. “I believe crafts will enhance the expe-rience at this school. Engag-ing in this activity relieves my stress and the stress of my fellow peers who love to basket weave.”

If the students decide to create this StuOrg, students would be able to perfect their techniques and knowledge of

the subject through “Basket Weaving: A Brief History and Tutorial,” which is an intro-ductory training session stu-dents are planning for a Wind Down Wednesday event.

Students who come to Kalamazoo College expect nothing less than a developed liberal arts education. Now stu-dents are asking to have the chance to take up new inter-est or passion.

charging them anything at all to attend. Meanwhile, the Col-lege’s Board of Trustees are debating whether to include handwritten letters as a possi-ble addition to the apologies.

The rest of the money not spent a toward apologies will go towards grade-A invest-ments to keep the college free forever.

“We’ve decided to invest the rest in penny stocks,” said Michael Scott, the recently hired stock manager of the school. “We feel as though they give high returns on low investments, something great for the cost of schooling.” Scott decided to fund Kalam-azoo’s tuition through penny stocks after Scott received an email from a “Mr. Belfort.”

Student reactions have been mixed about the announce-ment.

“I liked paying money out of my pocket for tuition,” said

TUITION FROM PAGE 1

Deb Bradshaw ’18. “From when I was a child, I knew the first thing I wanted to do with myself is to pay off student loans. It was a life experience I was looking forward to.”

Projections state that en-rollment will increase to a few hundred thousand in the coming years due to the de-crease in tuition.

“Classes don’t fill up quickly so we don’t think the extra load will be a big deal,” said Wilson-Oyelar-

an. “We think we’re doing a pretty good job already pro-viding classes that people want to everyone that wants them.”

The administration has planned to convert several ac-ademic buildings to residence halls. Olds-Upton Science Building, Dow Science Center, and Dewing Hall are affect-ed by their decision.

Kalamazoo’s dedication to providing affordable school-ing for all has finally come through.

Cursive

Bianca Delgado K’17 takes time to soak weaving rods in water for underwater basket weaving.

Janelle Grant / The Index

A quiet, safe and idyllic environment for a student on a fixed budget. Oxford inspired and encouraging for a

committed and focused student.

Glastonbury Hall is a friendly international house serving students, with distinction in Kalamazoo. It is dedicated to advancement of quality education and learning life.

Furnished single room $375, shared room $360. Utilities shared based on actual costs. Bedding provided. Full use of kitchen, laundry facility, and house library. Monthly formal and hearty dinnner.

Academic support and personal tutorials to those who require it.

No smoking, please. Close by the WMU public safety office and St. T. More church. 5 minute walk to campus. All past resident students have progressed to post-graduate or profession studies.

Now accepting applications for the 2014-2015 school year.

CONTACT: (269) 948-4340, OR (269) 908-3552 FOR MORE INFORMATION

Glastonbury Hall

Zoe Barnes, both interested in journalism—it seemed too good to be true.

Naturally we dove into the K email address book and found your email address quickly enough. Words can’t express the joy we felt in that moment. Let’s just say we partied House of Cards style (whatever that means).

Having established the truth of your existence, we scanned the incoming writers at our first meeting, hoping you’d appear. And we knew what you looked like, because we scrolled through your Face-book profile pictures during the Board meeting moments before. We all thought your pro pic from March 24 was super great, by the way. One by one people filed in, but not you, Zoe.

Of course you already knew this. You probably just signed up, because you felt pressured. I mean, that’s why most of us signed up for Swing Dancing. Anyway, we were all super bummed that you didn’t show up. In fact, you could say that the loss we felt in that moment was comparable to the pain Lucas felt when he found out HOC Zoe was hit by the train.

And that’s why I’m writing this letter, Zoe. I don’t know why you didn’t come, but it’s not too late to start. If you’re

worried about covering the Student Commission, getting too close to Alex Werder and turning up dead, don’t worry, we’ve all been there. But it hasn’t happened yet (as far as we know). And if you’re worried about not living up to the expectations of your fictitious namesake, fear not. We all thought that character was super annoying, so truly anything above awful would be an improvement.

Truly, there’s never been a better time to join The Index: I’m here, the layout’s cool, and the admin hasn’t shut us down yet. And if you want a front-page story, our only criterion is that you provide a story of any length and quality. What other paper will give you that sort of exposure? Certainly not one with standards.

So, as The Index’s Publi-cation Manager, consider this your formal invitation to give us a try next quarter. We don’t bite, well Claudia does, but other than that we’re pretty nice folks. We meet in our office next to the Leadership Lounge Sunday’s at 8 p.m.

Devotedly,Graham Key

Swishing his extraordinari-ly long and fluffy tail from side to side, Nutserfluf, Ka-lamazoo College Campus Squirrel Community Direc-tor and Chief of Nuts said that he expects the upcom-ing winter to hinder the nut collecting.

“It’s hard enough with all you kids running around our campus, but when the snows come it adds a whole other level of difficulty,” said Nut-serfluf.

The Organzation of Nuts began preparing for the winter in mid-July. They created

new nut caches and began work on their underground tunnel system.

Although the traditional squirrel nests have been used since the 1700’s the increase in the harsh winters have caused the squirrel commu-nity to adapt to the condi-tions, said Nutserfluf.

“I came up with the idea, and with some help from Nutso in the Construction Organization I really think this will minimize our winter squirrel loses,” said Nutser-fluf.

On average the K squirrel community loses 20 squir-rels per winter. A majority of those lost are the young and elderly, but not always.

Last winter Nutserfluf’s wife, Nibbles McBushy died while looking for food in the campus trash cans. The loss of his wife, has caused Nut-serfluf to take a hands-on ap-proach to minimize winter squirrel loses.

“I was distraught when Nibbles died, I could hardly eat my nuts,” said Nutserfluf. “But I had our daughter, Fur-ryface to look after and the rest of the squirrel commu-nity, I couldn’t just give up.”

The tunnel system follows underneath the campus side-walks and roads. The entranc-es to the tunnels are within trees on the quad. Several trees had to be hollowed out for the project but Nutserfluf

said it was a necessary loss. “We couldn’t just put the

entrances anywhere, students would try to break in and steal our nuts,” said Nutser-fluf. “We hated to ruin some of the oldest trees on campus but it was for the good of us all that we did it.”

But Nutserfluf does thank the students’ for the examples of innovativeness and dedi-cation to improvement that they provide for the squirrel community.

“Ya know, we really hate the students sometimes, but we couldn’t have thought of this plan without you all,” said Nutserfluf. “But we’re still going to throw nuts at you from the trees.”

PAGE 319 NOVEMBER 2014 CrEaturEs

Kalamazoo College Campus Squirrel Community Director and Chief of Nuts said that he expects the upcoming winter to hinder the nut collecting.

The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship

Squirrel Community Prepares for Winter with New Tunnel System

trisha dunhamfeatures editor

Alongside DeWaters Hall resided a tall ever-green tree that, this past Sunday, went missing. However, its current lo-cation is no mystery. A group of freshmen were witnessed dispatching the tree and dragging it across campus to Hoben Hall. De-Waters residents report-ed hearing the sound of a chainsaw and Christmas carols outside their dorm Sunday morning.

The tree now takes center stage in Hoben’s main lounge, decorated with multicolored lights and a wide assortment of mismatched ornaments. Rest assured: campus se-curity attempted to appre-hend the culprits but, upon approaching the students, were seemingly overtaken by holiday cheer and began caroling out in the snow.

You may have missed the new bulletin posted outside the Student Health Center but free immuniza-tions for holiday-itis are now being offered.

What is holiday-itis? It’s a recent phenomenon that occurs when a person becomes addicted to the high felt during the holiday season. People are over-

taken by holiday spirit and begin to act irrationally in their pursuit of merrymak-ing and spreading cheer.

A little known fact is that holiday cheer is caused by a hormone, similar to adrenaline, that is released in the brain in the weeks leading up to and during a significant holiday. Throughout October, No-vember, December, and the beginning of January, the body is flooded with this hormone due to Hallow-een, Thanksgiving, Christ-mas, and New Year’s oc-curring one after the other.

This would be fine, healthy even, but with the steady increase of holiday commercial-ism each year, people are being subconscious-ly manipulated by mar-keting moguls to become addicted to the “holiday hormone”, causing them to spend money year-round on holiday parapherna-lia. On the other hand, there are some who seem immune to holiday-itis, now dubbed “scrooges” by the medical community.

The leader of the group of students responsible for cutting down the ev-ergreen, Shannon Pattil-lo ‘18, had this to say: “I don’t see the harm in putting such a beautiful tree to good use. It’s a

shame to see the trees on campus so underutilized, especially during the most wonderful time of the year. If I had my way, there’d be strings of lights around every tree and mistletoe in every doorway.”

Pattillo would also like to encourage more people to celebrate Half Christ-mas, the halfway point to Christmas that falls on June 25th.

Please exercise caution this holiday season or you or someone you love might become the newest victim of holiday-itis.

green dickensonindex staff writer

Most Wonderful Time of the Year?: The Many Dangers of Holiday Cheer

BARNES FROM PAGE 1

FartsPAGE 4 19 NOVEMBER 2014

kamal kamalaldinarts editor

In response to the increas-ing demand from Kalamazoo College students, mobile app kParty has been developed for Kalamazoo College stu-dents to manage and orga-nize their partying schedule.

kParty is a social party application that collects the myriad parties happening on and off K’s campus and assorts them in a beautiful layout, easily manageable by students. The app was developed by Megan Smith K’16, an English and Phi-losophy major.

The inspiration came to Smith at one 10th week night when she was strug-gling with to which party she should attend on campus. “There seemed to be so many options, and I didn’t know which to choose,” said Smith.

“I had to come up with a solu-tion. I wanted to show that an English major student can be just as productive and in-volved as a science major,” added Smith.

Much like Facebook, the app collects information about parties and views them to users according to their user’s location and previ-ous party-attendance history. “It is probably the best thing since Twitter,” said Brittany Sewers ’18. “It, like, totally helps me find what I want.”

K students are not the only ones who have been finding the app helpful. Parents have been downloading the app, bringing families together, according to Smith. Janet Thompson ’18 said that her mother no longer annoys her at night when she is getting to know people she admires. “the app saved me from my mom’s embarrassing inter-

ruptions. She knows where I am, and that’s all that she needs sometimes,” she added.

Smith faces challenges in enhancing the app’s securi-ty and privacy. “One of the users was dumbed because his girlfriend found his party post during the weekend she was home. We are trying to get away from that,” he said.

Resident Assistants still have access to the app, which presents another problem to Smith. “No one is going to use the app if they are going to be busted,” said Smith. “But we don’t want to exclude [RAs] from party-ing, either. It’s hard to draw the line,” he added.

Western Michigan’s has approaches Smith to discuss the possibility of expanding the application’s scope as to include Western’s campus parties as well. This flatter-ing approach has been met

with skepticism, as many doubt the voluminosity of Western’s campus parties.

After his app’s unprec-

edented debut on the App Store and Google Playbook, Smith has received a fulltime position offer from Micro-

soft, who wish to hire him as Chief Executive of Staff, a position currently held by Bill Gates’ son.

Squatters to Remain in Hicks Over Winter Break KALAMAZOO

Not all Kalamazoo College students are prepared to return home. Some want to stay and bask in the glory of K’s ever-lasting radiance by shacking up in Hicks Center for the ex-tensive winter break. And most of the students remain confi-dent in their survival skills.

Some members of the Ka-lamazoo Outing Club have already fully set up their camping equipment near the mailboxes. Students are warned to be cautious around the campfires of burning text-books in the bottom floor of Hicks Center.

The marking of squatter territory in Hicks Center has not grown too combative as of yet, but the tension is in the air. Like fangirls outside

a ticket sale for a boy band, groups have begun staking out prime Hick’s real estate.

Booths used for eating in Welles Dining are all spoken for. When anyone gets too close to a booth student squat-ters will begin hissing and throwing canned provisions.

“We can comfortably fit 6 people to a booth,” comment-ed Sarah White ’16.

Although there is plenty of space left throughout Hicks,

the squatters have chosen to parley in large groups. Larger groups have the advantage when the hunting and gath-ering starts on Nov. 27.

Some student hunting and gathering groups have begun preemptively searching for food. A small group of four took down an adult male buck just off campus. They began cooking it whole over a George Foreman grill in the Bookstore only to discover

it was a plastic decoy used as target practice. They had assumed the punctures in its side meant that it had danced with death before.

“We are still getting the hang of it, we are not used to living like this,” explained a member of the amateur hunting group who wished to remain anonymous.

“When we saw the deer was not moving we just assumed it was playing dead, because,

that seems like something deer might do, I don’t know,” commented Jacob Williams ’15, another member of the hunting group.

Although some students are more prepared than others, all of them are determined. Ka-lamazoo College is the place to be, even if this means living as a squatter in Hicks Center with minimal amenities. K students know what they want and they are going after it.

shelby longindex staff writer

Student App Recieves Corporate Attention

kParty is a social party application that collects the myriad parties happening on and off K’s campus and assorts them in a beautiful layout, easily manageable by students.

Pick Your Favorite Beard

America to New France (Or Quebec part two) has begun.

It started in the brain and then had spread to the rest of the body. What were once thoughts of football games and McDonalds are now replaced the latest fashion trends and where the nearest winery is. The hands were filled with cigarettes and leashes with poodles at-tached to them. “Yeah sure” now becomes “Oui Oui.” Small chil-dren in public schools now sing La Marseillaise. Taco bell break-fasts are trans-formed into de-lectable crepes. It’s a widespread “Frenchifica-tion.”

“No-Shave” November was once a fun-filled and celebrated month-long holiday. Now, it is nothing more than a month that will live in infamy.

Other reports have come in of a band of Americans that have yet to

turn. They are able to keep to their American ways because they cannot grow facial hair. They are known as “The Baby-Facers.”

During the month of November, this “Band of Hairless Brothers” con-stantly fought this French invasion. They watch football, eat turkey, wait in ridiculous lines for Black Friday, and get into the Christmas spirit way too early. Their efforts have

been in vain, un-fortunately, as there has been no wavering of the French Rev-olution.

Just as the hairless Amer-icans began to lose hope of ever seeing their once thriving, glutton-ous society, the clock strikes midnight and the calendars flip to a new month: December. The re-American-ization begins. Shaving kits are bought in mass

quantities. Le football now becomes plain soccer. All is right and America is back to the way it was. For now.

When asked to be interviewed, Agents X, Y, and Z refused to comment.

MovemberMOVEMBER FROM PAGE 1

“No-Shave” November was

once a fun-filled and celebrated month-long

holiday. Now, it is nothing more than a month

that will live in infamy.

PAGE 519 NOVEMBER 2014 NopiNioNs

As of this week, opinion writers Emaline Lapinski and Emily Pizza have run out of opinions to write about.

“It’s just…” said Pizza ’16, “I can’t even say. I have no

more opinions left.”Both writers attribute the

lack of opinions on the huge demand for opinions in today’s society.

At K College, the need for someone to spew at least one opinion once a day can quickly deplete one’s stock.

“I’ve been writing opin-ions for two years now,” said Pizza. “Now I can barely offer my take on past reading for

class, much less write 300-350 words about whatever is hap-pening on campus.”

Word from Dow is that ev-eryone has a limited supply of opinions in what is informal-ly called an “opinions tank.”

Much like the gas tank on a car, these opinions can be used up, causing the “opinions tank” to run dry unless filled again. Refilling the opinion tank can’t just happen – it

often needs to be triggered by campus drama or a national/world-wide event.

“I feel,” Pizza started, before pausing and then wan-dering away.

Students in Dow have yet to develop a temporary solu-tion to empty opinion tanks. A prototype “Vitamin O” is currently in development, but not available to the public. According to one Chem-

istry major, who wishes to remain anonymous, Vitamin O, when taken, causes the user to explode into a frenzy of opinions.

“Right now, we’re trying to perfect the vitamin,” a rep-resentative from Dow ex-plained in the grove behind Trowbridge . “During the last test, users would just provide their opinions without even being asked or in the middle

of conversations where it was not an appropriate topic. We want to perfect the formula so that users can reserve their precious opinions until the tank can be refilled by natural means, like by a politician saying something racist or the campus squirrels dressing in racially insensitive costumes.”

Will this new Vitamin O be the cure? Who knows, I’m out of opinions.

Opinion Writers Have No More Opinions

By Emily Pizza

All Praise Pizza

First of all, you’re all welcome.I sit at my computer every week and tirelessly look up

sources, find statistics, interview knowledgeable indi-viduals, and write an article about things that matter and nobody seems to read them.

Until I get you all free tuition.A few weeks ago I wrote about Germany creating free

college tuition, and a few weeks later, we become a tui-tion-free college. Coincidence? I think not!

My expert opinions on the topic were enough to get to the college president, and convince her that a tuition free school was important to meet Kalamazoo College’s opin-ions on having a socially just campus.

Our previous tuition was out of this world expensive, and not having to pay that anymore gives students plenty of extra moolah in their wallets.

Therefore, I would like to use that extra money to create a school wide holiday. I decree today, November 19, Emily Pizza day.

We would all get today off from classes, so we can fully bask in my awesomeness without having to worry about

papers or exams, and there would be a parade in my honor. The cafeteria would have specialty pizza’s with my face

painted on in black olives and pepperoni. And, of course, the mural would be covered up with a blown-up image of my article I the paper.

The issue of The Index that comes out that day would be all about me, with all of my favorite past opinion pieces and other articles noting how spectacular a person I am.

It would also include a letter from yours truly updating the school on my most recent accomplishments, which I’m sure will include finding the cure to cancer and creating a teleportation device, amongst other things.

Basically, after all the hard work I’ve done complain-ing about campus issues these past few years and forcing you to read them in print-form, I deserve some special recognition.

For those of you that I don’t deserve this, or that I’m tooting my own horn too much I have one thing to say to you: go find another school and pay their tuition.

Moral of the story, I’m great, and I deserve my own holiday, you’re welcome.

emaline lapinskiindex staff writer

Graphic by Graham Key

PAGE 6

SPORTSNOVEMBER 19, 2014 THE INDEX

With winter looming, some of Kalamazoo College’s proud-est sports teams are preparing for what they hope to be their shining moments.

The Kalamazoo College Curling Club and Kalamazoo College Snow Shoveling Team are gearing up for their respec-

tive runs at the state champi-onship in December. At the same time K’s Mall Walking Team is preparing for the Na-tional Collegiate Mall Walking Championship Dec. 23.

The K Curling Club is cap-tained by Bob Robert ’16. He hopes the team can perform better than in past years where they’ve always finished dead last.

“Last year was tough,” said Robert. ”But this year I feel like we could take home the

trophy.” Robert’s newfound confi-

dence stems from the addition of new star player Katie Kath-erine ’18. Katherine plays the curler position for the Hornets. She has done a great job de-livering the stones this season and helping the team set new school records.

Similar to the Curling Club, the Snow Shoveling team is anticipating a better season than in the past. Because of last year’s Polar Vortex, the

New Kalamazoo Sports Teams Seek Successteam struggled to clear it all. Thanks to a friendly donation the team has brand new shovels for the first time in 21 years and hopes the new equipment will lead to further success.

Much like the Curling Club and Snow Shoveling teams, the Mall Walking Team is trying to recover from last season’s poor results.

“Last year we had a chance at nationals, but our guys just couldn’t keep it together down the stretch.” Said senior team

captain Cam Cameron ’15. Cameron was referenc-

ing the final lap of the Mall Walking State Finals last year when a K walker succumbed to the pressure and walked into a Godiva chocolates stand disqualifying herself from the race.

This year K’s Mall Walking Team qualified for nation-als by placing second at the State Finals held locally at The Crossroads Mall in Portage, Mich.

Next month the Mall Walking team will leave for Bloomington, Minn. where they will compete at the Mall of America. The National Tourna-ment is designed to be closer to Christmas so competitors have to dodge last minute Christ-mas shoppers during the com-petition.

“We know that nationals will be tough.” Said Cameron, “But we are going to practice on Black Friday to get the best preparation.”

nick marshindex staff writer

janelle grantindex staff writer

SHARK SWALLOWS STUDENT

Number 93 will always be remembered for his performance on and off the field as a student athlete. His legacy will live on at this college.

The Kalamazoo football team pulled off a win against Hope College in their last game of the season. This win was a big deal not only because the football team has not defeated Hope since 1995, but because Hope os-tensibly summoned a great white shark in wake of losing.

Ronnie Russell ’17 re-counted how the Hornets won. “The ball was poorly snapped and rolled on the ground for little then finally, as it was kicked, Hope got a hand on it and partially blocked it the ball hit the bottom bar of the field goal post and finally, bounced into the uprights.”

The final score? Kalama-zoo 30, Hope 29.

The celebration on the field was very energetic. So ener-getic that the teams’ energy channeled a monster from the depths of the sea. This is no exaggeration. Number 93 has been eaten by a shark on the field.

It sounds a bit far-fetched, but spectator Janay Johnson ’17 saw it happen. “Once the team started celebrating their win, a giant shark emerged

from the field.” This finned beast opened its mouth, and, as Johnson summed, “the rest is history.” Unfortunately for number 93, his jumped for joy ended in a jump right into demise.

“We think it was Hope getting back at us,” Johnson said.

Number 93 will always be remembered for his per-formance on and off the field as a student athlete.

His legacy will live on at this college. Number 93’s family would like to remind the student body to always be alert because you never know when these freak ac-cidents may occur.

Football player Shon Powell ’18, who had just read Herman Melville’s seminal work, that the perpetrator was really a white whale. He wants to start hunting the whale, exclaiming “This is

the Pequod, bound round the world! Tell them to address all future letters to the Pacific Ocean!”

Meanwhile, winged demons have been spotted at Hillsdale.

K’s Football team celebrates big victory against Hope College, but loses one of their own in the process