Mental & Emotional Tool Kit

Mental & Emotional Tool Kit

Tool Kit#1 Recognize, appreciate role of Emotion#2 To have Unconditional Self-Acceptance#3 Develop an Internal Locus of Control#4 To Recognize Irrational Thinking#5 To Correct Irrational Thinking#6 Step-by-step approach to troubling Life Events#7 Recognize when people have Mistaken Goals#8 Evaluate your own thoughts, feelings and actions#9 Understand why change is tough, how to make it#10 Assert yourself with I Messages

Ray Mathis

www.itsjustanevent.com

YouTube

Channel: itsjustanevent

Mental and EmotionalFitness Parts 1-13

The Goal

To fix anything that’s broken

To build a better life for yourself

“Any job is easyif you use the right tool”

Think of yourself as an

APPRENTICE

Tool #1

To recognize and appreciatethe important role

Emotionplays in everyday life

E – Motion

can be helpful

Energy to Move

Dysfunctional Amount of Emotion

• More than is necessary or helpful

• More than we’d like to have

• More than we know what to do with

• More than is healthy for us

• A type and amount that works against us instead of for us

Makes us REACT to lifeinstead of

RESPOND to it

It makes us less

Response-ABLE

It can makeotherwise smart people

do stupid things

My Goal Today

Teach you how to havetruly effective

Emotional Management

Tool #2

UnconditionalSelf-Acceptance

(USA)

SHAME

When you believe youaren’t living up to your own

or someone else’s

Expectations

There are oftenplenty of Expectations from

• Parents

• Teachers

• Coaches

• Friends

• Religion

• Society

Plenty Plenty of = of Expectations Opportunities

for young people to feel SHAME

Too many young people are even told

“You should be ASHAMED of yourself”

Please don’t ever say thatto YOUR kids

Primary Disturbance

SHAME can be the primary feeling people seek relief from by

• Alcohol abuse

• Drug abuse

• Suicide

SHAME

is often the reason studentsshut down in school

and eventually drop out

Secondary DisturbanceSHAME is also makes people

• Keep what they think and feel a secret

• Less likely to ask for or accept help that’s available

How keeping secrets hurts

• Irrational thoughts get rehearsed

• They go unchallenged

• Develop cognitive “RUTS”

• Becomes automatic to think that

• OPINIONS start to feel like FACTS

“Shame blocks change”

Dr. Albert Ellis

It keeps people from makingchanges they could

and might need to make

Part of the solutionis

U.S.A.

Anything youthink, feel, say or do

is perfectly

UNDERSTANDABLE

That does NOT mean it’s

• Helpful (rational)

• Healthy

• Acceptable to others

Put other people through exactly what you’ve

been through

And they’d probably end upthinking, feeling and doing

what you do

(And maybe even worse)

We all do the BEST we can at the time

Given what we’vebeen through

And the situations wefind ourselves in

Regardless of what youthink, feel, say or do

• You’ll never be the first • You’re never going to be the

last• You’ll always have a lot of

company• It’s part of being human

No one’s perfect

Everyone makes mistakes

That’s why we haveER’s, paramedics, police

therapists, etc.

We’re all FHB’s

Fallible Human Beings

(Dr. Albert Ellis)

Who at timesthink, feel, say and do things

that make our livesworse instead of better

It’s nothing to be ashamed of

UnconditionalOther Acceptance

(UOA)

Benefits to you

• Can still dislike what others say and do

• Less likely to take what others say and do personally

• Generate a lot less emotion

Tool #5

To develop an

Internal Locus of Control

Why?• To feel the way YOU want to feel

• To feel as good as possible

• To control of your emotional destiny

• The best way to get even is to feel good

• To have real POWER

• To stop giving away the power & control you do have

• To be the “adult in the room”

But most of all

To be smarter than everyone else

The vast majority of people live their lives based on a lie

The Big Lie

“What others say and doand what happens

MAKES me feel the way I do”

Locus of Control

Where you see your feelings coming from

What you see as the cause of them

Externalor

Internal

Understandable

Part of being human

The Problem

You make how you feel depend on events, other people

that you can’t and don’tCONTROL

The end result

• You feel worse than you need to, for longer than necessary

• You miss many opportunities to feel better

The real formula forfeelings

Event + Thoughts = Feeling

Thoughts cause feelings,not events

a + b = c constant variable

5 + 6 = 11 5 + 9 = 14 5 + 3 = 8

Feeling Event + Thoughts = Feeling (constant) (variable) Feeling

Anxiety is a figment of

IMAGINATION

• It’s about things that haven’t happened yet

• Things that could, but often never do

Anxiety DISORDER

Spend too much time in theirIMAGINATION

instead of dealing with theHere and Now

To combat anxiety

Staying in the NOW

Step 1: “That might happen, but it hasn’t happen yet”

Step 2: “And if it does, I’ll deal with it”

“Like I have before”

“Like other people do”

Cognitive Choices• How we LOOK AT things• What MEANING we attach• What we REMEMBER about the past• What we IMAGINE will happen next• What we FOCUS on• What we COMPARE things to• What we EXPECT (self, others, life)• How much IMPORTANCE we attach• What we spend our time THINKING about

Emotional DestinyHow you’re going to feel

in the next few

• Seconds• Minutes• Hours• Days

• Weeks

• Months

• Years


Choices > Emotional Destiny

Power Choices = and

Control over your

Emotional Destiny

Cognitive Choices

are a big part of your

Tool Kit(Like a tune-up kit for a car)

“YOU really tick me off”“YOU make me feel guilty all the time”

“YOU hurt my feelings”“YOU’re always putting pressure on me”

that’s like saying

“Here, YOU can have my tool kit because I won’t be using it”

YOU get to decide how I’m going to feel

instead of ME

External Locus

• You give away the power and control you DO have

• You give others power and control they DON’T really have

People are always misspeaking

about the way their feelings come about

Here’s the waysome things really are

People don’t make us mad

We make ourselves mad

Anger comes from inside usnot outside

School, a job, and other people don’t stress us out

We stress ourselves out by the way we choose to look at things

Stress comes from inside usnot outside us

People can’t and don’tput pressure on us

We put pressure on ourselves

Pressure comes from inside usnot outside us

No one can hurt ourfeelings

Sometimes

Because of what we think about someone

And what they say and do to us

We make ourselves feel hurt

Hurt comes from inside usnot outside us

People can’t and don’tmake us happy

We can’t and don’tmake them happy

“A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be”

Abraham Lincoln

Feelingscome from inside us

Not outside us


Everything otherssay and do

and that happens is just an

EVENT

It’s OUR choice….• How we look at things• What meaning we attach• What we remember about the past• What we imagine will happen next• What we expect (ourselves, others, life)• What we focus on• What we compare things to• How much importance we attach• What we spend our time thinking about

And given that

Thoughts cause feelings, not events


Choices > Emotional Destiny

Therefore,It’s also logically true that

It’s OUR choicehow we want to feel

Including how we want to feel about ourselves

• No one upsets us, we upset ourselves

• We are responsible for how we feel, not others

• It’s not their problem if we feel bad, it’s ours

• It’s not their job to make us feel better, it’s ours

Did you ever use these as a child to defend yourself?

“I know you are but what am I?”

“I’m rubber, you’re glue. What you say bounces off me and sticke to you”

“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me”

Adult version

“You can think or say whatever you want about me

BUTIt’s my choice how I look at myself

AND It’s my choice how I want to feel

about myself”

People can’t and don’tmake us feel bad about ourselves

They can’t and don’tmake us feel better either

“Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms.

To choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.

To choose one’s own way.”

Dr. Victor FranklHolocaust Survivor

Your last freedomis your

Attitude


“It’s just an EVENT”

It’s not intended to beDISCOUNTING or INSENSITIVE

of a tragic event in your life

“It’s your choice how you want to feel”does NOT mean…

• You shouldn’t feel the way you do

• It’s your fault you feel that way

• There’s something wrong with you for feeling that way

• It’s okay others said or did what they did

• You’re making a big deal out of nothing

It simply meansthere will always be more than

one wayto look at anything

Whatever way we pick will always be perfectly

understandable

Given our life experiences

But some ways will makeus feel BETTER

And others will make usfeel WORSE

Some will make it EASIERto deal with things

Others will make it HARDER

And

We always have aCHOICE

BUT

No way we choose tolook at things

will ever change what happened

Beauty is in theEye of the Beholder

So is feeling

GOOD or BAD

“Life is Mind-Made”

Dr. Chris Eisenbarth

Me: “How am I suppose to look at things?”Jerry: “Right now you’re looking at having those kids in your class as being a problem.

Why not look at it as a challenge,

or opportunity to prove you’re as good a teacher as you and I both think you are?”

When something happens, and you don’t like it, which is it?

Problem?or

Challenge?or

Opportunity?

What you call it

• Doesn’t change what happens, or what might

• It just makes you generate more or less emotion

• It just makes it easier or harder to deal with

My MINDSET

It’s not a PROBLEM

It’s just an EVENT

• It’s just something I have to deal with

• Like I have many times already in the past

• Like I probably will again in the future

• Like other people have, and do every day

It’s what I get paid to deal with

And I’m supposed toknow how to deal with kids

better than others

Took pride in being able to do thatbetter than others

Suggested MINDSET for you• It’s just an EVENT• It’s just something I have to deal with• Just like I have many times before• Just like I probably will again• Just like many other people do• Take pride in being able to deal with it• And in doing so better than others• And better than you did before

But remember thatif you struggle

That’s part of being human

And nothing to be ashamed of

Developing an Internal Locus of Control

also means…

• To learn what you do and don’t control

• To focus on and work with what you do control

The truth is….

• We can’t control what OTHERS think, feel, say and do

• We only control what WE think, feel, say and do

It helps to remind yourself…

• Others can think, feel, say and do whatever they want to

• They don’t have to think, feel, say or do anything

• Least of all what we want them to

Developing an Internal Locus of Control

also means…

To avoid taking unnecessary responsibility

for howothers make themselves feel

You’re responsible forwhat you say and do

But not for how othersmake themselves feel about it

With any life event

People can find something tofeel good about

Or something that they canget upset about

Once they choose to upset themselves

People can upset themselvesas little or as much

as they want to

It’s THEIR choice….

• How THEY look at things

• What meaning THEY attach

• What THEY remember about the past

• What THEY imagine will happen next

• What THEY expect (self, others, life)

• What THEY focus on

• What THEY compare things to

• How much importance THEY attach

• What they spend their time thinking about

It’s THEIR choicehow THEY want to feel

• No one upsets them, they upset themselves

• You’re not responsible for how they feel, they are

• It’s not your problem if they upset themselves, it’s theirs

• It’s not your job to make them feel better, it’s theirs

You can’t make others happy

You can’t make people feel better about themselves

You can’t make other people proud of you

You can’t make someone love you

Tool #6, Part 1

Recognize Irrational Thinking

Why it’s important

• Thoughts cause feelings, not events

• Attitude is always the father of behavior

Irrational means

• Makes you feel worse than necessary or helpful

• Causes you to do things that make your life worse

Four types of Irrational Thinking

• Demandiness

• Awfulizing

• Can’t Stand It-itis

• Label and Damning

Demandiness

We need air water and food

We have to have them

They are necessities to life

We’ll die in minutes, days, or weeks

if we don’t get them

Do we needLOVE

the same way we needair, water and food?

How about theacceptance, approval, respect

of others?

Rule #1

You have the right to want whatever you want

Mistakes people make

• Start to think they NEED things they simply want

• Start to treat simple preferences as NECESSITIES

• Start to DEMAND what they simply desire

Perceived Need

• We think we need something

• And it’s nice to have

• But we’re NOT going to die if we don’t get it

• We CAN live without it

Understandable

Part of being human

We have to be judiciousabout the way we use words like

• Need• Have to• Can’t• Should• Shouldn’t

Dysfunctional Amount of Emotion

• More than is necessary or helpful• More than you want to have• More than you know what to do with• More than is healthy for you• A type, amount that works against

you instead of for you?

Remember

Thoughts cause feelings,not events

Rule #2

The bigger the difference between your expectations and

reality the more emotion you’ll

generate needlessly

You can make The feeling Pronouns

Demands of end up with that are used

Others Anger You, They He, She

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anxiety Self Shame, Guilt I

Loneliness ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Depression Life Boredom This, It

Anxiety

The Essence of Anger

They HAVE TO (should, must) do what I want!

They HAVE TO (should, must)be the way

I want them to be!

How old does that sound?

That’s why Dr. Ellisused to say

Anger is a Temper Tantrum

People like feeling ANGRYbecause it gives them a false sense of

• Power

• Righteousness

• Permission

• Protection

Demands of Yourself

Before Event After Event

Anxiety Shame, Guilt

Anxiety-producing thoughts about parents

I have to (need to, must) make them happy I can’t disappoint them

I have to (need to) make them proud of me I can’t let them down

I have to (need to, must) please them I can’t upset them like I did in the past

I have to (need to, must) do what they want

The essence of Anxiety

I HAVE TO be perfect and do everything perfectly

all the time (self)

Everything HAS TO go exactly as I planned or

want it to (life)

Remember

Demands of Yourself

Before Event After Event

Anxiety Shame, Guilt

SHOULD

Others Yourself Life

Anger Shame Depression Guilt Boredom Loneliness

SHAME, Guilt thoughts

I should have done better I shouldn’t have gotten so many wrongI should be doing more with my lifeI should be doing better in school I shouldn’t being getting bad grades I should know how to do that by nowI should be able to do what others can I shouldn’t have done that I should know better

As a general rule

It’s not good toSHOULD

on yourself or others

The Essence of Depression

My life SHOULDN’T (can’t) be the way it is

This SHOULDN’T (can’t) be happening to me

Depressive thoughts

It (life) shouldn’t be so hardI shouldn’t have to deal with thisIt (life) should be easier that thisIt’s not fair (and life should be)

Demands in the form of questions

Anger

How dare they...? = They can’t How could they…? = They shouldn’t

Shame, Guilt

How could I….? = I shouldn’t have

Remember

Attitude is always the father

of behavior

Rule #3

When people start to think they need something they simply want, it makes otherwise smart people

do stupid things

Rule #4

Behavior intended to satisfy a perceived need will win out over

behavior intended to satisfy a rational preference

Awfulizing

“You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill”

My grandfather

Rule #5

You have a right to like or dislike whatever you want to

If you truly couldn’t stand it

• Die (physically)

• Go crazy (mentally)

-itis = inflammation

You needlesslyINFLAME

yourself

Can’t Stand It-itis

Labeland

Damning

Label and Damning

• Calling an apple “bad” because it has a bruise

• Calling someone “stupid” because they did a stupid thing

• Condemning the DOER instead of the DEED

• Can Label & Damn others or yourself

Tool #6, Part 2

Correcting Irrational Thinking

Strategy 1

The Scientific Method

Thoughts Theories and = and Comments Hypotheses

About the way life is or should be

The Basic Questions

• Does the evidence of everyday life support your theory or hypothesis?

• Or does it refute it?

• Does it suggest a better theory or hypothesis?

They can’t tell me what to do

VS

They can do whatever they want

Strategy 2

Fact or Opinion?

They can’t tell me what to do

VS

They can do whatever they want

Strategy 3

Demands in the form of questions

How dare they...? EASILY! How could they…? EASILY! How could I….? EASILY!

How dare they talk to me like that?

How could they not get this?

How could I have made such a mistake?

How could you/I be so stupid?

Strategy 4

Simple but directQuestions

Demandiness

They need to (have to, must) show me more respect

Why do they need to do that?Do you need to do that like they need like air, water, food?They need to, or you just want them to?They need to, or you’d just like them to?

If you start your answer with“Because….”

Then anything that followsis the wrong answer

They need to (have to, must) show me more respect

Why do they need to do that?Do you need to do that like they need like air, water, food?They need to, or you just want them to?They need to, or you’d just like them to?

They have to (should, must) apologize for that

Why do they have to?They have to, or you just want them to?They have to, or you’d just like them to?

They can’t (shouldn’t, must not) say things like that

Why can’t they?They can’t, or you just don’t want them to?They can’t, or you just don’t like when they do?

I have to (should, must) get an A

Why do you have to?You have to, or just want to?You have to, or would just like to?

I can’t (shouldn’t, must not) get a B or a C in this class

Why can’t you?You can’t, or just don’t want to?You can’t, or just wouldn’t like to?

It’s enough to simply reallyWANT to do something

HAVE TO often ends up beingtoo much of a good thing

Strategy 5

UseI-Messages

OldThey need to (should, have to, must) apologize for that

New

I want them to apologize for thatI’d like them to apologize

Old

I have to (need to) get an A

New

I really want to get an AI’d really like to get an A

But I don’t have to

Old

They can’t say things like that

New

I don’t want people saying thatI don’t like when people say that

Old

I can’t get a B or a C in that class

New

I really don’t want to get a B or CI really don’t like getting B’s or C’s

But it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I did

Put your behavior where you want your attitude to be

Practice talking the wayyou want to think

Awfulizing

It’s really awful that they said that

Why is it so awful?

Is it awful, or just unpleasant?Is it awful, or just inconvenient? Is it awful, or just uncomfortable?

Is it awful like having cancer?

Can’t Stand It-itis

I can’t stand when people do things like that

Why can’t you stand it?Are you going to die or go crazy?You can’t stand it, or just don’t like it?

Labeland

Damning

They’re jerks for saying things like that about me

Why are they jerks just because of that?They’re jerks, or just did a jerky thing?They’re jerks, or just did something you didn’t like?They’re jerks, or just FHBs like the rest of us?

Tool #7

A step-by-step approachto troubling life events

Dr. Albert Ellis

• A Activating Event 1 or 2

• B Beliefs (recognize) 3

• C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2

• D Dispute (correct) 4

• E Effective Coping Statement 5

• F Functional Amt. of Emotion

Strategy 6

Effective Coping Statements

It’s not the end of the world It’s not that big a deal It’s over and done with They can say whatever they want to People can believe whatever they want The only person I control is me I’ve survived worse It’s my choice how I want to feel

“The problems of manare man-made.

They can be solved by man”

John F. Kennedy

“You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that

created it”

Albert Einstein

YouTube Tutorials


Mental and EmotionalFitness Parts 1-13

Tool #6

Understanding why changeis hard

And what it takes

Cognitive, Emotional& Behavioral

RUTS

It becomesAUTOMATIC

to think, feel, say or dosomething

RUTS

Why people recreate their past

It’s why peoples’ history becomes their destiny

That could be a good thingor a bad thing

Very Important

Once RUTS get createdyou can’t get rid of them

You can only make NEW ONES

To change we need to

• Make a new connection or pathway– To think, feel, say and do things

differently

• Use it untils it becomes a RUT – And can compete with your old

ones

You can alwaysslip back into your old

RUTS

Understandable

Part of being human

www.itsjustanevent.com

You Tube


Mental and EmotionalFitness

Parts #1-13

Documents

Mental & Emotional Tool Kit