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Mental & Emotional Tool Kit for Life. Ray Mathis www. itsjustanevent .com. YouTube Channel: itsjustanevent Mental and Emotional Fitness Parts 1-13. “Any job is easy if you use the right tool”. Tool #1 To recognize and appreciate the important role Emotion plays in everyday life. - PowerPoint PPT Presentation
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Mental & Emotional Tool Kit
for Life
Ray Mathis
www.itsjustanevent.com
YouTube
Channel: itsjustanevent
Mental and EmotionalFitness Parts 1-13
“Any job is easyif you use the right tool”
Tool #1
To recognize and appreciatethe important role
Emotionplays in everyday life
E – Motion
can be helpful
Energy to Move
Dysfunctional Amount of Emotion
• More than is necessary or helpful
• More than we’d like to have
• More than we know what to do with
• More than is healthy for us
• A type and amount that works against us instead of for us
Makes us REACT to lifeinstead of
RESPOND to it
It makes us less
Response-ABLE
Response-Ability
Ability to respond to lifeinstead of react to it
It can makeotherwise smart people
do stupid things
Behavior
starts and continues becauseit serves a purpose
It’s alwaysgoal-orientated
Mistaken Goals
• Get us off course
• Get some immediate satisfaction
• Less likely to get what we really want in the long run
Tool #8
To recognize when you and others have
Mistaken Goals
Mistaken Goals
• Attention (love, acceptance, approval, respect)
• Power (control)
• Revenge
• Avoidance of Failure
• Withdrawal-Avoidance-Relief
DysfunctionalAmount of Emotion
• Gives purpose to unhealthy, self-defeating behavior
• Driving force behind behavior intended to satisfy mistaken goals
The more Emotion someonegenerates
• The more purpose it serves
• The more driven people are
My Goal Today
Teach you how to havetruly effective
Emotional Management
Tool #2
UnconditionalSelf-Acceptance
(USA)
SHAME
When you believe youaren’t living up to your own
or someone else’s
Expectations
There are alwaysplenty of Expectations from
• Parents
• Teachers
• Coaches
• Friends
• Religion
• Society
Plenty Plenty of = of Expectations Opportunities
for young people to feel SHAME
Too many young people are even told
“You should be ASHAMED of yourself”
Please don’t ever say thatto YOUR kids
Teachers never should
Primary Disturbance
SHAME can be the primary feeling people seek relief from by
• Alcohol abuse
• Drug abuse
• Suicide
SHAME
is often the reason studentsshut down in school
and eventually drop out
Secondary DisturbanceSHAME is also makes people
• Keep what they think and feel a secret
• Less likely to ask for or accept help that’s available
Lots of bad things happenbecause
people keep secrets
How keeping secrets hurts
• Irrational thoughts get rehearsed
• “Like a broken record”
• Thoughts go unchallenged
• Develop cognitive “RUTS”
• Becomes automatic to think that
• OPINIONS start to feel like FACTS
Suicide
#3 cause of death for teens
Is that decision usually based onFACTS or OPINIONS
about themselves and their life?
“My life sucks”“I can’t take any more of this”“It’s never going to get any better”“They’re never going to stop”“I’m never going to feel better”
Facts or Opinions?
“Shame blocks change”
Dr. Albert Ellis
It keeps people from makingchanges they could
and might need to make
SHAME can lead to
• Anxiety
• Anger
ANGER gives people a false sense of
• Power
• Righteousness
• Permission
• Protection
Turtlesor
Rattlesnakes
Low Self Esteem
SHAME + ANXIETY about about the past the future
Part of the solutionis
U.S.A.
Anything youthink, feel, say or do
is perfectly
UNDERSTANDABLE
That does NOT mean it’s
• Helpful (rational)
• Healthy
• Acceptable to others
Put other people through exactly what you’ve
been through
And they’d probably end upthinking, feeling and doing
what you do
(And maybe even worse)
We all do the BEST we can at the time
Given what we’vebeen through
And the situations wefind ourselves in
Regardless of what youthink, feel, say or do
• You’ll never be the first • You’re never going to be the
last• You’ll always have a lot of
company• It’s part of being human
No one’s perfect
Everyone makes mistakes
We’re all FHB’s
Fallible Human Beings
Dr. Albert Ellis
Who at timesthink, feel, say and do things
that make our livesworse instead of better
It’s nothing to be ashamed of
UnconditionalOther Acceptance
(UOA)
Benefits to you
• Can still dislike what others say and do
• Less likely to take what others say and do personally
• Generate a lot less emotion
Tool #3
To develop an
Internal Locus of Control
Locus of Control
Where you see your feelings coming from
What you see as the cause of them
Externalor
Internal
Understandable
Part of being human
The Problem
You make how you feel depend on events, other people
that you can’t and don’tCONTROL
The end result
• You feel worse than you need to, for longer than necessary
• You miss many opportunities to feel better
The real formula forfeelings
Event + Thoughts = Feeling
Thoughts cause feelings,not events
a + b = c constant variable
5 + 6 = 11 5 + 9 = 14 5 + 3 = 8
Feeling Event + Thoughts = Feeling (constant) (variable) Feeling
Dr. Albert Ellis ABC Theory of Emotions A = Activating Event (Adversity)B = BeliefsC = Consequences (Feel, Do)
Event + Thoughts = Feeling > Do
a + b = c
Activating + Beliefs = Consequence Event (feel, do)
Anxiety is a figment of
IMAGINATION
• It’s about things that haven’t happened yet
• Things that could, but often never do
Anxiety DISORDER
Spend too much time in theirIMAGINATION
instead of dealing with theHere and Now
To combat anxiety
Staying in the NOW
Step 1: “That might happen, but it hasn’t happen yet”
Step 2: “And if it does, I’ll deal with it”
“Like I have before”
“Like other people do”
Cognitive Choices• How we LOOK AT things• What MEANING we attach• What we REMEMBER about the past• What we IMAGINE will happen next• What we FOCUS on• What we COMPARE things to• What we EXPECT (self, others, life)• How much IMPORTANCE we attach• What we spend our time THINKING about
Event + Thoughts = Feeling
Choices
Power Choices = and
Control over your
Emotional Destiny
“You make me mad”
is like saying
YOU get to decide how I’m going to feel
instead of ME
External Locus
• You give away the power and control you DO have
• You give others power and control they DON’T really have
People are always misspeaking
about the way their feelings come about
If we keep misspeaking
• Keep feeling worse than we need to
• Miss opportunities to feel better
Semantic
Precision and
Correctness
People don’t make us mad
We make ourselves mad
Anger comes from inside usnot outside
School, a job, and other people don’t stress us out
We stress ourselves out by the way we choose to look at things
Stress comes from inside usnot outside us
People can’t and don’tput pressure on us
We put pressure on ourselves
Pressure comes from inside usnot outside us
Including Peer Pressure
No one can hurt ourfeelings
Sometimes
Because of what we THINK
About someoneand what they say and do to us
We make ourselves feel hurt
Hurt comes from inside usnot outside us
People can’t and don’tmake us happy
We can’t and don’tmake them happy
“A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be”
Abraham Lincoln
Feelings, Stress, Pressurecome from inside us
Not outside us
Event + Thoughts = Feeling
Everything otherssay and do
and that happens is just an
EVENT
That is NOT intended to be
DISCOUNTING
of a tragic event in your life
There’s a SCIENCE to thisbut also an ART to it
It’s OUR choice….• How we look at things• What meaning we attach• What we remember about the past• What we imagine will happen next• What we expect (ourselves, others, life)• What we focus on• What we compare things to• How much importance we attach• What we spend our time thinking about
And given that
Thoughts cause feelings, not events
Event + Thoughts = Feeling
Choices
Then logically,
It’s OUR choicehow we want to feel
Furthermore
• No one upsets us, we upset ourselves
• We’re responsible for how we feel, not others
• It’s not their problem if we feel bad, it’s ours
• It’s not their job to make us feel better, it’s ours
It does NOT mean…
• You shouldn’t feel the way you do
• It’s your fault you feel that way
• There’s something wrong with you for feeling that way
• It’s okay others said or did what they did
• You’re making a big deal out of nothing
It simply meansthere will always be more than
one wayto look at anything
Whatever way we pick will always be perfectly
understandable
Given our life experiences
But some ways will makeus feel BETTER
And others will make usfeel WORSE
Some will make it EASIERto deal with things
Others will make it HARDER
And
We always have aCHOICE
And
The way we choose tolook at things
will never change what happened
Tool #9
Evaluating your thoughts, feelings, actions
with regardto your life goals
Question 1
What do you really want?
How do you want to feel?
Question 2
How’s it working for you?
To think, feel, say and dowhat you do now?
Question 3
If you keep thinking, feeling, saying and
doing what you do nowWill it be easier or harder in
the future?
Question 4
If someone else thinks, feels, says or does that
Are you likely to get what you want from them, with them?
To feel the way you want to?
Me: “How am I suppose to look at things?”Jerry: “Right now you’re looking at having those kids in your class as being a problem.
Why not look at it as a challenge,
or opportunity to prove you’re as good a teacher as you and I both think you are?”
When something happens, and you don’t like it, which is it?
Problem?or
Challenge?or
Opportunity?
My MINDSET
It’s not a PROBLEM
It’s just an EVENT
As a Teacher
It’s what I get paid to deal with
And I’m supposed toknow how to deal with kids
better than others
I take pride in being able to
With everyday life
• It’s just something I have to deal with
• Like I have many times before
• Like I probably will again in the future
• Like other people have, and do every day
Take pride in doing so
• Better than others around you
• Better than you did before
But remember thatif you struggle
That’s part of being human
And nothing to be ashamed of
Self-Esteem
People can’t and don’tmake us feel bad about ourselves
They can’t and don’tmake us feel better either
Child versions of self-defense
“I know you are but what am I?”
“I’m rubber, you’re glue. What you say bounces off me and stick to you”
“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me”
“I know you are but what am I” >>>>> Protected
“How dare you Lose say that?” >>>>>>>> Protection
Adult version
“You can think or say whatever you want about me
BUTIt’s my choice how I look at myself
AND It’s my choice how I want to feel
about myself”
“And you don’t get to makethose choices for me
Unless I let you
And I choose NOT to”
“Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms.
To choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.
To choose one’s own way.”
Dr. Victor FranklHolocaust Survivor
Your last freedomis your
Attitude
No one can get inside your headunless you let them
You don’t want to let peoplelive there rent free
It takes practice to get goodat keeping them out
Beauty is in theEye of the Beholder
So is feeling
GOOD or BAD
“Life is Mind-Made”
Dr. Chris Eisenbarth
Internal Locus of Control
• Recognize what you do and don’t control
• Focus on and work with what you do
The truth is….
• We can’t control what OTHERS think, feel, say and do
• We only control what WE think, feel, say and do
Internal Locus of Control
Avoid taking unnecessaryresponsibility for
how others make themselvesfeel
You’re responsible forwhat you say and do
But not for how othersmake themselves feel about it
It’s THEIR choice….
• How THEY look at things
• What meaning THEY attach
• What THEY remember about the past
• What THEY imagine will happen next
• What THEY expect (self, others, life)
• What THEY focus on
• What THEY compare things to
• How much importance THEY attach
• What they spend their time thinking about
It’s THEIR choicehow THEY want to feel
Tool #4
Recognize Irrational Thinking
Why it’s important
• Thoughts cause feelings, not events
• Attitude is always the father of behavior
Irrational means
• Makes you feel worse than necessary or helpful
• Causes you to do things that make your life worse
Dr. Albert Ellis Irrational Thinking
• Demandiness
• Awfulizing
• Can’t Stand It-itis
• Label and Damning
Demandiness
We need air water and food
We have to have them
They are necessities to life
We’ll die in minutes, days, or weeks
if we don’t get them
Do we needLOVE
the same way we needair, water and food?
How about theacceptance, approval, respect
of others?
Rule #1
You have the right to want whatever you want
Mistakes people make
• Start to think they NEED things they simply want
• Start to treat simple preferences as NECESSITIES
• Start to DEMAND what they simply desire
Perceived Need
• We think we need something
• And it’s nice to have
• But we’re NOT going to die if we don’t get it
• We CAN live without it
Understandable
Part of being human
We have to be judiciousabout the way we use words like
• Need• Have to• Can’t• Should• Shouldn’t
Rule #2
The bigger the difference between your expectations and
reality the more emotion you’ll
generate needlessly
You can make The feeling Pronouns
Demands of end up with that are used
Others Anger You, They He, She
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anxiety Self Shame, Guilt I
Loneliness ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Depression Life Boredom This, It
Anxiety
Brainstorming Demands He, She This They, You I It How dare… + How could… + + + Can’t + + + Shouldn’t + + + Need (to) + + + Have to + + + Should + + +
The Essence of Anger
They HAVE TO (should, must) do what I want!
They HAVE TO (should, must)be the way
I want them to be!
How old does that sound?
That’s why Dr. Ellisused to say
Anger is a Temper Tantrum
Demands of Yourself
Before Event After Event
Anxiety Shame, Guilt
Anxiety-producing thoughts about parents
I have to (need to, must) make them happy I can’t disappoint them
I have to (need to) make them proud of me I can’t let them down
I have to (need to, must) please them I can’t upset them like I did in the past
I have to (need to, must) do what they want
The essence of Anxiety
I HAVE TO be perfect and do everything perfectly
all the time (self)
Everything HAS TO go exactly as I planned or
want it to (life)
Remember
Demands of Yourself
Before Event After Event
Anxiety Shame, Guilt
SHOULD
Others Yourself Life
Anger Shame Depression Guilt Boredom Loneliness
SHAME, Guilt thoughts
I should have done better I shouldn’t have gotten so many wrongI should be doing more with my lifeI should be doing better in school I shouldn’t being getting bad grades I should know how to do that by nowI should be able to do what others can I shouldn’t have done that I should know better
As a general rule
It’s not good toSHOULD
on yourself or others
The Essence of Depression
My life SHOULDN’T (can’t) be the way it is
This SHOULDN’T (can’t) be happening to me
Depressive thoughts
It (life) shouldn’t be so hardI shouldn’t have to deal with thisIt (life) should be easier that thisIt’s not fair (and life should be)
Dr. Albert Ellis
Depressionis a
Quiet Temper Tantrum
Demands in the form of questions
Anger
How dare they...? = They can’t How could they…? = They shouldn’t
Shame, Guilt
How could I….? = I shouldn’t have
Remember
Attitude is always the father
of behavior
Rule #3
When people start to think they need something they simply want, it makes otherwise smart people
do stupid things
Rule #4
Behavior intended to satisfy a perceived need will win out over
behavior intended to satisfy a rational preference
Awfulizing
“You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill”
My grandfather
Rule #5
You have a right to like or dislike whatever you want to
If you truly couldn’t stand it
• Die (physically)
• Go crazy (mentally)
-itis = inflammation
You needlesslyINFLAME
yourself
Can’t Stand It-itis
Labeland
Damning
Label and Damning
• Calling an apple “bad” because it has a bruise
• Calling someone “stupid” because they did a stupid thing
• Condemning the DOER instead of the DEED
• Can Label & Damn others or yourself
Tool #6
A step-by-step approachto troubling life events
Dr. Albert Ellis
• A Activating Event 1 or 2• B Beliefs (recognize) 3• C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2• D Dispute (correct) 4• E Effective Coping Statement 5 • F Functional Amt. of Emotion• G Generate Options• H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful
Tool #5
Correcting Irrational Thinking
Dr. Albert Ellis
• A Activating Event 1 or 2
• B Beliefs (recognize) 3• C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2• D Dispute (correct) 4• E Effective Coping Statement 5 • F Functional Amt. of Emotion• G Generate Options• H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful
Strategy 1
The Scientific Method
Thoughts Theories and = and Comments Hypotheses
About the way life is or should be
The Basic Questions
• Does the evidence of everyday life support your theory or hypothesis?
• Or does it refute it?
• Does it suggest a better theory or hypothesis?
They can’t tell me what to do
VS
They can do whatever they want
Strategy 2
Fact or Opinion?
They can’t tell me what to do
VS
They can do whatever they want
Strategy 3
Demands in the form of questions
How dare they...? EASILY! How could they…? EASILY! How could I….? EASILY!
How dare they talk to me like that?
How could they not get this?
How could I have made such a mistake?
How could you/I be so stupid?
Strategy 4
Simple but directQuestions
Demandiness
They need to to apologize for that
Why do they need to do that?Do they need to do that like they need like air, water, food?They need to, or you just want them to?They need to, or you’d just like them to?
If you start your answer with“Because….”
Then anything that followsis the wrong answer
What are the right answers?
Why do they need to do that?Do they need to do that like they need like air, water, food?They need to, or you just want them to?They need to, or you’d just like them to?
They have to apologize for that
Why do they have to?They have to, or you just want them to?They have to, or you’d just like them to?
They can’t say things like that
Why can’t they?They can’t, or you just don’t want them to?They can’t, or you just don’t like when they do?
I have to get an A
Why do you have to?You have to, or just want to?You have to, or would just like to?
I can’t get a B or a C in this class
Why can’t you?You can’t, or just don’t want to?You can’t, or just wouldn’t like to?
It’s enough to simply reallyWANT to do something
HAVE TO often ends up beingtoo much of a good thing
Strategy 5
UseI-Messages
Tool #7
Use I Messagesto assert yourself
OldThey need to apologize for that
New
I want them to apologize for thatI’d like them to apologize
(BUT, no one has to do anything)
Old
I have to get an A
New
I really want to get an AI’d really like to get an A
(But I don’t have to)
Old
They can’t say things like that
New
I don’t want people saying thatI don’t like when people say that
(BUT people can say and do whatever
they want to)
Old
I can’t get a B or a C in that class
New
I really don’t want to get a B or CI really don’t like getting B’s or C’s
(BUT it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I did)
Put your behavior where you want your attitude to be
Practice talking the wayyou want to think
Awfulizing
It’s really awful that they said that
Why is it so awful?
Is it awful, or just unpleasant?Is it awful, or just inconvenient? Is it awful, or just uncomfortable?
Is it awful like having cancer?
Can’t Stand It-itis
I can’t stand when people do things like that
Why can’t you stand it?Are you going to die or go crazy?You can’t stand it, or just don’t like it?
Labeland
Damning
They’re jerks for saying things like that about me
Why are they jerks just because of that?They’re jerks, or just did a jerky thing?They’re jerks, or just did something you didn’t like?They’re jerks, or just FHBs like the rest of us?
Dr. Albert Ellis
• A Activating Event 1 or 2• B Beliefs (recognize) 3• C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2• D Dispute (correct) 4• E Effective Coping Statement 5 • F Functional Amt. of Emotion• G Generate Options• H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful
Effective Coping Statements
It’s not the end of the world It’s not that big a deal It’s over and done with They can say whatever they want to People can believe whatever they want The only person I control is me I’ve survived worse It’s my choice how I want to feel
Tool #10
Understand why change is hardand what it takes
Cognitive, Emotional& Behavioral
RUTS
It becomesAUTOMATIC
to think, feel, say or dosomething
RUTS
Why people recreate their past
It’s why peoples’ history becomes their destiny
That could be a good thingor a bad thing
Very Important
Once RUTS get createdyou can’t get rid of them
You can only make NEW ONES
To change we need to
• Make a new connection or pathway– To think, feel, say and do things
differently
• Use it untils it becomes a RUT – And can compete with your old
ones
You can alwaysslip back into your old
RUTS
Understandable
Part of being human
“The problems of manare man-made.
They can be solved by man”
John F. Kennedy
Active Parenting
Event > Think > Feel > Do
> “Problem”
“You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that
created it”
Albert Einstein
www.itsjustanevent.com
You Tube
Channel: itsjustanevent
Mental and EmotionalFitness
Parts #1-13