Liking and Loving

The Science of How and Why People are Attracted to Each Other

Early Theories

• Charles Darwin and the evolution of the smile

• Reward Theory– We like people whose behavior provides us

with maximum reward at minimum cost– Impossible to argue against, but useless as a

predictive theory

The Effects of Praise and Favors• As expected, we generally like people who

evaluate us positively– Although we think that critical individuals are

more intelligent– However, if we believe that ulterior motives lie

behind the praise, we dislike the person

• Similar logic with favors– Best way to get someone to like you is to get

them to do you a favor– The answer lies in cognitive dissonance

What about personal attributes?

• Competence– In general we prefer competent people.– However, we find the highly competent person

who makes a mistake to be the most likable.– This finding is tied to self-esteem. Low and

moderate self-esteem individuals differ, with low self-esteem (non-competitive) males preferring the perfect individual (don’t perceive person as a threat).

Physical AttractivenessPhysical Attractiveness

• Elaine Walster found that despite our Elaine Walster found that despite our objections, the strongest determinant of objections, the strongest determinant of liking another person is physical liking another person is physical attractiveness.attractiveness.

• White, found that even more important was White, found that even more important was the similarity in level of attractiveness in a the similarity in level of attractiveness in a couple. couple.

What is Beautiful is Good

• Dion and colleagues. Attractive people are assumed to have a multitude of other positive characteristics.

• Think about our fairy tales (Walt Disney).• These effects begin as early as nursery school.• Internal attributions are made for misdeeds of

unattractive children.• Handsome men receive higher starting salaries:

Attractive women get larger raises.

What is Beautiful is Good

• Courtroom issues. In misdemeanor cases, lower bail and fines assessed to physically attractive individuals– Not true for felony cases

• A man is perceived as friendlier and more self-confident in the presence of an attractive female

Self-fulfilling Prophecy

• Snyder, Tanke, and Berscheid– Males shown a photograph of a woman that

they will then talk to over the phone– Men shown an attractive photo rate the women

as more poised, humorous, and socially adept– More importantly, individuals merely listening

to the female’s half of the conversation are more impressed by the women whose partner thought she was attractive

– In essence, positive qualities were drawn out

Similarity and Attraction

• We tend to like those with similar opinions– Rewarding and not threatening to our self-

esteem.

• Fritz Heider first proposed this with Balance Theory

• We will prefer a disagreer, however, if we succeed in converting them to our opinion.

• We assume that people we like agree with our opinions

What do men and women look for in a partner?

• Women look for:– Record of achievement– Leadership qualities– Skill at his job– Earning potential– Sense of humor– Intellectual ability– Attentiveness– Common sense– Athletic ability– Good abstract reasoning

• Men look for:– Physical Attractiveness– Ability in bed– Warmth and affection– Social skill– Homemaking ability– Dress sense– Sensitivity to other’s needs– Good taste– Moral perception– Artistic creativity

Styles of Love

• Hendrick and Hendrick: Love has different meaning to different people

• Six styles of loving– Eros: Passionate Love– Ludus: Game Playing Love– Storge: Friendship Love– Pragma: Logical Love– Mania: Dependent Love– Agape: Selfless Love

Dealing with Dissatisfaction

• Rusboldt and Zimbrodt identified 4 general responses– Exit: ending or actively abusing the relationship– Voice: actively attempting to improve conditions– Loyalty: passively waiting for things to improve– Neglect: passively allowing the relationship to

deteriorate

• Two dimensions: constructive/destructive and active/passive