LGBT Intimate LGBT Intimate Partner ViolencePartner Violence

“Domestic violence is framed as something about male/female relationships, derived from sexism, not from a larger framework of oppressions. I hear all the time, maybe queer relationship violence is there, but it can’t be as bad or [as] frequent as in abusive straight relationships. Even if it is named, it is minimized.”

-Anonymous Survivor

“Our heterosexual friend complains to us about her boyfriend's abusive behavior. She says he won't let her talk to anyone but him, he yells at her and calls her names, he makes her feel crazy all the time, he isolates her, he threatens her, and he terrorizes her with words. We tell her to ditch him. Our lesbian friend tells us about her girlfriend's abusive behavior, describing it in exactly the same terms, and we tell her it's a difference in relationship style. We listen to our father berate our mother, and we tell her she shouldn't put up with it. We listen to a lesbian berate another lesbian, and we think, Well, she didn't hit her. We hear about a friend having been raped by a man, and we want him in jail at least and preferably dead; we hear about a woman raping another woman, and we figure it was just a fantasy gone awry.”—Tess Wiseheart

Part One:Part One:LGBT Intimate Partner LGBT Intimate Partner

Violence 101Violence 101

A Definition of Intimate A Definition of Intimate Partner ViolencePartner Violence

A pattern of behaviors utilized by one partner (the abuser or batterer) to exert and maintain control over another person (the survivor or victim) where there exists an intimate and/or dependent relationship. Physical, emotional, sexual, financial

Recognizing Signs of Intimate Recognizing Signs of Intimate Partner ViolencePartner Violence

One partner consistently humiliates, criticizes, and/or blames the other for things he/she cannot control.

One partner slaps, kicks, punches, pushes, and/or uses weapons against the other.

One partner forces or coerces the other into sexual activity and/or refuses to practice safe sex.

Recognizing Signs of Intimate Recognizing Signs of Intimate Partner ViolencePartner Violence

One partner forces the other into an environment One partner forces the other into an environment where he/she doesn’t feel safe, such as a primarily where he/she doesn’t feel safe, such as a primarily heterosexual, non-LGBT friendly establishment and heterosexual, non-LGBT friendly establishment and forces the other into publicly express affectionforces the other into publicly express affection

One partner uses jealousy and anger to control the One partner uses jealousy and anger to control the other.other.

One partner controls the other’s money, or wants to One partner controls the other’s money, or wants to be need for money.be need for money.

One partner claims to be out of control from alcohol, One partner claims to be out of control from alcohol, drugs, or abusive childhood.drugs, or abusive childhood.

Quick Check List of Abusive Quick Check List of Abusive Behaviors: Does Your Behaviors: Does Your

Partner….Partner…. Act jealous & possessiveAct jealous & possessive

Try to control youTry to control you

Intimidate you Intimidate you

Lose her/his temper quicklyLose her/his temper quickly

Pressure you for sexPressure you for sex

Quick Check List of Abusive Quick Check List of Abusive Behaviors: Does Your Behaviors: Does Your

Partner….Partner…. Blame you when s/he mistreats youBlame you when s/he mistreats you

Threaten to “out” you if you leave the Threaten to “out” you if you leave the relationshiprelationship

Treat your pets or children cruellyTreat your pets or children cruelly

Use or threaten to use a weapon against Use or threaten to use a weapon against youyou

Isolate you from othersIsolate you from others

FACTSFACTS

1 in 4 LGBT individuals are affected by 1 in 4 LGBT individuals are affected by domestic violence. This is the same rate as domestic violence. This is the same rate as heterosexual women.heterosexual women.

LGBT people are more likely to be victims of LGBT people are more likely to be victims of domestic violence (including sexual assault) domestic violence (including sexual assault) than of anti-LGBT violence. than of anti-LGBT violence.

Up to 49% of LGBT youth have experience Up to 49% of LGBT youth have experience teen dating violence.teen dating violence.

Many acts of domestic violence are a crime Many acts of domestic violence are a crime under Ohio law (under Ohio law (See See Ohio Revised Code Ohio Revised Code 2929.25 and 3113.31)2929.25 and 3113.31)

MYTHSMYTHS ““Lesbian Utopia”Lesbian Utopia” ““Boys will be Boys” and the Myth of Mutual Boys will be Boys” and the Myth of Mutual

BatteringBattering LBT women report domestic violence more than LBT women report domestic violence more than

GBT men.GBT men. Who is the batterer?Who is the batterer?

Butch/FemmeButch/Femme Race/ClassRace/Class Body SizeBody Size

S/M is a variation of domestic violenceS/M is a variation of domestic violence

Forms of Battering Specific to Forms of Battering Specific to LGBT PeopleLGBT People

Outing and threats of outing to family, Outing and threats of outing to family, friends, employer, police, community, or friends, employer, police, community, or in child custody disputes.in child custody disputes.

Reinforcing fears that no one will help the Reinforcing fears that no one will help the victim or that they “deserve” the abuse.victim or that they “deserve” the abuse.

Justifying abuse with the notion that Justifying abuse with the notion that partner is not “really” LGBT.partner is not “really” LGBT.

Forms of Battering Specific to Forms of Battering Specific to LGBT PeopleLGBT People

Telling the partner that abusive behavior is a Telling the partner that abusive behavior is a normal part of LGBT relationships or that it can’t normal part of LGBT relationships or that it can’t be DV because it is occurring between LGBT be DV because it is occurring between LGBT individuals.individuals.

Denying victim access to LGBT resources or eventsDenying victim access to LGBT resources or events

Portraying the violence as mutual or even Portraying the violence as mutual or even consensual.consensual.

Depicting the abuse as part of S/MDepicting the abuse as part of S/M

Challenges to Dealing with Challenges to Dealing with LGBT Intimate Partner LGBT Intimate Partner

ViolenceViolence HomophobiaHomophobia Lack of awareness and denial within the LGBT Lack of awareness and denial within the LGBT

communitycommunity Services are oriented primarily to heterosexual Services are oriented primarily to heterosexual

womenwomen Lack of awareness in the “mainstream” anti-DV Lack of awareness in the “mainstream” anti-DV

movement.movement. UnderreportingUnderreporting Fear of disclosure of one’s sexual orientation or Fear of disclosure of one’s sexual orientation or

gender expression or of “being outed.”gender expression or of “being outed.”

How is LGBT intimate partner How is LGBT intimate partner violence violence similarsimilar to to

heterosexual domestic heterosexual domestic violence?violence?

No one deserves to be abused.No one deserves to be abused.

Abuse can be physical, sexual, and verbal Abuse can be physical, sexual, and verbal behavior to coerce or humiliate; behavior to coerce or humiliate; emotional; or psychological.emotional; or psychological.

Abuse often occurs in a cyclic fashion.Abuse often occurs in a cyclic fashion.

Abuse can be lethal.Abuse can be lethal.

How is LGBT intimate partner How is LGBT intimate partner violence violence similarsimilar to to

heterosexual domestic heterosexual domestic violence?violence?

Purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and Purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one’s partner. Routine intimidation is power over one’s partner. Routine intimidation is used to gain that power.used to gain that power.

The abused person feels isolated, afraid, and usually The abused person feels isolated, afraid, and usually convinced that they are at fault.convinced that they are at fault.

The incidence rate in victims of female same sex The incidence rate in victims of female same sex battering is approximately the same as the incidence battering is approximately the same as the incidence rate in victims of female heterosexual victimsrate in victims of female heterosexual victims

How is LGBT intimate partner How is LGBT intimate partner violence violence differentdifferent??

Some LGBT survivors know few or no other LGBT folks and leaving the abuser could mean isolation from LGBT community.

LGBT community may be small and everyone the survivor knows may soon know of the abuse.

Abuser can use children in relationship because if survivor leaves, she has no parental rights to kids If the kids are the survivors, the county may take

the kids away from the “violent, homosexual deviant”

How is LGBT intimate partner How is LGBT intimate partner violence violence differentdifferent??

More difficulty finding appropriate More difficulty finding appropriate supportsupport

Myth of mutual battering prevailsMyth of mutual battering prevails

Utilizing services such as legal system Utilizing services such as legal system is like “coming out”is like “coming out”

Hard to find LGBT sympathetic friends Hard to find LGBT sympathetic friends since community may not be eager to since community may not be eager to “air dirty laundry”“air dirty laundry”

Part Two:Part Two:The Concept of “Help”The Concept of “Help”

Concept of Help: DynamicsConcept of Help: Dynamics People from a People from a dominantdominant (heterosexual) (heterosexual) culture, tend to assume that if they were a culture, tend to assume that if they were a victim, they would have an automatic right to victim, they would have an automatic right to help. help.

But if you are a person from a But if you are a person from a subdominantsubdominant (LGBT) culture, you may not have experienced (LGBT) culture, you may not have experienced agencies as helpful in the past, so you may not agencies as helpful in the past, so you may not believe that help is available to you and you may believe that help is available to you and you may not seek out help.not seek out help.

Concept of Help: Service Concept of Help: Service ProvidersProviders

Agency assurances that services Agency assurances that services are for everyone may not mean are for everyone may not mean much to a LGBT person.much to a LGBT person. LGBT people historically have been LGBT people historically have been

offered “help” to become “normal”, offered “help” to become “normal”, so they may automatically be so they may automatically be suspicious of “help” from any suspicious of “help” from any institutional representativeinstitutional representative

Concept of Help: BatterersConcept of Help: Batterers

LGBT victim/survivor may also view “help” LGBT victim/survivor may also view “help” as involving incriminating the batterer and as involving incriminating the batterer and LGBT folks may be less likely to do this since LGBT folks may be less likely to do this since it means “airing dirty laundry” and further it means “airing dirty laundry” and further marginalizing an oppressed community marginalizing an oppressed community member.member.

Also, research suggests that some LGBT Also, research suggests that some LGBT prefer to have batterers get help (rather prefer to have batterers get help (rather than be ostracized) so that they do not go than be ostracized) so that they do not go back into LGBT community and re-offend.back into LGBT community and re-offend.

Concept of Help: PoliceConcept of Help: Police

LGBT victim may not want to involve police LGBT victim may not want to involve police Deep-rooted fear of police as homophobic Deep-rooted fear of police not knowing who

the batterer is and not being believed Deep-rooted fear of police minimizing

intimate partner violence to problems between “two friends”

Concern if LGBT intimate partner violence falls under legal definition of “domestic violence”

Concept of Help: Safety Concept of Help: Safety

For LGBT victims, “safety” is more than For LGBT victims, “safety” is more than shelter or protection orders or safety plansshelter or protection orders or safety plans

Focus groups suggest that those “safety” Focus groups suggest that those “safety” measures rate lower than measures rate lower than the ability tothe ability to feel safe to be oneselffeel safe to be oneself.. To feel believedTo feel believed To feel unafraid of homophobic, heterosexist To feel unafraid of homophobic, heterosexist

responses and attitudes of service providersresponses and attitudes of service providers

What can you do?What can you do?

What Can You Do?What Can You Do?

Examine dynamics of own relationshipExamine dynamics of own relationship If helping a friend, allow friend to tell If helping a friend, allow friend to tell

her/his story without being judgmentalher/his story without being judgmental Believe your friendBelieve your friend Be sensitive to your friend’s feelings—Be sensitive to your friend’s feelings—

even if friend wants to stay with abusereven if friend wants to stay with abuser Inform friend of available resources—e.g. Inform friend of available resources—e.g.

can call hotline to develop safety plancan call hotline to develop safety plan Allow friend to make own decisions Allow friend to make own decisions Be patientBe patient

ResourcesResources

YWCA’s Battered Women’s Shelter and Rape YWCA’s Battered Women’s Shelter and Rape Crisis & Abuse Center PROTECT HotlineCrisis & Abuse Center PROTECT Hotline 888-872-9259888-872-9259 TTY: 513-977-5545TTY: 513-977-5545

Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project (national 24 hotline)(national 24 hotline) 800-832-1901800-832-1901

Women’s Crisis Center (Northern Kentucky)Women’s Crisis Center (Northern Kentucky) 800-928-3335800-928-3335 TDD: 859-655-2657TDD: 859-655-2657