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Larter’s Tache Issue 1
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HE’S BACK!
Ross Campbell welcomes Gary Fraser back from Mordor loan spell
If 6 Was 9: Erchie and Deek cover Jimi Hendrix
The unofficial Montrose Football Club fanzine
www.larterstache.co.uk
Page 2 Larter’s Tache Issue 1
Hello!Welcome to this historic first issue of Larter’s Tache, the irreverent, irresponsible, immature, idiotic and utterly essential unofficial Montrose FC fanzine.
This is the place for fans of Montrose Football Club to enjoy puerile banter, shite jokes, heartfelt laments and anything else associated with the club and football in general.
Larter’s Tache is 100% unoffficial, and is not associated with Montrose Football Club, Montrose FC Sup-porters’ Club, David Larter or his moustache in any way. The views expressed are those of the individual contributors, who may often contradict themselves, let alone anyone else.
If you would like more information visit www.larterstache.co.uk, or email [email protected]. To submit articles, photos, crayon drawings of Sean Dillon or anything else, email [email protected].
You can also find us on Twitter: @larterstacheMon The Mo!
The Missing LinkTHREE months into the new season in Serie Z4, and the outlook for folk of a Links Park persua-sion is cautiously optimistic.The dark days of George Shields’ reign and Paul Hegarty’s second season at the helm are becom-ing a distant memory, and tankings from Hibs, Ross County, the Smokie Bastards and Elgin aside, we’ve not had much to complain about in 2017-18.True, we score almost as rarely as the Pope, and relying on Gary Fraser and Chris Templeman for goals may not be the best way to fix that. Some sections of the Dynamo faithful were in celebra-tory mood when the Lochee Limper was packed off to The Smokie Bastards, but he looked much sharper when he reappeared to bag a goal against University of Stirling.While it’s rumoured that some vocal sections of the fanbase were “gutted” to see Fraser back at the Basinside Bernabeu, if he does the business on the brillo pad, all may be forgiven.The strikers aside, we look a much faster, more positive side under SP than we did under He-garty. Bringing Cammy Salgado back to play
on the opposite wing to Steevsinho Carlos is a masterstroke, and with Craig Johnston, Connor McLaren and Liam Callaghan chipping in with goals and assists from the middle of the park, we can but dream...
Gary Fraser and his number one fan, Cheesy, who was “gutted” when the striker left for
Arbroath.
Issue 1 Larter’s Tache Page 3
Crimewatch
They’re the sons of Scottish football’s well-kent bunnet-wearer Dick Campbell, best-known to Montrose FC fans as the club’s assistant manager/striker and defender/free kick specialist.
But away from Links Park, Ross and Iain Campbell spend their time solving crimes around Angus. Here the brothers are pictured at Montrose harbour, investigating the recent disappearance of the statue of Bamse the
heroic Norwegian dog.
FixturesNovember 11: Annan Agricultural (H)November 18: Queens Of The Stone Age (H)November 25: The Toffeemakers (A)December 2: Barry Ferguson’s Clyde (A)December 9: The Englishmen (H)December 16: Helgin City (A)December 23: Staring Albinos (A)December 30: The Fishy Jailers (H)January 2: The Stock Car Racers (A)
Melt of the month
A bad day at the office for Yano Campbell on October 7 - Queens Of The Stone Age’s late equaliser took the cup tie to extra time, then two further goals dumped Montrose out of the cup. Hot-footing it to to Glasgow to catch the first of two flights to Slovenia for the Scot-land match, the fullback didn’t realise until he was in Arbroath that he’d managed to leave his passport in
the Links Park dressing room.
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The Links Park Urban Dictionary
Volume IThe quintessential verbal diarrhoea column for discerning hecklers, by G. Obshite
Banks O’ Dee weather: Freak meteorological event in which one gets utterly fucking soaked.
Doing a Stranraer: Throwing a two-goal lead down the shitter from a seemingly insurmountable position.
Ginger poodle twat: 1. An irritating dog. 2. Simon Murray.
Hammer-throwing bastard: 1. Man of considerable bulk lobbing weights at Highland games ceremonies. 2. Defender of significant height, usually found playing for Heeland pish.
Heeland pish: Elgin City.
Kraftwerk back line: Four defenders in a row doing fuck all.
Nice conversion ya cunt: Compliment paid to an opposing striker whose effort on goal sails several hun-dred feet over said goal. (See also: Why aren’t you playing rugby, Cuntybollocks?).
Panic nips: Hurried consumption of high ABV fluid with less than five minutes to kick off.
Pints are aff: Declaration of abandoning consumption of all ABV fluid post-match. Often occurs after doing a Stranraer.
Resiiiiiiign Bremner: A verbal request to fuck off.
The Windtunnel: Broadwood Stadium
Toilet Duck: 1. Household cleaning product for covering up bum-potato odours. 2. Lee Hoolickan.
Classified AdvertsBuy and sell all your shite that even Steptoe’s Yard won’t touch
Lost property: Passport found in Links Park dress-ing room, had London and Slovenia tickets inside. Please email [email protected] to claim.
Band member required: Are you good on the bon-gos? Skilled player required for live dates and con-cept album. Must be a K-Pop-influenced Mod. Email demo recordings to [email protected].
New in bookstores: Jim Weir’s Guide To Angus. Hear the true story of one man’s ambition to become the first person ever to be sacked by all four Angus football clubs.
Striker required: Ambitious League 2 football club seeks goalscorer for fun times, maybe more. Simon Murray and David Cox need not apply. Send pho-tograph and stats to [email protected].
Now available on CD and vinyl! Hamish’s Song-book. Featuring all the classics: “I Could Do Your Job Better, Petrie”, “Montrose, Montrose, Montrose”, and “Can I Have A Lift Home?”
