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J.R.S.
City Street, Philidelphia - Day
JOHN SMITH, 25, walks purposefully down the street. He is a young law student interning with a law firm, dressed in a smart suit and tie. He carries an official-looking leather briefcase monogrammed with the initials “J.R.S”. The only thing that spoils the “young professional” image is the fact that he has headphones in his ears. After a moment, he walks by the bench on which JERICHO STEPHENSON, 26, is sitting. Jericho is somehow loud without even talking--hair in need of a trim, brightly colored clothing, bright orange backpack. He watches John walk by and catches sight of his briefcase. He hops off the bench and starts to follow
John, although John does not notice.
Jerichohey! J.r.S.!
John does not hear him.
JerichoJ.r.S.! heyheyheyhey!
He lunges forward and latches onto John’s headphones, yanking them out of his ears. John yelps and spins around.
AutumnmcGArr
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Johnow! hey, what the--
Jericho stands behind him, clutching his headphones in one hand and grinning crazily.
JerichoYanno, on your briefcase. J.r.S.
JohnWhat the hell? Let go.
JerichoWhat’s the J.r.S. stand for?
Johnokay, seriously? Who are you, even?
JerichoYour initials?
John, baffled, is startled into answering.
JohnWhat? Yeah, it’s--will you--will you just let go? i’m sort of
attached to those, okay?
Jericho does not seem to hear him.
Jerichono shit?
He crosses his arms, inadvertently pulling John closer.
Jerichono shit, what’s it stand for?
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JohnJohn--ow!--Smith! Just--let--who the hell--
Jericho suddenly lets go. John staggers back while Jericho stares at him suspiciously.
JerichoBull-shit. What are you, like, an example name on an order form? nobody actually names their offspring “John” with the
last name “Smith”.
John(indignant)
Well, sorry mine did.
He starts to walk off, but Jericho follows him down the streets.
JerichoYou don’t have to be an asshole about it. i’m just asking your
name, not your social.
Johni’m not. John Smith. no lie.
JerichoSo, what, is your phone number 123-4567 or something?
Johnno! My name’s John Smith! it’s John fucking Smith!
JerichoLive on 123 Main Street, John fucking Smith?
John stops short and whips around. He’s had it.
JohnJohn reuben Smith!
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Beat. Jericho squints at him bemusedly.
JerichoYour middle name’s a sandwich.
JohnYou’re a sandwich!
In the awkward silence that follows, Jericho slings his backpack off of his shoulders to show John the front. “J.R.S.” is monogrammed on it.
Jerichoit’s, you know, mine too. J.r.S. That’s all.
They start to walk off in the same direction, a little ways apart. John has regained some sense of civility by this point.
John(trying his damnedest to be polite)
J.r.S.?
JerichoJericho Stephenson. Uh, Jericho rainer Stephenson.
John(raises one eyebrow)...Jericho? really?
JerichoAt least you can find me in the phone book.
John smiles stiffly and starts walking faster in a polite effort to shake Jericho off. Jericho does not take the hint.
JerichoSo. What’s with the suit?
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JohnWork.
JerichoYeah? You, like, a lawyer or something?
JohnYes. (pause, then as an admission) An intern.
JerichoLike, a “go here, go there, fax this and make me coffee, bitch”
intern?
John(stiffly)Yes.
Jerichoi was an intern once. For a phone company. (frowns, thinking) or, no. it was an insurance company. no. i don’t know. it was
a company. it sucked.
Johni’m sorry to hear that.
JerichoSo, like, what, after a year or two of being the manager’s bitch
you get to be a lawyer?
Johnno, i--
Jerichocriminal lawyer, at least?
JohnWhat? no.
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JerichoWhy not?
John(as curtly as possible, trying to make Jericho leave)
civil litigation.
Jericho(raises one eyebrow, unimpressed)
Litigation.
JohnYes. Litigation.
JerichoSo when’s the last time you’ve seen a hit TV series about
litigation lawyers?
John doesn’t reply. He starts walking faster.
JerichoYeah, i can see it now. (dramatic gesture) Law and order: civil
Litigation. Sounds riveting.
A pause that is uncomfortable for all involved except Jericho.
JerichoSo, anyway. You from around here?
Johnno.
JerichoWhere, then?
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John(evasively)
i’m, uh, in town for a conference.
JerichoYeah? Lawyer conference? Litigation?
JohnAsbestos.
JerichoAsbestos? Like, uh, meso-- whatever?
JohnYeah.
John stops short in front of a nice hotel.
JohnWell, this is my stop.
Jericho looks up at the hotel, squinting against the sun.
Jerichoritzy.
JohnWell, it was nice meeting you, uh, Jericho.
Jerichooh yeah.
Jericho remains, still grinning. John obviously expected him to keep walking. He is perplexed and a little concerned.
JohnWell, uh. i’m gonna go.
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JerichoAlright. have fun with the asbestos.
JohnYou betcha.
JerichoAlright.
JohnYeah...
With one last concerned glance at Jericho, John enters the hotel. Behind him, Jericho waves cheerily.
Cut to:Int. Hotel - Day
John is standing in front of the reception desk, where the RECEPTIONIST, a painfully cheery young woman, smiles patiently at
him. John is obviously exasperated.
Johncan you, i don’t know, can you look again?
recepTioniSTJohn r. Smith?
John(desperately)
Yes. You could, you know, check for John Smith without the “r”.
The receptionist types on her computer for a moment, scanning for the name. Her smile never leaves her face.
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recepTioniSTi’m sorry, sir, but we don’t seem to have your reservation.
could it possibly be under another name?
John(voice rising)
no, it’s John Smith. or John r. Smith. or whatever. check again. i made-- (lowers his voice) i made the reservation
months ago. in January. everywhere else is full.
recepTioniST(still smiling)
i’m sorry, sir.
Johncan i book a room or something? Do you have anything?
recepTioniSTi’m sorry, sir we don’t have any rooms available.
Johnnothing?
recepTioniSTi’m sorry.
Johncould i like, pay more for a room or something and you just
(whispers) tell someone else you lost their reservation?
recepTioniSTi’m sorry.
Johnplease? i’ll, i’ll pay-- (fumbles for his wallet)
recepTioniSTi’m sorry, sir.
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John(furiously sarcastic)
You’re sor-- you’re sorry. Alright. Well, as long as you’re sorry. That’s, that’s just fine. That’s great. I’ll just go sleep on a PARK Bench with the knowledge that you’re sorry to give me comfort when i freeze to death and get cannibalized by a gang
of starving meth-heads.
recepTioniST(does not compute)
...Sir?
John storms out the door. The receptionist smiles after him in a puzzled sort of way.
Cut to:Ext. Hotel - Day
John sits on a bench outside, head in hands. Suddenly, we hear an OS male voice.
Jericho(O.S.)
hey, reuben.
John looks up and we see Jericho. John looks like he wants to die.
Johnoh. hi. Again.
Jerichohow’s the hotel? Fancy?
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John groans and lets his head fall back onto his hands.
JerichoThat bad? So, what is it, scratchy towels? Dirty sheets?
Johnokay, i’m sorry, but where did you even come from? have you
just been out here the whole time?
Jericho makes a bizarre face.
JerichoWhat? no. What, you think i’m following you? i’ve been...
around. i live nearby.
Johnoh.
JerichoYep.
JohnSorry, but i’m kind of having a rough time here, can you just,
like, not?
Jerichonot...?
JohnBe... here. okay?
JerichoYou’re a bona fide asshole, you know that? I ask your name, you get all pissy. i decide to be friendly upon passing you again--by chance, I might add--and you flat out tell me to go away.
i’m beginning to feel like i’m not wanted.
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John(losing it, but trying to keep his voice down to keep from attracting
attention)Well you’re not, alright? i’ve had a really, really bad day and you
are really, really not helping.
JerichoJe-sus, who pissed in your cornflakes?
John(here comes the explosion...)
The fucking hotel! In my cornflakes and in my drink and all over the table and my pants! i made my goddamn reservation months ago. over the phone. They thanked me. They assured me my room would be waiting. non-smoking! With continental
breakfast included!
JerichoLike with the little muffins and shit?
JohnYeah!
Jerichonice.
JohnAnd then i get here and they suddenly forget i exist! i even called last week to make sure it was set in stone! They couldn’t even be bothered to check the fucking register again! She just smiles and looks at me like i’m crazy! So now i’m at a fucking asbestos convention--and, and who really gives a shit about
asbestos, anyway?--with nowhere to sleep!
A beat. Jericho reaches over and pats John’s shoulder sympathetically.
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JerichoSucks.
John(a weak, bitter laugh; exhausted)
Yeah. Sucks.
JerichoYep. (beat) So where are you gonna stay?
Johni have no idea. i’ll probably end up sleeping in the park and getting assaulted by some schizo vagrant meth-head and left to
die on the side of the road somewhere.
Jericho(thoughtfully)
Well... i live just over on the next block.
He looks at John expectantly, but John is too absorbed in his own angst.
JerichoYou know, in an apartment.
No answer.
JerichoWith a roof. And walls. And locks on the doors.
John looks up and looks Jericho up and down. He obviously doesn’t like the idea.
John(evasively)
no, i really couldn’t--
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JerichoAnd sleeping on my crappy sofa would be at least a little bit better than, you know, hobo-sodomy. i mean, that’s my opinion, anyway. hell, if that’s your thang, then far be it from me to convince you otherwise. But, you know, offer’s on the table.
JohnSo, what, you’re just going to invite a complete stranger into your house? Some random guy on the street you just met like
fifteen minutes ago?
Jericho thinks this over.
JerichoYes.
John looks at Jericho incredulously.
JohnYou are seriously lacking in the self-preservation skills
department.
JerichoSays the guy who was about to get comfy on a park bench for the night. Trust me, i’ve had weirder people under my roof.
Johni don’t doubt it.
JerichoWell?
JohnWell, uh... i, uh... (sighs reluctantly; he really doesn’t want to) You’re
sure you’re alright with it?
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JerichoAbsolutely not. i just offered so i could yank the proverbial
rug out from under your feet when you accepted.
JohnWhat?
JerichoYes. I’m kidding. It’s totally fine.
Johnoh. okay. (beat) Thanks?
JerichoAnytime. (he hoists John’s suitcase over his shoulder) Well, let’s go.
JohnUh, that’s mine...
Jerichoonward!
Jericho marches off down the sidewalk, and after a moment, John jogs after him.
Cut to:Int. Apartment Building - Day
John and Jericho are halfway up the stairs to Jericho’s apartment. The interior of the building pushes the limits of what can be considered structurally sound. There are a lot of stairs. Lots and lots of stairs. So many stairs that it boggles the mind. John is about to die of cardiac arrest.
Jericho seems to be having slightly less trouble.
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John(panting)
i have never seen so many stairs in my life.
Jerichoit’s cardio. Good for you.
Johncardio, yeah. it’s a metric shit-ton of stairs.
Jericho turns around to look at John very seriously.
Jerichoi believe in you.
He continues upward. John groans.
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s Apartment - Day
WE SEE the inside of Jericho’s one-room apartment. It is complete chaos--clothing and debris are strewn everywhere and the paint is peeling off of the walls. The door opens to admit John and Jericho, with John
gasping for breath.
Jericho(calling to no one)
Luuuucyyyy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!
John all but collapses on the floor, leaning against the wall for support.
Johni’m beginning to think i would have been better off out--
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He is interrupted by the sound of a cellphone ringing from his pants pocket. He pulls out his phone, looks at the number, then answers it.
John(still out of breath)
John Smith. ...Yes, it was just fine, thank you. ...Yes. ...Yes, that’s fine. ...What? Uh. No. No, I’m okay. I’m sure. Goodbye.
Jericho looks at him as he flips the phone closed.
Johnhe sounded a little concerned.
Jerichoi can imagine you’d sound a little suspicious over the phone
right now.
John gives him a look, then glances around the apartment. From HIS POV, we see a view of the apartment in all its glory--mess, ugly floral sofa, unmade bed, and TV. Many colors, much junk. Just screams “Jericho.”
JohnSo, um. This is where you live?
Jerichoprobably.
Johnit’s, um. Well, it’s... very special.
Jericho(dryly)
Your gratitude is overwhelming.
JohnCan you even find your bed under all this?
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JerichoDon’t you have an asbestos party to go to?
Johnin an hour, yeah.
Jerichoi’ll give you the tour, then, i guess.
He gingerly picks his way through the cluttered room toward the bed on the far wall, then points at it very seriously.
JerichoThis... is the bed. i think it’s older than the both of us put
together. A chiropractor’s wet dream.
He walks over to a tiny kitchenette complete with microwave, fridge, and crockpot.
JerichoThis is where food happens. More or less.
He walks over to the sofa.
JerichoThis is the sofa. it’s very ugly and i have come to terms with
that.
He points to a door on the opposite wall.
Jerichoin there is a toilet and a shower that only has hot water when you flush the toilet. As you may well imagine, my morning routine is like running suicides between the toilet and the shower. (beat) Well, that’s the tour. is that too much? Think
you’ll be able to find your way around?
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John just looks vaguely perplexed.
Johni think... i need to go get something to eat. or something.
Yeah. i’ll see you later.
With a backward, wary glance at the apartment, he finds his way through the mess and out the door. Jericho waves after him..
Cut to:Int. Conference Room - Evening
There are already several LAWYERS seated around a large conference table. All are exceedingly important-looking. John enters quietly and somewhat apologetically. MICHAEL SANDERS, an important-
looking man in his late 40s, looks up as John enters.
SAnDerSThere you are, Smith. i was wondering where you’d gone.
JohnSorry, I was having some difficulties with the hotel.
SAnDerSSorry to hear that. i had a time of it getting a baggage trolley,
myself. You look a bit... tousled.
JohnYeah. Lots of... stairs.
SAnDerSDon’t they have an elevator?
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Johnoh, you know. i like to stay in shape.
SAnDerSDo us a favor and bring some coffee, would you, Smith? We’ll
be starting soon.
A few of the lawyers pipe up.
LAWYer 1Me too, John.
LAWYer 2if you’re on your way anyway...
LAWYer 3Decaf.
LAWYer 1on second thought, just a glass of water, if that’s alright.
LAWYer 2Decaf for me, too.
John(weakly)
cream and sugar?
SAnDerScream, no sugar. oh, and get some for Maria and Lawrence as well. And decaf for me, if you would. caffeine doesn’t agree
with me. hurry up, though, we’re about to start.
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Cut to:Int. Conference Hall Kitchenette - Evening
John is trying to somehow carry six cups of coffee and be quick about it to boot. He tries to shift them to one arm, tries balancing some on his forearms, clutching them to his chest, etc. Eventually he settles on a precarious balancing arrangement and tries to hurry to the door, but ends up upsetting the cups and spilling the coffee all over himself and the floor.
He just stares at them forlornly.
Cut to:Int. Conference Room - Evening
The conference is now under way. A man blathers on at the head of the room, pointing at graphs, etc. on a projector screen. John sits at the table as well, covered in coffee. No one seems to notice. John is obviously trying hard to pay attention, but his eyelids keep slipping down before he jerks awake.
Cut to:Int. Apartment Building - Night
John is staggering up the endless staircase, still covered in coffee. He pauses a moment to catch his breath, then continues upward.
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s Apartment - Night
John pauses outside of the door for a moment. From inside the apartment, we can the hear laughter and talking of what sounds like a party. After a moment’s hesitation, John reluctantly opens the door. Inside, the apartment is practically crawling with all manner of strange PEOPLE--a scene of
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utter chaos. Jericho is right in the center of it all, clearly not entirely sober and obviously having the time of his life. John stares at the scene for a moment, dumbfounded. Jericho looks up and hails John enthusiastically.
Jerichoheyyy, what’s the story, morning glory?
Several of the other partygoers look up as well. A few--all exceedingly bizarre-looking individuals--jump up to usher John inside. This group includes MARK, 20-something, RAINBOW, a 30-something flower child, and ELLIE, a 20-something woman with rather impressive liberty
spikes.
MARKYeah, whassup, morning glory?
rAinBoWcome in an’ stay for a while! i thought you were, like, a G-man
or something out there. You got that suit, man.
eLLie(plastered)
You smell like coffee. oh my God. i love coffee. (very seriously) We should be friends. Like, really really friends. We’ll seriously, like, do lunch, no fucking joke. We’ll do, we’ll do the shit out
of that lunch.
They push John onto the sofa next to Jericho, who throws a companionable arm around his shoulder. Ellie plants herself on John’s lap, staring
intensely into his face, her nose barely a millimeter from his.
JerichoSo, how’s the asbestos, buddy? is there still enough to go
‘round and keep you guys busy?
eLLieThat lunch will have our babies.
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John tries to press himself further back into the couch cushions to avoid Ellie.
Johnit’s, um... it’s, yeah. Asbestos. Um, can you...?
eLLieBabies. You, me. Lunch. Babies. We will lunch on babies.
JohnB-babies, alright. Um. Yeah. can you, uh, maybe...
Rainbow squeezes herself into the already full sofa. She also loops an arm around John’s shoulders.
rAinBoWi’m rainbow Flowers March in the Desert of the night. (pause) My worldly name was Mary. But I’ve risen above it. I’m flying
like a motherfucking eagle, compadre.
She’s wearing a tank top, and John stares in mute horror at her unshaven armpits as she talks. Ellie takes the opportunity to bury her nose in John’s
hair.
eLLie(moaning deliriously)
You smell like coffeeeeeee.
Jerichoi think she likes you.
John tries to bury himself further back into the couch.
John(his voice is a squeak)
oh. oh, good.
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MARKellie’s a good catch, man.
JerichoDude, Mark, you met her like an hour ago.
MARKi just really felt a connection, right? it was like electric. can’t
even feel my face anymore.
rAinBoWit’s fate. Like, foreordained by gods and old guys with beards
who throw rocks.
MARK(to Ellie)
i want to marry you and tie cans to a car bumper at the wedding.
Jericho doesn’t notice John’s obvious distress in the slightest.
Jerichohow’s the litigation then, huh? The manager use you as a
footstool or a coat rack?
eLLieSeriously, smell him. he smells so pretty.
All do so. John is on the verge of a panic attack.
JerichoShit, man, you do smell like coffee. (he notices the spill) You look
like coffee, too. What’d you do?
eLLiei want to eat his hair.
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Johnit’s just a spill!
He struggles to extricate himself from Ellie, who clings to him.
eLLieDon’t leave me! have my babies, coffee boy!
MARKi’ll have your babies, ellie.
JerichoSo, is this better company than the lawyers or what?
JohnYour, um, your friends?
JerichoYeah, absolutely! We’re all-- (frowns at a GUY in a pizza delivery hat who is being mobbed by rowdy partygoers) Well, mostly good
friends. i’m not sure who you are.
GUYi delivered the pizza.
Jerichoright! God, it’s good to see you, man. how’ve you been?
GUYcan i go now? ...please?
Jericho ignores him and looks suddenly at John.
JerichoThat’ll stain, you know. on your shirt, i mean.
Johncan i please--? i just need to-- please--
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JerichoYou need to bleach that, i think. i got some bleach. i can pour
some bleach on you if you can sit still for a sec.
John shoots to his feet, unceremoniously dumping Ellie onto the ground. He stares around in thinly-veiled terror at the faces around him.
Johni’ve gotta go! i have... (flails) Lawyer things. With asbestos. i
have to go do lawyer things with asbestos!
He flees the room at a near sprint, slamming the door behind him.
Cut to:Int. Hallway - Night
John, having just fled the party, collapses against a wall just outside Jericho’s door. He slides to the ground in sheer exhaustion, listening as the party noise continues uninterrupted. He looks at his watch. One AM. Looks at the door. Back to the watch. He groans and rests his forehead
on his knees.
Cut to:Int. Hallway - Morning
John is asleep, still in the hallway, still in his coffee-stained suit. He fell over sometime during the night and is huddled in a pathetic heap against the wall. We hear a door open, a pause, and then close. John turns over, mumbling something incoherent. We hear the door open and close again.
Jericho’s hand reaches out to poke John awake.
Jerichopssst. hey. reuben.
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John does not respond at first.
Jerichoheyyyyyy. Wake up.
John sits bolt upright, startled.John
Wha’? Where? Uhh...
He turns and sees Jericho, who is crouching beside him and staring at him. John shuffles back a bit.
JohnUm. hi.
Jericho holds out a pita.
Jerichoi’m not sure what lawyers eat, so i got you this thing. it’s got
hummus. Roasted red pepper flavor.
He tries to tempt John with the pita. John is just confused.
JerichoAnd, um, onions.
He waves the pita in front of John’s face.
Jerichooooooniooooons.
John, at a loss, takes the pita. He looks at it suspiciously. Jericho beams expectantly at him. Finally, he takes a bite.
JerichoYeah? That what lawyers eat, then? healthy, right? or do you
need caviar?
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Johnno, it’s, um, yeah. Thanks.
JerichoSo, what, did you get locked out on your way back from your
“lawyer things with asbestos”?
John shifts uncomfortably.
JohnUm. Yeah. Lawyer... things. (pause, then panic) Lawyer things?
oh, christ. What time is it?
Jericho looks at his wrist, realizes there’s no watch, and frowns. He digs around in his pockets, obviously does not find what he’s looking for. He
stands up, walks back into the apartment, then back out.
JerichoThe Mr. coffee says 9:42, but the microwave says 10:04. i don’t
know what that’s all about.
John shoots to his feet.
Johnholy shit!
He runs into the apartment. Jericho follows him bemusedly.
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s Appartment - Morning
John is frantically running around and collecting the contents of his briefcase, which were strewn around the room at some point the night
before.
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Jerichoif it makes you feel any better, the stove says 8:30. Just tell
them you’re on stove time.
JohnWhere’s my badge iD?
JerichoMe, i live my life on microwave time.
John more or less gathers everything haphazardly into his briefcase. He runs out the door, still wearing the same clothes from last night. Jericho waves amiably. After a moment, however, John runs back in the door, to
his suitcase, and grabs a new shirt. He then runs back out.
JerichoThank you, come again
Cut to:Int. Conference Hall Kitchenette - Morning
John, out of breath, is busy changing shirts before the meeting. He places the new shirt on the counter next to the coffee maker and finishes unbuttoning his coffee-stained shirt from the night before. He picks up the new shirt and buttons it up. When he looks down, however, he realizes in
horror that this shirt now sports fresh coffee stains as well.
JohnWhat the--
He looks at the counter and sees that it is covered in coffee from a previous spill.
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Cut to:Int. Conference Room - Morning
John has barely set foot in the conference room when Sanders waves a travel mug in his direction without even looking up from the papers he is
reviewing.SAnDerS
Mind getting us a refill, there, Smith? Decaf.
John takes the mug and simply backs out the door.
Cut to:Int. Fast-Food Restaurant - Day
John is having lunch by himself in a sketchy fast-food restaurant. He stares blankly off into space. He is still covered in coffee. Suddenly we hear a knock on the window next to the booth. John turns, and we see
Jericho outside, grinning.
Jericho(muffled by the window)
hey!
John groans and lets his head sink into his hands.
Cut to:Int. Fast-Food Restaurant - Day
Jericho is now seated at the booth with John, drinking a milkshake. John is reviewing papers and typing on his laptop, trying his hardest to ignore
Jericho.
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JerichoSo yeah, i don’t usually eat here, just walk by most days, but i was just walking by and i’m like, whaaaat? reuben’s in there
having a sandwich.
JohnYeah?
Jerichoi sort of wonder if that legally constitutes cannibalism.
A pause. John types. Jericho drinks his milkshake and watches John unabashedly. He reaches over and grabs the pen lying on top of a stack of
papers. He then starts to flip the pen between his fingers.
JerichoMore lawyer stuff?
JohnUh-huh.
Jerichocool.
Another pause. Jericho continues flipping the pen.
Jerichocan i have your fries?
John(not paying attention)
Uh-huh.
Jerichocool.
Jericho swipes John’s fries, still flipping the pen with one hand.
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Jericho(nodding at John’s shirt)
More coffee?
JohnUh-huh.
JerichoSo how was your meeting?
JohnUh-huh.
JerichoHow many fingers am I holding up?
JohnUh-huh.
Jerichoi’m pregnant.
JohnUh-huh.
Jerichoit’s yours.
JohnUh-huh. Wait, what?
Jerichoi’m starting to feel a little neglected.
John(goes back to typing)Sorry to hear that.
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Jericho accidentally drops the pen.
JerichoShit.
He picks up the pen and resumes flipping it. John looks up and watches him for a moment, annoyed.
Johncan you cut that out, please?
JerichoWhat?
JohnThat... (waves hands vaguely) ...pen thing.
JerichoWhy?
JohnI don’t want you flinging it at my head.
JerichoAhh, don’t worry about it. I’m a pen-flipping expert. No joke.
JohnYou dropped it a second ago.
JerichoYou’re imagining things, dear.
John tries to work, but is distracted by the pen.
Johnhow do you do that, anyway?
JerichoWhat, this?
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JohnYeah.
JerichoLike this.
JohnYeah, i can see that, but--
JerichoYou wanna try?
Johnnot really.
Jerichono, no, come on. here.
He grabs another pen from John’s workspace and pushes it into John’s hands.
JerichoAlright. So, go like this.
He attempts to slowly demonstrate his pen-flipping technique. John shakes his head.
JohnThis is stupid. i’ve got things to take care of.
John starts to get up, but Jericho lunges across the table and pushes him back into his seat. He then attempts his demonstration again while John
stares at him.
Jerichonononono, look. come on. Just like this... then over like this...
Do it, come on.
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John watches, then, as it is obvious Jericho won’t let him leave, clumsily attempts to mimic Jericho’s movements.
JerichoWell, that’s... almost right. More like this.
Repeat of the demonstration.
JohnThis...? (drops the pen) oh, shit.
JerichoNo, your fingers keep getting all tangled up or whatever. Do it
more slowly.
They sit there, just flipping pens (or, in John’s case, trying and failing to flip pens) in silence, punctuated occasionally by John swearing as he drops it.
Cut to:Int. Conference Room - Evening
A meeting is under way. The room is dark, and a MAN is pointing at graphs and statistics on an overhead projector at the front of the room. John is trying and failing to pay attention. He looks down at the papers in front of him, then his eyes stray to the pen sitting next to them. He looks quickly back up at the projector. Then, slowly, back down at the pen. Casting a surreptitious glance around him, John picks up the pen and, after a brief pause, starts to flip it between his fingers. He half-watches the projector as he continues to flip the pen, having obviously gotten better at it during his time in the restaurant. He is pleased with himself. The man at the front of the room continues, and nobody notices until suddenly the pen flies from John’s grasp and across the table, skidding to a halt in front of Sanders, who is at the head of the table. Every face in the room swivels in his direction, and poor John is met with twenty-odd disapproving scowls.
57
SAnDerSeverything alright down there, Smith?
John clears his throat and folds his hands quietly on the table in front of him.
JohnUh, yes. Yes, sir. Just, um. Just dropped it.
John tries to shrink back into his chair. Slowly, all of the lawyers turn back towards the projector screen as the presentation continues. John
continues to stare at his hands.
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s Bathroom - Morning
Jericho is sitting on the back of the toilet in the tiny bathroom, reading a vintage National Geographic. We hear the shower running.
John(from inside the shower)
cold.
Jericho, without looking up from his magazine, flushes the toilet.
JohnThanks.
JerichoDid you know that a group of kangaroos is called a “mob”?
JohnGood to know.
58
Jericho nods at the magazine, impressed. He tears out the page, folds it up, and sticks it in his shirt pocket.
Johncold.
Jericho flushes the toilet again.
JohnStill cold.
And again.
JohnAre you out of hot water, or what?
Again.
JohnSeriously, it’s still--ohhhh, God! Too hot! hot!
We hear muffled cursing from inside the shower as John thrashes around in an attempt to get away from the hot water. Finally, he falls out, tearing the shower curtain down with him. Jericho does not look up. He simply
licks his finger and daintily turns a page.
JohnShit!
JerichoYou know, if you shaved a tiger, it’d still have stripes.
59
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s Apartment - Morning
John is sitting on the sofa, working on his laptop and eating another pita with hummus. He sports a fresh bruise on his forehead. Jericho is watching
a home improvement show on TV. John is half-watching the TV.
Jerichoi seriously don’t know how they have the patience to actually
sit there with a screwdriver or whatever and build things.
Johnit’s called being a responsible homeowner.
Jerichohow is tearing out the whole front of your house responsible?
JohnThey had water damage.
JerichoSo?
JohnThe siding was falling off. The front of the roof was coming
down. it could’ve killed somebody.
JerichoBit of duct tape, some WD-40, you’re good to go. They’re just
making things complicated.
JohnWhy would you WD-40 a roof? You use duct tape for the stuff that isn’t supposed to move, and WD-40 for the stuff that is. if
your roof ’s moving, you’ve got problems.
60
Jerichohow would you know? You’re a lawyer.
JohnWell you’re a-- (pauses, frowns at Jericho) What are you, anyway?
JerichoA beluga whale.
Johnno, i mean, what do you do?
Jerichoi wake up. i get dressed. i get food. i watch TV. Sometimes i
like a drink or three.
Johnhar har. i meant what do you do for a living? i don’t think i’ve
seen you go to work. how do you even pay the rent?
Jerichoi move in mysterious ways, reuben.
Johnno, seriously.
JerichoYeah, seriously.
JohnSo, what, you just don’t do anything?
Jerichoi do plenty of stuff.
Johnhow do you keep from getting evicted?
61
JerichoGooooo with the flooooow.
Johni bet your parents are really proud.
JerichoThey’re dead.
An incredibly awkward silence.
Johnoh. i’m, uh, i’m really--
Jerichoi’m kidding.
JohnWhat?
JerichoThey’re not dead. They live in Atlanta.
John(relieved)
oh. oh, good. (irritated now) You’re a dick.
Jerichono, wait. They’re in Michigan. or... no. iowa. Yeah, i think
they’re in iowa. probably.
JohnYou don’t know where your own parents are?
Jericho(serenely)
We don’t talk much.
62
John...Ah.
JerichoMy mom calls once in a while, though.
John(uncomfortable)
Yeah?
JerichoYeah, whenever she can find a payphone.
Johnoh, so they just don’t have a phone? You’re not... estranged or
anything?
JerichoThey say the government can hear them through the phones
even when they’re off.
John...oh.
JerichoAnd my dad thinks TV is the anti-christ.
JohnWow, that’s...
Jericho(nodding at the TV)
They disapprove of my lifestyle, but hey, you know, i’ve been to hell and it’s a yurt in the Arizona desert.
JohnYour parents made you live in a yurt?
63
JerichoYep. Three and a half years of yurt-dom and roasted whatever-
happened-to-be-dead-that-day.
JohnSounds... lovely.
Jerichoon the bright side, i can skin small rodents with the best of
‘em.
JohnFantastic, i’ll keep that in mind if i’ve ever got a groundhog
that needs flaying.
Cut to:City Street - Day
John and Jericho are walking down the street. John is dressed for the convention. Jericho has his backpack.
JerichoLast day, huh?
JohnYeah. Finally.
Jerichoi dunno, i would’ve thought civil asbestos litigation would be
pretty heart-stopping.
JohnYou know it.
JerichoAre you leaving tomorrow, then?
64
JohnUh, yeah. My train’s at eight AM.
Jerichooh.
A silence. Jericho is obviously somewhat put-out. They come to an intersection.
JohnWell, uh, i turn off here. Where are you headed?
Jerichoi’ve gotta buy some stuff. (he fishes around in his pocket and pulls
out a shopping list) Milk... bagels... beer... pineapple.
Johnpineapple, huh?
Jericho(very seriously)
You never know when you’re just going to wake up and need a pineapple, reuben. Always have one on hand.
With that, Jericho turns and heads down another street. John stares after him for a moment, then goes his own way.
John(laughing to himself)
pineapple.
65
Cut to:Int. Conference Room - Day
Once again, John has barely set foot in the conference room when Sanders holds his mug out to him.
SAnDerSDecaf, Smith. cream, no sugar.
John’s jaw clenches, but he takes the mug and exits into the kitchen.
Cut to:Int. Conference Hall Kitchenette - Day
John has the mug at the counter as he stares at the two pots of coffee--one regular, one decaf. After a moment’s hesitation, instead of grabbing the orange-handled decaf pot, he grabs the regular and pours it into the mug. He then proceeds to skip on the cream and dump a generous amount of sugar into the coffee, as well. Without bothering to stir it, he slaps the lid
on it and marches back into the conference room.
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s Apartment - Evening
John and Jericho are sitting on the couch eating microwave dinners.
JerichoYou rebel, you.
JohnYeah, i know. i don’t think he even noticed, to be honest.
66
JerichoDowntrodden interns of the world, unite!
JohnShut up.
Jerichooh, by the way.
He leans over and grabs a plastic bag from beside the couch. He pulls out a pineapple and deposits it in John’s hands.
Jerichoi got you this.
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s Apartment - Evening
JERICHO and JOHN are sitting on the floor in front of the TV, watching Olympic men’s figure skating. Jericho is halfway dressed although inexplicably missing his pants, drinking a beer, eating Easy Mac, and focused intently on the TV, while John is shuffling vaguely through some
papers for work and typing on his laptop.
JerichoAww, looklooklook-- dawww, he missed it. if you’re not landing anything properly, then whose brainchild was it for you to try
the triple axel? Jesus.
JohnWhat, are you some kind of men’s figure skating expert, now?
Jericho(defensively)
Free-skating. Men’s free-skating.
67
JohnWhatever.
Jerichoeveryone’s allowed to yell shit at the TV and pretend they know what they’re talking about during the olympics. Get with the program, reuben. c’mon, put that shit down. We’re watching
men’s free-skating now.
Johni’ve gotta get this done.
Jerichono you don’t.
He pushes the papers out of John’s reach and flips the laptop closed. He nods at the TV.
JerichoWell?
JohnWell what? You’re lucky i saved that draft, asshole.
Jerichoit’s the olympics. Just pretend you know what you’re talking
about and shout at the TV.
JohnWhat? no.
JerichoDo it.
John(reaching for his laptop)
no.
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Jericho grabs John’s face and directs it toward the screen. He points at one of the skaters with his fork.
Jerichookay, look. See that guy? Yeah, the smug-looking russian?
JohnWhich one? The one in tights or the one in lederhosen?
JerichoThe one with the hair. And, and, you know, the foofy sleeves.
Johnoh, the one in the knickerbockers.
JerichoUh-huh. he’s up next. So. Look at him, and what do you think?
Johnhe looks like an asshole wearing knickerbockers.
Jerichoexactly. And what would you say to an asshole wearing knickerbockers if you could say anything to him without
repercussion?
John(dully, to the screen)
You look like an asshole wearing knickerbockers.
Jericho punches his arm.
Jerichono, stupid. i mean, like... here, just watch him. he’s starting.
They sit in silence for a moment, watching the screen.
69
Johnouch. That had to hurt.
Jerichoright! now just watch enough of it that you pick up some of the lingo or something so you can-- for chrissake, how do you
miss that? i could have made that.
JohnYeah, i’ll bet.
Jerichoit’s like he’s trying to break something. ooh, shaky on that
landing. he’s gonna lose points for that.
John slides Jericho a sideways glance that clearly says, “really?”
JohnSo, let’s take a step back and look at ourselves right now.
Jericho(he doesn’t look up)
What for?
JohnSo, where are you, Jericho?
JerichoWhat?
JohnYou’re, you’re sitting on the floor. Not wearing pants. Watching
men in tights. Figure skating.
Jericho(still riveted to the TV)
Free-skating.
70
Johni cannot even begin to describe to you how queer you look
right now.
JerichoShhh. They’re going to update the scores.
JohnJericho, you’re sitting on the floor in your boxers watching a bunch of the gayest-looking men i’ve ever seen dance around
on their toes.
JerichoWhat’s wrong with ‘em?
JohnThey’re wearing glitter eye-makeup.
JerichoYou’re just jealous because you never won any international
championships at age nineteen.
JohnAt least you can tell I’m a guy at first glance.
Jerichoi feel like this is one of those “compensating” moments.
JohnWha--? compen--
JerichoYep. one of those “hey, i drive a car the size of a bungalow and have enough guns for a private army, but in reality i’m just trying to cover up the fact that Mother nature handed me the
short end of the stick” moments.
71
JohnSo, so what, you’re saying i don’t like men’s ice-dancing--
Jericho--Free-skating--
John--WhATeVer--because i’m compensating for--
Jerichohey, hold up, keep your pants on. i don’t wanna know.
Johni’m not taking my pants off!
Jerichoi didn’t ask you to.
Johni’m leaving.
JerichoSit down before you give yourself an aneurysm.
John is practically foaming at the mouth, but he sits down in a huff and stares defiantly at the screen. Jericho pats his shoulder and offers him the
beer. John takes it.
JerichoAtta boy.
72
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s Apartment - Later that night
John and Jericho have gone through a few beers--Jericho more than John. John has given up doing any work. They are both slumped on the floor,
still watching the Olympics in the dark.
Jerichonah, this, this isn’t the gayest thing i’ve ever seen.
JohnYeah?
Jerichono. My, uh, my friend ellie, right? You know ellie.
JohnThe one with the (mimes liberty spikes) hair?
JerichoYeah, yeah, that’s ellie. Anyway. Yeah, ellie, she sat me down and made me watch this, i don’t know, i guess it was chinese or something. Maybe Japanese. This movie. (frowns, thinking)
Fucking bizarre, man.
JohnBecause it was chinese?
Jerichono, no. it was, i don’t even know. Just bizarre. Men dressing up with, with, with the makeup and shit. Didn’t make any fucking
sense even with the subtitles.
JohnWhy’d you watch it, then?
73
JerichoGayest thing i ever saw.
JohnFigure-skating’s not even a close second?
JerichoDefinitely not.
They watch the TV in silence for a moment. Jericho polishes off another beer.
JerichoShe said she made me watch it ‘cause she thought i was gay. i dunno, maybe it’s the pants or something. (beat) Do i seem gay
to you?
JohnYou don’t want me to answer that.
JerichoAsshole.
Another pause.
Jerichonah, i’ve never even kissed a guy.
JohnWhy would you?
Jerichoi don’t know. (beat) have you?
JohnWhat? no.
74
Jerichohuh. Yeah. Me either. (beat) You want to?
JohnWhat, kiss you? no!
Jerichocom-pen-sa-tiiiing.
Johni’m not gay.
JerichoMe either. I just figure I oughtta know where I’m coming from.
JohnWhat’s that mean?
Jerichoi dare you.
Johnoh, what, what are you, like, ten?
JerichoDouble-dog dare you.
Johnno. i’m leaving.
JerichoYou back out, you have to buy me a soda.
JohnThat’s jinx, not double-dog dare.
JerichoWhatever. You’re still doing that masculinity complex thing.
75
Johnoh, for--
Jerichocompensating.
John leans over and kisses Jericho. It’s awkward and decidedly not romantic. He pulls back as quickly as possible and backpedals across
the floor.
JohnThere. Jesus.
JerichoYep.
John(dryly)
That do anything for you, then?
Jericho gives this all due consideration.
Jerichono, not really, no.
JohnYeah. Good.
JerichoAt least you can say you’ve been there and done that.
JohnAbsolutely not. This never gets mentioned again.
Jericho leans back against the bed. John relaxes. They watch TV.
76
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s Apartment - Morning
John is moving around the apartment, collecting his possessions and packing them into his suitcase/briefcase. Jericho is asleep in the middle of the floor with the personals section of the newspaper draped over his eyes. The TV is still on. John is searching desperately for something. After a while of searching, he catches sight of something out of the corner of his eye and looks up to see all of his ties hanging from the blades of the ceiling fan. The culprit is obvious-- he looks down at Jericho, then back up at the
fan. He laughs quietly.
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s Apartment - Morning
John is now all packed up, fully dressed in his suit and tie and ready to go. Jericho is still sleeping on the floor.
Johnhey.
Jericho doesn’t stir.
John(a little louder)
hey.
Jericho still doesn’t wake up. John sighs and opens his briefcase. He takes out a pad of sticky notes and a pen. He writes something on the sticky note, then goes over to Jericho and sticks it on his face. He gathers up his briefcase and luggage and turns to leave, but then turns back. He walks over to the sofa and retrieves the pineapple. He then leaves, shutting the door behind him. As he exits, we see that all of Jericho’s pants are now
hanging from the ceiling fan in place of the ties.
77
Cut to:Int. Train - Morning
John is leaning against the window, staring outside. He looks down at the pineapple in his lap and suddenly laughs, a short burst of laughter,
shaking his head.
Cut to:Int. Jericho’s apartment - Morning
Jericho is still asleep. CLOSE on the post-it on his face where we read in neat, business-like handwriting: “JOHN REUBEN SMITH, (987)
654-3210.”
Fade out
