Joe Barton, MA, LPC, NCC

National Certified Counselor

Faculty Associate, TTUHSC Family Medicine

I am a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and… National Certified Counselor (NCC) by the NBCC

Professional Activities Include:◦ Continuing Education

◦ Teaching◦ Assessment◦ Consultation

◦ Therapy

Please, just call me “Joe”

“Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value.”---Albert Einstein

“Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”---Sir Winston Churchill

“Many of life‟s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”---Thomas A. Edison

October . Here in this dank, unfamiliar kitchenI study my father's embarrassed young man's face.Sheepish grin, he holds in one hand a string of spiny yellow perch, in the othera bottle of Carlsbad beer.

In jeans and denim shirt, he leansagainst the front fender of a 1934 Ford.He would like to pose bluff and hearty for his posterity,wear his old hat cocked over his ear.All his life my father wanted to be bold.

But the eyes give him away, and the handsthat limply offer the string of dead perchand the bottle of beer. Father, I love you,yet how can I say thank you, I who can't hold my liquor either,and don't even know the places to fish?

I was placed into Foster Care between the ages of 13 and 14 and remained in care until I emancipated at 18.◦ I‟ve seen the system from the inside-out.

Some well-known people who spent time in foster care include Eddie Murphy, Ice-T, Cher, Marilyn Monroe and Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

List the realities of foster care◦ Statistics

◦ Demographics

◦ Etc…

Discuss the unique challenges that Foster Parents Face

Discuss ways to Master these challenges

Understand basic B-Mod principals of parenting

It's an easy way to make extra money

•It‟s anything but! If you are in this for the money…GET OUT!

It's not okay to have foster children if your own children still live at

home.

•Your children will most likely help make the transition easier for your foster child.

Your extended family will be supportive of your decision to take in

a foster child.

•Many families are not.

All you have to do is provide for the child.

•You will have to attend weekly meetings with professionals and do much more

than provide for the child's physical needs, but this is where the rewards come in.

Providing for a child's physical, emotional and mental needs.

Connecting with a child who has lost their connection to others.

Helping a child learn to trust an adult and feel safe and relaxed in their home environment.

Offering a child a better life (maybe even saving that child's life).

Helping the child believe in himself and feel competent in his or her abilities.

Feeling like you're making a difference in someone's life.

Helping a child learn how to care for and help others.

Personal growth as you develop the strength, courage and skills to help transform a life.

On September 30, 2006, there were an estimated 510,000 children in foster care.

Almost a quarter (24 percent) were in relative homes, and nearly half (46 percent) were in non-relative foster family homes.

Almost half (49 percent) had a case goal of reunification with their families.

The percentage of children who left the system to be reunited with their families or placed with relatives remained about the same from 2000 to 2006 (70 percent and 69 percent, respectively).

Almost half of the children (49 percent) who left foster care in FY 2006 were in care for less than 1 year.

¹http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/foster.cfm

2006 Child Statistics

# in Care

•510,000

% in Non-Relative

Foster Homes

•46%

% Reunified

•53%

Median Age

•10.2

¹http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/foster.cfm

4032

199

2006 Percentage in Care by Race / Ethnicity

¹http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/foster.cfm

About 30% of children in foster care have severe emotional, behavioral, or developmental problems. Physical health problems are also common. Most children, however, show remarkable resiliency and determination to go on with their lives. Children in foster care often struggle with the following issues¹:

Blaming themselves and feeling guilty about removal from their birth parents

Wishing to return to birth parents even if they were abused by them

Feeling unwanted if awaiting adoption for a long time

Feeling helpless about multiple changes in foster parents over time

Having mixed emotions about attaching to foster parents

Feeling insecure and uncertain about their future

Reluctantly acknowledging positive feelings for foster parents

¹http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/foster.cfm

Children in foster care have special and complex needs which are best addressed by a coordinated team which usually includes the birth parents, foster parents, mental health professionals (including child and adolescent psychiatrists) and child welfare staff.¹

¹http://adoption.about.com/od/fostering/u/foster_care.htm

Sibling separationOften brothers and sisters who enter foster care are not able to live together. It is not uncommon to hear stories of how communication was restricted while in foster care and siblings lose contact with each other.

Overnights not allowed “Hey, can you spend the night this Saturday?” Imagine answering that question with, “Are your parents willing to get a police background check first?” For some foster youth, this is a requirement.

No petsKids who enter foster care, in most cases, are not allowed to bring their pets with them.

Happy 18th BirthdayFor some teens the only 18th birthday present they receive is a plastic bag to put their stuff in and a bus pass. Then they are informed they will have to find a new place to live.

Minutes to goWhen youth first go into foster care, they often have just minutes to pack. And often they must quickly stuff belongings into bags to transport it.

¹http://www.fosterclub.com/article/some-unique-challenges-young-people-foster-care

Driver‟s licenseMany states do not allow kids in foster care to get a driver‟s license. This can make it hard for a youth to prepare for life on their own by getting a job, particularly if they live in a rural area that has no public transportation.

Holidays for college studentsMost colleges close campus housing (dorms) during holiday breaks. Many youth report sleeping in their cars during these breaks because they have nowhere else to go.

Vacations optionalFoster families often cannot afford to bring their foster children on vacations or they choose not to. If a family travels out of state, sometimes foster children are not allowed to go.

Losing my religionBecause there is a shortage of foster homes across the country, moving in foster care may mean that a young person must moveto a new city or county. Often it is not possible to stay connected to their church or to continue to play on a sports team because of the distance.

¹://www.fosterclub.com/article/some-unique-challenges-young-people-foster-care

Working with Behaviors

Subjective Field with High Turn Over

Interacting with Birth Family

Slow Court System

Being Part of a Team

Recognizing the limits of their emotional attachment to the child

Understanding mixed feelings toward the child's birth parents

Recognizing their difficulties in letting the child return to birth parents

Dealing with the complex needs (emotional, physical, etc.) of children in their care

Working with sponsoring social agencies

Finding needed support services in the community

Dealing with the child's emotions and behavior following visits with birth parents

¹http://adoption.about.com/od/fostering/u/foster_care.htm

1. Take time for yourself. Take a candle lit bath, go to the gym, meet up with some friends. Whatever you find relaxing and refreshing - do. Exercise, eat right, take your vitamins. Pray or meditate. Keep yourself healthy.

2. Take care of your marriage. Foster Parenting can exact a high price on a marriage. Dealing day in and day out with challenging children, who quickly learn to pit one parent against the other, can make home feel more like a battleground. Give your marriage top priority. Everyone benefits when the marriage is happy and stable: your children, your foster children and yourselves.

3. Take care of your biological and adopted children. They are often forgotten in the whole foster care saga. You can quickly find all your time spent coping with the behaviors of the foster children and then find your own children acting out, trying to re-gain your attention. Go out one-on-one with them, to a movie, out for ice cream or out for a drive. Just be with them and ready to listen. Make it a rule that whenever you are out on your "date" together that they can express any feelings or thoughts to you, even venting to you, and you will just listen to them. They are likely dealing with much the same emotions and frustrations that you are.

¹http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/484163/help_for_weary_foster_parents_tips_pg2.html?cat=25

4. Build a support base for yourself: extended family, friends, church family, co-workers, social outlets. Sometimes just having someone to listen to you can make all the difference in your perspective.

5. Connect with other foster parents. Sometimes there are just things that no one can understand except for others who are in the same position as you.

6. Use respite care occasionally. Use this time for your family to recharge their batteries. Everyone will feel better equipped to handle situations as they arise when they have had a little breather.

¹http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/484163/help_for_weary_foster_parents_tips_pg2.html?cat=25

10 Ways to Ruin a Marriage while Fostering◦ Neglect your marriage. Stay away from things like date nights - NEVER have couple

time. Allow foster care to become your whole world with room for nothing else.◦ Allow the child to manipulate and triangulate. Playing you against your spouse is a

great game! Fall into conversations with openers like, “Boy, Dad said you wouldn't let me go with my friends, but he would.” or “When Mom is with us all day she lets us play the game system for three hours at a time.”

◦ Argue in front of the kids. This way the kids will know that you‟re stressed and wearing down.

◦ Ignore your own needs. Don't go out for lunch with friends, enjoy your hobby, or take a long bubble bath. This will keep you good and cranky.

◦ Take all of the child‟s behaviors personally. Then take the stress and frustration out on your spouse and family.

◦ Disagree with your spouse on discipline in front of the children. This shows a further division between you two.

◦ Choose to be resentful of the situation. Don't communicate your needs and feelings to your spouse in a healthy manner.

◦ When things get really bad, don‟t seek out help from professionals or clergy. Keep it all bottled up inside, deep, deep inside.

◦ Isolate yourself and refuse to talk about things. Don‟t vent to friends, allow feelings to build, thus causing you to explode.

◦ Convince yourself that respite isn‟t necessary. You are a rock! You can handle anything! You don't need a break!

¹http://adoption.about.com/od/fostering/u/foster_care.htm

Stop “Shoulding” on Everyone!◦ Replace “Shoulds” with “I prefer”

Exercise---I know---But, It‟s True!◦ Exercise, Tooth-Brushing, and Bathing

Practice Relaxation◦ Free Relaxation MP3 @ BartonCBT.com!◦ Yoga

Make Time for Your Marriage Make Time for Your Friends Have a Routine Keep the Kids Involved in Activities Laugh! Realize the Limits of Your Control Learn New Parenting Skills, Accept Help

B-MOD◦ Law of Law of Effect We are more likely to engage in behaviors that are

rewarding

We are much less likely to engage in behaviors that are punishing or unpleasant

Pick Up Toys

Praise/Dessert

More Likely to Pick

Up Toys in Future

Leaves Toys on

Floor

Toys Are Given

Away

Less Likely to Leave

Toys Out in Future

Group Discussion

Let‟s brainstorm Thorndike‟s law and how it is at work in our everyday lives.◦ How can you use this principal when parenting?

Reinforcement◦ That which increases the odds that a behavior will be presented again Positive (Presented) Reinforcement

Candy

Praise

Prizes

Negative (Taken Away) Reinforcement Annoying noise with seatbelt

Nagging by parent/child stops

Gets out of Time-Out

Punishment◦ That which decreases the odds that a behavior will be presented again Positive (Presented) Punishment

Physical (e.g. spanking) No-No with Fostering!

Extra chores

Negative (Taken Away) Punishment Time-Out a Toy

Grounding

The Antecedent◦ Who◦ What◦ Where

The Behavior◦ Describe the behavior in concrete detail (What would a

camera see?). Explain exactly what you or your child did, said, etc. Don‟t put value or judgment on it. Don‟t use meaningless words like stupid, ugly, bad, etc. A good example might sound like this: “He/She threw a

toy across the room and yelled, „I hate you….just shut up!”

A bad example might sound like this: “He/She lost it and threw a fit.”

The Consequence(s) of the Behavior◦ What happened immediately after the behavior?◦ What changed in the environment?

How did others react?

Did your child get something or lose something—or both?

◦ What did you do immediately after the behavior?

Remember: if your child gets his/her way or gets you to back down or give-up—that is a positive outcome for your child and he/she will likely engage in behaviors that result in similar consequences in the future!

Explain rules in clear and simple terms. Use words that your child can understand. Give only one instruction at a time. Have your child repeat your instructions. Speak calmly. Do not get angry when describing a rule. Do not make the rules too complicated. Focus only on relevant information. Do not attack your child‟s self-esteem. Rules should be reasonable and age appropriate. Set logical consequences for each rule. Be consistent. When a rule is broken, give your child a reminder of the rule and the

consequences. Often children behave inappropriately or act out when they cannot cope with their

feelings. It is important to help children express their feelings. Sometimes instead of making rules it is more important to understand the child‟s feelings and behavior.

Reinforce positive behavior. Ignore inappropriate behavior that can be ignored. Do not make threats or promises that you will not or cannot keep.

When communicating with your child: Be certain that there are no distractions. Get your child‟s attention. Make one request at a time. Repeat instructions. When setting limits, set logical consequences.

For example, if your child is 10 minutes late returning home from a friend‟s house, he/she must come home 10 minutes early the next day.

Have your child describe the problem in simple terms.

Help your child use words to describe how he/she feels about the problem.

Have your child list all the possible solutions to the problem without

evaluating any of the alternatives.

Help your child identify the consequences of each of the these alternatives.

Choose the best solution.

Bedtime

Morning Time

Mealtimes

Homework Times

Unstructured Time

Limit Television/Video Game Time

Use Chores as time to Build Relationships

What does the pond represent?

What does the ice represent?

What is Phillip feeling?

Do his behaviors make any sense?

What does he need?

Have you ever met any “Phillips”?

Have you ever been a “Phillip”

Biological

PsychologicalSocial

Experiences

Serotonin Levels/NE

Levels

Negative

Thoughts/Emotions

Experiences with

Family, Friends,

Society

Depression

Traumatic

Experiences

Negative

Thoughts/Emotions

NT/Endocrine

There is a huge need for skilled, loving, and dedicated foster parents

Foster parenting is extremely stressful and difficult at times, but…..it is also extremely rewarding as well

You must work on all areas of your life in order to avoid burn-out

Behaviors are complex and require multiple approaches from myriad individuals (“it takes a village….”)

Father/Mother to Son/Daughter◦ Harry Harrison

◦ Melissa Harrison

Taking Charge of ADHD

Your Defiant Child◦ Russell Barkley

Parenting with Love and Logic◦ Foster Cline and Jim Fay

Barlow, D. H. (Ed.) (2001). Clinical handbook of psychological disorders: A step-by-step treatment manual (3rd ed.). New York: Guilford

Burns, D. D. (1999). The feeling good handbook. New York: Plume Corsini, R. J. (2005). Current psychotherapies (7th ed.). Belmont, CA:

Brooks/Cole. Leahy, R. L., & Holland, S. J. (2000). Treatment plans and interventions for

depression and anxiety disorders. New York: Guilford Miltenberger, R.G. (2004). Behavior modification: Principles and Procedures (3rd

ed.). North Dakota State University: Thomson Wadsworth. Prochaska, J. O., & Norcross, J. C. (2010). Systems of psychotherapy: A

transtheoretical analysis (7th ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole. Skinner, B.F. (1991). Behavior of Organisms. Copley Pub Group, 473. Walker, H. M., & Buckley, N. (1974). Token reinforcement techniques. Eugene, OR:

E-B Press. http://adoption.about.com/od/fostering/u/foster_care.htm http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/484163/help_for_weary_foster_parents

_tips_pg2.html?cat=25 http://www.childwelfare.gov/ http://www.fosterclub.com/ http://www.youthlaw.org/