Inner Healing for Self-Growth

Presented by:James J. Messina, Ph.D.

Available on: www.coping.us

So What is Your View of the World?

Let’s see what Louis Armstrong had to sing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3yCcXgbKrE&feature=related 

Our Goals for Today!

1. To assess if we are a “Can Do” people2. To identify what is low self-esteem and

where it comes from3. To look at the behavioral patterns of Low

Self-esteem4. To learn about Healthy Self-Esteem 5. To learn the Tools for Recovery from Low

Self-Esteem6. To use some CHILD strategies to move us

along the path to a healthier more serene being

“I THINK I CAN”

Let’s look closerLet’s look closer

We find a little Engine at the beginning of the book chugging, puffing, and “ding donging” along as a happy little train bringing good things to kids on the other side of the mountain

She was happy because she was carrying a full load of things which were good for these little girls and boys

She had cars filled with toy animals, dolls, toy clowns, toy engines, airplanes, tops, jack-knives, puzzles, and books

Our Engine becomes Down & OutOur Engine becomes Down & Out

She also was carrying cars filled with good things for girls and boys to eat like oranges, apples, creamy milk, fresh spinach, peppermint drops and lollypops

Then ALL OF A SUDDEN she stopped with a jerk and she could not get her wheels to turn any longer she became Down & Out!

OH Boy! What were all the good little girls and boys on the other side of the mountain going to do without all these goodies the engine was carrying?

Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007

Down & OutDown & Out

Consider the Goal of Down & OutConsider the Goal of Down & Out

Down & Out was doing a service for others. She was not just delivering items. She was in the process of enhancing and enriching the lives of the girls and boys on the other side of the mountain

Down & Out was not just doing a job, she was in the process of making life better for others

Down & Out was being a Legend to those on the other side of the mountain for the good she was providing them

Down & Out did not feel like she was working a j.o.b. She felt like she was on a mission!

But our little engine became Down & Out

Are You Down & Out?Are You Down & Out?

Have you been experiencing: A desire to just give up and stop trying A sense of “is it worth the effort?” A feeling of being lost and abandoned,

forgotten, isolated, alone……. If so then you need to become a NEW

ENGINE to pull the train of your self-esteem out of the rut!

First up was Shiny the new passenger engineFirst up was Shiny the new passenger engine

The first to appear after Down & Out broke down was the Shiny New Engine

The toys on the train pleaded to Shiny to pull their train over the mountain so that the girls and boys on the other side of the mountain would have toys to play with and food to eat

Shiny said: “I am a Passenger Engine entitled to only carry the finest of cars and people and there is no way I would pull the likes of your train! Indeed not!”

Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007

ShinyShiny

Wow! Are you a Shiny? Wow! Are you a Shiny?

Do you believe like Shiny that you are entitled to be given good things without putting yourself out to get them?

Are you not open to doing more than the bare minimum to care for yourself and others?

Are you not at all committed to a mission of caring for yourself so you can do for others in the process?

Are you more focused on what minimally you need to do to get by?

Are you self-absorbed with your “Poor Me’ness”? Are you a Shiny New Engine who can’t?

Well maybe BIGGIE the Freight Engine will help!Well maybe BIGGIE the Freight Engine will help!

After Shiny went to the round house where engines that are not busy go, along came BIGGIE a Big Freight Engine

Again the toys and dolls asked him to bring the train over to the other side of the mountain to give the good little girls and boys things to play with and food to eat

Well BIGGIE said he was a Freight Engine who had just done major work of great importance and that he would not pull the likes of the children’s train and he puffed off indignantly to the roundhouse

Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007

BIGGIEBIGGIE

Yikes! Are you a BIGGIE?Yikes! Are you a BIGGIE?

Are you filled with self-importance and wait for others to recognize your worth and value without extending yourself to others?

Are you so full of yourself that you can only think of your needs and not the needs of others?

Are you always on the defense lest someone ask you to do something that you feel is beneath you?

Are you a BIGGIE who is a “little nobody who thinks of self as being a big somebody” but is one who can’t think outside of him or herself for others?

Yea! Maybe Rusty, the old engine will do it!Yea! Maybe Rusty, the old engine will do it!

As BIGGIE rolled into the roundhouse, the toys and dolls waved to a dingy, rusty old engine and asked for help

But Rusty sighed and said that he was so tired that he had to rest his weary wheels

Rusty went on to say: I cannot, I cannot, I cannot!...

Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007

RustyRusty

Ugh!! Are you Rusty ?Ugh!! Are you Rusty ?

Are you so burned out and tired that you do not have the energy or desire to change even if the opportunity is great and rewarding in the end?

Are you so blind by your being a “victim” that you cannot see yourself being a “winner?”

Are you so worn out from the day to day struggles of your life, you have lost any vision or imagination of how things could get better?

Are you Rusty who cannot, cannot, cannot?

Along comes Little BlueLittle BlueAlong comes Little BlueLittle Blue

Little BlueLittle Blue was chugging along merrily when asked by the toys and dolls to carry their train over to the girls and boys on the other side of the mountain

Little BlueLittle Blue was honest with them saying that she was not very big and had never been over the mountain and that she was only used for switching trains

Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007

Little BlueLittle BlueLittle BlueLittle Blue

Little Blue has a heart for self and other people!Little Blue has a heart for self and other people!

Little BlueLittle Blue listened to the request of the toys and dolls and she was moved when she saw the tears in their eyes as they explained how the children on the other side of the mountain would not have any good things to play with or good foods to eat!

Little BlueLittle Blue thought about the poor children on the other side of the mountain who would be going without and she…

Little BlueLittle Blue said “I think I can!”Little BlueLittle Blue said “I think I can!”

Little Blue Little Blue hitched herself to the little train and tugged, pulled and slowly started off!

Puff, puff, chug, chug Little BlueLittle Blue started off Little BlueLittle Blue was saying as she went: I think I

can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can… Up, up, faster and faster she climbed until she

reached the top of the mountain, down in the valley was the city with the little girls and boys…

Little BlueLittle Blue proclaims “I thought I could”Little BlueLittle Blue proclaims “I thought I could”

“Hurray” cried the clowns and dolls at the top of the mountain-the little girls and boys in the city would be happy because Little BlueLittle Blue helped the little train achieve its goal!

Little BlueLittle Blue smiled and said “I thought I could, I thought I could, I thought I could…”

So are you like Little BlueLittle Blue?So are you like Little BlueLittle Blue?

Do you have your mind and heart open to “possibility thinking” rather than “impossibility thinking?”

Do you allow yourself to put yourself out for yourself first and others once your needs are met, knowing that this is extending yourself well beyond your comfort zone?

Do you allow yourself to be optimistic in your outlook and set aside the negatives in your life which could hinder your attitude and perspective on life?

So are you like Little BlueLittle Blue?So are you like Little BlueLittle Blue?

Are you able to take risks to change the way you think, feel, and act in situations like Little BlueLittle Blue or are you stuck like Down & Out, Shiny, BIGGIE, and Rusty?

Are you able to “step out of yourself” and show concern for your’s and others’ needs?

Do you want rewards which are visible or can you be as happy with knowing you are doing good like Little BlueLittle Blue was feeling once she came down the mountain to the city with the train for the little girls and boys?

So are you like Little Blue?So are you like Little Blue?

Are rewards, recognition, and appreciation from others the only way you feel rewarded in life or are you like Little Blue who is rewarded by knowing that you have done the right thing by taking care of yourself and others?

So can you be like Little Blue and develop your “can do attitude?”

The Little Engine that Could by Walter Piper. Grosset & Dunlap 1978

The Website Home of The Little Engine that Could: http://us.penguingroup.com/static/packages/us/yreaders/littleenginetc/books.htm

View original The Little Engine 1963 film at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnNVn5bPUXU&feature=related

What is Low Self-Esteem? Insecurity Closed to Others Poor Decision Maker Anxious Fear of Intimacy Not able to have fun Black and White Thinker Poor Anger Control High Need for Approval Lots of Guilt Lots of Depression

What is Healthy Self-Esteem? Sense of Productivity Sense of Autonomy Sense of Uniqueness Altruistic Leadership Ability Sense of Competence Self-Confidence Healthy Self-Concept Independent Thinker Self-Accepting & Loving Good Decision Maker

What Contributes to Low Self-Esteem

Dysfunctional Environments

Bad relationships Codependent Has Disability Non-supportive school,

work Abused Conditional acceptance

and love

What causes Dysfunction?

Things more important than people

Mental illness Major Losses Abuse Rigid feelings Ice Boxes Addiction Disability Big Pay Off

9 Behavioral Patterns of People with Low Self-Esteem

1. Looking Good2. Acting Out3. Pulling In4. Entertainer5. Troubled Person6. Enabler7. People Pleaser8. Rescuer9. Non-Feeling

Looking -Good Hero High Achiever Over-responsible Driven Approval Seeker Looks together Goal: Denial of

Problems

Acting Out Scapegoat Irresponsible Trouble-Maker Rebellious Poor - Under

Achiever Anti-authority Self-destructive Caustic Goal: Divert focus

Pulling In Invisible Loner Bookish Quiet - Recluse Hard to know Aloof Avoid problems Protect self -overweight Goal: withdraws to survive

ENTERTAINER Clown Mascot Comic Relief Immature Hyperactive Not taken seriously Distracter Attention getting Talks a lot Goal: Divert attention

Troubled Person Irresponsible Addict Unstable Blame others Out of control Broken Con artist Denial of problems Problem for others Goal: Self-serving

Enabling Protect & Save

others Over-responsible Co-dependent Nagger Covers up Controlling Demanding Goal: get troubled

people to change

Rescuing Helper Motivated Victimized Stuck Irrational Loyalty Burdened-down Self-Negated Unassertive Goal: reduce tension,

hurt & pain

People Pleasing Easily liked Placator Always smiling Outgoing Friendly Courteous Generous Fits in Works hard to please Goal: get approval

Non-Feeling Stoic Nothing bothers Intense thinker Low-Key Steady even-

tempered No strong feelings Black & White Goal: deny feelings

to survive

Impact of Low Self-Esteem

T hink ing d is tortedb y

irra tion a l b e lie fs &o ld b eh avio ra l sc rip ts

F ee l ings d is tortedd en ied , rep ressed ,

exag g era ted o rexp los ive fee lin g s

Behaviors d is toredu n h ea lth y, irresp on s ib le ,

com p u ls ive , u n p rod u c tive ,se lf-d es tru c tive

Unresolved Loss Issues Unresolved Anger Issues

Self-Destructive Behaviors Personal Adjustm ent Problem s

Control Issues Faulty Com m unications

Interpersonal Relationship Problem s

C om puls ive Persona l i ty T ra itsL ook in g G ood , A c tin g O u t, P u llin g In ,

E n terta in in g , E n ab le r, Trou b led P erson ,P eop le P leaser, R escu er, N on fee lin g

LOW SELF ESTEEM

S ources of L ow S e lf-E s teemd ys fu n c tion a l en viron m en ts , d isas te rou s re la tion sh ip s , cod ep en d en cy,p h ys ica l ab u se , em otion a l & verb a l ab u se , sexu a l ab u se , ad d ic tion s ,d isab ility, p e rson a l fa ilu res , ch ron ic illn ess , n eg lec t, p u t d own s

Healthy Adult Self-Esteem

Self N urturingu n con d it ion a l se lf love & accep tan ce

accep t se lf as u n iq u eop en & h on es t in p erson a l fee lin g s

N urturing Environm entrecog n it ion & accep tan ced efin ed & en fo rced lim its

resp ec t & freed om to b e se lf

N urturing R ela tionshipu n con d it ion a l love & accep tan ce

g ood com m u n ica tion sw arm th , ca rin g & love o f o th ers

Self-worth Self-Deservedness

Productive Personality Personally Responsible

Creative Problem Solver Altruism

Leadership Healthy Coping Skills

Healthy Self-concept Optim ism

H ealthy Self-Esteem

N ecessa ry C onditions for G row th

Self-Esteem Recovery Model

Rationa l T hink inglea rn w h at is rea lity & n orm a l,

d isp e l irra tion a l, c rea te a ffirm ation s

Hea led Ra tiona l F ee l ingslea rn h on es t an d op en id en tify &

exp ress fee lin g s

Hea lthy Ra tiona l Behaviorsac t on ra tion a l th ou g h ts an d fee lin g s ,accep t resp on s ib ility - L e t G o to G od

Let go of Loss Issues Resolve Anger Issues

Elim inate Self- Destructive Behaviors Im proved personal functioning

Self-control - letting go of others Im proved Com m unications

Im prove interpersonal relationships

Im proved Self-Esteem

C hanged O ld Persona l i ty T ra itsrew rite o ld sc rip ts , red e fin e se lf

Sources of R ecoveryIn d ivid u a l, cou p le , fam ily, g rou p cou n se lin g , Trea tm en t

P eer su p p ort, 1 2 S tep P rog ram s , B u d d ies a t S E A , A A , N A , G A , O A , A lan on , A C O A , C oD A

So How About It? Do You Connect with Others?

That’s What Friends are For?: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTcHT4zpAGs

Your Social Support System is what it is all about as you Recover from Low Self-Esteem!

The Tree that Survived the Winter

The Tree that Survived the Winter by Mary Fahy. Paulist Press, 1989.

The Oklahoma Survivor Tree at the Site of the Oklahoma Bombing on 9:01 am April 19, 1995 see the memorial site and survivor tree at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxvigLADFaI

How Similar is Your Story to the Tree’s?

Have you survived being replanted? Have you survived winters? Have you tuned into your inner voice? Have you a social network to rejoice

in your successes? Have you spent time to heal the

bruised feelings and emotions from your past?

Tools for Healing Low Self-Esteem

TEA ALERT ANGER CHILD LET GO RELAPSE

TEA System

ThoughtsEmotionsActions

TEA System

ALERT System

ASSESSLESSENEASE OUTRELAXTAKE STEPS

ANGER SystemACCEPTNAME ITGET IT OUTENERGIZERELEASE

CHILD SystemCALMHEALINFORMLIGHTENDIRECT

A Love Song for Our Inner Child

Stevie Wonder sings our Inner Child Anthem: You are the Sunshine of My Life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2XUiVwAuas

LET GO SystemLIGHTEN NEEDEXERCISE RIGHTSTAKE STEPSGIVE UP CONTROLORDER LIFE

RELAPSE System RECOGNIZE EXERCISE LEARN ACT PROTECT SUPPORT EVALUATE

RELAPSE System

MIND-BODY CONNECTION

BRAIN rational reasoning

HEART-GUT involuntary organic systems

heart rate pressure gastric acid adrenaline

IMMUNE SYSTEM

The Velveteen Rabbit The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery

Williams, Double Day Publishers, 1922. Website: http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/williams/rabbit/rabbit.html

The Velveteen Rabbit as told by Meryl Streep: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_m054tLKvs

POWER OF HUGGING BIG HUG KIND WORD A TOUCH THANK YOU FORGIVE ME CAN I HELP I’M SORRY CONNECTING AFFIRMING VALIDATING ENCOURAGE

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Siverstein. Harper and Row, 1981.

On You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQooE

MISSING PIECE

HELPLESS DEPENDENT MANIPULATE SURVIVOR TROUBLED ACTING OUT PLEASER VIOLATES

BOUNDARIES LOW SELF-ESTEEM

PERFECT FIT

FIXER CARETAKER MANIPULATE INTIMDATOR IDEALIST RESCUER ENABLER CO-DEPENDENT IS VIOLATED LOW SELF-ESTEEM

BIG O SELF-CONTROL DETACHED LETS GO OF CONTROL NO CONDITIONS POWERLESS RESPONSIBLE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ASSERTIVE HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM

The Giving Tree

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. Harper & Row, 1964

View original video by Shel Silverstein of the Giving Tree at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TZCP6OqRlE

THE BOY

Always taking, taking, taking Never giving, giving, giving Always focused on own needs Never focused on needs of tree Always self-centered Never other-focused

The Tree

Never taking, taking, taking Always giving, giving, giving Never focused on own needs Always focused on needs of boy Never self-centered Always other-focused – during

boy’s lifetime

So…

Are you the Boy or the Tree? Which would you prefer to be? Which do you believe would be the

healthiest for you to be? What did you learn from this story?

Prayer for Serenity

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage to change the things I can Wisdom to know the difference living one day at a time enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace Taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it, not as I would

have it Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to

your will So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely

happy with You forever in the next. Amen

HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM

Is the way to experience life to its fullest by appreciating

each dayone day at a time

So What is Your View of the World?

Let’s see Louis Armstrong’s words as he sings our theme: What a Wonderful World!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3yCcXgbKrE&feature=related