IInterpersonalConflict Styles

Tim DyerJohn Mark Ministries

used with permission1

Personal Styles of Dealing with Interpersonal

Conflict

• Reflect on your own natural tendency and which of these operational styles you may need to acquire.

They all have their place......

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Bull• Forcing• My way• I win - You lose• This is the way!• Why waste time on

discussion and collaboration – there is a solution lets just get it done.

3

Turtle • Avoiding• No way• I lose - You lose• I’m out of here... • The best solution

to conflict is to get yourself out of the situation

• Ignoring the conflict or leaving the conflicted environment.

The Turtle

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Fox

• Compromise• Half Way• I win some –

I lose some• Maybe if we are all

prepared to give a little we can find a way to get enough of what we need…

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Koala

• Accommodating / Supporting

• Your way• I lose - You win• Staying connected to

you is more important to me than being in conflict. I am prepared to back down and support you.

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Owl

• Collaborating• Our way• I win - You win• We need to take time and

put some energy into working this out so that we find a creative solution where we both get what we need.

The Owl

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Personal Conflict Styles

Concern for the relationship

Con

cern

for

the

issu

e

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The style you use sends a message to

others about the value you place on your relationship with them and the value you

place on the issue

Personal Conflict Styles

Concern for the relationship

Con

cern

for

the

issu

e

9

Personal Conflict Styles

Concern for the relationship

Con

cern

for

the

issu

e

10

Groups

• Form groups based on your natural operating style

• List the benefits of your approach to conflict?

• Note down how you feel when faced with each of the other styles?

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When is it appropriate to use

the Bull approach?

InfrequentlyIn emergenciesTo protect rightsTo exercise justiceWhen compliance can be monitoredWhen all other means have failed and action must be takenWhen an unpopular but necessary course of action must be followed.

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Costs of using theBull approach

where it may notbe appropriate

Relationships deteriorate People feel devalued Spontaneity / creativity is lost Manipulative behaviour develops Rebellion simmers Morale decreases

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How to use the Bull approach appropriately

if it is required

Understand and exercise appropriate authority Access external authority if needed Be clear and decisive Be careful not to portray this asanother more participatory style(e.g. by giving the impression the decision is open to negotiation if it isn't)

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fleeingignoringavoidingprocrastinating

When is it appropriate to use the turtle approach?

When the issue is quite unimportant or the cost of working it through is higher than the value gained.When the situation is highly volatile and people need to cool down before dealing with a conflict.When people are highly fragileWhen space is neededConflict topics or issues might need to be avoided or ignored when you need to be together with others for another reason but are unable to resolve the conflict. 15

fleeingignoringavoidingprocrastinating

High frustration levels because the issues are not addressed and nothing changesPeople feel devaluedBuild up of tension in relationshipsEnergy drain and depressionBecause conflicts are not solved they compound over time

Costs of overusing theturtle approach

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fleeingignoringavoidingprocrastinating

Politely leave or withdraw from the conflicted situationUse appropriate stalling, delaying or procrastinating processes if proceeding into conflict is likely to result in people being hurt.Choose to ignore or overlook the conflictConsider communicating your reasons for withdrawing especially if this is intentional and temporary

How to use the turtle approach appropriately if it is required

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When is it appropriate to use the Fox approach?

When time is short and an outcome is requiredWhen trust is not completeWhere a compromise outcome is workable and each party has something to give and something to gainWhere parties are able to respond to reasoned and rational discussion

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Outcomes are usually less than parties have hoped forThere is often a sense of dissatisfaction in the result and the processCompromise potentially leads to low levels of commitment to the course of action agreed toCompromise can lead to a focus on dealing with symptoms rather than causes

Costs of using theFox approach whenit may not be appropriate

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Negotiation skills should be employed. Have moderate expectationsIdentifying each party's interests, values, needs and desired outcomesWorking out how much each party can give to gain a way out of an impasseStart with 50% - 50%, split the difference..... Bargain – I will give on this..., will you give on that.....

How to use the Fox approach appropriately if it is required

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When is it appropriate

to use the Koala approach?

When the issue is not really yours or is not high on your personal agendaWhen the relationship is important and long-term e.g. Family, close friendship, church When the tension is not a direct result of the conflict and is related to other factors in a person's lifeWhere listening to and supporting the person will allow later movement to a collaborative style

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Costs of using theKoala approach

where it may notbe appropriate

By supportive behaviour the koala approach sends the message that the issue is not important to them or that they agree with the other. It may lead to resentment and depression if important ideas, values and issues are never addressed. This may be frustrating to others who are looking for a collaborative approach.It may lead to stunted growth of personal gifts and abilities.It can create dependence on othersIt denies others the benefit of healthy confrontation

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How to use the Koala approach

appropriately if it is required

Listen, reflect the feelings of the other, offer pastoral support and care.Give in, placate or acknowledge

error if appropriate. Sublimate your own ideas and

interests for the sake of the relationship.

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When is it appropriateto use the Owl approach?

When the stakes are high and the issue is complexWhen there is time, energy and willingness available to work together constructivelyWhen relationships are important. When parties have well developed interpersonal skillsWhen there is openness to creative 'third-way' possibilities

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The owl approach indicates high concern for relationships and high concern for the issue.It is consumes significant time and energy and may be tiring, overwhelming and time-wasting if applied to every conflict or issue. It may distract from everyday operational effectiveness.Microanalysis may be paralysing for an organisation or relationship.

Costs of using theOwl approach whenit may not be appropriate

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Agree to a collaborative processIdentify, explore and analyse issues, needs, interests, perspectives and desired outcomes.Assert your own ideas while welcoming other views and perspectivesJointly examine the strengths and weaknesses of all viewsAdd value through applying creative strategies (e.g. Thinking hats)Agree on criteria and apply this to making a collective decision

How to use the Owl approach appropriately if it is required

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Interpersonal Conflict Styles

• Each style has its own benefits and value

• Each has drawbacks• Know your natural

tendency but also acquire the skills to employ the other styles when needed

• Your choice depends on the circumstances

• Ask: – How important is this

relationship?– How important is this

issue?27