How to Talk to Anyone How to Talk to Anyone About Anything About Anything

presented by:Jacqui Lanagan, Director of Nonprofit & Community Services

jacqui@getstrategy.com

www.getstrategy.com

Elements of a Elements of a ConversationConversation

1. Something happens (you observe or hear something)

2. You create assumptions

3. A feeling (good or bad) is created

4. You react

Guess what? So does the other person! There are 2 sides to every conversation

What makes some What makes some conversation so difficult?conversation so difficult?

The following elements all need to be present for a conversation to be Crucial:

• Differences of opinion

• Something to lose/something to gain

• Emotionally charged

Let’s TalkLet’s Talk

What strategies did you use to communicate as a child?

What do you do now as an adult?

Or not….

Silence or ViolenceSilence or Violence

Even if we are not physically violent we may attack others ideas and feelings.

• Silence – withdrawing, avoiding, masking• Violence – controlling, labeling, attacking

Common examples of when you Common examples of when you may be faced with a difficult may be faced with a difficult

conversationconversation

• People’s best ideas aren’t being heard and implemented

• Your aren’t given the resources you need to complete your job

• Your in-laws drop in without notice and try to take over your life

• Your spouse is spending far too much time at work, but every time you bring up the issue you end up in a heated argument

Identify where you are Identify where you are stuckstuck

• What bad results do you want to fix?

• What good results are you currently unable to achieve?

• What problems are you always trying to fix?

• What do people gripe about? What do people complain about at home and work?

What’s keeping you What’s keeping you stuckstuck

What is keeping the conversation from being successful or from happening at

all?

Step outside the content of the conversation and observe the processContent – what you’re talking aboutProcess – how you’re treating each other

in the moment

Common process Common process problemsproblems

• Not staying focused – move from sharing ideas to trying to win

• Fail to notice when people withdraw or attack

• Don’t know how to make it safe to talk about touchy subjects – so they avoid them or become emotional

• Don’t clarify what next steps are and who is going to do what

Staying focused on what Staying focused on what you really wantyou really want

When conversations get “real” we can:

• Become blind to our own role in the problem

• Lose sight of what really matters• We see only one solution (I question

your decision and assume I will be punished)

We judge others by their behavior, but

we judge ourselves by our intentions

Work on YOU firstWork on YOU first

• Admit your role in the problem

• Jump start your thinking• Focus on what you really want• Open your mind up to other options

(How do I question your decision without being punished?)

When communication When communication starts to failstarts to fail

Think about:

•How you are currently behaving

•What you really want• Personally• For the other person• For your relationship

•How you should behave

•Then do it

To get to “and” thinkingTo get to “and” thinking

1. Clarify what you want to achieve.

2. Clarify what you want to avoid.

3. Combine the two into an “and” question by asking, “I wonder how I can achieve _____ and avoid _____?”

How to notice when safety How to notice when safety is at riskis at risk

Look for:

•When a conversation becomes “real”

•Signs of silence or violence

•Your own style under stress• What emotions do you feel?• What physical responses do you

notice?• How do you behave?

Signs of SilenceSigns of Silence

Any action taken to withhold information. It ranges from playing verbal games to avoiding a person

entirely.

• Masking – sarcasm, sugar coating• Avoiding – staying away for the

topic/issue that is uncomfortable• Withdrawing – pulling out of

communication altogether

Signs of ViolenceSigns of Violence

Any action taken to compel others toward your point of view.

• Controlling – coercing others through how we share our views or drive the conversations (cutting others off, speaking in absolutes, etc…)

• Labeling – putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category

• Attacking – punishing others personally (name-calling, belittling, etc…)

Your style under stressYour style under stress

• Identify which communication style you revert to when conversations get “real”

• Think of a person or topic where you are having trouble communicating (work or at home)

• Candidly answer the questions on your worksheet

Make it safeMake it safe

• STOP talking• Make them feel safe

• You care about their best interests and goals

• You care about them• Start talking again

Yeah but – what if you don’t Yeah but – what if you don’t respect the other person?respect the other person?

• Respect calls for the ability to see the humanity in others; that is, respecting others because they’re human beings and as such deserve to be treated with dignity.

• Often times what we see as their faults are not much different from our own.

I don’t care about what you I don’t care about what you care about…care about…

• Debate or surrender

•Hidden agendas

•Circling back

I have offended you…I have offended you…

• Accusations

• Yelling

• Name-calling

• Pouting

Making it OK (again)Making it OK (again)

• Apologize

• Create mutual goals or shared interests – try to combine both (this is not a compromise)

• Clarify - “I don’t mean ____, I do mean ____”

Get your emotions in Get your emotions in checkcheck

• Our stories create our emotions; we create our stories• First, you see, hear, or otherwise experience

something• Second, you tell a story about the facts• Third, you generate a feeling• Fourth, you act

• If you want to change your reaction you need to change your story

Fact vs. FictionFact vs. Fiction

• Facts • Visible and audible• Scientifically verifiable• When brought up people on all sides of an

issue readily agree

• Fiction• Judgments (determine if facts are good or

bad)• Conclusions (help us fit elements together)• Attributions (tell us why people do what they

do)

Types of storiesTypes of stories

• Victim – “It’s not my fault. I’m an innocent bystander. I played no role in the problem.”

• Villain – “It’s all your fault” – other people are bad or wrong. They enjoy making me suffer.

• Helpless – “There’s nothing else I can do” – convince us we have no options for taking healthy action so I have to use silence or violence

““OOPS, my bad"OOPS, my bad"

Own your hypocrisyOwn your hypocrisy

• Tell a new story that acknowledges your role in creating or prolonging the problem.

• You know you’re part of the problem when:• You’re stuck in anger, self-justification, and

blame• You keep telling yourself the same story• You keep telling others the same story• You resist other’s attempts to question your

story

Change the storyChange the story

• You need to rethink the conclusions you drew and the judgments you made

• Your new story should:• Assess your role in the problem• Humanize the other person• Turn you from helpless into able

Turn yourself from Victim Turn yourself from Victim into an Actorinto an Actor

Ask yourself:• What am I pretending not to notice

about my role in the problem?• What should I have done?• What should I have not done?

Turn others from Villains Turn others from Villains into Humansinto Humans

• Ask the “humanizing question”:• Why would a reasonable, rational, and

decent person do this?

• Look for other possible motives and actively seek to see the good qualities in the other person

Turn yourself from Helpless Turn yourself from Helpless into Ableinto Able

• Acknowledge that we are capable of doing something about our situation

• Commit to corrective action and ask ourselves:• What should I do right now to move toward

what I really want?

• Decide what results we truly want to achieve in the situation and then behave in a way to yield those results

Let me tell you…Let me tell you…

• Share your facts• Tell your story (explain the conclusions

and judgments drawn from facts)• Let others share new ideas or

challenge your facts

In return I will…In return I will…

• Be willing to listen

• Not look to disprove or find fault in their logic

• Find the truth in what you are saying

• Be patient

More than listeningMore than listening

•Ask (ask others for their views/to share their path)•Mirror (is their tone of voice or body posture sending a different message than the verbal one)•Paraphrase (restate what you think you heard the other person say)•Prime (guess at what you think is holding them back and add words to the conversation)

Why didn’t it work?Why didn’t it work?

• We didn’t decide well

• We made vague and/or weak commitments

• We didn’t keep our commitments or had competing commitments

Making it workMaking it work

• Decide how to decide

• Document who does what by when and follow up

• Hold one another accountable

Four Types of Decision Four Types of Decision MakingMaking

• Command – one person decides with no involvement from others

• Consult – everyone gets input, then a subset of one or more makes the decision

• Vote – all have a voice, but the majority rules

• Consensus – everyone must agree to support the decision

Plan for actionPlan for action

• Each assignment should be given to a specific person

• Spell out specific deliverables

• Assign deadlines

• Follow up

• Document