HANDLING

THE

HOLIDAYS

Families & Friends of Murder Victims

FFMV

Families & Friends of Murder Victims:

A non-profit organization

Dedicated to providing information, support, and

friendship to persons who have experienced the

death of a loved one through the violent act of

murder

Share Sorrow…..

Share Strength

Mission: To restore a sense of hope and to provide a

pathway to well-being to those who have lost a loved

one to murder and to those who are victims of

attempted murder.

The holidays are coming and I’m not ready! I’m not sure I’ll

ever be ready! It’s dark outside and it’s cold. So we turn up

the heat and turn on the lights, but the lights we turn on do

not seem to pierce the emptiness of this winter season. As

we set the dishes and count the silverware, we are acutely

aware of the EMPTY PLACES at the family table. We try to

find the holiday spirit, but WHEN THE FAMILY CIRCLE

HAS BEEN BROKEN BY DEATH, THE ONLY THINGS

THAT SPARKLE THIS SEASON MAY BE TEARS.

HANDLING THE HOLIDAYS IS NOT A QUESTION OF

HOW TO ELIMINATE PAIN AND GRIEF FROM OUR

LIVES, BUT HOW WE CAN LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE

HURT AND GRIEF RATHER THAN BE CONSUMED BY IT.

The holidays season can be a time WHEN THE PAST AND

THE PRESENT COLLIDE. We try to capture what we once

had or blot out bad memories. We try to ignore the empty

chair. We try to ignore the pain and emptiness in our soul.

While most of the world seems to be addressing holiday

greeting cards and planning holiday menus, the bereaved

are struggling with other concerns: HOW LONG DOES

GRIEF LAST? WILL THE HOLIDAYS ALWAYS BE THIS

AWFUL? WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE EMPTY PLACE AT

THE TABLE? ……Will there ever be LIGHT again?

ONE LITTLE CANDLE

I lit a candle tonight, in honor of you

remembering your life, and all the times we'd been through.

Such a small little light the candle made

until I realized how much in darkness it lit the way.

All the tears I've cried in all my grief and pain

what a garden they grew, watered with human rain

I sometimes can't see beyond the moment, in hopeless

despair

But then your memory sustains me, in heartaches repair.

I can wait for the tomorrow, when my sorrows ease

Until then, I’ll light this candle, and let my memories run

free

Author unknown

THANKSGIVING

The time draws near And the calendar says

Thanksgiving is really here.

Time to reflect and time to gather Thoughts of what to be thankful of.

Thankful? I think not. My life is not full these days

And to be thankful is beyond my grasp.

But to give thanks? This, I believe, can be done. Searching my soul deep within

Reasons to give thanks surface to the edge

Yes, I give thanks

For the memories of yesterdays, The love, the laughter, the joy of each day when loved one was with

us The trials & tribulations of being an active parent,

The rewards & the challenges of raising a child, The days of blissful ignorance when I thought tragedy would never

visit our home, The days when life was normal, even though I took it all for granted.

For the treasures of todays, The sunrise, sunset, the changing of the seasons,

The new found friends along this journey I reluctantly travel The tried & true friends who stand by me still,

The strong and everlasting love of my husband

The warmth of wet kisses from my canine companion & feline friend, The encouragement & support, compassion & caring I give & receive

as I survive and help others survive.

For the hopes and possibilities of a peaceful tomorrow, With faith, love, & perseverance as I struggle to move on

With my loved in my heart forevermore, spiritually guiding me with his new presence,

With sorrow and reluctance, each new day, To yet, somehow, be open and loving,

Not to forsake what I've learned Because of what I've lost.

One of the most painful issues for you to deal with is how to

survive the holidays after the death of the person you love. Because holidays are supposed to be family times, and because of the extraordinary (although unrealistic) expectation that you should feel close to everyone, this time of year can underscore the absence of your deceased loved one more than any other time. The important thing to remember is that you and your family do have options about how to cope with the holidays. These are a few things to keep in mind:

As much as you’d like to skip from November to January 2nd, this is impossible. Therefore, it will be wise for you to take control of the situation by facing it squarely and planning for what you do and do not want to do to get through this time. Realize that the anticipation of pain at the holidays is always worse than the actual day. Recognize that what you decide for this year can be changed next year; you can move to something new or back to the

old way. Decide what is right for, you and your family now. Don’t worry about all the other holidays to come in years ahead. You will be at different places in your mourning and in your life then. Recognize, also, that your distress about the holidays is normal. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Countless other bereaved people have felt, and do feel, as you do right now. Ask yourself and your loved ones to decide what is

important for you to make your holidays meaningful and bearable.

Do something symbolic. Think about including rituals that

can appropriately symbolize your memory of your loved one. For example, a candle burning at Thanksgiving dinner, the hanging of a special Christmas ornament, or the planting of a tree on New Years Day may help you to mark the continued abstract presence of your deceased loved one while still celebrating the holiday with those you love who still survive. Remembering your deceased loved one in this fashion Facing family holidays in your loved ones absence are

normal mourning experiences and part of the healing process. Let your tears and sadness come and go throughout the whole day if necessary. The tears and emotions you do not express will be the ones which are destructive to you. Ask for what you want or need from others during the holidays. One bereaved mother said that, as appropriate, she wanted to hear her dead daughter mentioned. She knew everyone was thinking of her daughter and wanted them to

share their thoughts. You may find yourself reminiscing about other holidays you shared with your deceased loved one. This is normal. Let the memories come. Talk about them. This is part of mourning and doesn’t stop just because it is a holiday. In fact, the holidays usually intensify it. Having some fun at the holidays does not mean you don’t miss your loved one. It is not a betrayal. You must give yourself permission to have fun when you can, just like you must give yourself permission to mourn when you have the need.

Discuss holiday tasks and responsibilities that must be attended to—for example, preparing the meals, doing the shopping, decorating the house. Consider whether they should be continued, reassigned, shared, or eliminated. Break down your goals into small, manageable pieces that you can accomplish one at a time. Don’t overwhelm or overcommit yourself. The holidays are stressful times for everyone, not just the bereaved, so you will need to take it slow and easy. Look at your plans and ask what they indicate. Are you doing what you want or are you placating others? Are you isolating yourself from support or are you

tapping into your resources? Are you doing things that are meaningful or are you just doing things? Do something for someone else. Although you may feel deprived because of the loss of your loved one, reaching out to another can bring you some measure of fulfillment. For example, give a donation in your loved one’s name. Invite a guest to share your festivities. Give food to a needy family for Thanksgiving dinner.

Perhaps they are not

stars in the sky,

but rather openings

where our loved ones

shine down

to let us know they

are happy.

Strategies for Survival

Offer Yourself Some Grace The best thing you can do this holiday season is be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is your feeling. Don’t fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things for your holiday to be “normal.” If you feel sad, allow the tears to come; if you feel angry, allow yourself to vent some steam.

Be Kind to Yourself Get the rest and nourishment you need. Don’t take on any more than you can handle. If you need to be alone, honor that. If you crave the company and affection of others, seek it out. Do whatever it is that feels right to you.

Remember That You Will Survive

As hard as it is for you right now, you will survive. You will make it through the holidays in one piece. It may be the

most difficult season in your time of grief, but it will pass. And when it does, you will come out on the other side stronger than before.

You don’t have to enjoy the holidays. You don’t even have to go through the motions pretending to enjoy the festivities. But, it’s also OK to have a good time in spite of your grief. If happiness slips through your window of grief, allow it to happen and enjoy it. You won’t be doing your loved one an injustice by feeling joyous.

The best gift you can give anyone you love, even someone you have lost, is being true to yourself and living your life to the fullest.

I will Light Candles this Christmas

I will light Candles this Christmas; Candles of joy despite all sadness,

Candles of hope where despair keeps watch, Candles of courage for fears ever present,

Candles of peace for tempest-tossed days, Candles of grace to ease heavy burdens, Candles of love to inspire all my living, Candles that will burn all the year long.

Howard Thuman

MISS YOU

The petals upon my rose are withering away The color of my heart is beginning to fade The reason you had to leave I do not know

I know you come 'round at night for I see you glow You left in such a hurry

I didn't have a chance to say good-bye I can't think of your face because all it makes me do is cry

I know you're gone and can't return but remember this You've taught me a lesson and I have learned

Unknown

Riverside Chapter Meets on the 3rd Wednesday of every month at 7pm

Avaxat Elementary School, 24300 La Brisas Road in Murrieta, CA Contact Dawn (951) 757-4419

For directions ask for PJ at-951-696-1600 x2177 – M-F 9am-4pm (1-2pm lunch)

West End Chapter -Bi-lingual Meets every 2nd Thursday of each month at 7:00pm – 8:30pm Participants have the option of the English & Spanish Meeting

St. Anthony’s Catholic Church Conference Room

2210 North San Antonio, Upland, CA 91786 Local Grupo Bilingue

Los participantes pueden escoger en Inglés o en Español Se reunen cada Segundo Jueves del mes a las 7:00 p.m.

Contact persons/ Personas de contacto: Rita Marin (909) 215-7063

Colton Chapter Meets every 1st Tuesday of each month at

Christ The Redeemer Catholic Church Robinson Hall – Room 4 12745 Oriole Ave Grand Terrace, CA 92313

6:30pm - 8:00pm For information call: Rose - (909) 798-4803

Special Mentions: Lorraine Aguirre – Victim Advocate Advisor

Coachella Valley Chapter Meets every 3rd Wednesday of each month

6:00pm – 8:00pm

Portola Community Center Room 2

45-480 Portola Ave

(parking on Shadow Mountain)

Palm Desert, CA 92260

760-568-2560- Call for directions Rose – 909-754-6969 mail4ffmv@yahoo.com Candy- 619-200-0547 Candyclb@aol.com

Oakland Chapter Kaiser in Oakland, Howe St. at Broadway,

12th floor Room 1200 East Contact Helene (510) 452-2553

We Will Always Remember Them

FFMV

P.O. Box 11222 San Bernardino, Ca. 92423-1222

Rose Madsen (909) 798-4803 E-mail: mail4ffmv@yahoo.com

Web-site - www.webersons.com/ffmv