Healing the Wounded Child: (re)-integrating the child into the family Lark Eshleman, PhD Institute for Children and Families

Healing the Wounded Child: (re)-integrating the child

into the family

Lark Eshleman, PhD

Institute for Children and Familieswww.instituteforchildren.org

Who Am I?

Author, Becoming a Family: Promoting Healthy Attachments

with Your Adopted Child

Founder and Director, Institute for Children and Families

Who Am I?

Creator of

Healing Emotional Trauma: Treating the Wounded Child, a community response program for

healing child trauma after community disasters: community violence, natural disasters, and

war.

Croatian Hand Kiss

Who Am I?

Former School Principal, former Child Librarian, International

Lecturer, and

Most Important and Helpful … Parent.

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

Credentials include PhD in Clinical Psychology, specialty in child development, attachment, and

emotional trauma;

Theraplay™ Institute, Chicago, IL, Intermediate Level, APA approved;

Pennsylvania Certified School Psych.

Healing the Wounded Child: (re)-integrating the child into the family

This presentation will overview

1. Normal, healthy attachment development,

2. What happens if attachment development goes off track,

3. What families can do about it.

1. Healthy Attachment

Healthy attachments are formed between infant and parent

when the child learns that his or her needs will be met in a predictable way, by a loving,

trusted adult.


This LEARNED behavior begins at about 8 months of age,

although the stage has been set through healthy bonding.

Slide 5© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com.All Rights Reserved

Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com

What is Attachment?

Trust in Primary Caregiver Trust in Primary Caregiver ……

= Trust in the larger circle of a = Trust in the larger circle of a childchild’’s life s life (Extended family, other (Extended family, other caregiverscaregivers……))

= Trust in the world= Trust in the world


First Year Attachment Cycle•Need – Rage (helpless, hopeless, anger, fear of

dying) •Gratification (touch, eye

contact, movement, smiles, lactose)


First-Year Attachment Cycle

NeedsRelief

Relaxation

Gratificationeye contact

touchsmile

movementfeeding

heart connectionin arms

ArousalDispleasure

Development of Trust and Secure

Attachment


What are the Needs?

To experience relief

(from hunger, wetness, thirst, fear, exhaustion…)

Slide 6© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com.

All Rights Reserved


NeedsWhat is Attachment?

What is the Need? To experience relief What is the Need? To experience relief (from hunger, wetness, thirst, fear, exhaustion…)


How does that Feel?

Baby experiences

Arousal or

Displeasure

Slide 7© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com.

All Rights Reserved


What does it feel like to have needs?

Arousal or DispleasureWhat is Attachment?

Baby experiences arousal/

displeasure


How does baby experience the reduction of the

arousal/displeasure?

Baby is gratified through eye contact, touch, smile,

movement, food/drink, change of diaper, being held…



How does baby How does baby experience the reduction the reduction of the arousal/displeasure?of the arousal/displeasure?

Baby is gratified through eye contact, touch, smile, movement, food/drink, change of diaper, being held…

GratificationWhat is Attachment?


This means State Regulation.

Let’s try it ……


What comes of countless experiences of gratification by

Primary Caregiver?

Development of trust and secure attachment. “I know my needs will be met. Arousal/Displeasure are

only temporary. I can feel calm and secure in my world.”

Healthy Attachment

What comes of countless experiences of gratification by Primary Caregiver?

We learn to self-regulate – to regulate our own state of being. We learn to return

to a “normal” state after having experienced a signficant state change.


Over time and with lots of help, this leads to a child’s

confidence that he or she can be successful in “negotiating” or

“manipulating” to have his or her own needs met.


What does healthy attachment look like?

1. Parents want Baby and are in a position to keep Baby healthy, happy & safe.

2. Baby is born after a healthy, happy, nurturing pregnancy.


3. Mom/parents and Baby fall in love, and Baby’s every need is anticipated and met.


4. Baby develops healthy, positive Internal Working Model:

I am a good person I can depend on & trust others The world is safe; I am safe in it

…Good brain development “happens,” according to nature’s plan.


Secure Attachment:Good, active template for

Emotional Regulation (gets upset, asks for help, receives help, calms down,

Relationships are Stable, Flexible, and Adaptive


“…secure attachment is the psychoneurobiological mechanism that underlies infant mental health and sets the neurological & developmental groundwork, or template, on which the psychophysiology of stress patterns become our young adult and adult behaviors.” (Schore, 2001)

2. Attachment Off Track

Secure **

Insecure – Avoidant

Insecure – anxious ambivalent

Insecure -- disorganized


Physical separation between child and Primary Caregiver

Emotional separation between Child and Primary Caregiver

AbandonmentIllness or inconsolable pain*


Neglect (including ineffective, inept caregiving)

Frequent movesPhysical, emotional, or sexual

abuseWitnessing abuse of a significant

caregiver


What happens if attachment does not develop in a positive way? What if adults are faced with parenting a child who has

needs they cannot meet?


Many children on the autism spectrum are isolated not just by

the nature of the disorder, but also by the fact that loving

parents may lack the knowledge, tools and support to regularly meet the child’s needs, much

less make progress over time.


Families often feel shame, fear, and frustration in not knowing how to parent an autistic child

or keep others in the family safe.

3. What we CAN do!

Here are practical suggestions and insights that

can help on a day-to-day basis.

3. What we CAN do!

Go Back to the Beginning

Find any way you can meet your child’s needs, and do it,

over and over and over again.

3. What we CAN do!

3. What we CAN do!

Determine your child’s EMOTIONAL age and meet her needs at that

level. Helps to secure good attachment

Allows a more secure base from which to grow.

3. What we CAN do!

3. What we CAN do!

Make sure that YOU (the small circle of trusted

caregivers) are the one offering all of the good things

in your child’s life.



Trust & Secure AttachmentWhat is Attachment?

What comes of countless experiences of gratification by Primary Caregiver?

Development of trust and secure Development of trust and secure attachment. attachment. ““I know my needs I know my needs will be met. Arousal/Displeasure will be met. Arousal/Displeasure are only temporary. I can feel are only temporary. I can feel calm and secure in my world.calm and secure in my world.

3. What we CAN do!

Limit number of primary caregivers.

3. What we CAN do!

Teach therapists, technicians, medical and other caregivers to support YOU in being the one to offer the intervention and reward each successful

try.

3. What we CAN do!

This goes for family members, too … allow younger children

to support YOU in nurturing/structuring your child in your home and

elsewhere.

3. What we CAN do!

Make best use of transitional objects.

3. What we CAN do!

3. What we CAN do!

3. What we CAN do!

3. What we CAN do!

3. What we CAN do!

3. What we CAN do!

Have your child bring a picture (photo or drawing) of you to

everywhere. Use it to help the child remember that you may

not be present at that moment, but you are still “there” and still

love her very much.

3. What we CAN do!

Transition slowly and with great forethought.

3. What we CAN do!

Everyone in the Family has a role.

3. What we CAN do!

Insist on regular (daily?) communication with school personnel whom you trust.

3. What we CAN do!

American Academy of Pediatrics says:

3 R’s toward healing:

1. Reassurance

2. Routine

3. Ritual

3. What we CAN do!

(As crazy as it sounds), make arrangements for private

time with your partner and each child in the family on a

regular and predictable schedule.

3. What we CAN do!

Use infant and toddler play as much as possible to secure attachment and to restore

calm, alert state

3. What we CAN do!

Keep things as simple, predictable, routine, and

quiet as possible.

3. What we CAN do!

Find ways to laugh and keep a sense of humor.

Use a “laugh channel” on the radio or television if helpful.

Tell friends and family to help you laugh – maybe sending computer jokes each day

3. What we CAN do!

Quietly celebrate and treasure each positive interaction,

each sign of progress, and each intimate moment you

and your child have together.

3. What we CAN do!

Consider EEG Biofeedback as a possible intervention for

your child.

www.eegspectrum.com (I receive NO compensation from this group!)

Review:

This presentation has overviewed

1. Normal, healthy attachment development,

2. What happens if attachment development goes off track,

3. What families can do about it.

Documents

Healing the Wounded Child: (re)-integrating the child into the family Lark Eshleman, PhD Institute for Children and Families