Healing the Wounded Child: (re)-integrating the child
into the family
Lark Eshleman, PhD
Institute for Children and Familieswww.instituteforchildren.org
Who Am I?
Author, Becoming a Family: Promoting Healthy Attachments
with Your Adopted Child
Founder and Director, Institute for Children and Families
Who Am I?
Creator of
Healing Emotional Trauma: Treating the Wounded Child, a community response program for
healing child trauma after community disasters: community violence, natural disasters, and
war.
Who Am I?
Former School Principal, former Child Librarian, International
Lecturer, and
Most Important and Helpful … Parent.
Who Am I?
Credentials include PhD in Clinical Psychology, specialty in child development, attachment, and
emotional trauma;
Theraplay™ Institute, Chicago, IL, Intermediate Level, APA approved;
Pennsylvania Certified School Psych.
Healing the Wounded Child: (re)-integrating the child into the family
This presentation will overview
1. Normal, healthy attachment development,
2. What happens if attachment development goes off track,
3. What families can do about it.
1. Healthy Attachment
Healthy attachments are formed between infant and parent
when the child learns that his or her needs will be met in a predictable way, by a loving,
trusted adult.
1. Healthy Attachment
This LEARNED behavior begins at about 8 months of age,
although the stage has been set through healthy bonding.
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What is Attachment?
Trust in Primary Caregiver Trust in Primary Caregiver ……
= Trust in the larger circle of a = Trust in the larger circle of a childchild’’s life s life (Extended family, other (Extended family, other caregiverscaregivers……))
= Trust in the world= Trust in the world
1. Healthy Attachment
First Year Attachment Cycle•Need – Rage (helpless, hopeless, anger, fear of
dying) •Gratification (touch, eye
contact, movement, smiles, lactose)
1. Healthy Attachment
First-Year Attachment Cycle
NeedsRelief
Relaxation
Gratificationeye contact
touchsmile
movementfeeding
heart connectionin arms
ArousalDispleasure
Development of Trust and Secure
Attachment
1. Healthy Attachment
What are the Needs?
To experience relief
(from hunger, wetness, thirst, fear, exhaustion…)
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All Rights Reserved
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
NeedsWhat is Attachment?
What is the Need? To experience relief What is the Need? To experience relief (from hunger, wetness, thirst, fear, exhaustion…)
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All Rights Reserved
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
What does it feel like to have needs?
Arousal or DispleasureWhat is Attachment?
Baby experiences arousal/
displeasure
1. Healthy Attachment
How does baby experience the reduction of the
arousal/displeasure?
Baby is gratified through eye contact, touch, smile,
movement, food/drink, change of diaper, being held…
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Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
How does baby How does baby experience the reduction the reduction of the arousal/displeasure?of the arousal/displeasure?
Baby is gratified through eye contact, touch, smile, movement, food/drink, change of diaper, being held…
GratificationWhat is Attachment?
1. Healthy Attachment
What comes of countless experiences of gratification by
Primary Caregiver?
Development of trust and secure attachment. “I know my needs will be met. Arousal/Displeasure are
only temporary. I can feel calm and secure in my world.”
Healthy Attachment
What comes of countless experiences of gratification by Primary Caregiver?
We learn to self-regulate – to regulate our own state of being. We learn to return
to a “normal” state after having experienced a signficant state change.
1. Healthy Attachment
Over time and with lots of help, this leads to a child’s
confidence that he or she can be successful in “negotiating” or
“manipulating” to have his or her own needs met.
1. Healthy Attachment
What does healthy attachment look like?
1. Parents want Baby and are in a position to keep Baby healthy, happy & safe.
2. Baby is born after a healthy, happy, nurturing pregnancy.
1. Healthy Attachment
3. Mom/parents and Baby fall in love, and Baby’s every need is anticipated and met.
1. Healthy Attachment
4. Baby develops healthy, positive Internal Working Model:
I am a good person I can depend on & trust others The world is safe; I am safe in it
…Good brain development “happens,” according to nature’s plan.
1. Healthy Attachment
Secure Attachment:Good, active template for
Emotional Regulation (gets upset, asks for help, receives help, calms down,
Relationships are Stable, Flexible, and Adaptive
1. Healthy Attachment
“…secure attachment is the psychoneurobiological mechanism that underlies infant mental health and sets the neurological & developmental groundwork, or template, on which the psychophysiology of stress patterns become our young adult and adult behaviors.” (Schore, 2001)
2. Attachment Off Track
Secure **
Insecure – Avoidant
Insecure – anxious ambivalent
Insecure -- disorganized
2. Attachment Off Track
Physical separation between child and Primary Caregiver
Emotional separation between Child and Primary Caregiver
AbandonmentIllness or inconsolable pain*
2. Attachment Off Track
Neglect (including ineffective, inept caregiving)
Frequent movesPhysical, emotional, or sexual
abuseWitnessing abuse of a significant
caregiver
2. Attachment Off Track
What happens if attachment does not develop in a positive way? What if adults are faced with parenting a child who has
needs they cannot meet?
2. Attachment Off Track
Many children on the autism spectrum are isolated not just by
the nature of the disorder, but also by the fact that loving
parents may lack the knowledge, tools and support to regularly meet the child’s needs, much
less make progress over time.
2. Attachment Off Track
Families often feel shame, fear, and frustration in not knowing how to parent an autistic child
or keep others in the family safe.
3. What we CAN do!
Go Back to the Beginning
Find any way you can meet your child’s needs, and do it,
over and over and over again.
3. What we CAN do!
Determine your child’s EMOTIONAL age and meet her needs at that
level. Helps to secure good attachment
Allows a more secure base from which to grow.
3. What we CAN do!
Make sure that YOU (the small circle of trusted
caregivers) are the one offering all of the good things
in your child’s life.
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Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
Trust & Secure AttachmentWhat is Attachment?
What comes of countless experiences of gratification by Primary Caregiver?
Development of trust and secure Development of trust and secure attachment. attachment. ““I know my needs I know my needs will be met. Arousal/Displeasure will be met. Arousal/Displeasure are only temporary. I can feel are only temporary. I can feel calm and secure in my world.calm and secure in my world.
3. What we CAN do!
Teach therapists, technicians, medical and other caregivers to support YOU in being the one to offer the intervention and reward each successful
try.
3. What we CAN do!
This goes for family members, too … allow younger children
to support YOU in nurturing/structuring your child in your home and
elsewhere.
3. What we CAN do!
Have your child bring a picture (photo or drawing) of you to
everywhere. Use it to help the child remember that you may
not be present at that moment, but you are still “there” and still
love her very much.
3. What we CAN do!
American Academy of Pediatrics says:
3 R’s toward healing:
1. Reassurance
2. Routine
3. Ritual
3. What we CAN do!
(As crazy as it sounds), make arrangements for private
time with your partner and each child in the family on a
regular and predictable schedule.
3. What we CAN do!
Use infant and toddler play as much as possible to secure attachment and to restore
calm, alert state
3. What we CAN do!
Find ways to laugh and keep a sense of humor.
Use a “laugh channel” on the radio or television if helpful.
Tell friends and family to help you laugh – maybe sending computer jokes each day
3. What we CAN do!
Quietly celebrate and treasure each positive interaction,
each sign of progress, and each intimate moment you
and your child have together.
3. What we CAN do!
Consider EEG Biofeedback as a possible intervention for
your child.
www.eegspectrum.com (I receive NO compensation from this group!)