Happy times in the office by Dave Kurley

I guess I’m happiest when I’m on my own in the office. You know that time of the day, when the last colleague has shrugged into their coat and pottered off home, when the sun slowly arcs, yellow-orange-red behind the flats and the office blocks, when all you can hear is the hum and tick of the photocopier and the rhythmic cooing of roosting pigeons and all is cool, dark and peaceful.

That’s when I’m happiest. Because it’s at that empty, limbo part of the day, the golden no-man’s time before the security guard comes to lock up and switch on the alarms and the motion sensors and check the windows – it’s then that I take my revenge.

It’s only small things - black ink in the Tippex, linking all the paper clips, hiding the staplers; but if you really hack me off, watch out. I have a special punishment for you: swapping the ‘n’ and the ‘m’ on your PC keyboard.

Now it may sound innocuous, but consider this: you’ve had a bad week, and you have to prepare a financial report for the director. He’s very particular, the director is, very hot on spelling – imagine the incandescence of his rage when your report is peppered with nonsense words like ‘fimamce’ and ‘nomies’.

That poor unfortunate is still on long-term sick…

It’s better being here than at home. There was an ultimatum, you see: her or the office. I chose the office. I’m happiest when I’m on my own here.

So, as you make your way to the stairs or the lift, rest assured the guy in the far corner is content as he works late, yet again; you can marvel at his dedication; you can wonder about his home life.

Just don’t get on the wrong side of him, okay?

THE END