I t ’ s g o o d to b e yo u special

AWH Features Writer Alice Ellis rediscovers her love for that special day

A friend emailed me saying, “It’s your birthday. What do ya want, a medal?” She always says that when I boast about a small victory – it’s an old joke. But it summed up how I’ve felt about my birthday for the past few years.

Childhood birthdays are special. You learn so much every day as a kid that by the time you reach your special day, you’re pretty much a different person from the previous year. (Hence the leap from wanting lolly bags at your 12th party to wanting goon bags at your 13th.) When you hit 18 you gain legal rights to vote and drink, and on your 21st, you get to test those drinking skills with an insanely large beer glass. But each ensuing birthday since then has felt increasingly meaningless, at least for me.

This year, on my 27th, I felt guilty about people having to spend money

on me. I prefer receiving gifts when I’ve achieved something more than simply surviving another year. I also realised the “jolly good fellowing” seems to lack authenticity – the same song has surely been sung for jolly awful fellows like Ivan Milat.

I’m not the only one who feels weird about birthdays. My friend Amy gets stressed in the lead-up because she feels she has to organise a party. My workmate Dan doesn’t like being the centre of attention on his. And another friend, Mindy, cries each year on her “big” day because she thinks about how much more she’d like to have achieved by now.

But I also know women who happily spend a week celebrating the day. I decide I need to tap into their thinking and try to reclaim some of that magic I felt as a kid.

rethink your yearMy first stop on the way to a happier birthday: a chat with clinical psychologist Dr Alice Boyes: “The premise that you should enjoy your birthday is troublesome,” she says. “If you feel disappointed about some aspect of your birthday, acknowledge that, and allow yourself to feel the sting of disappointment, without dwelling on it. Fighting with your

happier birthday

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feelings will make them fight back.”Dr Boyes also points out that

birthdays are a “mortality salience cue”, a reminder that we’re going to die. “So whatever your age, try seeing yourself as having a lot of time available to you in your lifetime – even an hour can be a long time in which you can do something purposeful and meaningful. And also reflect on what you have achieved – in the last year, in your life so far – rather than reflecting on what you haven’t.”

Another psychologist, Sally-Anne McCormack, author of Stomp

Out the ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts)*, tells me the purpose of birthdays is for others to reflect on their relationship with the birthday girl/boy. “We often take people for granted, so you should recognise that your loved ones enjoy the focus on you for that one day.” She adds, “I also see each of my birthdays as an achievement. Regardless of the ups and downs over the past 12 months, I’m still here, so I have the opportunity to move forward from here and make positive changes. My birthday gives me a fresh start.”

PLan your Perfect dayIn terms of what to do on my day, Melbourne-based psychologist Michael Burge suggests I ask myself these questions: “Ideally, who would I like to spend my birthday with?” and, if I had to spend it with a big group of friends, “Where would I like us to celebrate?” The questions sound obvious, but my answers clash with how I spent my recent birthday: I’d ideally spend the day with my husband (because I love celebrating with him), my parents (they deserve the medal for the fact that I have a birthday) and my best mate (a birthday fanatic). If I was celebrating with a big group, I’d invite them for a casual drink at the pub, rather than stressfully organise a party at home.

To avoid asking my friends to cough up money for me, I should probably follow McCormack’s lead: “I ask people not to give me presents. Close family often ignore

the request, but it means it then feels fair to ask your friends to BYO drinks or pay for an outing.”

And Marianne Richmond, author of The Do-It-Yourself Guide to Having a Happy Birthday ($6.86, berkelouw.com.au), recommends doing something “merry and memorable”, like recreating a favourite party from your youth, finishing your sentences with “because it’s my birthday” or setting every alarm in your home to ring at the exact time you were born. OK, maybe not that last one, but you get the drift – embrace it, celebrate your you-ness, do exactly what you want, even if that’s eating cake for breakfast.

In my final step towards happy birthdays, I research how cultures around the world celebrate (see below), and I discover that some people commemorate their 10,000th day of life, between their 27th and 28th year. Apparently the “10K birthday” has become a quarter-life coming-of-age milestone, since it falls at a time when people tend to be figuring out what’s really important to them – a more authentic sign of maturity than, say, the right to drink. I’m 27, so I must almost be there. I find a 10K day calculator at paulm.com/toys/10k-day and, lo and behold, I’ll have lived 10,000 days on December 18 this year. Suddenly I get all fluttery. I text my husband, my friends, my parents, to let them know what’s coming up. Birthday rush achieved.

And what do I want for my 10K birthday? A medal, please. wh

Customs tradesick of candles and balloons? Get inspiration from traditions around the worldIn some Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox countries, everyone with the same name is feted on their “name day”, the official day of their namesake saint – eg, all Catherines party on November 25 – St Catherine’s Day.

In Canada, the birthday boy or girl is caught from behind and their nose is greased with butter or margarine – the thinking behind this is that a greased birthday child is too slippery for bad luck to catch them. A shady theory, that one.

Take a cue from the Germans and have the day off: German kids are never given homework or chores on their birthday. Sweet.

In Ireland, the birthday child is lifted up and down by their arms and legs and “bumped” on the floor for good luck. The number of bumps is the age of the child plus one for extra luck. Note: do not attempt after five mojitos.

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