Grab Lifeby the BallsIt’s a sports thing

(NO! Really)

Grab control of your life

and never let go

Doug Howardell

Table of Contents

About the author (That’s me)

Chapter 1- Want to Grab Life by Balls?

Chapter 2- Who do you think you are to tying to Grab Life by the Balls?

Chapter 3 - What would you do if you only had the balls?

Chapter 4 – Intermission – Seven Stealthy Skills to help you grab and hang on

Chapter 5 –Your Plan to Grab Life by the Balls

Chapter 6 – So Grab Already and Hang On for a Rough Ride

Chapter 7 – Pop the champagne, Do the dance

About the Author (Does any one read forwards or prefaces? I never do.)

(You can skip this section if you are in a hurry.)

Let me start by telling you a little about me mostly cause it’s my favorite subject

but I am also an object lesson. For most of my life, life had me by the balls. I was

pathetic. I was so in the grip that I was afraid to go to my next door neighbor to ask for

ice cubes. I actually had that experience. My parents were having a classic 1950’s

cocktail party. They were running low on ice so they sent me next door to ask the people

we had lived next door to all my life if they had any ice cubes they could spare. I

reluctantly went next door and stood in front of their door but could not muster the

courage to knock. I went home and told my parents that the neighbors weren’t home. I

could not ask for something the neighbors had, weren’t using and didn’t cost them

anything. I was pathetic. Life certainly had me by the balls.

It didn’t get any better when I was an adult either. I remember when I bought my

first house; the back fence need some repair. I could not bring myself to go to the

neighbor and ask them if I could access the fence from their yard. There I was, willing to

fix, at the cost of my time and money, our mutual fence and I couldn’t ask. That fence

never did get fixed. That’s what happens when life has you by the balls, you don’t get

even your simple needs met and broken things stay broken.

I lived my life well into my 30’s without getting my needs met. I did become real

good at meeting other people’s needs though. Not that I could articulate it at the time but

I strived to meet other people’s needs because they would tell me what a good little boy I

was. My self-image was so low that I craved other people’s praise more than I wanted to

be in control my own life. This behavior led to, among other things, two failed marriages.

On the other hand, I did achieve some degree of success at a job I hated. That may sound

contradictory, success at a job I hated, but I run into that all the time. Trying to earn

praise by doing all the right things worked well in business, to a point anyway. I always

volunteered to do more or stay later. I worked hard on every task. Because of my hard

work and dedication, I got some praise and was promoted several times. As far as anyone

could tell, I was on top of the world. That was as far as anyone but me knew. I knew I

was afraid to ask for ice cubes. I knew that I was not in control of my life. I knew

somewhere deep inside that life had me by the balls.

Then one day my boss signed me up for a personal productivity class. The

company had decided that we should all use the same daily planning tool so they signed

us all up. What the company may or may not have understood was that the daily planning

tool was based on identifying your personal priorities, you own values. Something about

identifying what was important to me and building my daily activities around that,

appealed to me in a way I could not identify. I learned the system and still wanting to be

praised as a good little boy, put it to use every day. Though it wasn’t until years later, that

class that asked me to identify what was important to me, sent me on a 20 year voyage of

discovery, my own Iliad and Odyssey. I spent the next 20 years reading self help books,

listening to audio tapes and attending personal growth work shops. Along the way, I

decided to wrestle by life away from all the people who I let control me. I decided to grab

life by the balls. I made the decision to end a bad marriage. I made the decision to quit

my job and become self-employed. It was not an over night process. It was a series of

steps that led me to be writing this book today.

So now, after 20 years of work, I can share with you what I learned from reading

and study and from putting what I learned into practice. The first thing I learned is that

there is nothing new I can tell you. It’s all been said; it’s all been written. Some texts

quoted by Deepak Chopra are thousands of years old. Books were written in the U.S at

the start of the 20th century and more are still being written every day. The next thing I

learned is that across the number of texts on the subject, there are core truths, time proven

principles, and time-tested techniques. So what I can offer is the distillation of my 20

years research project, the experiments I ran on myself and my unique voice; my unique

way of articulating the truths. And by-god, I can make it fun and entertaining along the

way. For some of you, my presentation of the principles will resonate, for others it will

not. It’s really just a matter of are you ready to take control of your life or are you not

there yet and does the way I say it connect with your soul. If the words in this book reach

even one of you in a way that gets you closer to getting control over your life then I have

fulfilled my mission, lived my life’s purpose. But more on life purpose later. For now, get

ready to Grab Life By the Balls.

And by the way, we’re having a little party later. Do you have any ice cubes you

can spare?

Chapter 1

Want to Grab Life by Balls?

Grab Life by the Balls. How’s that for a title? Well it got your attention

didn’t it? I could say this book is about sports. You didn’t know that? Yea, I’m an ex-

coach in the big leagues so I’ve got lots of stories to tell where sports teach us life

lessons. OK, I made that up, never coached so much as T-Ball, but I want to use sports to

give me some cover and with a title includes grabbing balls, I need all the cover I can get.

Not a sports fan? That fine, once I set up the big picture, I’ll never mention sports again.

Trust me.

We have four major sports in the United States, basketball, football, baseball and

hockey. Some of you would add soccer to the list, but let’s leave soccer out of this for

now and focus on basketball, football and baseball. Let’s look at how each of those

games is won. What would you do if you were playing basketball and your teammate

knocked the ball away from the opposite team and the ball came toward you? If you want

to win the game, you would grab the ball. When you grab the ball you can score and win

the game. It’s the same thing in football. The other guys fumble and the ball is within

your grasp. What do you do? You grab the ball and give your team the opportunity to

score. Baseball, guy hits a line drive over the second baseman’s head and the ball comes

rolling to you. Wanna win? Of course you do, so you grab the ball. Which leads me to the

conclusion that to win at the most popular games, you have to grab the balls? Well the

same is true in life, if you want to win the game of life, you have to grab life by the balls.

Enough about sports, what I am really here to talk about is your life. This book is

about controlling your life. It’s about deciding if you want to be in control of your life or

if you are content with having some one else be in control. It’s not a magic formula for

getting rich. I’ll leave that to the guys who talk about buying foreclosed real estate. Being

in control of your life can lead you to wealth if that’s want you really want. It’s not about

how to control others. It can lead to you being a leader if that’s what you really want. It

IS about success but you have to define success. Grabbing life by the balls is not a paint-

by-numbers technique to get to some place someone else has defined. It is about you

knowing who you are, and what you want. It’s about knowing what you are willing to

give to get what you want and how to about getting what you want.

The secret formula to grabbing life by the balls

• Know who you are

• Know what you want

• Know what you are willing to give to get what you want

• Know how do you get what you want

• Have the courage to take action

I don’t promise you it is easy to grab life by the balls. I do promise it’s hard work.

I do promise you it is work that everyone who chooses to, can do. I do promise you if you

do the work, you will be in control of your life and being in control of your life will lead

getting what you want.

Back to the sports metaphor for a second, (see how I lie? I’m back on sports

again), my high school coaches, always said that sports were more than a game; they

were life lessons. If we accept that tired cliché just for a moment then I’ll never bring up

sports again, that means if the way to win at most sports is to grab the balls then my

working principle is, to win at the game of life you have to Grab Life the Balls. If you

think about it, there are only two choices. Either you grab life by the balls or life grabs

you by the delicate bits. Either you are in control of your life or your life is in control of

you.

Below you get to answer the most important questions in this book or in your life for that

matter:

Y/ N Do you want to be in control of your own destiny?

Y / N Do you want to have control over what you do, when you do it and with whom

you do it?

Why would you want to be in control of your own life? I’m from L.A. where the

actors say, “What’s my motivation?” What’s you motivation for wanting to grab life by

the balls? The answer to that question is different for everyone and there are some people

who do not want to. But for those of us who do want to control our own lives, why do we

want to? It’s easier when someone else is in control, isn’t it? When some one else is in

control they do all the thinking, they figure out what must be done. Then they tell us what

to do and we just do it. We finish that set of tasks and they tell us what to do next. It’s a

great way for a lazy person to live. It’s only way for young children to love. Young

children do not have the knowledge or experience to control their own lives. Neither do

teenagers but you can’t tell them that. The whole struggle we parents have with our

teenage children is that they want to be in control of their lives and we don’t think they

have enough knowledge or experience. They think they do, hence the struggle. At some

point we are expected to become adults. We are expected to take control of our lives, to

make our own decisions. The very definition of a fully functioning adult may be someone

who is in control of his or her own life. By the time we are adults we have usually

acquired the knowledge and experience to let us safely control our own lives. Yet so

many people are willing to surrender control to someone else or just abdicate control all

together.

I ask again, why do you want to have life by the balls? Is it better to be in control

or to be controlled? Shout it out!

A Tale of Two Trips

Imagine: You are in a car going up a mountain road. It’s dark. There is snow on the

road and icy patches. You are the passenger. The driver is going fast, too fast. You can

see the shear drop off on one side and the rocks of the mountain on the other. You can

feel the car slip on the ice as you go around corners. You start to think which would be

worse to drop off the side of the mountain or crash into the rocks on the uphill side. You

ask the driver to slow down but they ignore you and continue on at the same speed. It

starts to snow. The visibility gets worse yet the driver continues at the same speed. At

each curve, and this is a windy road so there are lots of curves, you can hear the tires

squeal.

How do you feel? Are you nervous and scared or relaxed and content? Do you like

that feeling? Do you close your eyes so you don’t see what is happening?

IS THAT HOW YOU’RE LIVING YOUR LIFE,

with your eyes closed while someone else is driving? Is that how you want to live?

Now reverse the scenario. You are in a car going up a mountain road. It’s dark. There is

snow on the road and icy patches. You are the driver. You can see the shear drop off on

one side and the rocks of the mountain on the other. You are going a speed that you feel

comfortable with for the conditions. You can make sure the car does not slip on the ice as

you go around corners. You know you won’t drop off the side of the mountain or crash

into the rocks. You slow down when you need to. It starts to snow. The visibility gets

worse. You slow down a little more. At each curve, and this is a windy road so there are

lots of curves, you make sure the tires don’t squeal.

How does that feel? Doesn’t it feel more comfortable when you were driving? If you

were in control then you would know the feel of the car on the road. I, for one, would

rather lead my life with my eyes open, controlling the direction and speed that I am

progressing. I want to be the driver, not the passenger. How about you, driver or

passenger in your own life?

Another Driving Analogy

Those of us who drive in major cities, especially fools like me that live in Los Angeles

know how it feels to be stuck in rush hour traffic and no one I knows likes it.

Imagine: It’s 6:00 PM on Friday. You are leaving work after another long week. You

promised your spouse you’d be home for dinner at least once this week and this is your

last chance. You pull out of the parking lot on to the main road. Traffic is stopped. It’s a

four lane road and it’s stopped in all directions. You can’t move forward or back. You

can’t change lanes. You are stuck. You are going too slowly so you won’t get to home for

dinner. And just to complete the scene, you just realized you left your cell phone on your

desk. You can’t even call to explain why you’ll be late again.

How does that feel?

What’s going on in a major traffic jam? Well first and foremost you are not in control.

Most people get very frustrated. Do you know that a recent study I just made up shows

that 58% of the American population feels frustrated everyday? Whatever the real

number is, and who cares about statistics, many people are frustrated everyday. They are

stuck in life traffic. They can’t get to where they want to go at the speed they want to get

there. They honk the horn. They shout at the drivers around them. They pound the

steering wheel or do the life equivalents of those behaviors, like acting out to get

attention, like being abusive to others, like exploding with rage. Or they suppress it all

and like a great writer once said, they lead lives of quiet desperation. Sound like anyone

you know? Sound like the way you want to live your life? Who said that anyway?

Why do you want to have life by the balls?

Because it feels better to be in control of your own life.

How do you know if you have life by the balls or if life has you by the naughty

bits? What does it look like when life has you by the balls? How does it feel when you

have control of your life. Given our complex, interdependent lives, none of us get to do

what we want all the time, so how do I know who’s in control. The answer is the

thoroughly researched, extensively tested and meticulously documented “Suckiness

Test.” This scientific break though can be summarized in one question. When you wake

up in the morning do you think, “This day is gonna suck.” If yes, then life has you by the

balls. If no, then you have to ask a few more questions to determine who has grabbed

whom.

Exercise 1-1 The Patented Suckiness Test Answer Score

When you wake up in the morning do you think, “This day is gonna suck.”

A. Everyday, and I'm always right

B. Every work day sucks

C. Certain days suck less than others

D. Never think that, life is great

Are you enthusiastic, and excited about what you have to do each day or do too many days suck?

A. Can I just sleep the day away and skip all the crap?

B. Just gettn' by.

C. Hey, most days are pretty good, ya know.

D. I can't wait to get out of bed in the morning and get started.

Do you live for Friday night and dread Monday morning?

A. I start getting depressed Sunday afternoon or evening.

B. TGIF baby!

C. Sometimes

D. Everyday is a great day

How do you feel when you are doing what you do everyday?

A. This sucks

B. Just doin' what I got to do to get by

C. Most days, I'm cool.

D. Love my job, wouldn't do anything else

How do you feel about the world?

A. Who cares? The heck with all of it.

B. Most people suck, it's a cold place out there

C. Most people are OK, and stuff happens but what the heck

D. It's all good

How sucky is your home?

A. My place sucks, my neighborhood sucks and so do my neighbors.

B. My neighborhood sucks and so do my neighbors but I like it inside my four walls

C. Hey, it's all cool around here.

D. I love where I live.

Is your family cool?

A. They all suck!

B. Some suck more then others.

C. Yea, they are alright.

D. My family's great, man!

How's your love life?

A. What love life?

B. Could be better

C. Pretty dam good

D. Perfect, fabulous, could not be better

Total Scoring: After answering all the questions, score each answer using the scale below.

A = 1, B=3, C = 6, D = 10 Total up the score and find your life on the Suckiness Scale 72- 80 means you think most of your world rocks, but do you have Life by the Balls? 61-71 means you think you have a significant amount of suckiness in your life and you really ought to Grab Life by the Balls to make it even better. 49 - 59 means you think most of life sucks and you need to Grab Life by the Balls. 48 and below, Dude, time to get a grip. You need this book now. Read faster.

Only you can take and score the suckiness test for yourself. Only you can decide

if your life sucks or if you have life by the balls. This is not about how others see you; it’s

about how you see yourself, about how you feel about your life. You can be President of

the United States and life can suck. (I’d go so far as to say if you are President then life

probably sucks pretty bad.) You can be the CEO of a large corporation and not have life

by the balls. On the other side, you can be sweeping floors in the white house or in the

corridors of corporate power and have life by the balls. It’s all about how YOU feel about

your life. I’ve know doctors and lawyers, people we normally assume are doing what

they want, when they want, who wished everyday they were doing something else. The

doctor wanted to be a professional photographer and the lawyer wanted to get out of

doing divorce cases because in the end, nobody was happy. She was tired of the

negativity. Neither changed what they were doing because they had invested too much

time and too many years to change once they figured out they didn’t want to do what they

went to school for. Their education and experience had them by the balls. I know many

senior managers at companies, people in positions that others hope to ascend to, who

dread getting out of bed and going to work every day. Most of them continue to do that

because they have so many years in don’t want to jeopardize their retirement benefits.

Their pensions have them by the naughty bits. Is that how you want to feel everyday?

Being rich does not mean you have life by the balls either. It’s not about what you

have, not about what you’ve accumulated. It’s about how you feel about what you have.

We could go on for days about rich and famous people who wind up in alcohol and drug

rehab. Why to they need drugs or booze? They are rich beyond most of our dreams. They

are recognized everywhere they go. They have the homes, the cars, the yachts. They go to

the best resorts, and go on the coolest vacations. They get married and divorced over and

over. They do drugs and crash their cars. They wind up on the cover of tabloids doing

stupid things.

As I’ve said, you are the only judge of who is controlling you life. No external

appearance can signal the answer. It’s totally about what you feel when you lie awake at

night.

I could make up another study but that was only cute once, so let me say that I

believe that most people do not have life by the balls. I believe from my experience

talking to people in all walks of life that most people are just getting by or even worse,

really hate some portion of their life. YET, they do nothing to change it, Why?

OK, let’s do this again. Do you want to grab life by the balls? If you answered

yes, then you want to be master of your own fate, want to control the events in your life,

you want to be the ball grabber not the grabee. You are making a choice. Your choice

also has consequences. You are either in control of you life already or at least working

hard to be in control of your life or you are some degree of miserable. There are few

things worse than wanting to control your own life and not being able to. If that describes

you, if you want to have life by the balls but it either has you by your delicate parts or

you are locked in a mutual gripping, then I hope to give you some insight about taking

control.

So again, our working principle is either you have life by the balls for life has you

by the balls. Either you are in control of your life, or your life is in charge of you. What

I’m here to share is how you can get a grip.

So, are you with me? Are you ready to grab life by the balls and take charge of

your life? Here we go!

10 Simple Steps to Grab Life by the Balls

1. You have to know who you are.

2. You have to know what you want.

Know who you are and what you want. To some of you that may sound easy, to

others it may not. Either way, I say you need to be real clear on this. If you do not

have it written down then you are not done. It’s amazing how hard it can be to

articulate something like who you are. You may have some vague idea but the act of

writing it down forces you to clarify it. Knowing who you are and what you want is

the key. You can’t go on to the other steps until you have these two mastered. Once

you have written down or otherwise recorded the first two you can go on. Chapter is

all about helping you answer these first two critical questions.

3. Know what you are willing to give to get what you want

4. You must be clear about how badly you want it.

These two steps are about your degree of motivation. Most people want to be rich or

at least well off, but what are they willing to give to get it. Wanting is not enough.

This is a give and take world. To get, you have to give. So what labor are you willing

to exchange to get what you want? Are you willing to take risks? Risk your money,

you life’s savings? Risk your house? Risk your marriage? Sell your soul to the dark

side? As usual, I go to extremes, and use hyperbole to make a point. There is a price

to pay to get what you want. It is imperative that you know what that price is and that

you make a conscious decision to pay that price.

The next step is doing the internal research, the soul searching is:

5. Figure out what has been stopping you.

Another way to look at this is to ask who or what has you by the naughty bits. You

can’t fight them off unless you know who they are. When I took this step, I

discovered the only thing stopping me was, me. I discovered when doing this step that

I didn’t have a very high opinion of myself. Why would any one give me even as

little as an ice cube if I was useless, worthless. Of course they wouldn’t so I wouldn’t

even ask. You will have to face you own demons before you finish with step 5. That

possibility alone is enough to stop an awful lot of people from grabbing life by the

balls. I say they are wimps. Don’t let it stop you. Stare those demons in the face and

go, GRRRRR. That’ll scare ‘em.

Now you’re ready for your attack plan.

6. Create a plan; it’s easier than you think.

From your plan you will develop a list of what resources are needed; identify who

has those resources and you’ll plan how to steal them. Sorry, I meant plan to get

the resources you need.

7. Now act. Take action on accomplishing you plan.

You’ll need to bob and weave as life throws punches, counters your moves (See

sports again. You just can’t trust me), and tries to maintain its grip so be ready to

change your plans to deal with the current circumstances. When it gets tough and, if

what you want is substantial, it will get tough, you go to step 8.

8. Drag others into the fight.

I promise before you grab life by the balls, you’ll need teammates and each member

of your team will contribute their abilities.

9. You’ll need to know when to quit, which is never!

Persistence over the long haul is absolutely required to get the grip you want. This is

the point when you’ll have to go back to the first five steps and lean on the work you

did there. When things get tough remind yourself of what you want and how much

you want it.

10. Reap the rewards When you have life firmly in you grip, when you are in control of your life, you will

reap the rewards, celebrate the victory, do the victory dance and spray the champagne

around the locker room. And don’t forget to taunt the other guys. It just feels so good.

Sounds easy? So why do most people live, what’s the expression again, “live lives of

quite desperation.” Because life has them by the balls and they either don’t know how to

break that grip or they know how but choose not to for any number of reasons. Bad news,

after today you can’t say you don’t know how. I just told you. Now what’s your excuse?

Now we’ve come to the crux of the matter, the core, the essence of the issue, the meat

and potatoes, I’m running out of clichés here so fill in our own expression for getting to

the good stuff, the _________________________. Do you want to be in control of your

life or do you want to give that control to others? Sounds like an easy question when I put

it that way doesn’t it? It’s not random that I choose to use the image of grabbing life by

the balls. It’s quite on purpose. I thought long and hard about it before coming to this

graphic metaphor. Besides the fact that I’m trying to shock your sensibilities into paying

attention, it’s also hard to say you would rather be in the grip then to take things into your

own hands.

Onward intrepid reader, come with me on a fantastic journey to

Grab Life by the Balls

LifeLifeLifeLife

Chapter 2

Who do you think you are to Grab Life by the Balls?

The starting point to grabbing life by the balls is knowing who you are. This chapter

focuses on that. It’s my experience that most people struggle with this step. I’ll bet that if

I asked you at a party, “Who are you?” Most of you would tell me your name and what

you do for a living. BORING! If pressed for more detail you might go on to tell me you

are also a mother, a father, son, uncle, sister. And if you are really outgoing you might

tell me about your hobbies or the activities you enjoy. People, these are the roles you

perform and the things you do. They are not who you are. You perform those roles

because of who you are. You enjoy those activities because of who you are. I in no way

mean to belittle the roles we all play or the activities we enjoy. If asked, I would tell you

that I am a writer and speaker. I am a husband and father. I scuba dive, ski and backpack.

My family is my first priority in life to the degree that it’s not fair to call the next item on

the list number 2. It’s more like, number 1- husband and father and next is number 25,

writer & speaker.

But still husband and father is not who I am. It’s because of who I am that I am a

father. You choose the roles you perform because of who you are. You choose the

activities you enjoy because of who you are. This works in the inverse of what most

people say.

Now you can say I’m splitting hairs here but I really believe this distinction is critical.

The roles we perform change as the years pass. The activities we enjoy change over time.

If I am defined by my job, who am I if I get laid off because there are moving the jobs to

China? I’ll bet most of you know someone who was completely lost when they either

retired or lost their job. Some people so completely identify themselves with what they

do for a living that they are literally lost when they lose their job. How many people do

we know who retire and then die in short order? The same is true of people who define

who they are by their family ties. If I am defined by family roles, what am I when my

parents pass on, my marriage ends or my daughter moves away? Many of us fall into this

trap but it is still a trap no matter how many of us are in it together. I hope it’s clear that I

am NOT saying putting a priority on family and career is a bad thing. It’s just that they

are not who you are.

So if we are not the roles we perform or the activities we perform, who are we? How

do we describe the essence of ourselves?

The world according to me

You are the sum of your: Beliefs

Values

Abilities

Feelings

Let me give a quick definition of each so we are on the same page.

Beliefs are the things you are confident are true whether or not you have evidence

to support it. Our beliefs drive our behavior. Some of our beliefs are very clear to

us. We are well aware if we have a belief in a higher power. We are well aware if

we believe that smoking causes cancer. Some, I’d say, most of our beliefs are not

so clear or obvious to us but they still have a huge impact on our lives.

Values are similar to beliefs. Values are the attributes and subjects we judge to be

desirable. Examples of values would include peace, harmony, love, health,

honesty, or freedom. We all have values but most of us have not taken the time to

identify and record our values.

Abilities are the actions, both mental and physical we are good at. Mental abilities

include things like being mechanically inclined, being good at math, having a

good memory, bring able to communicate well. Physical abilities are things like:

being able to dance (clearly an ability I do not have), having good hand eye

coordination (no again), running fast (strike three), etc.

Feelings are our emotions, the inner sensation we get in different circumstances.

Example of feelings would include: joy, sadness, love, regret, guilt and optimism.

You have to identify and prioritize your beliefs, values, abilities, and feelings to know

who you are. And remember knowing who you are is absolutely a prerequisite for

grabbing life by the balls. Aristotle or one of those other smart Greek guys said

something like, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Of course he said it in Greek

but you don’t want me to try to pronounce it in the original. I

butcher my native language badly enough. “The unexamined life

is not worth living.” If we accept that as wisdom that has

survived the ages, then that means to have a life that is worth

living you must examine what you do, examine who you are.

I’m sure now that I have put it so eloquently, quoted minds

greater that mine, made such a strong convincing case you are

thinking, “Yes, yes, I am ready. I am ready to examine my life,

to figure out who I really am so I can figure out what I want so I

can grab life by the balls. Please tell me oh wise sage, how the

heck to do that?”

Well, I don’t know. Oh, look, we’re out of time. Gotta go...

But seriously folks, it can be done. Beliefs, values and feelings can be hard to identify the

first time but I’ll get you there one step at a time. Start from what you know.

Exercise 2-1 A. Write down all your roles. List things like employee, boss, business owner,

softball coach, mother, daughter, voter / non-voter, parishioner / agnostic.

B. Write down all the activities you enjoy. Things like sports - tennis, golf, or

softball; like outdoor activities – skiing, hiking, or camping; or anything else – read,

go to movies, or travel.

Don’t worry about trying to separate roles from activities. Let’s see, I coach little

league. Is that a role or an activity? NOT IMPORTANT! Just pick one for the love of

Mike. (Where did that expression come from? Who is Mike and why do I want his love?

But, I digress, again. I promise never to do that again.) What was I saying, oh yea, list

your values and beliefs in any order that it comes to you. List them in any level of detail

that works for you. There is no right answer, there is no wrong answer. Just start listing.

Your lists should be no less than 20 items each. That’s the one rule on all the lists you are

going to generate. Twenty is the absolute minimum. Any less than that and you are just

not trying.

Oh, wait I lied, like that’s unusual, there is another rule. You must record the lists in

some manner. Most of us will write or type the lists but written words don’t make it for

everyone. You could record it on tape or digitally. You could draw pictures or cut

pictures out magazines. Do what works for you but you may not just keep it in your head.

You do that and I will personally hunt you down whereever you hide. No, really there is a

reason for this. It has to be real, tangible and you are going to have to refer back to these

lists.

Because I’m such a nice guy, in the appendix (that’s the section in the back of the

book) there are templates for all the exercises. You can just rip these pages out and write

on them. If in the ripping process you destroy them or some how mess up the book, well

then sorry, you’ll have to go buy another book. My publisher and I will both send you a

lovely hand written note of thanks for buying two books.

If you are like me and can’t read your own hand writing so you would rather type

your lists, then I can help you there too. Go to my web site, www.XXXX.com and down

load the FREE exercise templates there.

While you are there you can buy all the cool Grab Life by the Balls chotskis. I

really don’t have any stuff to sell but the templates are there. There are also opportunities

to interact with other people who are trying to grab life by the balls.

See I’ll even help, Examples of Roles We All Play in Life. You can thank me later.

Use for Exercise 2-1

Example Activities for exercise 2-1. Oh, come on people. Do I have to do everything for

you? Think about what you like to do with you time.

Sports / recreations Hobbies Other Stuff (That’s the official term)

Softball Needle point Travel

Tennis Photography Family

Golf Drawing Reading

Hiking Collecting Volunteering

Skiing Gardening Movies

Swimming Music T.V. (Please don’t pick this one)

Category Example Roles

Family

Parent

Spouse

Ex-Spouse

Child

Sibling

Uncle / Aunt

In-law

Grandparent

Cousin

Nephew/Niece

Partner

Economic

Colleague

Business Partner

Business Owner

Employee / Worker

Boss/Supervisor/Manager

Ex-employee

Specific professional title

Unemployed

Retired

Volunteer

Category Example Roles

Community

Neighbor

Consumer

Driver / Commuter

Resident

Voter

Tax payer

Individual

Diver

Friend

Citizen

Vistor

Patient

Donor

Leader

Spiritual

Worshiper

Congregation member

Beliver

Clergy

Other

Girlfriend / boyfriend

Fiancé

Student

So you make the list of things you already know, what’s the value of that? Well,

slow down there and I‘ll tell you. At this point you have two lists with 20 items on each

list. At about number 10 or 12 you will be thinking, 20, why 20? I don’t have 20 roles.

The hell with him, I’m stopping now.

Bad dog, bad, back in your cage until I ring the bell! There was a reason for

making the lists 20 items. It makes you think harder and for most of us thinking is good.

Forcing yourself to make a list at least twenty items long assures you won’t miss

something. When I made my list of roles, I got to 10 easily. I had to work to come up

with: resident of my town, voter, and neighbor, yet in retrospect those are important roles.

So just make the damn list of 20 and don’t whine. The things I have to do to get across to

you people.

Once you’ve completed you assignment, turn it in and I’ll grade it. Don’t forget to put

your name on it or I’ll take off one letter grade. OK, kidding aside, look at the list.

Probably, 30 to 40 percent of the items on the list aren’t important. You just put them

there because I made you.

C. Strike the unimportant items off the lists. Eliminate the trivial ones. Then try to

loosely prioritize the remaining items.

Again, don’t make a big deal out of trying to rank the top five if you find yourself

struggling. The exact order is not important but having a good sense of which ones are

important is important.

D. For each role and each activity, define how you want to be whether you live up to

your ideal is not important at this point, just list how you want to be for each role.

For the items remaining on both lists, the important roles and activities, think about

how you want to be, how you want to behave in each of those roles.

Example, Husband and father are tied for first place for me. I want to be a good

husband and father. How does a good father behave? How does a good husband behave?

Emotionally, I would be loving and affectionate, supportive and nurturing, and patient.

I’d spend time, listen, and give wise counsel. (OK, so my family is in trouble there.)

Physically, I’d protect my family from harm, provide shelter and food. (Good thing you

bought this book.) Make sure you could define what each of the items on your list means.

For example, loving and supportive means I tell my wife and daughter I love them, I help

them with the things they want to do like help my daughter find the right college to

attend. You could write down that definition for extra credit but at least make sure you

can define each attribute if I were to ask. And I just might.

Summary of Exercise 2-1

A. Write down all your roles. List things like employee, boss, business owner, softball

coach, mother, daughter, voter / non-voter, parishioner / agnostic.

B. Write down all the activities you enjoy. Things like sports - tennis, golf, or softball;

like outdoor activities – skiing, hiking, or camping; or anything else – read, go to movies,

or travel.

C. Strike the unimportant items off the lists. Eliminate the trivial ones. Then try to loosely

prioritize the remaining items.

D. For each role and activity, define how you want to be whether you live up to your

ideal is not important at this point, just list how you want to be for each role.

Here’s an example of what you should have at the end of exercise 2-1.

Example to be added here

From your prioritized list of roles and activities you can now start to identify your

values and beliefs. Remember I said earlier that your roles and activities are driven by

your values and beliefs. Look at your roles and activities and see what values and beliefs

emerge. Let me repeat the definitions.

Values are the attributes and subjects we judge to be desirable.

Beliefs are the things you are confident are true whether or not you have evidence

to support it.

Look at what you do, your activities, and look at your roles. These are the places

where you spend your time. You must have some belief and must value something to

spend your time on these roles and activities.

Again as example, examining my roles of father and husband, family member and

friend I saw a pattern emerge. This led me to discover I had a value I called Love. Here’s

how I stated my value after thinking about how I wanted to behave as a father and

husband, family member and friend.

Love is the reason for everything else. It is the only indispensable thing in my life.

Love is the dominate emotion that I feel; it is the first and last thought of my day. I

love my wife and daughter unconditionally. I love our extended family and friends

in thought and show it in deed..

Exercise 2-2

Look at your prioritized roles and activities, identify your values and write a short

defining statement for each of those values.

Hint: Don’t tell anyone but there is a cheater list of values and beliefs on the next few

pages to help you get started. Shhhhhh

Topics for Values and Beliefs for Exercise 2-2

Adapted from WHAT ARE SOCIETY'S VALUES? by Roy Posner

Governing Value Value Governing Value Value

Community Collaboration Family Loving

Community Collective, Needs of the Family Affectionate

Community Common Purpose Family Supportive and nurturing

Community Communication Family Patient

Community Concern for others Family Spend time, participate

Community Consensus Family Children, Nurturing of

Community Consumer Rights Family Listen

Community Cooperation Family Wise counsel

Community Coordination, Integration Family Protect

Community Diplomacy (over confrontation) Family Provide

Community Equality Family Share

Community Fairness Family Communicate

Community Fraternity Fun/Joy Entertainment

Community Global View Fun/Joy Happiness, Pursuit of

Community Harmony Fun/Joy Pleasure

Community Hospitality Fun/Joy Romance of Life

Community Integration Fun/Joy Self-Improvement

Community Mutual Benefits Health Health & Well-Being

Community Neighborliness Health Fitness

Community Oneness of purpose Health Weight

Community Organization Health Exercise

Community Popular Will (deferring to) Health Blood pressure

Community Regulation & Control Health Cholesterol

Community Respect for Others (individuals, cultures, races) Health Mental

Community Service (to others, society) Health Addictions

Community Teamwork Health Alcohol

Community Unity Health Drugs

Community Win - Win Health Disease

Community World Unity Knowledge Education (Right to, need of, value in)

Community Charity Knowledge Genius

Community Civic Pride Knowledge Informed, Being-

Community Compassion Knowledge Intelligence

Community Courtesy Knowledge Knowledge, increasing, putiing to good use, sharing

Community Environmental, Concern for Knowledge Learning

Community Essential Services, right to Knowledge Openness, Open-mindedness

Community Helpfulness Knowledge Philosophy, a certain

Community Safety Net (for elderly, unemployed, etc.) Knowledge Reason

Community Service Knowledge Thinking, Thought

Self/Individual Adventure Knowledge Wisdom

Self/Individual Continuous Improvement Love Beauty (harmony of form)

Self/Individual Creativity Love Beauty (of environment, art, people, etc.)

Self/Individual Direction, Purposefulness Love Celebrity-Worship

Self/Individual Discovery Love Culture (art, etc.)

Self/Individual Fitness Love Family

Self/Individual Individuality Love Family Values-honor parents, Nurture children, etc.

Self/Individual Innovation Love Friendliness

Self/Individual Pioneer Love Friendship

Self/Individual Progress Love Love (Romance, other forms of)

Self/Individual Resourcefulness Love Loyalty

Self/Individual Responsibility, Taking Love Mannered, Well-

Self/Individual Change Love Perfection

Self/Individual Chastity, Purity Love Quality (of work, service etc.)

Self/Individual Cleanliness, Orderliness Love Simplicity

Self/Individual Efficiency Love Systemization

Self/Individual Orderliness

Topics for Values and Beliefs for Exercise 2-2

Adapted from WHAT ARE SOCIETY'S VALUES? by Roy Posner

And here are some example value and belief statements

Add Examples here

Governing Value Value Governing Value Value

Power/Strength Accomplishment Peace Calm, quietude,

Power/Strength Act on things Peace Faith

Power/Strength Authority Peace Peace, Non-Violence

Power/Strength Commitment Peace Protection (of law, etc.)

Power/Strength Courage Peace Rule of Law

Power/Strength Decisiveness Peace Security

Power/Strength Determination Peace Solitude

Power/Strength Direction, Purposefulness Peace Stability

Power/Strength Discipline Peace Tranquility

Power/Strength Empowerment of Individual Truth Accountability

Power/Strength Force Truth Accuracy

Power/Strength Government Power Truth Attitude, Right

Power/Strength Hard Work Truth Behavior, Proper-

Power/Strength Money/Wealth Truth Benefits to All

Power/Strength Perseverance Truth Content over form

Power/Strength Power Truth Equal Opportunity

Power/Strength Prosperity Truth Factual

Power/Strength Purposefulness Truth Fairness

Power/Strength Regularity Truth Generosity

Power/Strength Results-oriented Truth Goodness

Power/Strength Legality Truth Gratitude

Power/Strength Self-Reliance Truth Grievances, right to express

Power/Strength Skill Truth Honesty

Power/Strength Status (individual, social, collective, nation's, etc.) Truth Integrity

Power/Strength Strength (physical, psychological, power, force) Truth Justice

Power/Strength Success, Achievement Truth Meaning

Power/Strength Wealth Truth Public Access

Spirituality Spirituality, Spirit Truth Rationality

Spirituality Faith Truth Sacrifice

Spirituality Charity Truth Self-givingness

Spirituality Will of God Truth Sincerity

Spirituality Belief Truth Tolerance

Spirituality Nature, natural Truth Trust

Spirituality Natural laws, systems

Exercise 2-3 Identify your abilities

TBD

Exercise 2-4 Identify your dominate feeling

TBD

Well, if you have been good little busy beavers, you have written down your

beliefs, values, abilities, and feelings. Now it’s time to let them age awhile like a fine

wine, in a dark cellar, on new American oak. Oh, wait I’m getting carried away again.

(One of my activities is drinking good wine. Could you tell?) Set it aside for a couple of

days then go back and read the lists again. Does it feel right? Have you described

yourself? You may need to make some changes. That’s OK. Keep working the lists

you’ve created until you recognize yourself in the words.

There is one last step in getting to know who you are. Ever heard of an elevator

speech? An elevator speech is what you would say to describe something to someone

during the course of a short elevator ride. You have 30-45 seconds to explain the topic. I

have a variation on that theme. Remember I started talking about being able to tell

someone who you are when you first met them at a party or, in my case, in some sleazy

bar. So I’ll call this the drunken slurring speech. No wait, that’s no good. How about the

party introduction speech? Based on all the work you’ve done, describe you core beliefs,

values, abilities and feeling to someone in 30-45 seconds. When you can do that you

really know who you are.

Exercise 2-Final Write you Party Introduction Speech.

Add examples of speeches here